1000 Ways to Die s03e04 Episode Script
Dead Wrongs
- Don't put your porn on my vanity.
- Uh-oh.
You've been busted.
Hey, you! - But don't worry.
- Aah! - Wipe off your hands and watch this show instead.
This is what it's all about.
- We've got a farmer's daughter story That'll blow you away.
Wildcats, fight! - A cheerleader who takes on the whole football team.
[shouting in japanese.]
A sushi chef that becomes the butt of a bad joke, A raver who gets a lethal glow job A porn addict who comes undone, And a tease who gets weak in the knees.
[both gasp.]
So clean up that mess And follow the bouncing ball.
Douchebag.
- It's the next episode of 1000 ways to die.
Death is everywhere.
Most of us try to avoid it.
Others can't get out of its way.
Every day, we fight a new war Against germs, toxins, Injury, illness, And catastrophe.
There's a lot of ways to wind up dead.
The fact that we survive at all is a miracle.
Because every day we live, We face 1000 ways to die.
Okay.
Go! Wildcats, go! Go! High school cheerleaders.
If you could harness their energy, The world could leave its lights on Forever.
- Fight! Wildcats, fight! Okay! - With cheerleaders, the word "perky" is always close by.
Wildcats, fight! - With pamela, the wildcats captain, "bitch.
" Oh, that sucked.
Brooke, you definitely need to go take a lap or something, 'cause you are putting on weight.
She was about as supportive as your local gestapo.
- Lacy, did you even practice the moves? The other girls hated her, And were more than happy when some competition To pamela's reign of terror showed up.
Hi, girls.
- Hi.
- Her name was amber.
- Hi.
You should definitely try out for our team.
Thank you.
In the team itself, There's competitiveness among the girls.
It's really cutthroat.
There's a real high need to be front and center So that you're noticed, Because if you're noticed, People will know you're a cheerleader on campus, And that gives you authority on campus.
- Amber became the squad's new flier.
Go, wildcats, go! - And the star quarterback's new girlfriend, After he dumped his old one [animal growls.]
Pamela.
It was homecoming night, the biggest game of the season.
Wildcats, fight! Pamela was sick and tired Of being out-perkied by the new girl.
If amber wanted to fly, That's okay by pamela.
She just won't play catch.
Aah! Oh, my gosh, are you okay? - Oh, my gosh, are you okay? - Amber went down hard, pamela gloated, But then a rumbling.
That looked like it hurt.
[screaming.]
- Not as much as the combined weight Of 4,000 pounds of footballers Tearing up your body like raw turf.
- The spleen is an organ that's located In the upper left portion of your abdomen, And it receives the majority of your blood flow.
Any sort of blunt trauma to the abdomen, torso, or this region, Can unfortunately frequently 'cause a splenic laceration, And the risk of that is fatal hemorrhage, Exsanguination, and death.
- Pamela was as mean as her skirt was pleated.
- Did you even practice the moves? She lost all her cheer, And then she got cleated.
Oh, my gosh! - Oh my god.
Are you okay? - Caleb and jacob were phonies.
With a stack of unread bibles in the back seat, They would roam the countryside posing as preachers, Looking for souls to Save.
Hallelujah.
- When they stumbled on to emmy lou's farm, They thought they had reached the promised land.
Emmy lou was the picture of innocence, But inside she was a raging cauldron Of hormones and sin.
[horse whinnies.]
- In my experience, farmer's daughters, If given the chance, Will have sex with many, many partners.
Basically as many as they can get away with.
- We are able to see directly into the bosom of your soul.
These two bible humpers Were slicker than snot down a hoe handle, But they were no match for this mare in heat.
- I was just about to give old west end affair here a rubdown.
I could use all the hands I can get.
- Emmy lou took going down on the farm - And don't be afraid to get a little hard.
- Very seriously.
- All right? [horse whinnies.]
The two phonies took turns Riding this rambunctious filly But in every farmer's daughter story, There's always somebody with a shotgun.
Ohh! Granny knew all about Emmy lou's barnyard activities Hey, you! So when she heard the cries Of animal passion, She knew some cock was getting it on with her hen.
- Where are you going? Come back! Where did he go? Go, go.
- The boys found shelter in a grain silo.
- Where is that snake in the grass? - Look, let's make a break for the car.
She's got a shotgun.
- There comes a time in every lost soul's life Where's my lighter? When what they need most Is a light to shine in the darkness.
Okay.
This wasn't one of them.
Fine powder from the tons of grains Passing through the silo accumulated And mixed with the oxygen in the air.
When caleb lit his lighter, A spark spread from one floating grain to the other, Creating a chain reaction.
The explosion had the power of three sticks of dynamite.
A waste of good corn.
- Here's one for all you bible students out there.
All come from dust, And to dust return.
[whispering.]
go, go.
Caleb and jacob lied.
And got burned.
[speaking japanese.]
Coming up, a sushi chef gets eel, And a raver gets his glow on.
[speaking foreign language.]
It's graduation night At chef tanaka's school for sushi chefs.
Out of a handpicked class of 25, Only two have made it through.
As was his custom, Tanaka is sharing shots of sake With his charges to celebrate their rite of passage.
- Becoming a sushi chef's very hard, Because there's so many different type That first you need to understand.
So we need to do proper handling, proper cut.
It's long hour, And the learning, lot of process, Then sharpening your knife, good sharpening.
It's a lot of work.
- More prison camp than school, The students lived in constant fear of tanaka's wrath.
He would shove wasabi up their noses, Or ambush them with blasts of water.
One of his favorite teaching tricks Was to threaten them with [speaks japanese.]
.
"eel up ass.
" But that was all history.
Tonight was for celebrating.
After too many shots, Tanaka was out cold.
He never could hold his liquor.
The students saw this as an opportunity to get some revenge On their task master.
An eel down his pants Should make for a nice surprise when he wakes up.
But the students hadn't counted on this.
The eel wound up crawling deep inside tanaka's rectum, And ate its way out.
- An eel burrowing its way up through the man's rectum And biting through is gonna cause Extensive internal bleeding, Um, also damaging two important veins there, The inferior hemorrhoidal vein And the common iliac vein.
It's gonna lead to hypovolemic shock.
He lost so much blood, He went from comatose to coma to dead.
Tanaka ran his sushi school with an iron fist, But then he got eel and never woke up.
Domo arigato.
It's 5:00 in the morning, And this rave is in its death throes.
Most of the crowd have gone home Or have been carted off to the local emergency room.
At a typical rave, There's not a lot of security.
There's a lot of loud music.
A lot of drugs, a lot of sex, And a lot of good times.
- But now only the hardcore partiers remain, And this guy A drug dealer named rush.
What do you want? Rush was the guy to go to When you wanted to keep your buzz going.
The inside of his hoodie Was stuffed with everything from ecstasy to heroin.
Hey, bro, what you want? Want some x.
- This, yeah? - Yeah.
- This is hard, man.
This is hard.
It's 50.
- Rush was a predator, not a partier.
Tonight, rush broke the cardinal rule of drug dealing Never get high on your own supply.
He popped a couple of hits of ecstasy, And, not used to being so wasted, he freaked out.
This is why your mama told you not to do drugs.
All logic flies out the window, And you do stupid things, Like empty out your glow sticks into a kiddie pool And smear it all over your bodies.
One stupid idea led to another.
Rather than smear it, Rush mainlined the glowing goo straight into his arm.
He lit up like a nuclear reactor.
And then melted down.
The mixture of chemicals in glow sticks Creates a by-product called phenol.
Once it enters the bloodstream, Phenol shuts down the nervous system And triggers kidney failure.
The nazis experimented with phenol executions During world war ii.
Rush preyed on innocent kids who just wanted to party, But when he tried to join in, He wound up xed out.
Up next You're looking hot.
- A hormonal housewife spills her guts.
Aah! Harder! - And a porn addict goes down and gets dirty.
- There comes a time in every woman's life When the need for sexual fulfilment Overwhelms everything else.
Would you like a drink? Well, you guys look hot out here.
I thought I'd bring you something cold.
Hello.
That time for jolene was now.
You're sweaty.
- Jolene was a perfect sex storm.
Late 20s, peaking in the fertility department, Recently divorced, With horny hormones raging through her body.
- Why don't you guys come inside and take a break? - Hello? Yeah, over here.
Back to work.
Hey, boys.
- Not only was her biological clock ticking double time, Jolene was a four-star tease.
The construction crew out front Were helpless under the spell Of her barely-hidden charms.
I love to tease men.
I think that we are very animalistic by nature, And I think that women Are definitely the gatherers of this world, And men are hunters, And I think that it's very normal and it's natural For them to want to chase a woman.
- The foreman tried to keep his crew focused on working.
Do you want to play a game? - But jolene had something else in mind.
It's hot out here.
[man whistles.]
She was making it very hard For these hard hats.
[moans.]
- Come on, guys.
Just help me out.
I could use some suntan lotion on my back.
- But when you're an object of mass distraction, You leave yourself open to attack.
Oh, my god.
- The guy operating the concrete saw Liked what he saw a little too much, And lost control.
The blade went flying off, And through Jolene's yummy tummy.
Cause of death? Everything.
Jolene was hoping she could lure a hunk into her bunk.
- Why don't you guys come inside and take a break? - But in the end, she just couldn't keep it Together.
Harder! Harder! Jonathan miller is someone Who lives and breathes and sweats pornography.
- This is what it's all about.
For years, he's been stashing and stacking a pile of smut As big as a house.
His house.
- In the high times of my porn addiction, I've masturbated When porn takes over your life, You get in trouble at work, your spouse, your friends, And you even get viruses on your computer.
His dirty obsession Made his loving wife of 35 years so crazy - Don't put your porn on my vanity.
- That one day she had enough.
I'm leaving you.
- With wifey not there to take care of him, Jonathan started circling the drain.
He got so lost in pornville, He neglected eating, And didn't drink anything, To the point where he started suffering from dehydration.
- Dehydration is simply a loss of your total body water, And water is vital for every function Of every cell of your body.
In most people, they have an intact thirst mechanism, And so at that point we're able to replenish our water supply And prevent dehydration.
Ohh.
- He became increasingly disoriented.
I got to get out of here.
- The three well-defined stages of dehydration Are mild dehydration, in total body water.
People are gonna have a dry mouth.
You're gonna feel lightheaded.
Moderate dehydration, 5% to 9% loss of total body water.
Urine output will cut off to zero.
- Jonathan's condition worsened to the point Where he kept losing his way In his maze of madness.
- Oh, I can't even walk anymore.
- The last straw came in an avalanche of triple-x junk.
Too weak to move, He reached the final stage of dehydration and expired.
Severe dehydration, Greater than 10% loss of total body water, Which is a medical emergency.
Severe headache, severe nausea.
Their blood pressure will drop.
The heart rate will rise rapidly.
All their organs will fail, And they'll die from a fatal arrhythmia.
- Don't put your porn on my vanity.
I'm leaving you.
- Jonathan should have tossed all his smut in the dumpster.
Instead I got to get out of here.
- He wound up in a grave of his own making.
- Want to see a bully get busted? Stick around.
- Brooke was a shiny, good-looking Elitist snob who played a rich boy college sport Lacrosse.
- Good.
Just like that.
- He was also an unbearable bully.
He loved to beat up those less fortunate than himself.
Douchebag.
Whether the chess club geek, Or the band nerd - Ow! Let go! Ow! Buh buh buh buh! - Brooke was an equal opportunity persecutor.
- Most people become bullies when they're young, When they're children, and they become bullies Because they get attention for it, Or they become bullies Because they like seeing their victims in pain.
Hold my stick.
Brooke was at his bully best When trying to impress a couple of cute co-edibles.
Hey, nerds.
Now here's a lesson For all you muscle-headed bullies out there.
When the hottest babe on campus goes by, Keep your eye on the ball.
[groans.]
- Ricocheting off the wall at over 90 miles an hour, The solid rubber lacrosse ball Hit his chest at the perfect time in the perfect place, Triggering a reaction called commotio cordis.
Commotio cordis Is the disruption of the heart's rhythm As a result of a blow to the area Directly over the heart at a critical time During the cycle of heartbeat.
Some words of advice for a very dead brooke Bully for you.
[fabric ripping.]
- ohh! What was the word you used? Douchebag.
Exactly.
Synced by Gatto
- Uh-oh.
You've been busted.
Hey, you! - But don't worry.
- Aah! - Wipe off your hands and watch this show instead.
This is what it's all about.
- We've got a farmer's daughter story That'll blow you away.
Wildcats, fight! - A cheerleader who takes on the whole football team.
[shouting in japanese.]
A sushi chef that becomes the butt of a bad joke, A raver who gets a lethal glow job A porn addict who comes undone, And a tease who gets weak in the knees.
[both gasp.]
So clean up that mess And follow the bouncing ball.
Douchebag.
- It's the next episode of 1000 ways to die.
Death is everywhere.
Most of us try to avoid it.
Others can't get out of its way.
Every day, we fight a new war Against germs, toxins, Injury, illness, And catastrophe.
There's a lot of ways to wind up dead.
The fact that we survive at all is a miracle.
Because every day we live, We face 1000 ways to die.
Okay.
Go! Wildcats, go! Go! High school cheerleaders.
If you could harness their energy, The world could leave its lights on Forever.
- Fight! Wildcats, fight! Okay! - With cheerleaders, the word "perky" is always close by.
Wildcats, fight! - With pamela, the wildcats captain, "bitch.
" Oh, that sucked.
Brooke, you definitely need to go take a lap or something, 'cause you are putting on weight.
She was about as supportive as your local gestapo.
- Lacy, did you even practice the moves? The other girls hated her, And were more than happy when some competition To pamela's reign of terror showed up.
Hi, girls.
- Hi.
- Her name was amber.
- Hi.
You should definitely try out for our team.
Thank you.
In the team itself, There's competitiveness among the girls.
It's really cutthroat.
There's a real high need to be front and center So that you're noticed, Because if you're noticed, People will know you're a cheerleader on campus, And that gives you authority on campus.
- Amber became the squad's new flier.
Go, wildcats, go! - And the star quarterback's new girlfriend, After he dumped his old one [animal growls.]
Pamela.
It was homecoming night, the biggest game of the season.
Wildcats, fight! Pamela was sick and tired Of being out-perkied by the new girl.
If amber wanted to fly, That's okay by pamela.
She just won't play catch.
Aah! Oh, my gosh, are you okay? - Oh, my gosh, are you okay? - Amber went down hard, pamela gloated, But then a rumbling.
That looked like it hurt.
[screaming.]
- Not as much as the combined weight Of 4,000 pounds of footballers Tearing up your body like raw turf.
- The spleen is an organ that's located In the upper left portion of your abdomen, And it receives the majority of your blood flow.
Any sort of blunt trauma to the abdomen, torso, or this region, Can unfortunately frequently 'cause a splenic laceration, And the risk of that is fatal hemorrhage, Exsanguination, and death.
- Pamela was as mean as her skirt was pleated.
- Did you even practice the moves? She lost all her cheer, And then she got cleated.
Oh, my gosh! - Oh my god.
Are you okay? - Caleb and jacob were phonies.
With a stack of unread bibles in the back seat, They would roam the countryside posing as preachers, Looking for souls to Save.
Hallelujah.
- When they stumbled on to emmy lou's farm, They thought they had reached the promised land.
Emmy lou was the picture of innocence, But inside she was a raging cauldron Of hormones and sin.
[horse whinnies.]
- In my experience, farmer's daughters, If given the chance, Will have sex with many, many partners.
Basically as many as they can get away with.
- We are able to see directly into the bosom of your soul.
These two bible humpers Were slicker than snot down a hoe handle, But they were no match for this mare in heat.
- I was just about to give old west end affair here a rubdown.
I could use all the hands I can get.
- Emmy lou took going down on the farm - And don't be afraid to get a little hard.
- Very seriously.
- All right? [horse whinnies.]
The two phonies took turns Riding this rambunctious filly But in every farmer's daughter story, There's always somebody with a shotgun.
Ohh! Granny knew all about Emmy lou's barnyard activities Hey, you! So when she heard the cries Of animal passion, She knew some cock was getting it on with her hen.
- Where are you going? Come back! Where did he go? Go, go.
- The boys found shelter in a grain silo.
- Where is that snake in the grass? - Look, let's make a break for the car.
She's got a shotgun.
- There comes a time in every lost soul's life Where's my lighter? When what they need most Is a light to shine in the darkness.
Okay.
This wasn't one of them.
Fine powder from the tons of grains Passing through the silo accumulated And mixed with the oxygen in the air.
When caleb lit his lighter, A spark spread from one floating grain to the other, Creating a chain reaction.
The explosion had the power of three sticks of dynamite.
A waste of good corn.
- Here's one for all you bible students out there.
All come from dust, And to dust return.
[whispering.]
go, go.
Caleb and jacob lied.
And got burned.
[speaking japanese.]
Coming up, a sushi chef gets eel, And a raver gets his glow on.
[speaking foreign language.]
It's graduation night At chef tanaka's school for sushi chefs.
Out of a handpicked class of 25, Only two have made it through.
As was his custom, Tanaka is sharing shots of sake With his charges to celebrate their rite of passage.
- Becoming a sushi chef's very hard, Because there's so many different type That first you need to understand.
So we need to do proper handling, proper cut.
It's long hour, And the learning, lot of process, Then sharpening your knife, good sharpening.
It's a lot of work.
- More prison camp than school, The students lived in constant fear of tanaka's wrath.
He would shove wasabi up their noses, Or ambush them with blasts of water.
One of his favorite teaching tricks Was to threaten them with [speaks japanese.]
.
"eel up ass.
" But that was all history.
Tonight was for celebrating.
After too many shots, Tanaka was out cold.
He never could hold his liquor.
The students saw this as an opportunity to get some revenge On their task master.
An eel down his pants Should make for a nice surprise when he wakes up.
But the students hadn't counted on this.
The eel wound up crawling deep inside tanaka's rectum, And ate its way out.
- An eel burrowing its way up through the man's rectum And biting through is gonna cause Extensive internal bleeding, Um, also damaging two important veins there, The inferior hemorrhoidal vein And the common iliac vein.
It's gonna lead to hypovolemic shock.
He lost so much blood, He went from comatose to coma to dead.
Tanaka ran his sushi school with an iron fist, But then he got eel and never woke up.
Domo arigato.
It's 5:00 in the morning, And this rave is in its death throes.
Most of the crowd have gone home Or have been carted off to the local emergency room.
At a typical rave, There's not a lot of security.
There's a lot of loud music.
A lot of drugs, a lot of sex, And a lot of good times.
- But now only the hardcore partiers remain, And this guy A drug dealer named rush.
What do you want? Rush was the guy to go to When you wanted to keep your buzz going.
The inside of his hoodie Was stuffed with everything from ecstasy to heroin.
Hey, bro, what you want? Want some x.
- This, yeah? - Yeah.
- This is hard, man.
This is hard.
It's 50.
- Rush was a predator, not a partier.
Tonight, rush broke the cardinal rule of drug dealing Never get high on your own supply.
He popped a couple of hits of ecstasy, And, not used to being so wasted, he freaked out.
This is why your mama told you not to do drugs.
All logic flies out the window, And you do stupid things, Like empty out your glow sticks into a kiddie pool And smear it all over your bodies.
One stupid idea led to another.
Rather than smear it, Rush mainlined the glowing goo straight into his arm.
He lit up like a nuclear reactor.
And then melted down.
The mixture of chemicals in glow sticks Creates a by-product called phenol.
Once it enters the bloodstream, Phenol shuts down the nervous system And triggers kidney failure.
The nazis experimented with phenol executions During world war ii.
Rush preyed on innocent kids who just wanted to party, But when he tried to join in, He wound up xed out.
Up next You're looking hot.
- A hormonal housewife spills her guts.
Aah! Harder! - And a porn addict goes down and gets dirty.
- There comes a time in every woman's life When the need for sexual fulfilment Overwhelms everything else.
Would you like a drink? Well, you guys look hot out here.
I thought I'd bring you something cold.
Hello.
That time for jolene was now.
You're sweaty.
- Jolene was a perfect sex storm.
Late 20s, peaking in the fertility department, Recently divorced, With horny hormones raging through her body.
- Why don't you guys come inside and take a break? - Hello? Yeah, over here.
Back to work.
Hey, boys.
- Not only was her biological clock ticking double time, Jolene was a four-star tease.
The construction crew out front Were helpless under the spell Of her barely-hidden charms.
I love to tease men.
I think that we are very animalistic by nature, And I think that women Are definitely the gatherers of this world, And men are hunters, And I think that it's very normal and it's natural For them to want to chase a woman.
- The foreman tried to keep his crew focused on working.
Do you want to play a game? - But jolene had something else in mind.
It's hot out here.
[man whistles.]
She was making it very hard For these hard hats.
[moans.]
- Come on, guys.
Just help me out.
I could use some suntan lotion on my back.
- But when you're an object of mass distraction, You leave yourself open to attack.
Oh, my god.
- The guy operating the concrete saw Liked what he saw a little too much, And lost control.
The blade went flying off, And through Jolene's yummy tummy.
Cause of death? Everything.
Jolene was hoping she could lure a hunk into her bunk.
- Why don't you guys come inside and take a break? - But in the end, she just couldn't keep it Together.
Harder! Harder! Jonathan miller is someone Who lives and breathes and sweats pornography.
- This is what it's all about.
For years, he's been stashing and stacking a pile of smut As big as a house.
His house.
- In the high times of my porn addiction, I've masturbated When porn takes over your life, You get in trouble at work, your spouse, your friends, And you even get viruses on your computer.
His dirty obsession Made his loving wife of 35 years so crazy - Don't put your porn on my vanity.
- That one day she had enough.
I'm leaving you.
- With wifey not there to take care of him, Jonathan started circling the drain.
He got so lost in pornville, He neglected eating, And didn't drink anything, To the point where he started suffering from dehydration.
- Dehydration is simply a loss of your total body water, And water is vital for every function Of every cell of your body.
In most people, they have an intact thirst mechanism, And so at that point we're able to replenish our water supply And prevent dehydration.
Ohh.
- He became increasingly disoriented.
I got to get out of here.
- The three well-defined stages of dehydration Are mild dehydration, in total body water.
People are gonna have a dry mouth.
You're gonna feel lightheaded.
Moderate dehydration, 5% to 9% loss of total body water.
Urine output will cut off to zero.
- Jonathan's condition worsened to the point Where he kept losing his way In his maze of madness.
- Oh, I can't even walk anymore.
- The last straw came in an avalanche of triple-x junk.
Too weak to move, He reached the final stage of dehydration and expired.
Severe dehydration, Greater than 10% loss of total body water, Which is a medical emergency.
Severe headache, severe nausea.
Their blood pressure will drop.
The heart rate will rise rapidly.
All their organs will fail, And they'll die from a fatal arrhythmia.
- Don't put your porn on my vanity.
I'm leaving you.
- Jonathan should have tossed all his smut in the dumpster.
Instead I got to get out of here.
- He wound up in a grave of his own making.
- Want to see a bully get busted? Stick around.
- Brooke was a shiny, good-looking Elitist snob who played a rich boy college sport Lacrosse.
- Good.
Just like that.
- He was also an unbearable bully.
He loved to beat up those less fortunate than himself.
Douchebag.
Whether the chess club geek, Or the band nerd - Ow! Let go! Ow! Buh buh buh buh! - Brooke was an equal opportunity persecutor.
- Most people become bullies when they're young, When they're children, and they become bullies Because they get attention for it, Or they become bullies Because they like seeing their victims in pain.
Hold my stick.
Brooke was at his bully best When trying to impress a couple of cute co-edibles.
Hey, nerds.
Now here's a lesson For all you muscle-headed bullies out there.
When the hottest babe on campus goes by, Keep your eye on the ball.
[groans.]
- Ricocheting off the wall at over 90 miles an hour, The solid rubber lacrosse ball Hit his chest at the perfect time in the perfect place, Triggering a reaction called commotio cordis.
Commotio cordis Is the disruption of the heart's rhythm As a result of a blow to the area Directly over the heart at a critical time During the cycle of heartbeat.
Some words of advice for a very dead brooke Bully for you.
[fabric ripping.]
- ohh! What was the word you used? Douchebag.
Exactly.
Synced by Gatto