3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick on One Knee

( Jingle playing ) Mars, women are from" Let's see, five letters starting with v.
Ah! "Vegas.
" Dick! Dick, look who I met outside-- Michel.
Michelle? You're a girl? - No, he's from France.
- Hello.
Michel asked me to take a picture of him standing next to that statue of general Rufus Putnam-- ooh, did you make him put his finger in the general's nose? Oui.
" That means yes.
( Speaking French ) ( All laugh nasally ) Mary! Nina! This is Sally's delightful new French guy, Michel.
Mary, Nina.
Your names could be French.
( Both laugh ) ( Both sigh ) I took three years of French in high school and I can't remember a thing.
No no no no, I am in America, I am the one who needs to learn, hmm? Okay.
Oh! Michel, how do you say "nice to meet you" in French? - Enchanté.
- Enchanté.
Okay, how do you say, five, five, five, o, one, eight, nine? Cinq, cinq, cinq, zéro, un, huit, neuf.
Okay, you might want to write that down.
Nina! Uh, Michel, we should be going.
Yeah, it was fantastic to meet you all.
Oh, yeah.
He is so charming.
Ow! Oui! On my foot I have a big, painful, oozing blister.
All: A blister! ( Theme music playing ) ( French national anthem playing ) So Michel, what time is it in France right now? Uh 4:00 A.
Wow, it's so early.
You have been so wonderful to me, Sally.
I never meet a woman like you.
And you never will again.
You are not only beautiful, you are kind-- - but more beautiful right? - Yes.
So, um, how long are you planning on staying in rutherford? Sally, I-- I love this place, I would like to stay very much, but your government is not so nice.
Except for Abraham Lincoln.
Yes, nice man, very very nice man.
But Your country is not safe for someone like me.
Uh there is only one safe way for me to stay here, kind girl.
I need to get married.
Sally? Would you marry me? ( Yelling ) Yeow! Damn! Hot diggity dog!, oh man, oh man, oh mama! It's just that Nobody has ever asked me that before.
- Oui.
- Oh! ( Theme music playing ) - All: You're what?! - I'm getting married.
- Why are you doing this? - Two reasons, I'm a woman, - and he asked me.
- Lieutenant, aren't you forgetting something? - You're right, the wedding announcement! - No no! The mission.
Dick, this is my mission.
It's what women are supposed to do-- get married, have babies, hire total strangers to raise them and then wonder where they went wrong.
Tommy and Harry: Very true.
It happened so quickly.
How did he know it was time to ask? He's a man, men know these things.
But I'm a man.
Am I missing something? - You? Never.
- No flies on you.
Dick, trust me, I know what I'm doing.
Besides, I've dated more than any of you.
But by no stretch of the imagination have you been the most promiscuous.
Trust me, high commander, Michel's a great guy.
Plus he's loaded, look.
He's giving me $5,000, he wants to marry me so badly.
when the deal's done.
- As a gift? - No no, Tommy This is what's known as a dowry.
It's an old-world marriage custom and Michel is from there.
Maybe if we hold out, he'll throw in a goat or two.
And the best part of everything is I get to have a wedding, you know? Big white dress, long veil, crappy band.
It will be a day I'll always remember.
Okay, there's work to be done! Harry, I want you to find me something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue, go! - Get me a deal on flowers! - Flowers! Your job is to sit back and just get overwhelmed by the whole process, okay? ( Bell rings ) Hi, can I help you with something? Yeah, my sister is getting married, she needs flowers.
- Anything in mind? - Cheap.
You know what? I have a sample bouquet from a wedding we did yesterday.
Something like this maybe? Yeah yeah, that's nice, but it doesn't really uh pop, you know what I'm saying? I was thinking something maybe a little more like this and maybe a spray of these-- oh, these are great.
- Could you hand me the ribbon back there? - Sure.
No, the ivory.
Let's see.
Now this rocks.
Young man, you have quite a knack for this.
( Trombone playing ) - She's getting married.
- Oh, that's so romantic! - She just met him! - I wish I'd have met him first.
Dick, do you have a problem with this? No, why should I? Sally's fulfilling her purpose as a woman.
( Sighs ) Oh, please, dick, not every woman feels her life is incomplete until she got a man.
Well, hasn't your life been better since you met me? Yes.
But we've taken the time - to learn about each other.
- And we've learned a lot.
We've been together over a year, we're not getting married.
- Certainly not.
- We've never even discussed it.
- You never brought it up.
- Neither have you.
We're talking about it now.
- ( Panicky ) I have a phone call to make.
- Me too.
- Whoa, beautiful flowers.
- Oh, thanks, I arranged them.
Really? You did a great job.
Ah-ah, don't touch.
You don't want to over-bunch the vase.
Each flower has to be allowed to have its own moment.
Oh, yeah, moment.
Uh, my Uncle Wally owns a flower shop in Florida.
His roommate Jasper helps him run it.
So, you think he'll pass it down to his kids? No, I think the legacy stopped right there in South beach.
See, this is the third set of little people you've sent me, and once again they bear no resemblance to me or my future husband.
Get it right! Sally! I got it, everything you asked for.
Oh, what a relief! Something old-- a radial, courtesy of the alley.
Something new-- a tub of vaseline with an unbroken seal.
Sweet! Something borrowed-- a cup of sea salt from miss dubcek.
And finally, the pièce de resistenance-- something blue-- a lifesaver! Minty.
That's perfect, Harry.
Ooh! Those are beautiful! Oh thanks, I was tempted to use willow branches, but they seemed a bit stark.
- You're very artistic.
- Yeah, I'm sure that's the word.
- Hello, Sally.
- Hey.
I heard the news.
Wow! It happened so suddenly.
Cut to the chase, Mary.
Sally, she thinks you're crazy.
- What?! - No, I didn't say that.
It's-- it's just that I'm concerned.
I want the best for you and this all happened so quickly.
Mary, you are so transparent.
- You're jealous.
- Both: What? - You are.
- You are! - You wanna get married too.
- You do! - Well sure, when I'm ready.
- And you don't think I'm ready? Well, I just think you should wait.
Until when? I'm middle-aged and I have to walk out of the bedroom backwards so my husband won't see my ripply butt? ( Chuckles ) Oh, stop.
Mary! That's what you do! Okay.
I guess this was none of my business.
You're doing it again! I'm sorry I even tried.
Wait, no no no, Dr.
Wait wait wait! Look.
Look, just-- here.
Sit down here, okay? It's just that I got so Damn arrogant, you know, that I got proposed to.
I mean, it's like I finally got something I can lord over other women.
- And that's not right, no.
- No.
I want you to be happy for me, Mary.
I'd like you to be in my wedding.
Bridesmaid? Better.
I want you to be my maid of honor.
- ( Both gasp ) - My bitter old maid of honor.
( Trombone playing ) Gentlemen, how do you know when it's time to get married? Right when that little stick thing turns blue.
- Uh-huh.
- Yup.
I mean, do you get married when the relationship stops to be about sex and starts becoming deeper? Deeper than sex? I just don't know if I'm ready.
albright is tightening the old matrimonial chokehold, isn't she? Oh I wish.
Unfortunately she wants to get married.
I guess I'm just gonna have to ask her.
Why don't you buy yourself some time by giving her an engagement ring? - A ring? - Something big and showy, you know.
It proves how much you care for her and that way you can drag it out for years.
So I just tag her, put her on the shelf, so I can pick her up whenever I want like-- like human layaway? I like it.
( Whimsical music plays ) - I like that one.
- Hmm, it's very you.
Sally, I've been an insensitive clod.
Yeah, I'm used to that by now.
No no.
Not to you, to Dr.
albright, - which is why I've decided to ask her to marry me.
- Good for you.
Thank you.
And as high commander, my wedding is more important than yours.
So I get to go first.
( Gasps ) What?! You horrible, horrible man! Why do you wanna rain on my parade? The one chance I get to feel special, and you want to take it away from me! I want to be the bride! Me, bride! - ( Sobbing ) - ( Mumbles ) I-- I'm sorry, forgive me.
I'm being selfish.
You're right.
You should go first.
- Yeah.
- You've already ordered your cake and I haven't even popped the question yet.
Now stop crying.
There is my girl And what a big girl you are.
And soon I'll have to give you away to another man.
And what a pretty bride you'll make.
Where are you going, my little one, little one? where are you going, my baby, my own? turn around and you're tiny turn around and you're grown turn around and you're a young wife with babes of your own.
( Accordion playing ) - To you, Dr.
- To me.
You are a great American.
In France, it would be very hard to find a man that would accept money for his sister.
And it was impossible in Wisconsin.
Hmm, yeah.
She's all yours now.
I bet you can't wait to sleep with her.
- Pardon? - You know, the big night, LA nuit Grande.
No no no, Professor Solomon, this is a legal arrangement only, I will not touch your sister.
You have to! She's dying to! Are you positive? Of course, it's like those sneakers ads say, "just do her.
" You are a very strange family But strange in a way I can accept, huh? - Salut! - A votre santé! - D'accord.
- ( Laughs nasally ) ( Trombone playing ) ( Rattles ) Oh, don't push.
I'll buzz you in.
- ( Buzzes ) - ( Rattles ) Wait to push.
I'll buzz, then you push.
( Buzzing ) L-listen to me! Wait for the buzzer to stop! ( Buzzing ) And they wonder why old downtown rutherford is dead.
You can't get into the stores! Oh! Good morning, sir, lovely day.
Uh-- uh, yes.
Is there something I can show you? Oh, engagement rings for women.
Oh, excellent, excellent.
Diamond engagements are right over here.
Uh we'll start small.
Ooh, this one looks nice.
How much is it? Ah-ha, that one is $3,000.
( Chokes ) For a diamond! Where I come from, we use the big ones for doorstops! Sir, you mustn't think in terms of price.
- The ring is a symbol.
- A symbol? Yes, the circular shape represents never-ending love.
Circular shape Great! I'll give her my watch.
( Carousel music playing ) - Knickers? - They're crushed velvet.
Do you like them? I made them.
Tommy Kiss me.
Eh do you wanna go out to the rambler? There's a few minutes before this whole procession.
No, I was just checking something.
Hey! Hey, don't start the mower unless you're ready to cut the grass! ( Gasps ) Oh, Sally You look so beautiful, so exquisite, so-- bold! You, my lucky lady, are in charge of that train.
Hey, Harry.
Um who's that? Sally, meet blind Joe slocum.
He's old, I borrowed him from the tip top club and he plays the blues.
- Okay, so what do you have that's new? - He's my new friend.
So are you of the bride's family or the groom's? Neither, I am with the immigration and naturalization service.
I have reason to believe that there is an illegal alien in the wedding party.
Really? Mary.
There's something I've got to ask you before this whole thing starts.
Oh dick, not again.
You're on Sally's left and remember, no skipping down the aisle.
( Knocks ) Can I borrow a toothbrush? There is the most adorable man out there with the government.
- He's looking for aliens.
- ( Yelps loudly ) Thank you, miss dubcek.
Now go out there and hypnotize him with your feminine wiles.
- It's never been a problem.
Oh! - Okay.
Family meeting! Family meeting.
- ( Whispers ) - ( All yelp ) - Where? - Are you sure? - I've got to see Michel.
- ( All yelling ) No, wait wait wait! No, wait wait wait! Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait! Wait wait! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Michel, - but I can't marry you.
- What?! - I'm sorry.
- But I need to get married, they'll send me back.
I'm an alien.
What? I-- I'm an alien.
Wow, okay.
See this is never gonna work because I'm an alien too.
- What? Then-- then what is the point of this? - I don't know.
Then give me back my money.
Well I can't, I spent it on the dress.
What? But-- just pull yourself together, man.
Listen, somebody's here looking for you.
Now come with us and we'll protect you.
No! No no no no, I am sick of you and your crazy people.
Crazy people! You're crazy! Hey, you! Come on, albright.
( Music playing ) - Oh! - ( Harry gasps, clears throat ) Oh, Mary, uh-- we are leaving town.
No particular reason, you know, call of the road.
Oh, dick, you shouldn't be embarrassed.
Michel's the one who got arrested.
They got Michel! Oh! The other guy from immigration.
It was an ugly fight.
The French tend to kick a lot when frightened.
Immigration? Yeah, they said they'll be sending him back to France in the morning.
Of course, he's from another country! That's why he's an alien.
- Alien from France.
- Oh.
Not a quivering purple tube from a distant galaxy sent to study humankind.
What? I said "not.
" I'm sorry, Sally.
It's all right, you know.
I got the cake, I got the dress, I got almost all the way to the altar.
- But you didn't get married.
- I know, but what the heck.
Hey, as long as we're all dressed up, who wants to go bowling? Tommy, Harry, grab my train.
She made a beautiful bride.
She'll make a beautiful bowler.
( Door closes ) There's something I've been wanting to ask you for several days now.
I thought about it long and hard and I know it's the right thing to do.
Mary Will you wear my watch? I can't wear this.
Oh, I see I thought it's what you wanted.
It's just too big.
I know it's a big step, but don't you think that maybe someday you might want to wear it? Well maybe if-- if I gain a lot of weight.
Cake? ( Classical instrumental music plays ) Some white irises, gerber daisies and a sprig of eucalyptus for balance and scent.
- ( Sniffs ) - Cool, what you doing? I'm making a centerpiece for the football team.
- Really? - Yeah, it'll go great on their training table.
I can't wait to see their faces when they see this baby.
Ooh, it's fun to stay at the Y.