The Simpsons s14e06 Episode Script

The Simpsons The Great Louse Detective D'oh! Ah! Three minutes, 40 seconds a new personal best.
Maggie? No one will ever know.
- Mail call.
- Anything good? The "George Foreman Mail Sorter" will let us know.
Mm.
"Your family is invited to a free weekend at Stagnant Springs Spa.
" Oh, that place is famous.
It's where J-Lo hit P.
Diddy upside the head with Gary Coleman.
Our attendants can take and stick it in your boobs.
And this place isn't just for gals anymore.
It's also for vain, effeminate men.
Kent Brockman? Well, if you find this shocking, look at Tom Brokaw.
Truly, that was the greatest regeneration.
This place blows.
I'm gonna go float a Baby Ruth down a mineral bath.
Don't worry, kids.
We've got something just for you.
Do you like Dr.
Seuss? - No.
- Then you'll love Dr.
Mas-Seuss.
Bad posture has floobled and snozzled your neck.
I'll stop talking like this if you write me a check.
Ooh! These turtles know just where the knots are.
It just shows you God has a plan for every creature.
Yes, yes indeed.
Ooh, ahh, oh! Help! Please! Someone throw me a stick! Don't struggle.
You'll only sink faster.
Roll your eyes back into your head, focusing on your breathing.
You should feel a pleasant tingling.
Oh, I do! I do! Now, get down on all fours with your rear in the air.
What position is this? The American taxpayer! The American taxpayer.
Hmm.
Oh, my God.
A naked celebrity.
Be cool.
The whole world already saw it in Nudist Camp Commandant.
"I wore nothing!" "Do not use steam room if you are overweight or have a heart condition.
" Wait a minute.
I'm not wearing a shirt.
Who ordered the steamed gentile? Mm, steamed gentile.
Don't worry.
Us pigs will catch this killer.
Now, Mr.
Simpson, is it possible you're living a double or triple life that your wife doesn't know about? Triple? No.
Definitely no.
You have to do something to protect my husband.
Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people? Uh, second word, chief.
Thanks, Princeton Pete.
Now, your case requires someone who understands the twisted mind of a murderer.
And I know just where to find him.
- Paris? - No.
No, not Paris.
I'm never gonna go to Paris.
These are our most dangerous criminals.
Each one crazier than the last.
Uh, come to think of it he should be there and this guy, he should be over there.
Wait.
You're saying he's crazier than I am? That's exactly what I'm saying, Decapitating Harry.
Now move it.
Yeah, yeah.
Whatever.
I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.
- It beats Disney's California Adventure.
- Mm-hm.
- Oh, yeah.
- Yeah, that's true.
Which one of these psychos is gonna help me catch my killer? He's right in here.
- Access denied.
- Oh, fine.
I gotta use a fork.
Hello, Bart.
Aah! Sideshow Bob! Oh, come now.
We've been through so much together.
Just call me Bob.
Aah! Bob! All right, Bob, if you help us catch the guy trying to kill Homer we'll make it worth your while.
- What could you offer me? - Your pick of roles in the prison musical.
This year, I think it's Man of La Mancha.
Yeah.
Don Quixote, Sancho Panza Dr.
Carrasco, you know, they're all great parts.
Ugh, what a great show.
I wish it was today.
- So, what do you say, Bob? - Fair enough.
Now, I will need round-the-clock access to all the Simpsons especially Bart.
Then you might as well stay with us.
We serve the same meat the prisons do.
Wait, wait, wait.
Bob can't stay with us.
This man has tried to kill me so much, it's not funny.
Don't worry, son.
We have ways of making him compliant.
Dad, I can't believe you're putting my life at risk to save your own.
You'll understand someday when you have kids.
Now, if he even looks at you funny this shock garter will set him straight.
And don't try taking it off because it's taped to your leg hair.
- And that really hurts.
- Oh, come now.
As gentlemen, surely we can just agree to Dear God! - Sorry.
- Fair enough.
But now that we know what it can do, there's no need to Mother! Wow.
You don't even have to point it at him.
Homer, think carefully.
Of all the people you have known, who might have reason to do you ill? Hmm.
Well, there's Mr.
Burns Fat Tony, the Emperor of Japan, ex-President Bush.
- The late Frank Grimes.
- PBS, Stephen Hawking - the fat little Dixie Chick.
- And the state of Florida.
How can one man have so many enemies? - I'm a people person.
Who drinks.
- Ah.
Homer, in order to identify your assailant I must follow you through the course of a normal day.
Just do what you usually do - and the killer will reveal himself.
- Gotcha.
- This is a normal day? - I just wanted to impress you.
Welcome to your Springfield Mardi Gras headquarters.
Cast your vote now for this year's king.
Mardi Gras, eh? Didn't last year's king have to abdicate because he married a commoner? And I'd do it again.
But I do miss the Royal Crown Cola.
Ah, yes, the Kwik-E-Mart.
I haven't been here since I robbed it dressed as Krusty.
- My one successful crime.
- You were quite the gentleman.
Today's robbers, they are all smash-and-grab.
You understood the dance.
Our time is passing, old friend.
Uh, if you two country hens are finished clucking I'd like to buy a copy of Jugs and Ammo.
Well, we've settled that argument.
You can't read a magazine and drive.
Look, Junior, I expect this to be fixed with quality GM parts.
But your car was built in Croatia.
It's made from old Soviet tanks.
Just fix it, Mr.
Sasswrench.
Homer, please.
The last thing you need is more enemies.
Right, right.
I'm counting the pennies in the ashtray.
There's two.
The trap is set.
The killer will think this dummy is you out for an evening stroll.
Now we lie in wait like hungry Cassius for noble Caesar.
You're so smart.
Shock him.
Odds Bodkins! Oh, someone's coming.
Now who's the sociopath, huh? Moe.
He's got a dark side I've never dreamed of.
Well, mystery solved.
Wait a moment.
He's hurt.
Go, go, go.
These are Homer's friends and family.
They don't want him dead.
They just want him to suffer.
Thank you, Lord.
Once I kill you, everyone will think I'm the real Homer.
Ha-ha-ha.
- None of this seems odd to you? - Meh.
- None of this seems odd to you? - Meh.
Say, Bob, how come you were never able to kill Bart? Yeah.
A kid should be real simple to kill.
I'd come up behind him with a knife and slit his throat real quick.
Guys, Bob is my only hope.
Back off and give him room to think.
Homer, if I could write haikus while skinheads beat me with soap I can concentrate anywhere.
- Oh, my God.
He's getting closer.
- Ugh.
My poor jar.
Oh, why didn't I take more photos? Memories Like the corners of my mind Here's an interesting clue.
Homer's assailant left a black smudge on the spa invitation.
This could be the breakthrough we Ha, ha.
I thought I could get it while it was in the recharger.
I was wrong.
I don't know how we ever had fun without him.
We now return to That '30s Show.
Hey, Pop, where's the crank on this Victrola? Why, it's the latest model.
From now on, the only crank in this house is your Aunt Gladys.
For your information, I'm cranky because I've got polio.
- Aww.
- Oh! Tom Shales gave this show a good review and I'm the one in prison.
Bob, I know you're enjoying fall preview week but I was wondering if you made progress towards finding Homer's killer? No, I haven't.
Go ahead, shock me.
Well, just a little one.
Homer, it's stuck.
Listen, Homer, I don't know who your killer is.
But I do know he'll strike again.
Your only hope is to stay completely out of sight.
Very well.
I am gone.
Aah! Don't look at me.
- Homer Simpson? - Right here.
You've been elected king of Mardi Gras.
Whoo-hoo! Good things do happen to bad people.
Honey, the king of Mardi Gras has to ride around on a float all day.
You'll be a sitting duck.
Marge, you're embarrassing me in front of the drag queen.
Ha, ha.
It's Mardi Gras time in Springfield.
This year's king is none other than local hothead Homer Simpson.
Long live the king.
In a related story, Homer Simpson may not have long to live.
Homer, it's a trap.
You only won because somebody stuffed the ballot box with these.
- Nonetheless, the people have spoken.
- But I'm afraid you'll get hurt.
This is a way to flush this killer out once and for all.
And get drunk on a Tuesday.
Today's Tuesday.
And you've had six beers.
But I'm not drunk.
Yeah.
The killer is out there.
I would stake my entire fortune of cigarettes on it.
Now, Bob, I know you're concerned.
But don't worry.
I have operatives working the crowd.
So, uh, you're from Tempe? I'm from Chicago.
Whoa, I'm so drunk I'm gonna puke.
You ever get that feeling, beautiful? America loves its kings, from George III to Larry.
Phew.
Just Italians.
His float's already moving.
I didn't even hear the engine start.
Yeah, it's really running quiet.
Some mechanic tuned it up before the parade.
A mechanic? My God.
That's it.
Homer, you must get off that float.
The brake line has been cut.
Oh, my God.
Attention, drunken idiots.
This is your king.
Sacrifice yourselves to slow me down.
- Oh, that's heavy.
- Aah! Hey, how about some beads? - They're not for dudes.
- That's cool.
Dad's heading straight for the Museum of Swordfish.
That museum has been nothing but trouble since it opened.
Must save buffoon.
Huh? Ha, ha.
I did it.
Wha? You saved my life.
I saved a life.
And it feels wonderful.
And yet, I could just as easily drop you to your death.
Don't be so sure.
I got my legs wrapped around your ass pretty tight.
Everything going dark.
Like Duff Stout, the beer that made Ireland famous.
I love you, Doris.
I Ooh Ooh.
We're up so high.
Where could that shot have come from? - There's your killer.
- Well, duh.
Your king needs these stilts.
- Jesus is our only king.
- Not anymore.
There he is.
Hey, I know you.
You're my mechanic, Junior.
Frank Grimes, Jr.
Frank Grimes Don't you remember? Your apelike incompetence drove my father insane.
Frank Grimes What's this? "Extremely High Voltage.
" Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp Oh, yeah.
How is old Grimey? He's dead.
Like you should be.
Whoa! Wait, Frank Grimes wasn't married.
- How could he have a son? - He happened to like hookers, okay? Dad, I figured it out! - The murderer is - We know, Frank Grimes, Jr.
Huh? Precisely.
Take him away, boys.
That's nice work, Bob.
Now give him the rhino tranqs.
If I can tranq out just one freak on stilts - I know I've done my job.
- You're living the dream, chief.
Dad, I'm really glad you're still alive.
Yeah, it's every parent's dream to outlive their children.
Good night, son Hello, Bart.
Looking for this? Now I'm going to take some advice that was given to me by Lenny and kill you without delay.
One thrust and the deed is done.
I I can't do it.
Why not? Well, I guess I've, dear God grown accustomed to your face.
I've grown accustomed to his face And dreams of gouging out his eyes I've grown accustomed to my hate My plans to lacerate To disembowel To hear him howl The very reason thatl live Is plotting how to watch him die Bart, turn down that original cast recording and go to sleep.
I know this chubby scalawag Has made my life a living hell Surely if I drank his blood I'd be at peace But well You've grown accustomed to my face - This isn't a duet.
- Sorry.
I've grown accustomed to your fear Accustomed to revenge Accustomed to Your face We shall meet again, old friend.
But now I must steal away into the night.