3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Fifteen Minutes of Dick

I just cannot believe that they moved us to this lousy table.
Yeah, I can see the ice in the urinals, for crying out loud.
That's it, I'm gonna go talk to the guy in the monkey suit and find out what's goin' on.
Well, everybody, I'd like to propose a toast.
Uh, no.
No, Harry.
Let me.
( Clears throat ) To someone who has been an inspiration to us all and a beacon of light in a dark and ominous fog of mediocrity-- to me.
- Can I see it? - I've been immortalized.
Ah, yep.
It's not just anybody who gets to be in the Pendleton yearbook.
Only those people who work at or attend Pendleton.
Okay, well, marizio said he can't give us our table back.
He's saving it for someone important, some bigwig.
A bigger wig than I? Whoa! Check it out, you guys.
It's mark hamill.
I cannot believe we had to give up our table for Luke Skywalker.
"Ooh, look at me.
I'm so important.
My father's darth vader.
" He is? I'm gonna go over there and I'm gonna get our table back.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Remember, Sally, he's a celebrity and therefore our superior.
( Scoffs ) - Uh, you're mark hamill, right? - Yes.
- Okay, well, look, I hate to do this, but I really-- - no problem at all.
It's okay.
- Here we go.
- Um, what are you doing? Well, signing my name.
( Scoffs ) I don't need proof, pal! I know it's you! Move over, sweetie.
Get up! All right, here's what's gonna happen, okay? My family is gonna sit here and you guys are gonna sit over there.
( Making whirring sounds ) Hey, how about this: I'll give you a copy of my new book, and we'll call it even.
Okay, how about this? Why don't you book over to that table? Look, I'm sorry.
I'm not moving anywhere.
( Chuckles ) I disagree.
What-- he seems very down-to-earth.
Ooh! ( Chuckles ) Scrappy.
May the force be with you, buddy! ( '50s rock music playing ) Hey, guys, guess who's on the front page? - Ta-da Sally Solomon.
- What? "Local woman Sally Solomon put her foot down for the common man last night square on the chest of star wars: Special edition star mark hamill.
" This is huge! "Said Solomon, 'just because I'm a nobody doesn't mean I'm not somebody'.
" Wow, that sounds like they're making you out to be some kind of hero or something.
That's nice, Sally.
Not as nice as being published in the yearbook, but it's ( Phone ringing ) Hello? Yeah, she does.
What, today? Yeah, yeah.
Hold on, I'll ask her.
Uh, Sally, they want you to be on good afternoon, rutherford.
That's my second-favorite show.
- What's your first favorite? - Good morning, rutherford.
Why are they making such a big deal out of this thing? This is a joke, right? No, it's not a joke at all.
We're superior beings.
The spotlight was bound to find us sooner or later.
She'll be there.
- In fact, they'll probably want to interview all of us.
- Yeah.
They'll probably want the perspective of the guy who spent the whole fight hiding in the ladies' room.
I was not hiding! I was freshening up.
Host: When we come back, we'll meet Sally Solomon, rutherford's newest hero.
Good afternoon, rutherford! Clear! - Hi.
- Hey.
- I'm a big fan.
- Oh! Now, is there anything I can get you? Soda, water, coffee-- oh, no, I can get it, thanks.
Hey, you know, enough already.
- Oh, Sally, there you are.
- Dick, where have you been? Putting on my own makeup, for starters.
- Where will I be sitting? - Who are you? Oh, I'm dick Solomon.
Perhaps you've read my book.
Why don't you go sit over there on that couch underneath the air conditioner.
Is that where you do emotional family reaction shots? Uh, sure.
Sally Solomon, you took your table back.
Well, just 'cause a guy's famous doesn't mean he can walk on people.
( Audience applauding, cheering ) Woman: We love you, Sally! Let's go to the phones.
You're on the air with Sally Solomon.
Man: Uh, yeah, Sally, i just want to say, to heck with mark hamill, you should be in the next star track movie! ( Audience applauding, cheering ) No, I'm just a homemaker.
Just because you're a nobody doesn't mean you're not a somebody! ( Audience applauding, cheering ) Wow.
Okay, let's take another caller.
Go ahead.
Man, Indian accent: Oh, my goodness, yes.
I am congratulating miss Sally Solomon, and I am wondering if she can speak a bit about the brave and, some might say, gorgeous person who made the reservations.
Thank you very much.
( Low ) Oh, I think it's great.
( Normal ) Well, hi, dick.
I saw the show.
Sally was wonderful.
She has such a presence.
Yeah, that.
It's so exciting to see somebody you know on TV.
Yeah, Jerry springer had my Uncle Jennifer on once.
Well, I guess it's great being on television if you're one of those people that always has to be looked at-- you know, one of those pathetic types that always needs to be the center of attention.
Hello! I'm speaking over here! - I'm sorry.
Did you say something? - All I'm saying is, there's something wrong in this country when people are fawned over for attacking movie stars while brilliant physics professors toil on in obscurity.
Isn't that what the nobel prize is for? Oh, please, don't get me started on that vacuous popularity contest.
Oh, remember what Andy warhol said.
What? "I bet if I paint this can of soup, some sucker will pay a million dollars for it"? After that.
The thing about everybody being famous for 15 minutes.
- Fifteen minutes? - This is Sally's 15 minutes.
Let her enjoy them.
Fifteen minutes? Oh.
Fame is so fleeting.
( Chuckling maniacally ) Poor Sally.
Hey, Solomon, that lady who decked Luke Skywalker has the same last name as you-- "Solomon.
" - Yeah, yeah, she's my aunt.
- No way.
- Actually, she is.
- You are such a liar! - Let's get him! - Wait, wait, wait! Yes, I will tell her.
Okay, I'll tell her! Tommy, I've been trying to call you for two hours.
The phone's been ringing off the hook.
Everybody wants to talk to Sally.
That last guy was the manager of the scone zone.
They want to name a latte after her.
Oh, those poor, misguided fools.
Even with a generous grace period, her 15 minutes were over hours ago.
What a great day! Harry, could you do me a favor and grab me a mineral water? - Okay, Sally.
- Sally, when's dinner? Oh, I ate.
- Where? - Marizio's.
- Marizio's? - Yeah, he called the station right after the show.
He said he felt awful about how I was treated there.
Guess which table he gave me? - No! - Yes! While you were with marizio, I've been acting like your stupid secretary.
I'll take those, 'cause from now on I'm Sally's stupid secretary.
( Ringing ) Hello.
Well, it's kind of short notice.
Well, okay.
We'll expect you to send a town car.
Oh! With a driver.
This is big.
Sally, you are throwing out the first pitch at the championship game of the rutherford senior citizens' high-arc modified slow-pitch world series.
I've always dreamed.
- I'll lay out your gown.
- Just a minute, missy.
I think you're forgetting something-- our dinner.
Tonight I'd like you to make something stroganoff-y.
Mmm, I'm sorry, but due to a prior commitment, miss Sullivan's dinner-making will have to be rescheduled.
Enough! Lieutenant, as of right now, I order you to be no longer famous.
- You can't order that.
- Think of the mission.
This is bigger than the mission! I didn't ask for this mantle.
The people of rutherford need a Sally Solomon, and it just so happens I am Sally Solomon.
So I will be their Sally Solomon.
I can do no less.
Play ball! Hi, hi, hi, hi.
More flowers for Sally.
Very nice.
Hello, dubie.
Listen, be a love and put them with the others, would you? Hi, boys.
Sorry to keep you waiting.
Now, Sally, they just want to do an interview and pop a few photos of you just being yourself.
Well, that's fine.
Why don't I just walk over to my favorite chair and relax like I always do.
I did some modeling in my day.
'Course, I had a very bad experience, though.
The runway stopped and I didn't.
- Out, out, out, out, out.
- Why do I have to stay in the kitchen? The rutherford bugle is having a photo shoot to capture the private side of Sally Solomon, and we need to keep the public out of the way.
But-- but it's my living room! Dick, we're trying to create an atmosphere here-- you know, something with a little less you.
( Gasps ) Keep moving, boys! We're losing light! - Don't they know that I'm in the yearbook? - Boy, is this sucking.
Would you please keep it down, people? "People!" He called us "people!" No one Calls us "people"" and then he screamed like a little girl.
- That's great, I love that.
- I've got a terrific idea for a photo.
Sally, why don't you show them how many little Debbies you can shove into your mouth at one time? ( Gasps ) Yeah, why don't you let 'em take a picture of you in the kitchen, burning our dinner? Why don't you take a picture of her trying to find a boyfriend? Although it'd have to be a long exposure.
Lies! Lies! They're all lies! Hey, sorry about our little misunderstanding the other day, Solomon.
I guess she really is your aunt.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, whatever.
Yeah, must be pretty cool living with a celebrity.
Yeah, you want to come under the bleachers and throw stuff at the soccer team? Oh, I have a class right now, actually.
So now your aunt's on TV and suddenly you're too cool to hang out with us? - Let's get him! - Wait-- for God sakes, pepper, get out! Look, it's that slutty little beagle from next door! ( Whimpering ) Careful! Don't let him in! Run along, pepper.
I've been trying to get him out for an hour.
That must be an awfully long time in Mary world, where 15 minutes lasts for five days! - Is this about Sally? - Yes! Do you think you could get her to speak at my rotary luncheon next week? Harry won't return my calls.
- Oh, Mary, you too? - Oh, dick, why are you so upset about this? What do you want? Fame! I want to live forever, light up the sky like a flame-- fame! Don't blame Sally.
She punched out a star and some glitter stuck to her fist.
Could have happened to anybody in the restaurant.
I never thought of that.
My God, you're right! Oh, Mary! ( Kisses ) How can I repay you? Glad I could help.
No-oo! Mark hamill! Yes.
I'm sorry, sir.
There is a line.
And you have crossed it.
You're sitting at my table.
- What? - Prepare to be heaved into nonfiction.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- Uh, we don't have security.
Not so tough without "chew-bacon" around, are we? - I think I can take him.
- Thanks.
You know, just because you're somebody doesn't mean that I'm not Somebody else! Well, now I see how fame works.
When a woman stands up to a celebrity, she's a hero, but when a man three times his size picks a fight with him for no apparent reason, suddenly he's the bad guy.
It's just so unfair! Uh, Tommy, maybe we should get out of here and maybe go grab a rusty burger or something.
Oh, well, I thought you didn't want to be seen with me 'cause Sally was so famous.
Oh, let it go, Tommy.
Sally is so over.
- She is? - She is? Yeah, now everyone's talking about that woman in east rutherford who's living on nothing but spices.
- What, like paprika? - Probably.
- Hide the paper! Hide the paper! - Why? Because Sally's not in it.
Any phone calls? - No.
- Thank God.
Peace and quiet.
Peace and quiet.
Uh, Harry, where are the fresh flowers that come every morning? The ones in there are wilted.
They did come this morning, didn't they? Yes.
They came.
But they were mums.
And I know you don't like mums, and so I threw 'em out.
And that's what happened.
You are good to me.
And now I must rest.
And to think that I wanted fame.
That could have been me.
It's so sad.
She was so big.
She still is big.
It's the planet that got small.
Now if you'll excuse me, ( choking up ) Madam needs me.
( Imitating lasers firing ) ( Screaming ) - ( Knock at door ) - Yes? - Harry: Housekeeping.
- Oh, come on in.
hamill, I will not lie to you.
I am not from housekeeping.
I'm here because my sister, who is your biggest fan in the world, has only 72 hours to live! ( Sobbing ) Gee, I'm so sorry.
I wish there was something I could do.
Actually, there is.
Come with me to old downtown rutherford, where you will be seen with her in a crowded restaurant.
She then gets to pummel you and become a media sweetheart.
I'll go get your bags.
Oh, this would be nice.
You can wear this.
( Cries out ) Could you get somebody from security up right away? What do you mean, there isn't any? The freakin' ewoks at the Sheraton had security! Come on! - Mr.
hamill! - He's getting out! - Mr.
hamill! - Help! Man on TV: We love you, Sally! Man #2: Just because you're a nobody doesn't mean you're not somebody.
( Clicks off, rewinding ) Man: We love you, Sally! Man #2: Just because you're a nobody doesn't mean you're not somebody.
- They did love me, didn't they? - What are you doing up? - The phone might ring.
- Well, but it's 4:00 in the morning.
It's only 1:00 on the coast.
Sally, I know this must be very painful.
How could you know? You'll never know what I had.
Sure, you're the high commander of an intergalactic exploratory mission, but me? ( Exhales ) I was a star.
At least you got to be famous for a little while.
It was good while it lasted.
How can I go on? I'm not famous anymore, I'm not special.
- I'm nobody! - You're not nobody.
You don't have to be famous to be special.
The world doesn't know about Nina and how she goes to the old folks' home every Wednesday and sings them happy songs despite her busy schedule and their constant requests that she go away.
That's special.
Officer don sometimes takes money out of his own pocket and feeds expired parking meters.
To save people from getting tickets? No, he just hates doing the paperwork, but It's still special.
I know someone else who's special.
Someone who helped to rescue me from an invisible box and took care of a human baby as though it were her very own.
It wasn't someone else! That was me, you idiot! You're the idiot! That's my whole point! That's why you're special! Oh.
I guess I am-- special, I mean, not an idiot.
Thank you, commander.
- Good night, lieutenant.
- Good night.
Harry, where've you been? Chasin' the dream, Sally.
Chasin' the dream.
Let it go, Harry.
It's over.
Oh, no.
It's not over.
It's far from over! "In an obvious and desperate attempt to cash in on mark hamill's interstellar success, a source close to Sally Solomon last night called the bugle to tell all of rutherford that Sally Solomon is in fact an alien from a distant galaxy far, far away.
" We're back on top, Sally! We're back on top! Oh, Tommy, did you show your dad what I wrote in your yearbook? ( Dick gasps ) - Tommy has a yearbook? - No.
- Yes.
- Yes.
Where is it? In the oven.
( Yelps ) Yours is slightly bigger.