The Simpsons Episode Scripts

5F13 - This Little Wiggy

[Chorus Singing] [Bell Ringing] [Whistle Blowing] [Beeping] [Jazzy Solo] [Beeping] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] Now, whose calculator can tell me what seven times eight is? Oh! Oh! Oh! Low battery? [Groans] Whatever.
Attention, children.
Uh, over here.
Oh, for the love of-The doorway.
- Oh! - We have a very special visitor today.
But he's no ordinary visitor.
In fact, uh, you might say- - He's a robot.
We saw him on the way in.
- Thank you, Bart.
All right.
Come in.
They know.
Kids, this is Robby the Automaton.
Greetings, Earth children.
- Where are you from? - Earth.
Anyway, have you ever wondered what it feels like to touch a star? - [Screams] - Cool! Or which of the Three Stooges had the heaviest brain? Hmm.
Larry: 3.
2 kilograms.
- Fascinating! - Ah.
The answers to these and similar questions can be found at the Springfield Knowledgeum a hands-on learning environment opening this Saturday.
- No, kid! Don't! - [Grunts] - [Screams] - Command link severed.
Default setting.
Crush.
Kill.
Destroy.
[Gasping] D- Don't! Children, help! He's killing me! [Cheering] What a whimsical building.
- Who says science can't be fun? - Me.
I smell a museum.
Yeah, good things don't end with "eum.
" They end with "mania" or "teria.
" Will there be beer? [On Speakers] Welcome to the Knowledgeum.
I'm Troy McClure.
You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders your car will, unfortunately, be subject to repeated break-ins- What'd he say? What about my car? [All] Wow! [Shouting, Grunting] [Shouting] It says the ceiling was donated by the Velcro company.
[Gasping] And the floor was donated by American SuperBall.
Hey, I'm gonna go toss the Virtual Salad.
I want to read the Giant Book.
I'm gonna try the Sex Education Computer.
[Gasps] Come on, Maggie.
Let's try and find the Enormous Pendulum.
Whoa! Wait there! [Clears Throat] The section now illuminated is the floating point unit one of my personal favorite units.
- Oh, I see! - [Exclaiming] Oh.
Well.
[Chuckles] - How do you get this thing to play blackjack? - Stop that.
You're hurting it.
- So how's it supposed to work? - Well- - Boring! Am I on the Internet? - No, you can only access the- Boring! What's that fire for? - The hard drive is crashing at an alarming speed! - No more pictures! [Grunting] Ovulate, damn you.
Ovulate! [Womars Voice] You are out of sperm.
[Whimpers] Hey, baby.
Remember me? Whoa! This whole planet is like one big skate park! Look out, Ralph! [Screams, Grunts] I found a moon rock in my nose.
[Imitates Static] Houston, we have a booger.
Hey, loser, this planet's for space studs.
Yeah, blast off.
I know you.
My daddy took your beer.
Whoa! The baby can talk.
I am not a baby.
- Tell it to The Ear, baby.
- [Muffled Talking] [Chuckling] Good one, guys.
- Simpson, go kiss the Virtual Ass.
- Yes, sir.
[Whimpers, Grunts] - You poor little boy! - Ah, no.
He'll be fine.
He's always gettir himself stuffed into this or that.
[Yipping, Roaring] - Is that normal? - Yeah, he's just playing Wiggle Puppy.
That's a dog he made up who flies by waggir his tail.
I tell you, that dog has had some amazing adventures.
Well, Ralph certainly has a lot of imagination.
Ah, yeah, the kid's incredible.
I mean, the special schools are all over him.
Maybe he needs some real friends.
Sure, we'd all love some real friends, Marge but what are the odds of that happening? - [Panting] - Hello, Ralph.
When I was little, I used to play by myself too.
Your hair is tall and pretty.
Well, thank you, Ralph.
You're such a fine, young gentleman.
Help! She's touching my special area! Then me and my friend were about to press it, but the man said not to press it.
But we pressed it anyway! And we ran and we hid in the Giant Tire.
- Oh, yeah.
And my other friend was already there.
- All right.
All right now.
You're overstimulated.
Let's get some beer in you, and then it's right to bed.
Whoo-hoo! Beer, beer, beer! Bed, bed, bed! Firecrackers, stink bombs, maps to teachers' homes.
- You know who's nice? - No.
Who? That Ralph Wiggum boy.
He's a real winner.
- You would know.
- Bart, you don't have to go anywhere today.
- I've got a surprise for you.
- What? - I scheduled a playdate.
- [Doorbell Rings] A what? With who? - [Gasps] - Hi, Bart.
We're gonna be friends.
I have a finger trap.
Whoa.
Get him off.
Get him off! Fighting only makes it tighter.
[Grunting] You want me to hang out with Ralph Wiggum? - Not hang out.
Playdate! - Stop saying that! Now, why don't you show off your new friend around the neighborhood? You two make an adorable pair.
Someone will be right with you.
Mom, school has changed a lot since you were a kid.
Popularity is very important now.
- But- - Don't talk.
Listen.
The social order of elementary school is densely layered.
- The coolest kids are at the top- - Oh, you mean the "A" students? Mom, I don't want to play with Ralph.
He's just a misunderstood little boy who needs a friend.
And if he hangs around with you well, everyone will think he's cool.
Well, I don't know about that.
- Might help him a little.
- Okay! Great! - You kids have fun.
- Hey, wait! I didn't agree to- [Humming] - [Humming Continues] - Mom, I am not- I can't hear you! [Humming] Your toys are fun to touch.
Mine are all sticky.
Ralph, I just got through sorting those.
I dropped my "Popsticle" in your toy chest.
- Ralph, would you just- - Look! A rocket ship! That's not a toy! Hey! Do you know how to play hide-and-seek? [Gasps] Shh! I been here two hours, and Bart still hasn't finded me.
These syrup stains are the worst.
Bart, it's too nice a day to leave Ralph in a closet.
You boys should go play outside.
But people will see me paired up with a doofus.
You have no idea what that's like.
- Uh-oh.
- I'm going.
Slow down, Bart.
My legs don't know how to be as long as yours.
Well, that is your problem, Ralph.
This is how I always walk.
- [Shouting] - All right! - Whoa! - Check this out! - Yeah! - All right! Videotaping this crime spree is the best idea we ever had! - Quick, Ralph.
In the bushes.
- [Grunts] Whoo! - Hi, guys.
Hot enough for you? - Shut up.
[Shouting] [Sighs] That was too close.
We gotta stay off the streets.
Bushes are nice 'cause they don't have prickers.
Unless they do.
This one did.
Ouch.
This is my swing set.
This is my sandbox.
I'm not allowed to go in the deep end.
That's where I saw the leprechaun.
Right.
A leprechaun.
He told me to burn things.
Uh-huh.
- Wanna play stuffed animal parade? - Maybe later.
Come on, Ralph.
Your dad's a cop.
There must be some cool stuff around here- bullets, dead body photos, what have you.
He keeps that stuff in his closet, but he says I'm not allowed in there.
- Did he say I'm not allowed in there? - Yes.
Well, I'm goir in anyway.
[Grunts] Oh, Lord, I thank you for this bounty I'm about to receive.
Hmm.
[Shuddering] Huh! Wow! Dad's been in jail six times! Aw, Mom's only been in twice.
- [Door Opens] - [Wiggum] Hello! Sarah! Ralphie! - It's me, Chief Wiggum! - Oh.
We better hide.
- [Grunting] - [Gasping] Quick! In here! [Sighs] Oh! Man, we have got to get an escalator.
[Gasps] A 341 in my own bedroom.
All right, crookie.
Let's dance.
[Grunts] Oh! God, my back! Oh! Officer down! Officer down! - [Grunting] - Hi, Daddy.
Oh, oh.
It's just you.
Well, help Daddy up.
[Grunts] You know you're not supposed to go in there.
What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery? Sorry, Chief.
Um, we were just playing.
Ralphie, you got a friend? Hey, that's fantastic! Here, here.
Have some riot gear.
It's on the house.
[Both Grunting] [Laughing] Ah, that takes me back to the '60s.
What's that weird key for? That's Daddy's magic key.
It opens every door in town.
The police master key? Oh, Ralph.
Do you realize what we can do with- [Smacking, Gulping] Get me a towel.
"Hi.
This is Jerry Maguire.
Show me the message.
Show me the message!" No, that stinks.
Let me try one.
"This is Geraldine, and the devil made me miss your call "so here come the beep.
Here come the beep!" [Chuckling] "Do the message!" [Humming] So long.
I'm gonna sleep over at Ralph's.
Oh! See, I knew you'd find something you liked about him.
Oh, I found something, all right.
[Moans] [Humming Continues] - After the beep.
- [Beeps] Uh, Ralph's a little afraid of the dark, Bart.
- Is it okay to sleep with a night-light? - Absolutely.
Good night, guys.
- I'm scared.
- Ow! [Man On TV] We now return to The Return of the Pink Panther Returns starring Ken Wahl as Inspector Clouseau.
[Snores] Ow.
- Ow.
- [Ralph Whimpers] [Snoring] Ooh.
Son of a- [Snoring] The world is our toy store.
Toy store, toy store, toy store! Whee! Oh, to be eight again.
Whee! - Whoa! Whoa! - Whee! Whee! [Laughing] Whoa! [Grunts] Ah, I can't believe we ate a whole wedding cake.
And an entire pan of funeral fudge.
[Gasps] Check it out, guys.
It's dork and dorker.
What you doir there, Simpson, babysittir? We're on a playdate.
- [Laughing] - Isn't that adorable? Ah, the girls are on a playdate! Uh- I'll take it from here, Ralph.
Um, we're just hangir, chillir, little bit of illir.
I don't get you, Simpson.
Sometimes you seem kind of righteous, but then we see you fraternizing with lameoids.
Which makes you a lame wad! Oh, yeah? Would a lame wad have the police master key? - Whoa! Useful, dude! - Very handy! Hey, maybe you are cool enough to hang out with us.
Really? You think so? I don't know what to say.
This is all happening so fast.
Let's use this thing to rob the school.
Let's go to the zoo and tease the dingo.
Let's use it to key some cars.
Those are all moderately cool ideas but if you really want to walk on the wild side I know just the place.
Here she is- the big house.
The stony lonesome.
The thug jug.
The mobster trap.
- Penn State.
The old crook- - Shut up! Let's just open the gate.
- [Dog Howling] - I'm scared, Bart.
I wanna go home.
Come on, Ralph.
Don't embarrass me.
It's just an abandoned prison.
All the murderers are long dead.
And I'm sure their ghosts are probably in hell.
- [Whimpering] - Let's go, Simpson! Ditch the baby.
[Whimpers, Gasps] [Sniffling] - My key! - Sorry, Ralph.
I thought we were friends.
[Laughing] Wait.
I missed that.
Get him to say it again.
Go on home, Ralph.
[Sobs] I can't, without Daddy's key! [Gasps] I can't bail on a friend, even if it is Ralph.
- Ah, you wuss.
- Hey! Give it back! - [Grunts] - Hey! Keep away! Hey, come on! I thought we were friends.
Yeah, well, I hope the irony's not lost on you, Simpson.
[Grunts, Groans] [Grunts] [Laughing] This sucks.
Let's do somethir else.
I know.
Let's go pick some huckleberries! - Yeah! - Huckleberries! All right! Daddy's key went in there.
Hey, Ralph, you're braver than you thought.
[Owl Hooting] Wait for me! [Gasps] Wow! Look at all these toilets.
And just inches from your bed.
Talk about luxury.
There's the key! - [Squeaking] - [Gasps] The pointy kitty took it! Oh.
Danger, eh? [Key Turning In Lock] [Both Gasping] Whoa, mama! The electric chair! [Sniffs] Smell that, Ralph? That's the smell of justice.
Smells like hot dogs.
Hmm.
Maybe it still works.
Give me the newlyweds from that cake.
Stand back.
[Grunting, Sighs] What a gyp.
Maybe our key fits in here.
[Crackling] [Sinister Chuckling] Till death do you part.
- [Man] Somebody down there? - [Gasps] Uh-oh.
Let's get outta here.
[Panting] Why do I always shout first? Just gives them a chance to run away.
Well, I'm an idiot.
- Got any threes? - Go fish.
Oh! See, here's the problem, Ralph.
- You have several threes.
- Go fish! Why don't we watch can'toons? TheJustice League is moving into their new building today.
Kent Brockman reporting live from Mayor Quimby's press conference at the abandoned penitentiary.
Huh? I have ordered the reopening of this prison to send a message to the criminals of Springfield.
If you commit a violent crime in my town you are going to end up here.
Hey, that's our play chair! To demonstrate what you're in for I will now strap myself into this electric chair which was deactivated over 30 years ago and, I can only assume, still is.
Uh-oh.
We didn't reset the safety switch.
Uh-oh.
We didn't reset the safety switch.
He's gonna smell like hot dogs.
- [Beeps] - Operator, get me Morningwood Penitentiary.
- It's an emergency.
- [Busy Signal] [Groans] Now, Martha, we've been over this and over this.
We're too old to start having children.
If you're looking for something to do, why don't you start a new twine ball? Come on.
A mars life is at stake.
We need to get a message to the prison.
Think.
Think! Lisa's a good thinker.
That's it.
Ralph, you're a genius! Now, as I mime the convulsions of a condemned criminal I remind my staff not to come to my assistance no matter how realistic my performance may be.
[Bart] They're getting ready to throw the switch! Come on, Lisa.
Hurry! Let's just pray this hits the prison.
[Whistling] - [Gasps] Huh? - [Gasps] Smithers, there's a rocket in my pocket.
You don't have to tell me, sir.
[Grunting] Turn off the chair.
- Turn off the chair.
- [All Gasping] "Electric chair is on," eh? Then the old prison has been getting free electricity for 30 years.
I'll put a stop to that.
[Grunting, Groaning] - Yea! Yeah.
- Wow! That was really entertaining.
- How did you make that smoke? - [Groans] - Yeah! All right! Whoo! - All right! - Way to go, Ralph! - Ralph? But the rocket was my idea.
- But asking you was Ralph's idea.
- You're the man, Ralph! But surely I deserve some credit for- [Bart, Homer] Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Ah, let him have this one, Lise.
After all, it's Ralph.
Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Ralph! Ah, you've done grand, laddie.
Now you know what you have to do- burn the house down! Burn 'em all! - [Murmuring] - Shh!