3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Tricky Dick

Dick, I am telling you, you need a vest! I'm wearing a vest.
Yeah, but it's wool.
You need Kevlar.
I'm just going to the office.
The office where you work with your ex-fiancee.
You remember her-- the bitter woman who wants you dead.
Oh, that.
Oh, look, Mary's had an entire night to sleep on it.
Besides, deep down she loves me.
And I said I was sorry.
What more could she ask for? Ok.
Dick, I am practically a woman, Ok? I basically know how women feel, and she's gonna want a whole lot more than "I'm sorry.
" So you have a choice.
The vest or me.
Oh, fine.
You carry my lunchbox.
Don't bruise my banana.
Clear! You see, Sally, there's nothing to be concerned about.
You've got to get-- oh, my god! Mr.
Potato man! Who would do such a thing? Hello, Dick.
Oh, Sally.
How could you do this? I was mad at you, and I guess I took it out on a perfectly innocent plastic potato.
Be glad it wasn't your butt.
Look, why can't you just drop this? Fine.
I got engaged to you and didn't tell you I had a wife.
I said I was sorry.
It made me feel terrible, but I've stopped beating myself up about it.
Well, that makes one of you.
It's Ok, Nina.
Nothing to worry about.
I'm over it.
I'm an adult.
I'm moving on.
In fact, Sally, I'm glad you're here.
I have my yoga class tonight and Judith can't make it.
I have a groin pull.
I'd love for you to join me.
Why? Because I'm an adult, and what Dick did does not affect our friendship.
Don and I are going to the Rutherford renaissance fair tonight.
Oh, no, you're not.
You're canceling your plans and going with Mary.
There's no way I'm gonna do-- fine! Thank you.
[Blows raspberry] There, you see? I can be an adult, too.
I'm sure you can.
That's why I'm going to continue to allow you to use my office.
Your office? It's our office.
Check the door, Dick! It's my office! Always was, always will be! [Calm voice] But I say that just to let you know.
I don't stress it.
I just gloss over it.
See? Adult.
Nina, I want my name painted on this door, and I want it twice the size of hers-- 3 times the size! I'm going to be the biggest adult in this whole stupid office! Solomon! You got a guitar, right? No.
Yes, you do.
Tommy: no, not really.
You any good? Yes, you are.
We're forming a new band.
A new band? Well, what happened to state of contusion? Creative differences.
Now we're whiskey kitten.
And you're our lead guitarist.
I've always wanted to date a guy in a band.
And that's exactly why I'm joining this band.
That's the spirit, Solomon.
Rehearsal tonight.
Your place.
[Strums electric guitar] Can I be your roadie? Can I? So you want to lug around heavy equipment for us while we treat you like dirt? Yeah.
Plus I get my pick of the less attractive women.
[Jangling] [Jangling] Sally! Shall we go, milady? I'm sorry, Don, I'm running late for something! I'll call you later.
Bye-Bye! Don't forget to tell Mary that I'm roller-skating with supermodels! What the hell was that? She just made me look like a complete jackass.
Ah women.
I hear you, my friend.
A woman may say that she wants a man to be obedient and nice, but does she really want that? Yes, she does.
No, she doesn't, because then she'll just walk all over you.
Amen to that, my friend.
Women are maddening.
They pretend to be so adult, but just like that, they'll sink all the way down to your level.
Tell me, my friend, is that fair? Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
Let me ask you something, my friend.
Do you want Sally to want you more than ever? No, he doesn't.
Yes, I do.
This just isn't my day.
Then you've got to show her who's boss.
Lay down the law.
You think? I know.
Be firm, my friend.
Power! It's the only language women understand.
You show Sally who wears the pants, my friend.
That's the way.
Thank you, my friends.
You're right! I wear the pants! And inhale and exhale.
Isn't this great exercise? Yeah.
I haven't had this hard a workout since the last time I went breathing.
Well, that's it, everybody.
Thanks for coming.
Doesn't it make you feel taller? Oh, god.
I knew that dweeb was lookin' over here.
Here comes the old pickup.
Excuse me.
I hope this isn't being rude-- just get it over with.
I was just wondering, is your friend attached? Look, I'm not-- her? Mm-hmm.
Could I interest you in some coffee? Oh, no, thank you.
I'm sorry, but did you see me? Yes, yes.
And you did just fine for a beginner.
Are you sure? Oh, positive.
Well--look at me.
[Squeaky voice] Me! Dr.
Albright! Dr.
Albright! You got something from the white house! Open it! What?! Open it! "Dear Dr.
Mary Albright, "in recognition of your achievements "in the field of undergraduate education, "you are hereby invited to the president's dinner honoring academic excellence.
" Oh, my god.
"Enclosed itinerary" blah, blah, blah "cherry tree inn on the Potomac.
"Looking forward to meeting you, "sincerely, bill and Hillary rodham-- potato head.
" Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Very funny.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I just had to! Ha ha ha ha ha! This was stupid and childish.
I know.
But we're even now, right? Oh, yeah.
Live that fantasy.
Did you see the part about the cherry-- I got a work order to paint the door.
Ohh! Oh, yes.
Yeah, right here.
Right over this name.
And bigger! And bolder! So when one approaches the door, a mere glance will establish just who's who in this office.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Ooh hoo hoo hoo hoo! Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Oh, he'd be very upset.
Oh ho ho.
This says "Dick Solomon.
" He gets that a lot.
It's Dick s-a-l-m-o-N.
You know, like the big, pink, stinky fish.
[Band playing] All right, let's rock.
Drummer: Hey, hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing? Playing.
Come on, man.
We're a speed metal band.
No, we're not.
We're a def metal band.
It's not about labels, Ok? It's about the music.
About that music, um, how many songs do we have? Just the one.
We need more than one song.
This isn't about counting songs, Solomon.
This is about the music.
Well, as far as I'm concerned, it's about impressing August, and one song ain't gonna cut it.
Hey, man, if you're true to the music, women, they can sense it.
Well, if the women can count, we're screwed.
Let's rock.
One mo'! One mo'! Whooooo! Ooooohhh! One mo'! I'm sorry.
Matthew? Hey, Matthew? Matthew! Yes.
You--you look really nice today.
Is there a problem? 'Cause I'm really busy.
I think I pulled my butt muscle! Let me see if I can go run down a nurse for you.
[Door closes] Damn! Hi.
Are you from the Swedish motor place? [Spanish accent] Sí.
I am Swedish.
It's the red Volvo, um, over there.
When I change gears, it makes a grinding noise.
Is a grinding? Yes! Is a grinding.
Ah! Recognition at last.
Now all who pass through the hallowed gates of huff hall will know that this office is occupied by Dr.
Dick salmon.
Cuando el car changes las gears, uh, no es bueno.
Uh, it makes A rrrrrrrr! Rrrrrrrr! Yes.
Rrrrrrr! Rrrrrrr! What? Allow me, Mary.
Con permiso, señor.
La palanca Del carro De la señora salta cuando hace el cambio.
Oh, Sí, Sí.
Tambien, quiere Que Le instale Un equipo en stereo De doscientos matios con esos palantes gigantes en la parte De atras.
Ah! No hay problema.
Oh, great.
Ypor favor, a Los costados, pinte llamas De color naranja encendido.
Eso SERá muy Caro.
Oh, no hay problema.
Ella Esta llena De dinero.
¡Bueno, bueno! Thank you very much, Dick.
No problema.
The time has come to lay down the law.
If you're not ready to give this relationship 110% then maybe we should start seeing other people.
Don! I can't believe you're saying this.
Well, I am.
If it turns out there's somebody that we want, we should be free to just move on.
Don, it's like you can read my mind! It is? Yeah.
You see, there's this guy I met--Matthew-- and I gotta level with you.
I want him bad! You do? Well good.
No need wasting precious seconds pining over Don.
Exactly! Oh, Don, you really understand me.
I mean, you know what I need and you tell me to go for it.
It's like you're the best friend a gal like me could have.
Sally, would you do me a favor? Absolutely.
Hold on to my gun.
[Band playing loudly] [Music drowns out conversation] Get me some parsley! No.
Parsley! No, not pepper! Parsley! This is pepper! Pepper! Parsley! Turn it down! [Turns amplifier off] This rock and roll music has got to stop! Why? Because it's loud! And rhythmic! And rhythm can lead to dancing.
Rock and roll music preaches a gospel of easy sexuality and relaxed morality, and I will not endorse an enterprise which is as fraught with peril as I believe this one to be! So, you resent us for being young and living in a world full of carnal possibilities which you can't possibly enjoy.
Yes! Now knock it off! Ah, don't listen to him, boys.
I love rock and roll.
I used to be a groupie for the Kingston trio.
I'm sorry, but you're going to have to go.
I had an all-access pass.
As a matter of fact, so did they.
All right, we get it.
Solomon, come on, enough with the practical jokes.
But, Nina, there's nothing practical about this joke.
It's an utterly pointless, hurtful, and asinine waste of time.
[Giggles] You sure you don't want this furniture? Absolutely not.
As a student of the ancient Chinese art of feng shui, I can assure you that the spiritual harmony of this room was upset by having that bitch sitting there.
[Giggling] Thanks for coming over on such short notice, Don.
I knew you'd call, Sally.
It was just a matter of time.
I need you, Don.
I need you bad.
Well, you're lucky I was available.
You know, I got a lot on my plate right now.
You know, my--My lady plate.
Listen, you can do something for me that nobody else can do.
I know I can, baby.
But if you expect me to come crawling back to you now, you got another think coming.
Oh, no, I don't want that at all.
Are you sure? 'Cause I can crawl like a bat out of hell.
Oh, no.
Thanks, sweetie, but what I need from you is a background check on Matthew.
Who is he? What are his weaknesses? How can I cut him out of the herd and bring him down? Why bother when you have a sick, hobbled wildebeest right in your own front yard? [Rhythmic banging] Hey, Tommy.
How's the band? Well, uh, we've avoided the trap of over-rehearsing, which can be a problem, you know , when you've only got one song.
I wrote a song.
Did you? [Singing badly] Picture window paints my mind black horizon's valentine rock and roll, baby! Mary.
Your desk was gone when I got here.
I believe you.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! It was me! I had them take away your desk! Me! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! This has got to stop.
Oh, you just want to quit 'cause you can't win.
Oh, my poor defeated Mary.
You're just outmatched, that's all.
But it takes a big woman to admit that.
And just to show there are no hard feelings, I'm going to-- my arm is stuck.
That's strange.
So is this one.
It's almost as if there was glue on my desk.
Dick, don't be ridiculous.
It couldn't be glue.
It must be thermal bond epoxy.
No! Uhhhh! Uhh! Ohh! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Mistake.
Huge mistake.
Oh, thanks.
Oh, wait a second.
That's better.
Ohh! You came! How could I refuse? Well, what was it that convinced you? The flowers? The radio dedications? The skywriting? You hired a skywriter.
Well, he was more of a crop duster, but he wrote "Sally" over your house with diopropylene, so that explains the vomiting.
Look, I've got to tell you, I have never had a woman work so hard to get my attention.
It's flattering.
Meaningyou want to go out with me? Sure.
Yes! Ha! I got you.
You got me.
Ha! Ohh! [Laughs] Well, now what? Ok, I was thinking you could start off in jeans, but then you could change into vintage tuxedos between songs.
Between songs? We only have one song! Well, you could change during the drum solo.
The song problem is over, Tommy.
I wrote 4 new songs last night.
Excuse me, but since when are you in this band? Tommy, tell them.
Tell them what? You're not in the band.
Well, if that's how you feel, I quit the band.
Well, maybe you should rephrase that to acknowledge the fact that you were never in this pathetic, non-performing band! You know, that is it, Solomon.
Your attitude is just tearing this band apart.
You're out of the band! I never wanted to be in the band! I'm sorry, but you're gonna have to go.
What? Harry! We'll send you a t-shirt.
When I look at you, I wonder, what took me so long to-- uh-huh.
I mean, you're beautiful, you're sexy.
Uhhh! Uhhh! Ow! Yeow! Ow! Oh, Dick, I'm so embarrassed.
When we broke up, I was so mad at you, but now I've just made it worse by acting like a child.
Truce? Truce.
Now we can go back to acting like adults.
Yes, Mary.
[Whimpering] [Music booming] Mary, it appears your Volvo is back from the shop.
What?! Damn! Hee hee hee ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Women.
[High-pitched squeal] Women! You can't live with 'em, and you can't have heterosexual sex without 'em.
That's probably true.
Well, I'm outta here.
When Sally shows up with Mr.
Yoga, I'm liable to go medieval on his ass.
Bye, Don.
What can you do? You do things your way, they're not happy.
You do things their way, they're still not happy.
When are we gonna learn you can't deal with women? The female feigns weakness only to use it as a weapon.
It's like the praying mantis.
She acts so fragile and willowy, but when the male approaches, she sprays poisonous mucus from her eyelids, and he bursts into flames.
Praying mantises don't do that.
So what? The analogy stands.
You can't negotiate with them, Tommy.
You gotta give as good as you get.
Now, Mary found that out.
Oh, yeah.
The hard way.
Why are there office supplies stuck to the side of your head? That's where I keep them.
Women! Whoooo-hooo! Hey! What are you doing?! That's my dad's guitar! He's gonna kill me! I guess I'm gonna have to go.
Captioned by the national