Only Fools and Horses (1981) s07e04 Episode Script

Alright, Unc? I sin't stopped since you went out.
How'd the audition go? Don't ask! Just don't ask! He got me up on the stage singing "I'm going to the chapel and I'm gonna get married".
I mena, look at me! I reckon it was your choice of song, Raquel.
I think next time we should choose something a bit more modern, like one of the Madonna numbers.
How about Like A Virgin? That's it, something like that! You shouldn't be standing up in your condition, should you? Come and sit down.
Come and sit in this chair 'cause it's nice and warm.
I was gonna make some tea.
No,no, don't you worry about that.
I'll make a pot of tea.
Rodney, make a pot of tea.
How come I've gotta do it? Because Raquel's pregnant and your Uncle's knackered! Now go on! Yes, and I'm supposed to be out of work! Not compulsory, Rodney.
The government do allow you to make a pot of tea.
What I'm saying, Unc, is, what about Brian Epstein here? I've got all my correspondence to catch up with, haven't I? What, one letter? And that's for Raquel! I'll make the tea.
Honestly, it's alright for some little dipstick, innit, eh? Going jolly it up down the pub every night and crawl out of bed when he hears the theme tune to Home And Away! But me, I'm a captain of industry.
I deal with clients or organizations that are household names.
Yeah, like Parkhurst! None of my mates are in Parkhurst.
A captain of industry! More like a bloody stowaway! You really get off on this yuppy trip, don't ya? So, what's the latest brainwave? Fax machines.
They're handy things to have, Rodney! For normal people, Uncle, yes! But he don't know anybody else who's got another fax machine! That's why, in the two months he's been wired up to the worldwide digital miracle, he ain't had one message! You've got a message on your fax machine, Del.
What does it feel to be a plonker, Rodney? This message could have come from anywhere in the world! This could have come from Rome, New York, Tokyo.
It's from Mike at the Nag's Head.
He had the foresight to buy one of my machines and I bet he's double-glad he did! Blimey, he's half a moaner, ain't he? ' This message starts: Machine not working prop' What's he expect for 45 quid? That's interesting.
Listen to this.
I've only been invited to a school reunion tonight.
You're kidding.
No, straight up.
It's the pupils of class 4C who left the Martin Luther King Comprehensive in 1962.
That used to be the old Dockside secondary modern.
That's a turn up for the book, innit? I'm gonna see all my old schoolmates.
- D'you suffer with seasickness? - No, why's that? It goes very choppy on the Isle of Wight ferry.
For the last time, Rodney, my mates are not in Parkhurst! Anyway, it's in the Nag's Head, tonight.
Why don't you come along, anyway? You might cheer yourself up, you miserable devil! Hey, Raquel.
Guess what.
I've only been invited to a school reunion tonight at the old Nag's Head.
- That'll be nice for you.
- Yeah! Will be great, eh? - What's up? - Nothing.
Come on.
There's something bothering you.
I can tell.
Was it that audition? - 'Cos if it was, that geezer was right out of order.
- No, it's nothing to do with that.
It's this letter.
It's from my solicitors.
They've managed to trace my husband's whereabouts and told him that I've started divorce proceedings.
That's good then, innit? And what's he say? His solicitors say that he is considering his response.
That's alright.
What's wrong with that? I mean, you've been apart for 8 years, haven't you? In all that time have you ever seen him or heard anything from him? No, nothing.
But you don't know him like I do! He can be horrible when he wants to be! I wish you'd never suggested starting divorce proceedings.
Don't go on about that.
It's gonna be alright, innit? I mean, he can't do you any harm, can he? Cause he doesn't even know where you live.
And even if he did know where you live, he'd have to go through me first.
So you just forget it.
You let the solicitors solicit.
'Cause I want us to be pukka.
I wanna be married and all the exes.
'Cause I know that little faceache in there weren't planned, but he's here now, ain't he? Or her.
Yeah, or her.
You know what? If I was any happier I'd be dangerous.
- 'Cause it's just you and him - Or her.
You're the best things that's ever happened to me since well, since me mum died.
- D'you understand what I'm saying? - Well I think so.
- Well, don't worry, eh? Promise? - Alright, Del, you know best.
That's it.
Good girl.
You know it makes sense.
'Cause I'd do anything for you, you know? Anything.
Anything? Alright.
Promise me you won't get drunk with your mates tonight.
On your bike.
This is bloody ridiculous.
The reunion was supposed to start at 7.
30 and look, it's almost 8.
10.
Who's organised this reunion anyway? - Ain't he here yet? - Who? Your host.
The bloke who's paid for all this.
He said he was gonna arrive late.
I think he wants to make an entrance, surprise you all.
Who is it Mike, come on? Who is it? I don't know, Del.
He just came in yesterday and said he wanted a room for a school reunion.
I wanna have a word with you about that fax machine you sold me! Yes, yes, alright Michael! I'm busy at the moment.
I'll fax you about it during the week.
- So what was this bloke's name? - I don't know, I didn't catch it.
But didn't you get his name on the receipt and in your accounts? - No, I forgot.
- In other words, he paid cash? Yeah.
That's right.
- What was he like? Was he tall? - Yeah, tallish.
Here.
He didn't have a scar running from the bridge of his nose right down to the corner of his mouth? - And his right ear was missing.
- Not that I noticed.
It ain't our old headmaster, then.
How could it be our old headmaster? The doctors said he'd never be allowed back into society.
- Trigger! - Alright? Was it you? Was it you who organised all this? Oh turn it up, Del Boy.
Trigger couldn't organise a prayer in a mosque.
I got lost on me way here.
You've been coming in this pub since you were 16! No, I found the pub alright.
I meant I couldn't find this room.
I've been standing in your dance hall for the last hour.
- All the lights are out, Trig.
- I know.
You've been standing in the dark for an hour? Yeah! I thought we was all gonna jump out and surprise someone.
But there's no one else in there.
But I didn't know that, did I? The lights were out! How you going, Dave? Alright, Trig.
Well, I'll send your man up as soon as he arrives.
In the meantime, all enjoy yourselves, lads.
It'ss a bit of a mystery all this, innit? It's like something out of on of them Agatha Christie films.
I used to fancy her.
I mean, think about it, right? Somebody has arranged for you four to be in this room at the same time You used to fancy Agatha Christie? Yeah.
I had a picture of her on my bedroom wall.
But she was an old lady.
All English country gardens and granny hats.
She looked a bit like Mr Kipling's bit on the side.
Well, I fancied her.
I saw her in that film, Doctor Zhivago.
That's Julie Christie, you berk! Yeah, well, whatever, I liked her.
As I was saying.
On a cold, rainy night in Peckham, somebody has arranged for you four to be here in this room at the same time.
And nobody knows who.
And the most important and frightening aspect of the entire mystery, nobody knows why! Now, think hard.
Who would do something like that? Jeremy Beadle? - Jeremy bloody Beadle? - Don't be stupid.
Rodney, you'retrying to frighten us, Now, pack it in, 'cause it won't work! - Well, that's it, I'm off! - Sit down Denzil, you're not going anywhere.
I wasn't even at your school for long! Me mum and dad didn't even come down to London 'til I was 13.
I don't really feel I qualify as one of the old boys! - Did you get an invitation? - Yeah.
Then you're staying.
It's just that I've got this thought going round my head.
Well, lend it to Trigger.
Say, just say, our old headmaster has escaped! Yeah, I'm gonna get me coat, I better go and check on uncle Albert.
Turn the lights on! Shut up, just shut up, will ya? Oh God, It's our old headmaster! It's bend-over Benson! If it is he's grown another ear form somewhere.
Surprise, surprise! Slater! I had you this time, didn't I? Be honest, I had you going.
The last person you guessed would be here tonight was Roy Slater, eh? Slater.
what are you doing back here? Come on, Del Boy.
I've gone to a lot of trouble here.
You mean you organised this reunion? Yeah.
I was in town and I thought it'd be a nice way to catch up with me a few mates.
- I hear Marlene's had a nipper! - What about it? Well, nothing.
Just congratulations.
I know you and her have been dreaming of having a baby for years.
It's it's nice.
And, Rodney.
- What? - You've got married! I know! Look, you don't have to be on the defensive with me, son.
I'm pleased for you.
Yeah, well the marriage didn't really work.
Rodney, don't you say a word.
He'll only hold it against you.
Look, Del, I didn't come here to upset things! It's just a little get-together, that's all.
Can't we at least be friendly? Friendly? With a snide like you? I wish it had been our old headmaster now! I wish it had been Jeremy Beadle! I thought you were in Parkhurst! I got paroled 6 months ago.
You back in the police force now, Roy? No, Trig.
They wouldn't have me back.
Not after I was convicted of diamond smuggling and given a 5 year prison sentence.
The police are funny about things like that.
I've been living in Colchester, working for an undertaker, hence the coat.
By the looks on your faces, I wish I'd brought my tape measure with me.
Fancy a drink? Not for me, Roy.
I've got a prior engagement with the downstairs toilet.
Save yourself a journey, Boycie.
The biggest karsy's up here! I've gotta go home, chief inspector.
My uncle promised, he'd tell me all about the war.
Wait a minute! Let's get a few things straight.
I'm not a chief inspector any more.
I'm just an ordinary bloke.
I don't mean you any harm and I can't do you any harm.
I know you'll laugh, but I've changed.
You've changed? Pull the other one! A man doesn't go to this expense without good reason.
I know it might sound ridiculous, but if it were possible, I'd like to wipe the slate clean.
Wipe the slate clean! After what you've done to us in the past? You fitted everyone of us up on Mickey Mouse charges.
I know, Del, I know! That's why I kept my guest list to just you lot.
Cause you're the ones who deserve my biggest apologies.
I wish I could turn the clock back.
So do I! To 6:30 this evening.
I would have stayed in and watched the telly! You fitted up me, Boycie and Denzil on possession of stolen goods.
And we'd bought 'em off you! - I know.
And I'm sorry.
- Sorry! With all due respect, ex-chief inspector, you can stuff your apologies.
I remember the time you followed me in the van and you nicked me for doing 70 miles an hour in a built-up area.
It was just my word against his and guess who the magistrate believed! I mean, you couldn't get that van to do 70 mph if you pushed it off a cliff! Rodney, I'm sorry.
Yeah, shove it, Slater.
Just shove it! And what about the time you planted and he got put away for 18 months in a young offenders home? - I'm sorry, Trig.
- Oh that's alright, Roy.
I always wanted to be mates with you lot, but you sort of spurned me.
So, I wanted to hurt you for not liking me.
You know, 'If you can't join 'em, beat 'em'.
That was my attitude.
So the Police Force had become my God.
But in the end even my own colleagues got sick of me and my ambitions.
I knew my days were numbered.
I began to panic.
I felt as if the whole thing was coming to a premature conclusion.
No pun intended Boycie! I was worried about my future.
Financial security, that sort of thing.
I turned to crime.
I got myself involved in that diamond smuggling caper, and as I of all people should know, I got collared.
I spent 3 and a half years in a 10ft by 6ft prison cell trying to work out where I'd gone wrong in life! Whilst in prison I found Jesus.
What have they fitted him up with? To be more precise, Jesus found me.
It was round about that time I got a message to say that my old man had passed away.
Yeah, I know, Roy.
I went to his funeral.
Thanks, Del.
I wish I could have gone.
Why didn't you? He most probably didn't have a black suit and a bloody big ladder! He was in nick, Trig! Yeah, but I thought they let you out for acts of God like funerals and weddings.
I applied for temporary compassionate release.
My mum wrote to the prison governor.
And he wouldn't let you go? Not after what that old cow put in her letter! It's pathetic, innit? Even my own mum's against me! Perhaps this reunion weren't such a good idea after all.
You all look a bit embarrassed.
Go on, you shoot off.
I'll hang around.
Gonna sort out the money with the governor.
Alright, Sla Roy.
I'll have a drink with you, come on.
Thanks Del.
What about you other fellers? Will you break bread with me? I'd prefer a Southern Comfort.
Have you two gone mad? Come on, look at him.
He's only an undertaker's tea-boy now, ain't he? Yeah, he's still putting bodies away! You don't honestly believe he's changed, do you? Personally, I'm not sure.
But I'm always willing to give that somebody a chance.
Make it a large one, Roy.
Alright, I'll have a lager.
Trigger? Yeah, alright, I'll have a beer.
How can you drink with Slater? When that's the man who stitched you up over those knocked-off stamps and put you away for 18 months! I know.
But when I come out I got an electric blanket and a radio with 'em.
- Fancy a cognac? - And quick! Yes.
It's very simple, Marlene.
When you bring Raquel back here, you can pick me up.
No, I am not drunk! Nobody is drunk! - Del is! - No I'm not.
Shut up, Rodney! You promised your lover you wouldn't get drunk though! Why do women always say 'Don't get drunk'? It's their nature.
My Corinne was always going on about it until she left me.
- Yeah, and my Cassandra.
- My Ada was the same.
And they wonder why their marriages break up.
Take my advice.
The only way to avoid a broken marriage is don't turn up for the wedding! Keep the noise down.
The women might hear! We don't want them to know we're enjoying ourselves, do we? Yes, I have had a couple of drinks.
Well,it's a bloody reunion, innit? Yes, alright, I'll se you in a minute.
- Wanna another Boyce? - No.
Marlene will be here in a moment.
I will get my coat.
It's funny, I've been through all these photos of the boys, enjoying themselves at various stages of their lives and I'm not in one of them.
Well, you were busy, weren't you Roy? I mean, when that one was taken you were at police training college.
And when that one was taken you was nicked! I suppose it was tough for you inside, eh? Specially when they found out you were an ex-copper.
You don't know the half of it.
It was a nightmare.
Every mealtime they lined up against the wall as I passed.
'Snide, snide!' They'd whisper.
'We're gonna get you snide.
Hope your wife can sow, Slater.
' Didn't the warders do nothing? That was the warders! The convicts really had it in for me.
especially in the shower room! I've heard there's a lot of bandidos in there.
No wonder Oscar Wilde wrote a poem about it! You wouldn't believe what they'd sell for a king-size fag and a book of matches.
Fortunately they didn't give me any problems.
I mean, these days even the poofs don't fancy me.
Here's a photograph with you in it.
Look at that! It's the old school football team.
Look at that! How old were we? 14? There's little Del Boy with his Roger Daltry haircut! I was your midfield dynamo.
I used to play like Paul Gascoigne.
The one next to me is Boycie He used to play like Bamber Gascoigne! There's that Italian kid.
Good player.
What was his name? That will be Marlene.
I better be off.
- Give us a lift home, will you Boyce? - Yeah, me too, Boycie.
Yes, of course! I'm running a bleedin' minicab service these days.
- Ta ta, Roy.
- Yeah, see you Trig.
- Cheers Sla Roy.
See you around.
We'll have a drink in the week, eh? Yes, I'll be in the pub sometime or another.
Good, it's a date, then.
I'll get a copy of this photo, if you like.
Must have been the last time that you were with all your old mates.
Look at that.
Those were the days weren't they, eh? We had Denzil in goal.
We had Monkey Harris at left back.
We had camaradery.
Was that the Italian boy? Yes Trig, that was the Italian boy.
Come along, Trigger! - Do you want another drink then, Rodney? - Yeah, go on then.
Roy? Wanna another drink? Roy? Look at that.
The Prodigal Plonker's gone to kip! How we gonna get him home? Where's he staying? Some bed and breakfast, he said, somewhere.
Don't bother about it.
Leave him there, let him kip on the setee, alright? Not a bad idea.
I think I'll climb in.
- Alright.
Goodnight, unc.
- Goodnight, son.
You know Rodney, if someone had told me a few months ago that I'd been sitting and having a drink and a laugh with Roy Slater, I'd have said they're off there bloody heads.
He ain't such a bad bloke, I suppose.
No.
Take'em out of the uniform get rid of their badges and they're just like the rest of us.
Just as scared.
Here you go.
Want some ice? 'Yes, I want some ice Del, thank you very much'.
I'll get it for you Rodney.
'That's very nice of you Del Boy'.
I don't believe Rodney? - That's alright, I'm not drunk! - Where's he come from? Where's he? Who's he? You mean Roy? He's come from the pub.
I said come back for a drink.
You rotten sod! All the promises you made me! You didn't believe me when I said I was just gonna go out and have two halves of shandy and then go to a midnight Mass did you? You're like all the others! Your promises mean nothing! Bloody nothing! Calm down.
Don't get excited.
It's not good for the baby.
- Here, have a drink.
- I don't wanna drink! I thought I could trust you, Derek! I believed your promises, all of them! 'Your husband can't get near you, Raquel.
- He'll have to get past me first!' - Well, that's right, innit? Really? Well, what's he doing lying asleep on our sofa? What you on about? My ex-husband is laying asleep on the sofa! No, no, no! That's Slater! I know his name, Del! I was married to him for four years! - Slater? You were married to Slater? - Yes! But that's Slater! I wish I hadn't burnt my wedding photos, then maybe you'd believe me! No.
Not Slater! Slater was my married name! But Slater! Why the Hell didn't you tell me what your name was then? I told you my husband was a policeman.
Yes I know, but his name was Inspector Slater.
Your name's Raquel Turner! Why didn't you tell me what your married name was? Because every time I talked about my marriage you said let's change the subject! - Gordon bloody Bennett! - Have you said anything to him? No, of course I haven't.
Stone me! Are you sure you was married to him? Of course I'm bloody sure! Alright, calm down, come here.
It's alright, just shut up.
Listen, you stay here.
I'll go and see how to get rid of him.
Slater? Gordon Bennett! Rodney! Rodney! Wake up you dipstick! Wake up! - Listen.
- What is it? Slater was married to Raquel! No, no.
It's not a joke! Slater was Raquel's husband.
I'm telling ya! I wouldn't lie about something serious as this, would I? - Does Slater know? - 'Course he does.
He was at the bloody wedding! I mean, does he know about you and Raquel? No, I don't know.
I don't think so.
I've gotta get him out of here.
- Hello Roy.
Come on, wake up.
Come on.
- What's the time, Del? It's time you were gone, mate.
Up you get.
I'll get your coat.
- I'll just get a glass of water.
- Yeah, OK.
No, no! I'll get you some water.
We got plenty of water.
We got this trendy water.
Tell me something, Roy.
You didn't come back here to Peckham just to organise the school reunion, did you? Not just for that.
I got a letter from my wife's solicitors, says she wanted a divorce.
So I h've come back to sort a few things with her.
I'm gonna phone her brief and see if I can make a meeting with her.
So you don't actually know where she's living then? No.
But her solicitors are local so she must be around here somewhere, mustn't she? Well, Iwas in the area and I thought I'd look up me old mates.
I'm so glad I did, Del.
It's done me the world of good, meeting you again and finding that you're willing to forgive and forget I know it might sound a bit poetic or sentimental, but the cup of human kindness really does runneth of That's my wife! This picture here! That's my Rachel! No, no, that says there Raquel, look.
That's her stage name.
She done a bit of singing and acting.
What's a picture of my wife doing in your flat? Well.
What's a picture of his wife doing in our flat, Rodney? - I don't know! - He doesn't know.
Can't you keep your noise down? I'm trying to get some sleep in there.
Is Raquel in yet? Raquel! You mean she lives here? Yes, I live here.
Hello, Roy.
- Rachel! - Who's Rachel? I'm sorry.
I just don't understand what's happening! I came back ere and Oh I see it now.
You're cohabiting, ain't you? If that's the way you want to put it, yes! Which one? You saucy git! What do you mean, which one? - Del? - Yes, Del! Who's Rachel? So what's the full SP, Derek? Is this just another sort you've trawled in your net? Another notch on the bedstead? Or are you two close? Where'd you get that from? You're pregnant! Oh that's what it is! We've been wondering about this, haven't we Del? Look here Slater.
You and Raquel broke up over 8 years ago! She's a free woman now! Not according to this letter from Rachel's solicitors! According to this I'm still her husband and she's still my wife! He's Raquel's husband? Yes! Now stay out of it, Unc! You know me, son.
I'm saying nothing! Where'd you think she's been for the past 8 years, in a convent? I just don't believe him! I'd think she'd have a bloke in tow and I guessed it wouldn't be Cliff Richard! You always liked to live a bit, didn’t you, love? Alright, that's enough of that, Slater.
Otherwise I'm gonna take you out on that balcony and see if the EEC have changed the laws on gravity! How'd you expect me to feel? This woman who I loved Shut up, Roy, you're making me feel sick! This woman, my lawful wedded wife has been fertilised by a Trotter! You had the whole world to choose from, Rachel.
You could have had Pol Pot or a Siberian pimp with gingivitis and a wart on his nose! But not you.
But you decided to go down-market, didn't you? That's it pal.
You're out of this bloody house.
Go on, get out.
Derek, just calm down.
He's beginning to get on my bloody nerves now, Rodney! Why did you come back, son? To see me friends, to see my family and most important of all, to see my wife.
I've got a nice little inheritance coming soon.
It's a nice few grand and I know this may sound ridiculous now well it will sound ridiculous now but I was thinking maybe you and me could try again.
A fresh start.
Come on.
Just naff off out of it, Slater.
Go on.
Don't you worry, Del.
I wouldn't take it back now, not in that condition.
Stop it Slater.
You're getting her excited.
- Yeah, I always could, couldn't I darling? - That's it! You better shut up, Roy, or I swear I'll set him on you! Calm down, Derek, please.
Alright, alright Rodney! Come on, you go into bed.
Go on, I'll be there in a minute.
- Who's Rachel? - Shut up, Albert! You awake, Rodney? Well, even if I weren't, I bloody would be now! What's up with you? You've given Slater my bed! Sorry, I had no choice, did I Rodney? His bed and breakfast place would probably have been locked up.
I had to let him kip here.
What d'you mean, you had to? Show a bit of compassion.
Can't you see the predicament that I'm in? No, I can't! All I can see is that snidey bark Slater lying in my bed and I'm stretched out on the chaise-longue again! I'm going to sleep! No, no Rodney, don't go to sleep.
I wanna talk.
What about? What d'you mean, what about? About everything.
About the situation, about Slater and Raquel and about my little baby! If people find out that Slater was married to Raquel that's gonna be the end of me and Trotters Independent Traders.
- No one's ever gonna trust me again! - But no one trusts you Why? What do you mean 'why'? How d'you think my business associates and clients would feel knowing that I was going caseo with the ex-wife of an ex-copper? And not any copper! Slater the slag! Most loathed and hated person in the parish! If they find out that Raquel and Slater had lived together and you know had sl.
.
sl - Slept? - Yeah.
Go back to sleep, Rodney! - I could hear voices.
- It was probably us.
Can't you sleep either? I've been lying in there for hours worrying about this situation.
If people find out that Raquel was married to Slater you'd be finished.
I know that, Unc! People would be saying things behind me back.
Horrible things.
Things like 'Slater's reject', things like that.
Have you spoken with Raquel yet? Of course I haven't! It's not that poor mare's fault, is it, eh? I've gotta try and protect her from the gossip.
I've gotta try and protect meself as well.
Cause you kno.
I'm a proud man.
I don't want people to think that I mess with rejects! You see Rodney, that's why had to let Slater have your bed, you see? I gotta try to keep him sweet.
I don't want him going around the parish, in the pubs and markets opening his mouth.
He's got a hold over me.
But he doesn't know that! Rodney's got a point, Del.
What he's saying is.
don't let Slater walk all over you.
If you do he might become suspicious and start wondering why.
I don't know.
Perhaps you're right.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm dying of thirst.
Couldn't you sleep, Del? No.
As a matter of fact I got up early to give you an early breakfast, Slater.
Oh that's nice of you.
Then I was gonna take you by the scruff of the neck and I was gonna kick you out the bloody flat.
Is that right? I couldn't sleep either worrying about you.
What the local reaction would be if they were to find out the truth.
I don't think anyone would ever trust you again if they knew you were living with the wife of an ex-copper.
Not just any ex-copper! But Slater, who is universally hated and despised! I think that would be the end of you.
Now I wouldn't like that to happen, especially not to a good mate like you.
Because, despite the fact that you have taken my wife, the one woman I ever really loved, and tubbed her, I don't hold it against you.
So, I made a promise to meself and I'm gonna make the same promise to you.
I'm gonna keep my mouth shut.
You know it makes sense, Roy.
Thanks very much.
I just hope and pray I don't have too many beers down the Nag's Head and go and let it slip.
Beer always goes to my head.
Champagne, champagne is different.
I know exactly what I'm saying with champagne.
But until my inheritance comes through I can't afford those sort of luxuries.
It's a poser, innit, Del? Yes, yes.
That's a bit of a poser, Roy.
There's some money there.
Go and have a couple of bottles on me.
Are you sure, Del? Well, that's very kind of you.
I really am quite moved.
Thanks.
See you all in the morning.
I don't know how long I'll be staying, but that's not a problem, is it? - No, no! That's no problem, Roy.
- Cheers Del.
What you gonna do now, son? He's got you by the b well, like that.
I don't know what I'm gonna do! It feels like I'm in a state of shock.
State of shock! Must be like being hit by a John Barnes free kick! I know.
They're short and curly and all, ain't they? Don't know how much this is gonna cost me before it's all over.
I've already given him 40 quid and it's only the first evening.
You might have given him 40 quid Del, but this is Slater's wallet! That's funny, I thought it was Rodney's.
That's cheered me up a bit, anyway.
Here's some sort of contract from Slater's solicitor to Raquel! 'I, Rachel Slater, hereby waive all my legal rights and entitlements to my husband's present and future estates.
' It's one of them things them film stars get their future wives to sign.
A pre-nuptial agreement, or in this case a post-nuptial agreement.
He wanted Raquel to waive all her rights to his money! What money is he talking about? I thought he was skint.
Yeah, but he's got some kind of inheritance coming up.
I suppose it's what his dad left him.
No, his dad wouldn't have left him anything.
He hated him more than the rest of us.
Listen to this, "Dear Mr Slater, bla, bla.
I would take this oppertunity to bring to your notice the recordbreaking high which exists on today's international diamond market.
I would strongly advise your consideration to selling the 10 items you deposited with my firm some years ago.
I await your instructions, yours faithfully, bla, bla, bla.
" This is from a Bond Street diamond merchant.
This is Slater's inheritance.
These 10 little sparklers that he pugged away when the smuggling racket went up the pictures.
You've got him, Del! This is concrete evidence! I know, Rodney.
Give me that wallet.
We're gonna hide this.
And we mustn't rush things, Rodney until we work out how it's best to handle this.
Oh you found it, Del.
I've been looking everywhere for that.
That breakfast in bed you mentioned.
About 9.
30 alright? - Couple of boiled eggs would be nice.
- Cushty, Roy.
Rachel! Sorry, Raquel.
Let me get you a drink.
No thanks.
I just called in to see if Del was No, I insist! Mike, another bottle if you'd be so kind.
- This on Del's account and all, is it? - Yeah.
That's alright with you, innit? Yeah, fine.
Del said anything you wanted.
It's down to him.
They broke the mould when they made that man.
She seems a nice girl.
Raquel? Yeah, she's lovely.
She's been married before, you know.
- Oh yeah? - A right git, I heard.
Really? Her luck changed when she met Del.
He's had his faults, but his heart’s in the right place.
Don't tell him I told you that, will you? What are you playing at, Roy? Why's Del paying for your champagne and bringing you breakfast in bed? He's just giving a helping hand to an old school friend who's fallen on hard times.
When are you going, Roy? I haven't decided.
I'm just waiting for my inheritance to come through.
Then I'm thinking of buying a house in this area.
We'll be seeing quite a lot of each other in the future.
D'you ever think back to our times together? Some things remind me.
Things like repeats of Tenko.
Del Boy, Rodney.
Let me get you a drink.
Yes.
Make it a large bottle, will you Roy? - You alright, sweetheart? - Yeah.
I called in to see if you were here.
Why don't you go and sit in the van? Cause I'm gonna try to sort this thing out with Slater.
It might not be very nice.
You're not going to hit him over the head with a chair, are you? - Of course not! - Oh, well! I'll go and sit in the van then.
Alright, Roy? Enjoying my champagne, are you? Lovely, Del.
Helps me keep a clear head, and as you know best of all that's very important.
I was gonna take Raquel shopping this morning, but she was still asleep.
She always was difficult to wake up.
You know you how easily these things can slip out.
I was thinking about hiring a car for a couple of weeks.
That alright with you? Let's go and sit down over there, shall we, and just discuss it.
Of course, lead on.
Before we go any further, Roy, there's something I want to ask you.
You knew all along that Raquel was living with me, didn't you? I suppose it's no harm in it.
Yeah, I knew.
I went to the town hall and looked up her name on the poll-tax register.
Didn't see your name down there, Del.
I had to get into your flat to make sure it's the same woman.
That's when I came up with the old school reunion idea.
Del, go and fetcha bottle of champagne, as a good chap.
You've got a habit of leaving things lying around, don't you, Slater? Like the other night when you left your wallet lying around.
I couldn't help having a little peak inside.
I sw that contract you wanted Raquel to sign.
Only protecting me interests, Del.
If it's good enough for Rod Stewart, it's good enough for me.
We also read that welcome home letter from your friendly diamond merchant.
What would happen if took that letter to the Old Bill? Sweet FA, Derek! You've overlooked something.
You may have read my personal paperwork, but that ain't proof! I've still got exhibit A tucked up safe and sound in my pocket.
Now, get out of that one, Perry.
This morning, before I woke you with your breakfast, I took your wallet out of your pocket and had another look at that paperwork.
- So what? - Can I have exhibit A please, Rodney? See this? That is what's called a fax machine.
It's exactly the same as the one we've got in the flat.
It's a state of the art technology, that is.
You can send a message anywhere in the world with one of those.
And you know what else you can do? What does it say on there? Look.
'Photocopier'.
Photocopier.
Right, Roy my boy, it photocopies things.
Like pictures, like advertising bumf, like letters from diamond merchants asking what you want done with 10 little sparklers, things like that.
So you've got a copy! Not just one.
Several.
I mean, say we mislaid something as important as that? Be a crime, wouldn't it? You said it, bruv.
You seem to forget, Derek, I know a lot more about the law than you do.
I've already stood trial for those diamonds.
I've served me sentence.
You can't be tried for the same crime twice.
I know, Rodney thought of that.
So we went down to the local newspaper offices and we read the reports on the trial.
They had every little detail.
They even had a photo of you in the football team, you remember, at school? Spot the Git competition, it was.
Now according to the report, you were tried for illegally importing 78 diamonds into the country.
It didn't say nothing about 10 missing diamonds.
Police don't know nothing about them yet.
I'd wonder how your mates down at the Yard would feel if they got a copy of that letter.
It'd probably mean a new trial.
- And be honest, Roy Be honest! - Be honest! You wouldn't stand a chance, would you? Not with your record.
It'd be an even longer sentence this time.
What? 7 years? I'd reckon 10.
Still, that wouldn't worry you, would it, Roy? 'Cause you like reunions, don't you, eh? I wonder how your mates in the nick will feel when they see you back.
They'll probably throw a party for you, on the roof.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I suspect that you're angling for a deal.
Quite right.
Alright.
When I've sold the stones, I'll split the money with you.
I'll give you 10 per cent.
- No.
- No.
Alright.
80-20 in my favour.
- No.
- No, sir.
- Come on! 70-30? - No.
We don't want the money.
We don't want the m We don't want the money? All I want from you is a promise that you will give Raquel a divorce.
Then you leave her alone forever! You get out of tis area and never come back.
You also keep your big mouth shut.
Because if one person, just one, hears that you were married to Raquel then there'll be a letter with a first-class stamp on it winging it's way to the commissioner of police.
- And that’s the deal? - That's the deal! Well, those terms seem acceptable to me, Derek.
Very acceptable.
I give you my word.
I'll keep my mouth shut.
And I'll keep away from pillar boxes.
I think that concludes our business.
Michael, a bottle of champagne please, and two glasses.
I've got a train to catch.
Would you do me a favour? When the baby's born, if it's a boy would you name it after me? I wouldn't have thought so.
Hardly fair to christen a kid 'Dick', is it? Have a nice life, Del Boy.
I will, Slater, don't worry, I will.
Well donw, Rodney! We done it! What a team! What a bloody team! Why didn't we take his money? Because it's illegal.
Yeah, but Yeah, I suppose you're right.
But, you see, when he sells the diamonds, and he gives Raquel her divorce she will be entitled legally to 50 per cent of everything! Oh, Derek! I will drink to that! You two celebrating something? You could say that, Mike.
We've just pulled off the deal of the year! That reminds me, Del.
That fax machine you sold me.
The photocopier on it don't work.
Don't it? That's funny! It don't work on ours either!