3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Jolly Old St. Dick

I have got the perfect present for you.
- A present? What for? - Christmas.
What, you didn't get me anything? ( Scoffs ) No, are you kidding? No, of c-- not get you anything? Of course I got you something.
I, uh I got you the perfect something.
It's perfect, and it's, uh, it's really something.
You're so sweet.
All right, we are wired.
- Can I plug it in? Can I plug it in? - Knock yourself out.
( Gasps ) - It's magnificent! - You ain't seen nothin' yet.
By the time I'm through with this joint, they're gonna be able to see it from the shuttle.
Tommy! - Look what I got.
- A stick? No! It's a Christmas tree! You'll see.
All it needs is a little love.
Dick! Dick! - You are not gonna believe what we got at the mall.
- A stick? It's a Christmas tree! That thing? We are solomons, Harry.
We should have the biggest, noblest tree in all of Ohio.
Forget the stick, dick.
We found jobs.
The mall is full of them-- Christmas jobs.
You are lookin' at a professional gift-wrapper.
And I am the executive assistant to Mr.
Santa claus.
I've heard of him.
He's the muckedy-muck in charge of the whole shebang.
Yeah, well, I'm kind of his right-hand elf.
This is wonderful.
It's a celebration.
- Tommy, when did we first land on this planet? - January 9th.
It was a Tuesday, exactly 8:30 P.
M.
Do you realize we're coming up on our anniversary? An earth year on earth, and everything is finally coming together.
It's as if all of the earth were throwing us a party.
Suddenly I feel so so Human.
Oh, guys! Come here.
( Snap ) Oh, great.
Now it's a stick.
( '50s rock music playing ) Weeds.
Okay, dick, it's time to pick your secret Santa.
It's time to who for wha-wha? - Pick a name-- that's who you buy a present for.
- Presents? For Christmas? The bowl is heavy.
I'm sorry, Judith.
Let's play secret Santa.
Dr.
Anthony? I barely know him.
( Women exclaiming ) Glansberg, chilton, lanell-- dick, you don't get to choose your person.
It's random.
You pick one name, and it's a secret until the party.
Oh Well, I picked my name, and whoever it is hasn't the foggiest idea.
For now until the party, their life will be a topsy-turvy labyrinth of mystery and intrigue.
For the love of God, let him draw again.
Well, hello-ho-ho, everybody, and welcome to Santa's toyland.
Presents, toys and fun for children one to 91.
Oh, uh, please note that children 16 to 91 should not sit on Santa's lap.
Damn! Thank you, and have a happy and safe holiday from all of us here at the rutherford galleria.
Wow, you've been shopping your butt off.
Yeah.
It's Christmas, right? Oh, it's great, isn't it? People buying stuff, lugging bags around, maxing out their credit cards.
It's like everyone in the whole world is joined together to embrace financial ruin.
- Merry Christmas.
- Thank you, and have a happy and safe holiday from all of us here at the rutherford galleria! Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh! She's coin-operated.
She says she has the perfect gift for me, and I have no idea what to get her.
Her name is August lefler.
( Chuckling ) Well, I don't know August, but-- well, aren't you supposed to have some kind of list or something? ( Chuckling ) Well, I'm afraid I left my list up in the north pole.
Oh, great! Can't you have your wife fax it to you or something? I can't screw this up! ( Chuckling ) Well, Tommy-- look, you want to make this August chick happy, you're gonna have to drop some cold, hard cash, you know what I'm sayin'? On what? Listen, pork butt, I need model numbers here.
Get a haircut.
You look like a girl.
Again? The root must be somewhere upstairs.
Ooh, is that the gift you got for Judith? Or whoever it was you happened to pick? - Yes.
- There's a $20 limit.
I know.
I went a little over.
A hundred and twenty dollars over.
It's easy to get carried away, isn't it? You know, a few years ago, I made a batch of my famous rum balls for Christmas.
They were so popular that this year, just on a whim, I made 20 batches, enough for the whole department.
Mmm.
It's funny that you would have that much rum around.
- It's the holidays, Nina.
- Yes, Nina, it's the holidays.
My dad would go out and get the biggest Christmas tree he could find.
We'd go caroling, open our house to the neighborhood.
All that sharing and generosity-- ( gulps ) It's so beautiful.
Look how generous I am.
I am Christmas! - Hello, and happy holidays from all of us here-- - where's my package? I'm supposed to say the whole thing.
Hello, and happy holidays-- excuse me.
I was-- I was-- I was here first.
Excuse me.
I'm just picking up.
Hey, hey, come on, people.
You're supposed to be happy.
This is shopping.
Yeah, well, I'm fed up.
Where the hell's January already? ( All exclaiming ) What is wrong with you people? This isn't about buying gifts at all.
This is about viciousness and ruthlessness and aggression, and Usually I like all those things, but But now, it's just really ruining Christmas.
Just wrap! All: Aw-w-w! Oh, don't worry, boys and girls.
Santa will be right back after he takes care of some personal business.
On the toilet.
Oh, what are they feeding these kids? They weigh a ton! Well, you know, I think part of the problem is we're feeding 'em candy.
Maybe if we could give them celery or some kind of-- oh Santa.
What are you-- I mean-- it's-- you-- no-o-o-o! Dick: o Tannenbaum , o Tannenbaum that's "Christmas tree" in German.
- now, this is a Christmas tree.
- Hey, hey, buddy, can I help you? Uh, no, thanks.
I have a chain saw.
- Merry Christmas.
- ( Chain saw revving ) ( Siren wailing ) Merry Christmas, officer! "Peace on earth, goodwill toward men"-- what a crock! Nine hundred dollars in fines, and they confiscated your chain saw? And have you ever felt a taser? ( Grunts ) It's not nearly as much fun as it looks.
What a bunch of hypocrites! Apparently, the Christmas spirit doesn't apply when you're trespassing and vandalizing.
Oh, let's face it, Christmas is a sham.
How can humans take something like shopping, something pure and natural and good, and turn it into something so ugly? This is not a holiday, this is torture.
They know exactly what they want, but they won't tell you.
No-o-o.
They make you guess.
This is just so "earth.
" ( Scoffs ) Humans-- I don't want to play any of their reindeer games.
Choir: fa, LA, LA, LA, LA LA, LA, LA, LA - 'tis the season to be jolly - oh, listen to them.
Singing like idiots.
Why did we want to be like humans anyway? Fa, LA, LA, LA, LA LA, LA, LA, LA troll the ancient yule-- ( people screaming ) That's better.
And so we see that that b equals which equals k times mass over 2 pi delta, and therefore-- Leon.
- What are you passing around? - Oh, caryn made them.
- Yeah, they're Christmas cookies.
- Oh, how christmasy.
All sparkly, red and green.
Oh, look.
One of Santa's reindeer.
Watch him fly.
And look, a little Christmas bell.
Ding, dong I don't even know what this is.
It was a snowman.
No, it was butter and sugar and sprinkles, all wrapped up in empty sentiment and holiday hypocrisy.
- ( Bell ringing ) - ( All cheering ) Ho! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! - Where do you think you're going? - It's Christmas break.
It is not Christmas break until I say it is.
Not until you've completed the following remedial assignment.
- ( All groaning ) - You will write a 15-page dissertation on wave physics and its relation to electromagnetic radiation.
Oh, and a five-point bonus if you can tell me how the hell Santa delivers all those toys in one night.
It's to be typewritten and on my desk no later than 6:00.
- Tonight? - But it's December 23rd.
Yeah, it's Christmas Eve Eve.
Ohh, it is? Well, tough tinsel.
Thank you and have a happy, safe holiday from all of us here at the rutherford galleria.
Bye-bye, now.
- Hey, Tommy.
- I finally found something for August.
- Oh, perfume.
Is this what she wants? - I don't know.
- So I also got her a portable cd player.
- Oh, she likes cds.
I don't know.
So I got her earrings oh, yeah, and a cellular phone and a belt.
How did you afford all this stuff? - You know that jar of pennies I have in my room? - Yeah.
It's where I hide dick's credit card.
Bartender, two fingers, no fat.
I believed in him.
I thought we were bringin' joy to the world.
I was gonna move to the north pole to work in his toy factory.
Well, look what the cat dragged in.
You got a lot of guts comin' in here, fat boy.
Do I know you? Oh, don't get cute with me, kringle.
If that is your real name.
Hey, what's your problem? You're my problem! So what are you gonna do? Get one of your reindeer to kick me to death? - Hey, take it easy.
Take it easy.
- Oh, mind your-- whoa.
Wait a second.
But you-- he-- - is there a problem? - ( Screaming ) Man on radio: jingle bell, jingle bell jingle bell rock ( music continues ) You know, this is the only time of year I like white music.
What do you think, Nina? Mmm.
Too much egg.
- Needs more nog.
- Yep.
Mmm, that is good! - Rum ball? - Oh, spare me.
You better be nice to me if you want your stocking stuffed.
- ( Shuts music off ) - Hey! There will be no holiday cheer, Nina, while there's work to be done.
- On Christmas Eve Eve? - I'll need all the grades for my 10:00 class broken down and re-tabulated for the whole semester.
- On Christmas Eve Eve? - Yes.
Dick, we need somebody tall to hang the boughs of holly.
Fa, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, LA, no.
- I guess I'd like the plaid-- - we're out of everything but green foil and happy snowmen.
- Well, it's for my mom, so-- - you got your mom a dust miser? How nice-- the gift that keeps on sucking.
- I just didn't know what to get her.
- Yeah, apparently not.
Wait a second.
Where was that-- here you go.
A foot massager.
The woman needs a break, for cryin' out loud.
- Gosh, thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Hey, that's my foot massager.
- Oh, poor baby.
- Who's it for? - My wife.
Wow, real romantic.
Here, wait a second.
Ah! Some exotic bath oils.
You can turn your wife into a slip 'n' slide.
- Thanks.
- That-- that was for my boyfriend.
Unless you have a better idea.
As a matter of fact, I do.
Here.
International beer basket from the liquor locker.
- Oh, yeah! Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
This is fun.
Hey, uh, diamond tennis bracelet.
Who wants one? ( All clamoring ) ( Holiday music playing ) All this laughing, opening their little presents-- who needs Christmas anyway? I say, "bug humbar.
" You mean, "bah, humbug.
" - "Bah" what? - You said, "bug humbar.
" - And? - Well, what does "bug humbar" mean? - Well, what does "bah, humbug" mean? - Forget it.
( Muttering ) Here, merry Christmas.
- You bought me a gift? - Yeah.
- So you were my secret Santa? - I was not your secret Santa.
I just happen to love Christmas.
Now, open your damn present! - Well, what is it? - It's a travel mug.
What's it for? So you don't spill coffee in your lap every morning.
You noticed? Uh, yeah.
- I need this.
- You're welcome.
Nina Forget the work.
Go to the party.
- Are you sure? - Yes.
Have a good time.
And Nina, m-merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, Dr.
Solomon.
Where are those rum dreidels I made for Dr.
Schwartz? Mary, look what Nina gave me! I'm not talking to you.
You're ruining my Christmas.
No, no, that was the old dick.
I think I've actually got the spirit.
I want to be a part of Christmas now.
Well, pah-dum- a-dum-pum.
- Here you go, Dr.
Solomon.
- Dr.
Solomon.
( All clamoring ) - Your papers? - Sorry we're late.
Don't take points off.
- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho! - What are you doing? We worked on those! And in the spirit of Christmas, I'm not even gonna read them.
I'm gonna give you all cs! - "Cs"? - Yes! Oh, what the hell.
It's Christmas.
C-pluses! - ( All cheering ) - Go, go, go, all of you, trim your stockings and stuff your trees! Merry Christmas! God bless us, every one.
Judith! Judith! Judith, come in here! Judith, I'm your secret Santa.
Get out.
- Here.
Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- And happy new year.
- Same to you.
May your holiday be filled with lords a-leaping, ladies dancing, pipers piping, drummers drumming, geese a-laying, - swans a-swimming.
- That will do.
Five golden rings! I know I've had a lot of rum balls, but that was really sweet.
It's just wonderful.
I thought Christmas was all about stress and hostility and handcuffs and Miranda rights.
But no, it's more.
It's so much more! It's about giving and sharing and just Being human.
Come on, the party's still going on, and I've saved a special dance for you.
Ohh.
Oh! That weed grew back again.
- It's mistletoe.
- Mistletoe? - Yeah.
- Well, what's it for? I'll show you.
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, merry Christmas to you.
But what's the mistletoe for? Dick! Ohh.
Ah.
Well, I don't know how the real Santa's gonna slide down this thing, but he will.
Ah, what a lovely way to mark our first anniversary on earth, our first anniversary as humans.
Do you think we'll ever really know everything there is to know about being human? Silent night, oh! Holy night, oh! all is calm, whoo! All is bright, oh! round yon virgin, oh! Mother and child, hey! holy infant, ho! So tender and mild, ha! sleep in heavenly peace hey! Sleep in heavenly peace yow! Silent night, ho! holy night, hey! Merry Christmas, Tommy.
- This? - I made it myself.
It's the two of us.
See? ( Laughing ) What I got for you is so much better than this! I mean, it is a joke how much better my stuff is than this! Which I love.