3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dickmalion

( Screams ) ( Screams ) ( Screams ) - Good morning, Dr.
albright.
- Oh, Nina, call the florist and tell them no carnations.
I want those flowers that look like bird's heads with a stick stuck in its eye.
You know, the good ones? - What's going on? - She's having some big affair.
( Grunts ) You tramp! Oh! Dick, it's a catered affair.
You're cheating on me and your diet?! No, the north rutherford country club is planning its charity auction and I volunteered my house.
I didn't know you were in a club.
They haven't asked me to join, not yet.
They have the most wonderful health spa.
Not to mention pool, tennis, golf, spa cuisine.
- Not that that's important.
- Oh, no.
- I'm doing this for charity.
- Oh, what charity? Oh, something for kids.
Orphans, I think.
I've got so much to do! I hope I haven't left anything out! Well, let's see.
You've kissed butt, sucked up, fawned over and stroked them.
A little wine and cheese and it's party time.
- Where's my guest list? - On my desk.
Oh, I'll go get it.
- What is wrong with her? - She' climbing the social ladder.
The what? I'm sorry, Nina, I don't understand ebonics.
No, you know, you try to fit in with a group of people by pretending you're just like them.
You talk like them, you act like them until they think you're one of them.
- You know what that's like.
- No! No, I don't! And neither does Tommy, Sally and Harry! No, we're not social climbers! - We're humans! - Oh, I've invited so many people, - I hope my place is big enough.
- I have an idea.
- Why don't you have your meeting at my place? - Your place? Ah, well.
See, dick, most of the people are coming from north rutherford and your place is All the way over on the other side of town.
But the buses run until 9:00.
What she means is you live on the wrong side of the tracks.
That's not what I'm saying out loud.
- What? - Well, it's just that I've tried so hard to get these people to accept me that I don't want to invite them to my boyfriend's attic with his Unusual brother and Angry Amazon sister in The heart of the meat packing district.
No offense.
- No, none taken.
- Or understood.
( '50s rock music playing ) - ( All gasp ) - Oh, that's gotta hurt.
This is an incredible sport.
These guys must be the best athletes on earth! Well, they don't call it professional wrestling for nothing.
- ( All gasp ) - ( Crowd cheering on TV ) Turn off the TV! But dick, it's your favorite! "The grave digger!" I don't care who it is.
We're not-- - oh look, he's got a new shovel.
- ( All agree ) Do you think we live on the wrong side of the tracks? What are you talking about? The tracks are right over there.
Yeah, if we lived on the other side of them, we'd have to wait for the train to pass every time we went to the liquor store.
- ( Door shuts ) - Hi, did I miss the grudge match? Mrs.
dubcek, have you ever been to north rutherford? North rutherford, sure.
I once had a fling with a pool boy up there.
Lovely cabana, very nice.
What's so special about it? It's a very different class of people there.
- Different class? - You mean, not homo sapiens? Oh no, they have their "artsy" types too, but they're very discreet.
Hey, Solomon.
Hey, elman, Romano.
How's it going, guys? - You are dead, Solomon! - What did I ever do to you? You bust out laughing in math class any time we say anything! Yeah, but guys, only the really stupid stuff.
- Get him! - Wait! If I had known it bothered you guys-- believe me, I won't do it again! - ( Locker rattles ) - Tommy: Hello? Anybody out there? This is not funny-- - hi.
- Are you okay? Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
How are you? Hey, don't let those guys bother you.
They're just having fun.
Oh, yeah, I know.
We had a few laughs last week when they "pantsed" me in the cafeteria.
- I'm lorna.
- Oh yeah, I know.
- You were in my math class last year.
- Oh, right.
- What happened to you? - I passed.
( School bell rings ) You know, lorna - I realized something sitting in that locker.
- What was that? I really should wash my gym shorts more often.
What's that? Oh, nothing, it was some stupid poetry I wrote.
Can I read it? - It's not very good.
- Oh, come on, come on.
Whatever.
"Last night, death signed my yearbook.
'Have a good summer, ' he wrote.
'See you next year.
' and then I realized it wasn't my yearbook he signed.
It was my tombstone.
" - What do you think? - I liked it.
Especially the surprise ending there.
You are the first one to get the irony.
What do you think of the one on the back? Ah.
"Death sent me an e-mail.
" There's a motif here, right? - Yeah.
- Ah.
Mr.
and Mrs.
St.
Clair, so good to see you again.
We've met before? Well, yes, several times.
We were trapped in an elevator for six hours.
Doesn't ring a bell.
I-- pried open the roof and climbed two stories to get help.
Oh, yes! She had on those awful leatherette boots.
Hmm.
( Doorbell rings ) Hello, Mary! I brought you a box of wine.
( Laughs ) - I don't drink that.
- Well, then why do you keep running out of it? Give me the damn box.
I'll have a glass of Merlot.
And I'll have a nice Hawaiian punch.
Don't believe we've met-- Edgar St.
Clair.
Don't believe we've met Edgar Allen poe.
But, um But I'm dick Solomon.
And what do you do, Mr.
Solomon? ( Stammers ) I'm in ( Using accent ) Physics Mr.
St.
Clair.
Physics, eh? You know, I always thought if I hadn't gone into business, - I'd have done something in physics.
- Yes And if you had wheels, you'd be a bus.
( Both chuckle ) - Actually, I own several bus lines.
- Really? Then all you need is the chassis.
( Both chuckling ) How's everything here? Perfect, thank you, Mary.
No Thank you for coming.
- It's my pleasure.
- Oh, no It's my pleasure to have you here.
Thank you again.
- So sad.
- Yes, she's trying so hard you can almost smell the desperation.
Oh, no, I think that's her dog.
You are a ticket.
Say, you must come by the club.
The boys should meet you.
It'll be a kick.
Oh, good.
Can I kick back? ( Both chuckle ) Oh, hi, lorna.
Uh, bye, lorna.
- Back for more, genius? - You're dead, Einstein.
Will you guys stop? You just want to beat him up because he's smart.
So? Uh, now wait a minute, guys, she's right.
If I'm smart and you guys are morons, nothing personal Wouldn't it make more sense for you to use my intelligence to your advantage? Huh? Here, let me use a visual aid.
- Take that kid-- - okay.
- This one? - Uh, yeah, yeah.
Now see, you'd probably like to beat him up, right? - Definitely.
- Yeah.
But see, you shouldn't because his sister's dating the third floor hall monitor and if you beat him up, you'll never be able to ditch chemistry.
- We don't take chemistry.
- No.
But now you can and you'll never have to go.
See? Told you he was smart.
( Snickers ) We don't have to take chemistry.
( Sighs ) Singapore sal, the iron maiden, circles her prey.
Her opponent, handsome Harry, circles nervously, hoping to avoid yet another serious injury.
( Both grunting ) Hoo-ah! You're good.
( Winded ) Real good.
Oh, well, hello, pair of hooligans.
- Who's the dork? - Oh, Harry Solomon, nice to meet you.
- Come on, guys.
- Where you going? - Out on the roof.
- What'cha gonna do? - Burn stuff, throw junk at cars.
- Have a good time.
- Hey, how's it go-- - ( Both groan ) I like his friends.
Nice kids.
I know, me too, sweetie.
( Grunts ) Well, it started it.
So, how was your party? - Did you play "pin the tail on the Bentley"? - No, no.
Mostly we just played "pin the cheese on the cracker.
" Mmm Exciting party, huh? Exciting? It was awful.
I had a two-hour conversation with someone about cornish gay men.
Are you sure it wasn't "cornish game hen?" That's what I said, "cornish gay men.
" Aren't you listening? Okay.
Good morning, everybody.
- Wasn't last night fun? - ( Chuckles ) Have you ever met a group of more interesting people? ( Chuckles ) - Here, Mr.
St.
Clair called.
- Oh.
Mr.
St.
Clair called.
That's so exciting.
What did he say? - He said to call him back.
- Oh, isn't that sweet? Mr.
St.
Clair wants me to call him back.
What do you think I should do? - Call him back.
- Oh right, right.
Ah, yes, is Mr.
St.
Clair in? Mr.
St.
Clair, Mary albright.
Hi.
What? Oh, I'd be honored to come.
Who? Dick? Well, sure, I'll bring him.
Yes, he is that.
Well, thank you.
No, no Thank you.
Bye.
This is so exciting.
The St.
clairs want to invite us to their club tomorrow night.
( Stammers ) Tomorrow? I can't! Well, why not? ( Stammers ) Well, for openers, tomorrow is Spaghetti and waffle night and the whole family is going mad with anticipation.
Can't you cancel? Well-- and break their little hearts? No, Sally's already made the Pesto syrup.
( Stammers ) So bring them along.
Oh, dick, I really want to go.
- And they really want you to be there.
- Why? Well, they like you.
They think you're fun.
Oh, please.
For me? All right.
Fine, Mary.
For you.
Oh, thanks.
I appreciate it.
No, it's okay.
We're having spaghetti and waffles tonight, too.
Both: Hey! Hey, Tommy, I'm sorry.
It was just an accident.
All right, kid.
- You don't sweat it.
Get lost now.
- ( Bell ringing ) - Hey, Solomon, let's get out of here.
- All right, man.
Wait, where are you guys going? - We're going to go set off the fire alarm.
- Both: Yeah.
- Why? - Why? 'Cause the alarm's going to go off and there's going to be kids running everywhere and they're - going to have to evacuate the whole building.
- Yeah, bro.
( Stammers ) It made more sense the first time he explained it.
- Boy: Yo, Solomon! - Yo, what's up? No, that's not it.
That's not it.
( Screams ) Oh, that's it! All right.
Head butts.
You ready? Dick: Sally! Tommy! Harry! Listen up! This is very important.
We've been asked to hob-knob with the creme de LA creme of rutherford's elite.
Hmm, well, I'm okay hob-wise.
It's the knob part what concerns me.
The evening is very important to Mary.
- We've got to make a good first impression.
- Whatever.
Edgar St.
Clair's nephew buzzy will be there.
He has a face like a horse.
I want you to charm him.
I'll bring a carrot.
Now, Harry, you will pose as Sally's wealthy cousin.
- Ah, am I well bred? - You're overbred.
In fact You're mute.
Mmm, all righty.
Oh, I mean ( Silent ) Now, Sally, they already adore me.
But you must strive to be accepted by these people.
Accepted? Have you forgotten how hot I am? I mean, good looking women are accepted at more places than American express.
I could belch the alphabet and men with phds would be asking me - to tutor their kids.
- ( Door shuts ) Great news! I am now the coolest punk in school.
Well, congratulations! What did you do? I got suspended for setting off the fire alarm.
( Scoffs ) They suspended you for that?! You saved hundreds of lives! No, no, no.
That's the best part.
There was no fire.
Tommy! This is outrageous! The next time you set off a fire alarm, you damn well better start a fire first! I can never do anything right for you, now can I? Mary: I'll be right down.
- Have you noticed? - What? There's no TV in this room.
Then why does it exist? - Okay How do I look? - Oh, very nice.
- But not great.
- You look great.
No, you would have said great if I looked great.
Mary, you look fantastic.
You're right, too busy.
I'll go change.
There's no TV in there either.
There is no TV anywhere on the ground floor.
That explains why she's so weird.
It's why them hoidy-toidies didn't like her party.
She got no TV.
How does she live? Actually, she gets a lot of information from books.
- Get out! - What? Sometimes she even reads for entertainment.
What, like TV guide? No.
What do you think, pearls or gold? The only accessory you need is me.
Aw I'll go get a scarf.
- Hey, lorna.
- Hi, Tommy.
- Hey, where were you today? - Home.
I'm just here picking up some books because I was Suspended.
- Bye, Tommy.
- Wait, where are you going? Tommy, I liked you because you were smart.
Now you're just like elman and Romano.
But you hang out with elman and Romano.
They have cars.
Now you're just like them.
But without a car.
I can change back, I can be smart again.
I'll be having my butt kicked by tomorrow afternoon.
Here, stuff me in a locker.
If only it were that easy, Tommy.
But you can never go back.
I've seen it a million times.
( All laughing ) So dick, this weekend, any chance we can squeeze in 18 holes? It depends.
How big are the holes? ( All laugh ) So you're saying that when a 300-pound soprano and a 250-pound tenor dress in funny costumes and take But when the grave digger takes on the caped Canadian, that's trash? I'm sorry, I don't get it.
Well, my point is the cultural "histoire"-- yeah, yeah, talk is cheap.
Let's go outside and settle this thing.
Why do you call it "bacon"? You don't "bake" it, you fry it.
Why the devil can't they call it "frycon"? Am I right, eggie? You know, I think he's on to something.
So, I made a brief stop-over in Spain, and then-- Harry: Really? I understand the plains of Spain experience Mainly rain.
I'm really impressed with dick.
He's got them eating out of his hands.
Yeah, I tried that once and got bit by a goat.
Oh, look at me.
All my life I've been on the outside looking in.
Now I'm on the inside.
- You want to go outside? - Never again.
I'm going outside.
- 500.
- That much? - I'm afraid you were taken, my friend.
- Was I? Yes, I only paid $20.
00 for mine, and it's a rolex, too.
The trick is to buy it straight off the truck.
No overhead.
- Have you listened to him? - Who? The "nutty Professor.
" - Lord knows which rock St.
Clair found him under.
- ( Both laugh ) Remember when he invited the Dutch transvestite to read our palms? And where did he get that accent? May I have your attention, please? Dickie has just informed me about something, and I think everyone should hear it.
Thank you, eggie.
I don't mean to panic anyone, but I'm afraid the calamari is infested with baby squid! Dick, suddenly I'm not feeling very well.
Mary, you didn't eat the calamari, did you? - Yes, that's it.
- We've got to get you out of here! Harry, Sally, bring the car around.
I'm sorry, boys, got to amscray.
Ta-ta.
Mary, you're spoiling our fun.
You know, if I were you, and had your money, the first thing I'd do is hire a good surgeon to have that huge cob removed from my butt.
You may have your little clubhouse, but none of you is truly happy.
Actually, we are.
Well, then, some of you are fat.
Oh, Mary, what a wonderful evening that was.
The ambiance, the people, the repartee-- - I hated it.
- Oh, wasn't it dreadful? I thought you were having such a good time.
I wanted to stick a chilled salad fork into my eye.
I don't know what I ever saw in those people.
I guess I spent so much time trying to impress them that I never stopped to realize that they weren't worth impressing.
You're worth impressing, Mary.
Thank you.
- You know one thing I did like about them? - What? - Their shrimp puffs.
- I didn't have any.
- I've got some right here.
- Oh Oh, wait, wait! I have dipping sauce.
No, thanks.
You know, in a way it's a shame things didn't work out better.
After all, they seem to like everything you do.
Not everything.
They can't take that away from me no, they can't take that away from me.
surprise! Oh my God! Now you have a TV on the ground floor.
That's the biggest TV I've ever seen.
How did you afford this? I sold your grandmother's antique end tables.
What? Actually, that only covered the down payment.
You have 12 more monthly payments of $265.
00.
Gunsmoke!