3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Frozen Dick

Guess what, you guys, I got a new job.
- Sally: another job? Where? - At Gung-ho videos.
My command of the vernacular impressed both Mr.
Gung and Mr.
Ho.
- Congratulations, Harry.
- Good for you, Harry.
It's freezing out here.
Dick, can we go inside now? No, we're here to experience everything on this planet, even the uncomfortable parts.
I have some very uncomfortable parts.
They said on the news that the dew point is dropping.
- What does that mean? - I don't know.
It just caught my attention ' cause it sounded kind of dirty.
Why do humans spend so much time worrying about the weather? They can't go 15 minutes without getting an update.
Don't these people have windows? I cannot do a book report out here , Dick.
My fingers are going numb.
- Can we please go inside now? - Absolutely not.
This is research.
No one goes in without a damn good reason.
Does anyone remember what color our napkins are? - I think we should go check.
- Harry: let's go find out.
- Whew! I am freezing.
- Why don't you wear a longer skirt? With these legs? I don't think so.
Did you pick up my tickets? Yes, and your reservation for your hotel in Chicago.
There's your itinerary.
Nina, I can't believe this is happening to me.
Not every anthropologist receives this kind of honor.
I know, the Louis Leakey award.
To stand in front of a conference of educators and express my thoughts about my work.
This is going to be the best weekend of my life.
- Why are you looking at me that way? - No reason.
Dr.
Albright! Dr.
Albright! Guess what.
You and I are on the same flight.
Same row, side by side, strapped in at 38,000 feet.
Isn't that great? Why are you going to the conference? They're giving me some kind of academic award.
They hand these things out like candy mints.
Once we get that out of the way, the two of us get to experience the magic that is Chicago.
Well, once again something wonderful in my life has been turned into a giant crap fest.
What's the matter? You-- I guess she's just saving up her excitement for the crap fest.
- You just don't get it, do you? - What do you mean? There are people who have stress and people who give stress, - and you are a giver.
- That's nonsense.
- Dr.
Solomon? Well, come in, Leon.
Come in, come in, come in, all the way in.
Can I have the weekend to turn in my paper? Leon, do you find that I cause you stress? - Did someone say I said that? - No.
It was all a misunderstanding.
I love physics.
I find it very soothing.
I don't know what you've heard.
Please don't fail me.
I'll turn the paper in by Friday.
- That was a stress reaction, wasn't it? - Yes, it was.
Thank you, Nina.
You've opened my eyes.
I'm going to make sure that Dr.
Albright's weekend is stress-free, hassle-Free, and completely without unpleasantness.
Oh, you're not going? Oh, Tommy.
What are you doing here? I thought you had that book report due on dickens.
I was doing it, and it was so boring.
I realized I could save myself a lot of work if I just watched the movie.
I can't believe no kid ever thought of this before.
I'll help you as soon as I'm done reorganizing this place.
- Why? What was wrong with it? - It was a mess.
Everything was just lumped together.
You know, all the "A's," all the "B's.
" except for "x" which has its own room.
Well, how does it work now? Things are much simpler now.
Look.
Good movies.
Bad movies.
Movies I haven't seen.
Pardon me, where could I find "aliens"? Nowhere.
Not here, that's for sure.
Nobody here but us humans.
- La, la, la la, la, la, la stop looking at me.
Do you really think this trip is such a good idea? Chicago's really far, and I saw on Tv - something about a low pressure front moving in.
- Low pressure? That's exactly what Dr.
Albright needs.
- Ah, there she is now.
This doesn't feel right to me, Dick.
Separating from the unit for an entire weekend is madness.
As first officer in charge of security, I forbid it.
I am high commander, and I'm going.
- Come on, why? - Lieutenant, don't worry.
I'm prepared for every eventuality.
I think you're taking this far too lightly.
You've never traveled here before.
How do you know what to pack? - How will I reach you in Chicago? - I'm taking the phone.
You know the number.
Why are you taking refrigerator magnets? Chicago, the windy city? I think it's obvious.
What do you mean? Let's say an urgent message comes in for Dr.
Albright, and she's out sightseeing.
I lay it on the nightstand because I have no way of securing it to a metallic surface.
A gust of wind blows it under the bed, and Mary never discovers her long-lost identical twin, all for want of a magnetic banana.
That's exactly the kind of needless agitation that I intend to prevent.
Understood.
Travel well, commander.
I shall return.
What are you doing? I'm entering the pod.
For god's sakes, just sit down and behave yourself.
Of course I will, Mary.
Here I am, sitting.
You just be calm.
Take a deep breath.
Female flight attendant: Welcome to Northview Airlines Flight 604 to Chicago.
Oh, my god! Out there! There's something on the wing! - It's an engine! - This thing is a deathtrap! Sky waitress! Sky waitress! Please be quiet during safety procedures.
Safety? On this flying donkey cart? That's rich.
How can this woman stay calm when, at any second, we could go careening out of the sky in a flaming heap of twisted metal? - Sir, everything is going to be-- - At least give her a gelatin-filled helmet to keep her brain intact.
She's receiving an award! - Please sit down.
- No! We're getting off! Who's with me? I've never been kicked off a plane before.
Be grateful it was still on the ground.
- You could have told me you were afraid to fly.
- Only on airplanes.
Instead of a 45-minute flight, I have a seven-hour drive.
Don't worry.
I've anticipated your needs, and I'm ready to fill the remaining six hours and 50 minutes with mirth and merriment.
I brought "mad libs.
" I need the name of someone in the room.
- Dick.
- Dick.
This is funny already.
Look, it's starting to snow.
- Oh, my god.
- What's the matter? Haven't you ever seen a snowflake before? Yes, and I prayed I'd never see them again.
Turn on the high beams.
They fear the light.
Where can I find "remains of the day"? Oh, that would be in the "I didn't see it" section.
Wow, I've finally found what I was looking for-- "David Copperfield.
" It doesn't look boring.
He saws himself in half and makes the statue of liberty disappear.
Hey, look out the window.
They're here! They're here! Albino brain chiggers! Cover your ears! Harry! Harry! It's snow! Snow.
- Oh.
- I learned it in science class.
Come on outside with me and I'll show you how to write your name in it.
Oh, my god.
It's covering everything.
The whole town is being obliterated.
- Hello! - I'm up here! I'm up here.
I'm up here! Uh oh.
Uh okay, I know the term paper's late, - but my car wouldn't st-- - Who cares? You're alive.
You're alive.
Who are you? Oh, I-I'm a student of Dr.
Solomon's.
My name's Leon.
I'm a sister of Dr.
Solomon's.
My name's Sally.
Yeah, I know.
I saw you one day when you dropped off his lunch.
And then you went to the dry cleaners, and then to the shoe repair place, and then the car wash.
And then you went home and read a book by the window - for three hours.
- I remember that day.
Listen, Leon, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I think the earth is spiraling out of the sun's orbit and we're heading for a new ice age.
Uh did they say that on the news? No, but trust me, I've seen this happen before.
- We could be the last two creatures on earth.
- I don't know about that.
Our first responsibility is to breed.
We must, must copulate as much as we can.
Well, now that you mention it, I didn't see any people on the way over.
Damn! How are we supposed to do it with the lights out? A boy like that will kill your brother forget that boy and find another one of your own kind, stick to your own kind a boy who kills cannot love a boy who kills has no heart and he's a boy who has no heart, very smart - oh, no, Anita, no, you should know-- - Oh, my god.
- Fear has made you hysterical.
- Oh, no, no, no.
I just like to sing show tunes on long trips.
Before I found anthropology, I was going to be a theater major.
Did I ever tell you why I became a teacher? - I don't think this is the best time-- - Like all little girls, I had a thing for neolithic archeology.
My father used to cut up my barbies and bury the pieces in the backyard so I could discover them.
Only problem was, on my first dig I discovered I was afraid of skeletons.
- Boy, it's really coming down now.
- Poor, sweet, tiny Mary.
You can drop the brave front.
We're under attack.
Pull over.
- What? - I'm commandeering this car.
- Oh no, you're not.
- It's a full-scale invasion! - I'll save you! Are you getting the feeling back in your hands? - No.
- Well, the walk wasn't too bad.
Oh, yeah, the last four miles just flew by.
You plowed my car into a snow bank.
I know.
And we thought it was going to fight back.
Aren't we silly? If anything is wrong with that car, I am holding you responsible.
We've got to stick together.
The roads are closed.
And look around.
We're surrounded by Neanderthals.
That's a fair assessment, isn't it, fellas? Are you all right, honey? Yes, I'm fine, thank you.
You know, your boyfriend's kind of cute.
- Him? - The way he spent the last hour - knocking himself out trying to get your attention.
- He's an idiot.
Honey, they're all idiots, but this one is looking at you like you're the only woman on the planet.
Although you're real pretty, you're not exactly the last ham sandwich in hungry town, if you get my drift.
Yes? It did? Oh, my god.
Where? And you're sure? Thank you.
- Mary.
- Hmm? - That plane that I got us thrown off of - Yes? It never reached Chicago.
Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh! - Oh! - Yes, the airport was closed, and they were diverted to Gary, Indiana.
Gary is 20 minutes from Chicago.
Well, but it's an inconvenience nonetheless.
I think someone owes me an apology.
Okay, here are our rations-- tuna salad on whole wheat.
Sorry, all we have to drink is this giant bottle of wine.
It has a modest bouquet, but I think you'll be amused by its presumptuousness.
Whatever.
Well, Leon, - to the survival of the species.
- Oh, hmm, yes.
- Why are you nervous? - Well, it's just that I've never been with a woman of your good-lookingness before.
Yeah, I know, I'm hot.
It's kind of exciting for me, too.
All the men I've met have been strong and decisive, and you're neither of those things.
Well, I can be, maybe.
Probably not.
Oh, Leon, think what our offspring will be like.
They'll have my skills as a warrior and your fierce intelligence.
Dr.
Solomon doesn't talk much about me, does he? I think you're just trying too hard.
It's exhausting.
Nothing I do is right.
You see, that's your first mistake, you see what I'm saying? Women don't want you to do everything.
According to who? Oprah.
- Yeah, Oprah.
- So what do I do? Well, you want to give her what she wants when she needs it.
And you've got to try and understand it when she needs her freedom to want what she needs.
Yeah, and if she's free to want it when she needs it or not.
- You see what we're Sayin'? - Yeah.
You have got to pay attention to what she likes and share it with her.
- You see what he's saying? - You see what I'm saying? - You see what we're saying? - Yeah, uh-huh, I see what you're saying.
But what does she like? Oh, oh, oh! I know the perfect thing.
No, she hates that.
Ooh, I know! No, that made her throw up.
- It's hard, isn't it? - It is damn hard.
Oh-hhh klahoma where the wind comes sweeping down the plain don't even try it.
And the wavin' wheat can sure smell sweet when the wind comes right behind the rain oh-hhh-klahoma every night my honey lamb and I All: sit alone and talk and watch the hawk making lazy circles in the sky - we know we belong to the land - All: ahh and the land we belong to is grand yippee-yi, yippee-Yay, yippee-yay and when we say, yeow! Ayipioeeay, yeow! We're only Sayin', you're doing fine Oklahoma Oklahoma o-K-l-a-h-o-m-a Okla-hooo ma! Yay! I don't know why I was so afraid of the snow.
It's actually quite beautiful.
You know that slush down in the gutter? You call me crazy, but you put a little cherry syrup on that, you got yourself a cool, refreshing treat.
Here, listen to this.
"Charles dickens' 'David Copperfield' is an extraordinary book about a man who accomplishes many incredible feats involving Claudia schiffer handcuffed in an underwater tank with sharks.
" - That's good.
- Where are all the tapes? Well, we had a big night, but fear not.
We still got five copies of "johnny mnemonic.
" If that's not your cup of tea, we've also got "the making of johnny mnemonic.
" How about adult movies? We got "fat Fräuleins.
" "A lusty romp through the cheese and sausage shops of communist east Berlin.
" Forget it.
All right, give it to me.
So then Freddy stivender beat the crap out of me.
It was the talk of the school.
I was so embarrassed.
But after weeks of plotting, - I got my revenge.
- What did you do? I had my mom tell his mom.
I like your tactics.
You know, it may just be the wine talking, but I'm beginning to think in a crazy world like this, you and me just might make sense.
Hey, lights! They'll be out again in a second, if there's a god in heaven.
People are outside shoveling snow.
We're not the last people alive on earth.
Leon, you don't have to impregnate me! Uh oh, good.
Not to mention the ominous behavioral parallels between Australopithecus, euralopithecus - this is stupid.
- No! No, it's not.
So in accepting this award, I must pose the question, "has our journey from primate to man finally concluded, or has it just begun?" Wonderful.
Wonderful! Yes! Excuse me, Dick, but that road has been cleared for a good half hour out there.
Be all right if we just scoot on out of here? - Sure.
Sure.
- Thank you, ma'am.
Ma'am, I surely am sorry you didn't get to pick up your Leakey award.
Oh, Dick, I feel I owe you a thank you.
You certainly made the time pass.
I can't blame the weather on you.
Well, I could, but I won't.
- Sometimes things just don't work out.
- Oh, I don't know.
Sometimes on the way to what's supposed to happen something even better happens, which is why I am pleased to present you with this orb containing a diorama of the city of Chicago in a state of perpetual blizzard.
- It's remarkable, isn't it? - Yes, it is.
- And I have something for you.
- You do? - The crimson shovel.
- Oh, thank you.
- Let's go dig out the car.
- Absolutely.
It should be easy to find.
I left the lights on.