3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - The Dicks They Are A-Changin'

These deodorants are a rip-off.
They always run out by the time I get to my feet.
Dick, the mail's here.
Ooh, it's my package from the carousel Cd club.
- You infiltrated a club? - Good work, Harry! I got 10 CDs for one penny.
All I've got to do is buy eight more at regular store prices which are often at or below retail store prices.
- Well, way to go.
- Like taking candy from a baby.
Such primitive technology.
I wonder if the people on this planet will ever discover the superior sound of vinyl.
- What kind of music did you get? - I told them to surprise me.
Man: Oi - well, this is surprising.
Uh why am I doing this? Down on the street there is violence same reason I'm doing this, I suppose.
This is very powerful.
I'm feelin' funky.
This is not good.
- I can't stop! - Nobody panic.
- Let's get out of here! - We gonna rock down to Electric Avenue And then we'Il take it higher Oh, we gonna rock down to Electric Avenue enriched wheat flour, Butylated Hydroxyanisole, sodium acid pyrophosphate.
Needs more Butylated Hydroxyanisole.
Isn't this interesting? They opened up a hard rock cafe in Vietnam.
The world has changed, huh? It sure has.
Once it was completely covered with ice.
The administration office called.
They contacted Stanford about transferring your graduate records, but they don't seem to have them.
Are you implying that I don't have records? All humans have records, and I'm a human.
Therefore, I have records.
I'm sorry, but Stanford says they have no record of you at all.
Oh, those incompetents.
Do I have to fly out to Denver and straighten this out myself? Stanford's in California, not Denver.
Well, that explains it.
They lost my records in the move.
So you were at Stanford in the '60s.
- Ah, who wasn't? - I was at Berkeley.
God, that takes me back.
I remember I was at Stanford once to protest at-- there's only two things I know about the '60s: I wasn't born yet, and no one cares.
Peace.
- I guess you had to be there.
- Apparently so.
Out-of-control, mind-Numbing, self-destructive fun.
It sounds like a cliché, but I actually remember burning my bra in front of the Lincoln reflecting pool.
I hope you had the good sense to jump in and put yourself out.
God, I was a rebel.
How many roads must A man walk down before they call him A man? You wouldn't believe it to look at me now, but back then I was a wild woman.
If I wanted to do something, I just did it.
- Did you ever drop acid? - Oh, constantly.
- You did a lot of tripping? - That's how I dropped the acid.
No, seriously, I want to know.
- Were you involved in any movements? - Well, uh, uh, this one.
It's one of my favorites.
Dr.
Solomon, every time I ask you about your past, you change the subject.
You know who keeps changing the subject all the time? My students.
One of them is going to Alaska.
How's your brother? - Dick, I'm here.
Let's go.
- You heard him.
Gotta go.
- You call your father Dick? - Yeah.
When he was younger, I used to call him peanut.
Have to run.
See you tomorrow.
Have a wonderful night.
What about Tommy? He'Il miss you when you go Ma's on her own Karen's almost grown this is so sad.
Worried so country singers have really tough lives.
- Stay with Dad awhile - Why? What's her complaint? She lives in a trailer.
She could just roll away somewhere, and the Cd club would never find her.
What are you talking about? Do you have any idea what's involved with this? The paperwork, the decisions.
Why didn't I go with the cheese of the month club? No guesswork, just cheese.
That was a fiasco.
You're the information officer.
How can you brief us on American history and leave out an entire decade? So I left out the '60s.
Exactly how far back did you establish our identities? Five or six months.
Your assignment was to provide full and complete histories for all of us.
I had a book report due on "are you there, god? It's me, Margaret.
" Tommy, I'm not sure you understand the importance of this.
Humans are creations of their past.
Society, culture, even biology, demand that they carry around their past like baggage.
And your lack of effort almost exposed the entire operation.
Fine.
So from now on, my homework comes last.
Those are the house rules, mister.
Hello! Hello! - I found those books on the '60s.
- Good, good.
- Never mind the bourbon stains.
- Thank you, Mrs.
D.
Oh, the '60s.
What a lovely, lovely decade.
A lot of the stuff in this apartment is from the '60s.
Boy, classic things never go out of style.
Those long-haired freaks thought they were so cool.
Let me tell you one thing.
I was reading poetry with Jack Kerouac in a cage in 1956, both of us buck naked.
Yes, well, thank you for that disturbing visual.
I didn't hear Kerouac complain.
Aw, "the electric kool-Aid acid test.
" - Getting nostalgic? - Ah, yes, "those were the days, my friend.
" But you know, all this uproar, all this rhetoric, all this talk about mass movements-- what's happening here? History is made by the individual, not by the masses.
- Who said that? - I did.
- No, where is that from? - My mouth.
No, somebody said that.
Hello.
This is so weird.
This is so weird.
- Right on.
- You've been rinsed and hung out to dry.
Think about it.
Dig it, babe.
That's what's happening.
History is made by the individual, not by the masses.
- Who said that? - I did.
Wow! - All: wow! - That's beautiful.
Wow! - What's the matter? - I couldn't put it together until now.
It finally clicked-- the evasiveness, consistencies in your past.
Dick Solomon is a false identity, isn't it? False identity? Me? You could have trusted me, you know.
- Well, I, I, I, I-- - There are so many people in the government who would love to get their hands on you.
You can't let that happen.
They'd parade me around like an animal.
Don't worry.
Your secret's safe with me, Manny.
Manny Rosenberg.
- But I'm not Manny Rosenberg-- - Of course not, because Manny Rosenberg is still being hunted by the Fbi.
For food or sport? Wake me up before you go-go Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo Wake me up before you go-go - so Manny Rosenberg was-- - Wake me up - what? - Before you go-go Manny Rosenberg was an act-- - Wake me up - What? Excuse me.
Okay, where was I? Manny Rosenberg was an activist involved in inciting a riot in 1971.
- Is there anything else? - I'm looking, I'm looking.
All right, I found another box in the basement.
- What's "x-mas"? - I don't know, but it's got to be something psychedelic.
Check this out.
- This is heavy.
- Far out.
- My mind is blown.
- Who is this? I think it's jerry Garcia.
Look, here's a picture of Manny Rosenberg.
He looks exactly like you.
Oh, damn! I was supposed to get a completely original body.
Those guys in research can't do anything right.
What do you expect? They're non-union.
This could really be trouble.
Tommy, how are you coming along with our histories? I have them right here-- legal documents, school records, doctored pictures, the works.
Dick Solomon, class nerd, held back by a domineering mother, went to work for Nasa in '74, but was fired after a minor procurement scandal.
Newspaper clippings are enclosed.
Major burnout led to a string of second-rate teaching jobs, - yada, yada, yada, ending up here.
- This is excellent.
- What about me? - Stockbroker during the greedy '80s.
Made and lost several fortunes before psychological problems and gender confusion led to a sex change operation in 1988.
- I'm next.
- Harry, you're adopted, but we haven't told you yet.
Ohh, that's gonna hurt.
Dr.
Albright, I'm glad you're here.
Good morning, Dr.
Solomon.
Yes, well, I'd like to clear up a few misunderstandings about yesterday.
For some reason, you mistakenly think that I'm this Manny Rosenberg fellow.
Don't even bother.
I told you you could trust me.
You probably don't remember, but we've actually met before.
You spoke at my campus in '69.
Now, that's impossible.
I was in the circus then.
The flying solomoskis.
There were six of us.
Two of us plunged to our deaths.
I don't expect you to remember me, what with all the people you've met.
You're sitting on my desk.
You've never done that before.
Do you remember ever being at Berkeley, at a rally? You're not listening to me.
I brought all this in to prove to you-- - the stories you must have.
- What? You know I'd be lying if I said I found this less than intriguing.
Well, all those years underground, you do a lot of living.
Harry? You got another package from the Cd club.
I don't have time to listen to the ones I have.
Those demons, they're not human.
Neither are we.
Well, yeah, but we have an excuse.
Hello.
I'm off to Dr.
Albright's.
- She bought my phony profile, huh? - I don't even need it.
She likes me much better, now that she thinks I'm Manny.
Oh, great, so after all I went through creating a background for you? Do you realize I got you a weekend in Cancún with twin gymnasts? All I got at the orphanage was a beating when I asked for more gruel.
One pill makes you larger - And one pill makes you small - hello.
- For you.
You shouldn't have.
I'm glad you came.
And to think all this time I was just a desk away from danger.
The thought of the Fbi watching us right now is such a turn-on.
Yes.
And even if I wasn't Manny, it would be just as exciting.
Don't be silly.
Ooh! Are these "magic" brownies? Pepperidge farm.
You know, I think I have something.
I found it when I moved eight years ago.
It's in the freezer.
It's a joint.
Oh, a doobie.
Let's Bogart that fat boy.
You know what I regret? I never made it to Woodstock.
Ah, yes, Woodstock, the three-day concert held on a farm in upstate new York that included many of the most popular music bands of the time, felt to be the culmination of the counterculture movement, captured by the song, " Woodstock," by Joni Mitchell.
- Found it! - The song was popularized by Crosby, stills & Nash, which is ironic since theirs was the more commercial version which is the antithesis of the spirit of the festival.
Here we go.
This isn't a joint.
It's a frozen French fry.
Oh, well, I guess we'll just settle for wine.
You're an inspiration to all neo-trotskyite anti-Stalinist Marxists.
You know, you're pretty tuned in for a bourgeois chick.
Meet me on the waterbed upstairs in five minutes.
Oh, and, uh lose the pins.
What? Here's to waterbeds.
Here's to floor lamps.
Hello.
Carousel Cd club? - I'll call back later.
- Do not hang up that phone.
You can do this, Harry.
You can take your mind back, or at least what's left of it.
Okay, Sally, I will.
Listen to me, buster.
I'm not happy, and I want my money back.
- Very good.
- I'm supposed to press "2" now.
Yes.
Hello? We need to talk.
I'm at a place in my life where I'm just not ready for this kind of commitment.
I think it's best that we break free, go our separate ways.
You will? Oh, thanks! Hmm? Well yes, I guess I do have a friend who might be interested.
Her name is Sally Solomon.
Oh! Oh, I can't believe we're doing this.
Your hands are so small and delicate.
I'm not positive, but I think I can fit your entire foot in my mouth.
Oh! You are a superfreak.
"The kind you don't take home to mother.
" Oh, Manny, Manny! Now I'm feeling a moral dilemma.
I'm not sure I can go through with this.
My bedroom's upstairs.
Race ya.
Oh, what the hell.
- What the hell? - Don't be uptight, babe.
Leave your hang-ups in suburbia.
- You're leaving? - You bet your bippy I am.
- Dick: hey! - You miserable creep! - I don't understand.
- Think about it.
It's like you put a purple haze inside my brain.
Give it a rest.
- What did I do wrong? - You know what you did.
Come on, Manny.
Berkeley.
Oh, you're mad at Manny.
Yes, Dr.
Albright is mad at Manny.
Oh! Oh, Manny.
It's okay because I have something to tell you that's going to straighten this whole thing out.
I'm not Manny.
Isn't that ironic? Right, you're not Manny.
You just look exactly like him, know everything about his past, and have been carrying on this ridiculous charade for three days.
You know me so well.
Boy, I have been handed some lame stories in my life, but you take the cake.
I don't want the cake.
I want you.
Oh, my god, you are Dick Solomon.
And you let me make a complete fool of myself! - How could you do that? - I wanted to tell you.
I was going to tell you.
- What stopped you? - I thought you might sleep with me.
Oh.
- Now I understand.
- Oh, thank goodness.
Get out! You selfish, inconsiderate, opportunistic bastard! You're right.
I guess I'll be going.
About inconsiderate, I did bring brownies.
Oh I sure am glad we won't be getting any more of these CDs in the mail.
Yeah, and even if we do, there's no reason to think that I would have anything to do with it 'cause I didn't.
Dick, someone's here to see you.
I don't want to be seen.
Tell them that I'm not here.
Here's not here, Dr.
Albright, so go away.
Mary! Mary! You've come back to me because you've forgiven me for what I've done and-- and because you realize that my deceit, although sophomoric, was meant as a pure gesture of affection.
Well, some of that.
Would you leave the two of us alone for a minute? Sure.
Remember every word.
We want all the details.
Will do.
Look, I-- I may have overreacted to this Manny thing.
And I understand that men have a tendency to go overboard to impress me.
I understand that.
The only reason I pretended to be Manny is because you liked him so much more than me.
Manny wasn't what he seemed, but you are exactly what you seem.
And I'll admit that your lack of nuance is refreshing.
Damn, I think I'm wearing Harry's underwear again.
Well, a little nuance wouldn't hurt.
So we're still friends? Peace.