3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Much Ado About Dick

- We mustn't do this here.
- Yes, we must do it.
- We can't! - We can.
I measured.
Oh! I have an early class tomorrow.
You hear what she said, Dick? She's got an early class tomorrow.
Will you be quiet? Can't you see I'm trying to get to second base here? Things have really changed since she entered the picture.
Now we even have to act like humans when we're by ourselves.
She's like that Yoko woman who ruined her husband's band.
Oh, yeah.
You remember that episode where she convinced Ricky that she could play the bongos? - This bites.
So does she.
What? The crust in your eyes, it's still there.
Oh, no! No, don't touch it.
It's beautiful.
My god, you're a morning person.
No.
No, I'm a Mary person.
Oh! Oh, that's so sweet.
I had the strangest dream that your brother Harry was curled up at our feet in the middle of the night.
It won't happen again.
- I'll finish dressing.
- Can I help you? No.
Do you mind? I am trying to sleep.
- She slept over again? - Slept? No.
Well, eventually, but I think the innuendo is delightfully clear.
Don't you see what's going on here? She hogs the bathroom.
She leaves stuff in the sink for me to wash.
And last night she forced us to watch an a&e biography on Susan saint James.
- What's your point, lieutenant? - You let in an outsider.
- She's getting in the way of this mission.
- I'm giving you an opportunity to observe her up close.
Well, she's no Jo Anne worley, but quarters to her.
Hello, Tommy.
I really want the two of us to be friends.
Don't you have any friends of your own? You're probably very confused about what's going on between your father and me.
No, not really.
I have excellent hearing.
I just want you to know that your father and I - are going to be seeing a lot more of each other.
- Oh, wow.
How much could possibly be left? Well, gotta go.
See you at the office.
I have an idea.
Why don't I ride with you? I think it would be a better idea if we rode separately, if you know what I mean.
- I don't know what you mean.
- People might start thinking that we're sleeping together.
- What?! - We are.
We are, I swear.
Why can't you two just ride together? - I need the car to go shopping.
- I need a ride downtown.
It's just not a good idea.
- Why not? - This is exactly what I was talking about.
- She has a car - It's really none of our business you know what?! I don't want to start a fight here.
It's okay for you to ride with me today.
- Yes! - Come on.
What's this? I won.
I won $150! You don't understand, lady.
You owe us $150.
Oh, I see.
So you lure me down here to collect my prize.
Then you pull the old bait and switch.
- I'll take care of this.
Sally? Hello, Don.
It's been a long time.
I thought you walked out of my life for good.
I'm back.
I ran into trouble out there in the city.
- The city is full of trouble.
- I found this on my car.
Parked in a handicap zone.
I'm sure you had a good reason.
Yes.
It was the closest spot to the store.
Works for me.
- Consider this taken care of.
- Just like that? Just like that.
Wow.
Sally, can I take you out tonight? - 'Kay.
- No.
Stop it.
- We're not in the office.
- Behave yourself.
- Let's go back in the car.
- No.
- Not in the car, not in the bar, not in the house, not up your blouse.
I cannot touch you here or there.
I cannot touch you anywhere.
Judith! Father rice.
- Hello, Dr.
Albright.
- Dr.
Solomon and I just ran into each other on the way in.
Dr.
Suter.
- What? - I said, Dr.
Suter! - You again! - Do you need any help? Get away from me.
Good for you! Stay independent! Dick, rumor has it that you and a certain anthropology professor are, uh going at it pretty good.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, right.
- I gotta get me an anvil.
- Harry, I need a ride.
- No.
- You know, I outrank you.
Oh.
Well, in that case, no, sir.
Please? Just give me a ride.
Look, come on.
Can't you see that I'm busy? What, is it too much to ask for a little time for Harry? I'll tell you what.
If the roadrunner wins this next one, you take me.
But if he doesn't, I'll never ask you again.
Okay, you're on.
I've seen this next scheme before, and it's far too brilliant to fail twice.
Let's go.
- Dick: you're wrong.
- Judith: I'm right.
- You're wrong.
- I'm not wrong.
You're wrong about that, too.
There's no way to observe a society without intruding.
- One can't help but leave footprints.
- Of course not.
I've seen your bipedal gait.
So let me get this straight.
You're saying that you could drop right out of the sky into some strange culture and walk amongst them unnoticed? Yes! Hypothetically.
Mary, you're an anthropologist.
Back me up.
I'm afraid I'd have to agree with Dr.
Solomon.
Of course.
What was I thinking? You're sleeping with him.
This is a disaster, Dick.
Everybody's talking about us.
Oh, we're back to that again.
You just don't understand.
I've worked hard to be taken seriously.
- There was a time when I had a reputation.
- For excellence? Well, yes, but in a very specific category.
When I was a young professor on the fast track, - there were things that I did.
- What were you doing? The Dean.
Is that like the Watusi? Sometimes.
- There was this very prestigious job opening.
- Did you get it? No, I didn't get the job, but I did get a nickname-- Dr.
Mary slutbunny.
Well, there's your silver lining.
You just don't get it, do you? When a man has an office romance, it doesn't affect his career.
But when a woman has one, no one takes her seriously.
- I don't understand.
- I don't expect you to.
I need to be alone tonight.
But I'm not like that.
- I take you seriously, Dr.
Slutbunny.
Sally, you look beautiful.
Oh, Don, that's just the doughnuts talking.
What you did today was really powerful.
You just snapped your fingers , and things fell into place.
Let's just keep that our little secret, shall we? Okay.
Would you like another doughnut? I don't know.
Are you sure you can afford it? I get 'em for free, all except the cream-filled, but all that will change when I make detective.
That day will come, Don.
We'll make it come.
And then we can eat cream-Filled together.
One-David-niner.
One-David-niner.
Copy that.
- What is it? - It's a 2-18.
- I have to go.
- Take me with you.
- I can't.
- Please? - Let's ride.
- Oh, goody! That was so exhilarating, Don.
I've never been on a raid before.
Come to think of it, I've never held a criminal off the roof of a warehouse by his ankles until he screamed, "mommy!" Oh, mommy.
Sally, you make me feel alive, like I've dropped a stun gun down my pants.
Hey, Don, do it again.
Sally, you're insatiable.
- You're home awfully late.
Dick, I think I've finally found my calling.
- What? - I'm joining the police force.
- Why? - Because I can make a difference.
I'm sorry, lieutenant, but I forbid it.
- Why? - Because you will make a difference.
Say you clean up Rutherford.
What's next? - Cleveland.
- Exactly.
- Then you clean up Ohio.
- That's the plan.
Soon, the entire Midwest is crime-free.
What's going to happen to all those people whose income depends on crime? The lawyers, the insurance companies, the 11:00 news? Hell, the entire fox network? There are worldwide implications here.
We're not supposed to interfere with life on this planet.
- Why can't I interfere with the planet? You do.
- I do not.
- What do you call what you're doing with Dr.
Albright? - That's different.
When you're in love with someone, you're allowed to screw up their life.
That's what love is.
I understand.
I'll talk to Don.
Thank you, lieutenant.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go to bed.
I can't be around you with a nightstick right now.
Yes, I seem to have that effect on women.
Hey.
Would you please take it outside? - If only I could be that spoon.
- Stop it.
You let me be the spoon yesterday.
- Cut it out.
- Come on! Dick, we're professionals.
We have reputations to protect.
- We're not kids anymore.
- Oh, I see.
The looser the skin, the tighter the behavior.
Is that it? Just let me be the spoon once.
Please? Fine.
Just this once.
You're about a quart low.
From now on, I'm just going to slide things under the door.
The two of you haven't RSVP'd the trustees' cocktail reception tomorrow night.
Well, I can't speak for Dr.
Solomon, but I'll be there.
- Nina, can I ask you something? - Damn! I almost made it.
There's a man and a woman, and the woman won't let the man near her in public.
The man is very frustrated.
What should he do when all he wants is climb to the top of the engineering tower and proclaim his love for all the campus to hear? - I wouldn't do that if I were him.
- Why not? Because Dr.
Albright would kill him dead.
Fine.
I won't.
I don't know what came over her.
Same old story.
She wants more space.
I don't know how to give it to h-- wait.
I've got it.
I'll go out and buy two dozen roses, and then I'll put a little note on each rose that says, "hope you're enjoying your space.
" Then I'll take one over every hour on the hour and give it to her.
If she's not there, I'll leave it on her doorstep.
That doesn't sound like a very good idea.
Look, do you want her back, or do you want her to think you're an idiot? - I want her back.
- Well, you've got to play it cool.
You have to act like you couldn't care less - whether she likes you or not.
- But I do.
- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do! No, you don't.
Oh, right.
- Maybe I don't.
- There you go.
- But I do! - No! Trust me, she'll come crawling back.
I know what I'm talking about.
I've been married five times.
Yeah, women.
Or so I've heard.
I understand, Mrs.
Bittenson.
His tree is dropping fruit on your property.
It's just that the police department can't do anything at this time except dispatch three black-And-whites asap to that dirtbag's house and gas him until he picks up every last one of those figs.
I'm sorry, Sally.
You just walked into a hornet's nest here.
- You work so hard, officer Don.
- Rusty, Rico.
Protect and serve.
That's what I do-- protect and serve.
- I got something to tell you, and it's going to hurt.
- Then make it quick.
- I can't join the force.
- But you're so good.
I'm the best, but it's too much power for one person to have.
- I'd affect too many lives.
- No, there's no power.
I do nothing.
I'm completely ineffectual.
Here's your stick.
I'll never forget you, Smokey.
You'll be back.
A woman like you can't stay away.
Maybe.
Be careful out there.
So are we sending the squad cars to collect those figs? Um no, no.
I'll just, um pick 'em up on my way home.
Oh, my god.
Here he comes.
- They're going to have a field day with this one.
- It's okay.
Calm down.
Nina! It's so good to see you, and only you.
Oh, Dr.
Solomon, I've never seen you with a turtleneck before.
His name is Harry.
Dr.
Suter! Oh, and Mrs.
Sumner! Mmm! You look lovely this evening.
Oh, well, thank-- no! Mmm! This is great dip, Mrs.
Sumner.
- It's pâté.
- This is great dip pâté.
- What's she doing? - You don't care.
Oh right.
Dick, is there something-- Martini, dry.
Not too dry.
Moist, very moist.
I see.
You're punishing me.
Fine.
- You're good.
- Smooth.
But it's so hard.
Shh! Trouble in paradise, Mary? Oh, shut up.
Don't you have anything better to do? Why don't you get a life so I'll have somebody to talk about? Ouch.
Oh, I love these things.
- May I? This isn't metric, is it? - I didn't know you played.
- No, I'm not playing.
I'm adding.
♪ Night and day ♪ ♪ you are the one ♪ ♪ only you beneath the moon ♪ ♪ and under the sun ♪ ♪ whether near to me or far ♪ ♪ it's no matter, darling ♪ ♪ where you are ♪ ♪ I think of you ♪ ♪ night and day ♪ ♪ under the hide of me ♪ All: ♪ there is, oh, such a hungry yearning ♪ ♪ burning inside of me ♪ ♪ and this torment won't be through ♪ - ♪ till you let me spend my whole life ♪ - ♪ Ooh ♪ ♪ making love to you-- ♪ ♪ day and night ♪ ♪ night and day! ♪ Not the way I would have done it.
Whatever.
I'll never understand this human obsession with what other people think.
I don't care what anybody thinks.
You know, Harry, maybe you should care just a little.
How did you leave it with officer Don? Open.
I've never been out with a guy like him.
I've been wined and dined, but I've never been doughnut-ed.
I like it.
I'd like to be breaded and deep fried.
And I don't care what anybody thinks of it.
You're right.
The only voice that matters is the one inside your head.
Ha! Which one? Shut up.
Mary Albright is mine! Dick Solomon is mine! Man on bullhorn: You on the roof, put down the bullhorn! There have been complaints.
Put down the bullhorn! - Thanks, Don.