3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Guilty as Dick

Oh, hi, Nina.
Would you stand up on the desk and adjust that vent? It's blowing right in my face.
Uh, yeah.
I'll get to that real soon.
Until then, you just do it yourself.
Fair enough.
Oh hi, dick.
Would you adjust my vent? With Nina in the room? Get up on the desk and adjust my vent.
- Oh, of course.
Nina, please leave the room.
- No problem.
I I can't reach it from here.
- Put your foot on the chair.
- Wha-- - Are you sure? - It's-- it's wobbly.
- Well, I'll hold it down.
- Well, all right.
- A little further.
- Okay.
- Ah, there.
How's that? - Hold on, I'll check.
Oh, my foot! My foot! Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! - It should have been you! - It should have been you! That should do it, Dr.
Solomon.
Well, that's unbelievable.
I feel no pain.
Well you may feel some discomfort when the shock wears off.
No.
Obviously, the fall has made me impervious to pain.
You should go home and try to stay off your foot as much as possible.
Keep it elevated, keep ice on it.
Just use good judgment.
I have excellent judgment.
Yep.
In fact, Nina, hand me the staple gun.
- Call me if you need me.
- Oh, thank you, doctor.
I'll take him home right now.
- I can drive myself.
- Oh! Don't be silly! It's the least I can do.
I'll take you home, come back here, pick up my car, go to the drug store, the grocery store, pick up anything you need.
- Okay.
- I'll just bring the car around, okay? Wha-- why is she doing this? Sit back and relax.
You're in pain, she knows she caused it, she feels guilty.
Wha-- why should she be guilty? I'm not in pain.
I have a superhuman threshold for pain.
Okay.
And wha-lah! Harry? I'm in my room! This isn't a room.
This is a shower curtain in a hall way.
Is that so? Then why are my linens here? Because your linens fell off the washing machine.
I'm sick of sleeping on the washing machine.
Oh, sure, a vibrating bed impresses the ladies But I want my own room! Dick said that I could have one.
No.
Dick said that under no circumstances could you have your own room.
Let's not quibble over semantics.
Besides, you guys have your own rooms.
I sleep in a storage space behind dick's chimney.
And my room is an uninsulated alcove overlooking a toilet.
Room with a view Rub it in.
Harry, you can't sleep in the hallway! Home wrecker! What's wrong?! - She hurt me! - It was an accident! - Oh, some accident.
- Well We can make accidents happen too, lady.
Here, let me elevate that foot.
No touching! - No touching! - No touching.
Ooh, what did my body ever do to deserve this? What did I ever do to you?! Mary, turn it off! Well I can't.
The doctor said he doesn't give drugs for a sprain.
But that's good news, isn't it? It's not broken.
I heard sometimes a sprain can be worse than a break.
- Oh, is that one worse?! - Yes, it is! Much worse! Well, I said I was sorry! Can I fix you something to eat? Just fix my foot! I don't care if I starve, just fix my foot! I-- I'll get you some ice.
Look at my foot.
It's one big boo-boo.
You sound pretty pathetic.
Is it pathetic to sprain your foot worse than anybody ever in the history of the world?! Sally?! Sorry, dick.
But you know nothing about earth pain until you've been a woman, okay? One week every month, I feel like I got a pair of pliers in my pants.
You got a boo-boo? I'm in the national guard of pain.
What was I thinking? I am so stupid! I am so stupid! Mary seems to understand my pain.
Dick? I too understand your pain.
It's right here.
Ah, crespin, two boxes? Rupsin, Johnny, one box.
Solomon? You really think you can sell Sell? That's right.
After school, on the weekends-- until every bar of chocolate is sold.
No one's gonna wanna buy this crap! - It doesn't even have raisins! - I'll give you raisins.
- Or nougat! - I'm gonna nougat you, Solomon! What do I get for selling this crap? You get the satisfaction of helping to pay to send the band to Washington! - Now how's that for compensation?! - Oh, all right, cool.
I brought you some soup.
Let me just fix this foot here.
- Eat your soup.
- Okay.
Mmm, this tastes sumptuous.
My mother used to make this soup for me whenever I was feeling-- did she always serve it this cold? - I'll heat it up some more.
- Thank you, Mary.
Thank you.
- Is something wrong? - Oh No, but, could you also get me some crackers? Sure.
- Are you okay? - Oyster crackers? Mary, I just wanted to say I'm so happy that it was you who hurt me so horribly.
All right.
I'll be right back with your soup and crackers.
Oyster crackers! My God! I have a magic foot! - What are you doing? - Eating your soup.
- Well, you can't do that! - It's not that terrible.
You put a bunch of oyster crackers in it, you can barely taste it.
Don't eat all of these! Dick is lying in there hurt.
I'm fine and I'm hungry.
Besides, I'm not the one who broke his foot.
Sprained.
Have a little compassion, Sally.
We're healthy.
We have to help him.
I say he's lame.
Shoot him.
And wha-lah! Harry, what are you doing in here? Dancing to the natural sounds of plumbing.
Okay, well, get out 'cause I've got to use the bathroom.
You can't kick me out of my own room! Okay, pilgrim.
It's your funeral.
Oh, dear God! No, no, no, no, no! Hi, my name's Tommy Solomon.
I'm selling chocolate bars to send the high school band to Washington.
Hey, fat guy! Is this a dream or what?! Candy door to door-- Hi, father.
I'm trying to sell these chocolate bars so the high school band can go to Washington.
And learn about christianity.
And become priests.
Fine then.
They'll stay here in rutherford and worship Satan! Now this is what I call a room.
I've got everything a man could need.
A piece of plywood, the gnome, a very thin blanket, no food, and my new friend, the crow.
Hi, neighbor! Not exactly the house-warming gift I hoped for.
But you can't pick your neighbors.
Tommy, make me a sandwich.
You have a sandwich right there.
I know, but Mary cut it in half, and not diagonally and that hurts my foot.
Well, you can chalk it up to me being a teenager, but I just don't care.
Mary won't be back from the coloring book store for half an hour.
You know, this day has been hell! I think I met one nice guy all day.
How many bars did he buy? On, none.
But he sold me this nice set of encyclopedias.
Tommy? Tommy, it's an emergency! I need the remote! Sally?! Sally?! - God, what?! - I can't reach the remote.
- It's right there! - But I can't get to it, Sally.
- So?! - Oh, lieutenant.
Do you know what it's like to feel helpless? To be robbed of your freedom by an injury? To be a burden on your family? Oh, God, how you must hate me! I'm-- experiencing the strangest sensation.
I feel bad that you feel bad and Even though I know it'll be annoying, I just can't seem to fight it.
Dick, can I get you anything?! Make me a sandwich and cut it diagonally.
Okay.
Oh, you forgot the remote! My foot! It's better! No! Go on, doctor.
Give it to me straight.
The ankle looks great.
- Are you sure? - Yes, you're all better.
Don't you think you should break it and set it again just to make sure it heals properly? - No.
- Doctor, you don't understand.
The moment I sprained that foot, my life went from vcr to vcr plus! You've got to help me! Dick? The ankle is healed.
I won't be treated this way by your heartless hmo! I demand control of my treatment options! Because it's not the length of our time here that matters, it's the quality of our lives! And if you're not qualified to break my foot, then by God, I'll find a doctor who will! So you're telling me that in this colorful, monochrome wrapper - is a bar of chocolate? - That's right.
Delicious chocolate.
Now, how far would you walk for a bar of chocolate? To get a bar of chocolate, or at the request of a bar of chocolate? - To get.
- Oh, 53 Miles.
Well, now you can have chocolate in your own home.
In my own home?! That's right.
Now, how much would you pay for that? For my own home or for a bar of chocolate? - Bar of chocolate.
- Ah-- well, we tried.
Ow! Excuse me, my friend hurt his leg.
Could you help us out and buy a chocolate bar? Oh, Nina I can't tell you how good it is to be among people who brush their own teeth.
You're not brushing his teeth? Do I have any messages? He wants to know where you are.
- Oh, God.
- 1:05, Dr.
Solomon called again.
His foot feels hot.
Doesn't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
Can you make him a personal pan pizza? Dr.
Solomon called.
Wants to know if you've forgotten that you were the one that hurt his foot.
Hello? No, you have the wrong number.
Oh, your foot hurts? Have you tried hitting it with a hammer? I've cold called, I've direct mailed.
I can't afford a pay-per-view special.
- Nothing works.
- This isn't my problem, buddy.
Well, just help out an incredibly screwed kid and buy a chocolate bar.
If I bought every stupid thing that came to my door-- Tommy, forget it.
The guy's not buying anything.
I'd be living up to my pledge to help every kid who came to my door.
- Cash or check? - How 'bout both? Oh, come on! That is just so cheap! God! I really want some candy! - What is that? - 93.
9, the wave.
The best of the '70s, '80s and today.
Well, I know what it is, but where is it coming from? From my new tree entertainment system! Oh, look! The squirrels are getting it on to Marvin gaye.
- So it's nice up there? - Only the best room in the house.
- See you later, dick.
- But-- but-- wha-- wha-- oh, Sally? Thank God you're here.
You know how I hate asking for your help, but could you just please - do me this one little favor? - What? I want to see Harry's cool tree house.
Carry me? No way.
Oh, please, Sally? - There's so little joy in my life.
- No.
But Sally, I ask you for so little! - Can you just once-- - no! You're right.
What good is a tree house visit when death is only moments away? - What? - Tonight's meal may be my last.
And you know what that means? Mexican night! I think I hate you, dick.
Tommy, Harry! We gotta go back to the store! - It's Mexican night! - Oh, great! You know what is so weird, dick? I don't know if it's, uh, what you're saying or How you're saying it, but, um All that stuff that used to make me want to help you, well, now it's just pissing me off! - Oh, and Sally? - What?! Corn tortillas, not flour.
Si, señor.
No way! You guys! You gotta see this! Ohh, I should have known.
What are you looking at? Ssh! That bastard! - There goes Mexican night.
- Oh, it's Mexican night all right.
Mexican prison night.
I say we stick a bucket on his head and whack him with a bat like a piñata and we don't stop till candy comes out! - Tommy, Harry, let's go! - Wait a minute, Sally! What about me? He's taken advantage of me worse than any of you.
He made me cut up his food and feed it to him.
He made me sing to his foot! He made me take his temperature The hard way.
Besides, I don't think we have what it takes to get even.
I have a metal bucket and three softball bats.
That's a pretty good start.
Ooh-oh.
Hi.
The, um-- the ladder appears to be disconnected.
Funny how that happened, eh? That must be painful up there on that ladder with that terrible, terrible sprain.
Ah, yeah It hurts a lot.
Hey, dick, how did you get up there? Well, uh You know how it is.
- No, tell us.
- Could one of you just, uh Grab the end of the ladder and pull it in? - Gee, I don't know.
It's awfully far.
- My arm hurts.
Well Why don't you let me down and I'll have a look at them? Admit it, dick! You're a liar! - You manipulated us! - You tortured us! It just happened! It's nobody's fault! Okay, okay, okay! It's my fault.
You fortitude just felt so good.
So appropriate.
- I'm sorry.
- That's better.
Aah! Wow, now that's gotta hurt.
Not as much as that.
All right! Everybody line up into a circle.
- Solomon! - Sorry I'm late, coach.
Hey, anybody who can sell 15 boxes of chocolate in my class can be a little tardy.
What's your secret, champ? Well, you know I just kept thinking about sending the band to Washington.
Well, they're gonna owe you some real thanks when they get back next week.
Well, what? They're coming back? Well, yeah.
All right, which one of you tools sold enough chocolate to buy them a return ticket?! Eh? Hey, you look at me when I'm talking to you! Come here! Guilt is like a belly button that doesn't even collect lint.
It's a wasted emotion that just nags and nags and nags and nags-- until dick falls out of the tree.
Maybe guilt is some kind of ancient guidance system.
A stealth emotion designed to make people help each other out even if they don't want to.
If I could just break that code, I could get you all to serve me.
You don't need guilt to get anyone to serve you.
We proved that when we were selling candy.
All you need to do is remind people they like sex.
Oh.
Wouldn't it be scary if sex and guilt were connected? Sex and guilt connected! - Harry, you're an idiot! - I know, I know! Dick, I've been watching TV and I think you can walk without these crutches.
No, I can't.
This man says that he cannot walk, but I say that he can.
I say I feel the spirit in dick Solomon.
- Now stand up and walk.
- But my foot is broken.
Oh, foot's broken.
Those are just words! Now deep inside and walk, my brother! - Walk! - Aah! Stay in bed, my brother.
Stay in bed.