Family Guy s17e10 Episode Script

1 It seems today that all you see Is violence in movies and sex on TV But where are those good old-fashioned values On which we used to rely? Lucky there's a family guy Lucky there's a man who positively can do All the things that make us Laugh and cry He's a Fam ily Guy! Hey, you guys ever check Zillow? Joe, why don't you shut the Tell me more about this silly word.
It's this website, Zillow.
com.
You plug in your address, and it gives you an estimate of what your house is worth.
But they call it a Zestimate, because of the "Z" in "Zillow.
" (LAUGHS) How do they I just don't have that creative bone.
Wow, my house is way up from when I bought it.
- Mine's up, too.
- What the hell? Mine's way below what you guys's are worth.
Wait, this-this can't be right.
It says it says my house is a murder house.
What, like-like someone was killed there? Yeah, it says it says, in the '60s, some woman named Doris Billingsly died in my house.
Probably some naggy bitch, right? - Joseph! - You know, they say when someone dies violently like that, - their spirit can linger.
- What do you mean? Ea I'm saying you might have a g-g-g-g-g disembodied spirit in your house! Wow, this is so cool.
Have you ever witnessed anything strange there? Actually, now that you mention it Good news! The biopsy was negative.
Did you hear something? Hi, Chris.
Oh, hey, Kristen.
What's up? Not much.
I wanted to know if you're gonna go to the dance on Friday.
Nah, probably not.
Oh, that's too bad.
I was thinking maybe you and I could go together.
Oh, that's sweet, but, like I said, I-I don't think I'm gonna go.
Well, if you change your mind I said no! Okay.
Geez.
Bye, Chris.
Uh, Chris, that very attractive girl just asked you out, and you said no.
Well, sorry, Brian, she just doesn't do it for me.
I'm hungry.
I might grab a bite to eat.
We all just ate, right? What's wrong with that kid? Why wouldn't he go out with that girl? Who knows? Maybe he's gay.
What? No.
Well, you never know.
I say we find out.
You think he could be? Hey, I've been right about these things before.
Remember what I said in 2009? - Bruce Jenner is a man.
- No, Brian.
That's what the press would have you believe, but he's not.
Bruce Jenner is a woman.
An elegant, beautiful Dutch woman.
(THUNDER CRASHING) Okay, guys, now, the murder took place down here in the basement, so it's probably our best shot at finding something.
I do feel a presence in the air.
CLEVELAND: Only Lucifer would reveal himself to you, adulterer.
Well, now, I have to warn you fellas The only spirits I'm used to chasing are whiskey and tequila.
(LAUGHING) That's so Joe! (BOWLING PINS CLACKING) Wow, what's going on down here? Trying something new for Joe.
And we're looking for ghosts.
We're like the male version of the female Ghostbusters.
Peter, there's no such thing as ghosts.
I don't know why you guys listen to a word he says.
(CHUCKLES): That's so Lois.
(CASH REGISTER DINGS) All right, we ready? QUAGMIRE: Wow, it is creepy.
So, what do we do? PETER: Just follow my lead.
Are there any spirits present that would like to communicate with us? (THUNDER RUMBLES) - (PETER SCREAMS) - (THUMPING) QUAGMIRE: What the hell was that? I got scared and tried to run through the wall, leaving a hole shaped like me.
Yeah, can't do that in a basement, bud.
All right, fellas, I just finished up an EVP session.
Let's see if we picked anything up.
What's EVP? Electronic voice phenomenon.
Oftentimes, the human ear can't pick up paranormal sounds, but electronic recording devices can.
Mm.
That right? (PETER ON RECORDING) (PASSES GAS) (GASPS) (PASSING GAS) Is this whole thing just you beefing into the microphone? Yeah.
Dad, they did this bit in the lady Ghostbusters.
Did you hear something? Stewie, I'm telling you, there's no way Chris is gay.
Oh, why, because he never hit on you? God, the ego.
Hey, Chris.
What's up? Just relaxing, listening to some of Charles Manson's music.
What's up with you guys? Actually, Brian and I are taking a survey, and we wanted to see if you had a few minutes.
- Sure.
Go ahead.
- Okay, question one.
What night are the Tony Awards? Tony Danza has awards? Name an appropriate price to pay for jeans.
Um, five dollars? What year did Bette Midler release "You've Got to Have Friends"? Oh, 1972.
And it was fabulous! Chris, are you gay? What? No, I'm not gay.
Well, then why didn't you go out with that girl? (CHUCKLES) Why would I? I have everything I need in that department on my computer.
You have 28 windows of porn playing simultaneously? Sometimes I pretend I'm at the security desk at the mall and everyone at the mall is banging each other.
Chris, don't you see? You're so desensitized by all this porn, you're-you're not even interested in actual girls.
Wh-What are you doing? I'm taking this, and we are gonna help you start thinking about sex like a normal teenager.
A-All right, I'll give it a shot.
But it's not gonna be easy.
I had a hell of a time getting off sugar.
Chris, can you pass the syrup? Oh, you want the syrup, old man?! (GRUNTING) (SHOUTS) Yeah! (CACKLING) (LAUGHS) Yeah, nice attached head, Meg.
Body, throw potatoes.
(GRUNTS) Winner declared! Okay, guys, now, I thought we could try to find the ghost by doing the movie Flatliners.
- I've never seen it.
- Me, neither.
Oh, my God.
All right, we are stopping everything right now and watching Flatliners.
KENNY LOGGINS: I'm all right I'm glad we switched to Caddyshack.
You know what, Peter, I think I've had enough ghost hunting.
- I'm done, too.
- Yeah, I'm out.
Wait, why you leaving? Because all you do is screw around.
We've been down here for hours, and we haven't found a thing.
Well, maybe that's because you guys don't know the first thing about catching ghosts.
You know what, Lois was right.
We should just never listen to you.
Come on, guys.
I think you're all just scared.
Oh, yeah? Let's see who's scared.
What are you doing? Turn that light back on.
QUAGMIRE: Have a good night, Peter.
- (POUNDING) - PETER: Quagmire.
Help! Someone help me! Hey! Open this door! Don't leave me alone with the ghost! (PETER WHIMPERS IN DISTANCE) Help! Help! Help! Help! Help! - Help! Help! - (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) (PETER WHIMPERS) What the hell? (PETER WHIMPERS) - (GASPS) - (WHIMPERS) Peter, are you okay? I was down here all night.
So dark.
Oh, my God.
Peter, your hair.
It turned white.
What? (GASPS) Well, I'm a fat dad with white hair now.
Time to become an issue at Hooters after 9:00 p.
m.
Hey, Ashley.
Ashley.
Ashley.
I know I know what car is your car.
So, how'd you get white hair again? He was scared of a ghost.
Yes, I remember hearing about this in med school.
Or was it a Scooby-Doo? You think it's gonna stay, Dr.
Hartman? No, it's gonna be "Dr.
Ramirez" now.
I'm taking my husband's name.
I'm talking about Peter's hair.
Oh, I'm sorry.
(CHUCKLES) Wedding on the brain.
But, uh, as for the white hair, I'm afraid it's permanent.
(PHONE RINGS) Hi, sweetie.
We've discussed this.
No to the mole.
Chocolate is for cake, not chicken.
Oh, come on.
He's crying.
What do I do now? I mean, should I dye it back? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I don't know why you'd ask me that.
I mean, I-I don't know anything about that.
How does one even go about dyeing one's hair? I've never heard of anything so crazy.
Let me get that for you, Doctor.
What? Oh, no, I'm-I'm not a Morning, Doctor.
Wow, Peter, they all think you're a doctor because of your white hair.
I have to say, it does make you look more distinguished.
Really? Huh.
Well, maybe this will be a good thing after all.
Like a garbageman with no nose.
Well, this is the best job in the world! Rotting meat? What does that smell like? Oh, look, receipts.
I'll steal this person's identity.
From now on, I'm Robert Dibadeaux.
So long, stinkies! Not that I would know.
All right, Chris, it's gonna take a few steps to get you off hard-core porn.
Now, the first step is soft-core porn, where nothing really happens.
(TV CLICKS ON) Oh, wow, she is just riding that guy's belly button.
Yep, that's all we had.
And you could watch this at any time? No, just Friday at 11:45 p.
m.
And it was free? No, $45 a month.
Well, what was playing the other 200 hours per week? Uh, mostly D.
A.
R.
Y.
L.
The movie D.
A.
R.
Y.
L.
Was it any good? It was okay.
Grandpa, what are you doing here? Using the bathroom.
Where do you keep the nets that you put on the bottom of guys' balls to stop 'em from dunking in the water? - What? - What do you mean, "What?" (RHYTHMICALLY): Where do you keep the nets that you put on the bottom of guys' balls to stop them from dunking in the water? Oh, there's my silver fox.
What are you doing out here? Well, now that I've got white hair, I fix my car in slow motion in an ad for a supplemental blood thinner.
- (SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) - I took Zanbrex for over 15 years, till I learned the benefits of once-daily Sanguelto, a latest-generation blood thinner.
When I'm at a multiracial picnic for some reason, the last thing I want to do is have a stroke.
And thanks to once-daily Sanguelto, I can eat potato salad with chuckling strangers with the confidence of someone who knows he's 12% less likely to suffer a stroke recurrence.
Thanks to Sanguelto, I can snuggle with my age-appropriate wife on a blanket underneath non-holiday-related fireworks.
I left her for six weeks back in 2009, only to realize I was already too old to bed the type of women that would make such a separation worth it.
So, here we are, grinding it out till onef us has that second stroke that you don't come back from.
Thank you, Sanguelto.
What's all this? Well, a lot of kids' first foray into sex is looking at someone else's porn stash.
So, here's a stack of water-stained Playboys that I found in a locker at the town pool bathroom.
Okay, now we're talking.
(WHOOSHING) Wait.
I'm clicking on this thumbnail, but the video isn't opening.
No, that's a still image.
See, you look at them, and then your brain sort of creates a scene for you.
I don't know.
I think maybe we should try something else.
I think you should give it a shot.
I think we should all go investigate the still-unsolved murder of Doris Billingsly, who never did anything but overcook one dinner in March of 1962.
All right, I got next round.
- Hey, Tom, you okay? - She left me.
Another sign from the universe that I'll never find love.
Hey, come on, pal.
There's plenty of fish in the sea.
Wow.
You're right.
There are.
Say, you've got a way about you, a certain trustworthy quality.
You know, we've got an opening at the station for a senior analyst.
I think your white hair would be perfect for it.
Wow.
Really? What do I do? You just act like everyone else is an idiot and shout over them.
- That way, you can - Shut up! I get it! Terrific.
Hey, why don't you come down to the station tomorrow and? - I know where you work! - Again, terrific.
Wow, this is awesome.
I haven't been on TV since I had IBS on The Bachelorette.
Derek, I had such a magical weekend.
You are truly one of a kind.
(LOUD STOMACH GRUMBLING) And that's why I've decided to Excuse me.
Uh, do-do you know if I'm gonna get a rose? We're getting to that, Peter.
Derek, that's why I've decided to give you this rose.
(STOMACH GRUMBLING AND SQUEALING) Evan, getting to see your softer side was truly - (STOMACH GROWLING) - Excuse me.
I hate to be a bother, but do you do you know if I'll be receiving a rose? Because if there's, uh, further delay, I believe something's gonna happen that will put me out of contention for a rose.
(STOMACH GURGLES LOUDLY) And that thing just happened.
Farewell, and thank you for feeding me champagne and shrimp all day.
Reporting live from Quahog Prison, I'm Joe Horrigan, Channel Five News.
Thanks, Joe.
Great reporting, terrible eyes.
Switching gears now, I'd like to talk about the crime situation here in Quahog.
Joining me now is white-haired contributor Peter Griffin.
Peter, what are you hearing about crime in Quahog? Uh you know, not much.
Not much? Excuse us for one moment.
- What are you doing?! - What? I don't know anything about crime.
So? People want to know that bad stuff's going on out there.
That's why they watch the news.
- You want me to make stuff up? - I don't know.
I thought you had white hair.
- You're right, I do.
- Of course you do.
(GASPS, GIGGLES) Now, you were talking about crime? Crime is way up, and you know why? 'Cause of immigrants.
I say, as Americans, we should all take a pledge to kick 'em out.
Only pledge I stand for is Lemon Pledge.
(SQUEAKING) Peter Griffin, white hair, very credible, thank you so much.
Coming up, lost dog comes home one piece at a time.
(NEWS THEME MUSIC PLAYS) Peter, that was amazing.
I'm the news director here at Channel Five.
How would you like to do what you just did every night? Wipe a bloody booger under the desk? No, I'm asking you to join us full-time to be our permanent senior analyst.
Would you excuse me while I step into another room and celebrate like a girl in a Rom-com who just got good news? Aah! The Sanguelto! My blood's thinner than water! - (SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING) - If taking Sanguelto, please refrain from dancing like in a Rom-com, as nosebleeds may be permanent.
And remember, most drugs are prescribed to you because a hot girl with a rolling suitcase gave your doctor a free pen.
Peter, what the hell do you think you're doing? Who says you can just make things up and call them facts? Tom Tucker did.
He kissed me.
You have a responsibility as a member of the press to report the news accurately.
You can't just say crazy things that aren't in any way true.
JOE (LAUGHING): Yeah, leave that to the yahoos in D.
C.
- Did that get a "That's So Joe"? - No! Okay, well, what are the rules on that? We're still working that out.
Well, let me know when you decide on the rules.
I'm really excited about working on this.
With you guys.
Chris, welcome to the lingerie department.
What are we doing here? When I was young, seeing these half-naked mannequins was all I needed to get me going.
What's the endgame here Him walking around Macy's with a chub? No, we've got to reset his arousal meter.
He needs to be able to use his imagination again.
Any of these mannequins doing anything for you, Chris? Uh, I don't know.
I guess the one without a head is pretty cool.
All right, that's that's something.
And that bin of chopped-up ones over there that could be okay.
'Specially the one that looks kind of afraid.
There you go.
Look at you.
Sounds like someone is ready for that date.
Do you gentlemen need any help? No, thank you, dear.
We're just trying to get my brother to full mast.
We want to welcome back our new permanent senior analyst, Peter Griffin and his white hair.
What's the latest on crime in Quahog? - Tom, crime is up.
- Wow.
How high? - All the way to the top.
- Whoa.
The top.
Has it ever been all the way to the top before, Peter? Never.
In fact, we had to raise the top.
So, the new top is even higher than the old top? Yes, the old top is now the middle.
And The Middle is a show that was inexplicably on ABC for a very long time.
How many seasons? It might be, like, 11.
I'm not even kidding.
Peter Griffin, white hair, very credible, thank you so much.
Coming up, we'll tell you where to look when a person has a birthmark on their face.
So, Chris, have you weaned yourself off of Internet porn? Wait.
I thought the whole point was to not wean myself off.
No, Chris, I mean, have you stopped? Never mind.
- You ready for your date? - You bet I am! (KNOCKING) Hi, Chris.
(LAUGHING) Hi, Kristen.
Ready to see a Marvel movie, 'cause I chose? Sure.
And for sure this is a real date, and me and the popular kids aren't gonna thrill-kill you tonight.
I think Chris is gonna be just fine.
(HIGH-PITCHED BEEPING) Which is more than I can say for our pizza.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Oh, man.
Well, I hope you're happy.
You're telling lies on the news just to boost your own ego.
It's pronounced "Eggo," Lois, and I will thank you to leggo of mine.
Peter, fake news is a real problem in this country right now, and I really don't want my husband contributing to it.
Maybe you're right.
It doesn't feel good lying all the time.
I guess I just like all the attention that came along with having white hair.
Well, I don't think that's the kind of attention you want.
And it's certainly not the kind of attention I want for our family.
You know what? If it means that much to you, I'll tell Tom that I won't do it anymore.
- Really? - Really.
Oh, Peter, that makes me so happy.
(PHONE RINGING) Hello? Donald Trump?! You saw me on the news? You want me to be your press secretary in the next episode? Why, sure, I'd love to! We'll get started drawing it right away.
Lois, pack your bags.
We're joining the Trump Administration.
(GRUNTING) Just what Washington needs, huh? Another talking head.
(PETER GIGGLES) - (BOTH LAUGH) - Oh, man.
Next week on Family Guy Hey, Dad, I want you to meet my new friend, Meg.
Pleased to meet you, Meg.
You have a beautiful rack.
Oh, thanks.
I was talking to my daughter.
And now, please welcome Mr.
Bruce Jenner.
- (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) - (BURLESQUE MUSIC PLAYS) (CHEERING AND WHISTLING) (WHOOPING) Just wanted to remind you fellas what you're all fighting for.