Only Fools and Horses (1981) s07e08 Episode Script
Miami Twice - Oh to Be in England (2)
What a blinding night, eh, Rodders? They were a nice bunch of blokes.
Well, they were absolute 42-carat diamonds.
We was drinking with them all night, never had to put our hands in our pockets, did we? What's the matter? What's happened? - What's the matter? - It's all gone! They've nicked it - our suitcases, flight bags, duty frees - the lot! I don't believe it! I do not believe it! I mean, we was only in there half an hour! Well, four hours.
What's gonna happen? How we gonna get home? - Now, Del, don't panic! - Eh? Listen, I took the passports and flight tickets in there with us.
Rodney, you are a saint, mate! You are a saint! Well done! Where's the money? - I left that in the van.
- You plonker, Rodney! You told me to! And you told me to leave the luggage in the back! Why didn't you use your initiative? I didn't even want to go in to that bloody club! All right! Calm down! Cor, stone me! I don't know How much money we got between us? - What's that? - 32 dollars, right? What can we get for 32 dollars? Mugged! Hey! You two guys still here? Let me guess - you decided to come back and have that one for the road with us! No, I wish we had, Rico.
No, we're thinking of going to the police.
- Why? You got a problem? - Yeah, we've been robbed.
- You're kidding! - No, I wish we was! They broke into the van and took everything! Oh, gee, that is too bad! God, I feel so embarrassed! You just arrive in this country and this happens? What a welcome! - It's just one of them things.
- What are you guys gonna do? I don't know.
We got no money, no clothes, no duty frees, we got nothing! We'll have to get the police to sort it out.
The cops'll do diddly squat! They don't know their ass from first base! But Salvatore here's a lawyer.
Maybe he could talk to some of his friends at the DA's office? Yeah, first thing in the morning.
Could you do that? That would be very nice of you.
- Wouldn't it, Rodders? - Yeah! In the meantime, you two guys are coming home with me.
- Is this your place, Rico? - It belongs to my family.
(DEL) Very nice! (OPERA MUSIC) What sort of business are you in, Rico? (RICO) We're in insurance and imports.
(DEL) Imports and exports? (RICO) No, just imports.
Well, this is it! - Welcome! - Thank you! (INTERCOM BUZZES) - Yo! - Rico, I want you up here fast! I'll be right up.
I'll show you to your guest suite.
Guest SUITE! We've fallen on our feet here, bruv! You see 'em? And I heard 'em! Why are you bringing Australians home? They're two English guys over here on vacation.
They're in the guest suite.
Why are you bringing limeys into my house?! I hate limeys! We met 'em at the club.
Wait a minute What are you doing, picking up guys in bars? Are you getting light on your feet? Is there too much air in your Nikes? These two bozos could be the answer to your prayers.
One of them is a dead ringer for you.
Even Francisco thought he was serving you.
Look, I saw them on the security monitor.
I saw no similarity whatsoever.
He's much taller than me.
He's a thinner guy altogether.
No, the other one.
The squirty little dude with the polecat face? Yeah.
I see, Salvatore.
Salvatore this is your lucky day, 'cause I'm in a good mood! I'm only gonna break ONE of your legs! And 'cause you're a member of the family I'm gonna do it slowly! Pop, it was dark outside.
You couldn't see him clearly! - Tell him, Sal! - It's true.
He looks just like you.
Last year I went to the zoo and I saw a camel.
It looked just like your mother, but I didn't invite it home and put it in the guest suite! So there's a guy who looks like me! What's the big deal? I'll tell you what the big deal is.
Imagine this guy dressed up in your clothes.
In MY clothes? Are you out of your mind?! We dress the limey up in your clothes and take him out to eat in a nice restaurant.
Now, while he's having lunch in full public view, - somebody blows him away! - This is something I do not advise! Everybody will think the other families have had you killed.
Don't you see what this means? What? Tell him, Sal.
In the eyes of America, there will be no more Don Occhetti.
No more Don Occhetti equals no more trial.
No more trial equals no more prison sentence.
You sneak off to Rio for a few years, long enough for your plastic surgery to heal, and come back as Uncle? - Carlo.
Carlo from New Jersey, and take over the family business! Rico sometimes during my life I have doubted that you were my child.
Sometimes I thought that the hospital had screwed up and given us the baby of a family from Pittsburgh.
But I take it all back - you are definitely my son! It's brilliant! It's wonderful! It also means one less limey in the world! Two.
His brother gets a one-way ticket also.
Have you had a butchers at the bog? It's solid marble! None of that stick-on gear from the old DIY! This is the real McCoy! Someone up there loves us! Sh! I'm up to channel 49! - How many channels are there? - That's what I'm researching.
Good boy.
I always said you should be a scientist! Look at this! It can't be bad, can it? Look at this! Don't let the limeys call home.
No one must know about this address.
Lurch is cutting all the phones except our business line.
As far as everyone in jolly old England is concerned, they've vanished off the face of the earth.
They can blame it on the Bermuda Triangle! - Or the Twilight Zone! - The Twilight Zone! We have struck gold here, bruv.
We'll have to show Rico our gratitude - get him a present or something.
Yeah, we'll do that.
Hey, we've got no money! Never mind, I'll nip him for a few quid! Blimey! We'd better phone in to HQ! Raquel will be going spare! Oh, the line's dead! Well, do that.
Why? That's what they do in American films! Oh, yes! No, it's still dead.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) There you go, Derek.
These are my uncle's clothes.
He's about the same size as you.
Yes, well, thanks! Very nice! Rico, I don't want to be a pain, but Rodney's got nothing to wear.
No problem.
A guy who works here is Rodney's build.
He'll lend you some clothes.
(RICO) Lurch! - Lurch? Saucy bark! - Don't be so ungrateful! Tell Gino to bring up some of his clothes.
Piece of cake, Rod! By the way, the old dog's knackered.
- What? - The phone's not working.
Oh, the telephone.
A couple of days ago, we had a tropical storm.
The whole area's out.
Don't worry, it will be back soon.
Get some sleep, because tomorrow we go to my favourite restaurant.
- A day on the town! - Lovely jubbly! It's a nice little Italian joint.
The food is out of this world.
Believe me, Del, this place will kill you! By the way, wear this suit and the chains.
It will make you look real business-like.
Ooh! Yes! Of course, this is very me, this, Rico.
Of course, back home in England, I'm a yuppy, ain't I, Rodney? Yeah.
That's cool.
Well, nighty-night.
(DEL) Nighty-night.
(ROD) Night.
He is such a nice bloke! They broke the mould when they made him! Yeah Look, Del, don't think I'm getting paranoid or nothing, but did you notice them really tough couple of blokes by the gate? Yeah.
- There was one downstairs an' all.
- Yeah.
So what? Well, it's most probably ridiculous You don't think that Rico might be? What? - A noofter.
- A noofter? Him?! No! He's Italian, ain't he? You can't have an Italian noofter.
It's a well-known medical fact! But they're all blokes! That's because he's a man's man, ain't he? I'll tell you what else he is, Rodney.
He's a little gold nugget! Yeah, that's what he is, Rodney! A little gold nugget! In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, - bless you - Reverend? Amen.
Raquel, I'm glad I met you.
I was going to phone Derek as soon as the lorry had gone.
- Del? Del's in Miami.
- Miami? Oh, dear.
Excuse me for asking, but why are you blessing a Romanian lorry? I'm blessing the contents.
Didn't Derek tell you? No Has this got something to do with Derek? Yes, he did a time and motion study of the blessing of the wine and had the idea of doing it en masse.
Then I distribute it to churches throughout England.
Oh, hell! - Sorry! - It's been a real money saver, especially as Del sells it to us so cheap.
There's just one major problem.
It's turned out to be Romanian Riesling.
Romanian Riesling? Yes.
White wine.
The communion wine is red.
- It represents the blood of Christ.
Exactly! Churches are returning their cases daily! You may be getting a call from the Archbishop of Canterbury's office.
- Oh, God! - That's what I keep saying! We got some action.
Give me that camera.
- Is it Occhetti? - No, his son and one of the gorillas.
Wait a minute What do you reckon, then, Rico? It fits like a dream, don't it? Perfect, Del, just perfect.
There's a bloke over there with a camera.
Oh, yeah! All right, pal? Who's that, then, Rico? Who knows? Tourists, maybe.
I'm starved.
Let's eat! Yeah, and me.
Lovely jubbly! (MOUTHS) - 29-30.
- (RADIO) 29-30 Q-S-K.
Occhetti and the boys have stopped for lunch at Carlotti's restaurant.
(RADIO) One-three-two-five.
Miami Q-S-L.
Don Occhetti.
- Doner-ketti to you, too! - Doner-ketti! I am so happy you have honoured me with your presence here today.
On behalf of my family and myself, I thank you deeply! That's all right.
Puskas, puskas! I will prepare for you a table.
Would you like a drink at the bar? Yes, thank you very much, signor.
I've got a diabolical thirst! Excuse me.
Is everything to your satisfaction, signore? Lovely! Blinding dumplings! Signore? Yeah, it's a lovely-looking cork, innit? You're supposed to test the bouquet.
Oh! Thank you.
Oh, yes! Lovely jubbly! - Pour on, Macduff! - Grazie, signore.
- Excuse me, Del, I gotta go to the john.
- Oh, right.
Do one for me, son, will ya? I've got to go check the plumbing as well.
I've gotta go, too.
And me.
Hope it ain't catching! Must have been them enchilados they had last night! - Cheers, bruv! - Cheers, Del.
Any time now.
- How ya doing? - Fine, thank you.
Fine.
- We're just talking.
- Sorry to interrupt.
Oh, you're not interrupting.
Well, hurry up! Just do it! Don't pick it up with your spoon! Use a fork! Don't be stupid, Rodney! It would roll off a fork, wouldn't it? As I was saying, I've always had this gift.
Wherever I go in the world, people always take to me! You ain't been nowhere! Fair enough, I ain't been nowhere, but wherever I have been, people have taken to me.
I mean, take this holiday.
All right, the first night we arrived, we was ripped off, we lost everything, but then I bumped into young Rico and he took to me.
I don't know what it is.
People always like me and I don't know why! It's got me bewildered an' all (!) Rodney! (THUD!) I was saving this dumpling till last an' all! Blimey! I don't know! What's the matter? It hardly touched the ground! Anyway, the floor was clean! Honestly! You and your hygiene! - Del Boy - What? Somebody just shot you.
Shot me? Don't worry, Rodders, I'm feeling much better now.
- Del, look! - What's wrong with you? (GLASS SMASHES, WOMAN SCREAMS) Bingo! Gee, I hope that wasn't my dessert! How can you joke at a time like this? His father's just been shot! Shut up, Lurch.
Oh, my God! Somebody call an ambulance! Is he dead? No, but it was bloody close, Rico! A bullet come out of nowhere! If he knew how to use a knife and fork, he'd be a goner! That's true.
Absolutely! I was just sitting there, eating me dumplings, and then a bullet hits the back of me chair! - You don't need it, son! - No you certainly do not! (PHONE RINGS) - Shall I get it? - Please.
If it's anyone from the Church of England, tell them I'm out.
Trotters Independent Traders, plc.
Yeah, it's me! Where are ya? - Is it Del? - No.
Cassandra.
I'm at my hotel in Eastbourne.
- Have you heard from them yet? - No, not yet, love.
I'm so worried! We don't even know where they're staying.
Yes, we do.
Raquel phoned the travel agent.
They hired a camper.
A camper? They could be anywhere! - No, they found the camper.
- Thank God! Where? It was abandoned in a car park.
Everything was gone - luggage, passports, money, everything.
- Oh, God! - Give me the phone! You'll worry her to death, you morbid old goat! Hello, it's me.
- Do you think Rodney's been hurt? - Of course not! Del's with him.
You don't think he's been arrested, do you? Oh, no! Del's with him! There's bound to be a reason for Rodney not calling.
- Like what? - Well Del's with him! Here you are, chaps! - Well done! Is this mine? - Yeah.
The bloke who owns the bar says he offers his deepest respect and his loyalty is beyond question.
- That's very nice! Have I met him? - No.
People keep offering me their deepest respect and kissing me hand! They're nice people, Del - hospitable, salt of the earth.
They certainly seem that way, Rico.
Derek, you ever had a go on one of those? - Have I had a go on one of those? - 'Course you ain't! Would you like to try? It's no sweat.
I know the owner.
What, me have a go on one of those things? No, way, Pedro! Come on, Del.
There's a first time for everything! "No way, Pedro"? You won't catch me on one of them things! And I was always led to believe that you Brits were a seafaring race (!) We are! We gave you the world's greatest sailors, pal! We gave you Nelson, we gave you Drake, we gave you Columbus.
(RICO LAUGHS) But you're afraid of a few itsy-bitsy waves? (LAUGHTER) No, I'm not afraid, Rico.
I've got no reason to be afraid, because I've got a 100-yards swimming certificate back at home.
- Ain't I, Rodders? - Yeah, he has.
All right, let's have a go.
- Are you sure about this? - He who dares, Rodney! We don't want them thinking that us Brits are chicken, do we? We certainly do not! This one looks all right, don't it? No, Del, this is the one.
Yeah, of course.
That one is better.
Don't be shy.
Straddle your weight evenly.
This is your start button.
This is the throttle.
Just remember, the faster you go, the easier it is to stay up.
Way to go, fella! Yeah, cushty! Here we go! Look at that baby go! Lovely, yes! Lovely jubbly! I think that's far enough now! - Did he say something? - I didn't hear a thing.
Rico! The steering wheel's stuck! The steering wheel is stuck! Now the throttle's stuck! Rico! I've got an iffy throttle! He's going a long way out! - Yeah, but he's enjoying himself.
- I know.
I'm just saying he's going a long way out.
Where are the brakes on this bloody thing?! Gordon Bennett! What a guy, huh? - Yeah, he's certainly surprised me.
- Why's that? Well, he can't even swim! He said he had a certificate for swimming! He has, but it ain't his.
Help! Help! (PILOT) We've begun our descent into Miami, We'll soon be in Miami.
Let's hope it's better than Washington! I liked Washington.
Not much of a beach though, was there? We've been all down the east coast of America - and you've done nothing but moan! - I didn't moan in Atlantic City.
You was too busy gambling in the casinos! - That's funny! - What is? There's a bloke on one of them ski-jets.
- So what? - We're 25 miles off the coast! He must know what he's doing.
(RICO) I'm calling to say that our meeting can go ahead as scheduled.
Right, I forgot.
You don't speak English.
Your meeting with my father can go ahead as planned.
Planned.
Si Gracias.
I look forward to meeting you.
Lovely jubbly! "Lovely jubbly!" Hi.
How are you doing? Fine.
I just thought that might be news of Del.
No.
I'll let you know if I hear anything.
You're not worried, are you? No! It's just that he left the beach at 11.
00 this morning and it's now 8.
30 at night.
Your brother's one hell of a fun guy! But can you have fun on a jet-ski for nine and a half hours? Del can! I bet he's in a nightclub in Key West with some senorita.
He's wearing swimming trunks.
- They all do on Key West! - Oh, it's like that, is it? I see the phones are working again.
- No.
- I thought I saw you - It's a private line for business.
- Oh, I see.
How come that one's working when all the others in the area are out? Search me.
Could I use that phone for a minute? No.
I'm expecting a very important business call.
Right.
I just wanted to phone home and tell 'em where we were in case they was worried.
They don't need to worry, Rod.
You're with us.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Well, I'll be in me room.
If you hear anything You'll be the first to know.
Goodnight.
Lurch is bringing the car round the front.
The tall one's starting to ask questions.
Looks like tomorrow we take him for a drive and put him out of his misery.
One down, one to go! (DOORBELL CHIMES) Good evening, sir.
Officer, is there any news of my father? Yes, sir, and I'm afraid it's bad news.
Oh, God! Good God, no! We fished him out three hours ago.
He's dead? No, he's alive and well.
- What? - That's what I mean by bad news.
See, we know what the plan was, Rico.
Daddy doesn't cherish spending the rest of his life in the pen, so he takes a jet-ski to a friendly yacht and sails off into the sunset.
It couldn't work, Rico, for two reasons.
One - we're watching his every move.
We saw him leave, then the coastguard had him on radar.
Two - he ran out of gas 35 miles off Cuba.
Am I glad to be back, Rico! It was horrible out there! I thought I was a goner! I don't know what would have happened to me if that police helicopter hadn't found me! Why don't you go in the kitchen and get yourself something to eat? Thanks.
I could murder a pina colada! Something's happened to his voice - he sounds Australian.
We think it might be salt on the vocal chords.
Oh, rest assured, officer, I got something for his throat! Goodnight! You limey turkey! What have I got to do to get rid of you? How much do I owe you? They're with Mickey Pearce on the last round.
- You're joking! - No, I'm not! - You're worrying about nothing! - They've been gone five days and we haven't heard from them, and you call that "nothing"? I bet there's a simple explanation for it.
Maybe Dave's gone down to Brazil to have a look at the forest.
You can't get more simple than that! I mean, just look at that telly, Sid.
It's all bad news.
You're right.
Nothing but bad news.
- It's all tragedies and disasters.
- Yeah, it's all gloom and doom.
I shouldn't have it on during happy hour really.
Funny about Del and Rodney, innit? - They'll turn up sooner or later.
- Yeah.
I just hope the police catch whoever did it.
I must be off.
Cheers, Mike.
Cheers, mate.
Stay lucky! - Have you heard from Cassandra? - Yes, she's as worried as you are.
There's nothing to worry about! A few years back, my brother went to Portugal and didn't contact us for three months.
His wife rang Interpol, my mum was going mad, - but he turned up safe and sound.
- Where had he been? Shacked up with some German tart.
- Shut up, there's a good boy! - All right, so he was out of order, but at least he weren't injured! Which is more than people will say about you if you don't shut it! I've known Del a lot longer than you, and he can be a bit forgetful, especially if he's enjoying himself.
He's probably having the time of his life I'm not saying the right things, am I? - No, you're not.
- Mickey's more comforting than you! Here, Raquel! Look! Hang on.
I'll turn the sound up.
(TV) The Miami DA's office call this man "Public Enemy Number One".
His web of vice and corruption has spread across America, and he's said to be the most dangerous criminal since Al Capone.
There's Del and Dave! "Public enemy number one"? But he only left Tuesday! - What's happening? - The Colombians have landed.
They'll be here any minute.
I want everyone down here to greet 'em.
We need a show of strength - let 'em know they're not dealing with the Boy Scouts! - No problem.
- Hey Where are the limeys? Don't worry, I've taken care of them.
They're busy.
Whack it back to me, for Gawd's sake! I'm trying to whack it back! I'm no good at tennis! No, really (?) Anyway, what's the score? I'm six sets up, aren't I? No, you are not! You're about two games up and it's my serve.
- No, it's my serve.
- You served during the last game! I know, and I won, so it's my serve again.
No, it don't Oh, I've had enough of this! I'm going in! Oh, just 'cause you're losing! (GROANS WITH EFFORT) You there, Rico? Lurch? Tony? Is anybody about? (BURPS) Mrs Trotter! Mrs Trotter! - Cass? It's me, Rodney.
- Where are you? - Are you all right? - Steady on! Listen, we're both fine, right? Come on, one of you jerks! Hurry up and answer the phone! (INTERCOM BUZZES) Hello? Battersea Dog's Home.
Woof! Ow-woo! I've been so worried about you! - Have ya? - Yes! They let me off the interview on compassionate grounds.
So you could have come with me! Not without the help of a fortune teller.
- I didn't know you'd go missing! - I suppose not.
Rodney, where are you? You're not in our room! I wish you could have come.
They're such nice people.
Well, if you hadn't booked that week, - I would have been with you.
- Del booked the tickets.
Del? No, he couldn't.
He knew I was in Eastbourne that week.
I suppose he thought What do you mean, he knew? I told him about it over lunch, so why did he book that week? Isn't it obvious why? So he could get a free bloody holiday! Rodney! Come on! Come out, come out, wherever you are! Rodney! (DEL) Are you there, Roddy Woddy? Oh, yes, this is very nice! This is a bit of me, this is, 'cause I'm a Byzantine sort of bloke! (DEL) Where are you hiding, you little scallywag? You git! You rotten, conniving git! You are the most selfish bastard I've ever come across! Do you know who I've just been talking to? Cassandra! Hah! That's shaken you, ain't it? You knew all along she wouldn't be able to make this trip, didn't you? You knew she had to go to Eastbourne but you didn't tell me, did you? You kept that well quiet so you could come on this bloody holiday! And where did you get that stupid tracksuit from? I don't want to hear none of your excuses! Do not talk to me, all right? Git! You ain't sleeping in here! Rico will have to find somewhere else for you! - What's up with you, soppy? - You know full well! You knew Cassandra couldn't come on this trip, because she told you! Ah now you come to mention it, - she DID say something.
- But you planned it! You booked it just so you could come away with me on this holiday! Now, listen.
Please, calm down a minute, will ya? I'll try and explain everything to you.
See, the thing is that That wine deal of mine has gone right up the pictures! I had a phone call from Bucharest.
The first lorryload they delivered was white wine! I just didn't know what to do, and you know me, don't ya? There's only two things in the world that worry me, and that is doctors and, you know gods.
I was frightened of being cursed! So I thought, "If I come over here to Miami, He won't find me.
" That's the only reason I did it, honest! I wanted to lay low for a spell.
Yeah, on my pension money! Del, you are the most horrible, dirty little How did you get in here? What do you mean, how did I get in here? - How did you get in this room? - Well, I came through that door, it's a blinding invention (!) I locked that door and the only How did you get changed so quickly? I haven't got changed! I've been in this all morning! I don't understand this.
I was just talking to you outside.
You couldn't have done, 'cause I've been in the khazi en suite! I just had a row with you on the landing! You were wearing a pink and green tracksuit! A pink and green track? Rodney, I want you to tell me the truth.
I won't be angry.
Have you taken anything? Have you smoked one of them Jamaican Woodbines? The only thing I've taken is a load of cobblers from you! Now, I was talking to you on that landing or Or what? Or someone who looks like you.
Someone who looks like me? You mean like a double? - Yeah.
- Oh, dear.
(DEL TUTS) You know what this means, don't you? It means that you're a bigger plonker than I thought you were! Have a look for yourself! He's out there! I will if it will shut you up, you little dipstick! I don't know what the world is coming to! I'm a prisoner in my own home, and all because of those goddamn sorry-assed limeys! Boo! Look, dippy! That's who it was! Your reflection! How can I have a row with a bloody reflection? I've often had a barney with myself when I've come home from a party! (OPERA ON HEADPHONES) I'm closing your account, you lime-sucking bozos! What do you want to do? Go and check it out? I'll keep a look-out.
So you want to keep a look-out, and you want me check the room, right? - Yeah.
- Oh, cushty (!) Do it yourself, Del! Go on, then! I hate limeys! I hate limeys! I hate limeys! I hate 'em! I hate 'em! (SMASHING GLASS) Senor Vasquez, my father has been looking forward to meeting you.
So it is with me, too.
Del! Somebody's coming! They're trying to kill me! Fromage frais! (APPROACHING VOICES) - (RICO) You had a good flight? - Oh, my Gawd! The Colombians are here.
This is Senor Vasquez, and his associate, Senor Herrera.
I'll be next door if you need me.
Gentlemen.
Don Occhetti, I am honoured to meet you, sir! Forgive me.
My English, no good! Bonnetti.
Bonnetti.
Bonnetti! Bonnetti! - We bring the final formation - IN-formation! information concerning our business transaction.
Business Cushty! You will read, please? What? What is this exactly? - It is the firmation - CON-firmation.
confirmation regarding delivery of merchandise.
Smashing! Smashing! What sort of merchandise, is it, then? Senor, it is the finest, the purest, the very best cocaine.
Coc? Coc? C-C-C-Cocaine? (MOUTHS) It is on a yacht anchored off shore.
We wait We await your instructions.
Don Occhetti, where delivery of merchandise in the boat? - Where? Where? - Boat delivery, yeah I'll tell you what, why don't you deliver it tonight, midnight in Do you know Biscayne Bay? Deliver the merchandise to Biscayne Bay.
Biscayne Bay.
- Bees gayne - Cayne.
Cayne.
- Cayne - Bay.
- Bay.
- Bay Bay.
Biscayne Bay.
Is it safe? Safe? Yes, the cocaine will be safe all right.
Someone there to meet us? Ooh, don't worry, there'll be someone there to meet you, yeah.
Good! Good! (VASQUEZ) It is good to do business with you.
It is very good! (RUNNING WATER) Room, who? Who? Whom? Whom? - Whom room? - Whom room? Um Whom is in there? That is the bathroom and that's my girlfriend in there! - What does he mean? - Don Occhetti's senorita.
Oh, yes! Hey, senorita! (GROWLING BURP FROM BATHROOM) Yes, yes The senorita had a double helping of chilli con carne last night.
I told her not to but you know what they're like! Cor, look at the time! I think that concludes our business, gentlemen.
All right, then Thank you very much.
- Adios.
- A-ge-dos.
- We will peaking soon.
- We will peaking soon.
Bonnetti! Bonnetti! Bonnetti! Bonnetti! Didn't you hear me knocking? Rico brought two blokes up to that room! Rodney, we are in deep, deep shtook! - This is Mafia country! - Mafia? Yes! Sh! Come over here.
- Sit down there.
- Just listen to me.
You know Rico, Salvatore and them other guys? They're all Mafioso! Remember you said you thought you saw a bloke what looked like me? Well, there IS one! He's got a room down there! His name's Don Occhetti and he is the boss.
I'm telling you, Rodney, this is Marlon Brambo time! Yes! I just read a newspaper down there.
It's all about him! This Don, he's up for trial.
It looks like he's well in the frame, and he's gonna spend the rest of his life in the nick! - What for? - Drug-running, kidnapping, and three - you count 'em - three murders! That is what all this has been about, Rodney, don't you understand? They've been trying to kill ME! Think about it - that accidental stray bullet that whacked the chair, the iffy ski-boat ride, eh? Don't you see? If I go for a burton, this Donald-whatever-his-name-is won't stand trial and he goes free! Aren't you just letting your imagination run away with you? I wish I was, Rodney, I wish I was! Look at that, pal.
Go on! I've been down there and just had a little tete-a-tete with two Colombian drug barons! Bloody hell, Del! He's a Mafia boss! That's what I've been trying to tell ya.
Look at it! - Oh, cosmic! - Hmm? Cos-bloody-mic! I just roughed him up! I have just roughed up a Mafia boss! I called him a git! - I called a Mafia boss - Pull yourself together! a git! These are not the sort of people you wanna spend your holidays with! Rico can forget that present we was gonna buy him! - Let's get outta here! - How? - They're all downstairs! - We'll go out the window! Quick before I wake up with a bloody horse's head on me pillow! You first! Go on! Look at this! - Mucho very much! - Hasta la vista! Yeah.
Send Rico up to me.
Tell him I want to talk to him.
There's something sharp up there! How the hell did this happen? I don't know, Pop.
The last time I saw it, it was fine.
Leave it.
I'll get Lurch to do it.
- OK.
- Well, the Colombians seem happy.
Well, maybe they won't be so happy after we've had our meeting.
- Show 'em up, Rico.
- Show 'em up? - They just left! - Left? What the hell did they come all this way for and then leave without talking to me?! But I brought them in and How did you get changed so quickly? I've worn it all morning.
I've been working out.
Oh, God! The limey! I'm in court tomorrow morning! Rico! - Do something, you stupid jerk! - Don't worry, we'll get 'em back.
Are you enjoying the ride, boys? Oh, yes, lovely, Miss Daisy! - I don't believe this! - This is supposed to be a getaway! At this rate, we'll be done for kerb crawling! - This is about as far as I go.
- Well, thanks for the lift.
Have a nice trip back to Australia! - We're not Aussies, we're English! - Leave it.
She's old! - (RICO) Sure it was them? - Who else is running around here dressed like Jimmy Connors? Raquel, where have you been? I've been to Royal Ascot (!) - Where do you think I've been? - Cassandra phoned.
- She's spoken with Rodney.
- Well, where are they? They're in a millionaire's mansion.
A tropical storm knocked the phones out so they couldn't call.
- When are they coming home? - They fly home tomorrow.
You can stop worrying.
They're both safe and sound! Come on, Rodney! Where's your stamina? Bloody hell! Help me out of here, Rodney! - Come here! - I can't! Come on! Gordon Bennett! What is that stuff anyway? I think it's water hyacinth.
I read about it in my Greenpeace magazine.
Why's it floating on the water? That's what it does.
It grows on the water.
We must be in the Everglades.
Everglades? It looks more like a swamp to me! Well, it is a swa Don't matter.
Rodney, just get me home, will ya? Back to England's pleasant land and those dark, volcanic mills! Yeah.
Look, Del, let's just have a rest, eh? We're safe enough.
Nobody could find us in here.
Look at me! Me hands are all bleeding, me clothes are torn, me arse is soaking wet! - And you're still whining! - Yes! It's all right for you! If I get piles, you can have half of 'em! Del Boy Shut up, Rodney! You're getting on my nerves! I want you to do something for me, Derek.
I want you to stand up and very slowly walk away.
What is this? "Simple Simon Says"? Very slowly walk away, Del.
We don't want to alarm it.
- Alarm what? - That thing behind us.
That thing? - That was a crocodile, Rodney! - No, it weren't.
I can recognise a crocodile.
I've seen enough Tarzan films! - That was an alligator.
- It's the same thing, innit? No, they look alike and they're from the same family, but biologically - Do they eat ya? - Yeah.
It's the same thing, then! Who the hell let it out?! No, they live here in the Everglades.
"They"? Do you mean to say there's more than one of 'em? Yeah, but don't panic! It's very rare to see them during the day.
They're a nocturnal animal.
Are you trying to tell me that come teatime, there'll be millions of the gits?! Yeah.
I just don't believe it! I've got to be honest with you, Rodney, I'm beginning to wish that I hadn't come on this holiday with you! Don't you blame me! I did not invite you, Derek, you invited yourself! (DRONING ENGINE) Listen to that! (RODNEY) It's a boat! We're saved! Get down, Rodney! It could be the Mafia! What would they be doing on a boat? Water-skiing (!) What do you think? Look, Marlene, an eagle! That's not an eagle, it's a heron! Well, it's a big bird, anyway! - Uncle Rodney! - Listen to him! Uncle Rodney (!) The imagination these kids have! Yes, right.
Let's take some photographs.
Marlene Just for a moment there, I thought I saw Gordon Bennett! It's Del and Rodney! Ooh-ooh! Del! - Boycie! - Get over here, quick! What are YOU doing here? I forgot to kiss you goodbye at Gatwick! Get that boat over here! Wayne, get over there! All right, Del? Triffic, sweetheart (!) - Come on, Rodders! Let's go! - You smell like a vegetarian's fart! - At least I haven't been burgled! - It's a joke! Now, let's get going! Right, Wayne.
Let's go! Rico, please consider your actions carefully before you do anything you might regret! OK, I'll consider it! (DEL) Duck! (BOYCIE) Why? - (GUNSHOT) - (DEL) That! (BOYCIE) Get a move on! Did you hear that, Curtis? Some jerk's out there loosing off lead! (BOYCIE) Everything was going well.
We were having a lovely holiday, then THEY turn up, and within 15 seconds, some sod's shooting at us! (MARLENE) You've done nothing but moan since we left Washington! (BOYCIE) Get that bloody boat in, for Gawd's sake! Rodney, hang about a minute.
Rodney, let's go home.
Del, our plane don't leave till tomorrow night.
I know, but we can sleep at the airport.
At least we'll be that much closer to dear old England! Give us a lift to the airport, Boycie! (WOMAN) Last night, coastguards from Biscayne Cove boarded a Colombian yacht and found 17 tonnes of cocaine.
Wanted drug baron Alberto Vasquez was taken to Miami Police Central for questioning by FBI agents.
The tip-off for the drug bust came when delivery details were left in a park ranger's office.
The big story today - in Miami Superior Court, Don Vincenzo Occhetti, head of the most powerful Mafia family in America, was found guilty of drug-running, kidnap, and three counts of conspiring to commit murder.
He was given six life sentences.
Ricardo Occhetti was arrested yesterday for illegal hunting in the Everglades National Park.
Police are looking for two Australians who may be able to assist them in this matter.
Welcome home, boys!
Well, they were absolute 42-carat diamonds.
We was drinking with them all night, never had to put our hands in our pockets, did we? What's the matter? What's happened? - What's the matter? - It's all gone! They've nicked it - our suitcases, flight bags, duty frees - the lot! I don't believe it! I do not believe it! I mean, we was only in there half an hour! Well, four hours.
What's gonna happen? How we gonna get home? - Now, Del, don't panic! - Eh? Listen, I took the passports and flight tickets in there with us.
Rodney, you are a saint, mate! You are a saint! Well done! Where's the money? - I left that in the van.
- You plonker, Rodney! You told me to! And you told me to leave the luggage in the back! Why didn't you use your initiative? I didn't even want to go in to that bloody club! All right! Calm down! Cor, stone me! I don't know How much money we got between us? - What's that? - 32 dollars, right? What can we get for 32 dollars? Mugged! Hey! You two guys still here? Let me guess - you decided to come back and have that one for the road with us! No, I wish we had, Rico.
No, we're thinking of going to the police.
- Why? You got a problem? - Yeah, we've been robbed.
- You're kidding! - No, I wish we was! They broke into the van and took everything! Oh, gee, that is too bad! God, I feel so embarrassed! You just arrive in this country and this happens? What a welcome! - It's just one of them things.
- What are you guys gonna do? I don't know.
We got no money, no clothes, no duty frees, we got nothing! We'll have to get the police to sort it out.
The cops'll do diddly squat! They don't know their ass from first base! But Salvatore here's a lawyer.
Maybe he could talk to some of his friends at the DA's office? Yeah, first thing in the morning.
Could you do that? That would be very nice of you.
- Wouldn't it, Rodders? - Yeah! In the meantime, you two guys are coming home with me.
- Is this your place, Rico? - It belongs to my family.
(DEL) Very nice! (OPERA MUSIC) What sort of business are you in, Rico? (RICO) We're in insurance and imports.
(DEL) Imports and exports? (RICO) No, just imports.
Well, this is it! - Welcome! - Thank you! (INTERCOM BUZZES) - Yo! - Rico, I want you up here fast! I'll be right up.
I'll show you to your guest suite.
Guest SUITE! We've fallen on our feet here, bruv! You see 'em? And I heard 'em! Why are you bringing Australians home? They're two English guys over here on vacation.
They're in the guest suite.
Why are you bringing limeys into my house?! I hate limeys! We met 'em at the club.
Wait a minute What are you doing, picking up guys in bars? Are you getting light on your feet? Is there too much air in your Nikes? These two bozos could be the answer to your prayers.
One of them is a dead ringer for you.
Even Francisco thought he was serving you.
Look, I saw them on the security monitor.
I saw no similarity whatsoever.
He's much taller than me.
He's a thinner guy altogether.
No, the other one.
The squirty little dude with the polecat face? Yeah.
I see, Salvatore.
Salvatore this is your lucky day, 'cause I'm in a good mood! I'm only gonna break ONE of your legs! And 'cause you're a member of the family I'm gonna do it slowly! Pop, it was dark outside.
You couldn't see him clearly! - Tell him, Sal! - It's true.
He looks just like you.
Last year I went to the zoo and I saw a camel.
It looked just like your mother, but I didn't invite it home and put it in the guest suite! So there's a guy who looks like me! What's the big deal? I'll tell you what the big deal is.
Imagine this guy dressed up in your clothes.
In MY clothes? Are you out of your mind?! We dress the limey up in your clothes and take him out to eat in a nice restaurant.
Now, while he's having lunch in full public view, - somebody blows him away! - This is something I do not advise! Everybody will think the other families have had you killed.
Don't you see what this means? What? Tell him, Sal.
In the eyes of America, there will be no more Don Occhetti.
No more Don Occhetti equals no more trial.
No more trial equals no more prison sentence.
You sneak off to Rio for a few years, long enough for your plastic surgery to heal, and come back as Uncle? - Carlo.
Carlo from New Jersey, and take over the family business! Rico sometimes during my life I have doubted that you were my child.
Sometimes I thought that the hospital had screwed up and given us the baby of a family from Pittsburgh.
But I take it all back - you are definitely my son! It's brilliant! It's wonderful! It also means one less limey in the world! Two.
His brother gets a one-way ticket also.
Have you had a butchers at the bog? It's solid marble! None of that stick-on gear from the old DIY! This is the real McCoy! Someone up there loves us! Sh! I'm up to channel 49! - How many channels are there? - That's what I'm researching.
Good boy.
I always said you should be a scientist! Look at this! It can't be bad, can it? Look at this! Don't let the limeys call home.
No one must know about this address.
Lurch is cutting all the phones except our business line.
As far as everyone in jolly old England is concerned, they've vanished off the face of the earth.
They can blame it on the Bermuda Triangle! - Or the Twilight Zone! - The Twilight Zone! We have struck gold here, bruv.
We'll have to show Rico our gratitude - get him a present or something.
Yeah, we'll do that.
Hey, we've got no money! Never mind, I'll nip him for a few quid! Blimey! We'd better phone in to HQ! Raquel will be going spare! Oh, the line's dead! Well, do that.
Why? That's what they do in American films! Oh, yes! No, it's still dead.
(KNOCK AT DOOR) There you go, Derek.
These are my uncle's clothes.
He's about the same size as you.
Yes, well, thanks! Very nice! Rico, I don't want to be a pain, but Rodney's got nothing to wear.
No problem.
A guy who works here is Rodney's build.
He'll lend you some clothes.
(RICO) Lurch! - Lurch? Saucy bark! - Don't be so ungrateful! Tell Gino to bring up some of his clothes.
Piece of cake, Rod! By the way, the old dog's knackered.
- What? - The phone's not working.
Oh, the telephone.
A couple of days ago, we had a tropical storm.
The whole area's out.
Don't worry, it will be back soon.
Get some sleep, because tomorrow we go to my favourite restaurant.
- A day on the town! - Lovely jubbly! It's a nice little Italian joint.
The food is out of this world.
Believe me, Del, this place will kill you! By the way, wear this suit and the chains.
It will make you look real business-like.
Ooh! Yes! Of course, this is very me, this, Rico.
Of course, back home in England, I'm a yuppy, ain't I, Rodney? Yeah.
That's cool.
Well, nighty-night.
(DEL) Nighty-night.
(ROD) Night.
He is such a nice bloke! They broke the mould when they made him! Yeah Look, Del, don't think I'm getting paranoid or nothing, but did you notice them really tough couple of blokes by the gate? Yeah.
- There was one downstairs an' all.
- Yeah.
So what? Well, it's most probably ridiculous You don't think that Rico might be? What? - A noofter.
- A noofter? Him?! No! He's Italian, ain't he? You can't have an Italian noofter.
It's a well-known medical fact! But they're all blokes! That's because he's a man's man, ain't he? I'll tell you what else he is, Rodney.
He's a little gold nugget! Yeah, that's what he is, Rodney! A little gold nugget! In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, - bless you - Reverend? Amen.
Raquel, I'm glad I met you.
I was going to phone Derek as soon as the lorry had gone.
- Del? Del's in Miami.
- Miami? Oh, dear.
Excuse me for asking, but why are you blessing a Romanian lorry? I'm blessing the contents.
Didn't Derek tell you? No Has this got something to do with Derek? Yes, he did a time and motion study of the blessing of the wine and had the idea of doing it en masse.
Then I distribute it to churches throughout England.
Oh, hell! - Sorry! - It's been a real money saver, especially as Del sells it to us so cheap.
There's just one major problem.
It's turned out to be Romanian Riesling.
Romanian Riesling? Yes.
White wine.
The communion wine is red.
- It represents the blood of Christ.
Exactly! Churches are returning their cases daily! You may be getting a call from the Archbishop of Canterbury's office.
- Oh, God! - That's what I keep saying! We got some action.
Give me that camera.
- Is it Occhetti? - No, his son and one of the gorillas.
Wait a minute What do you reckon, then, Rico? It fits like a dream, don't it? Perfect, Del, just perfect.
There's a bloke over there with a camera.
Oh, yeah! All right, pal? Who's that, then, Rico? Who knows? Tourists, maybe.
I'm starved.
Let's eat! Yeah, and me.
Lovely jubbly! (MOUTHS) - 29-30.
- (RADIO) 29-30 Q-S-K.
Occhetti and the boys have stopped for lunch at Carlotti's restaurant.
(RADIO) One-three-two-five.
Miami Q-S-L.
Don Occhetti.
- Doner-ketti to you, too! - Doner-ketti! I am so happy you have honoured me with your presence here today.
On behalf of my family and myself, I thank you deeply! That's all right.
Puskas, puskas! I will prepare for you a table.
Would you like a drink at the bar? Yes, thank you very much, signor.
I've got a diabolical thirst! Excuse me.
Is everything to your satisfaction, signore? Lovely! Blinding dumplings! Signore? Yeah, it's a lovely-looking cork, innit? You're supposed to test the bouquet.
Oh! Thank you.
Oh, yes! Lovely jubbly! - Pour on, Macduff! - Grazie, signore.
- Excuse me, Del, I gotta go to the john.
- Oh, right.
Do one for me, son, will ya? I've got to go check the plumbing as well.
I've gotta go, too.
And me.
Hope it ain't catching! Must have been them enchilados they had last night! - Cheers, bruv! - Cheers, Del.
Any time now.
- How ya doing? - Fine, thank you.
Fine.
- We're just talking.
- Sorry to interrupt.
Oh, you're not interrupting.
Well, hurry up! Just do it! Don't pick it up with your spoon! Use a fork! Don't be stupid, Rodney! It would roll off a fork, wouldn't it? As I was saying, I've always had this gift.
Wherever I go in the world, people always take to me! You ain't been nowhere! Fair enough, I ain't been nowhere, but wherever I have been, people have taken to me.
I mean, take this holiday.
All right, the first night we arrived, we was ripped off, we lost everything, but then I bumped into young Rico and he took to me.
I don't know what it is.
People always like me and I don't know why! It's got me bewildered an' all (!) Rodney! (THUD!) I was saving this dumpling till last an' all! Blimey! I don't know! What's the matter? It hardly touched the ground! Anyway, the floor was clean! Honestly! You and your hygiene! - Del Boy - What? Somebody just shot you.
Shot me? Don't worry, Rodders, I'm feeling much better now.
- Del, look! - What's wrong with you? (GLASS SMASHES, WOMAN SCREAMS) Bingo! Gee, I hope that wasn't my dessert! How can you joke at a time like this? His father's just been shot! Shut up, Lurch.
Oh, my God! Somebody call an ambulance! Is he dead? No, but it was bloody close, Rico! A bullet come out of nowhere! If he knew how to use a knife and fork, he'd be a goner! That's true.
Absolutely! I was just sitting there, eating me dumplings, and then a bullet hits the back of me chair! - You don't need it, son! - No you certainly do not! (PHONE RINGS) - Shall I get it? - Please.
If it's anyone from the Church of England, tell them I'm out.
Trotters Independent Traders, plc.
Yeah, it's me! Where are ya? - Is it Del? - No.
Cassandra.
I'm at my hotel in Eastbourne.
- Have you heard from them yet? - No, not yet, love.
I'm so worried! We don't even know where they're staying.
Yes, we do.
Raquel phoned the travel agent.
They hired a camper.
A camper? They could be anywhere! - No, they found the camper.
- Thank God! Where? It was abandoned in a car park.
Everything was gone - luggage, passports, money, everything.
- Oh, God! - Give me the phone! You'll worry her to death, you morbid old goat! Hello, it's me.
- Do you think Rodney's been hurt? - Of course not! Del's with him.
You don't think he's been arrested, do you? Oh, no! Del's with him! There's bound to be a reason for Rodney not calling.
- Like what? - Well Del's with him! Here you are, chaps! - Well done! Is this mine? - Yeah.
The bloke who owns the bar says he offers his deepest respect and his loyalty is beyond question.
- That's very nice! Have I met him? - No.
People keep offering me their deepest respect and kissing me hand! They're nice people, Del - hospitable, salt of the earth.
They certainly seem that way, Rico.
Derek, you ever had a go on one of those? - Have I had a go on one of those? - 'Course you ain't! Would you like to try? It's no sweat.
I know the owner.
What, me have a go on one of those things? No, way, Pedro! Come on, Del.
There's a first time for everything! "No way, Pedro"? You won't catch me on one of them things! And I was always led to believe that you Brits were a seafaring race (!) We are! We gave you the world's greatest sailors, pal! We gave you Nelson, we gave you Drake, we gave you Columbus.
(RICO LAUGHS) But you're afraid of a few itsy-bitsy waves? (LAUGHTER) No, I'm not afraid, Rico.
I've got no reason to be afraid, because I've got a 100-yards swimming certificate back at home.
- Ain't I, Rodders? - Yeah, he has.
All right, let's have a go.
- Are you sure about this? - He who dares, Rodney! We don't want them thinking that us Brits are chicken, do we? We certainly do not! This one looks all right, don't it? No, Del, this is the one.
Yeah, of course.
That one is better.
Don't be shy.
Straddle your weight evenly.
This is your start button.
This is the throttle.
Just remember, the faster you go, the easier it is to stay up.
Way to go, fella! Yeah, cushty! Here we go! Look at that baby go! Lovely, yes! Lovely jubbly! I think that's far enough now! - Did he say something? - I didn't hear a thing.
Rico! The steering wheel's stuck! The steering wheel is stuck! Now the throttle's stuck! Rico! I've got an iffy throttle! He's going a long way out! - Yeah, but he's enjoying himself.
- I know.
I'm just saying he's going a long way out.
Where are the brakes on this bloody thing?! Gordon Bennett! What a guy, huh? - Yeah, he's certainly surprised me.
- Why's that? Well, he can't even swim! He said he had a certificate for swimming! He has, but it ain't his.
Help! Help! (PILOT) We've begun our descent into Miami, We'll soon be in Miami.
Let's hope it's better than Washington! I liked Washington.
Not much of a beach though, was there? We've been all down the east coast of America - and you've done nothing but moan! - I didn't moan in Atlantic City.
You was too busy gambling in the casinos! - That's funny! - What is? There's a bloke on one of them ski-jets.
- So what? - We're 25 miles off the coast! He must know what he's doing.
(RICO) I'm calling to say that our meeting can go ahead as scheduled.
Right, I forgot.
You don't speak English.
Your meeting with my father can go ahead as planned.
Planned.
Si Gracias.
I look forward to meeting you.
Lovely jubbly! "Lovely jubbly!" Hi.
How are you doing? Fine.
I just thought that might be news of Del.
No.
I'll let you know if I hear anything.
You're not worried, are you? No! It's just that he left the beach at 11.
00 this morning and it's now 8.
30 at night.
Your brother's one hell of a fun guy! But can you have fun on a jet-ski for nine and a half hours? Del can! I bet he's in a nightclub in Key West with some senorita.
He's wearing swimming trunks.
- They all do on Key West! - Oh, it's like that, is it? I see the phones are working again.
- No.
- I thought I saw you - It's a private line for business.
- Oh, I see.
How come that one's working when all the others in the area are out? Search me.
Could I use that phone for a minute? No.
I'm expecting a very important business call.
Right.
I just wanted to phone home and tell 'em where we were in case they was worried.
They don't need to worry, Rod.
You're with us.
Yeah, I suppose you're right.
Well, I'll be in me room.
If you hear anything You'll be the first to know.
Goodnight.
Lurch is bringing the car round the front.
The tall one's starting to ask questions.
Looks like tomorrow we take him for a drive and put him out of his misery.
One down, one to go! (DOORBELL CHIMES) Good evening, sir.
Officer, is there any news of my father? Yes, sir, and I'm afraid it's bad news.
Oh, God! Good God, no! We fished him out three hours ago.
He's dead? No, he's alive and well.
- What? - That's what I mean by bad news.
See, we know what the plan was, Rico.
Daddy doesn't cherish spending the rest of his life in the pen, so he takes a jet-ski to a friendly yacht and sails off into the sunset.
It couldn't work, Rico, for two reasons.
One - we're watching his every move.
We saw him leave, then the coastguard had him on radar.
Two - he ran out of gas 35 miles off Cuba.
Am I glad to be back, Rico! It was horrible out there! I thought I was a goner! I don't know what would have happened to me if that police helicopter hadn't found me! Why don't you go in the kitchen and get yourself something to eat? Thanks.
I could murder a pina colada! Something's happened to his voice - he sounds Australian.
We think it might be salt on the vocal chords.
Oh, rest assured, officer, I got something for his throat! Goodnight! You limey turkey! What have I got to do to get rid of you? How much do I owe you? They're with Mickey Pearce on the last round.
- You're joking! - No, I'm not! - You're worrying about nothing! - They've been gone five days and we haven't heard from them, and you call that "nothing"? I bet there's a simple explanation for it.
Maybe Dave's gone down to Brazil to have a look at the forest.
You can't get more simple than that! I mean, just look at that telly, Sid.
It's all bad news.
You're right.
Nothing but bad news.
- It's all tragedies and disasters.
- Yeah, it's all gloom and doom.
I shouldn't have it on during happy hour really.
Funny about Del and Rodney, innit? - They'll turn up sooner or later.
- Yeah.
I just hope the police catch whoever did it.
I must be off.
Cheers, Mike.
Cheers, mate.
Stay lucky! - Have you heard from Cassandra? - Yes, she's as worried as you are.
There's nothing to worry about! A few years back, my brother went to Portugal and didn't contact us for three months.
His wife rang Interpol, my mum was going mad, - but he turned up safe and sound.
- Where had he been? Shacked up with some German tart.
- Shut up, there's a good boy! - All right, so he was out of order, but at least he weren't injured! Which is more than people will say about you if you don't shut it! I've known Del a lot longer than you, and he can be a bit forgetful, especially if he's enjoying himself.
He's probably having the time of his life I'm not saying the right things, am I? - No, you're not.
- Mickey's more comforting than you! Here, Raquel! Look! Hang on.
I'll turn the sound up.
(TV) The Miami DA's office call this man "Public Enemy Number One".
His web of vice and corruption has spread across America, and he's said to be the most dangerous criminal since Al Capone.
There's Del and Dave! "Public enemy number one"? But he only left Tuesday! - What's happening? - The Colombians have landed.
They'll be here any minute.
I want everyone down here to greet 'em.
We need a show of strength - let 'em know they're not dealing with the Boy Scouts! - No problem.
- Hey Where are the limeys? Don't worry, I've taken care of them.
They're busy.
Whack it back to me, for Gawd's sake! I'm trying to whack it back! I'm no good at tennis! No, really (?) Anyway, what's the score? I'm six sets up, aren't I? No, you are not! You're about two games up and it's my serve.
- No, it's my serve.
- You served during the last game! I know, and I won, so it's my serve again.
No, it don't Oh, I've had enough of this! I'm going in! Oh, just 'cause you're losing! (GROANS WITH EFFORT) You there, Rico? Lurch? Tony? Is anybody about? (BURPS) Mrs Trotter! Mrs Trotter! - Cass? It's me, Rodney.
- Where are you? - Are you all right? - Steady on! Listen, we're both fine, right? Come on, one of you jerks! Hurry up and answer the phone! (INTERCOM BUZZES) Hello? Battersea Dog's Home.
Woof! Ow-woo! I've been so worried about you! - Have ya? - Yes! They let me off the interview on compassionate grounds.
So you could have come with me! Not without the help of a fortune teller.
- I didn't know you'd go missing! - I suppose not.
Rodney, where are you? You're not in our room! I wish you could have come.
They're such nice people.
Well, if you hadn't booked that week, - I would have been with you.
- Del booked the tickets.
Del? No, he couldn't.
He knew I was in Eastbourne that week.
I suppose he thought What do you mean, he knew? I told him about it over lunch, so why did he book that week? Isn't it obvious why? So he could get a free bloody holiday! Rodney! Come on! Come out, come out, wherever you are! Rodney! (DEL) Are you there, Roddy Woddy? Oh, yes, this is very nice! This is a bit of me, this is, 'cause I'm a Byzantine sort of bloke! (DEL) Where are you hiding, you little scallywag? You git! You rotten, conniving git! You are the most selfish bastard I've ever come across! Do you know who I've just been talking to? Cassandra! Hah! That's shaken you, ain't it? You knew all along she wouldn't be able to make this trip, didn't you? You knew she had to go to Eastbourne but you didn't tell me, did you? You kept that well quiet so you could come on this bloody holiday! And where did you get that stupid tracksuit from? I don't want to hear none of your excuses! Do not talk to me, all right? Git! You ain't sleeping in here! Rico will have to find somewhere else for you! - What's up with you, soppy? - You know full well! You knew Cassandra couldn't come on this trip, because she told you! Ah now you come to mention it, - she DID say something.
- But you planned it! You booked it just so you could come away with me on this holiday! Now, listen.
Please, calm down a minute, will ya? I'll try and explain everything to you.
See, the thing is that That wine deal of mine has gone right up the pictures! I had a phone call from Bucharest.
The first lorryload they delivered was white wine! I just didn't know what to do, and you know me, don't ya? There's only two things in the world that worry me, and that is doctors and, you know gods.
I was frightened of being cursed! So I thought, "If I come over here to Miami, He won't find me.
" That's the only reason I did it, honest! I wanted to lay low for a spell.
Yeah, on my pension money! Del, you are the most horrible, dirty little How did you get in here? What do you mean, how did I get in here? - How did you get in this room? - Well, I came through that door, it's a blinding invention (!) I locked that door and the only How did you get changed so quickly? I haven't got changed! I've been in this all morning! I don't understand this.
I was just talking to you outside.
You couldn't have done, 'cause I've been in the khazi en suite! I just had a row with you on the landing! You were wearing a pink and green tracksuit! A pink and green track? Rodney, I want you to tell me the truth.
I won't be angry.
Have you taken anything? Have you smoked one of them Jamaican Woodbines? The only thing I've taken is a load of cobblers from you! Now, I was talking to you on that landing or Or what? Or someone who looks like you.
Someone who looks like me? You mean like a double? - Yeah.
- Oh, dear.
(DEL TUTS) You know what this means, don't you? It means that you're a bigger plonker than I thought you were! Have a look for yourself! He's out there! I will if it will shut you up, you little dipstick! I don't know what the world is coming to! I'm a prisoner in my own home, and all because of those goddamn sorry-assed limeys! Boo! Look, dippy! That's who it was! Your reflection! How can I have a row with a bloody reflection? I've often had a barney with myself when I've come home from a party! (OPERA ON HEADPHONES) I'm closing your account, you lime-sucking bozos! What do you want to do? Go and check it out? I'll keep a look-out.
So you want to keep a look-out, and you want me check the room, right? - Yeah.
- Oh, cushty (!) Do it yourself, Del! Go on, then! I hate limeys! I hate limeys! I hate limeys! I hate 'em! I hate 'em! (SMASHING GLASS) Senor Vasquez, my father has been looking forward to meeting you.
So it is with me, too.
Del! Somebody's coming! They're trying to kill me! Fromage frais! (APPROACHING VOICES) - (RICO) You had a good flight? - Oh, my Gawd! The Colombians are here.
This is Senor Vasquez, and his associate, Senor Herrera.
I'll be next door if you need me.
Gentlemen.
Don Occhetti, I am honoured to meet you, sir! Forgive me.
My English, no good! Bonnetti.
Bonnetti.
Bonnetti! Bonnetti! - We bring the final formation - IN-formation! information concerning our business transaction.
Business Cushty! You will read, please? What? What is this exactly? - It is the firmation - CON-firmation.
confirmation regarding delivery of merchandise.
Smashing! Smashing! What sort of merchandise, is it, then? Senor, it is the finest, the purest, the very best cocaine.
Coc? Coc? C-C-C-Cocaine? (MOUTHS) It is on a yacht anchored off shore.
We wait We await your instructions.
Don Occhetti, where delivery of merchandise in the boat? - Where? Where? - Boat delivery, yeah I'll tell you what, why don't you deliver it tonight, midnight in Do you know Biscayne Bay? Deliver the merchandise to Biscayne Bay.
Biscayne Bay.
- Bees gayne - Cayne.
Cayne.
- Cayne - Bay.
- Bay.
- Bay Bay.
Biscayne Bay.
Is it safe? Safe? Yes, the cocaine will be safe all right.
Someone there to meet us? Ooh, don't worry, there'll be someone there to meet you, yeah.
Good! Good! (VASQUEZ) It is good to do business with you.
It is very good! (RUNNING WATER) Room, who? Who? Whom? Whom? - Whom room? - Whom room? Um Whom is in there? That is the bathroom and that's my girlfriend in there! - What does he mean? - Don Occhetti's senorita.
Oh, yes! Hey, senorita! (GROWLING BURP FROM BATHROOM) Yes, yes The senorita had a double helping of chilli con carne last night.
I told her not to but you know what they're like! Cor, look at the time! I think that concludes our business, gentlemen.
All right, then Thank you very much.
- Adios.
- A-ge-dos.
- We will peaking soon.
- We will peaking soon.
Bonnetti! Bonnetti! Bonnetti! Bonnetti! Didn't you hear me knocking? Rico brought two blokes up to that room! Rodney, we are in deep, deep shtook! - This is Mafia country! - Mafia? Yes! Sh! Come over here.
- Sit down there.
- Just listen to me.
You know Rico, Salvatore and them other guys? They're all Mafioso! Remember you said you thought you saw a bloke what looked like me? Well, there IS one! He's got a room down there! His name's Don Occhetti and he is the boss.
I'm telling you, Rodney, this is Marlon Brambo time! Yes! I just read a newspaper down there.
It's all about him! This Don, he's up for trial.
It looks like he's well in the frame, and he's gonna spend the rest of his life in the nick! - What for? - Drug-running, kidnapping, and three - you count 'em - three murders! That is what all this has been about, Rodney, don't you understand? They've been trying to kill ME! Think about it - that accidental stray bullet that whacked the chair, the iffy ski-boat ride, eh? Don't you see? If I go for a burton, this Donald-whatever-his-name-is won't stand trial and he goes free! Aren't you just letting your imagination run away with you? I wish I was, Rodney, I wish I was! Look at that, pal.
Go on! I've been down there and just had a little tete-a-tete with two Colombian drug barons! Bloody hell, Del! He's a Mafia boss! That's what I've been trying to tell ya.
Look at it! - Oh, cosmic! - Hmm? Cos-bloody-mic! I just roughed him up! I have just roughed up a Mafia boss! I called him a git! - I called a Mafia boss - Pull yourself together! a git! These are not the sort of people you wanna spend your holidays with! Rico can forget that present we was gonna buy him! - Let's get outta here! - How? - They're all downstairs! - We'll go out the window! Quick before I wake up with a bloody horse's head on me pillow! You first! Go on! Look at this! - Mucho very much! - Hasta la vista! Yeah.
Send Rico up to me.
Tell him I want to talk to him.
There's something sharp up there! How the hell did this happen? I don't know, Pop.
The last time I saw it, it was fine.
Leave it.
I'll get Lurch to do it.
- OK.
- Well, the Colombians seem happy.
Well, maybe they won't be so happy after we've had our meeting.
- Show 'em up, Rico.
- Show 'em up? - They just left! - Left? What the hell did they come all this way for and then leave without talking to me?! But I brought them in and How did you get changed so quickly? I've worn it all morning.
I've been working out.
Oh, God! The limey! I'm in court tomorrow morning! Rico! - Do something, you stupid jerk! - Don't worry, we'll get 'em back.
Are you enjoying the ride, boys? Oh, yes, lovely, Miss Daisy! - I don't believe this! - This is supposed to be a getaway! At this rate, we'll be done for kerb crawling! - This is about as far as I go.
- Well, thanks for the lift.
Have a nice trip back to Australia! - We're not Aussies, we're English! - Leave it.
She's old! - (RICO) Sure it was them? - Who else is running around here dressed like Jimmy Connors? Raquel, where have you been? I've been to Royal Ascot (!) - Where do you think I've been? - Cassandra phoned.
- She's spoken with Rodney.
- Well, where are they? They're in a millionaire's mansion.
A tropical storm knocked the phones out so they couldn't call.
- When are they coming home? - They fly home tomorrow.
You can stop worrying.
They're both safe and sound! Come on, Rodney! Where's your stamina? Bloody hell! Help me out of here, Rodney! - Come here! - I can't! Come on! Gordon Bennett! What is that stuff anyway? I think it's water hyacinth.
I read about it in my Greenpeace magazine.
Why's it floating on the water? That's what it does.
It grows on the water.
We must be in the Everglades.
Everglades? It looks more like a swamp to me! Well, it is a swa Don't matter.
Rodney, just get me home, will ya? Back to England's pleasant land and those dark, volcanic mills! Yeah.
Look, Del, let's just have a rest, eh? We're safe enough.
Nobody could find us in here.
Look at me! Me hands are all bleeding, me clothes are torn, me arse is soaking wet! - And you're still whining! - Yes! It's all right for you! If I get piles, you can have half of 'em! Del Boy Shut up, Rodney! You're getting on my nerves! I want you to do something for me, Derek.
I want you to stand up and very slowly walk away.
What is this? "Simple Simon Says"? Very slowly walk away, Del.
We don't want to alarm it.
- Alarm what? - That thing behind us.
That thing? - That was a crocodile, Rodney! - No, it weren't.
I can recognise a crocodile.
I've seen enough Tarzan films! - That was an alligator.
- It's the same thing, innit? No, they look alike and they're from the same family, but biologically - Do they eat ya? - Yeah.
It's the same thing, then! Who the hell let it out?! No, they live here in the Everglades.
"They"? Do you mean to say there's more than one of 'em? Yeah, but don't panic! It's very rare to see them during the day.
They're a nocturnal animal.
Are you trying to tell me that come teatime, there'll be millions of the gits?! Yeah.
I just don't believe it! I've got to be honest with you, Rodney, I'm beginning to wish that I hadn't come on this holiday with you! Don't you blame me! I did not invite you, Derek, you invited yourself! (DRONING ENGINE) Listen to that! (RODNEY) It's a boat! We're saved! Get down, Rodney! It could be the Mafia! What would they be doing on a boat? Water-skiing (!) What do you think? Look, Marlene, an eagle! That's not an eagle, it's a heron! Well, it's a big bird, anyway! - Uncle Rodney! - Listen to him! Uncle Rodney (!) The imagination these kids have! Yes, right.
Let's take some photographs.
Marlene Just for a moment there, I thought I saw Gordon Bennett! It's Del and Rodney! Ooh-ooh! Del! - Boycie! - Get over here, quick! What are YOU doing here? I forgot to kiss you goodbye at Gatwick! Get that boat over here! Wayne, get over there! All right, Del? Triffic, sweetheart (!) - Come on, Rodders! Let's go! - You smell like a vegetarian's fart! - At least I haven't been burgled! - It's a joke! Now, let's get going! Right, Wayne.
Let's go! Rico, please consider your actions carefully before you do anything you might regret! OK, I'll consider it! (DEL) Duck! (BOYCIE) Why? - (GUNSHOT) - (DEL) That! (BOYCIE) Get a move on! Did you hear that, Curtis? Some jerk's out there loosing off lead! (BOYCIE) Everything was going well.
We were having a lovely holiday, then THEY turn up, and within 15 seconds, some sod's shooting at us! (MARLENE) You've done nothing but moan since we left Washington! (BOYCIE) Get that bloody boat in, for Gawd's sake! Rodney, hang about a minute.
Rodney, let's go home.
Del, our plane don't leave till tomorrow night.
I know, but we can sleep at the airport.
At least we'll be that much closer to dear old England! Give us a lift to the airport, Boycie! (WOMAN) Last night, coastguards from Biscayne Cove boarded a Colombian yacht and found 17 tonnes of cocaine.
Wanted drug baron Alberto Vasquez was taken to Miami Police Central for questioning by FBI agents.
The tip-off for the drug bust came when delivery details were left in a park ranger's office.
The big story today - in Miami Superior Court, Don Vincenzo Occhetti, head of the most powerful Mafia family in America, was found guilty of drug-running, kidnap, and three counts of conspiring to commit murder.
He was given six life sentences.
Ricardo Occhetti was arrested yesterday for illegal hunting in the Everglades National Park.
Police are looking for two Australians who may be able to assist them in this matter.
Welcome home, boys!