Hercules: The Legendary Journeys s04e16 Episode Script
Porkules
Well- Redecorating? Still upset about Strife, huh? He was a geek with the I.
Qof a sponge.
Take my word for it.
He's better off dead.
Still, he was fun to kick around.
I think I may have found a way to cheer you up.
Oh, let me guess.
You hatched a plan to rid the world of my overrated half-brother.
So what else is new? All right, enough's enough.
Snap out of it.
You're starting to become a real drag.
Why, Discord, I'd forgotten what a temper you have.
I know we haven't been the best offriendslately, so why don't you let me make it up to you? Oh.
What did you have in mind? Why spoil the fun? Let me just say that by the end of the day, you'll be so tickled you'll want me to be your second-in-command.
Strife's body's not even cold yet.
You have no shame! And Ilikeyour style.
Baby, there's a whole lot more of me to like, if you know where to look.
Oh, you know I do.
Go.
Impress me.
So the bear sits down.
The tavern keeper says, "We don't get too many bears in here.
" And the bear says, "Well, at these prices I'm not surprised!" Okay, I guess that one was kinda funny.
You know, um, usually when people say something's funny, they, like, laugh.
I'm sorry.
Well, at least Jason'll find it a hoot.
He's got a sense of humor.
I've got a sense of humor.
I just exercise it wisely.
I can't believe Jason and Alcmene are celebrating their second anniversary.
Boy, time flies.
That's not the only thing.
Huh? Whoo-hoo! Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Whoo! What's up, Herc? You are.
Oh, lolaus, meet Hermes, the Messenger of the Gods.
- Hi.
- Right! You guys are my last gig of the day.
It's a good thing too.
My feet are killing me.
Well, so, do you have a message for me? Of course I got a message for ya.
Uh, it says here someone swiped Artemis's bow from her temple.
She's all tied up at Olympus and wants you to help her out.
- Somebody stole Artemis's bow? - What did I just say? Didn't I just say that? Well, Hercules, looks like we're gonna be late arriving at your mother's.
Well, shouldn't take too long.
I think I have a pretty good idea who we're looking for.
Autolycus.
Last time I saw that two-bit hustler, he almost got me killed.
I'm sure he'll be glad to see you too.
I gotta bail.
I'm cruising over to the Palladium later, check out the mud wrestling.
Gets real dirty, if you know what I mean.
Later, dudes.
Whoo-hoo! Let me guess.
He and Aphrodite are, like, real tight, man.
Well, like, uh, totally, dude.
Two for you.
For you.
That's the last of it.
You three, take the king's gold to his vault.
You.
Stand guard.
Yes, sir, you can count on me to take as much as I can carry while you're gone.
Hercules.
And whatever your name is.
- What a pleasant surprise.
- Wish I could say the same, Autolycus.
Isn't stealing the king's gold a little beneath you? How good of you to notice.
You see, I figure every so often a fella just has to go back to basics.
Besides, the king, he's rich.
What about the needs of the people? Oh, come on! You don't care about the people.
Of course I do.
I happen to be one of them.
Well, as much as I've enjoyed this little reunion, I haven't enjoyed it that much.
Good day.
Where's Artemis's bow? Ah, my fame spreads like wildfire.
- No, like a bad rash.
- Fellas, admit it- you're impressed.
How many mortals can steal from a god and get away with it? You didn't get away with it.
We're here to take it back.
Oh.
Right.
Well, I'd love to help you out, I really would, but the problem is, uh, I sold it.
You sold it? To whom? Now, if I told you I would be violating the sanctity of the thief/client relationship.
You're not gonna fast-talk your way out of this one.
Oh, all right.
I'll tell you.
Oh, that hurts.
Oww.
The other white meat.
Hercules? This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power- Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! Hercules! Has he ever done this before? I can't believe this! You! This is your fault! Me? I didn't want this to happen.
I didn't turn him into a pig.
Well, whoever had the bow did.
I hope it was worth it.
Hey, I didn't just do it for the money.
That's big of you.
When you are the single most gifted thief that ever lived, you've gotta find new ways to challenge yourself.
Stealing from a god seemed like a good start.
You need your head read! Now, listen, who has the bow? I didn't catch her name.
Black hair, black leather, sorta sexy in "tie me down and hurt me" kind of way.
Discord.
You sold Artemis's bow to Discord! How was I supposed to know who she was? Can you believe this guy? Yeah, uh - You know, we're gonna have to find a way to get that bow back.
Come on Herc.
Let's go, men.
Huh? Am I good, or am I bad? Oh, the worst! You've outdone yourself this time.
I have, haven't I? I suppose my brother is gonna have to change his name to, um Porkules? Oh, admit it.
You've missed me.
Oh, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
This is almost as good as killing Hercules.
Almost.
Unfortunately, pig or no pig, Zeus's decree still protects the little oinker.
True.
We may not be able to kill Hercules.
But it's gonna be a whole lot easier for someone else to.
And I think I know just the man for the job.
Say, uh, where are we going? Where there's Discord, there's Ares.
We gotta get to his temple and get the bow.
It's the only thing that can turn Hercules back into himself.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ares, as in God of War Ares? Yeah.
Well, give him my regards.
Tell him I really loved what he did with that whole Troy thing.
Now, wait a minute.
Hercules has done an awful lot for you.
You owe him.
Listen, you and I both know if the big guy could talk, he would tell us not to stick our necks out for him.
Besides, he loves being a pig.
Just look at the little guy.
- This is all just a joke to you, isn't it? - You little- Well, let me tell you something, buddy - Hercules is the best friend I ever had.
And you're right - he wouldn't want us to risk our necks to save him.
Which is exactly why we're going to.
He'd do the same for me.
Even for you.
Much as I hate to admit it, you've got a point.
Right.
Come on.
Just one more thing, buddy boy.
You touch me again, and I'll- What? I'll be just as upset then as I am now.
Discord, my black rose.
Where have you been? Don't start getting possessive on me, Colchis.
You're lucky I'm consorting with a mortal at all.
"Consort"? Interesting choice of words for what we've done together.
Don't flatter yourself, lover.
I've been around since time began.
You couldn't even begin to count the notches on my bedpost.
What can I say? I love a woman with experience.
I want you to do something for me.
I hope it involves candle wax.
You say the sweetest things.
But no, it involves a pig.
I'll try anything once.
No, you moron.
I'm talking about a very special pig.
A pig I want you to kill.
Discord, I'm the best hunter in the world.
Why would I want to kill a pig? Because this pig is Hercules.
It's okay, Herc.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, I'll give you ten dinar for that pig.
Uh, no, thanks.
He's kind of a family friend.
Make it 15, and I'll throw in the pants.
Don't get your tail in a curl, Hercules.
I was joking.
You'd sell your own mother if the price was right.
Stop looking down your nose at me.
I've had it up to my mustache with your insults.
Truth hurts, doesn't it? Yeah, so does my fist.
Oh, yeah? Uh-huh.
Hand over the pig, or suffer Discord's wrath.
Now, I suppose this is my fault too.
No, it's my fault for bothering to argue with a chiseler like you.
Surrender! A wise move.
Now throw down your weapons and say you're sorry.
Pass me the pig.
What? - I'll get him out of here.
- I wouldn't trust you with my lunch order.
No! No, Herc! Wait! Hercules! - The hounds! Oh, way to fumble the pigskin, pal.
Don't start with me! Why? What are you gonna do? - Get them! - Whoa! Get in there! Aaah! Capture them! Come on! Whoa! Whoa! Gangway! Come on! Down here! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thanks! Well, ain't you a well-dressed little morsel.
And I just felt like some pork chops tonight.
Where is he? Herc? Where'd he go? Hercules! This time there's no escape! Hyah! Ha ha- Oh! Hyah! That's right, spread the word.
I'm a loveranda fighter.
- Come on.
We gotta get that wagon! Hyah! Hyah! Hi there.
Nice day for a ride, don't you think? Huh? I'm Katherine.
It's nice to have some company.
- Uh, are you talking to me? - Who else would I be talking to? No offense, but you're a pig.
Well, have you seen your reflection in the river lately? I hate to break it to you, but you're a pig too.
Good point.
- So, you got a name or what? - I'm Hercules.
Yeah! Sure.
And I'm Aphrodite.
I guess I don't blame you for not believing me, but I'm telling you the truth.
Okay, I'll play along.
If you're really the son of Zeus, show me how strong you are.
I can't.
The truth is, I'm having a little trouble getting used to this body.
I'm not.
Oh, boy.
Slow down, will ya? We can't afford to slow down! We gotta get Hercules before those killers do.
If you had trusted me back there, Hercules would be safe and sound.
Or maybe you'd have sold him off to the highest bidder.
You got me all wrong, curly.
I may be a thief, but there are some things even I won't do.
Like what? Like I won't drink red wine with fish.
I won't eat the horse I rode in on.
And I would never, never sell out a friend, which, of course, does not apply to you.
Yeah, well, thanks for clearing that up.
Oh, boy.
There's gotta be over a dozen tracks here.
Got a lot of ground to cover.
Aw, hold your camels, Cleopatra.
My feet are killing me.
Wait a minute.
That's it! Feet! If we had Hermes' sandals, we could cover this entire province in no time! Oh, sure, and he'll be more than happy to give them to us.
Have you lost a wagon wheel? Wait a second.
Aren't you the King of Thieves? Oh, not up to the challenge, huh? Oh, I see how you are, Mr.
Morals.
Stealing is okay as long as it suits you, huh? Listen, we don't have a choice.
Besides, we can return the sandals after we're done.
All right.
I'll help you steal those sandals.
But we do it my way,capisce? Yeah.
Sure.
Now, come on! I know where we can find Hermes! Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Come on, get the lead out! Yeah, yeah.
Hyah! Giddap! Come on! I knew there was more to life than the farm, but I didn't realize the world was so big.
How'd you get here, anyway? See, my folks are what you call traditional.
They still treat me like a baby, so I ran away.
Your parents are probably worried about you, Katherine.
The world's a dangerous place.
Yeah, well, thanks, Hercules, but I can take care of myself.
Well, Colchis, your little outing today was a complete success if you were looking to embarrass yourself.
It's not my fault, Discord.
I've never seen ham run so fast.
If you don't find that pig your name's mud.
I love it when you talk dirty.
Let me put it to you another way.
No pork, no party.
Why didn't you say so in the first place? I'll find him.
So, this is where you spend your nights.
Classy.
I can see why you've been so secretive, playing house with that pathetic excuse for a warrior.
There's nothing wrong with a little diversion from time to time.
Besides, you've been such a party pooper lately, and you know how I hate to sleep alone.
Make no mistake, Discord.
If your little taxidermist fails again, I'll make sure he sleeps six feet underground.
Stay out of this, Ares.
If Colchis fails me, I'll deal with him in my own way.
If I didn't know you better, I'd say you actually care for that knuckle-dragger.
And if I didn't know you better, I'd say you were jealous.
Dirty mama! She's gonna compete! I give her six-to-one odds! Ten dinars on 39! I'm in for 20.
All right! This thing itches.
You said he knows what you look like.
Just keep your yap shut and let me do the talking.
Okay.
You, sir.
Uh, me? If I'm not mistaken, and I never am, you're a god, aren't you? Yeah.
Doesn't mean you don't get tired.
Am I right? Let me ask you something.
Are you overworked? Underpaid? And altogether unappreciated? Well, brother, we got the cure for what ails you.
You have? We certainly do.
Why, our fine line of skin care products will leave you feeling fresh as the day Zeus made you.
We start out with sandalwood oil and a brisk massage to loosen up those aching muscles.
But I don't- Aaah! Kids, don't try this at home.
We follow that with a very rare mud brought in from the banks of the River Legasus.
Opens the pores, prolongs elasticity and curls the chest hair.
- Haven't I seen you some- - Nope! And last, but not least, our own special concoction- reticulated rhubarb oil.
Smuggled across the sea by seven vestal virgins.
Where they hid the rhubarb I can only imagine.
No way! Oh, yes, my friend.
Big way.
Now, you just lie there and let our goodies work their magic, eh? And you're not satisfied with the results, you come and see us for a full refund.
If you can find us.
Quick, let's am-scray.
Pig Latin.
How appropriate.
Rhubarb, huh? I got a bad feeling about this place.
I promise I won't let anything happen to you.
The pig's right! We gotta find a way out of here! Relax, Woolus.
Three meals a day, warm place to sleep.
Could be worse.
Uh-uh.
No.
'Member Cluckus, that rooster who thought he owned the place? They took him away.
We never heard from him again.
What you talkin' 'bout, Woolus? Why on earth would anyone want to hurt us? For food.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but we're in a slaughterhouse.
The man who brought us here is a butcher.
What do you know? You're just a common pig.
Maybe so, daddy-o, but he's a pig with a point.
Truth of it is, I've seen animals like you come and go for years.
I'm sorry, folks.
There's nothing you can do.
So, tell me, what was it like watching the King of Thieves in action? From what I saw, I'm surprised you're not in prison already.
In case you haven't noticed, I swindled two gods in one day.
Now, I hate to toot my own horn, but, uh, toot-toot.
For your information, I used to be a thief, and you are nothing special.
Well, then it all makes perfect sense.
You're jealous.
Of you? Ha! Hey, denial ain't just a river in Egypt, curly.
You look at me and see everything you wish you were, everything you could have been today.
Now, listen, you - I was ten times the thief you are! "Was" being the operative word.
Now look at you.
You're nothing but a water boy to a half-god- no, to a pig! Well, that's because I know that making a living out of other people's hard work is nothing different than being a, a- Parasite? Parasite! Yeah! Say, how's the weather up there on your high horse? Oh- You should tell me.
Well, it's a little windy, actually.
I- Ooh! Ohh! Ooh! lolaus, I- Oh.
Hah! Hoo! Ohh! Look, Ma, no hands! Ohh! How about that? I could get used to this god thing.
Hey! Ohh! Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Oooh! Ohh-ho-ho! Ooh! Ooh! Whoa! Eeesh! Whoa-ho-ho! Ohh! Stop this crazy thing! Whoa! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yaaah! Shut up, all of ya! And this little pig went "Wee-wee-wee-wee-wee!" all the way to the chopping block! Okay, little guy, this is gonna be fast and painless.
Oooh! Ho-ho-ho! Ohh! Ooh! Hey, Autolycus! Come on, fly straight! Wait! Okay, think, Herc.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa! Ohh-ho-ho! Good timing.
Excuse me.
Out of the way.
Comin' through.
- Did you miss me? - You reallyareHercules! - Time to get out of here.
Follow me.
- Right behind you.
We're free! We're free! Whoo-hoo! Now's our chance! Quickly, everyone! I gotta tell you - this whole flying thing is for the birds.
You all right? What do you care? Just because I don't like you doesn't mean to say I want you dead or anything.
lolaus, that's almost a nice thing to say.
Well, don't let it go to your head.
Where's Hercules? Huh.
You- You came back to save us, even though you could've been killed.
I promised I wouldn't let anything happen to you, and- You were right.
The world's a dangerous place.
I didn't know people could be so cruel.
Yes, they can, but they're not all bad.
If you're really one of them, I guess that's true.
I owe you one.
You said it! Hallelujah! Free at last! - Thanks, Hercules.
- You're welcome.
Hercules! Hey! Come on! Thank the gods you're okay.
Pig says, "It's good to see you too.
" Wait a minute.
Are you saying you understand him? Of course I can.
That's the problem with humans.
You never take the time to listen to us animals.
It's not bad enough I have to listen to you lecture me all day.
Now I gotta take it from birdbrain here.
Now, now, let's not forget, I can jump off this here branch and decorate your head faster than you can say "Sasquatch.
" - Sasquatch! - Would you two stop it? Discord's men are still on the prowl.
We gotta get someplace safe.
Pig says, "We'll be safe at Alcmene's.
" Good thinking, Herc.
Come on.
Let's go there.
Oh, do you mind coming with us? We could do with a translator.
Yeah! I got nothing better to do.
Uh, by the way, you got any crackers? You'd better not mess up my shoulder, pal.
Jason, I'm worried.
Hercules was supposed to be here before lunch.
Oh, he'll be along soon enough.
If we had a dinar for every time Hercules was late because he stopped to help somebody, we'd be rich by now.
Hope she's not roasting pork.
- Alcmene! - There.
What did I tell you? lolaus, where have you been? And why is that pig dressed like Hercules? Well- Allow me to explain.
You see, who's to say one lifestyle is better than another? Why, just the other day I ran into a gnome- little fella- Will you shut up? Alcmene, Hercules is- - Going to be late.
- No.
No.
- Um, he's- - He's not coming, is he? There's no easy way to say this.
Alcmene, this pig is Hercules.
Oh, lolaus, is this one of your practical jokes? I'm afraid not.
Hercules? Ohh.
Oh, that was smooth.
Two pigs.
Two men.
Yeah? One walking with a heavier gait.
Hmm.
He has something on his shoulder - a bird of some kind.
And look! The sideways shuffle of the pig on the left indicates she can't keep her eyes off the pig on the right.
Hercules! Shouldn't be far now.
Sweetheart? Are you all right? Oh, Jason, I had the worst dream.
Hercules was turned into a pig.
I'm afraid that was no dream.
But how? Well it's a long story, Alcmene.
Let's just say that Ares and Discord are up to their old tricks.
Hercules, come here, sweetheart.
It doesn't matter.
I still love you.
I always will.
That goes for me too, buddy.
By the way, who's your friend? That's Katherine.
Your son rescued us from a butcher, ma'am.
I told you he was helping someone.
So, you got yourself a new girlfriend, huh? You deviled ham, you.
Oh, please.
Any friend of Hercules is welcome in our home.
She seems very sweet, son.
Light 'em up, men.
Be ready! Yeah! Little pig, little pig, let me in, or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll burn your house down! What are we going to do? We're gonna fight.
That's what we're gonna do.
Yeah, we're gonna- We're gonna do what? - Stay close to me, Katherine.
- My turn to help you, Hercules.
No, Katherine! Wait! - There he is! Grab him! - Yeah! Yeah! There he is! Yeah! Alley oop! Too easy.
Discord will be pleased.
To the temple! Oh, those morons.
They got the wrong pig.
Yeah.
But if I know my pal, we're about to embark on a rescue mission.
- Not to mention, we still need that bow.
Oh, well, well, well.
What? What did I do now? Well, for a moment there, it sounded like you cared.
Yeah, well, don't let it go to your head.
So, what are we waiting for? Uh-huh.
Right on! The sandals? Ah! Okay, then.
Listen up, everybody.
Here's the plan.
All right.
Let's see the sausage.
I thought you'd never ask.
Cool it, Colchis.
I'm talking about the pig.
Of course.
Well, my little love muffin, are you ready to rumba? You idiot! This isn't Hercules! What? That pig's a girl! Oh, Discord, I'm afraid your boy toy has embarrassed us long enough.
No.
Please.
Give me one more chance.
Hey! You're fired.
Oh, boys! Excuse me.
I'm lost.
Can you help me? Ohh! Look out! That's what happens when you mess withmyson.
Can you take care of him? My pleasure.
I wasn't done with him yet! Well, I was.
You had no right! And you have no taste! I've seen more imposing shrubs! Oh, please.
Don't even get me started on the skeezes that slink out of your temple in the morning.
Well, the mortal the merrier, that's what I always say.
It's disgusting! Oh! Sounds like jealousy to me.
In your wildest- Don't let me interrupt.
I just dropped in to repo the bow.
This particular brand, you see, has been recalled, and I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt - especially me.
Oh, wow, that hurt.
Whoa! Aah! Ohh! Let me have it! I don't remember inviting you to the barbecue, but if you insist- Whoa! You want it? You got it.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Not the face! Not the face! Oh, little birdie! Ha! Way to go, Flavio.
What's the matter, Discord? Chicken? Unless you wanna be the God of Gophers, you better make like a tornado and blow.
I won't forget this.
You are on my list.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey! Don't forget your chicken.
Anytime, anywhere.
Hercules! - Don't worry.
You're safe now.
- Thanks to you.
Katherine, what you did was very brave, but you shouldn't have risked your life for me.
I owed you one.
Well, now we're even.
After all I've seen today, I think I made a mistake running away.
You know, it's not too late to go back.
Will you come with me? It would be my pleasure to take you home.
Hercules, when you're back in your body, would you do me one last favor? Anything.
Would you hold me like your mother held you? You ready, buddy? Hercules! Mother.
It's so good to have you back.
It's good to be back, believe me.
Jason, look, I'm sorry I missed your anniversary.
I haven't been feeling myself lately.
Having you back's good enough for us.
I guess, under different circumstances, we still would hate each other.
Yeah, well, for once I agree with you.
That's a start.
Well- I'm glad to see you guys getting along so well, because I'd like the two of you to do me a favor.
Well, we took on three gods and saved your curly tail.
I guess we can help you outagain.
Name it.
First, I want you to bring those sandals back to Hermes before you hurt somebody.
And I'll return Artemis's bow myself on the way.
Uh, on the way? On the way to take a friend home, like I promised.
Oh, Mother, I'll- I'll write.
He's certifiable.
You know that.
Yeah, and I wouldn't have him any other way.
Qof a sponge.
Take my word for it.
He's better off dead.
Still, he was fun to kick around.
I think I may have found a way to cheer you up.
Oh, let me guess.
You hatched a plan to rid the world of my overrated half-brother.
So what else is new? All right, enough's enough.
Snap out of it.
You're starting to become a real drag.
Why, Discord, I'd forgotten what a temper you have.
I know we haven't been the best offriendslately, so why don't you let me make it up to you? Oh.
What did you have in mind? Why spoil the fun? Let me just say that by the end of the day, you'll be so tickled you'll want me to be your second-in-command.
Strife's body's not even cold yet.
You have no shame! And Ilikeyour style.
Baby, there's a whole lot more of me to like, if you know where to look.
Oh, you know I do.
Go.
Impress me.
So the bear sits down.
The tavern keeper says, "We don't get too many bears in here.
" And the bear says, "Well, at these prices I'm not surprised!" Okay, I guess that one was kinda funny.
You know, um, usually when people say something's funny, they, like, laugh.
I'm sorry.
Well, at least Jason'll find it a hoot.
He's got a sense of humor.
I've got a sense of humor.
I just exercise it wisely.
I can't believe Jason and Alcmene are celebrating their second anniversary.
Boy, time flies.
That's not the only thing.
Huh? Whoo-hoo! Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Whoo! What's up, Herc? You are.
Oh, lolaus, meet Hermes, the Messenger of the Gods.
- Hi.
- Right! You guys are my last gig of the day.
It's a good thing too.
My feet are killing me.
Well, so, do you have a message for me? Of course I got a message for ya.
Uh, it says here someone swiped Artemis's bow from her temple.
She's all tied up at Olympus and wants you to help her out.
- Somebody stole Artemis's bow? - What did I just say? Didn't I just say that? Well, Hercules, looks like we're gonna be late arriving at your mother's.
Well, shouldn't take too long.
I think I have a pretty good idea who we're looking for.
Autolycus.
Last time I saw that two-bit hustler, he almost got me killed.
I'm sure he'll be glad to see you too.
I gotta bail.
I'm cruising over to the Palladium later, check out the mud wrestling.
Gets real dirty, if you know what I mean.
Later, dudes.
Whoo-hoo! Let me guess.
He and Aphrodite are, like, real tight, man.
Well, like, uh, totally, dude.
Two for you.
For you.
That's the last of it.
You three, take the king's gold to his vault.
You.
Stand guard.
Yes, sir, you can count on me to take as much as I can carry while you're gone.
Hercules.
And whatever your name is.
- What a pleasant surprise.
- Wish I could say the same, Autolycus.
Isn't stealing the king's gold a little beneath you? How good of you to notice.
You see, I figure every so often a fella just has to go back to basics.
Besides, the king, he's rich.
What about the needs of the people? Oh, come on! You don't care about the people.
Of course I do.
I happen to be one of them.
Well, as much as I've enjoyed this little reunion, I haven't enjoyed it that much.
Good day.
Where's Artemis's bow? Ah, my fame spreads like wildfire.
- No, like a bad rash.
- Fellas, admit it- you're impressed.
How many mortals can steal from a god and get away with it? You didn't get away with it.
We're here to take it back.
Oh.
Right.
Well, I'd love to help you out, I really would, but the problem is, uh, I sold it.
You sold it? To whom? Now, if I told you I would be violating the sanctity of the thief/client relationship.
You're not gonna fast-talk your way out of this one.
Oh, all right.
I'll tell you.
Oh, that hurts.
Oww.
The other white meat.
Hercules? This is the story of a time long ago, a time of myth and legend, when the ancient gods were petty and cruel, and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power- Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen, a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of his wicked stepmother, Hera, the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer, there would be Hercules.
Hail! Hercules! Has he ever done this before? I can't believe this! You! This is your fault! Me? I didn't want this to happen.
I didn't turn him into a pig.
Well, whoever had the bow did.
I hope it was worth it.
Hey, I didn't just do it for the money.
That's big of you.
When you are the single most gifted thief that ever lived, you've gotta find new ways to challenge yourself.
Stealing from a god seemed like a good start.
You need your head read! Now, listen, who has the bow? I didn't catch her name.
Black hair, black leather, sorta sexy in "tie me down and hurt me" kind of way.
Discord.
You sold Artemis's bow to Discord! How was I supposed to know who she was? Can you believe this guy? Yeah, uh - You know, we're gonna have to find a way to get that bow back.
Come on Herc.
Let's go, men.
Huh? Am I good, or am I bad? Oh, the worst! You've outdone yourself this time.
I have, haven't I? I suppose my brother is gonna have to change his name to, um Porkules? Oh, admit it.
You've missed me.
Oh, let's not get ahead of ourselves.
This is almost as good as killing Hercules.
Almost.
Unfortunately, pig or no pig, Zeus's decree still protects the little oinker.
True.
We may not be able to kill Hercules.
But it's gonna be a whole lot easier for someone else to.
And I think I know just the man for the job.
Say, uh, where are we going? Where there's Discord, there's Ares.
We gotta get to his temple and get the bow.
It's the only thing that can turn Hercules back into himself.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Ares, as in God of War Ares? Yeah.
Well, give him my regards.
Tell him I really loved what he did with that whole Troy thing.
Now, wait a minute.
Hercules has done an awful lot for you.
You owe him.
Listen, you and I both know if the big guy could talk, he would tell us not to stick our necks out for him.
Besides, he loves being a pig.
Just look at the little guy.
- This is all just a joke to you, isn't it? - You little- Well, let me tell you something, buddy - Hercules is the best friend I ever had.
And you're right - he wouldn't want us to risk our necks to save him.
Which is exactly why we're going to.
He'd do the same for me.
Even for you.
Much as I hate to admit it, you've got a point.
Right.
Come on.
Just one more thing, buddy boy.
You touch me again, and I'll- What? I'll be just as upset then as I am now.
Discord, my black rose.
Where have you been? Don't start getting possessive on me, Colchis.
You're lucky I'm consorting with a mortal at all.
"Consort"? Interesting choice of words for what we've done together.
Don't flatter yourself, lover.
I've been around since time began.
You couldn't even begin to count the notches on my bedpost.
What can I say? I love a woman with experience.
I want you to do something for me.
I hope it involves candle wax.
You say the sweetest things.
But no, it involves a pig.
I'll try anything once.
No, you moron.
I'm talking about a very special pig.
A pig I want you to kill.
Discord, I'm the best hunter in the world.
Why would I want to kill a pig? Because this pig is Hercules.
It's okay, Herc.
Yeah, I know.
Hey, I'll give you ten dinar for that pig.
Uh, no, thanks.
He's kind of a family friend.
Make it 15, and I'll throw in the pants.
Don't get your tail in a curl, Hercules.
I was joking.
You'd sell your own mother if the price was right.
Stop looking down your nose at me.
I've had it up to my mustache with your insults.
Truth hurts, doesn't it? Yeah, so does my fist.
Oh, yeah? Uh-huh.
Hand over the pig, or suffer Discord's wrath.
Now, I suppose this is my fault too.
No, it's my fault for bothering to argue with a chiseler like you.
Surrender! A wise move.
Now throw down your weapons and say you're sorry.
Pass me the pig.
What? - I'll get him out of here.
- I wouldn't trust you with my lunch order.
No! No, Herc! Wait! Hercules! - The hounds! Oh, way to fumble the pigskin, pal.
Don't start with me! Why? What are you gonna do? - Get them! - Whoa! Get in there! Aaah! Capture them! Come on! Whoa! Whoa! Gangway! Come on! Down here! Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Thanks! Well, ain't you a well-dressed little morsel.
And I just felt like some pork chops tonight.
Where is he? Herc? Where'd he go? Hercules! This time there's no escape! Hyah! Ha ha- Oh! Hyah! That's right, spread the word.
I'm a loveranda fighter.
- Come on.
We gotta get that wagon! Hyah! Hyah! Hi there.
Nice day for a ride, don't you think? Huh? I'm Katherine.
It's nice to have some company.
- Uh, are you talking to me? - Who else would I be talking to? No offense, but you're a pig.
Well, have you seen your reflection in the river lately? I hate to break it to you, but you're a pig too.
Good point.
- So, you got a name or what? - I'm Hercules.
Yeah! Sure.
And I'm Aphrodite.
I guess I don't blame you for not believing me, but I'm telling you the truth.
Okay, I'll play along.
If you're really the son of Zeus, show me how strong you are.
I can't.
The truth is, I'm having a little trouble getting used to this body.
I'm not.
Oh, boy.
Slow down, will ya? We can't afford to slow down! We gotta get Hercules before those killers do.
If you had trusted me back there, Hercules would be safe and sound.
Or maybe you'd have sold him off to the highest bidder.
You got me all wrong, curly.
I may be a thief, but there are some things even I won't do.
Like what? Like I won't drink red wine with fish.
I won't eat the horse I rode in on.
And I would never, never sell out a friend, which, of course, does not apply to you.
Yeah, well, thanks for clearing that up.
Oh, boy.
There's gotta be over a dozen tracks here.
Got a lot of ground to cover.
Aw, hold your camels, Cleopatra.
My feet are killing me.
Wait a minute.
That's it! Feet! If we had Hermes' sandals, we could cover this entire province in no time! Oh, sure, and he'll be more than happy to give them to us.
Have you lost a wagon wheel? Wait a second.
Aren't you the King of Thieves? Oh, not up to the challenge, huh? Oh, I see how you are, Mr.
Morals.
Stealing is okay as long as it suits you, huh? Listen, we don't have a choice.
Besides, we can return the sandals after we're done.
All right.
I'll help you steal those sandals.
But we do it my way,capisce? Yeah.
Sure.
Now, come on! I know where we can find Hermes! Oh, you gotta be kidding me.
Come on, get the lead out! Yeah, yeah.
Hyah! Giddap! Come on! I knew there was more to life than the farm, but I didn't realize the world was so big.
How'd you get here, anyway? See, my folks are what you call traditional.
They still treat me like a baby, so I ran away.
Your parents are probably worried about you, Katherine.
The world's a dangerous place.
Yeah, well, thanks, Hercules, but I can take care of myself.
Well, Colchis, your little outing today was a complete success if you were looking to embarrass yourself.
It's not my fault, Discord.
I've never seen ham run so fast.
If you don't find that pig your name's mud.
I love it when you talk dirty.
Let me put it to you another way.
No pork, no party.
Why didn't you say so in the first place? I'll find him.
So, this is where you spend your nights.
Classy.
I can see why you've been so secretive, playing house with that pathetic excuse for a warrior.
There's nothing wrong with a little diversion from time to time.
Besides, you've been such a party pooper lately, and you know how I hate to sleep alone.
Make no mistake, Discord.
If your little taxidermist fails again, I'll make sure he sleeps six feet underground.
Stay out of this, Ares.
If Colchis fails me, I'll deal with him in my own way.
If I didn't know you better, I'd say you actually care for that knuckle-dragger.
And if I didn't know you better, I'd say you were jealous.
Dirty mama! She's gonna compete! I give her six-to-one odds! Ten dinars on 39! I'm in for 20.
All right! This thing itches.
You said he knows what you look like.
Just keep your yap shut and let me do the talking.
Okay.
You, sir.
Uh, me? If I'm not mistaken, and I never am, you're a god, aren't you? Yeah.
Doesn't mean you don't get tired.
Am I right? Let me ask you something.
Are you overworked? Underpaid? And altogether unappreciated? Well, brother, we got the cure for what ails you.
You have? We certainly do.
Why, our fine line of skin care products will leave you feeling fresh as the day Zeus made you.
We start out with sandalwood oil and a brisk massage to loosen up those aching muscles.
But I don't- Aaah! Kids, don't try this at home.
We follow that with a very rare mud brought in from the banks of the River Legasus.
Opens the pores, prolongs elasticity and curls the chest hair.
- Haven't I seen you some- - Nope! And last, but not least, our own special concoction- reticulated rhubarb oil.
Smuggled across the sea by seven vestal virgins.
Where they hid the rhubarb I can only imagine.
No way! Oh, yes, my friend.
Big way.
Now, you just lie there and let our goodies work their magic, eh? And you're not satisfied with the results, you come and see us for a full refund.
If you can find us.
Quick, let's am-scray.
Pig Latin.
How appropriate.
Rhubarb, huh? I got a bad feeling about this place.
I promise I won't let anything happen to you.
The pig's right! We gotta find a way out of here! Relax, Woolus.
Three meals a day, warm place to sleep.
Could be worse.
Uh-uh.
No.
'Member Cluckus, that rooster who thought he owned the place? They took him away.
We never heard from him again.
What you talkin' 'bout, Woolus? Why on earth would anyone want to hurt us? For food.
I'm sorry to tell you this, but we're in a slaughterhouse.
The man who brought us here is a butcher.
What do you know? You're just a common pig.
Maybe so, daddy-o, but he's a pig with a point.
Truth of it is, I've seen animals like you come and go for years.
I'm sorry, folks.
There's nothing you can do.
So, tell me, what was it like watching the King of Thieves in action? From what I saw, I'm surprised you're not in prison already.
In case you haven't noticed, I swindled two gods in one day.
Now, I hate to toot my own horn, but, uh, toot-toot.
For your information, I used to be a thief, and you are nothing special.
Well, then it all makes perfect sense.
You're jealous.
Of you? Ha! Hey, denial ain't just a river in Egypt, curly.
You look at me and see everything you wish you were, everything you could have been today.
Now, listen, you - I was ten times the thief you are! "Was" being the operative word.
Now look at you.
You're nothing but a water boy to a half-god- no, to a pig! Well, that's because I know that making a living out of other people's hard work is nothing different than being a, a- Parasite? Parasite! Yeah! Say, how's the weather up there on your high horse? Oh- You should tell me.
Well, it's a little windy, actually.
I- Ooh! Ohh! Ooh! lolaus, I- Oh.
Hah! Hoo! Ohh! Look, Ma, no hands! Ohh! How about that? I could get used to this god thing.
Hey! Ohh! Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Oooh! Ohh-ho-ho! Ooh! Ooh! Whoa! Eeesh! Whoa-ho-ho! Ohh! Stop this crazy thing! Whoa! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yaaah! Shut up, all of ya! And this little pig went "Wee-wee-wee-wee-wee!" all the way to the chopping block! Okay, little guy, this is gonna be fast and painless.
Oooh! Ho-ho-ho! Ohh! Ooh! Hey, Autolycus! Come on, fly straight! Wait! Okay, think, Herc.
Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Whoa! Whoa! Ohh-ho-ho! Good timing.
Excuse me.
Out of the way.
Comin' through.
- Did you miss me? - You reallyareHercules! - Time to get out of here.
Follow me.
- Right behind you.
We're free! We're free! Whoo-hoo! Now's our chance! Quickly, everyone! I gotta tell you - this whole flying thing is for the birds.
You all right? What do you care? Just because I don't like you doesn't mean to say I want you dead or anything.
lolaus, that's almost a nice thing to say.
Well, don't let it go to your head.
Where's Hercules? Huh.
You- You came back to save us, even though you could've been killed.
I promised I wouldn't let anything happen to you, and- You were right.
The world's a dangerous place.
I didn't know people could be so cruel.
Yes, they can, but they're not all bad.
If you're really one of them, I guess that's true.
I owe you one.
You said it! Hallelujah! Free at last! - Thanks, Hercules.
- You're welcome.
Hercules! Hey! Come on! Thank the gods you're okay.
Pig says, "It's good to see you too.
" Wait a minute.
Are you saying you understand him? Of course I can.
That's the problem with humans.
You never take the time to listen to us animals.
It's not bad enough I have to listen to you lecture me all day.
Now I gotta take it from birdbrain here.
Now, now, let's not forget, I can jump off this here branch and decorate your head faster than you can say "Sasquatch.
" - Sasquatch! - Would you two stop it? Discord's men are still on the prowl.
We gotta get someplace safe.
Pig says, "We'll be safe at Alcmene's.
" Good thinking, Herc.
Come on.
Let's go there.
Oh, do you mind coming with us? We could do with a translator.
Yeah! I got nothing better to do.
Uh, by the way, you got any crackers? You'd better not mess up my shoulder, pal.
Jason, I'm worried.
Hercules was supposed to be here before lunch.
Oh, he'll be along soon enough.
If we had a dinar for every time Hercules was late because he stopped to help somebody, we'd be rich by now.
Hope she's not roasting pork.
- Alcmene! - There.
What did I tell you? lolaus, where have you been? And why is that pig dressed like Hercules? Well- Allow me to explain.
You see, who's to say one lifestyle is better than another? Why, just the other day I ran into a gnome- little fella- Will you shut up? Alcmene, Hercules is- - Going to be late.
- No.
No.
- Um, he's- - He's not coming, is he? There's no easy way to say this.
Alcmene, this pig is Hercules.
Oh, lolaus, is this one of your practical jokes? I'm afraid not.
Hercules? Ohh.
Oh, that was smooth.
Two pigs.
Two men.
Yeah? One walking with a heavier gait.
Hmm.
He has something on his shoulder - a bird of some kind.
And look! The sideways shuffle of the pig on the left indicates she can't keep her eyes off the pig on the right.
Hercules! Shouldn't be far now.
Sweetheart? Are you all right? Oh, Jason, I had the worst dream.
Hercules was turned into a pig.
I'm afraid that was no dream.
But how? Well it's a long story, Alcmene.
Let's just say that Ares and Discord are up to their old tricks.
Hercules, come here, sweetheart.
It doesn't matter.
I still love you.
I always will.
That goes for me too, buddy.
By the way, who's your friend? That's Katherine.
Your son rescued us from a butcher, ma'am.
I told you he was helping someone.
So, you got yourself a new girlfriend, huh? You deviled ham, you.
Oh, please.
Any friend of Hercules is welcome in our home.
She seems very sweet, son.
Light 'em up, men.
Be ready! Yeah! Little pig, little pig, let me in, or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll burn your house down! What are we going to do? We're gonna fight.
That's what we're gonna do.
Yeah, we're gonna- We're gonna do what? - Stay close to me, Katherine.
- My turn to help you, Hercules.
No, Katherine! Wait! - There he is! Grab him! - Yeah! Yeah! There he is! Yeah! Alley oop! Too easy.
Discord will be pleased.
To the temple! Oh, those morons.
They got the wrong pig.
Yeah.
But if I know my pal, we're about to embark on a rescue mission.
- Not to mention, we still need that bow.
Oh, well, well, well.
What? What did I do now? Well, for a moment there, it sounded like you cared.
Yeah, well, don't let it go to your head.
So, what are we waiting for? Uh-huh.
Right on! The sandals? Ah! Okay, then.
Listen up, everybody.
Here's the plan.
All right.
Let's see the sausage.
I thought you'd never ask.
Cool it, Colchis.
I'm talking about the pig.
Of course.
Well, my little love muffin, are you ready to rumba? You idiot! This isn't Hercules! What? That pig's a girl! Oh, Discord, I'm afraid your boy toy has embarrassed us long enough.
No.
Please.
Give me one more chance.
Hey! You're fired.
Oh, boys! Excuse me.
I'm lost.
Can you help me? Ohh! Look out! That's what happens when you mess withmyson.
Can you take care of him? My pleasure.
I wasn't done with him yet! Well, I was.
You had no right! And you have no taste! I've seen more imposing shrubs! Oh, please.
Don't even get me started on the skeezes that slink out of your temple in the morning.
Well, the mortal the merrier, that's what I always say.
It's disgusting! Oh! Sounds like jealousy to me.
In your wildest- Don't let me interrupt.
I just dropped in to repo the bow.
This particular brand, you see, has been recalled, and I wouldn't want anyone to get hurt - especially me.
Oh, wow, that hurt.
Whoa! Aah! Ohh! Let me have it! I don't remember inviting you to the barbecue, but if you insist- Whoa! You want it? You got it.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Not the face! Not the face! Oh, little birdie! Ha! Way to go, Flavio.
What's the matter, Discord? Chicken? Unless you wanna be the God of Gophers, you better make like a tornado and blow.
I won't forget this.
You are on my list.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey! Don't forget your chicken.
Anytime, anywhere.
Hercules! - Don't worry.
You're safe now.
- Thanks to you.
Katherine, what you did was very brave, but you shouldn't have risked your life for me.
I owed you one.
Well, now we're even.
After all I've seen today, I think I made a mistake running away.
You know, it's not too late to go back.
Will you come with me? It would be my pleasure to take you home.
Hercules, when you're back in your body, would you do me one last favor? Anything.
Would you hold me like your mother held you? You ready, buddy? Hercules! Mother.
It's so good to have you back.
It's good to be back, believe me.
Jason, look, I'm sorry I missed your anniversary.
I haven't been feeling myself lately.
Having you back's good enough for us.
I guess, under different circumstances, we still would hate each other.
Yeah, well, for once I agree with you.
That's a start.
Well- I'm glad to see you guys getting along so well, because I'd like the two of you to do me a favor.
Well, we took on three gods and saved your curly tail.
I guess we can help you outagain.
Name it.
First, I want you to bring those sandals back to Hermes before you hurt somebody.
And I'll return Artemis's bow myself on the way.
Uh, on the way? On the way to take a friend home, like I promised.
Oh, Mother, I'll- I'll write.
He's certifiable.
You know that.
Yeah, and I wouldn't have him any other way.