3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Sensitive Dick

Hey, dick, can I borrow the car keys? I have a date with August.
- Sure, Tommy.
- You can't give him the keys.
He can't drive.
How do you know? I've never tried it.
I could be great at it.
- Check and mate.
- He doesn't even have a license.
- You don't have your license yet? - I'm taking driver's ed.
- She's right.
No keys for you.
- Ha ha! - Then what am I supposed to do? - Sally, you drive him.
Ha ha! Hey there, tiger.
You remember my daughter Vicki, don't you? Sure.
I put a Turkey carcass on my head and had sex with her on your kitchen table.
That's my little girl.
So, what brings you to rutherford? She's back for her high school reunion.
Thanks for killing the surprise, mama.
Ever since they canceled "Ryan's hope," she's been real moody.
So, Vicki, why didn't you return any of my phone calls? Well, I wanted to, but they They put a lock on the phone down at social services.
Well, I'm glad you're here 'cause I could use some social services.
Come on, come on.
Anyone.
- "Y" to the fourth power.
- No.
No.
- Velocity squared? - No.
That guy from "jeopardy"? No, no, no! Dr.
Solomon, can't you just tell us the answer? We've been guessing for 45 minutes now.
You've been guessing? All right, people, due to your staggering ineptitude with the most basic concepts of quantum superpositions, I am issuing the following assignment: You will write a five-page letter to your parents apologizing for wasting their money.
I want them on my desk tomorrow morning for my approval and a blistering p.
S.
And bring a stamp, damn it.
I'm not a post office.
The wedding chapel was only two Miles away.
All she had to do was come to a complete stop and turn on her blinker, but I guess she had more important things to think about.
And now she's dead! - Any questions? - Yeah.
Where can I rent that movie? You can't.
Class dismissed.
Hey, Tommy.
Hello, don.
- Hello, Sally.
- Tommy said you were showing "the bride wore asphalt.
" - Did I miss it? - Yes, but - Maybe I can arrange for a private screening.
- When? - Now.
- Can we watch it backwards? You're a sucker for a happy ending.
Look, her head's back on.
- Judith.
- As head of the disciplinary committee, it is my sad duty to inform you that one of your students has registered a complaint against you.
There must be some mistake.
Is it true that you forced them to write humiliating letters to their parents? Well, yes, but that can't be it.
I'm afraid it is, and according to university rules of conduct, you must attend sensitivity training.
My office will contact you.
Oh, and dick, I wouldn't leave town.
I don't need sensitivity training, you strident, power-mad tart! Happy Birthday, dad.
Of course I remembered.
How's the chest pains? Mary, do you think I'm insensitive? You just hung up on my father.
Now, don't try to change the subject.
Okay, fine.
You're insensitive.
I am? Oh, come on, dick.
It wouldn't kill you to occasionally think of people's feelings before you speak.
What a bunch of crap.
You log 40 billion light-years without a single moving violation, they make you take a road test anyway.
Welcome to earth, folks.
You don't need that book.
Just use your common sense.
Green means go.
Yellow means slow down.
Red means stop and check your make-up.
That's my best friend.
That's Kenny.
Ooh, jace Carter.
Ooh! Whoa! Who's the biker chick with the confederate flag and the bottle of bourbon? That's me.
Nice.
Harry, I was wondering if maybe you'd be my date to the reunion.
I'd love to.
Will there be Turkey? Family meeting! Family meeting! What? I've just heard the most upsetting thing.
Someone has accused me of insensitivity.
You're not family! Get out! What is it with this planet's preoccupation with sensitivity? You should be able to have an open dialogue with anyone, like we do.
We can say anything to each other and not take offense.
For example, Tommy wouldn't object if I mentioned that he was a greasy little disappointment.
What's to argue? Sally couldn't dispute that she's a sadistic bimbo.
You got me.
And, dick, you're a rubber-faced bag of wind.
Well said! And Harry, you're an idiot.
Thank you, sir.
May I have another? Hooray For personal growth.
Today we're going to learn how to breathe, how to listen, and how to say "I have a personality disorder.
" - Wait a minute-- - dick, I hear you.
Can you Hear me? Yes.
You're the annoying guy in the unitard.
Dick, labels disable.
Okay, we're all shipwrecked at sea.
There's very little food left and one passenger too many.
I say we eat the big, fat guy.
Boo, dick! Boo! How about the woman with the bad hairdo? Your work is incompetent.
You get an "f.
" You fail.
You're right.
My work has been weak, but it's not my fault.
I'm just not as smart as you are.
Ah, I suppose you have a point.
I am exceedingly brilliant.
You just go so fast, I can't follow you.
And now I'll never get a job.
I'll have to sell my feet for keychains.
I've never heard things from your point of view before.
Maybe I have been a little hard on you.
I'm-- I'm I'm sorry.
I think someone needs a hug.
Okay, class, I thought we'd try something different.
- No kidding.
- Now, let's reflect on the ballet that is physics.
In standard quantum chromodynamics, the lagrange density equals one over four pi times the square of the field strength tensor.
Now, given that there is this concentration of intense nucleic energy, how many hydronic jets will emerge when the quark- antiquark line within the meson ruptures? Bug? A million? - Does that mean I'm right? - No, not even close, bug, but you tried, and that's what makes you special.
What's that supposed to mean? - Do you want me to say it slower? - No.
Class, I have your midterms.
Now, I didn't want anyone to feel stress, so I've abandoned the traditional grading system, and I'm giving you all happy faces.
I can't apply to graduate school with a happy face in physics.
Graduate school? I don't think any of you have to worry about that.
Nina, did you make the appointment for my high colonic? There are two things I don't do.
I don't pick up dry cleaning, and I don't schedule enemas, okay? That's okay.
I forgive you.
- Mary, are we still on for dinner? - Sure.
I was thinking of wearing this.
It's not coming off anytime soon, is it? Dr.
Solomon-- oh, dear God.
I'll make this brief.
Your students have filed a class-wide complaint against you.
You are required to appear before the disciplinary committee, which I chair.
What?! I give them happy faces on their mid-terms, and this is how they repay me? Yeah, that's messed up.
That's it.
No more Mr.
nice guy.
And no hug for you, four eyes.
Fine! This is the last time I shop at gotta dance.
The edacity! They won't allow me to return my unitard.
Why not? - Because I wore it without my underpants.
- Oh, my God! This reminds me of your prom night.
Oh! Only this time your date isn't married.
Hi, folks.
Unless you have a warrant, you cannot come in here.
- No, that's Sally's date.
- Oh.
Well, it's nice to meet you.
Don't I know you? No, I don't-- let's go.
Mama, let's go.
Go, go, go.
Hello, don.
Hello, Sally.
I thought we would skip dinner and drive straight to lookout point.
That is, if you can stand the heat.
You know me, don.
The hotter, the better.
- Ready, Tommy? - Yeah.
- Tommy's coming? - The kid needs to see how it's done.
You could show him how to put the key in the ignition.
Couldn't I just buy him some magazines? He's been reading about it for weeks.
He's ready for the real thing, and I figure He should learn from the master.
Okay, he can come, but I'm not promising anything.
If you'll all take your seats, this hearing can begin.
All right, dick, out with it.
Where did you grab her? And how many times? It's not that kind of hearing.
First, we will hear from Dr.
Mary albright who will speak on behalf of Dr.
Solomon.
Dr.
albright, how would you describe Dr.
Solomon? Well, it's kind of hard.
I mean Have you ever had a piece of really stinky cheese? I enjoy stinky cheese.
Continue.
The thing is, it has these wonderfully rich flavors that you can't get to without the stinkiness.
- Have you ever found Dr.
- Solomon to be insensitive? No.
Dr.
Solomon is warm, kind, and a credit to Pendleton state.
And he's never been abusive towards you? No.
Dr.
Solomon is warm, kind, and a credit to Pendleton state.
- Have you been coached to say that? - No.
Dr.
Solomon is warm, kind, and a credit to Pendleton state.
- Just keep your eye on the white line.
- Where is it? Look out! Uh don, maybe you ought to drive.
No! You're passing that test tomorrow if it kills us all! You heard the lady.
A 3-11.
Tommy, step on it.
Oh, party, man! Okay, Harry, don't you let these people intimidate you.
You just be yourself.
You're great.
Remember that.
- Hello, Vicki.
- Hello, elroy.
This is my boyfriend.
He's a famous brain surgeon.
Vicki dubcek? - Look at you! - Oh, look at you.
What was that nickname we used to call you? "Whore.
" Whore! Isn't she priceless? And who are you? Harry Solomon, United States ambassador to Portugal.
What bothers you most about Dr.
Solomon's teaching methods? He's always saying I'm wrong.
And how often are you wrong? Always.
One day he told me if I liked long hair so much, maybe I should join the circus.
- Were you hurt by that? - No.
More confused.
And then he stared at me, and I felt all dirty.
He did well in the session, but when he left, he stole the puppets.
Dr.
Solomon, do you have anything to say - in your defense? - I have plenty to say.
I should have brought a book.
I stand here accused of insensitivity.
Sure, I've tried to change my ways.
I've cried.
I've hugged.
I've been hugged.
And you know what I've discovered? I'm an offensive person.
But in a tolerant society, is there no place for my kind? Why must everyone like me? Why can't we all just Not get along? Conflict is necessary.
Throughout history, human beings have persecuted the great agitators-- socrates, Galileo, and now dick Solomon.
Where would you be without us to provoke and enlighten you? To attach the electrodes of knowledge to the nipples of ignorance? Throughout history, all over the world, people have rightfully looked to Pendleton state for virtually nothing.
But maybe one day they'll be able to say that an unpopular battle was won there for an ugly little thing called the truth.
- Thank you.
- And when they make a movie of this-- and they will-- I don't want to be played by Woody harrelson.
We will now deliberate and return with a guilty verdict.
Who would have thought that I'd be spending this night in a veritable wonderland of twinkly lights, tiny wienies, and the most beautiful woman from Orlando? Mmm.
So what did you do at your high school reunion? Vicki, I didn't exactly graduate from high school.
Oh.
Well I didn't exactly graduate, either.
Jace? Jace Carter? - Yeah? - Well, it's Vicki dubcek here.
Oh.
Right.
I don't think you understand.
That's Vicki dubcek.
- Who are you? - I'm Vicki's husband, Harry Solomon, Hollywood stuntman.
And when I'm not crashing through plate glass windows or catching on fire, you'll find me at my Hollywood mansion with my wife.
You see, I could have any woman I want, including her But I choose Vicki to share my fabulous Hollywood lifestyle.
Wow! Vicki, you made it.
Yeah.
Yeah, I did.
I'm also the postmaster general.
After reviewing all the testimony, the disciplinary committee unanimously votes to admonish Dr.
Solomon.
- What does that mean? - You're officially admonished.
Does that come with a pay cut? No.
However, if there's another violation, you will be censured.
Does that come with a pay cut? No, but should that fail to stop you, you will be sanctioned, which means a 30-day suspension.
- With pay? - Yes, with pay.
That sounds good.
Could I be sanctioned right now? No.
We're adjourned.
Dr.
Solomon, I'm really sorry.
We never meant for there to be a hearing.
I don't even know how it got this far.
No need to apologize.
You're stupid, I'm rude.
See you tomorrow.
We'll see you.
Well, dick, I think you made a nice point.
Yes, for a piece of stinky cheese.
Oh, dick, you are who you are, and that's the guy I love.
Thank you, Mary.
- And you know what? - What? - I love me, too.
- Good.
It's something I learned in sensitivity class-- to love myself.
- Good.
- And I really love myself.
I mean, a lot.
Well, I failed by driver's test.
I can handle a high-speed police chase, but for some reason, at 20 Miles an hour I hit three parked cars.
Don't worry about not having your license.
Lord knows it hasn't stopped me.
I'm going to be the laughingstock of my whole school.
Well, I've discovered something, Tommy.
It doesn't matter what you do in high school, as long as you can make people feel like losers at the reunion.