The Simpsons Episode Scripts

AABF08 - Sunday, Cruddy Sunday

[ Chorus Singing ] [ Bell Ringing ] [ Whistle Blowing ] [ Beeping ] [Jazzy Solo ] [ Beeping ] [ Tires Screeching ] D'oh! [ Screams ] - [ All Gasp ] - [ Channel Changes ] [ Snoring ] [ Chattering ] Hey, hey.
Settle down, children.
Now, who's ever wondered how the post office works? - No one? - I did until we came here last year.
Ah, yes, last year.
Anyway, look.
Here comes our guide for the day, Postmaster Bill.
[ Chuckling ] Howdy, partners.
Welcome to your post office.
Wow! It's ours? - [ Skinner ] Bart.
! - Be with you in a minute.
This is the lobby where customers come for all their ''postalistic'' needs.
''Legends of comedy,'' my tuchus.
! What has Fatty Arbuckle done that I haven't done? This machine reads zip codes.
These five digits tell us where to direct your mail.
But it's nine digits now.
What's the point of these other four numbers? Those are citizen relocation codes.
With any luck, we'll never need 'em.
- She's onto us.
Should I flood the chamber? - Not yet.
Let's get some lunch.
Well, children, any questions for Postmaster Bill? You ever gone on a killing spree? No, no.
The day of the gun-toting, disgruntled postman shooting up the place went out with the Macarena.
Well, I'm just glad I work at an elementary school.
And this is where our employees gather to unwind after a hard day of serving the public.
Bingo! Birthday card! - Graduation! - Ding-ding-ding! Wedding! [ All Cheering ] [ Chuckling, Moans ] I'm sure you all heard of the dead letter office.
Well, as a souvenir of your visit you can each help yourself to one piece of undeliverable mail.
- [ Cheering ] - I'll take you.
- [ Growling ] - I got some dog food! I got my letter to Santa.
A coupon book? What am I gonna do with this piece of junk? - Happy birthday, Dad.
- Wow! A Val-U-Qual coupon book! Let's see.
Ten percent off carpet cleaning.
Ten! [ Gasps ] Two pizzas for the price of one at Doughy's! - Doughy's has terrible pizza.
- Yeah, but there's two! Oh, free foot pain analysis.
Oh, Marge.
That's just a trick to get you in there, so they can cure your foot pain.
I guess.
[ Moaning ] See ya, kids.
Me and my Val-U-Qual book are gonna paint the town red.
with savings! I'll start with a couple of pizzas, then a complimentary tango lesson.
And I'll cap it off with a smooth, refreshing colonic.
- Um, Dad? - [ Singing Upbeat Song ] [ Continues ] Now, this wheel balancing is free, right? Oh, you betcha.
Absolutely.
Uh, oh, oh, wait a minute.
These tires won't take a balance.
- They won't? - Nah, no.
You hear that clunk? - No.
- That tells me you need four new tires.
- Really? - Yeah.
Legally, I can't even let you drive out of here.
Oh, please, can't you let me slide this time? Gee, I'd really like to, but if my boss found out- What's going on over here? You gonna let this man drive out of here on unsafe tires? - No, boss, I swear.
- That's it.
You're fired! No, wait.
This is all my fault.
Oh, if I could only turn back the clock and buy four new tires.
[ Instrumental Easy Listening ] [ Moans ] Ooh, I know that look.
You came in for the free wheel balance and now it's costing you - Six with the tip.
- Hey, you got off easy.
I just came in to use the phone, and they got me for the whole Road King package- alignment, shocks, Armor All, stem lube.
[ Laughing ] Stem lube.
Even I didn't fall for that, although winter is coming.
Man, we are a couple of grade-A suckers.
- Wally Kogen.
- Hey, I know you.
We were in the same pyramid scheme.
Oh, don't remind me.
Friends helping friends, my ass! Say, you wanna grab a beer while we're waiting? Yeah.
I'm getting tired of them pointing and laughing at us.
[ Man ] The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless.
- I mean, when you think about it.
- Football's so great.
But now the two conference champs must survive a harrowing bye week that no one enjoys.
Bye weeks! Bronco Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks.
And now he's dead.
Well, maybe they're a good thing.
Yeah, how 'bout that Super Bowl.
You going this year? Me? Nah.
[ Gasps ] Unless there's a coupon for it.
Nah.
Well, I run the Springfield Travel Agency.
We've got a charter bus going down to the game.
You help us fill it, you can ride for free.
Homer Simpson at the Super Bowl? Dang! That was my last quarterback.
Now what am I gonna do? You! - Me? - Yeah, you.
Get your hand off my wife's leg.
Sorry.
It's a deal.
Hey, Moe, you wanna come with me and Wally to the Super Bowl? Oh, absolutely.
My favorite team's in it.
The Atlanta Falcons.
Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the Atlanta Falcons.
Yeah, they're good, but I wouldn't count out the Denver Broncos.
Yeah, I hear that President Clinton is gonna be watching with his wife, Hillary.
Come on, Lenny.
I need four more guys to fill my Super Bowl bus.
- What do you say? - Nah.
- Come on! - Nah.
- Come on! - Nah.
- Oh, come on! - Ah- Yes! Now that Lenny's in, Carl will fall like a domino.
I'm so happy you're going to the big game.
My dream has always been to see the Bolshoi Ballet.
Yeah, yeah.
Do we have any pencils that work? Wow.
You've signed up quite a few people, Dad- the Sea Captain, Bumblebee Man, Comic Book Guy, the Squeaky-voiced Teen.
I gotta hand it to you, Homer.
It's really a good group.
Yeah, not a dame in sight.
Oh, thank God.
Now we can stop holding it in.
[ All Sighing ] All aboard for Miami.
- [ Grunting ] - [ Barney ] I don't know if I can last that long.
Super Bowl, please, and step on it.
- [ All Cheering ] - Hey, wait up! Aw, crap.
It's that pip-squeak Rudy.
- What is it, Rudy? - Can I come too? Forget it, kid.
You're too small to go to the Super Bowl.
But what I lack in size I make up for in obnoxiousness.
[ All Cheering ] [ Upbeat Song ] Well, sports fans, I see you've located the beer supply.
So, let's all enjoy it in moderation.
- [ Man ] Boo.
! - Hey, don't make me come back there.
Seriously now, if you have any questions just ask our team leader, Homer Simpson.
[ Drunkenly Humming ] Or me.
Better ask me.
[ Sighs ] It's so nice to have a peaceful weekend together.
- Yeah, I'm bored too.
- Mm-hmm.
Hey, why don't we do one of those craft kits Aunt Patty always gives us.
Hmm.
Oh! How 'bout paint by numbers? - It's so rigid and uncreative.
- Okay.
- Oh, leather craft.
- Oh, those poor, helpless cows! Mm-hmm.
What about clay? You got any problem with clay? Hey, what's this? ''Vincent Price's Egg Magic.
'' Wow.
What are we waiting for? [ All Laughing ] Now look what you've done.
All right, all right.
You guys have had way too much booze.
- Last call.
- [ Excited Chattering ] Come on, come on.
Gimme an excuse.
Pro Player Stadium.
Super Bowl.
- [ All Cheering ] - [ Gunshots ] Hey, all right! [ Bleating ] [ Chuckles ] I'm sorry.
- The guys made kind of a mess in your bathroom.
- What bathroom? Uh, okay, fellas.
Enjoy the pregame fun.
I don't wanna be a Panicky Pete but it's Sunday and I haven't been to church yet.
No problem.
The N.
F.
L.
's got you covered.
And that the wandering Oakland Raiders may someday find a home.
Lord, hear our prayer.
Can I get an amen to that? [ All ] Amen! Cool! The N.
F.
L.
's oldest surviving player.
- I'm 53 years young.
- [ Shuddering ] Whoo! Hey, Troy Aikman! So, Ned, you like dune buggies? Well, not my cup of- Sure you do.
Everyone likes dune buggies.
Great spiral, Daniel! Man, that hurts.
Excuse me.
Coming through.
Friends of Dan Marino.
Okay, Dan, fire away! I'm Dan's manager.
This is Dan.
- Go long, son.
- Yes, sir.
[ Whimpering ] I'm catching a pass from Dan Marino.
This is the greatest moment of my- Whoo-hoo! Homer Simpson with a pick! - Hey, Bubba, Hacksaw, get that moron.
- [ Growling ] - Uh-oh.
Lateral to Bart.
- [ Growling Continues ] - D'oh! My spine.
- [ Bone Snaps ] Oh, honey, that is egg-ceptional.
Okay, now we just have to stick the feet on.
Right.
Hmm.
Lisa, I don't want to alarm you, but I'm not finding any.
But it clearly says ''feet included.
'' They have to be here.
No.
Nothing.
I can't believe Vincent Price would lend his name to such a shoddy product.
- Now what do we do? - Let's call the company.
Mom, this was made in 1 967.
They're probably out of business.
Well, we'll just see.
Murray Hill 5-923 2.
[ Line Ringing ] Hello.
This is Vincent Price.
[ Gasps ] It's Vincent Price! I thought he was dead.
You should know the grave could never tame me.
[ Sinister Laughter] Oh, Mr.
Price.
I loved you in The Abominable Doc- If you are calling about the missing feet, leave your address and the replacement feet will be rushed to you by my grandson Jody.
And now I must return to the sweet embrace of the crypt.
But I'll be back.
[ Sinister Laughter ] So, is he alive or not? - [ Machine Beeps ] - 7 42 Evergreen Terrace.
Springfield- ''Oh, hiya,'' Maude.
Come on in.
Who needs tickets? Tickets, right here.
How 'bout you, slick? Scalping tickets to the Super Bowl.
Have you no shame, sir? I should give you a royal caning.
[ All Shouting Agreement ] Hey, I'm just trying to make an honest buck.
Ah, get lost, you bloodsucking parasite.
Wally and I have all the tickets we need.
Uh, sorry, fellas, but these tickets are counterfeit.
- What? - Counterfeit? Yeah, see, the hologram's missing and there's no such team as the Spungos and finally, these seem to be printed on some sort of cracker.
Stop eating our tickets! Oh, how could I fall for fake tickets? Gee, the fellas are gonna be crestfallen.
Yes, if by ''crestfallen'' you mean ''kill us''.
Listen, let me talk to them.
Maybe I can smooth this over.
My friends- - They don't have the tickets! - Kill 'em! My friends- Ow! All right, I'll get you into the game! Excuse me, uh, Mr.
Scalper, sir.
Have I told you that I love you? Forget it.
You'll just hurt me like all the others.
Okay, Moe, I believe you had me by the throat.
Reverend Lovejoy was working the body.
Wait.
Dad, look! Hello.
Gentlemen, I have an idea.
- Run! - [ All Cheering ] - Get back here! - We can still make the kickoff.
- Here comes the kick.
- [ Cheer Building Up ] - Ow! - [ All ] Yea! As a doctor, I'd say he's had enough.
But as a football fan- - [ Cheer Building Up ] - [ Screams ] [ Wind Gusting ] [ Honking ] [ Rock ] [ Man Over TV] The Catholic Church- we've made a few changes: These Super Bowl commercials are weird.
[ Man ]Just about ready for the second quarter here in Miami.
I tell you, Pat, that wild first quarter blew out my Telestrator.
- And now the fans are screaming for more.
- [ Screaming ] - Let us out of here! - Relax, Simpson.
Relax.
A little-known fact about jail cells is they always have one phony bar for, like, emergencies.
Real.
Real.
Real.
Real.
Real.
So by the process of elimination, this one is the fake.
[ Groaning ] That's painful.
[ Crowd Cheering On TV] Ah, nuts.
That sounds like a touchdown.
- [ All Moaning ] - No, no, no.
I know my roars.
And that was most definitely a safety.
- [ All Moaning ] - Oh, man! Gosh, fellas, to see you all stuck in here when even guys in China can watch all the action from their town squares or what have you well, I just feel pretty doggone bad.
If they were electing a president of Dumbville, I'd have to nominate me.
- You got my vote.
- We're never gonna get out of- Psst, cleaning lady.
Would you let us out of here? - Me? I'm Dolly Parton.
- I didn't ask for your life story.
Just give me the key.
Young man, where I come from, the South, folks say ''please.
'' And besides, I gotta go sing a medley with Rob Lowe and Stump.
- Dolly, wait! - Wally? You know Dolly Parton? Yeah.
I book a lot of package tours to Dollywood and EuroDollywood.
- That's in Alabama.
- Wally Kogen! What are you doing in Super Bowl jail? - Ask her if she'll go out with me.
- We had a little ticket snafu.
Do you think you can bust old Wally and his pals outta the pokey? Well, I do have some of my extra-strength makeup remover.
Shield your eyes.
[ Excited Murmuring ] - Thanks, Miss Parton.
- [ Barney ] Way to go, Dolly.
- [ Bart ] Thanks, babe.
- Will you go out with me? Oh, look at the time.
I better scoot to that halftime show.
See y'all! Man, that's gonna be some show.
Who's ready for some football? Football! [ Upbeat Rock ] Hey, Homer, we've been running around cheering for an hour.
- Where the hell's the game? - [ All Murmuring Agreement ] You guys are following me? I was following Flanders.
Hey, look what I found.
- Whoa! - [ Excited Murmuring ] - Hey! - [ Crowd Cheering ] - Hey, somebody just scored.
- [ Homer] Coming in a minute.
- [ Chattering ] - [ Belches ] [ Homer] Hey, it's the beer copter! - What the bloody hell? - Hit the road, gramps.
This is a private skybox.
I'm Rupert Murdoch, the billionaire tyrant.
And this is my skybox.
If you're Rupert Murdoch, prove it.
- [ Whispering ] - [ Whispering ] - [ Fanfare ] - [ Crowd ] Hi, Rupert! - [ All ] Uh-oh.
- Well, I'm convinced.
Tell you what, Mr.
Murdoch.
Let's just split the difference.
The boys and I will just crouch here quietly and take it easy on the snacks- Silence! - Seize them! - [ Gasping ] Oi, oi, oi, oi, oi! [ Crowd Cheering ] The game! We're so close.
Follow me, boys.
We're finally going to the Super- [ Screams ] - [ Player] We did it! We're number one! - We're rich! - How does it feel? - Did you ever stop believing? Does this suit make me look fat? - Players and V.
I.
P.
s only.
- [ All Moan ] I can't believe it.
We're actually in the winning locker room.
Whoo! I'm going to Disneyland! Really? 'Cause I'm a travel agent and I've heard nothing but bad things.
- [ All Grunting ] - Let go! - [ Ringing ] - Y'ello? - Hello.
This is President Clinton.
- Hey, how you doing? Your determination and grit under extreme pressure are an inspiration.
- The whole country is proud of you.
- Well, it's about time! And on behalf of America, I'd like to- Ow! All right, Lovejoy! You're gonna get it.
Hello? Hello? I command you to answer me! Hello? Al, do you have to do that right now? What are you gonna do with your Super Bowl ring, Carl? I'll probably give it to my wife.
It's our anniversary today.
[ All Sighing ] Dad, that doesn't belong to you.
But this might be my last chance to win one.
We sure put together a heck of a trip, Homer.
Ever thought about being a travel agent? Wally, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't.
'Cause you can really ''go places'' in the travel business.
- Huh? Feel free to use that one.
- What one? Well,John, what did you think of tonight's episode? I loved it.
The last-minute addition of Wally Kogen to the lineup was a bit of a gamble, but it really paid off.
Marge and Lisa painting eggs- did that work for you? Oh, big-time! They came off the bench with a huge effort that allowed Homer and Bart to make some significant gains.
Did it strike you as odd that in a Super Bowl show with Dolly Parton we didn't see any football or singing? I hadn't thought about it, Pat.
But in retrospect, it was kind of a rip-off.
What a way to treat the loyal fans who've put up with so much nonsense from this franchise.
- Any final thoughts? - Nah, I'm too mad.
Let's get the heck out of here.
All aboard, boys.
I've been waiting for you.
Now, I'll tell you- that doesn't make a lick of sense! I know.
Just get on the bus.
- [ Gears Grinding ] - [ Price ] Where's that infernal clutch? - Wait, wait.
I'll get it.
- [ Boy ] Give it some gas, Grandpa.
Oh, quiet,Jody.
You're not helping.
[ Rock ] [ Instrumental Easy Listening ] [ Rupert Murdoch ] Silence.
!