3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick Behaving Badly

Good morning, Harry.
What are you eating? New cereal.
"Monopoly"? Finally a cereal about real estate.
Uh, Harry, that's a game, like "life.
" Life's a cereal too.
- And a magazine.
- Yeah, and a bowl of cherries, but that doesn't change the fact that you're eating little plastic houses.
Plastic, no.
These houses are just stale.
Stale plastic! Sally, did you take my blue suit to the dry-cleaners? Oh, no, it was too expensive, so I dry-cleaned it myself.
Here.
I think I may have sanded off a button, but-- - you ruined this suit! - I knew you were gonna say that.
Mary wants me to wear this to our party tomorrow night.
Uh, wait, don't you mean her party? No, ours, it's the first party we're hosting together.
So exactly which part of the party is yours? Oh, I'm in charge of the hors d'oeuvres.
I've chosen miniature egg rolls.
Oh.
Well, you know, brown goes with egg rolls.
Why don't you wear your brown suit? No, Mary wants the blue.
And if Mary wants the blue, Mary gets the blue.
Uh, permission to state the obvious, high commander? - Permission granted.
- You are so whipped.
- Excuse me? - Yeah, dick, whipped like pudding.
Pudding-whipped? I'm not pudding-whipped.
The woman tells you how to act.
- And what to say.
- And what to think.
- And how to act.
- I said that.
I know, I just wanted in.
Look, I will say this once and once only.
I am the high commander and nobody has control of my life, especially Mary, is that understood? - Yes, sir.
- Good.
Sally, pour me a cup of coffee and a bowl of monopoly.
But, sir-- ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
The high commander has spoken.
Nina, do you think I'm whipped? "Whipped"? - I know, it's crazy.
- By Dr.
albright? What was I thinking? - Dr.
Solomon - Yes, Nina.
You are wrapped around that woman's finger like a yo-yo.
And she is always walking the dog.
- Mary, we need to talk.
- Oh, dick can it wait? I'm late for class.
Mary, I will not be wearing my blue suit to our party tomorrow night.
That's okay.
You're positive, it's all right? - Sure.
- Oh, great.
- That's great.
- I'll wear my brown suit.
Uh, no, no, no.
Why don't you wear your blue blazer and khakis? Okay.
And you really should get a haircut before tomorrow night.
- You can go at lunch.
- No, absolutely not! I'll go at 2:00.
Damn! One, two, three, four-- eh, eh, you're not the top hat, I'm the top hat.
You're the boot.
- I'm not the boot.
- Harry, who's the boot? Sally said she wanted to be the boot, because it reminded her of a boot.
Fine, I'm the boot.
One, two, three, four, five.
Community chest.
"You have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Collect $10.
" Ooh, $10, you must be real pretty.
Yeah, pretty close to owning your knobby butt.
Now roll the dice, you long-haired alien freak.
Now, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine.
Oh.
"Go to jail.
" Go directly to jail.
Do not pass "go," do not collect $200, and do not, I repeat, do not drop the soap.
And so you will see that a equals dv over dt which equals d over dt, enclosed-- Oh, good, I'm glad you find Newton's laws in vector notation as hilariously misconceived as I do.
It's not why they're laughing, Dr.
Solomon.
They're laughing because of this.
A woman in a cocktail dress? Turn it upside down.
Oh, my I'm sorry, I'll have to confiscate this until I'm through.
Dr.
Solomon, can I get that back? It's for my brother's bachelor party.
- Bachelor party? - He's getting married, and all the guys are taking him to a strip club.
Strip club? "Roy's house of class.
" Why wasn't I invited? But Dr.
Solomon, it's just a pathetic excuse for guys to get together and behave like pigs.
So why wasn't I invited? Well, Dr.
Solomon, we just didn't think that maybe you No, you think that I'm too whipped to go to your twisted little soirée? - Sorry, Dr.
Solomon.
- Apology accepted.
Just tell me where it is and I'll be there.
Well, uh We don't exactly have a time set yet-- yeah, we're not really even sure with the wind and He was staring right at me.
Friday night, 8:00, "Roy's house of class.
" Ow, ow, ow, oww! Next time, my answer is paper.
Oh, dick, would you do me a favor for tomorrow night? Would you keep an eye on sal talbert? Last party, I think he tried on some of my teddies, they were stretched out in the strangest places.
Oh, don't open those, I want that fresh for the tapenade.
If I had something I had to do tomorrow night-- something else-- you'd understand, wouldn't you? Dick, we've been planning this party for weeks.
All your boring physics friends are coming.
Well, I-- I know, but it's an emergency-- an emergency bachelor party at Roy's house of class.
- Who's getting married? - Bug's brother, Fred-- or Frank, or something.
You're going to abandon me to go to a party for someone you don't even know? Pitman's going.
- This whole party was your idea.
- No, it wasn't.
- Yes, it was! Yes, it was! - No, it wasn't! No, it wasn't! Yes, it was-- we were at "the sea shanty" with the sullivans.
You were having crab cakes, which you hated.
They sang "Happy Birthday" to the kid at the next table.
You jumped up and said "I wanna have a party too!" Oh, that is absolutely untrue! Dick, this is your party.
You can't leave me alone with those physics guys.
- I have nothing to say to them! - Fine, I'll be here.
Who needs fun anyway? I want Tennessee.
You already own the railroads and all the utilities.
I need Tennessee.
I need it bad.
You just need to be the big man, don't you? Well, you know what, Tommy? It's the little ones.
The ones who labor to build houses on the baltics and the mediterranean, the ones who pay school taxes and property taxes.
The ones who are happy just to get a bank error in their favor.
For they're the ones, Tommy! The ones who own this country.
I'll give you $400 and my "get out of jail free" card.
Thank you very much.
I have made a command decision.
I am no longer whipped.
Good for you.
I'm tired of feeling like a catholic schoolboy always getting his knuckles wrapped by the nun he's dating.
So, what's sister Mary albright gonna say about this? She'll just have to accept it, because I'm the man! I'm stronger than she is, I have a larger cranium.
I'm far more likely to go to prison.
I'm the man! Now, if I could just find someone who could teach me how to act like one.
Tommy.
I'm sorry, but before you teach him how to be a man, shouldn't you get August's permission first? She-- she told me not to call her until after dinner.
Problem is that you both had your masculine energy zapped by blond chick goddesses.
Guess that makes me the only real man in the room.
Not even Sally can make that claim.
That's true.
How do you do it? Who, me? By keeping it real, dick.
Keeping it real.
You think you could help me? Follow me.
So, uh You wanna watch the pencil-neck leading the hen-pecked? Oh, so I take it you're forfeiting, 'cause either you're rolling these dice or you're forfeiting.
Ha! "Free parking," loser! First of all, you need a manly name.
"Dick" is so girly.
You need something hip, something sexy, something that says, "I'm a real man," something like "Manny.
" Harley.
Tubby.
Batman.
- How 'bout "solom-oh-n"? - Ooh-oh! Oh, I like that.
"Dick Solomon" Hi, I'm dick Solomon.
How much are those pliers? No, no No, don't look at your fingernails like that.
It's not manly.
This way.
Manly.
Not manly.
Very manly.
Manly no, manly yes.
How 'bout scratching? Outside the pants, manly.
- Inside the pants? - Too manly.
This is so hard, Harry.
How does a real man know what to do? Look deep inside yourself.
Find your primal instincts.
Hey.
Now let it come out, slowly.
Okay, now let it go, let it go.
- Hey, baby, what's shaking? - Ooh! There you go.
Now walk the walk.
Now talk the talk.
Hey, mama, I got ants in my pants and they make me do the hula dance.
- You the man.
- No, you the man.
- No, you the man.
- No, you the man.
- No, you-- - damn it, Harry, I'm the high commander! If I say "you the man," you the man.
Okay, okay.
I'm the man.
Good morning, ladies.
Hey, Judith, did those fries come with soup? I'd sue him if I knew what he was talking about.
Oow! - Hey, did it hurt? - What? - When you fell from heaven? - Oh! What's that smell? That's the scent of a man And brut.
Go home and take a shower.
You steel wool.
The party's tonight.
What makes you think I'm coming to our little party? This eldorado is leaving for "Roy's house of class.
" Is this a test to see how pissed I can get? Oh, come on, Mary, you can't run my life.
- Your what? - I have to be my own man.
Fine.
Go ahead.
Go to "the house of class.
" Leave me alone to entertain your friends.
That was easier than I thought.
Oh! - I tell you what you're gonna do.
- What am I gonna do? You're giving me Marvin gardens.
I'm giving you waterworks and St.
Charles.
- I don't want waterworks.
- I'm giving you waterworks, St.
Charles and $200.
- You're taking the deal.
- I'm not taking the deal.
- $400, take a deal! - $500! - Deal! - You're gonna like this deal.
Tommy, dick and I are going to the bachelor party, wanna come? Does it look like I have time for strippers? I'm playing freaking monopoly here.
Come on, Harry, let's make like a banana split and leave.
Boy, don't you look stupid.
You're just upset 'cause you have to be pretending to be my sister and can't get any play.
Yeah, right.
Hey, dick, why don't you slip one of these in your wallet? Might come in handy.
A moist towelette? In case they serve ribs.
Ow, my God, I love you.
I love you! I'm an ice cream sandwich.
Okay, dick The thing about these women is you've got to play it cool.
Just ignore 'em, pretend they're not even here.
Can I get you something to drink? Oh, man, Solomon's here.
- Hi there.
- Well, hello.
How'd you like to buy a bottle of champagne? - How much? - $75.
What, for a bottle of champagne? Are you crazy? How 'bout if I sit down and drink it with you? Well, then you should buy it yourself.
I mean, at least pay for half.
Roll the dice.
I'm down to nothing, Tommy, I've got to pass "go.
" Sally, the dice are gonna do what they're gonna do, let 'em fly.
Boardwalk.
No! With a hotel, that $2,000! I only got $600, Tommy, $600! - Mortgage another property.
- I mortgaged them all.
Really? Well, you know what that means.
It means I lost? - No.
- No? It means I won.
I won! Oh, you're the warrior, you think that you can win anything.
But not this time, pally.
This time you're the loser! Oh, Sally, Sally And you know what the best part is? - No, what? - The loser cleans up.
Fine.
What-- what are you doing? Hey! What-- Okay, that felt good.
Oh, I'm so horny.
Oh, yeah, yeah You're a woman, you're half naked, I'm a guy, yeah, I get it.
Tell me, are you enjoying yourself? Oh, yeah.
- Do you think we partied long enough? - Oh, yeah.
We've been here almost-- wow, 12 minutes.
How long do you think we have to stay so these guys don't think we're - You know - Women? - Yeah.
- Five seconds.
- Oh, yeah.
- Walk that around.
- Shake that thing.
- Who's your daddy? - Come to papa.
- Bang, bang.
- Ow! - Ow! All right, let's go.
- Huh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
- Huh-uh - Uh-huh - Huh-uh.
- Uh-huh.
Mary, settle this one for us.
Who is the more original physicist-- niels bohr or Max planck? Planck, definitely planck.
There's so much food here, it's like a white hole and the black hole is at the a&p.
- That's a good one.
- Oh, great.
These are the dullest people I've ever met.
They make my mother look like rip Taylor.
Gentlemen, if you'll excuse me.
I have to go wake up.
Excuse me.
- Hello, Mary.
- Well, dick, what a surprise.
I'd invite you in but there's no one taking their clothes off in here.
Of course at this point anything would help.
Mary, I'm back and I'm willing to forgive you for trying to run my life.
- Good bye, dick.
- Oh, wait, wait, wait! Mary, what I meant was I-- I want to apologize for reacting so poorly when you tried to run my life.
- Good bye.
- No, no, no, no, Mary, please, listen to me.
I'm sorry, I was acting like an idiot.
I didn't belong at that club tonight.
I belong here with you.
Can't I come in? Dick, it will be a long time before I let you back into my life, much less my house.
- Mary, Mary, we're about to play a.
P.
C.
- A.
P.
C.
? Astrophysics charades.
Okay, you've waited long enough.
Hi, boys! Wow, what a roomful of weirdos.
So you two together? Okay, okay, ready.
- Uh book! - Taxi! Uh journal! Theory! First word.
- It's a small world.
- Second word.
The first word or the second word? Two, the number two.
Oh Second word is sky.
Oh-oh-oh-oh! Big giant head.
Outer space.
Oh-oh-oh-oh! Alien, I'm an alien.
No-oo! You the man.
Uhh revolution.
Uh inertia.
Oh! Oh! "Two celestial bodies of equal mass Sharing a single gravitational field will exhibit identical rotational properties for as long as their inertial integrity is maintained.
" This-- this is the physics blowout of the semester.
Okay, who's up for quantum pictionary? Men Can't live with them Good night, Mary.
Okay Professor plum gets into the library with a pillow.
A pillow? You can kill someone with a pillow.
There's no pillow in clue.
That's what makes it so ingenious.
I've eliminated the library and the billiard room and I'm pretty sure-- hey, take a look at this! What am I doing playing board games? Oh, my