3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick-In-Law

Uh-Huh.
Yeah.
Uh-huh.
R-really? This weekend? Well, I can't say no to you.
You're Mary's mother.
Yeah, it sounds wonderful.
No, no.
Mary didn't tell me a thing.
Didn't tell who what thing? Yeah, I've noticed that about her, too.
It's off-putting, isn't it? Who's that? It sounds terrific, Martha.
Martha.
My mother.
Yeah.
Oh, god, no! Yes, best to you, Martha.
Yeah, right, right.
I can't wait for you to meet me.
What did you just do?! You didn't tell me that I was gonna meet your parents this weekend.
You're not! Well, they said that you'd made the plans.
A--a month ago, when we were engaged.
That would be 2 weeks before you ruined everything.
Come on, Mary.
It'll be fun.
Telling my parents my engagement is off is not my idea of fun.
What, you haven't told them yet? Are you kidding? For years, they predicted I'd become an old spinster who sits alone every night drinking wine and talking to her cat.
Dr.
Albright.
Dr.
Albright, they were out of that zinfandel you like, but I did pick up your dog food.
I have one dog! Mary, please! I won't say a word about our breakup.
I can't.
I'm still in denial.
Do you think I want to spend my weekend pretending to be engaged to a lunatic rather than tell my parents the truth? I'll pick you up in the morning.
We're just pretending! If you dare to try and touch me, I will choke the life out of you.
Well, what if I bump into you accidentally? Fine.
In the shower? Be in your driveway at 8:00 tomorrow.
Tomorrow? You can't go away.
You promised you'd help me move out of my apartment.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Nina.
Oh, thanks a lot.
Now I see who's important around here.
Uh, yes, that would be me.
Ok.
Fine.
But the next time you can't separate the cheese slices in your lunchables, don't come running to me.
What have I done?! Tommy! Harry! Sally! What do you think of this jacket? Mmm, it's a little tweedy.
Whoa! But you win me over with the patches.
Oh.
I've got to make a good impression when I meet Mary's parents.
Mary Albright's parents? Tommy: they're still alive? My god, they must be so old.
Probably had her really young.
Now stop it! This is important.
I have to win their love and respect.
Why? You don't even have Mary's love and respect.
Not at the moment, but I'm hoping that if I win her parents over, she'll see me in a new light and fall in love all over again.
Dick, that's genius! I don't know.
I'd rather have a red- hot poker stuck in my eye than hang out with my girlfriend's mom and dad.
Hey, what if her parents have a red-hot poker and they surprise you by sticking it in your eye? No.
No, I'm sure they're lovely people.
After all, they mixed and poured the Dna cocktail that is Mary Albright.
Still, Dick, just to be safe, we should go with you.
Oh, no, no.
I've got a much more important assignment for you.
Cleaning up our parks and streams? No.
Nina's moving, and I volunteered you to help her.
Wait.
You mean we have to lug heavy boxes all weekend? Yes.
Well, do we get to go through her stuff? How could you not? All right, then.
Well, what do you think? Does Mary look more like me or George? Well, Martha, I did notice that you and Mary have the same patrician nose.
Whoa.
I think she does favor Martha's side of the family more than mine.
But at least she got her father's generous butt.
Mary, that eye shadow makes you look tired.
Thank you, mother.
Just trying to help.
Martha, darling, why don't you run and get the kids those sandwiches? Well, yes, of course, George.
I'll run and get the kids those sandwiches.
I keep forgetting you were paralyzed in the war.
I really should go and help her.
I wouldn't want her to slip and fall into a bottle of gin.
They're very nice.
No, they're not.
They're sour, miserable people who don't like anybody.
Oh, I should have brought flowers.
Do they like flowers? I can get flowers.
Stop worrying.
This time tomorrow, we'll be on our way home, and you'll never see them again.
I wouldn't bet on it.
What's that supposed to mean? I don't know about you, Dick, but when I eat ham, I gotta have a beer.
Oh, and when I drink beer, I gotta have ham.
Ham and beer.
That's us, George.
Are you done yet? Yep, snug as a bug.
Ok, I think I missed a spot.
Guys, could you please be careful? Yes, absolutely.
Starting now.
Nina, this place is so great.
I mean, it's so nice and clean.
Well, it's easy to keep things neat when you live alone.
The smell, it smells like [Inhales deeply] Like a mall or or the bakery or my house smells like feet or cheese or rotten food-- I--I get it.
Sally, I get it.
Oh, Martha, this is the most delicious, exquisitely flavored, palate- teasing dish I've ever tasted.
What do you call it again? Busy gal's lasagna.
I must get the recipe.
It's noodles with ketchup on 'em.
George shut up.
Don't give away her recipes, George.
Thank you, Dick.
Now, Mary, how about it? More? Uh, no, mother, I have enough.
She's on another one of those crazy crash diets, right, Dick? Well, no, I just don't think she likes your lasagna as much as I do, Martha.
Yes, I do, and I'm not on a diet.
I'm happy the way I am.
Well, there comes a point when you just have to accept what the good lord has given you.
Lord knows I have.
Come on, Dick.
I'll sweeten up your drink.
Mmm.
Right.
Right.
George, I'm right behind you.
Well, Mary your daddy and I are just tickled pink that Dick is the one.
The one what? Oh, Mary Margaret, you know very well the one what.
Mr.
Right.
The man you're going to marry.
Oh.
Yeah.
That's the plan.
I'm just ecstatic.
I don't know why you're not a little more excited.
Oh, I am, mother.
Sometimes I get so giddy I can hardly contain myself.
But you know, you can only scream so long before you black out! I'm Nina.
And I'm special because I'm moving.
I'm Sally.
I think I am so great.
Whoa, your hair looks really good today, girlfriend.
Oh, shut up.
No, it doesn't.
Let's go look at some magazine well, uh, that's all the underwear.
Let's get it down to the truck.
Ok.
God, I'm gonna miss this place.
Yeah.
Why are you moving, big-ass rats? No.
They raised the rent.
Oh.
That's too bad.
It's so big and bright.
My room only has one window, and it looks out on the slaughterhouse, and sometimes a brown mist floats in and makes my hair all greasy.
If I'd have known that, you could've moved in here with me.
Us? Roommates? Just you and me, no guys? Yeah.
But it's too late for that, I guess.
No! No, it's not.
Finally, the last box.
My back is killing me.
Oh.
Y-you gotta keep it loose.
Hey, you know what you do? You go down, you get all of Nina's stuff off the truck, and then you go back to our place, get my stuff, and bring it back here.
Boy.
You really think it'll work? Well, I'm willing to give it a shot.
Actually, my back feels fine.
Oh, get moving! Come on.
I'll tell you one thing, Dick.
This is one bar I'll never get thrown out of.
Oh, Dick, I'll show you where the linens are so you can make up the couch.
The couch? Oh, now, punkin, it's perfectly Ok with daddy and me if you and Dick share the same room.
No! No, I-it's not.
I know how uncomfortable it makes you feel.
Really? Never stopped you before.
Oh, but, mom, I-- really, princess, no, it's fine with us.
About time this house saw some action.
No, dad, really, I--I-- say no more, George! It's settled.
Mary and I will share a room.
Done deal.
Now let's go outside and smoke these things.
I've got some funny stories about Mary.
Oh ho ho ho ho ho! Me, too.
Oh, I cannot wait to move out on my own.
It's nothing personal.
It's just that you guys are really, really annoying, you know? Yeah.
Enough said.
Sally, we're all very happy for you, and I know that there are gonna be some good times, but there will also be some lonely ones, and so I want you to have my gnome.
No, Harry, you see, I'm moving to get away from your crap.
Ok! I got my gnome back.
You know, Dick would never give you permission to do this.
Yeah.
That's why I'm doing it while he's out of town.
Well, on the plus side, at least we can turn Sally's room into a storage area.
Well, wait a minute.
I don't have a room.
Or maybe a cool little music room with some black-Light posters.
Hello.
Man without a bedroom here.
You know what'd be even better? A skeeball parlor.
Skeeball? In our home? Yes! Yeah! Now here's little Mary's sixth birthday party.
Oh, you got her a pony.
No.
That's Mary.
Her uncle Neil got her a brown lederhosen.
All the way from Munich.
Germany.
Oh, little Mary's crying.
She didn't want to share a sheet cake with the other kids.
Oh, here's the big spelling bee.
Mary's word is "because.
" Watch her sweat.
[Martha laughs] George: "b" "e" "c" "a" "w"! Ah! Magpie.
Why'd you miss such an easy word? Because.
She can say it.
She just can't spell it.
You're a hoot and a half, son.
Thank you, daddy.
Dick, can I see you in the bedroom? Oh, coming, magpie.
Oh, yeah.
Wonderful.
He called me son.
My plan is working.
Your plan to piss me off? No.
My plan to win their hearts and then yours.
Oh, so by joining in my parents' psycho mind games and mocking my fat childhood, you thought I'd love you again? Psycho mind games? I--Wh-- let me tell you about my wonderful parents.
In 1961, my father had an affair with a stewardess.
Well you mean a flight attendant.
No.
A stewardess.
That despicable dog! My mother found them together, and she was so wonderful, she dumped it all on me.
Me, Dick, a little girl.
Oh, Mary, what an awful picture-- a bitter old drunk describing some tawdry affair while spoon-feeding you strained bananas as you sit in your little highchair.
Well, I was 9.
And you were still eating baby food? My poor Mary.
Oh, Dick, the whole-- the whole thing tore me apart.
I felt it was my fault.
It was their fault, Mary! I felt so alone.
You're not alone, Mary, not anymore! And to think I had my hand in that man's humidor! Ohh! Harry, you gotta help me with this one.
It's full of books and rocks and stuff.
It weighs a ton.
Step aside, junior.
Time to clean and jerk.
It was empty.
No.
I'm the strongest man in the world.
Ooh, this is going to be so much fun.
I know.
So what do you want to do tonight? Uh, I don't know.
Um, make stir-fry and rent a chick flick? Yeah, like full metal jacket.
Or boys on the side.
Right, right.
Boys on the side.
Or full metal jacket! I'll give you the secret to a great bloody Mary, Dick.
Horseradish.
It's not the horseradish, Georgie.
It's the vodka.
You know, getting this hot tub was the smartest thing I've ever done.
Oh, really? And what would the stupidest, most loathsome, and hurtful thing be? Not getting the floating thermometer.
Can I get you anything, Dick? A drink? Maybe some coffee? Tea.
Or maybe me.
Is that what the little flying strumpet said to entice you? Is one sleazy pickup line all it takes to destroy a family?! Mary! For god's sakes.
You told him? I couldn't stand it anymore.
Martha.
You told our daughter about my--my--my-- that's right! Your little fling.
You-hoo-hoo bet I told her.
So she could play the martyr for 36 years.
How do you think I felt? Alone and scared, a sheet cake her only solace.
She drove me to it, princess.
All right! Maybe I did.
But I was too fat, and I hated my body, and those damn diet pills made me crazy.
You took diet pills? Our family doctor prescribed them.
For god's sakes, it was the sixties! She went to Dr.
Powell for more than just pills.
[Gasps] Dr.
Powell?! He had hair in his ears.
She went to Dr.
Powell, who was her cousin.
He was my step-cousin! He was my golf partner! He was a man! Enough! You two lie to each other and cheat on each other, and I'm stuck in the middle.
You've made my life miserable.
Why the hell did the two of you stay married? [Through clenched teeth] To try to give you a happy home.
Oh, my god! Look at the two of you! Have you no shame? Um, Sally, I know you just got here, but you left your socks-- shh.
Honey it's shark week.
You want me to help you move that futon into your room? My room? Yeah.
The room down the hall.
Oh, no.
I like this room.
This is the living room.
Yeah, and I'm gonna live in it.
You got to pick your room, I get to pick mine.
No way.
Look, I didn't complain when you finished my milk.
Your milk? You just wrote "Sally" on my milk.
So that's how it's gonna be, huh? Well, as long as we're being honest with each other, I don't like how you leave the toilet seat down.
That's the way women use it.
Yeah, sure, Nina.
That's the way women use it.
Look, you know, being your roommate is not as much fun as it used to be.
You've only been here an hour and a half.
Yeah, and it's an hour and a half too long.
All right, this is it.
The last box of shoes.
Well load it up, boys, 'cause I'm movin' out! No.
Absolutely not! Sally, for the first time in my life-- do it, or I'll kill you.
Ok.
You know this weekend has been more cathartic for me than the entire time I spent in rehab.
Rehab? I know.
I said I was visiting your aunt Dee Dee.
Ok, Mary, everything's packed.
Chop-chop, gotta go.
Dick I think we should stay.
What? My parents and I have been talking since the little blowup in the hot tub, and I think we've made some progress.
Progress? Are they getting a divorce? Divorce? They've been married for 46 years.
Yes, but 46 horrible years.
I'm sure they've had their ups and downs, but it's only made them stronger.
That's what marriage is.
Oh, my god, they've brainwashed you.
Now you're one of them.
Dick, I want to thank you for bringing everything out in the open.
I feel like a tremendous weight's been lifted from this family.
I want to tell you two something.
There's nothing more exhilarating than honesty.
Oh! Oh! So honesty's your game, is it? Yeah, I'll give you honesty.
Your precious little Mary Margaret ragamuffin magpie has been lying to you! She didn't even want to come here because she didn't want to tell you that-- our engagement is off! We're through! But that's Ok, because I don't want to marry her anyway.
I don't want to marry anyone-- Not after meeting you.
If this marriage was a horse, you'd shoot it! Dick, we forgive you.
Forgive me? Would you like some cocoa? I don't want any cocoa.
I don't want anything.
I just want to climb into a spaceship and fly to a far-off galaxy, millions of light-years away from this twisted and sadistic human freak show! He's the one.
He's the one.
So how did the move go? Well, the first one went pretty smooth, but the second one was a bitch.
We had a good rhythm going for the third move, but the fourth and fifth moves were just hell.
Wussies.
You know, I really dodged a bullet today, Dick.
To think I was this close to moving in with Nina.
Hah.
She's not nearly sophisticated enough for me.
I dodged a bullet, too.
I thought marriage was a beautiful union of 2 souls.
It turns out it's a hot, bubbling, chlorinated sea of lies, betrayals, and addictions, and I don't want to go there.
Well, I'll go.
That sounds relaxing.
No.
From now on, we're footloose and fancy-free.
From this day forward, people will refer to me as a lifelong bachelor.
You're not gonna start wearing pastel cardigans and open up an antique store, are you? Whatever gets me the ladies.
Yeah, Dick, you'll do great.
Captioned by the national George, there's something I have to tell you.
I'm listening.
You're not Mary's father.
I've suspected that for a long time, Martha.
Does she know? Oh, don't be silly.
Of course not.
Good.
Next time they visit.