3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Ab-Dick-ted

- What are you doing? - I'm waxing the floor.
It's nice to know that every time I take some responsibility, I move a step closer to my promotion.
You're on the road to the top.
And I don't care who I step on to get there.
Well, nice job, Harry.
Ha! Floor's so shiny, I can see up my own dress.
That's enough.
Sally-- - you touched my radio.
- No, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I always leave it tuned to big country 902.
I turned it on, and out came mucho salsa 106.
Well, you used my leg razor to shave your stupid face.
That's because the delicate handle is easier to grip.
Listen, Mr.
Anal, I am sick-- hey! Am I gonna have to separate you two? All we seem to do is argue ever since we came here.
- I don't want to talk about it.
- We studied nine galaxies in perfect harmony.
And we didn't leave scuff marks.
We seem to be annoyed with each other.
And as fascinating as that is, it's irritating as hell.
- Sally? - I'm sorry.
I wasn't listening.
I just got a shooting pain in my head when you began to speak.
August finds us quite charming in our naive determination to stay together.
You tell your little girlfriend August to mind her own business.
- Yeah, and don't drink out of the milk carton.
- Fine.
Look at this.
We're failing here.
We're a family.
We're supposed to be getting along.
We've got to work on this.
Could you please take this argument off my linoleum floor? - Come off it, Harry.
- Harry, you know what? I'll give you your promotion if you don't say "really" in the next two minutes.
- Really? - You lose.
Dick, she tricked me.
I don't want to talk about it! Well, I guess I just can't have nice things.
- What are you doing under my desk? - Sleeping.
- Why? - Because the top of your desk is hard and cold.
You do have a bed at home, don't you? Yes, but I can't stand my house.
It's filled with family.
- If I lived with my brother, it wouldn't last a week.
- You have a brother? That's great.
Tell me about him.
Well, he hasn't quite gotten settled yet.
I don't think he's met the right woman, not that women are put off by him.
Well, some are.
- Most are.
- What does he do? Something different every year.
Right now he's restoring houses.
I have a picture of him.
- Is this him? What a gut.
- No, that's my mother.
- That's Roy.
- Why don't you call him? I'd like to meet him.
- We don't get together much.
- You don't get along? - No, it's just hard.
- Does he live far away? From my house? Three, four blocks.
- So you choose to have nothing to do with him.
- That's not true.
- You don't see him.
- Not very much.
- But you'd like to see him? - N-not very much.
- Then you don't want to have anything to do with him.
- I didn't say that.
- Well, why don't you call him? - Fine, I'll call him.
- Yes! - We've been meaning to get together.
- I'll ask him to drop by.
- Wonderful.
And when he gets here, just act normal.
I'd ask you to do the same, but I'm afraid that ship has sailed.
Roy? Tommy, would you sign my worksheet? Sure.
What did you do? Well, I pre-peeled all these bananas for eating ease.
- Well, good job, Harry.
- Yeah.
Now I know why I like you, Tommy.
You're always supportive and patient with your family.
Just the kind of guy I am.
You spend a lot of time taking care of other people's needs, - except mine.
- Yeah, well-- wait, am I in trouble? How did I get in trouble? You're not in trouble.
We're in trouble.
I really hope we don't have to break up.
Break up? We're not-- when did we break up? I think it would be good if we focused more on each other.
I'll show you focused.
Let's go to a movie Friday night.
- I don't know.
- August, please.
Please? - You're so needy.
- I'm sorry.
No, I like that in a man.
No, Sally, I will not apologize.
- And let me tell you what-- hello? Hello-- Sally, I am the high commander, and you are not allowed to hang up on-- hello? - Sally? Dr.
Solomon, this is my brother Roy.
Whoa! Your head is huge.
Oh, thank you.
- Enormous! - It's a pleasure to meet you.
How do you get any work done with all these 18-year-old butts waving in your face? I try, I try.
- So, tell me all about yourself.
- Well I mean, it must be fascinating restoring houses.
I don't restore houses.
I sell vinyl siding.
I think you underestimate the effect vinyl has on houses.
Listen to her.
She's always bragging on me 'cause she loves me, - 'cause she's my monkey girl.
- Don't do the monkey girl-- aren't you the monkey girl? No, you're the monkey girl.
- You want to hear the monkey sound? - Please.
Please, not the monkey sound! No-- Ow! No, stop.
Ah, ah, ah, ah! This is wonderful.
Playful sibling aggression.
It's fantastic.
Please continue.
Mary: no-- ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah! You must be Roy.
We've spoken.
- I'm Nina.
- Hey! It's nice to finally meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Gosh, you don't sound black on the phone.
It's just something I picked up in spy school.
Ooh, he's nice.
I have a great idea.
Why don't the two of you come over for dinner tonight at 7:00? - No, no, no, no.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I think the monkey might want to go.
- Yes, yes, yes! Oh, wonderful.
Roy, you are the perfect brother.
This is the guy you said was a pompous ass? That's me.
Sally, the albrights will be here any minute now.
This is a special occasion.
Where's the salmon mousse, the duck terrine, the smoked chub? You know, Dick, I have a cleaver in my hand.
I got a date with August.
Don't wait up.
Oh, no.
No, no.
Albright and her brother - are coming to dinner tonight.
- So? You've got to see them together.
They're just adorable.
Their relationship is everything that our family's isn't.
Well, then you just take good notes because tonight is my chance to get into Braville.
You can go to Braville some other time.
Mary: hello! Is it safe to come up? Come on up! Come on up! Welcome, Albright children.
Oh, allow me to take your coats.
Dick, make a note of it.
I am taking initiative and their coats.
Good for you, Harry.
That's my brother Harry, and this is Tommy, my son.
Hey, partner! How're you doin'? Hey, what's that? A quarter? Oh, I get it.
You're trying to impress a youngster with what you think is a mystifying feat of trickery.
He's a smart one, this one.
Cut your hair.
You look like a girl.
Sit down.
Everybody just make yourselves comfortable.
Let me have that.
- Can I have a glass of that now? - Harry, take the wine.
Wine taken.
Jordan H.
Almonds! You are one beautiful woman.
Why does every man I meet have to remind me of that like I'm going to forget? Sally, as siblings, Roy and Mary are fun-loving and playful.
You know, Mary and I are thick as thieves.
Monkey, remember the time mom found all my "playboys," and you said they were yours, and you had to spend two years in therapy? Harry, come on in here.
Let's all, uh be sociable.
- Here-- - I was sitting there.
Just-- just relax.
Interact naturally.
Okay, Roy, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you start things off by telling us some amusing family story? Well, I don't know how amusing this is, but this is the most amazing thing that ever happened to me.
No one wants to hear your stupid story.
No, I think they do want to hear my stupid story.
No, they don't.
Yes, they do want to hear my stupid story.
Dick: this is fascinating.
Roy, Roy, Roy! Please continue.
You're going to think I'm crazy, but I was once abducted by an alien spacecraft.
Excuse us.
Mary: you promised you wouldn't talk about that.
I promised I wouldn't talk about your chin implant.
No, no, no! We're not killing anyone.
Spacecraft, you say? Roy: I guess a layman would call it an abduction, but what those space people did to me that night was more of a spiritual kidnapping.
Yeah, right, aliens traveled billions of light years through space to ram a probe up Roy Albright's butt.
Tell us about the space people, Roy.
I'm driving along the road one night really late, and then I pull off into this cornfield.
And then all of a sudden, I see this rip in the atmosphere.
And then hovering right over my head is this giant hovering thing.
It was a weather balloon.
Except weather balloons don't poke you in the eyes with needles.
Well, that doesn't sound like anyone we know.
I mean we know.
- Go on.
- I'm in the spaceship, and I'm surrounded by all this - foam? - Exactly.
Roy, you were never in a spaceship.
I was in a spaceship and I have the scars to prove it! Roy lewis Albright, if you have one decent bone in your body, you will not do this to me.
So, anyway, you can see where that's it, no more.
I need some air.
- Dr.
Albright! - Let her go, Dick.
Go on, Roy.
The next thing I know, I'm being sucked up inside this big hose.
- Sally: the big hose? - The big hose.
Dick: Roy, will you excuse us? - Sally: now we have to kill him.
- You are overreacting.
Dick, he could turn us in.
Do you really want to be the subject of some alien autopsy show on the fox network? You're jumping to conclusions.
And fox is not a network.
We don't have all the facts yet.
- I'm in charge of security, and I say we kill him.
- I am the high commander, and I'm putting this decision on hold.
I'm going to check on Dr.
You go entertain Roy! I'll pull a quarter out of his ear.
I'll pull his brain out of his ear.
- You all right? - Yeah.
I'm sorry about Roy.
I told him not to tell that story, - but he never does anything I ask.
- That's Sally all over.
It's hard being the oldest.
They think we're trying to run their lives.
When all we're trying to do is control them.
Do you think that Roy actually was abducted by aliens? No, but I prayed for it every night as a kid.
What about you? Do you think there's intelligent life up there? There? No, not there.
- Dick, can I talk to you for a second? - Can't you see I'm busy? Okay, let me rephrase this.
Dick, can I talk to you for a second? Excuse me.
- This had better be important.
- I don't know if it's important or not, - but you know that cornfield down by the interstate? - Yes.
Sally took Roy there to kill him.
But sorry to interrupt.
Oh, damn! She's willfully disobeying my orders.
And in a cornfield? That's such a cliché.
So, hey, the kids went down to the cornfield to have a little fun.
- Let say we join them.
- I don't want to go to a cornfield.
Maybe the monkey wants to go to a cornfield.
- What? - Does the monkey want to go to a cornfield? Don't you dare.
- All right, all right, all right! - Good, let's go! Hello? - August? - We had a date tonight.
Cornfield time.
Either you go with him and live his life, or you come with me and live yours.
But he needs me.
Maybe next week you can try and get to first base - with your dad.
- Dick: Tommy! Bye-bye, Dick.
I like the way you work.
You looked, you saw, you took.
Now, can we lose Forrest gump over there? You're absolutely right.
I'll go talk to him.
I can handle this myself.
Please, Sally, let me kill him.
- It'll look so good on my résumé.
- The answer is no.
Oh, Sally, please.
- Please.
All right.
You want the job, it's yours, but we do it my way.
Hey, what's going on over there? The action's over here.
Coming! Okay, take this rock.
When you hear me say the words, " big dipper," bash him over the head.
- Can you do that? - Prepare to be dazzled.
- So you couldn't shake him, huh, babe? - No.
Uh Roy, look over there.
It's the big dipper.
- Roy? - Oh, yes.
No, that's Orion's belt.
Excuse me.
Give me the rock, rockhead! Now just stand guard.
- Prepare-- - Shut up! You sure you don't mind seeing this movie? Oh, no.
Anne Bancroft, Olympia dukakis, and holly hunter? What teenage boy wouldn't want to see this movie? August, do you get along with your family? No.
My father doesn't give me any credit.
He still treats me like a little kid.
- He doesn't recognize how old I am on the inside.
- Me, too.
- You know, we really have a lot in common.
- Yeah, we do.
You really want to see this movie? There's no one in my house.
- I want to see the movie.
- Me, too! See how much we have in common? Two, please, for, um "they came to talk.
" You're a big girl, aren't you? You know what really makes me hot? Tell me.
The back of a man's head.
Well, then feast your eyes on this.
- Oh, yeah! - Whoa! Dick is coming.
Halt operation kilroy.
Dick, what a pleasant surprise.
You'll know this one.
Now, is that the big dipper-- don't try to kiss up.
Your ass is grass.
I can't believe you, Roy.
This is where that Ufo story always ends up-- you and a woman in a cornfield.
You make me sick.
I did not ask to be beamed on board that ship of unspeakable horror.
Excuse me.
Beamed? You said "sucked.
" - No, I said "beamed.
" - Who heard "sucked"? - Well, yeah.
- You're lying.
- I'm lying.
- He's lying.
I have had it with you.
Name one thing I did wrong tonight.
You lied, you embarrassed me, you were yourself.
Well, if you're going to nitpick, - I'm leaving.
- Thank god.
So, I'll see you on mom's birthday? - Yeah.
You want to go in on a present? - Nothing over 40 bucks.
You got it.
I need a ride.
- Oh, really? - Sally.
Hey, wait for me.
- What just happened here? - What do you mean? You're going to see him at your mom's birthday? Yeah.
It's a birthday.
He's family.
So, no matter how obnoxious you are, how much of a burden you become, you can still count on the forgiveness of your family? Yeah.
Even if they touch your radio and refuse to make smoked chub and disobey your orders not to kill? Yeah, even then.
That is so beautiful.
I'm a brother.
All right, Dick, come on.
I disobeyed orders.
I deserve some punishment.
What'll it be? Well, Sally, ordinarily I'd send you to some desolate moon and make you stand in a crater and think about what you've done, but I've realized that I've got to accept your flaws and your inadequacies because you're my sister now.
And even though sometimes you tick me off, I think I I love you.
- What? - You're my little sister, and I love you.
Now, how does that make you feel? Well, um I want to blame you for everything and push you off the roof.
Well, that's great, because Dr.
Albright loves her brother and she feels the same way.
Great, 'cause that's how I feel.
- I'm so glad we've got that settled.
- Me, too.
Whoa! I love you, too.
Dick: I'm so happy!