1670 (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[bell chimes]
[curtains screeching]
Every now and again,
my nobleman buddies come visit
to compare how well-hung we are.
[solemn folk music playing]
Almost nothing is as crucial
to a Sarmatian's self-esteem
as how well-hung he is.
[sighs] Oh, no. It
it was longer back home. I swear.
Being well-hung is a direct extension
of a Sarmatian's honor.
Listen, they look fairly equal to me.
[chuckles softly] Well, never mind, then.
So how about some dinner?
[man] Actually,
I think Andrzej's is longer.
[nervous silence descends]
- Excuse me?
- [tense music plays]
[man] Andrzej's has a bigger knob,
while Jan Paweł's entire length is just
from some dangling threads.
Quite flimsy threads, I dare say.
Jeremi, watch your tongue.
That's my swag you're talking about.
Jan Paweł, if you can't take
a little constructive criticism,
you shouldn't have displayed your swag
for everyone to publicly assess.
I have no issue
with publicly displaying my swag,
but your cousin has used hate speech
while assessing it.
I'm just saying
that your dangling thread isn't very long.
- Slander!
- Slander!
- Slander!
- That's enough!
This insult will require
complete eradication
[spits out softly]
- with swift violence.
- [valiant drum music playing]
Well said, Jan Paweł.
Jeremi, I challenge you to a duel.
[Jeremi] I accept.
[man] Oh. [laughs]
We'd all be better off
if men didn't compare their knobs.
[sublime classical music playing]
[music stops]
I just couldn't stop yelling at her.
Tsk, tsk. [inhales]
We haven't been getting along
at all lately, Father,
and I just don't know what I should do
Oh. Did I tell you the news?
That I'm gonna be my father's heir?
Yes.
That's actually the third time
you've interrupted me to tell me that.
Well, all you're doing is
talking about yourself.
[peasant] But I'm
Uh, I'm here to confess to you.
Uh-huh. That's fine.
Your penance will be
that you must tell everyone you know
that my father has decided
to make me his heir. [knocks]
If you don't make time
for your children when they're young,
you can't count on them
to make time for you when you're older.
- [grand music playing]
- Pretty profound, isn't it?
So I'm looking forward to some
quality father-son time with Jakub,
as he watches me split Jeremi's head
in half during the duel.
[Aniela] Dad?
You're not planning a duel
with anyone, right?
'Cause the whole village
is talking about some duel.
Anielka, I had to. He slandered me.
- [whispers] He slandered him.
- So?
So I have to prove
to Andrzej's cousin that he was wrong.
Killing him isn't proving him wrong.
- What other way is there?
- [breathes deeply]
[sighs]
Don't you see that you're perpetuating
toxic behaviors and stereotypes
that keep repeating themselves
through generations of men?
You suffer from chronic stress,
unable to build healthy relationships
with other men
because you hide your emotions
under the guise of pride
and male posturing.
[fire crackling]
Anielka,
your braid is lovely.
[scoffs] Sorry?
You were just prattling on, and,
at one point, I thought to myself,
- "God, she's been talking for so long."
- I know, right?
So I said to myself,
"Make sure you keep looking
at her head area,
or she'll realize
you're not listening to her." And then
that's when I noticed your braid.
It's really beautiful, darling.
[Jakub] Yeah. Nice work, Aniela.
[applauding scatteredly]
[Aniela] I don't have time
for my father's shenanigans.
I'm conducting an investigation of my mom.
She's been acting pretty weird these days.
- [relaxing music playing]
- Hello, girls. How's your day going?
- [clears throat] It's good.
- Oh. That's great.
Mm. [bites]
I mean, she hasn't been acting weird,
and that's what's weird.
She's been secretly
corresponding with someone.
And it all started
when those townspeople came to visit.
I'm starting to suspect that my mom
- Ryczyński. [kisses]
- Adamczewska.
is having an affair with Ciesław.
[distorted, mysterious music plays]
[tapping]
[insightful tone plays]
I've been pondering what I'll say
when I'm standing over Jeremi's corpse.
[saw grating]
I was thinking something like,
"You shouldn't have insulted me."
- Cool. That's very cool.
- [horse nickers]
I was also thinking, maybe,
something that rhymes to lighten the mood.
[goat bleats]
Like, I'll cut off his head,
and then I'll say,
"Hey, Fred, where's your head?"
[Jakub sniggers]
But his name is Jeremi, so I don't know
- [man shouts a battle cry]
- [slices]
- [saw grating]
- [man grunts loudly]
- [screaming]
- [blade whooshing]
- [grunts]
- Ha!
Look at him go, Dad.
My dad rules!
So flail as much as you want!
My dad's gonna end you, Fred!
- His name is not Fred!
- [horses neigh]
- [chickens clucking]
- [screams]
So? Who cares?
- [Jeremi grunting]
- [dramatic music playing]
- [blade clinking]
- [rooster crows]
[ropes whooshing]
- [sighs]
- [blade whooshes]
I've been visualizing our duel all day.
And I'm not gonna lie
I win every time.
[shouts an awkward battle cry]
- [sighs, groans]
- [chickens clucking]
[shouts a high-pitched battle cry]
What do you think of that, eh?
I suppose the good news is
there's room for improvement.
[emits another battle cry, sighs]
Good enough to take Jeremi down?
[valiant drum music playing]
Jeremi?
- [chickens clucking]
- Do you mean "Sudden Death" Jeremi?
[sighs deeply]
I don't know. That tiny guy.
Andrzej's cousin. The shrimp.
- That's "Sudden Death."
- [eerie note plays]
What's with the nickname? Were there a lot
of sudden deaths in his family?
Sudden Death
is the fourth-best swordsman
in our region.
- [war bonnet clatters]
- [chickens cluck]
[grunts]
He's won at least seven recent duels,
that I've heard of.
What possessed you
to agree to a duel with Sudden Death?
Jeremi.
Can we just call him Jeremi
for now, all right?
All right.
But now I'm starting to wonder if maybe
Jeremi is visualizing a different outcome.
- [grunts, yells]
- [rock thuds]
- [shrills]
- [valiant drum music playing]
- [shouts a high-pitched battle cry]
- [door creaking]
[metallic clinking]
- [Aniela] Um
- [objects clatter]
[Aniela] Jakub, have you seen Mom?
Uh, she's not lying prostrate
in the drawing room?
- [Aniela] No.
- [odd music playing]
Is she lying prostrate in her bedroom?
[Aniela] No.
No clue, then.
[door creaking]
[gasps]
What does my mom need
a dress like that for?
It's not a church dress, right?
- [Zofia] Marianka! Is the carriage ready?
- [Aniela gasps]
[lute-inspired rendition of
"The Final Countdown" by Europe playing]
Things aren't looking that great
right now.
However, Jan Paweł
couldn't have chosen a better trainer.
- [Jan Paweł yelps]
- Attack the sack!
I'm a battle-hardened fellow.
- [grunts]
- [Bogdan yells]
I'm a veteran of many Polish wars.
- Now, attack the sack in the fog!
- [screams]
[Bogdan] Again! Well done! Duck!
- [Jan Paweł strains]
Come on! Come on!
All the battles went
pretty much the same way.
The opening fight
- Now go higher!
- [Jan Paweł groans]
- The definitive fight
- [screams awkwardly]
And the fight for honor.
[concluding musical chords play]
- [music stops]
- [chickens clucking]
Bogdan, you're napping,
and the duel is in just a few hours.
[Bogdan] I'm not napping, Jan Paweł.
This is a tactical maneuver.
I deployed it in the Battle of Mątwy.
It's called "Playing Dead."
Once you've mastered this part,
feel free to add some convulsions to it.
[clattering]
[Bogdan moaning]
Oh, and no talking.
Dead people don't talk.
Bogdan, I'm not going to play dead.
- Besides, only an idiot would fall for
- Oh, no. Is Uncle dead?
I'd better check if he had any coins,
so the peasants don't steal them.
- [Bogdan shouts, laughs] I still got it!
- [Jakub exclaims]
[clang]
First of all, I just wanted to thank you
for giving me a chance.
This is my first conspiracy, you see, and
I'm grateful to be going
on this journey together. [sips]
Wait, so you also wanna escape
from the village?
What? No. [laughs]
[Izaak] I don't want to be hanged. I
I I meant it metaphorically. [chuckles]
The punishment for escaping is hanging?
- I mean, if they catch you.
- Well, is there a chance that they won't?
[inhales]
- [Bogdan] Hey, Lithuanian!
- [tense tone plays]
Did you touch my pile of breadcrumbs?
They were right here.
[distrustingly] Wait a sec.
A peasant and a Jew in the same room?
You must be plotting.
Uh, no. Not at all. [chuckles nervously]
That's just pure antisemitism, you know.
Thank you.
[Izaak] Uh, and anti
Is there a word for
prejudice against peasants?
There is. Patriotism.
Be careful. I'm watching the both of you.
[pensive music playing]
[clatters]
I knew it! My face is too revealing.
I'm a shitty plotter!
I shouldn't be doing any plotting.
- I should be minding chickens!
- Hey. Hey. Hey. Izaak, whoa.
- [Izaak breathes heavily]
- We were talking about my chances.
Your chances?
[inhales]
- [hopeful music plays]
- [Izaak] Well, you do have a chance.
But the question is,
have you already made up your mind?
And are you truly ready to abandon
everything and everyone you know?
[sips]
[mysterious music playing]
[door creaks]
[horse neighs]
[scythe beating]
[drops]
- [Maciej] Aniela.
- [goat bleating]
- [horse neighs]
- [chickens clucking]
- Aniela, do you have a sec?
- I don't.
And even if I did,
I still wouldn't have a second for you.
[villagers chatter indistinctly]
Aniela?
It's important.
It isn't to me.
[horse nickers, snorts]
[hoofbeats receding]
[hoofbeats grow faster]
[indistinct chattering]
- The cormorant is leaving the nest.
- [Izaak] Oh, do you enjoy birding?
- No.
- [mysterious music playing]
[deliberately] The cormorant
is leaving the nest.
[Izaak] Hang on.
You're not talking about
the cormorant.
Wait, am I the cormorant?
Am I failing my my community?
Do I have to leave?
No.
It's me. I'm the cormorant.
- [intriguing music playing]
- Right!
So let's go see
another cormorant
who can help take care of this.
- [distorted cat growl echoes]
- [mysterious music playing]
[sipping]
[mug taps on the table]
Uh, Stasia, Maciej needs
to get to Gaworki village.
What? Who?
This lady's the smuggler?
[Stasia] A varmint!
Oh. No, no.
No, no, no, no, no. He's not a varmint.
- She has a thing about varmints.
- Mm.
Maciej's a handsome bachelor.
Yes. Handsome.
So what do you want?
You hungry?
No.
- He wants to escape from the estate.
- Run away? [shouts] Oh my God!
Save us, Almighty God!
- Oh my beloved Mary! Oh my God! [sobs]
- [Maciej] Oh, no. I'm so sorry, ma'am.
My intention wasn't
to stress you out like this.
- I'm very sorry.
- It's all right.
- Stasia is a professional mourner.
- [in normal voice] That's right. Go on.
So, Mrs. Stasia.
In Gaworki, a touring theater troupe
is waiting for me.
[shouts] Jesus, no! Oh, Mary!
Oh, Holy Mother above!
- Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God [sobs]
- No. I can't do this.
I feel like
I'm just a disappointment to her.
- Hey. Stasia.
- Sure, sure. Stasia, Stasia!
It's always Stasia!
That's a lot of pressure, you know!
And what do I get, huh?
[sniffling] But I'll be fine.
- Say something! She's freaking out.
- [Stasia] Okay. [sobbing]
[in normal voice] Hey,
you know this plan of yours won't work.
[whining] Oh, my sweet Mother of God.
Oh God. Oh my God. [wails]
[smooching]
- [mysterious music playing]
- [horse neighs]
- [hoofbeats pounding]
- Halt!
[Izaak] Whoa.
- [chickens clucking]
- Who are you?
- An old woman with her grandson's corpse.
- [sobbing]
Which grandson is that?
[Izaak] Which grandson?
Um, well
Well, you know
- He was a normal grandson.
- You'll have to be more specific.
[whining] He was very nice
and very handsome.
[sobbing]
- [goat bleats]
- [Bogdan] Nice and handsome?
- Right. I remember a guy like that.
- Mm.
[villagers speaking indistinctly]
All right. You may go.
[whining] Oh, my beloved grandson!
[muffled sobbing]
Oh, my sunshine [wailing]
- [mourners sobbing]
- [Stasia] Holy Mother of God!
She has really bad luck
with her grandsons.
[blade clinking, swishing]
[clinks, slices]
- [thuds]
- [cow moos]
- [poultry honking]
- [Jakub scoffs]
Andrzej, uh
[saber rasps, clinks]
[Jan Paweł] Due to my fondness for you
[sighs]
I've decided
to forgive your cousin Jeremi.
[chuckles sarcastically] You forgive him?
[chickens clucking]
If your cousin's willing
to apologize to me,
then I'm prepared
to forget about the duel.
- [daring music playing]
- I've got nothing to apologize for.
[goat bleats]
You wouldn't have to kneel down,
although that would be a nice touch.
I'm not apologizing.
[cow moos]
[clicks tongue]
Andrzej,
I'm going to count down from three,
and that's gonna be
your cousin's last chance.
- Three
- [Jakub] Three
[music intensifies]
- Two
- Two
- [goat bleats]
- [music stops]
- [chickens clucking]
- What'd you say?
I said nothing.
I could've sworn
I heard you say, "I'm sorry."
- You didn't?
- [casually] No.
[saber clinks]
[horse neighs]
How do you say it anyway?
"I'm sorry" or "I'm sahrrey"? [chuckles]
I know you wanna trick me into saying it.
- Six
- [grand classical music playing]
- Five
- Five
- [music continues]
- [poultry honking]
- [Jeremi grunts in the background]
- [music builds, stops]
I've been dealing with
this little problem for a while.
And it finally looks like today
the little problem will work itself out.
[mysterious classical music playing]
Cieslaw's carriage is over there.
- [door creaks]
- [wing howling]
Unbelievable.
My whole life she's been telling me,
"Anielka, there's only one way to behave."
"Your choices are unbecoming for a lady."
We'll see who's unbecoming
once I catch her red-handed.
Boy, will she get an earful.
[gasps] Hey!
- Where did you get that dress?
- Lady Zofia gave it to me.
- [music stops]
- Wh what do you mean, she gave it to you?
[woman] Every week, she brings us gifts.
Maybe you'll get something too.
Hang on. What is this place exactly?
It's a shelter for single mothers.
[mysterious music resumes]
[children chattering, playfully shouting]
[indistinct laughing and chattering]
[concluding chords play]
[music stops]
Well, what can I say?
I'm not proud of myself.
I suspected my mother of the worst things.
[door creaks]
[creaks, slams]
[creaks again]
Only it turns out
she's been secretly coming to this shelter
for single mothers
to support those who are in need.
- [racy music plays]
- [shoe thuds]
Her and Rozalia.
- Two exemplary wives and mothers
- [Rozalia exclaims]
who, despite everyday hardships,
can still find the time to help others.
- [sighs]
- [Zofia and Rozalia giggling]
I suppose all I can do
is wear sackcloth and ashes
and concede that my mother meets
the rigorous moral standards
she insists on setting so high.
- [giggling continues]
- Case closed.
- [racy music continues]
- [Zofia and Rozalia giggling passionately]
- [saber clangs]
- [valiant drum music playing]
[cow moos]
Now, let your seconds come forward,
and they will select your weapons.
You see that, Dad? Nobles are showing up
from all around to watch your triumph.
- [all chattering, laughing]
- [nobleman 1] It's a good day to die.
[nobleman 2] Good to see you.
You look healthy!
Mm. You must choose between using a saber
or a flail.
God, honor, and homeland.
The three most common causes of death
among Polish nobles.
Just recently,
honor has become the most popular,
which is why we've introduced the option
to use flails in the duels.
Otherwise, there'd be a lot more killing.
Ah, what would become of poor Poland
without its nobility?
[valiant drum music playing]
Andrzej, which weapon
has Jeremi decided to use?
Since we'd like this duel
to provide the satisfaction
Jan Paweł so desires,
we're choosing the saber.
[arbiter] Jakub?
We're also choosing the saber.
[cheerfully] Hallelujah!
[laughs]
[coughs suggestively]
[couching louder]
- [goat bleats]
- [continues coughing suggestively]
- [sighs]
- [cow moos]
[clears throat suggestively]
Jan Paweł,
do you have something you want to say?
No. Not at all.
- [arbiter] Therefore, Jakub
- Wait a minute.
Saber
[coughs suggestively]
[coughs again]
The flail?
[clearing throat suggestively]
Or an axe?
Is it possible to choose an axe?
Yes, but axes will pose a much higher risk
of inevitable death.
[happily] Oh, excellent. Axes for us.
[tense music playing]
Your call.
Axes it is.
[breathes out, coughs in panic]
[birds singing]
Stasia?
From Adamczycha?
- Who's that?
- [Aniela] Aniela Adamczewska.
[Stasia] The lord's daughter?
You look beautiful.
No, my hair's a mess today. [chuckles]
Thank you for the compliment.
What are you doing here alone?
- You shouldn't be here alone.
- [sighs] I know, Stasia.
I don't know.
My head's been all over the place.
I thought that my mom
might be having an affair.
Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus!
- My God. Oh, that's awful. Oh my God.
- I know.
I thought she was acting weird,
but the weird one was me.
And the worst part is,
it's because of a guy.
[Stasia shouts] Holy Mother of God!
[sobs] Is he nice? Handsome?
- [in normal voice] Is he single? Mm.
- [poop thudding]
- [sentimental music playing]
- [chuckles dreamily] Handsome, yes.
- But not very nice.
- Ay, ay, ay, ay.
- So he's a varmint, then?
- He sure is.
And we don't have the same social status.
He's a peasant.
[Stasia shouts] Oh my God Almighty!
Oh, my holy
- I know, Stasia. But what can I do?
- [sobbing]
- The heart wants what it wants.
- [continues sobbing]
[Aniela chuckles softly]
- [sobbing shakily]
- [Aniela] Oh, Stasia, thank you.
You really are such a good listener.
[sobbing] Oh, go. [sniffling, crying]
[clattering]
[concluding chords play, music stops]
[gasps, sighs]
[thuds]
When Father started coughing at me,
I figured out what he was telling me
right away. He was saying,
"Choose the axe! Choose the axe, Son!
Chop, chop, chop, chop!"
- [laughs]
- Jan Paweł, you're my hero.
I admire your bravery.
It takes a lot of courage to face
Sudden Death.
Can we just call him Jeremi?
Like we always used to
up until this morning?
Now before we start the proceedings,
I'm obligated to present you
with the warning
from the Chancellor of Health.
Please note that duels carry a risk
of death and/or loss of limbs.
Are the opponents ready to begin?
[praying in Latin] Pater noster,
qui es in caelis,
sanctificetur
nomen tuum.
[chanting] Homo homini lupus est!
Homo homini lupus est!
- Whoo!
- All right, gentlemen.
Let the duel begin!
- [ominous music playing]
- [breathes heavily]
[Aniela] Hey!
- What are you doing?
- [nobleman] What's going on?
- Have you both gone crazy?
- [nobleman] This isn't the time or place
- [commotion]
- [nobleman 2] Get her out.
Aniela's right!
What are we doing? Are we crazy?
[emotional, dramatic music playing]
I don't know anymore.
I guess I wanted to impress my son.
To teach him all about honor.
But that's not what matters most in life.
We act all tough.
We spend hours comparing swag.
We don't let any slander slide.
- [motivating music plays]
- But what are we doing this for?
In life, what matters the most is
- To dance like no one's watching?
- [music stops]
- [horse neighs in the background]
- What? Nah.
The most important thing
in life is to impress women.
- [motivating music resumes]
- Look around. Not a single woman here.
I mean, besides my daughter.
Women don't care about any of this.
So then. if the women aren't watching us,
then why bother?
Isn't that right, Anielka?
Uh, not even close, Dad.
And so, I humbly swear
on my honor, and for my daughter's honor,
that I will not fight this duel.
It's your lucky day, Sudden Death.
We both swore we would fight.
Reneging on a duel is slander!
- [noblemen] Slander!
- [nobleman 1] Yes!
- Slander!
- [noblemen] Slander! Slander! Slander!
My lords, please! That's enough.
Since I won't be fighting,
one of you will have to fight for me.
- [dogs barking in the background]
- [Jan Paweł] Let's see.
You there!
Will you do it?
- Ready for the privilege of representing
- [axe rasps]
- [slices]
- [all scream and gasp in shock]
[dramatic music playing]
- [axe clinks]
- [all gasp]
[speaking indistinctly]
- [nobleman 1] That's crazy!
- [nobleman 2] Some of it got on my coat!
[noblemen continue speaking indistinctly]
- Exactly how I would have done it.
- [pants creaking]
- [music ends]
- [goat bleats]
I'm sorry.
I gotta go.
- [indistinct chattering]
- [footsteps receding]
Uh, I'll check to see if he had any coins,
so the peasants don't steal them.
[rustles]
This wouldn't have happened
if you'd fought!
[cow moos]
[metallic clinking]
That's fair,
but it's sort of too late to reverse it.
So let's all agree that your cousin Jeremi
is the honorary winner of the duel.
Congratulations Jeremi.
- [all applaud politely]
- [nobleman 1] Yeah, congrats.
[Bogdan] Peasant,
the nobleman is back in the house.
Remove your hat.
You lout. This is the third time
in two hours that I've come back,
and, every time,
I've asked you to remove your hat.
And you've ignored me every single time.
Show some respect
for your Sarmatian leader,
and take off your blasted hat!
[yelling] Do you hear me, animal?
Remove your hat!
[fire crackling]
[mysterious music playing]
[cormorant squawking in the background]
[music builds]
- [cormorant squawking]
- [music stops]
The cormorant has left the nest.
- [coin clinking]
- [wagon clattering]
[Bogdan] Jakub! Jakub!
- [horse nickers]
- [Bogdan] Jakub! Come quickly!
- The Lithuanian has fled!
- [dramatic music playing]
Are you sure
you've got the right Lithuanian?
Yes. It's him.
He took his things and vanished.
- I'll believe it when I see it.
- He can't have gotten far.
Release the dogs!
- [door slams]
- [music crescendos, stops]
[panting]
- [mellow music playing]
- [water boiling]
[Maciej] Oh, hey, roomie.
Want some hot water?
I just put the kettle on.
- [concluding chords play]
- [cormorant squawks]
I tried turning the other cheek,
but Jan Paweł's antics
have gone on too long.
I'm taking matters into my own hands.
Adamczycha will soon be mine.
[clattering]
Ah! Just don't tell anyone, okay?
I always do that. I spill the beans
and then there's no surprise.
So [shushes]
[shouts] Giddy up! Yah!
[laughs maliciously]
[dramatic classical music playing]
[Andrzej] Yah! [laughs maliciously]
- [malicious laughter continues]
- [dramatic music continues]
[music stops]
[pensive instrumental music playing]
[mysterious music playing]
[sad folk music playing]
[music stops]
[curious instrumental music playing]
[music stops]