The Simpsons Episode Scripts

N/A - Girly Edition

##[Chorus Singing] [Tires Screeching] D'oh! [Screams] ##[Theme Song] Hmm.
- I want a job.
- You've got it.
- [Yelling] - [Flames Lapping] - Ooh, ooh.
Ow! - [Blowing] [Whimpers] I quit.
- [Screams] - [Flames Lapping] [Scratchy] No.
No.
No! [Laughing] Man, you'd think the quality would dip after 5,500 shows.
But- [Laughs] Well, the F.
C.
C.
isn't laughing.
They don't believe kids are learning anything from Itchy and Scratchy.
Aw, please.
What don't they learn? Don't trust mice.
Cats are made of glass.
Our license renewal is on the bubble.
We need educational programming fast.
What about that Mattel and Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour? That's barely legal as it is.
Here's what I was thinking.
A newscast for kids by kids.
Well, you're not taking any time out of my show.
It's jammed up as it is.
There's the monologue those idiot puppets, Krusty's nap time the second monologue, Paul Harvey, Senor Pepino- I tell ya, it's the tightest three hours and 10 minutes on TV.
- We're cutting 10 minutes from your show.
- Well, I guess we could trim the hobo parade to a lean 20.
Ach.
She's a bonny pile.
Now for a wee nip and a wee nap.
[Chains Squeaking] - Ready, Milhouse? - Ready.
[Grunts] [Girls Shriek] - Whoa! - [All] Whoa! [Quick Grunts] You owe me a quarter.
I didn't crack my skull.
- Rats.
- [Yells] - [Grunts] - Ach! Me pile! It's been raped of its "bonny-ness.
" - [Groans] - Hi, Willie.
- [Gasps] My board! - It's Willie's board now.
And she'll make a fine piece of kindlir.
- [Knocking] - Sorry.
Willie can't hear ya.
[Bagpipes] [More Bagpipes] [Bagpipes] Hmm.
[Liquid Sloshing] - It's pure.
- Hmm.
I really didn't want it to come to this.
- ## [Whistling] - [Snoring] Lisa, Channel 6 is launching a childrers news program and they've asked me to select an outstanding student to be anchorchild.
[Gasps] Oh, my gosh! Today's top story- Little girl on cloud nine as dream comes true.
Lisa, I've selected you to be that child anchor.
I know.
I already jumped to that conclusion.
Hmm.
All right.
If you're so smart tell me who I selected to be lunchroom monitor.
- Me? - Take your sash and go.
This isn't right.
This isn't right at all.
Ugh.
Aw.
[Grunts] I'll have to eat my way out.
[Chomping] Agh! It's terrible.
[Explosion] [Birds Chirping] My shack! My beautiful shack! Oh, and I just got it the way I like it.
[Laughs] You did this, Bart Simpson! The man knows quality work.
This time you're in for it, Bart.
[Scoffs] Huh! What's he gonna do? - I'll kill ya! - [Chokes] [Nurse] All right.
Back on the stretcher.
And I'll be able to tackle all the hard-hitting childrers news the grown-up-controlled media won't touch.
- Plus I get to be on TV.
- Oh, honey.
I'm so proud of you.
All your hard work and grade-grubbing have finally paid off.
- So who's on your news team? - [Gasps] Nerd.
Nerd.
Nelson? Well, we used to date.
Plus, he threatened me.
Well, don't worry about sports.
I got that covered.
Back off, Bart.
This may be the only chance I get as a second-grader to produce my own TV show - and I'm not gonna let you screw it up.
- Mom.
- Oh, let your brother do sports.
- Mom.
That "Mom" stuff doesn't work on me.
Ooh, the gum with a cracker center.
Mmm.
That'll do it, Apu.
- So just- - [Chittering] - [Shrieks] - [Apu] Do not be alarmed.
That is just my helper monkey, sir.
I got him after a robber shot me six times and left me for dead.
Helper monkey, eh? - [Chair Squeaking] - [Chatter] [Laughter] Hey, I'm on TV.
Fart.
Come on.
Quit fooling around, you guys.
[Evil Voice] So we meet again, Mr.
Bond.
- Bart, get out of my anchor chair.
- Silence, Octopussy.
Come on.
This isn't a joke.
All over town, kids are just waking up from their naps cranky and hungry for the news.
Wow.
Kent Brockman.
Good luck, kids.
Where the hell's my grilled cheese? - [Monkeys Chittering] - I'd like a monkey, please.
And maybe one of those dogs.
What do they do? Uh, they serve as seeing eyes for the blind, sir.
- Do they do any other tricks? - No.
- Just the monkey then.
- Uh, may I inquire as to how you are "differently-abled"? Oh.
I'm not handicapped.
I'm just lazy.
Uh, sir, helper monkeys are only for the physically-challenged or enfeebled.
Enfeebled? Ooh, I know just the guy.
Be right back.
- [Monkey Chittering] - Oh, Son this monkey's gonna change my life.
Mind if I take him for a ride? Sure.
I'll just stand here.
[Tires Squealing] Mmm, I can't wait to eat that monkey.
##[Nelson Singing Intro Music] And now, Kidz Newz.
## [Singing Melody] With Kidz Newz anchor- Lisa.
## [Singing Melody] Thank you.
Our top story today- In a move that could affect children townwide the library book purchase committee slashed its budget by three percent.
First on the chopping block- periodicals.
- Boring.
- And now sports.
Bart Simpson telling you to lock the doggy in the barn 'cause here comes dodgeball action.
The shirts continued their domination over the skins today.
- And in school yard fights, the highly anticipated match - [Bell Dings] between Kearney and Mr.
Largo ended in a disqualification for use of dog-doo on a stick.
Lisa.
[Nelson] And we are out.
[Nelson] And we are out.
All right, kids.
We learned a lot today.
Now this is what makes my job difficult.
- Bart, you're off the sports beat.
- What? Sorry, Bart, but you've gotta take some things seriously.
From now on, you're Lisa's coanchor.
- What? - Ooh, that's gotta hurt.
[Bell Dings] [Bell Dings] [Bart] Anchorman, huh? Well, if I'm gonna be an anchorman, I better go bleach the crud off my teeth.
- I'll be in makeup.
- [Door Closes] I don't need a coanchor.
I'm a straight-A student.
Lisa, Bart's got something you can't learn in school- - "zazz.
" - What is "zazz"? "Zing," "zork," "kapowza"- Call it what you want.
In any language it spells mazuma in the bank.
- "Zork"? What is "zork"? - I didn't say "zork"? The point is the camera loves him.
But that trivializes the whole idea of Kidz Newz.
I mean, let's be honest.
Bart's not exactly the brightest penny in the fountain.
In English, Lisa.
- [Motor Whirring] - Damn blueberry stains.
Look.
I love Bart, but he's never even read a newspaper.
- [Motor Cuts Off] - Between you and me, he's, well kind of dumb.
[Whimpers] - [Monkey Chittering] - [Shouts] Is there a problem, honey? Monkey.
There's a monkey in the house.
- [Yells] - Relax.
It's only Mojo.
Mojo, Marge.
Marge, Mojo.
He can do anything you show him.
Watch.
Simpson residence.
- [Chitters] - [Sighs] Why didn't you tell me you were bringing home a filthy monkey? This "filthy monkey" made the orange juice you're drinking.
I'll show Lisa who's dumb.
"Supreme Court reverses"- [Groans] I won't turn to the comics.
I won't turn to the comics.
All right.
I'll read one comic just to get me rollir.
Archie.
"Hey, Jughead, did you hear? The Supreme Court reversed"- - [Groans] - [Marge Shouts] [Monkey Chittering] - Mom, am I dumb? - Honey, I'd love to reassure you but right now Mommy needs a tetanus shot.
[Doorbell Rings] Mr.
Brockman, I need your help.
I've got to become a great anchor so I can show up my sister.
Sister, huh? [Chuckles] I've got a sister.
Miss Big Shot CNN Washington Correspondent.
[Scoffs] Well, she's not the boss of me! Come in.
Come in.
Let's take the trophy route to the den.
Twelve Newsies.
Seven Iron Mikes.
Four Golden Coifs.
This is the most prestigious award that Del Monte gives.
Do you want to hear my award-winning secret? Human interest stories.
They tug at the heart and fog the mind.
Observe.
Hear that? It's the sound of childrers laughter silenced.
That's because tomorrow this old carousel which has delighted young Americans for lo these past six years will be torn down to make way for the future- a store that sells designer mouse pads.
Well, I guess there's no room in this modern world for old Blackie here but if you don't mind this reporter is going for one last ride.
##[Man Singing] - This is Kent Brockman- - ##[Continues] reporting.
[Nelson Singing Melody] And now - Kidz Newz.
- [Groans] Marge, the kids are on.
The monkey's on my part of the sofa.
Honey, he's clearly marked his territory.
- [Groans] - We'll bring you more on this chalk shortage as it continues.
And now, Bart's been looking into that alleged ham salad from yesterday's school lunch.
No, I haven't, Lisa.
Because I went out with a camera and did a different kind of story.
[Nervous Chuckles] Bart, do you really think- It's about a man.
A simple man.
He's one of Bart's People.
Joe Banks, 82 years young has come to this pond every day for the past 17 years to feed the ducks.
But last month Joe made a discovery- the ducks were gone.
Some say the ducks went to Canada.
Others say Toronto.
And some people think that Joe used to sit down there, near those ducks.
But it could be that there's just no room in this modern world for an old man and his ducks.
##[Man Singing] Smithers- [Sniffles] You think maybe my power plant killed those ducks? There's no maybe about it, sir.
[Sniffles] Excellent.
Marge, can I get a duck? You already have a monkey.
Can he get a duck? - No! - [Chittering] One man, no ducks.
Lisa.
That's Kidz Newz.
Good night.
- [Sobs] - [Applause] Way to go, Bart.
That wasrt news.
That was sappy, manipulative drivel.
Well, I'm sorry you couldn't feel for old Joe.
- You didn't feel for him either, you big fat phony.
- Bart, look up here.
This is where the tears would be if I could cry.
But I can't.
Botched face-lift.
You could learn a lot from him, Maryann.
- It's Lisa.
- Maryanrs better.
They want cheap sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll be blowing their nose with a pancake.
They call her the "Cat Lady.
" People say she's crazy just because she has a few dozen cats.
But can anyone who loves animals that much really be crazy? [Screaming Gibberish] [Cats Screeching] The old Union Pacific doesn't come by here much anymore.
[Whistle Blowing] - [Screaming Gibberish] - [Cats Screeching] Come on.
Come to papa.
[Monkey Chittering] Good boy, Mojo.
Now bring 'em down and I'll give you one.
[Groans] Stop that.
You're a helper monkey.
- This isn't helping.
- [Chitters] Oh.
I don't need your pity.
[Whimpering] [Chomping] [Bart] Our forgotten veterans- Their guns are quiet now.
Their helmets lost or pawned.
And yet here they are, making flags out of old clothes.
Sure, they may not have the right number of stripes and the colors are all wrong and some purists will tell you the American flag doesn't contain the word "Jordache.
" But you know, if they run this up the flagpole, I'll salute.
- I'm Bart Simpson.
- Hmm.
Thank you, Bart, for yet another touching Bart's People.
- Now, turning to- - I just think our veterans deserve a little recognition.
That's what Veterars Day is for, Bart.
But is that really enough to honor our brave soldiers? [Nervous Chuckle] They also have Memorial Day.
Oh, Lisa.
Maybe you're right, maybe you're wrong.
The important thing is veterans deserve a day - to honor them.
- They have two.
Well, maybe they should have three.
I'm Bart Simpson.
Oh, my.
Look at all these letters from people who want to be Bart's people, Bart.
I wish they could all be Bart's people, Mom.
I truly do.
I'm proud of you, honey.
You're finally giving something back to the community after taking so, so much.
Hmm.
Really makes you think.
What does that even mean? Mom might not see through you, but I do.
You don't care about any of these people.
Well, If I'm guilty of anything, maybe it's caring too much.
- I'm Bart Simpson.
- Stop talking like that.
Stop it.
- [Choking] - Lisa, please.
You've absolutely no reason to be jealous.
You're still a very important part of Bart's show.
[Groans] Bart's show? If everybody knew what a phony Bart was he'd be off that show so fast- I've got it.
[Laughter] [Monkey Mimics Laughter] [Yells] Hey, Lise.
Be a doll and hand me that sealant.
Hey.
Here's another letter for Bart's People.
Oh.
So many souls, so little ain'time.
- [Motor Hums] - " Dear Bart "I came to this country hoping to share the American dream.
"But after many years of backbreaking labor I find myself homeless and sleeping in a junkyard.
" Oh, how terrible.
Read on.
"Should I abandon hope or fight on bravely against impossible odds?" Oh, this is too perfect.
- It is, isn't it? - I'm gonna put him on the air tonight.
Live.
Oh, Bart, you'll have to ride your bike pretty fast to get out there in time.
- Nah, I'll just take the chopper.
- They gave you a chopper? [Wheezing] - Mojo, will you wipe my mouth? - [Chitters] Oh, for Pete sakes, why is that monkey wearing a diaper? - I thought he was housebroken? - [Both] Meh.
[Groans] You said this monkey would be sweeping the floors and cleaning the gutters and now he just lies there struggling to breathe.
- [Labored Breathing] - [Homer] What do you want? His cholesterol's through the roof.
I want you to take that monkey back so he can be rehabilitated and get a second chance.
No, no.
He's fine.
Go on, Mojo.
Show Marge your happy dance.
[Groaning] [Lethargic Chittering] - And so on.
- [Groans] - [Door Opens] - [Footsteps] [Door Buzzing] - [Door Closes] - [Tires Squealing] [Gasps] Mojo.
What have they done to you? [Computerized Voice] Pray for Mojo.
So, by waking up a little early and having some extra sheets handy no one's the wiser.
Tomorrow- destroying the evidence.
Ew.
Uh, thank you, Milhouse.
Now it's time for today's special live edition of Bart's People.
[Clears Throat] Lisa, I've just arrived at the Springfield dump.
A lot of things get thrown out here.
Sometimes even a human being.
Somewhere in this pile of twisted metal and soiled mattresses- - [Nervous Chuckles] - lives a poor immigrant whose home was cruelly taken away.
Yeah.
By you! Groundskeeper Willie! Um, uh so you're the immigrant I'm here to help.
Help? You destroyed my house and reduced me to livir in a dump.
Groundskeeper Willie, furious with the government that let him down.
- I'm Bart Simp- - [Screams] - [Laughs] - I'll kill ya! - [Grunts] - [Screams] - [Crash, Audio Cuts Out] - Oh, no.
What have I done? Nelson, cover for me.
[Clears Throat] [Imitating Farts] Oh, Bart.
It's me, a jolly policeman.
Oh, we got Willie.
Come on out so we can give you a medal.
Way to go, Officer.
[Screams] - [Groans] - [Yelps] - [Grunts] - [Yelps] - Willie, stop! - Away with ya.
I got to finish him off while I'm still temporarily insane! No, you can't hurt Bart! He's-Well, he's your son.
- What? - Well, not literally.
But in a way, isn't he everyone's son? For you see, that little hell-raiser is the spawn of every shrieking commercial every brain-rotting soda pop every teacher who cares less about young minds than about cashing their big fat paychecks.
No, Bart's not to blame.
You can't create a monster and then whine when he stomps on a few buildings.
- I'm Lisa Simpson.
- [Sniffles, Sobs] You're right.
It's all Willie's fault.
I've been a terrible father.
Hey, Lise.
Thanks.
Boy, that phony schmaltz of yours sure is powerful stuff.
Uh, yeah.
But I have a certain respect for that whole "truth and hard work" thing that you do.
You know, Bart, if we combine your showmanship with my integrity we could make kids really care about the news.
You're right.
If we work together, there's no stoppir us.
[News Theme] [Man Announcing] The new, improved Kidz Newz has been canceled.
Stay tuned for The Mattel And Mars Bar Quick Energy Chocobot Hour.
You can count on us, Mr.
President.
Major Nougat, Gooey, Cocoa put down those entertaining Mattel products.
Colonel Ga-taffy is up to his old tricks.
Let's power up! I can't believe they canceled us for this- Shut up! I'm trying to watch this.
[All] Chocolate away! [Driving Rock] - [Murmuring] - Shh.