3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Will Work For Dick

Nina! This needs to go out right away! - What's so urgent? - It's the phone company survey.
I'm very satisfied with my service.
Nina! - Mail this.
- I'll do it on my way out.
- I've got a blind date.
- Well, that's exciting.
Why, is he driving? It doesn't matter.
You'll have to cancel.
We have too much work to do.
Why now? You haven't done any work in two days.
I know.
And now I'm paying for it.
If you want, you can invite your blind date here and tell him it's a disco.
That's the best I can do.
Can't this wait until tomorrow? No, Nina.
You're paid to do my bidding.
- I was never paid to work for you.
- What? I am Dr.
albright's assistant.
When you showed up, they doubled my workload, and the only raise I got was the privilege of working for you.
I think you're starting to take that privilege a little for granted.
You know, you're right.
I don't deserve you.
I quit.
- What? - Nina, you can't quit.
I need you.
Let her go! I guarantee you'll never work in this town again.
I'm still working for Dr.
albright.
I'm just quitting you.
Oh, no.
No, no.
No, that's not how it works.
We're a package.
You quit one of us, you quit us both.
- Isn't that right, Mary? - See you in the morning, Nina.
Ha! Harry, I have great news.
You're going to be my new assistant.
Whoa! Assistant high commander Harry.
- I knew this day would come.
- No, Harry, my office assistant.
You'll find me to be an easy person to work for.
My demands are simple.
Simply someone who understands that working for me is in and of itself a reason to live.
It seems like I should be paying you.
I considered that, but it's impossible.
You'll be making virtually nothing.
You'll only have to perform the most basic of tasks.
- You've sent out mail before.
- Nope.
- Well, you've stapled before.
- I have not.
Well, surely you've used a paper clip.
You mean those cotton things you put in your ears? How many fingers am I holding up? - Two.
- You're hired.
( '50s rock music playing ) Have some tea.
Um there's no tea in here.
It's pink tea, and it's good tea.
Kid, did you fall off the jungle gym or what? What's going on? I'm watching dubcek's illegitimate grandkid.
- You're late for tea.
- Sorry.
There's no actual tea, right? It's pink tea, and it's good tea.
- The cake is pink, too.
- The cake is pink, too.
All right, maybe this is tea, but this is definitely not cake.
Hi, Harry.
What are you doing here? I work here.
Oh, you're dick's new assistant.
Yes, sir, I'm the new guy.
You know, at first, no one likes the new guy.
People are threatened by the new guy, but other people are secretly attracted to the new guy.
Hello, Mr.
Dr.
Solomon, sir.
Welcome back.
"Welcome back.
" Harry, unlike Nina, you are a gentleman.
Here are your mail and your messages.
I've already taken care of the first two, and I restocked your stationery.
- Thank you, Nina.
- Harry, did I get any phone calls? Oh, yes.
It rang repeatedly.
And, um Who called? Well, I don't know.
I'm not clairvoyant.
Of course not.
But I'm sure you filed my midterms.
No But I did pre-lick all your stamps And I have placed them here on your filing cabinet for your convenience.
Nice work, Harry.
Now, when I want to mail a letter, I'll just steam, scrape, and tape.
So, anyway, she looks at me, and she says, "it's pink tea, and it's good tea.
" Oh, that's so sweet.
I'm not done with the story.
It was imaginary tea.
- Did she serve imaginary cake and muffins? - Yes! Both: That's so cute! Is there some sort of imaginary bakery I'm missing out on? Oh, I always had Barbie tea parties.
Oh, Barbie-- blond hair, tiny waist, legs up to her neck.
- Who grows up to look like that? - Yeah, who? Yeah, who? Why did everything seem possible at that age? - Did you ever do your best friend's hair? - Yes.
- Did you ever play dress-up? - Wearing your mother's clothes? My brother Roy did that.
- Ballet lessons.
- Both: Oh, ballet! Ballet! On my recital night, I felt like cinderella.
Of course, I looked like one of the hippos in "fantasia.
" Yeah, me-- no, I I looked cute.
So, remember when we used to do what? I can still remember taking my bow.
My dad gave me a single white rose.
I was his little princess.
I want my childhood.
Don't we all? - Tommy! - Tommy: I'm not coming out.
I want to play Barbie.
I feel like Tommy longstocking.
That's what I was going for.
Now sit down.
You're Ken.
Okay, Ken, so what do you want to do today? Hmm, nothing that involves bending my knees or elbows.
Okay, well, have a great day at work.
I will.
And while there, I'll earn 25% more than you because I'm a man.
That's not fair.
I'm going to sue you in Malibu dream court.
Don't get your mink in a bunch, precious.
Well, now you're talking down to me.
So now I have to rip your head off.
You don't play right.
Baby.
You forgot your head.
Shut up! So, dick, you know what I overheard - at the water cooler? - What? That there's this weird guy hanging around the water cooler.
Dick, I'm so glad you're home.
Read that.
An application to little miss slippers ballet academy? Yeah.
I really need ballet lessons.
- It's imperative to my mission.
- Can you get in? - Do you have $150? - For this? - Don't make me beg.
- No, lieutenant.
Ple-eeeease! All right! Enjoy.
I'm going to be the best damn ballerina in that whole class! ( High-pitched voice ) Ooh! My boyfriend drives a camaro.
- Ooh! Ooh! - Harry, get up! Yes, sir.
- I want to talk to you about work today.
- Oh! It was the greatest day of my life.
- It was a disaster.
- I'm glad it's over.
- Now I can stop pretending.
- Hold it right there.
There's going to be some changes around here.
From now on, your desk will be your girlfriend.
Her name will be Lucille.
She will be the only woman in your life.
Dick, I don't like you like this.
I don't want you to like me because liking leads to loving, and loving leads to reproduction, and nobody reproduces with me! - Understood? - Yes, sir.
Now get some sleep.
Starting tomorrow, I'm going to whip you into shape.
Okay, but don't touch the face 'cause I'm a pretty man.
Dick: Harry! - My pencils are dull.
- Talk to Dr.
albright instead.
She's riveting.
Thank you, Harry.
Sharpen these.
That's eight pencils at seven seconds each.
And I want a progress report typed and on my desk in 50 seconds.
Now go, go, go, go, go, go! - Harry-- - not now, Nina.
I'm on a deadline.
Don't you think Dr.
Solomon's making some unreasonable demands of you? - Don't be silly.
- Harry! Pee in this cup.
I want to see if you've been eating my mints.
It's fine.
Dick's just trying to whip me into a first-class assistant.
Look, next time he starts to get on your case, you tell him to talk to the hand.
Talk to the hand.
- Well, I don't know.
- Harry, get out here-- now! - Why is my out box full? - Because the mail just came in.
Why did you put it in the out box? Because it came out of the mail.
Why is my letter to the Dean in the in box? The Dean won't be back till tomorrow, but once he's in, the in goes out.
Things in the out box are going out.
Well, why don't we just get one big box? That way we'll put everything in there.
- I mean, that's 50% less box.
- That's not how it's done.
Anyone with half a brain could do this job.
What is your problem? - Dick? - Yes.
Talk to the hand.
( Humming ) Dick.
Dick, look at me.
Just try to keep your foot out of the egg salad.
Look at me.
Look what I learned.
Look.
Oh.
Good.
They taught you to squat.
It's not a squat.
It's a plié.
- What's a plié? - A French squat.
I'm practicing for my recital.
I'm so excited.
Everybody's parents will be-- - Sally-- - ooh, Tommy! Oh, Tommy, you are stylin'.
Yeah, thank you.
Will you please fix what you've done to my head? No, but I will let you borrow some of my barrettes.
Well, that'll look better.
I cannot wait for you to see the recital.
I do a pirouette at the end.
The teacher says I look like a drunk bear.
I'll be there.
Look at me, damn it! I'm your little princess! Aw! You look beautiful! Thank you.
Come on, Tommy.
- I need you for the pas de deux.
- Tommy: What the hell? - Harry, come watch me practice! - Sorry, Sally.
I have to sit here and silently glare at dick.
Am I going to have an emotional outburst, - or are you? - You just did.
- I did not! - Ah-ha! Harry, I hired you to replace Nina, but instead she's turned you into her sassy doppelgänger.
- Is that right? - That's right.
- You know what? - What? I'm not taking it anymore.
The carnival is leaving dicksville.
- I quit! - You can't quit.
You're fired.
No-ooo! I'm sorry things didn't work out, but best of luck in your future endeavors.
- Okay, see you tonight.
- All right.
Does this mean you've come to your senses, and you're going to apologize to Nina? No, I will never come to my senses.
I don't need Nina.
I don't need Harry.
I don't need anybody.
From now on, I'm going to be my own assistant.
( Rings ) Hello.
Yes, I'll be at the seminar.
I don't know about Dr.
Solomon.
Hold on a second.
Dick? Transfer it to my assistant, please.
Okay.
( Intercom buzzes ) Dr.
Solomon's line.
Who's calling, please? Uh I'll ask him.
The seminar? Yes.
I'll ask him and get back to you this afternoon.
- ( Rings ) - Dr.
Solomon's line.
Who's calling, please? Hold on, please.
I'll transfer you.
( Intercom buzzes ) This is dick Solomon.
How can I help you? No, no, no, you want dick Sullivan in the English department.
Transfer you? I'm already doing the job of two men.
Next time, pick up a phone book, you moron! ( Phone rings ) - Dick, I think your phone's ringing.
- ( Shrieks ) ( Rings ) Dick Solomon's line.
Who's calling? This is luella from the Dean's office.
Please tell Dr.
Solomon we need copies of all past purchase orders for the past 18 months.
Uh, uh Purchase orders? Uh, yes, I dropped them off this morning.
You never dropped those off! You lie! How do you know? You weren't even there.
I can tell just by looking at you.
I can't work like this.
Obviously not.
Such mistrust! Well, get out, then! Fine! I will! Not so easy, is it, dick? On the contrary.
All I have to do now is Take Dr.
Solomon's exam to his 10:00 class.
There's only one here.
I have 30 students.
Well, that's funny.
They usually duplicate themselves.
( Gasps ) No, wait.
Nina always made the copies.
Oh, Nina made the copies, huh? Then I can make the copies.
I'll just take this paper and walk out this door and turn to the, uh - The right.
- Yes, I knew that.
And then walk right into the, uh Third door on the left.
Don't patronize me.
It says "xerox" on it.
Obviously.
( Electronic beeping ) Okay.
I put this under here, press this, enter the number "30," and start.
( Mechanical humming ) Piece of cake.
( Beeps ) "Paper jam"? Okay, fine.
I just press this, open this, remove the paper, and press this and "start.
" ( Beeps ) "See key operator.
" Well, that's me.
I'm operating the keys.
Me! Damn you! I'm going to press "cancel.
" Is that what you want? - 'Cause I'll do it.
I'll press it.
- ( Beeping ) - Stop it! Damn you! - ( Beeping stops ) ( Yells ) I'm going to beat you with your own toner cartridge! ( Yelling ) There's my daddy.
There's my daddy.
Dick? Dick? Her daddy's not here.
Her daddy's a bad man.
- ( Jazz playing on stereo ) - ( Doorbell rings ) ( Music stops ) ( Gasps ) Dr.
Solomon! What happened to you? - Oh, Nina, I was so - Oh, no, no, no, no! ( Yells ) Uh-uh! I thought I didn't need anyone, but I do.
I need you.
- Get off the carpet.
- Why? ( Screams ) Don't sit there.
Nina.
Nina, your place is beautiful.
Oh, no! But where are your file cabinets, your pencil sharpeners, your office furniture? You think the only Nina that you see exists in the office? You're wrong.
There's another Nina.
Will she work for me? You don't respect me.
If you want me to work for you, I need your respect.
Nina I respect you.
- I don't believe you.
- What do you want me to do? - Crawl on my hands and knees? - Oh no! Get up! No, you respect-- okay, I'll come back.
- Oh, Nina, thank you! - ( Shrieks ) I'll see you at the office.
Gypped.
All I wanted was a normal childhood, but dick just couldn't let me have one.
I felt so humiliated.
I bet when you looked out into that audience and you didn't see dick there, - you felt like your heart was torn out.
- Yeah.
- And you felt betrayed and alone.
- Uh-huh.
And now you're probably pretty much damaged for life, - and you'll never trust anyone ever again.
- Exactly.
Yeah.
Well, congratulations, Sally.
You've just taken your first step into childhood.
- I have? - Yeah.
And now you take all this emotional damage and let it feed your adult neuroses.
And the best part is that if you ever kill a guy or balloon up to 400 pounds, you get to blame dick.
Yeah.
Dick: Tommy! Sally! Sally, I am so sorry I missed your recital.
Yeah, you did.
Thanks, dick.
- What for? - You've given me the most precious gift of all-- emotional baggage.
Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- Now I gotta go eat.
I'm sorry, Harry.
I thought I didn't need anyone.
I thought I could do everything by myself.
It turns out I was wrong.
I do need someone, just not you.
Well, it takes a big man to admit that.
I guess it just goes to show you, you can't work with your family.
But, technically, we're not a family.
We're more like co-workers.
Well, it just goes to show you can't work with your co-workers.
Isn't that the motto of the postal service? Okay, this is how it works.
- You put the paper in there.
- I did that.
- Press this button.
- I did that.
- It should work.
- ( Beeps ) - Paper jam.
- Not a problem.
- Pull this out.
- I did that.
- Press this button.
- ( Beeps ) It's not working.
What is wrong with this?! Damn it! ( Yelling ) Stupid! The other side.
Harder.