10 O'Clock Live (2011) s02e02 Episode Script
Series 2, Episode 2
1 Welcome to 10 O'Clock Live.
It's Wednesday 15th February.
This week, President Ahmadinejad declared that in the coming days the world will witness Iran's announcement of its very important, very major nuclear achievements.
I believe that is your official four-minute warning.
Good luck.
What are we talking about this week? Charlie, you'll look at the ever-increasing crisis at The Sun? Yes, a bunch of journalists were arrested in dawn raids, which some have said is heavy-handed.
To be fair to the police, to catch The Sun you have to go in at dawn because by 11:00 it's simply too high to catch.
That's physics.
What can you do? David, you are wading into the Falklands debate.
Yes, I'll wade in and try to save Sean Penn from drowning, because he's been talking about how the Falklands, or the Malvinas as he calls them, should be Argentinian or the oil should be or something and I suspect or fear that the man may not know the first fucking thing about it.
It was good that he spoke about it.
I was wondering what Madonna's ex-husband would think.
It's good that we've got his steer.
You are going to be single-handedly fixing the NHS.
Yeah, it's got pretty serious with the NHS.
It's the worst thing to happen to the NHS since Charlie left Casualty.
Meanwhile, I'll cast an eye over the rum bunch of Republicans who are lining up to give Obama a run for his money.
First, over to Jimmy to tell us about the week so far.
Excellent.
In the news this week, fighting has continued in Syria.
If you're not sure where it is, it's in between the one we bombed, the one we invaded and the one we're about to start a war with.
Middle East, you are welcome! Fighting has intensified in Homs, the population of Homs is 74% Sunni, 12% Alawi, 9% Christian and 100% shitting themselves.
It was announced on Monday that the Greek Parliament has voted through new austerity measures.
Eurozone finance ministers are doing their best to help the Greeks, a bit like a group of kindly hyenas trying to help an injured bison.
It's the worst thing to happen to Greece Pleased you remember that bad film.
Britain is in danger of having its AAA credit rating downgraded.
If things get any worse, we may be forced to take Wales down to Cash Converters.
Sorry, it's £30 - we really need that.
Also, unemployment has risen to 2.
6 million.
On the upside, Jeremy Kyle's figures have risen to 2.
6 million.
A couple of viewers in! Hate-cleric, Abu Qatada Yeah, let's call him that.
Hate-cleric Abu Qatada has been released from jail.
It's a decision that will almost certainly blow up in Theresa May's face.
There are strict bail conditions for him.
He's only allowed out two days a day, every move is monitored and close tabs are kept on who he speaks to.
He's not being treated like a Muslim criminal, but a Muslim woman.
No? You took your time deciding on that one.
Whitney Houston passed away on Saturday.
It was sad how in the later years her persistent and appalling singing career got in the way of her God-given talent for cocaine.
Sony - her record company - has been criticised for doubling the price of her albums.
One industry insider said he couldn't comment because he was too busy running a bath for Sting.
In football, Glasgow Rangers have gone into administration.
They've been deducted ten points.
The Scottish Premiership has such strength in depth it has dropped them from second place all the way down to second place.
Toughest league in the world and no mistaking.
Racism in football also hit the headlines when Luis Suarez snubbed Patrice Evra.
But we mustn't tar all footballers with the same brush, because if we did, Suarez would not shake hands with anyone.
And that was the news.
Charlie.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Now, ever since last July's phone hacking revelations the press has been in the hot seat, most notably with the long-running Leveson Inquiry into media ethics an event so star-studded it resembled an anti-BAFTAs, featuring glamorous actress Sienna Miller, seething funnyman Steve Coogan, dreamy-eyed whore-fucker Hugh Grant and seedy tabloid ambassador Paul McMullen, best known as TV's Roland Rat.
They were there as was voice of an angel Charlotte Church and voice of one ankle Heather Mills.
All swapping light and sometimes harrowing anecdotes with this guy, your host, cuddly-faced Lord Leveson - chatty man.
The major draw was the scrap between Hugh Grant and the shadowy Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre who isn't shown on TV very often because of fears he might slither through the screen and stop your heart by whispering in Latin.
Nevertheless, here he is temporarily adopting human form to pass through our realm.
Look, here's a rare sight he touches a Bible without it bursting into flames.
Then he sits down to moan about Hugh Grant.
I don't know what it is about witty, handsome sex symbol Hugh Grant that annoys the purple-headed, fuming pepper pot Paul Dacre so much but they've been trading insults for weeks after Grant implied the Mail hacked his phone and Dacre said that was a mendacious smear.
Things seem a little bit tense between them although I've seen enough Hugh Grant movies to know how this turns out.
They don't get on at first but by the end they'll be hungrily kissing to the sound of Wet Wet Wet until Rhys Ifans comes in wearing a pair of funny pants with a mendacious smear down the arse crack.
As well as the Leveson chat show there are three separate police investigations into the press and on Saturday five Sun journalists were arrested.
Raising fears that Rupert Murdoch seen here looking like the Emperor from Star Wars on a golfing holiday might swoop in and destroy The Sun like a demon from Mayan prophecy.
But he's fond of the paper which is printed or to use the technical term, shat at News International's fancy Wapping HQ.
The Sun goes on a little funfair ride round the roller coaster, down the helter-skelter before carefully being scrutinised to make sure it contains as much bullshit as possible.
Among the usual hate and tits Monday's Sun also included a powerful column by Fleet Street legend Trevor Kavanagh, in which he thundered that Sun journalists were being subjected to a witch-hunt.
Some say it's rich of The Sun to complain about witch-hunts because it has conducted plenty of them itself but that's really not fair.
It's never once conducted a witch-hunt against actual witches.
I mean, OK, it has picked on one or two other groups like social workers, women in burkas, left-wingers, suburban swingers, binge drinkers, forward-thinkers, gypsies, shirkers, public sector workers, underage mums, overage mums, spongers who sit around twiddling their thumbs, anyone who's had a fight, anyone with cellulite, looters, saggy hooters, feminists, Leninists, sadists who take the piss, so-called expert boffins, the escorts who let Frank Bough in, anyone caught cheating, Angus Deayton, the England squad, the goalie's hands, the manager, the Hillsborough fans, speed cameras, reckless drivers, snotty jobsworths, feckless skivers, trendy vicars wearing knickers, lezzers, benders, the cast of EastEnders, Leslie Grantham, foreigners who can't sing the national anthem, the French, the Portuguese, the Krauts, the MEPs, Argentina, Polish cleaners, anyone who lives in Spain or starts a human rights campaign, geeks, freaks, crackers, hackers, killjoys, pillocks, Tory-boys, Kinnocks, moaners, miners, former men with new vaginas, the local hoodie, Jade Goody, jailbirds, nerds, troubled songbirds, long words, and cheating turds on disability benefits who don't seem quite disabled enough for their liking.
And Chris Jeffries, Russell Harty, members of the Green Party anyone who says recycle, wayward superstar George Michael, Channel Four, ITV, Channel Five, the BBC, over-eaters, asylum-seekers, especially if they snuck into Britain using any kind of vessel, Katie Waissel, Katie Waissel's prozzie gran, Iran, Emperor Hirohito of Japan, zealous coppers, wife-swappers, bureaucrats, Eurocrats, nonexistent feral cats, an innocent man called Robert Murat, the cast of The Only Way Is Essex, the Leveson Inquiry Into Media Ethics, and the occasional supermodel bitches.
But never, ever witches.
Unless Unless, that is, you count all the times they've had a go at bloody witches.
Lauren.
That was like a lovely poem about the post.
That's as close as I get to rap.
For now! As Charlie's been telling us, there's been a lot of speculation about whether The Sun will survive.
So we'll look at how the paper has been covering the big stories to see what we would be missing out on.
On Monday, the first nine pages were devoted to the coverage of Whitney Houston's death and this was today's astonishing front page.
"Whitney's Death Bath.
" That is horrible.
That's a gravy boat in there as well.
Is there a gravy boat in the bath? That's just in case They know the bath isn't the suspect? They're reporting it like maybe the bath is responsible.
Actually, they did blame the death on quite an unlikely suspect, Arsenal midfielder Aaron Ramsey.
Did he run the bath? I don't think hotel rooms should have death baths.
Call me a traditionalist.
Look at this - "Aaron Ramsey in goal link to Whitney death.
" Apparently, every time the midfielder scores, a famous figure dies.
Apparently, this is his fourth.
He scores? He scores a goal.
Specifically a goal.
OK, all right.
So far So not that many celebrities are dying.
How hard is he kicking the balls? He has done Bin Laden, Steve Jobs, Gaddafi and now Whitney.
David, I suspect there may be other causal factors.
As someone who did Statistics A-level, I would have to say that correlation is not causation.
But, it needs further investigation.
The thing that worries me about it, the bad thing about it, it's not that maybe he's causing the deaths of celebrities, but what happens when his football career ends? Will celebrities cease to die? Is this the Twilight Zone? That's a good idea.
Immortality of the famous? That's not something we want to see.
Look at Bruce Forsyth.
I was just going to say! It's a great example of a Sun story where they have taken something horrible.
No-one felt badly towards Whitney Houston.
Very talented lady dies horribly and they've managed to make that fun.
To find an angle that makes it a little bit fun and light-hearted in the nine pages of coverage.
It's to their credit.
A lot of people take a story like that in a newspaper and it's easy to take the piss out of it, but, obviously, The Sun is joking.
Very few people reading it won't take it as a joke.
It has lots of jokes.
With the really grim stuff in life they try to find a funny angle.
Which they did with the other story of the week - Abu Qatada.
They launched the Kick Out Qatada petition, which had this neat little badge.
Look at this.
They've even offered to pay his air fare back to Jordan and mocked up what his booking confirmation might look like.
I just question whether we want to put him near an airport.
This is like a classic Sun treatment of a complex and tricky story.
Yeah.
Today, they had a good piece on domestic violence.
It's not Handy tips? No, opposite to that.
Terrible tips.
It's been strange.
Obviously as a sort of hessian-licking Guardianista, I'm supposed to want The Sun to die but that is at odds with my stance on capital punishment.
It has an odd mode of language It's not the same when a business goes When Woolworths went out of business it wasn't the same as Anne Boleyn dying.
Not to you, but to kids who miss their pick and mix, you bastard.
It has a neat turn of phrase, but it's curiously outmoded with all the use of phrases like romp and tot.
No-one ever uses it.
It's always tragic tot, people trouser money.
No-one has eversaid anything in The Sun.
They boasted or claimed.
A lot of romping happens.
Definitely.
It's kind of tabloid-ese.
I had a lady perform a lewd sex act on me.
Terrible.
No-one has ever said that.
"She performed a lewd sex act.
" What?! Did she? Mid-romp! The way you said that was powerfully erotic.
Would you miss it if it went? It's always going to be bad when a newspaper closes.
There aren't enough.
You can't have our political system, our world, famous people It can't be a bad thing if there are lots of different institutions scrutinising them.
It shouldn't break the law or lie, but it's bad if it closes.
When you look at the other tabs, it is just the best.
It's the best one.
They get so much of it right.
No-one seems to say this in its favour they have naked breasts on page three - tremendous boon.
If you're offended by that, Lauren You are not a big fan of page three, but if when you look at it you imagine there's a bra thief, and they're reporting on it.
It's just more evidence.
A little bit better.
OK.
Everyone's second favourite Muslim hate preacher Abu Qatada is currently back under virtual house arrest.
But what is life like for a cooped-up cleric? He was keen to welcome in our cameras and show us round his crib.
Hi! Welcome.
I'm Abu Qatada.
This is my crib.
Let's do this.
This is where the magic happens.
Take a look around.
Go anywhere you like.
Hey! No, not in here.
Through there.
Coming down the stairs now and this is Detective Inspector Jessop from Special Branch.
Hello.
This is my scale model of the Olympic Stadium.
This is what it looked like before and this is after.
I hope you enjoyed looking around my crib.
Keep it real, Channel 4.
Oh, stay away from the Olympics, July 27th.
Andrew Lansley's bill to restructure the NHS has come under attack this week, but if it scrapes through into law, how will things change? With us tonight is a top GP who's conducting his own trial of the new, efficient frontline services.
Ugh, I think I might be sick! Come in, sit down, pop your top off, and let me tell you about Andrew Lansley's new, streamlined NHS.
Sorry about that.
People worry that patients will suffer, but of course they won't.
They'll be dead.
Not you, obviously.
You're going to be fine.
I've just got to faff around a little bit.
Nurse, scalpel.
Fine.
I'll just have a little That's Right.
No good.
That's meant to happen.
Don't worry about that.
Don't bleed everywhere, mate, because this doesn't get cleaned again till March.
As David Cameron says, the new health bill is all about introducing choice.
It's a choice between dying on a trolley in an unheated corridor or catching MRSA off a dirty nurse.
No offence, love.
Hang on a second.
That's I'm pretty sure that's Oh, that's.
That's a liver.
Liver's a bit like the appendix.
No-one knows what it does.
You don't need it.
Doctor, was that a dog? You mean, was that an out-sourced primary care tissue disposal executive? Yes, it was.
Good boy, Mr Wriggles! Where was I? I really wish we hadn't used real blood.
Hang on, I've got to get this, it's one of my private patients.
Oh, it's from America.
Hello? Just take about 25 of the white pills and then have a drink and try and relax in a bath, yeah.
But make sure you don't She's hung up.
What a lovely voice.
Now, in the new NHS, GPs will be taking control of our own budget.
Sure, it'll mean a little extra paperwork, but that's nothing we can't handle.
Nurse, paperwork.
That's quite a lot of paperwork.
I'll pop that in there, for now.
That's meant to happen, by the way.
You've got plenty of that in there.
There's loads.
Why's he rocking out, nurse? Doctor, he's dead.
Right.
Good, that's another example of increasing efficiencies in the NHS.
I've killed this patient in a record 85 seconds.
Best of all, thanks to David Cameron and our new corporate links, there's no waste.
This operation was sponsored by Ginsters Pasties.
Fire up the grinder! Next patient, please! Now, with Europe in meltdown, it's easy to forget that the race for the American presidency is hotting up.
Obama has struggled in the polls, and, come November, there could well be a Republican in the White House.
But which Republican? A weird one.
Let's meet the contenders in Candidate number one of three is Mitt Romney.
Where is he? There he is.
Lovely.
He's the one with all the cash.
Mitt is minted.
He's worth a cool ?250 million, but recently admitted he paid only 13.
9% tax.
Crafty.
Mitt is also a proud Mormon.
He thinks being a Mormon is so awesome that he converted his father-in-law to the religion.
Which would have been less weird if his father-in-law hadn't been dead.
Actually dead.
It's the thing.
Mitt also has other skills, one of which rival candidate, Newt Gingrich, finds particularly distasteful, as you'll see in this extraordinary campaign attack ad.
Massachusetts moderate, Mitt Romney.
He'll say anything to win.
Anything.
And, just like John Kerry, he speaks French, too.
Bonjour! Yeah? Damn straight.
Being a gazillionaire who pays hardly any tax and posthumously converts family members to their bizarro religion is one thing, but speaking French?! You sick bastard! Moving on to number two, Newt Gingrich.
He's the one who's obsessed with the moon.
If elected, Newt has promised to build a permanent base on the moon.
Previous policies of Newt's include treating taxpayers to space shuttle rides and solving the pesky problem of street lighting on Earth by placing giant mirrors on the moon.
All novel and delightfully whimsical ideas, Newt.
Although, dare I say it, a little bit moon-based.
Candidate number three is Rick Santorum.
He's the one whose election will herald the end of civilisation.
Rick's got some pretty strong - and by strong, I mean wrong - views.
For starters, he's anti-gay, although, as he says, "That's not to pick on homosexuality.
"It's not man on child, or man on dog or whatever.
" Good to know that in Rick's view, fucking kids and dogs is worse than being gay, if only just.
Unsurprisingly, Rick feels that gay men shouldn't serve in the US army because, "They're in close quarters, they live with people, "they obviously shower with people.
" Yeah, Rick, we're with you.
Whenever we think of the army, the first thing that pops into our heads are those long, hot, gay showers! Rather than, say, war.
So there you have it.
Your three potential presidents.
Good luck, America! Well, American politics is often accused of being just about image, but closer to home, is it really any different for our politicians? Yesterday, in a constitutionally momentous development, Adam Boulton from Sky News revealed his annual list of the Top 10 most fanciable MPs.
Top of this list were Zac Goldsmith and Luciana Berger.
Let's have a look at them.
Yeah, you would, wouldn't you? Surprisingly, my favourite didn't make the list, Eric Pickles.
I just like an oviform man.
And look at that thumb! I mean, they're only really sexy by the standards of MPs.
And Westminster isn't Milan Fashion Week.
Are you all right there? I've got a lot of blood in my ear.
Let's try and move on.
Picking the sexiest MP is like picking the sexiest body after an airship disaster.
As long as it's still got a bit of face, it's in your top ten airship disaster totty.
I don't know whether sexy is the right term.
Charisma is what you look for in a leader.
Cos the best leader ever - Winston Churchill? I like a man in a onesie.
Again.
Ed Miliband notoriously has image problems.
The Today programme recently caused a bit of outrage.
There he is! I don't think He looks like a nice man.
I don't think that picture has been picked with his best interests at heart.
I don't think his office was consulted, and said, "We insist on one where he's got his teeth out.
" He looks like he's just waiting to catch a tangerine.
The Today programme, leaving the picture aside, they recently caused outrage by implying that Ed was too ugly to be Labour leader.
What do you think, David? Awww! Well He's not a little duckling.
He's meant to be leading our country.
Or trying.
I don't think he's ugly.
I think he looks sort of normal, but I think there's an awkwardness in his manner and the problem is that the awkwardness in his manner is only going to be intensified by people saying how awkward his manner is.
The terrible thing is he looks self-conscious and now he's going to be even more self-conscious.
It's tricky.
David Cameron is pretty slick, but apparently he's just as worried about his image.
That's why he's been courting female votes, and recently did an interview with Now magazine.
How do you think they publicised that? They put him on the front cover with abs.
No, they did not.
They did not mention it.
However - this is the cover, not on there but the interview is within, so I'm going to test you on some of the things that he revealed to make himself seem like a bit of a cool dude.
No buzzers, no prizes.
I'm not good on magazines.
Is Now magazine a cool magazine? You're amazing.
You're like something from Quantum Leap that's just arrived here from the 1890s in a contraption that you built in your shed.
The contraption in my shed will not work! "I can't get back home!" I was going to say It also explains the beard! If you want to drop a dress size denim, a pair of silver jeans I mean, it's maybe not the ideal publication for you.
It's what I'm wearing under the table.
It's probably It's not cool dude so much as dentist waiting room? It's maybe the grey shaded area in the Venn diagram between those two.
It's just waiting to die in your lunch hour.
That's what it is.
Oh, God.
OK, listen Let's quiz it up.
Let's quiz it.
OK.
So, in the interview in this magazine, he revealed the most memorable 24 hours of his life.
When do you think that was? I would say that would be the previous 24 hours to the interview.
Literally, they were in the forefront of his mind.
It's not the correct answer.
Don't tell me he went for something crowd pleasing, like something to do with his wife or honeymoon.
He said, "Probably getting married and the first night of my honeymoon.
"I can still remember it pretty much minute by minute.
" That's a bit like saying, "That's all in the bank, love.
" Has he got it on tape? TMI.
Actually, also, the honeymoon sex implication aside, a wedding, is that supposed to be the most fun 24 hours of your life? Isn't it supposed to be what it represents? It's the ceremony.
It might be a bit stressful, the day, and you might be a bit worried, but not for Cameron, it's just fun, fun, fun.
Charlie, you might like this.
It's a gaming question.
What is his favourite iPad game? Skimming it at his butler's head? What's the one where you get to beat up the prostitutes? Grand Theft Auto? That's a gross misrepresentation of a very fine video game.
I didn't mean to cause offence.
It's the only time I've got genuinely angry on this show.
The most vexed you've ever been.
OK, let's just calm this down, and say it is Angry Birds, which you might like to know he's finished.
Have you finished it? No, and I don't run anything! It takes ages! He also likes Fruit Ninja, apparently.
What even is that? What is a Fruit Ninja? You swipe and Basically, for most people it's a fun diversion.
For a Prime Minister, it's a waste of fucking time.
Not what he says.
It's not what he told Now magazine.
He said, "It's quite good to get your frustration out.
"If you can't have a reshuffle, play Fruit Ninja.
" Advice that will echo down the ages.
OK, just before we go to the break, movie news.
This week, Meryl Streep won a BAFTA for her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher.
They are hoping to repeat the success with the life story of another British political heavyweight.
Here's a sneak peek at the trailer.
From the producer of The Iron Lady and the second deputy assistant wardrobe designer from Billy Elliott, comes this summer's political blockbuster.
Ed Miliband was faced with leading the opposition, but all he wanted to do was Look, guys.
I don't care about the national debt, I just care about the pirouette.
Dance.
In a world of movers and shakers, he just wanted to move and shake.
The coalition is making cuts everywhere.
Everyone hates them, but we're still lower in the polls.
The only thing that concerns me is dance.
Lead, Eddie.
Come on, show me you can lead.
But I don't know how to lead.
Join the triumph of the dream, that bored everyone it touched.
I tell you, I could lead.
I will lead on the dancefloor.
If you only see one film this year Go, Eddie, go! Then I'd recommend you see The Artist.
It's brilliant.
I've seen it twice.
Eddie Miliband.
So.
The Falklands.
Sean Penn, who has both won an Oscarandslept with Madonna but not on the same evening, unlike me.
Citation needed has been cosying up to the Argentinians.
Here he is looking statesmanlike on Sky.
I think that the world today is not going to tolerate any kind of ludicrous and archaic commitment to colonialist ideology, and yet there are clearly nuances of negotiations that have to be beneficial and understood between both parties.
Sometimes a piece of rhetoric goes straight into the history books.
"There are clearly nuances of negotiations "that have to be beneficial and understood between both parties.
" It's as memorable as some terms and conditions, and as meaningful as a Valentine's card from your local kebab shop.
But is Britain ludicrous and archaic? No, hang on, that's too easy.
Of course it is.
Is Britain being ludicrous and archaic aboutthis? The Falklands' 3,000 inhabitants say they're British.
How do they know? Sean Penn will have noticed that they're considerably closer to Buenos Aires than to Shrewsbury.
Surely that settles the matter? With me to discuss the last bastion of the British Empire are vice president of the Stop The War coalition, George Galloway, who's apparently a friend of Sean Penn's, and journalist, Hugo Rifkind, who isn't.
Thank you both for coming.
George, tell me, have you met Madonna? No, no, sorry, I mean do you think Sean Penn's embarrassed himself here? Not at all.
Actually, what he was saying is shared by virtually every country in the world.
I don't know if you know that every Latin American country backs Argentina's claim to the islands, the vast majority of the countries of the United Nations do, so it's us that's, kind of, out of step on this.
But I take your point, he wasn't particularly eloquent there.
But the thing I worry about here, though, is that, you know, I like him, he's a liberal guy, he takes the alternative view on a lot of things, but I worry that, with the Falklands, what he's done is, he doesn't know much about it, the islands, they look like they're near Argentina.
He sort of thinks, "Well, South American countries, "they're cooler and a bit more relaxed "than imperialist western countries like Britain.
" And so he took the side on that basis rather than knowing the first thing about it.
They look like they're closer to Argentina because they are.
Considerably closer.
That's not always the reason why a place should be governed by a certain country.
No, it's not but they are on the Argentine coastal shelf, Britain did take these islands and did settle our people on it, along with the penguins and the sheep.
We settled the penguins? Yeah.
We attracted them, believe me, we fed them.
And the idea that, in the 21st century, we can indefinitely hang on to a colonial possession 8,000 miles away is fanciful to most people in the world, if not to everyone in Britain.
The reality is, if the Argentines were to make life difficult for us, we'd have to end up supplying these people from here.
They could ban all shipping, they could ban all aviation, they could ban all trade that was going in there from then going in to Latin American ports.
You know, Latin America's a really important place and we don't want to lose friends and alienate people all over the world, surely.
Hugo, what do you say to that? As far as I'm concerned, this one's really simple.
We're pretty good at post-colonial guilt in Britain.
Lots of us still secretly feel quite guilty about the Elgin Marbles, but not this one.
This one's really easy.
Britain has controlled the Falkland Islands for the best part of 200 years.
The reason we still control the Falklands Islands is cos the people who live there want to be British.
That matters.
Now, you might say it's a strange historical anomaly that you've got a British community in the South Atlantic, you might say that's the result of colonialism, but so's Argentina.
It's a country founded by Spanish people who moved there and killed everybody, so why they feel that gives them a greater moral right over the Falklands than Britain, I fail to understand.
Enlighten me, George.
I will.
Er, the The proximity of the islands to the Argentine coast The islands are as far away from Buenos Aires as Lisbon is from London.
Well Argentina also claims South Georgia, which is as far away from Buenos Aires as Benghazi is from London.
You invited me to enlighten you All right.
I reckon they're a long way from Argentina, they're definitely a longer way from here.
Much longer, and the Argentines claim them and all the Latin American countries back them, and the vast majority of countries in the world back them, for this reason - that you cannot transplant, at the time of the Falklands War, by the way, 2,000 of your own settlers and put them on a piece of vacant territory and then claim that you have sovereignty forever over that Sovereignty If these people want to be British, there are two solutions.
We can give them all a million pounds each and settle them in the Yorkshire Moors and we'll be quids in.
Well Do the maths.
It has cost us billions.
I dread to think how that will affect building regulations.
Here's the second solution, and I could negotiate that with the delectable president of Argentina, Cristina.
Look, your attempts to shag the president of Argentina You deliberately didn't show her picture because it would have been a winning card for me.
She's too sexy to disagree with! We could negotiate with her that the people remain British, if they want to be British, but that the territory belongs to Argentina.
But then we'd lose the oil, you moron! There's oil under those people! Ah, so that's what it's about.
Who'd have thunk it! Well, the thing is this.
There are 3,000 people there, they want to be British, They've been there for ages, George, this is not a recent thing.
Sure, they can continue to be British.
They've been there for generations, that means they have self-determination, and, do you know, bonus, they're on loads of oil! Hooray! Nations have self-determination.
2,000 settlers do not have self-determination.
But they're not settlers, their ancestors were.
As far as I'm concerned, this works like squatter's rights.
You have a house for 25 years, it's yours.
They've had it for two centuries.
What a surprise for a Tory to be backing squatters' rights.
Why do you think I'm a Tory? Oh, well, sorry.
I know he's too nice to be a Tory, but OK.
No, look, the reality is that the issue can be resolved.
The profits from the oil can be shared, the sovereignty of the land can be shared, the people can keep their British passports.
But I don't understand why we should share it when all the people who live there are British, and so, at the moment we have all the oil, they want to negotiate.
Isn't it better just to say no? Would you want it? I mean, the Tory government and the Labour government in the 1970s and '80s, before the fascist junta invaded the Falklands, and I supported the war, perhaps unwisely, on the basis that these British passport-holders, the government had a responsibility to protect them, to come to their aid when these fascist junta forces attacked them, but that's no the case any more.
Argentina's a democratic country, we have to get along with people in emerging markets, like Brazil, for example, one of the most important new markets in the world.
Do we want everybody to hate us over a little group of rocks that we could negotiate a solution over? So we force these people, to either leave where they've lived for generations or be part of a country they don't want to be a part of in order to curry favour, for trade reasons, with South American countries? Surely that's Argentinian imperialism.
That's what diplomacy is about.
It's about finding negotiated solutions with people who have claims which are regarded by the rest of the world as considerably stronger than our claim.
The rest of the world just hasn't thought about this.
The position you're advocating makes sense in some cases.
It made sense in, say, Hong Kong, because there were lots of people there, it was Too many Chinese to fight.
Exactly, and more to the point, they wanted to be Chinese.
There were Chinese people living in Hong Kong.
There's British people living there.
It's not that close to Argentina.
They have no case at all.
In that case, now you come from an eminent legal family, why don't we place this matter before the United Nations and let them adjudicate on it? I know why Britain has offered several times to place it before the United Nations and Argentina said no.
That's not so, and what Well, that is so.
What the lovely Cristina is saying Google it, George.
As you know, Googling's not my strong point or I wouldn't have been here.
I thought this was Newsnight.
Till I heard the swearing.
Yes, no, this is Newsnight, but you can say "fuck".
Which we think is the ideal for Well, from my point of view, I think the people there 2,000 people, that's enough to have rights of self-determination.
Nether Wallop is bigger than the population of the Falklands.
Well, there is no oil under Nether Wallop.
With that, I'm afraid, we have to leave it.
Thank you very much, George Galloway and Hugo Rifkind.
Welcome back to 10 O'Clock Live.
Time to look at some more stories that caught our eye this week.
First up, David Cameron today announced plans for drunk tanks and booze buses to deal with drunks on Britain's streets.
Sounds amazing, doesn't it? Drunk Tank sounds like a brilliant Irish theme bar! "Let's go to the Drunk Tank.
But how will we get there? "The Booze Bus!" Weh-hey! If you're on the booze bus, why bother going to the drunk tank? Just drive round and round in the booze bus! You get a view on which to be sick.
If the drunk tank was just like a really big bouncy castle, that's the interior of it, and you push everybody in.
Nothing bad can happen here.
Is the drunk tank not a tank? Driven by drunks? That would be much better.
That would be spectacular.
The drunk tank versus the booze bus.
I'd watch that.
It'd be like Mad Max at Wembley Arena.
Super Furry Animals had a tank for a bit, which was a bit like that.
But no, drunk tanks are cells to house drunk people overnight until they're sober.
He's saying this is a good idea? Because I think we have this system currently in operation.
Premier Inn? Booze buses are vehicles staffed with paramedics to help drunk people in the street.
We're rebranding ambulances? Vehicles with paramedics, that's an ambulance! "Why don't we call it a booze bus?" There are so many drunks that they need their own infrastructure to take care of them? Is that what's happening? What if you get a disease, some sort of illness that's not booze-related? Will the booze bus come and they'd go, "It's disgraceful that you're using up the booze bus.
"This is for people who've drunk vodka for hours, "not you with your "heart attack"!" Will its siren be slightly woozy? Let's look at tomorrow's headlines.
Anything interesting? I've got Go on.
Well, on the front of The Independent, I don't know if anyone saw this? It's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who was today live on television, operating a nuclear reactor! It was basically the most extreme episode of The Cube ever! It's done in the style of The Independent, a cartoon with pictures telling the story and then it ends with World War III.
I like it! You thought The Sun made things jolly - look at that! It's like a cartoon! I've got the Queen, she "rides in to rescue the beleaguered church.
" So that's him saying, "We're not irrelevant, "the Queen thinks we're great!" There's an irony there.
David, you've got The Express? The Express have gone with how Miranda has stolen the hearts of the nation.
Which is a big news story.
Apparently she made off with 4,000 replacement hearts in a van.
Which is a disgrace.
She seemed so nice! Yes, I know.
But no, she steals organs.
That's all we have time for tonight.
We'll see you next week.
Good night.
It's Wednesday 15th February.
This week, President Ahmadinejad declared that in the coming days the world will witness Iran's announcement of its very important, very major nuclear achievements.
I believe that is your official four-minute warning.
Good luck.
What are we talking about this week? Charlie, you'll look at the ever-increasing crisis at The Sun? Yes, a bunch of journalists were arrested in dawn raids, which some have said is heavy-handed.
To be fair to the police, to catch The Sun you have to go in at dawn because by 11:00 it's simply too high to catch.
That's physics.
What can you do? David, you are wading into the Falklands debate.
Yes, I'll wade in and try to save Sean Penn from drowning, because he's been talking about how the Falklands, or the Malvinas as he calls them, should be Argentinian or the oil should be or something and I suspect or fear that the man may not know the first fucking thing about it.
It was good that he spoke about it.
I was wondering what Madonna's ex-husband would think.
It's good that we've got his steer.
You are going to be single-handedly fixing the NHS.
Yeah, it's got pretty serious with the NHS.
It's the worst thing to happen to the NHS since Charlie left Casualty.
Meanwhile, I'll cast an eye over the rum bunch of Republicans who are lining up to give Obama a run for his money.
First, over to Jimmy to tell us about the week so far.
Excellent.
In the news this week, fighting has continued in Syria.
If you're not sure where it is, it's in between the one we bombed, the one we invaded and the one we're about to start a war with.
Middle East, you are welcome! Fighting has intensified in Homs, the population of Homs is 74% Sunni, 12% Alawi, 9% Christian and 100% shitting themselves.
It was announced on Monday that the Greek Parliament has voted through new austerity measures.
Eurozone finance ministers are doing their best to help the Greeks, a bit like a group of kindly hyenas trying to help an injured bison.
It's the worst thing to happen to Greece Pleased you remember that bad film.
Britain is in danger of having its AAA credit rating downgraded.
If things get any worse, we may be forced to take Wales down to Cash Converters.
Sorry, it's £30 - we really need that.
Also, unemployment has risen to 2.
6 million.
On the upside, Jeremy Kyle's figures have risen to 2.
6 million.
A couple of viewers in! Hate-cleric, Abu Qatada Yeah, let's call him that.
Hate-cleric Abu Qatada has been released from jail.
It's a decision that will almost certainly blow up in Theresa May's face.
There are strict bail conditions for him.
He's only allowed out two days a day, every move is monitored and close tabs are kept on who he speaks to.
He's not being treated like a Muslim criminal, but a Muslim woman.
No? You took your time deciding on that one.
Whitney Houston passed away on Saturday.
It was sad how in the later years her persistent and appalling singing career got in the way of her God-given talent for cocaine.
Sony - her record company - has been criticised for doubling the price of her albums.
One industry insider said he couldn't comment because he was too busy running a bath for Sting.
In football, Glasgow Rangers have gone into administration.
They've been deducted ten points.
The Scottish Premiership has such strength in depth it has dropped them from second place all the way down to second place.
Toughest league in the world and no mistaking.
Racism in football also hit the headlines when Luis Suarez snubbed Patrice Evra.
But we mustn't tar all footballers with the same brush, because if we did, Suarez would not shake hands with anyone.
And that was the news.
Charlie.
Thank you, Jimmy.
Now, ever since last July's phone hacking revelations the press has been in the hot seat, most notably with the long-running Leveson Inquiry into media ethics an event so star-studded it resembled an anti-BAFTAs, featuring glamorous actress Sienna Miller, seething funnyman Steve Coogan, dreamy-eyed whore-fucker Hugh Grant and seedy tabloid ambassador Paul McMullen, best known as TV's Roland Rat.
They were there as was voice of an angel Charlotte Church and voice of one ankle Heather Mills.
All swapping light and sometimes harrowing anecdotes with this guy, your host, cuddly-faced Lord Leveson - chatty man.
The major draw was the scrap between Hugh Grant and the shadowy Daily Mail editor Paul Dacre who isn't shown on TV very often because of fears he might slither through the screen and stop your heart by whispering in Latin.
Nevertheless, here he is temporarily adopting human form to pass through our realm.
Look, here's a rare sight he touches a Bible without it bursting into flames.
Then he sits down to moan about Hugh Grant.
I don't know what it is about witty, handsome sex symbol Hugh Grant that annoys the purple-headed, fuming pepper pot Paul Dacre so much but they've been trading insults for weeks after Grant implied the Mail hacked his phone and Dacre said that was a mendacious smear.
Things seem a little bit tense between them although I've seen enough Hugh Grant movies to know how this turns out.
They don't get on at first but by the end they'll be hungrily kissing to the sound of Wet Wet Wet until Rhys Ifans comes in wearing a pair of funny pants with a mendacious smear down the arse crack.
As well as the Leveson chat show there are three separate police investigations into the press and on Saturday five Sun journalists were arrested.
Raising fears that Rupert Murdoch seen here looking like the Emperor from Star Wars on a golfing holiday might swoop in and destroy The Sun like a demon from Mayan prophecy.
But he's fond of the paper which is printed or to use the technical term, shat at News International's fancy Wapping HQ.
The Sun goes on a little funfair ride round the roller coaster, down the helter-skelter before carefully being scrutinised to make sure it contains as much bullshit as possible.
Among the usual hate and tits Monday's Sun also included a powerful column by Fleet Street legend Trevor Kavanagh, in which he thundered that Sun journalists were being subjected to a witch-hunt.
Some say it's rich of The Sun to complain about witch-hunts because it has conducted plenty of them itself but that's really not fair.
It's never once conducted a witch-hunt against actual witches.
I mean, OK, it has picked on one or two other groups like social workers, women in burkas, left-wingers, suburban swingers, binge drinkers, forward-thinkers, gypsies, shirkers, public sector workers, underage mums, overage mums, spongers who sit around twiddling their thumbs, anyone who's had a fight, anyone with cellulite, looters, saggy hooters, feminists, Leninists, sadists who take the piss, so-called expert boffins, the escorts who let Frank Bough in, anyone caught cheating, Angus Deayton, the England squad, the goalie's hands, the manager, the Hillsborough fans, speed cameras, reckless drivers, snotty jobsworths, feckless skivers, trendy vicars wearing knickers, lezzers, benders, the cast of EastEnders, Leslie Grantham, foreigners who can't sing the national anthem, the French, the Portuguese, the Krauts, the MEPs, Argentina, Polish cleaners, anyone who lives in Spain or starts a human rights campaign, geeks, freaks, crackers, hackers, killjoys, pillocks, Tory-boys, Kinnocks, moaners, miners, former men with new vaginas, the local hoodie, Jade Goody, jailbirds, nerds, troubled songbirds, long words, and cheating turds on disability benefits who don't seem quite disabled enough for their liking.
And Chris Jeffries, Russell Harty, members of the Green Party anyone who says recycle, wayward superstar George Michael, Channel Four, ITV, Channel Five, the BBC, over-eaters, asylum-seekers, especially if they snuck into Britain using any kind of vessel, Katie Waissel, Katie Waissel's prozzie gran, Iran, Emperor Hirohito of Japan, zealous coppers, wife-swappers, bureaucrats, Eurocrats, nonexistent feral cats, an innocent man called Robert Murat, the cast of The Only Way Is Essex, the Leveson Inquiry Into Media Ethics, and the occasional supermodel bitches.
But never, ever witches.
Unless Unless, that is, you count all the times they've had a go at bloody witches.
Lauren.
That was like a lovely poem about the post.
That's as close as I get to rap.
For now! As Charlie's been telling us, there's been a lot of speculation about whether The Sun will survive.
So we'll look at how the paper has been covering the big stories to see what we would be missing out on.
On Monday, the first nine pages were devoted to the coverage of Whitney Houston's death and this was today's astonishing front page.
"Whitney's Death Bath.
" That is horrible.
That's a gravy boat in there as well.
Is there a gravy boat in the bath? That's just in case They know the bath isn't the suspect? They're reporting it like maybe the bath is responsible.
Actually, they did blame the death on quite an unlikely suspect, Arsenal midfielder Aaron Ramsey.
Did he run the bath? I don't think hotel rooms should have death baths.
Call me a traditionalist.
Look at this - "Aaron Ramsey in goal link to Whitney death.
" Apparently, every time the midfielder scores, a famous figure dies.
Apparently, this is his fourth.
He scores? He scores a goal.
Specifically a goal.
OK, all right.
So far So not that many celebrities are dying.
How hard is he kicking the balls? He has done Bin Laden, Steve Jobs, Gaddafi and now Whitney.
David, I suspect there may be other causal factors.
As someone who did Statistics A-level, I would have to say that correlation is not causation.
But, it needs further investigation.
The thing that worries me about it, the bad thing about it, it's not that maybe he's causing the deaths of celebrities, but what happens when his football career ends? Will celebrities cease to die? Is this the Twilight Zone? That's a good idea.
Immortality of the famous? That's not something we want to see.
Look at Bruce Forsyth.
I was just going to say! It's a great example of a Sun story where they have taken something horrible.
No-one felt badly towards Whitney Houston.
Very talented lady dies horribly and they've managed to make that fun.
To find an angle that makes it a little bit fun and light-hearted in the nine pages of coverage.
It's to their credit.
A lot of people take a story like that in a newspaper and it's easy to take the piss out of it, but, obviously, The Sun is joking.
Very few people reading it won't take it as a joke.
It has lots of jokes.
With the really grim stuff in life they try to find a funny angle.
Which they did with the other story of the week - Abu Qatada.
They launched the Kick Out Qatada petition, which had this neat little badge.
Look at this.
They've even offered to pay his air fare back to Jordan and mocked up what his booking confirmation might look like.
I just question whether we want to put him near an airport.
This is like a classic Sun treatment of a complex and tricky story.
Yeah.
Today, they had a good piece on domestic violence.
It's not Handy tips? No, opposite to that.
Terrible tips.
It's been strange.
Obviously as a sort of hessian-licking Guardianista, I'm supposed to want The Sun to die but that is at odds with my stance on capital punishment.
It has an odd mode of language It's not the same when a business goes When Woolworths went out of business it wasn't the same as Anne Boleyn dying.
Not to you, but to kids who miss their pick and mix, you bastard.
It has a neat turn of phrase, but it's curiously outmoded with all the use of phrases like romp and tot.
No-one ever uses it.
It's always tragic tot, people trouser money.
No-one has eversaid anything in The Sun.
They boasted or claimed.
A lot of romping happens.
Definitely.
It's kind of tabloid-ese.
I had a lady perform a lewd sex act on me.
Terrible.
No-one has ever said that.
"She performed a lewd sex act.
" What?! Did she? Mid-romp! The way you said that was powerfully erotic.
Would you miss it if it went? It's always going to be bad when a newspaper closes.
There aren't enough.
You can't have our political system, our world, famous people It can't be a bad thing if there are lots of different institutions scrutinising them.
It shouldn't break the law or lie, but it's bad if it closes.
When you look at the other tabs, it is just the best.
It's the best one.
They get so much of it right.
No-one seems to say this in its favour they have naked breasts on page three - tremendous boon.
If you're offended by that, Lauren You are not a big fan of page three, but if when you look at it you imagine there's a bra thief, and they're reporting on it.
It's just more evidence.
A little bit better.
OK.
Everyone's second favourite Muslim hate preacher Abu Qatada is currently back under virtual house arrest.
But what is life like for a cooped-up cleric? He was keen to welcome in our cameras and show us round his crib.
Hi! Welcome.
I'm Abu Qatada.
This is my crib.
Let's do this.
This is where the magic happens.
Take a look around.
Go anywhere you like.
Hey! No, not in here.
Through there.
Coming down the stairs now and this is Detective Inspector Jessop from Special Branch.
Hello.
This is my scale model of the Olympic Stadium.
This is what it looked like before and this is after.
I hope you enjoyed looking around my crib.
Keep it real, Channel 4.
Oh, stay away from the Olympics, July 27th.
Andrew Lansley's bill to restructure the NHS has come under attack this week, but if it scrapes through into law, how will things change? With us tonight is a top GP who's conducting his own trial of the new, efficient frontline services.
Ugh, I think I might be sick! Come in, sit down, pop your top off, and let me tell you about Andrew Lansley's new, streamlined NHS.
Sorry about that.
People worry that patients will suffer, but of course they won't.
They'll be dead.
Not you, obviously.
You're going to be fine.
I've just got to faff around a little bit.
Nurse, scalpel.
Fine.
I'll just have a little That's Right.
No good.
That's meant to happen.
Don't worry about that.
Don't bleed everywhere, mate, because this doesn't get cleaned again till March.
As David Cameron says, the new health bill is all about introducing choice.
It's a choice between dying on a trolley in an unheated corridor or catching MRSA off a dirty nurse.
No offence, love.
Hang on a second.
That's I'm pretty sure that's Oh, that's.
That's a liver.
Liver's a bit like the appendix.
No-one knows what it does.
You don't need it.
Doctor, was that a dog? You mean, was that an out-sourced primary care tissue disposal executive? Yes, it was.
Good boy, Mr Wriggles! Where was I? I really wish we hadn't used real blood.
Hang on, I've got to get this, it's one of my private patients.
Oh, it's from America.
Hello? Just take about 25 of the white pills and then have a drink and try and relax in a bath, yeah.
But make sure you don't She's hung up.
What a lovely voice.
Now, in the new NHS, GPs will be taking control of our own budget.
Sure, it'll mean a little extra paperwork, but that's nothing we can't handle.
Nurse, paperwork.
That's quite a lot of paperwork.
I'll pop that in there, for now.
That's meant to happen, by the way.
You've got plenty of that in there.
There's loads.
Why's he rocking out, nurse? Doctor, he's dead.
Right.
Good, that's another example of increasing efficiencies in the NHS.
I've killed this patient in a record 85 seconds.
Best of all, thanks to David Cameron and our new corporate links, there's no waste.
This operation was sponsored by Ginsters Pasties.
Fire up the grinder! Next patient, please! Now, with Europe in meltdown, it's easy to forget that the race for the American presidency is hotting up.
Obama has struggled in the polls, and, come November, there could well be a Republican in the White House.
But which Republican? A weird one.
Let's meet the contenders in Candidate number one of three is Mitt Romney.
Where is he? There he is.
Lovely.
He's the one with all the cash.
Mitt is minted.
He's worth a cool ?250 million, but recently admitted he paid only 13.
9% tax.
Crafty.
Mitt is also a proud Mormon.
He thinks being a Mormon is so awesome that he converted his father-in-law to the religion.
Which would have been less weird if his father-in-law hadn't been dead.
Actually dead.
It's the thing.
Mitt also has other skills, one of which rival candidate, Newt Gingrich, finds particularly distasteful, as you'll see in this extraordinary campaign attack ad.
Massachusetts moderate, Mitt Romney.
He'll say anything to win.
Anything.
And, just like John Kerry, he speaks French, too.
Bonjour! Yeah? Damn straight.
Being a gazillionaire who pays hardly any tax and posthumously converts family members to their bizarro religion is one thing, but speaking French?! You sick bastard! Moving on to number two, Newt Gingrich.
He's the one who's obsessed with the moon.
If elected, Newt has promised to build a permanent base on the moon.
Previous policies of Newt's include treating taxpayers to space shuttle rides and solving the pesky problem of street lighting on Earth by placing giant mirrors on the moon.
All novel and delightfully whimsical ideas, Newt.
Although, dare I say it, a little bit moon-based.
Candidate number three is Rick Santorum.
He's the one whose election will herald the end of civilisation.
Rick's got some pretty strong - and by strong, I mean wrong - views.
For starters, he's anti-gay, although, as he says, "That's not to pick on homosexuality.
"It's not man on child, or man on dog or whatever.
" Good to know that in Rick's view, fucking kids and dogs is worse than being gay, if only just.
Unsurprisingly, Rick feels that gay men shouldn't serve in the US army because, "They're in close quarters, they live with people, "they obviously shower with people.
" Yeah, Rick, we're with you.
Whenever we think of the army, the first thing that pops into our heads are those long, hot, gay showers! Rather than, say, war.
So there you have it.
Your three potential presidents.
Good luck, America! Well, American politics is often accused of being just about image, but closer to home, is it really any different for our politicians? Yesterday, in a constitutionally momentous development, Adam Boulton from Sky News revealed his annual list of the Top 10 most fanciable MPs.
Top of this list were Zac Goldsmith and Luciana Berger.
Let's have a look at them.
Yeah, you would, wouldn't you? Surprisingly, my favourite didn't make the list, Eric Pickles.
I just like an oviform man.
And look at that thumb! I mean, they're only really sexy by the standards of MPs.
And Westminster isn't Milan Fashion Week.
Are you all right there? I've got a lot of blood in my ear.
Let's try and move on.
Picking the sexiest MP is like picking the sexiest body after an airship disaster.
As long as it's still got a bit of face, it's in your top ten airship disaster totty.
I don't know whether sexy is the right term.
Charisma is what you look for in a leader.
Cos the best leader ever - Winston Churchill? I like a man in a onesie.
Again.
Ed Miliband notoriously has image problems.
The Today programme recently caused a bit of outrage.
There he is! I don't think He looks like a nice man.
I don't think that picture has been picked with his best interests at heart.
I don't think his office was consulted, and said, "We insist on one where he's got his teeth out.
" He looks like he's just waiting to catch a tangerine.
The Today programme, leaving the picture aside, they recently caused outrage by implying that Ed was too ugly to be Labour leader.
What do you think, David? Awww! Well He's not a little duckling.
He's meant to be leading our country.
Or trying.
I don't think he's ugly.
I think he looks sort of normal, but I think there's an awkwardness in his manner and the problem is that the awkwardness in his manner is only going to be intensified by people saying how awkward his manner is.
The terrible thing is he looks self-conscious and now he's going to be even more self-conscious.
It's tricky.
David Cameron is pretty slick, but apparently he's just as worried about his image.
That's why he's been courting female votes, and recently did an interview with Now magazine.
How do you think they publicised that? They put him on the front cover with abs.
No, they did not.
They did not mention it.
However - this is the cover, not on there but the interview is within, so I'm going to test you on some of the things that he revealed to make himself seem like a bit of a cool dude.
No buzzers, no prizes.
I'm not good on magazines.
Is Now magazine a cool magazine? You're amazing.
You're like something from Quantum Leap that's just arrived here from the 1890s in a contraption that you built in your shed.
The contraption in my shed will not work! "I can't get back home!" I was going to say It also explains the beard! If you want to drop a dress size denim, a pair of silver jeans I mean, it's maybe not the ideal publication for you.
It's what I'm wearing under the table.
It's probably It's not cool dude so much as dentist waiting room? It's maybe the grey shaded area in the Venn diagram between those two.
It's just waiting to die in your lunch hour.
That's what it is.
Oh, God.
OK, listen Let's quiz it up.
Let's quiz it.
OK.
So, in the interview in this magazine, he revealed the most memorable 24 hours of his life.
When do you think that was? I would say that would be the previous 24 hours to the interview.
Literally, they were in the forefront of his mind.
It's not the correct answer.
Don't tell me he went for something crowd pleasing, like something to do with his wife or honeymoon.
He said, "Probably getting married and the first night of my honeymoon.
"I can still remember it pretty much minute by minute.
" That's a bit like saying, "That's all in the bank, love.
" Has he got it on tape? TMI.
Actually, also, the honeymoon sex implication aside, a wedding, is that supposed to be the most fun 24 hours of your life? Isn't it supposed to be what it represents? It's the ceremony.
It might be a bit stressful, the day, and you might be a bit worried, but not for Cameron, it's just fun, fun, fun.
Charlie, you might like this.
It's a gaming question.
What is his favourite iPad game? Skimming it at his butler's head? What's the one where you get to beat up the prostitutes? Grand Theft Auto? That's a gross misrepresentation of a very fine video game.
I didn't mean to cause offence.
It's the only time I've got genuinely angry on this show.
The most vexed you've ever been.
OK, let's just calm this down, and say it is Angry Birds, which you might like to know he's finished.
Have you finished it? No, and I don't run anything! It takes ages! He also likes Fruit Ninja, apparently.
What even is that? What is a Fruit Ninja? You swipe and Basically, for most people it's a fun diversion.
For a Prime Minister, it's a waste of fucking time.
Not what he says.
It's not what he told Now magazine.
He said, "It's quite good to get your frustration out.
"If you can't have a reshuffle, play Fruit Ninja.
" Advice that will echo down the ages.
OK, just before we go to the break, movie news.
This week, Meryl Streep won a BAFTA for her portrayal of Margaret Thatcher.
They are hoping to repeat the success with the life story of another British political heavyweight.
Here's a sneak peek at the trailer.
From the producer of The Iron Lady and the second deputy assistant wardrobe designer from Billy Elliott, comes this summer's political blockbuster.
Ed Miliband was faced with leading the opposition, but all he wanted to do was Look, guys.
I don't care about the national debt, I just care about the pirouette.
Dance.
In a world of movers and shakers, he just wanted to move and shake.
The coalition is making cuts everywhere.
Everyone hates them, but we're still lower in the polls.
The only thing that concerns me is dance.
Lead, Eddie.
Come on, show me you can lead.
But I don't know how to lead.
Join the triumph of the dream, that bored everyone it touched.
I tell you, I could lead.
I will lead on the dancefloor.
If you only see one film this year Go, Eddie, go! Then I'd recommend you see The Artist.
It's brilliant.
I've seen it twice.
Eddie Miliband.
So.
The Falklands.
Sean Penn, who has both won an Oscarandslept with Madonna but not on the same evening, unlike me.
Citation needed has been cosying up to the Argentinians.
Here he is looking statesmanlike on Sky.
I think that the world today is not going to tolerate any kind of ludicrous and archaic commitment to colonialist ideology, and yet there are clearly nuances of negotiations that have to be beneficial and understood between both parties.
Sometimes a piece of rhetoric goes straight into the history books.
"There are clearly nuances of negotiations "that have to be beneficial and understood between both parties.
" It's as memorable as some terms and conditions, and as meaningful as a Valentine's card from your local kebab shop.
But is Britain ludicrous and archaic? No, hang on, that's too easy.
Of course it is.
Is Britain being ludicrous and archaic aboutthis? The Falklands' 3,000 inhabitants say they're British.
How do they know? Sean Penn will have noticed that they're considerably closer to Buenos Aires than to Shrewsbury.
Surely that settles the matter? With me to discuss the last bastion of the British Empire are vice president of the Stop The War coalition, George Galloway, who's apparently a friend of Sean Penn's, and journalist, Hugo Rifkind, who isn't.
Thank you both for coming.
George, tell me, have you met Madonna? No, no, sorry, I mean do you think Sean Penn's embarrassed himself here? Not at all.
Actually, what he was saying is shared by virtually every country in the world.
I don't know if you know that every Latin American country backs Argentina's claim to the islands, the vast majority of the countries of the United Nations do, so it's us that's, kind of, out of step on this.
But I take your point, he wasn't particularly eloquent there.
But the thing I worry about here, though, is that, you know, I like him, he's a liberal guy, he takes the alternative view on a lot of things, but I worry that, with the Falklands, what he's done is, he doesn't know much about it, the islands, they look like they're near Argentina.
He sort of thinks, "Well, South American countries, "they're cooler and a bit more relaxed "than imperialist western countries like Britain.
" And so he took the side on that basis rather than knowing the first thing about it.
They look like they're closer to Argentina because they are.
Considerably closer.
That's not always the reason why a place should be governed by a certain country.
No, it's not but they are on the Argentine coastal shelf, Britain did take these islands and did settle our people on it, along with the penguins and the sheep.
We settled the penguins? Yeah.
We attracted them, believe me, we fed them.
And the idea that, in the 21st century, we can indefinitely hang on to a colonial possession 8,000 miles away is fanciful to most people in the world, if not to everyone in Britain.
The reality is, if the Argentines were to make life difficult for us, we'd have to end up supplying these people from here.
They could ban all shipping, they could ban all aviation, they could ban all trade that was going in there from then going in to Latin American ports.
You know, Latin America's a really important place and we don't want to lose friends and alienate people all over the world, surely.
Hugo, what do you say to that? As far as I'm concerned, this one's really simple.
We're pretty good at post-colonial guilt in Britain.
Lots of us still secretly feel quite guilty about the Elgin Marbles, but not this one.
This one's really easy.
Britain has controlled the Falkland Islands for the best part of 200 years.
The reason we still control the Falklands Islands is cos the people who live there want to be British.
That matters.
Now, you might say it's a strange historical anomaly that you've got a British community in the South Atlantic, you might say that's the result of colonialism, but so's Argentina.
It's a country founded by Spanish people who moved there and killed everybody, so why they feel that gives them a greater moral right over the Falklands than Britain, I fail to understand.
Enlighten me, George.
I will.
Er, the The proximity of the islands to the Argentine coast The islands are as far away from Buenos Aires as Lisbon is from London.
Well Argentina also claims South Georgia, which is as far away from Buenos Aires as Benghazi is from London.
You invited me to enlighten you All right.
I reckon they're a long way from Argentina, they're definitely a longer way from here.
Much longer, and the Argentines claim them and all the Latin American countries back them, and the vast majority of countries in the world back them, for this reason - that you cannot transplant, at the time of the Falklands War, by the way, 2,000 of your own settlers and put them on a piece of vacant territory and then claim that you have sovereignty forever over that Sovereignty If these people want to be British, there are two solutions.
We can give them all a million pounds each and settle them in the Yorkshire Moors and we'll be quids in.
Well Do the maths.
It has cost us billions.
I dread to think how that will affect building regulations.
Here's the second solution, and I could negotiate that with the delectable president of Argentina, Cristina.
Look, your attempts to shag the president of Argentina You deliberately didn't show her picture because it would have been a winning card for me.
She's too sexy to disagree with! We could negotiate with her that the people remain British, if they want to be British, but that the territory belongs to Argentina.
But then we'd lose the oil, you moron! There's oil under those people! Ah, so that's what it's about.
Who'd have thunk it! Well, the thing is this.
There are 3,000 people there, they want to be British, They've been there for ages, George, this is not a recent thing.
Sure, they can continue to be British.
They've been there for generations, that means they have self-determination, and, do you know, bonus, they're on loads of oil! Hooray! Nations have self-determination.
2,000 settlers do not have self-determination.
But they're not settlers, their ancestors were.
As far as I'm concerned, this works like squatter's rights.
You have a house for 25 years, it's yours.
They've had it for two centuries.
What a surprise for a Tory to be backing squatters' rights.
Why do you think I'm a Tory? Oh, well, sorry.
I know he's too nice to be a Tory, but OK.
No, look, the reality is that the issue can be resolved.
The profits from the oil can be shared, the sovereignty of the land can be shared, the people can keep their British passports.
But I don't understand why we should share it when all the people who live there are British, and so, at the moment we have all the oil, they want to negotiate.
Isn't it better just to say no? Would you want it? I mean, the Tory government and the Labour government in the 1970s and '80s, before the fascist junta invaded the Falklands, and I supported the war, perhaps unwisely, on the basis that these British passport-holders, the government had a responsibility to protect them, to come to their aid when these fascist junta forces attacked them, but that's no the case any more.
Argentina's a democratic country, we have to get along with people in emerging markets, like Brazil, for example, one of the most important new markets in the world.
Do we want everybody to hate us over a little group of rocks that we could negotiate a solution over? So we force these people, to either leave where they've lived for generations or be part of a country they don't want to be a part of in order to curry favour, for trade reasons, with South American countries? Surely that's Argentinian imperialism.
That's what diplomacy is about.
It's about finding negotiated solutions with people who have claims which are regarded by the rest of the world as considerably stronger than our claim.
The rest of the world just hasn't thought about this.
The position you're advocating makes sense in some cases.
It made sense in, say, Hong Kong, because there were lots of people there, it was Too many Chinese to fight.
Exactly, and more to the point, they wanted to be Chinese.
There were Chinese people living in Hong Kong.
There's British people living there.
It's not that close to Argentina.
They have no case at all.
In that case, now you come from an eminent legal family, why don't we place this matter before the United Nations and let them adjudicate on it? I know why Britain has offered several times to place it before the United Nations and Argentina said no.
That's not so, and what Well, that is so.
What the lovely Cristina is saying Google it, George.
As you know, Googling's not my strong point or I wouldn't have been here.
I thought this was Newsnight.
Till I heard the swearing.
Yes, no, this is Newsnight, but you can say "fuck".
Which we think is the ideal for Well, from my point of view, I think the people there 2,000 people, that's enough to have rights of self-determination.
Nether Wallop is bigger than the population of the Falklands.
Well, there is no oil under Nether Wallop.
With that, I'm afraid, we have to leave it.
Thank you very much, George Galloway and Hugo Rifkind.
Welcome back to 10 O'Clock Live.
Time to look at some more stories that caught our eye this week.
First up, David Cameron today announced plans for drunk tanks and booze buses to deal with drunks on Britain's streets.
Sounds amazing, doesn't it? Drunk Tank sounds like a brilliant Irish theme bar! "Let's go to the Drunk Tank.
But how will we get there? "The Booze Bus!" Weh-hey! If you're on the booze bus, why bother going to the drunk tank? Just drive round and round in the booze bus! You get a view on which to be sick.
If the drunk tank was just like a really big bouncy castle, that's the interior of it, and you push everybody in.
Nothing bad can happen here.
Is the drunk tank not a tank? Driven by drunks? That would be much better.
That would be spectacular.
The drunk tank versus the booze bus.
I'd watch that.
It'd be like Mad Max at Wembley Arena.
Super Furry Animals had a tank for a bit, which was a bit like that.
But no, drunk tanks are cells to house drunk people overnight until they're sober.
He's saying this is a good idea? Because I think we have this system currently in operation.
Premier Inn? Booze buses are vehicles staffed with paramedics to help drunk people in the street.
We're rebranding ambulances? Vehicles with paramedics, that's an ambulance! "Why don't we call it a booze bus?" There are so many drunks that they need their own infrastructure to take care of them? Is that what's happening? What if you get a disease, some sort of illness that's not booze-related? Will the booze bus come and they'd go, "It's disgraceful that you're using up the booze bus.
"This is for people who've drunk vodka for hours, "not you with your "heart attack"!" Will its siren be slightly woozy? Let's look at tomorrow's headlines.
Anything interesting? I've got Go on.
Well, on the front of The Independent, I don't know if anyone saw this? It's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who was today live on television, operating a nuclear reactor! It was basically the most extreme episode of The Cube ever! It's done in the style of The Independent, a cartoon with pictures telling the story and then it ends with World War III.
I like it! You thought The Sun made things jolly - look at that! It's like a cartoon! I've got the Queen, she "rides in to rescue the beleaguered church.
" So that's him saying, "We're not irrelevant, "the Queen thinks we're great!" There's an irony there.
David, you've got The Express? The Express have gone with how Miranda has stolen the hearts of the nation.
Which is a big news story.
Apparently she made off with 4,000 replacement hearts in a van.
Which is a disgrace.
She seemed so nice! Yes, I know.
But no, she steals organs.
That's all we have time for tonight.
We'll see you next week.
Good night.