3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Fourth and Dick

- ( Crowd cheering on TV ) - Oh, it's that thing again.
I have a name.
I mean football.
I thought they canceled that in January.
Well, guess they brought it back.
I still don't see the point.
What's it all about? From what I understand, they try to kill whoever has the ball.
Those two guys in the middle seem awfully intimate.
Yeah, they've been going at it the whole game.
Yeah, they should just get a room.
- Is there any upside? - If you make it down to the big poles, - you get to dance.
- Dance? And if you're really good, you win a trip to some fruit bowl, but only the best dancers make it.
- See ya.
- Whoa.
Where are you going? - I have glee club practice.
- Glee club? - Yeah.
- I see.
You've changed your mission.
Now you're researching what it's like to be a girl.
For your information, glee club is not just for girls.
Yeah, it's also for geeks and Nancy boys.
Hey! Oh, he's dancing.
( TV clicks off ) - Hey! - This is obviously a waste of time.
Go do something with one of your girlfriends.
That's an order.
Fine! Wait a minute.
I don't have any girlfriends.
You and me, sister.
You and me.
( '50s rock music playing ) ( Marching band playing "Louie Louie" ) - They are so good.
- They ought to be.
They've been playing the same damn song for the past six hours.
They're a marching band.
Why don't they march? - Preferably into the ocean.
- ( Music stops ) Come on, don't tell me you're not excited about the homecoming weekend.
You know, between the Pendleton badgers and Ohio Western mustangs.
Oh, it's football.
Everywhere I turn, it's football, football, big, fat shmutball.
Well, forgive me, Mr.
intellectual.
God forbid you should come down from your ivory tower - for four quarters.
- Four quarters? I don't care what you pay me, I'm not going.
Plus, it's bad enough there was a giant papier-mâché rodent blocking my parking spot this morning.
You mean Pendleton j.
Badger.
What does the "j" stand for? - Nothing.
- Nothing starts with "n.
" - It's just a kooky initial.
- "Q" is kookier.
Why isn't it Pendleton q.
Badger? - I don't know.
Why don't you ask him? - ( Scoffs ) - Anyway, I got us great seats.
- ( Groans ) It's not just a sporting event.
It's a long-standing tradition-- Pendleton versus Ohio Western.
You know, if you really want to defeat them, the secret is right in front of you-- the giant badger.
It's a trojan float.
Load our team in.
We push it up to their school walls.
And they say, "look.
A friendly giant badger.
Let's bring it inside.
" Later, that night, they fall asleep, and whammo! It could work.
It's not very sportsmanlike.
Well, I'll admit it doesn't involve any dancing or homoerotic butt-slapping.
Although, you never know what goes on inside a giant badger.
( Out of tune ) Bali ha'I may call you any night any day here am I your special island come away come away Bali ha'I-- that was really, um Better.
Everyone take a seat.
You know, you mustn't be afraid to sing from your heart, from your mind, from your body.
Music is the sound your soul makes.
Try it like this.
( Inhales ) You'll hear me call you singing through the sunshine sweet and clear as can be here am I come to me here am I come to me here am I come to me Bali ha'I.
( sighs ) Now, who would like to stand up and try it like that? Tommy.
- How's it going? - I'm kind of busy-- great.
Listen, um - We're friends, aren't we? - Yeah, sure.
Good, 'cause I've decided we're best friends.
You got a problem with that? - Uh no.
- Thanks, Nina.
I finally have a girlfriend.
You're my first one.
Oh, Sally, I am? - Why? Is that weird? - Oh, no.
No, it's tough making friends with women.
You're telling me.
I can barely stand myself.
So, uh what do you want to do now, girlfriend? You want to go shopping or talk about cramps? Shopping.
And, for Monday, I want you to read and outline chapters eight through 24.
- Leon: What? - Except for chapter 12 which you will refute in a 10-page treatise with illustrations.
- Oh, come on.
- ( All groaning ) - Dr.
Solomon, it's homecoming weekend.
- Yeah, the big game.
Oh, yes, I forgot.
God forbid that your intellectual development should get in the way of the big game.
What could be more important than the big game? The fate of mankind rests on the outcome of the big game.
Is he being sarcastic? And I've got news for you.
The "j" in Pendleton j.
Badger, it's meaningless.
( All gasp ) Dr.
Solomon, you've insulted my intelligence, my religion, and my family, and that's okay.
But there's one thing you cannot insult, and that's the badgers because there's something you don't even know about a badger, man.
When they dig holes, they do it for a reason.
And their teeth, they're really sharp when they're very young.
So I'm going to that game, and I don't care if you fail me for it.
But you're already failing.
Okay, as long as we see eye to eye, then.
I just don't see why you care so much - about a team that has no chance of winning.
- ( All gasp ) Why are you so passionate about a lost cause? Ohio Western's record is 6-1.
They're going to win.
Why don't you root for them? But we go to Pendleton.
We're the badgers.
The badgers are us.
We're us, not them.
They're them.
We're us with the-- - don't you get it? - No! Why didn't you just go to Western? Because we Choked on our sats.
- That skirt was really cute, wasn't it? - Yeah.
And there were those shoes that looked so great on you.
Thank you.
So, this is where you live.
Oh, Nina, I'm glad you're here.
Get me some coffee.
We're not at the office.
I'm here with Sally.
Yeah, that's right.
She's my friend, my best friend.
If she's going to get anybody coffee, it's going to be me.
We'll see about that.
Nina, who are you going to get coffee for? Sally or me? Okay, I have to go home and feed my cat.
- I didn't know you had a cat.
- I'm going to go buy one.
- I'll call you in 10 minutes.
- Okay.
According to the "daily badgerian," over 45,000 alumni will return to Pendleton for the homecoming game.
You'd think that after four years they'd want to put the experience behind them.
All I know is, my friend Nina and I are going together.
- We bought new outfits.
- I think I'm going to go, too.
- Really? - It's not that I'm being sucked in.
It's purely scientific.
And who knows? Pendleton might win.
That would be da bomb.
You heard me.
Da bomb! - Dick, can I talk to you for a second? - What is it? I met this woman that I really like, and I think she likes me, but she's a little older-- Do you really think a woman of that age would be interested in you? - Sure.
- Wow! Good job.
- What's your first move? - I don't know.
- I want to take her someplace special, but-- - excuse me.
- What about August? - She'll understand.
She's a good kid.
You know, there's a word for what you're doing here.
Oh, right.
It's called trading up.
( Door opens ) Guys, guess what.
I went to the stadium to see if I could get a job as a vendor for the game.
- Did you get it? - No.
I didn't have enough experience to sell hot dogs.
So they hired me as a security guard.
- Hi.
- Hi, Tommy.
Sunny d? Thank you.
You know, Tommy, you may think I haven't noticed, but you're making a lot of progress.
I'm trying.
I know you are.
And it'll pay off.
Trust me.
I'm counting on it.
Mrs.
frost, I got you something else.
It's a ticket to the homecoming Pendleton game.
( Gasps ) The mustangs-badger game? - Yeah.
- That's very sweet, but I couldn't accept a gift.
No, my dad, he gets them for free.
He works at the university.
They pay him squat, so they give him perks.
Well, thank you, Tommy.
Man on first.
Hey, buy us a couple of beers? Sure.
You girls going to the big game? We don't want to talk to you.
We're just broke.
This is so strange.
I feel this gnawing in my stomach.
I told you, this is not the place for oysters rockefeller.
No, it feels more like tension.
I think I might actually be nervous about the game.
There's nothing to be nervous about because the badgers are going to win! Badgers beat the mustangs? In your dreams! Yeah.
- Whoo! - Go ahead, laugh now - 'cause you're going to be crying tomorrow.
- I don't think so.
- We're going to beat you a million to one! - Oh, yeah, right.
Like you're going to score You're not going to score anything.
These aren't the same badgers you pushed around last year.
- Oh, really? - Yeah.
We've got a bunch of fifth-year seniors, and they bulked up like crazy.
- All: Ooh! - And they've got heart.
Yeah, one each.
- Yeah.
- Yeah? Well, I got bad news for you, lady.
She's no lady.
She's a badger.
Show them your teeth.
Oh, yeah? Well, you're going down.
- And you know why? - Why? - Because badgers suck.
- Badgers don't suck.
They bite! You guys are nuts.
- Nuts like a badger! - Yeah! - Yeah.
- ( Snarling ) Hurry! Hurry! - Hurry! - What? What? The Western team bus is just pulling up! Mary: Oh, my God.
This glass is cold.
All right Let's just drop the ax there, little buddy.
I said drop it! There's something I have to tell you.
- What is it? - I never thought I'd say these words, - but I'm in love with another woman.
- Who is it? It's Mrs.
frost.
Mrs.
frost, the glee club teacher? I'm afraid so.
It just happened.
I understand.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
S-so, you're not upset or jealous? No, not at all.
I hope you two will be very happy together.
Oh, there's something I have to tell you, too.
I've been seeing val kilmer.
Really? Oh, I'm glad you've got someone.
Whew! Man on p.
A.
: We're very pleased , attendance is 19,438.
Cheerleaders: We'll beat ya! We'll beat ya! We'll eat ya! We'll bite ya! We'll claw ya! We'll beat ya! We'll eat ya! We'll bite ya! We'll beat ya! We'll eat ya! - We'll beat ya! Go, badgers! - ( All cheering ) ( Horn blowing ) Mary, you were so right.
I feel great! I just feel tingly all over, and that's not just the lead paint talking.
- You really went all out, didn't you? - Yeah.
Bug and pitman did it.
They didn't want to, but I made them.
It goes all the way down, you know.
Man on p.
A.
: You'll be happy to know the homecoming queen - is recovering nicely.
- Tommy.
Oh, Mrs.
frost.
What a coincidence.
Corn dog? Well, hello, Mrs.
Sumner.
- How's the Dean? - He's fine, thank you.
Excellent.
I'm going to have to look in that bag.
What? Uh, uh Ooh, binoculars, huh? And exactly who is it that you were planning on looking at? Around here we got a little thing called right to privacy.
- Okay, spread 'em, lady.
- Oh! There you go.
- Oh.
- ( Radio squelches ) This is Solomon.
I need a canine unit.
Man on p.
A.
: We request that you stop throwing things at the Pendleton band.
Please, God, block the extra point! I promise I'll never ask for anything else! Screw Mary's shut-in grandmother! Just block that kick! - Yes, yes, yes! - ( All groan ) - Aw! - Yeah! - Whoo! - There is no God! What do you think about your badgers now? Up yours, buddy.
Quick, dick, give him the finger.
Yeah! ( All cheer ) ( All groan ) What the hell's the matter with you?! I don't get it.
Our guys don't advance.
They're in a constant state of retreat.
( All groan ) I can't watch this anymore.
( All groan ) - ( Cheerleaders chanting ) - Get up here.
Get in there and remind them we're going that way.
- 23, get back here.
- Excuse me, lady.
- Hey, I'm the coach.
- Oh, yeah? So you're the idiot who's running this team into the ground.
That's me.
You got a problem with that? Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.
Let me tell you what you can do.
Take that pretty little body of yours, and march it up to the bleachers, and park it.
I was just about to say the same thing to you.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
- Yeah? - Yeah! Why are your guys throwing the ball? Your throwing guy's too short to see over the fat guys.
You need to run left.
It's their weak side.
What do we do after that, miss schottenheimer? You do it again.
They won't expect it.
- She's right, coach.
- You shut up, or I'll quit fixing your grades.
( Chuckles ) No.
No.
No.
Oh, God, no! ( Horn blowing ) Yeah, now that's a play.
You heard the lady.
If you get any more of those good ideas, - you mark 'em down on this pad for me.
- Can do.
- You're doing a hell of a job.
- ( Loud slap ) All: Yeah! ( All groan ) I think there's been a misunderstanding.
Apparently.
Man on p.
A.
: Pendleton recovers the fumble on the mustangs' 30-yard line.
Okay, everybody! Here, come on, let's try another one.
Sine, cosine, cosine, sine! Three-point-one-four- one-five-nine! Now you try it.
All: Sine, cosine, cosine, sine! Three-point-one-four- one-five-- - ( yells ) - ( All cheering ) ( No audible dialogue ) What? What happened? What happened? Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa! Let's keep it down! All right, who threw that? All right, who threw that one? Okay-- man on p.
A.
: Pendleton wins, I can't believe it.
Pendleton wins.
Hey, Nina, look what they gave me for winning.
Ooh, steak sandwiches.
Mrs.
frost, I'm pretty sure we can work this out.
Tommy, there is no we.
There can't be, and I'm not just talking legally.
Well, then why did you spend all that time singing to me, luring me like a siren to my destruction? I'm a singing teacher, Tommy.
I sing.
I didn't mean to give you the wrong impression.
Look, I think you'd be better off with a girl your own age.
Yeah.
So what's your mother look like? - ( Marching band playing ) - Listen.
- Can you hear them celebrating? - Ah, yes.
The happy sounds of cars overturning and stores being looted.
( Sighs ) I love the smell of burning rubber.
- It smells like victory.
- A sweet victory.
You know, it's amazing.
There we were, thousands of total strangers all pulling together, trying to transfer our collective strength to a tiny group of young men that we didn't even know.
We cheered for them, and they won for us.
I've never felt such a feeling of joy and camaraderie.
The only sad part is that everyone couldn't share it.
Someone had to lose.
I feel for the mustang fans.
Ah, screw 'em.
You're right.
- Both: Badgers rule! - Yeah! Okay, lovebirds, party's over.
Let's, uh Take it inside.
( Marching band plays "Louie Louie" ) Mustangs give you problems.
Mustangs give you grief.
Mustangs give you trouble, but the badgers got the teeth.
All: We're bad.
We're bad.
We're bad-gers! We're bad.
We're bad.
We're bad-gers! - Not beavers.
- Not hamsters.
- Not gerbils.
- All: Not lancers.
We're bad.
We're bad.
We're bad-gers! ( All snarling )