1670 (2023) s01e07 Episode Script

1
[hunting call plays on trumpet]
[curtains screeching]
[solemn music playing]
This is where we're gonna have the hunt
Your wings are blocking the view.
in my beautiful playground.
Bogdan, what's the most important thing
when it comes to hunting?
- You, Jan Paweł?
- [laughs] No.
But that's a very good answer.
What I was looking for is "safety first."
Whenever you give guns to men,
women, and children above the age of four,
check the surroundings for bystanders
who may get shot by accident.
Jan Paweł?
- Oh, that's not good.
- [music stops]
Another reason to insist
on mandatory driving lessons.
We're just on a routine forest patrol,
and we've come upon obvious proof
of a traffic code violation.
[man groaning]
When we find the idiot responsible,
justice will be ruthless.
- Probably a Tatar road hog.
- [man groans]
[Jan Paweł] Well, well.
- Who do we have here, Bogdan?
- Ha! A drunkard.
[man groaning]
[Jan Paweł] Hey!
What's your name, drunkard?
- And what are you wearing?
- [man mumbles]
- [thuds]
- [cheerful folk music playing]
I'm in such a good mood. [chuckles]
Because someone has recently brought
new enjoyment into my world.
- [glass clinks]
- We're entertaining a magnate's son.
- Into our world.
- [goblet thuds loudly]
- He's a real golden boy.
- [whispers] Yes.
- Ah, more wine.
- [bottle clinks]
Chop, chop, chop.
What I like
about the magnate's son is that
his father has a title.
[wooden spoon whipping]
[sublime classical music playing]
[music stops]
[snorting]
[laughs euphorically]
[inhales sharply]
- [sighs contentedly]
- [back cracks]
- [hands tapping]
- [cheerful folk music resumes]
Ah! Big merci for towing us.
- [clatters]
- [sniffs] My father's carriages
[sips, groans]
[swallows, sniffs]
- are good for the scrapyard.
- [chuckles politely]
You'll have snuff with me
[sniffs]
won't you, Jan Pawełly?
[snuff tube tapping]
Uh
No. Thank you, though.
It's not really my thing.
Mm. What do you mean? Since when?
You should do a line or two
with our guest, my lord. [chuckles]
[man] Listen to your wife, man! Come on!
[Jan Paweł laughs nervously]
[sniffs, groans]
[snorting]
Ooh. [laughing]
[Jan Paweł coughing]
- And your daughter?
- Sorry, sir?
[Jan Paweł sneezes loudly, coughs]
This isn't her.
Move along, Marianna.
- Our daughter is prettier.
- [laughs]
I adore pretty things.
[laughs] Juicy ones too.
Oh! [laughs] Did you hear that?
- Just like our Aniela. [laughs]
- [man laughs]
I'll go fetch her.
[gentle music playing]
[snorts]
- [frogs croaking]
- [water swishing gently]
[music stops]
Hey.
Hey.
[Maciej] Are you painting yourself?
[inhales] My father's planning
to murder innocent animals in the forest,
so I'm ruining my portrait in protest.
Listen.
I'd like to apologize.
- Apologize?
- About the thing that I said
I acted like a real idiot.
You can admit when you're wrong.
I appreciate that.
I don't know too many guys
who can do that, Maciej.
And I don't know any girls
whose dream isn't
to marry a magnate's son
and bear his children.
[sighs] Just to be clear,
a relationship with a magnate's son
holds zero interest for me.
[Zofia] Aniela!
Come and establish a relationship
with a magnate's son!
- [horse neighs]
- [Zofia] And step on it!
- [paint brush clatters]
- [palette clatters]
[crickets chirping]
- [gentle music resumes]
- [Aniela sighs]
On behalf of Orzyc River Cruises,
I'd like to welcome you aboard.
Besides limited legroom,
we have mousetraps under our seats,
So, whatever you do,
don't reach down there.
For your onboard confessional needs,
we have our stern priest
who'll get you into heaven
in the unlikely event we hit rock bottom.
- Off we go.
- [merry lute music playing]
Bogdan, get in.
Come on. We're late.
Don't be silly. Hop on.
I'm traveling on business today.
Our services are needed,
to perform an exorcism on a villager.
Demand and supply, right?
I invited Bogdan along for some backup.
I still don't know why your dad
wouldn't let us take a wagon.
Cruising is, by far,
the safest means of transport.
According to statistics,
the chances of you dying
in a boating accident are
something like one in eleven.
- [classical music playing]
- This is our family's prized arquebus.
Génial! Have you ever killed anyone
or anything with it yourself?
Of course I have.
A wild boar and two ducks.
- Or three. [chuckles]
- [man laughs]
[chewing loudly]
No humans?
[music grows tense]
[laughs maliciously]
And what about you? Are you involved
in running the family business
with your father?
Nope. I'm studying in France.
- Oh! Do you have exams soon?
- I don't know. I think they're now.
[laughing boisterously]
[Zofia laughing disingenuously]
- [man] Oh là là! Bébé!
- [Zofia chuckles]
You must be the family's second
prized arquebus.
Sir Henryk, our daughter Aniela.
Sweetheart, I must say you look like
a blushing bride in that dress.
What a shame
you don't have a fiancé to go with it.
Henryk Lubopolski,
of the Lubopolskis.
Aniela Adamczewska,
of these Adamczewskis.
[laughs boisterously] A humorous one.
Yes, she has at least four humors.
[laughs] Jan, let's snuff! [chuckles]
- [continues laughing]
- [tense music plays]
[water swishing gently]
[Bogdan] How about we do
something to pass the time?
Do you know the game where I say a word,
and then you say a word
that starts with the last letter
of my word?
Yeah. Think so.
I'll let you go first.
Rations.
Sainthood.
Rations.
Sainthood.
Did I win the round?
I think it's a tie.
[dark music playing]
[music crescendos, stops]
So Henryk's father cracked
the Hundred Richest Poles list.
[pounding on door]
They currently own 90% of the resources
and assets of the entire Polish nation.
Of course, we're hoping
that as our country continues
to expand and develop,
that the chokehold on wealth and ownership
will be reserved to ten Poles at the most.
Sadly, we have some stubborn competition
vying for a spot in the top ten.
- Ow!
- [folk music playing]
- [rooster crows in the distance]
- [birds chirp]
I heard you have a visitor. Hm.
Come in, girls.
[music stops]
[cow moos]
[door creaks, slams]
[snorting]
[laughs euphorically]
[claps, sighs deeply]
[gulps, sighs]
And Tereska's great on the organ.
Oh.
[Zofia] Tereska?
I'm wondering if that ugly scar
on your shoulder still oozes.
[fire crackling]
[sighs]
It's your turn, Aniela.
I'm wondering what's your hidden talent?
[Jan Paweł breathes anxiously]
Well, my talents are many, Henryk.
But my favorite is quietly escaping
from a crowded room.
Ooh.
[Aniela] Have a nice day.
- [Andrzej snickers quietly]
- [footsteps receding]
[laughing boisterously]
[laughs disingenuously]
- It's magic!
- [Henryk and Jan Paweł laugh]
It reminds me of my ex
and my first cousin! [laughs]
She had a mouth on her too.
- [laughs]
- Your ex or your cousin?
They're the same person, Adam.
It's "Andrzej."
Eh, never mind. Adam, Andrzej.
It's close enough.
- [dramatic music playing]
- [door shuts]
Aniela! What's the matter with you?
Henryk adores you.
Don't blow this opportunity!
He's a child.
Besides that, he's a drug addict.
Just a minor snuff problem.
Anyway, would you rather have
a good husband with no money
or a crappy husband
with substance abuse issues,
but money out his you-know-what?
- This is a rhetorical question.
- Precisely.
- [cow moos in the distance]
- [Zofia sighing]
You know what the problem with knights
rushing to the damsel's rescue is?
The concept of mutual
consent is foreign to them.
- [somber music playing]
- [crows cawing]
We've arrived at the house
of the serf who wants to pay me
to drive the evil spirit
from his daughter.
Uh, I'll be honest.
After the whole fake Jesus fiasco,
I'm skeptical about the whole
"possessed by the devil" thing.
In general, I'm a rational guy
and don't subscribe to metaphysical ideas.
With the exception of my God and
all the rest.
Father. Father. [kisses]
Bless you for your presence.
- Something's wrong with our Dobrusia.
- The devil has claimed her soul.
The bill needs to be settled upfront.
During the exorcism,
the devil tempts me to jack my rates.
[laughs]
- Where's the girl?
- In her room.
[wind whistling]
[Bogdan] Weird.
The girl has her own room?
- [Jakub] No wonder she's losing it.
- [distorted bird calls echo]
[somber music intensifies]
- Ah.
- [goblet clatters]
I'm bored!
I need shenanigans.
Shen Shenanigans?
Sure. Shen Shenanigans.
Naturally. [laughs nervously]
Something fun.
- Some dancing.
- Right.
Jan Paweł. Bust a move for us, will you?
[both breathe nervously]
[Henryk] Dance!
[Jan Paweł] Ugh.
[feet stamping]
[singing gibberish]
- [Andrzej laughs]
- [continues singing]
[Henryk] You too!
[sighs]
- [Jan Paweł continues singing gibberish]
- [laughs boisterously]
And you too! Get in there! [laughs]
[Jan Paweł singing gibberish]
- Yes!
- [goblet clatters]
At last, we're having fun.
- [singing continues]
- [Henryk laughing]
What else is there? I'm getting bored.
We thought you might enjoy
hunting boar this afternoon.
- [singing stops]
- [tense music plays]
Fucking A!
[arquebus cocks]
- Don't shoot! Please!
- [trigger clicks]
- [Andrzej gasps in shock]
- [gasps]
[laughing madly]
[Jan Paweł and Andrzej laugh
disingenuously]
- [clicks, cocks]
- [screams happily]
- [laughing madly]
- [laughing disingenuously]
[somber music builds]
[crows cawing]
First of all,
you're having a really bad hair day.
Where is your comb?
[in unknown language and ominous voice]
Arghav vard
agrah vizars.
German.
- [bones cracking]
- [music intensifies]
You're addressing a man of the cloth.
You should sit up straight.
[growls]
Bogdan, this young lady deserves
to be spanked.
[bones crack]
[glass shatters]
[laughs diabolically]
[Bogdan] If she's not an at-risk teen,
I don't know who is.
- [bones crack]
- [growls]
We've been members
of the local animal lovers club for years.
We mostly go after deer,
wild boar, and pheasant,
but we love to kill anything
that moves as well.
[groans drunkenly]
- It's time to release the falcon.
- [laughs]
- Sorry, I'm afraid we don't have one.
- No?
- What do we have?
- Dogs.
- Huh?
- Release the beasts!
[dogs barking]
- [growling]
- Doggies! [kissing] Ah.
- [Henryk] Oh.
- Yes. The Dachshund.
The national dog of Poland.
- Mieszko, Chrobry and Fafik.
- [dogs continue growling]
All right.
I'm bored!
[groans]
- I say we have a contest!
- Uh A contest?
[Henryk] What did I just say, Adam?
- Are you a half-wit?
- He is.
The team that kills the best supper
wins my respect for the day.
[Zofia] We're here.
[Henryk] Oh.
We need to split into teams
and decide who goes
in the forest with whom.
- Uh, I'll go with my dad.
- [Henryk] Uh?
Aw. She admires her old man. [laughs]
[Henryk] Uh. I need someone
to carry my wine jug.
So
[Henryk groaning loudly]
Let's go!
[dog barks, growls]
- ["Morning Mood" by Edvard Grieg playing]
- [birds singing]
[music stops]
- [cuckoo sings]
- [Henryk] These trees are pathetic.
All my dad's trees are twice this big.
[cuckoo sings]
[soft growling]
- [wine sloshing]
- Quiet.
Do you hear that?
Hear what?
[gasps quietly] I know that sound.
That growl.
[tense music playing]
It's a bear.
[Henryk farts]
[laughs boisterously]
I just adore simpletons.
You're so easy to make fun of.
[laughing]
Ah Have you been living
in this dump for a while?
I came here a few months ago, sir.
[spits]
Do you know your lord's daughter? [sniffs]
Of course.
I mean, everyone does.
Ah. What does everyone say about her?
[slurps]
That she's a really great person.
Really smart
and caring.
Oh. Perfect.
She's just the kinda girl I need
to be my first wife.
- [slurps, swallows]
- [cup clatters]
[suspenseful music playing]
- [Aniela] Dad, don't!
- [whimpers]
- No! [gasps]
- [blasts]
- Ah [panting]
- Aniela.
[Jan Paweł sighs]
- We would've won the contest.
- [scoffing]
I can't stand by
while you kill creatures for sport.
Sweetheart What's gotten into you again?
[sighs]
Animals need exercise,
and inviting them
to the hunt gives them that.
You're stressing them out.
Stress is good.
It teaches them to survive.
I'm trying to bag a husband
for you, darling.
But you're really not making it easy.
I've told you a thousand times,
the last thing I wanna do
is marry a magnate's son.
Yeah?
Really.
I thought you meant the opposite.
When you told me,
"I don't wanna marry a magnate's son,"
you were trying to say,
"I wanna marry a magnate's son."
You know, like you women always do.
[chuckles] Do you really want me
to spend the rest of my life
with that buffoon, Dad?
[cuckoo singing]
- [Jan Paweł sighs]
- [Aniela scoffs gently]
I admit, he does get on my nerves.
[sighs]
Okay, Aniela.
I'll give it some thought.
Anyway, we're out of the competition.
[cuckoo continues singing]
Not yet we're not.
[ominous tone rises]
Our attempts to discipline the girl
were to no avail.
- We have theories about that.
- [Dobrusia growls]
I think the failure's due
to cultural differences.
Because, as so often happens
in today's society,
foreigners do not assimilate well
into Polish culture.
Please refrain
from cracking your pelvic bones
when your elders are speaking.
- [bones cracking]
- [growling]
I see it differently.
Basically, I see this
as a textbook example
of loosy-goosy parenting.
[retches, spits]
[shrieks]
[roars diabolically]
Could be food poisoning.
- [Dobrusia whispering indistinctly]
- Tell us what you've had to eat lately.
Give her a kerchief.
Her face is disgusting.
[growling]
- [dramatic music playing]
- [Bogdan screams]
- [Dobrusia roars ghastly]
- [thunder booms, rumbles]
- [Dobrusia shrieks]
- [music intensifies]
[silence falls]
[Dobrusia] What happened?
[elongated] Oh!
You're not getting off that easy.
Go think in the corner!
Bogdan?
[clattering]
I found a cookie.
I have to say,
I'm very pleased with today's exorcism.
We rocked it.
Today was a stark reminder
of where we're headed
if we spoil our young people.
[scoffs] Children need structure.
It's comforting to know
that in this ever-changing,
fast-paced world we live in,
villagers are willing to trust two men
and their paternal instincts
to guide a teen
through the onset of puberty.
What can we say?
We deserve a hand.
I agree.
[inspirational music playing]
Jakub, can you picture a world
in which two men would be able
to raise a child as their own?
I'm afraid I can't dream that big,
my friend.
Hm
Let's hit the road.
[ominous music plays]
- [blows]
- [birds singing]
[sucking]
[puffs]
[coughs]
So [gasps, coughs]
What you're saying is
that she has foul breath,
and she's flat-footed?
- That's what they tell me, sir.
- [breathes intensely]
You got vicious tongues in your village.
Maybe. Except that's how she is.
And she's stupid.
Someone once asked her
what two plus two is.
You know what she said?
Two plus two is close to 138.
Huh. When I asked earlier
you told me she's brilliant.
Mm. Those were our instructions
from her parents.
They're trying hard to pawn her off
to some poor sucker.
I'll just have to teach her everything.
I think we'll start
with what happens in the marital bed.
[moaning loudly]
Ah
You want to know what I really suspect?
That you're the one
who's trying to pull the wool
over my eyes.
You're telling me all these lies
because you don't want Lord Henryk
to snatch the girl you're in love with.
You want to keep what's-her-name
all to your lowly peasant self.
[sighs]
I promise I'll think of you whenever
I enter her.
[Maciej huffs angrily]
[Henryk grunts, coughs]
- [laughs]
- [tense music plays]
[inhales] Ah
Finally, there's some action, huh?
But you'll hang for it.
[laughing]
Lord Henryk! I didn't mean it! Wait!
Please, wait!
Lord Henryk!
- Here it is.
- [classical music playing]
The greatest kill of the hunt. A boar.
I merely grazed the vicious beast,
but my valiant daughters finished it off
with their bare hands.
Seriously, ladies?
Whatever it takes,
if it gets us a fucking palace.
Huh. And how did you fare, Jan Paweł?
Extremely well,
as you can see from our trophy.
Huh. Are those tomatoes?
You call that a hunting trophy?
Yes, I do.
Eating lots of fruits and vegetables is
the latest trend in nutrition.
It's good for digestion.
That's ridiculous.
You're disqualified.
- Wojciech?
- Mm-hmm?
- When was the last time you ate meat?
- I don't remember, my lord.
You see, Andrzej?
Even peasants are giving up meat.
Maybe your Jeremi would've fared better
in the duel if he had eaten more veggies!
Just keep flapping your gums, Jan Paweł.
All talk, no action.
But you know who is getting some action?
Remember our friend Ciesław?
The one with the wife
whose fingers fell off?
I went to see him to strike
a deal after your big duel.
[laughing maliciously]
He's agreed to sell my grain
across the Netherlands.
- And I'll make bags of cash. This big.
- [Jan Paweł] You?
And why didn't he make me such an offer?
[Andrzej] He did. You're an idiot
who wouldn't listen to him.
This is gonna put me in another league.
I'll become a magnate,
buy all of Adamczycha,
and never have to look at your no-good,
lying, rotten face again.
But first, I'm gonna marry my daughter
to that idiot.
Over my dead body!
- [leaves rustling]
- [Jan Paweł] An elk!
- This'll get me first place.
- Keep dreaming.
I'll be the most famous Jan Paweł
in the history of Poland,
and no one will to stop me!
And I'll be the greatest Andrzej
in the world!
- I'm faster than you are.
- [Andrzej] Like hell you are!
- [bullets blast]
- [splatters]
[music stops]
[tomatoes thudding]
[spurting]
[thuds]
Holly fuck.
[leaves rustling]
[thunder rumbles in the distance]
I'm a big enough man to say it, Jan Paweł.
You were faster.
[breathing shakily]
I'd like to think so,
but I just loaded my gun.
What?
Then fire it.
- [inhales, puffs]
- [scoffs]
- You just killed Henryk Lubopolski.
- I didn't. You were faster.
I don't think that's
what really matters right now, you two.
Are you saying that we shouldn't worry?
No, I mean
you better get your stories straight
for whomever comes looking.
They'll miss him, eventually.
[mysterious music playing]
- [music stops]
- [birds singing and trilling]
[exhales forcefully] Uh
What tragic accident occurred here
earlier this morning.
- A magnate's son
- Uh, Henryk Lubopolski.
Yeah. Uh
was driving his carriage through here,
when an elk suddenly surged onto the road.
- An elk.
- Yeah.
And said elk spooked the horse.
Unfortunately, this happened
after Henryk had taken lots of snuff.
Mm Which made it hard
for him to control the carriage.
He was killed
when his carriage crashed into a tree.
Yes.
And his head exploded like a melon.
[sublime classical music playing]
[merry folk music playing]
[dramatic classical music playing]
[concluding note plays]
[bright classical music playing]
[gentle instrumental music playing]
[lute music playing]
[dark music playing]
[music stops]