3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Scaredy Dick

Dr.
Solomon, the Dean's office called.
They say you never had your physical.
How can they say that? So you did take your physical? I did nothing of the sort.
Everyone who works here has to take one.
Oh.
I've scheduled you with Dr.
Howard for this afternoon.
Oh, well, Dr.
Howard is in for a treat.
I am a masterpiece, a perfect human being.
Not a strand of Dna out of place.
He'll probably want my organs to put on display.
Yeah, the sooner the better.
Oh, yeah.
[Elevator music playing] Oh, nice place.
It's, uh a bit sterile.
And you could use a touch of potpourri to mask this somewhat disturbing smell.
But it's nice and bright, in a glaring, fluorescent sort of way.
Have a seat.
Crunchy.
Now you can go ahead and disrobe.
Righto.
I'll just be naked here in this cold room with these strange machines gleaming instruments whose function I can only imagine.
Aah! Now, now.
Nothing to worry about.
Aah! Aah! Will somebody make that music stop! Dick, I'll be with you in a minute.
The hell you will! Halloween is such a rip! There's no big meal, you don't get the day off, and on top of that, it's meaningless.
Actually, Sally, uh, Halloween is revered as the day when the graves yawn and the dead rise.
Plus you get to stick candy corns up your nose.
The most ridiculous thing happened today.
Whoa! Get ready for the zinger.
I had to take a physical.
Ah ha ha! That's not the least bit funny.
But when I got to the doctor's, for some reason I got scared, and I had to leave.
Well, what do you have to be scared of? [Whispering] These bodies, they're human.
They can't tell you're an alien.
Yeah, I mean, besides, you've already been to the doctor for your foot.
But that was to fix something.
Now he's just going in looking for trouble.
So, Dick, did you go to the doctor? If you're asking me if I went to the doctor, yes, I went to the doctor.
What'd he say? Oh, the usual.
"Hi.
How are you?" "Where are you going? Come back!" You're just being silly.
You're just like my cousin Paul.
He avoided going to the doctor, kept putting it off and putting it off until one day he just dropped dead.
So he never had to go to the doctor? Oh, hey, Dick, you forgot your lunch.
Oh, thank you, Sally.
Where is it? I forgot it.
Sally, I'm glad you're here.
I have to go to a Halloween party tonight.
I was wondering if you could house-sit for me.
I'd hate for no one to be there to give those cute little kids candy.
Why? Because, otherwise, the little brats egg your house and cover your trees with toilet paper.
Sure, Albright.
A beautiful woman like me has no plans on Halloween.
I'm so sorry.
What was I thinking? No, I mean it.
I actually have nothing to do.
Oh, thank you so much.
Dr.
Solomon, if you don't get your physical, they're gonna hold your paychecks until you do.
Oh, oh, Nina.
Of course, I'll go.
I'm looking forward to it.
That's better.
Come with me, Nina.
Please! I can't face the doctor alone.
What are you afraid of? Oh, I don't know.
Ever since I went there, I'm scared of everything.
Come with me, please! Me? Why don't you ask Dr.
Albright? Mary? Seeing me naked and vulnerable, quivering with fear? Oh, ho, I wouldn't give her the satisfaction.
Well, why do I have to get the satisfaction? Nina, could you tie my gown? Did you turn it around yet? Yes.
Dick, good to have you back.
How are you doing? Fine, doctor.
I feel fine.
My pulse is normal, blood pressure's fine.
Looks like I'm good to go.
Thank you, doctor.
If you don't mind, Dick, I'd like to take a look myself.
Now why don't you just open your mouth.
Mm-mmm.
Come on now, honey.
Open up for the nice doctor.
Dick, I can't help you if you don't cooperate.
I don't know what you mean.
I'm here.
I'm disrobed.
I've done everything you could reasonably expect.
Now it's time for me to go.
Good-bye.
Dick, your clothes! Oh, keep 'em! No poison in that one.
More raisins than I care for, but there's no crime in that.
Who's that supposed to be? Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.
I think the guy at the store made a mistake.
All right, come on, guys, lock and load.
We're going to Albright's.
Why? What for? It's Halloween, Harry.
And every little brat in Rutherford is hopped up higher than a kite on m&Ms.
And from what I hear, Albright's house is ground zero for destruction.
Oh, no, that sounds too dangerous.
You can count me out.
Good.
Stay here, Harry.
Alone.
All alone.
I don't care.
On Halloween.
Fright night.
When the dead become living and the living become dead! I don't care.
Hi, hi, hi.
Trick or treat.
Ohhh, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.
Lovely costumes.
Very nice.
Thanks, dubie.
Oh, Harry, you're an alien.
I am not! I meanyes.
All right, come on, Tommy.
Let's get out of here.
Happy Halloween.
Sally: yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, fudge.
My lighter went down the air vent.
Oh, hey.
Here, I got some matches.
Oh, that would get me through this pack, but what am I gonna do for the rest of the night? Oh, chain smoke.
Yeah.
Oh, Dorothy.
You look great.
Oh, I wanted to come as a flying monkey, but I shaved my legs, and the whole look fell apart.
You're a riot, little darling.
Arrr, maties.
Heave to whilst I hoist me jolly roger.
Dick, you're a pirate.
Oh, thanks a lot.
What? You didn't have to tell everybody.
Who are you supposed to be? I'll give you a hint.
Dick, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
Of course.
Nancy kassebaum.
Former republican senator from Kansas.
Care for some spinach, cap'n? Oh, sure.
I don't really have any spinach.
Well, then why did you get my hopes up? Have you seen Dr.
Albright? Well, what is she dressed like? Uh, Nancy kassebaum, the former republican senator from Kansas.
Uh, we haven't seen her.
Yeah, I would have noticed that.
Oh, there she is.
She's mingling with a skeleton.
Arrr, look who thinks he's scary.
Well, I be not a-feared of ye, you bag of bones.
Now unhand me former wench.
Hello, Dick.
Dr.
Howard? Shiver me timbers.
So, Dick.
Where are your buccaneers? Under my buccan-hat.
Dick, I heard you ran out of Dr.
Howard's office today.
That's not true.
It's my word against his.
Ahem.
It's Nina's and my word against his.
Oh, give it up.
Oh, fine.
I left your office.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
But it wasn't out of fear, no.
It was out of protest.
Oh, this should be good.
You doctors.
Your A.
M.
A.
s and your H.
M.
O.
s.
People treat you like gods.
But you're just a bunch of mountebanks and charlatans, with your "vaccines" and your "penicillins.
" Oh, sure, people are healthier now than ever, but at what cost? Well, I'll have none of it.
Good night, good doctor.
Good night.
Oh, no.
Oh, no! [Howling] Aah! Look out, Linus.
The great pumpkin's right behind you.
Oh, no, no.
I can't take this.
This is too scary for me.
[Wailing] Wait a second.
If that's not coming from the Tv, that can mean only one thing.
No harm in watching a little Tv.
Ok, the way I see it, you put all the candy in the bowl you put the bowl out the door and you're through for the night.
What do you think of that, Tommy? Yeah, I like it, considering I just suggested it a minute ago.
Don't sass me, private.
[Doorbell rings] Trick or treat.
Oh, it's self-serve, honey.
[Doorbell rings] What? Trick or treat.
I just told-- hey, what happened to all the candy? The pope took it.
Nice plan, Tommy.
Don't you have anything else? Uh, yeah.
Give me a second.
So, uh how are things? Uh, pretty good.
All right.
Uh, here you go.
What is it? Half pound of hamburger meat.
Enjoy! Trick or treat.
Don't bother.
Alls they got left is beef.
Ugh! Hey! That better not have been the pope! That's it! You're toast, pontiff.
Oh, Dick! I'm so glad you're home.
Oh, yes, home.
Where I should have stayed in the first place.
No, Dick.
It's worse here.
Impossible, Harry.
Out there is a room full of people who are all laughing at me.
But inside it's all safe and warm and filled with-- [Wailing] Ghosts.
Did I say ghosts? I'm afraid so.
I'm afraid, too.
[Sobs] Hold me.
[Wailing] Oh, Harry.
We're acting silly.
How can we be sure we have a ghost? [Wailing] I'm sold.
Why does this always happen to us? No, in--in all fairness, Dick, this is our first ghost.
That's true.
We've been very fortunate.
Yes, we have.
[Creaking] Harry, do you hear that? Yeah, it sounds like footsteps.
They're coming closer and closer.
Voice: yoo-hoo.
Aah! Aah! Dick? So what do you think, Harry? Yeah.
Dick? Oh, well, hello, Mary.
What's going on? Why did you leave the party like that? I didn't mean to worry you.
You didn't worry me.
You took my car.
Where are my keys? Oh, I'm sorry about your car, Mary, but there are more important things to worry about.
We have a ghost! Oh, you're being silly.
There's no such thing as ghosts.
Oh, no? Oh, no? Yes! If you want to be scared of something, be scared of what a coward you've become.
[Door slams] And stay out! Now who's a coward? Oh, yeah.
I've seen these before.
Jumbo grade "a," extra large, farm fresh.
It doesn't have the street value of the organic brown, but it'll do.
You've got the wrong guy, lady.
Can I make a phone call? Shut up! Listen, kid, we can do this one of two ways.
Either you can tell us what we want to know, or you can spend the rest of the night picking shell out of your teeth.
Who you workin' for, punk? I don't know what you're talking about.
Ok.
Let's start over.
No, I'm going to take this egg and grind it into his face.
Lieutenant, you're out of line.
Now go cool off.
Ok, I'm good.
I'm cool.
I apologize for my partner.
She doesn't have much patience.
Now, me, I want to help you.
And I can talk her into going easy on you if you just tell me one thing.
Who's the pope?! I don't know the pope.
Maybe I could have seen him at school or something.
Well, that's too bad, kid.
Now you've insulted me.
I'm going for a walk.
Sally? He's all yours.
Kid, right now I wouldn't trade places with you for the world.
So how do you like your eggs? Well, Harry, we haven't heard from the ghost in quite a while now, so I guess it's safe to say that it's vacated the premises.
I agree.
Oh, Dick? Hmm-mmm.
Is that a ghost coming through the vent? Yep.
Meet you in the living room? Ok.
Aah! Aah! Aah! Who you gonna call, Dick? Ghostbusters.
Are you crazy? It's their busiest night of the year.
Give me your flashlight.
Ok, here's the deal.
The ghost gets the basement, the apartment, and the rambler, and we keep the closet.
That seems fair.
We can spruce up the place with some yellow slickers.
I don't know what's the matter with me.
I want to be brave but I'm too afraid.
Dick, in order to be brave, you must first start by being afraid.
For true courage lies in the overcoming of fear, not in its absence.
That's brilliant, Harry.
Who said that? Blue power ranger.
Oh.
The grocery store had 4 dozen left.
I bought 'em all.
[Gasps] Free range.
All right.
All right.
I can't take it anymore.
I'll tell you everything.
Who's the pope? The pope is wally Taylor.
He lives at 215 west division street.
How do we know you're telling the truth? I got no reason to lie.
Anybody who'd rat out his friends makes me sick.
Get out of here.
Run, lady! They're crazy.
What did you do to the Bernstein boy? We worked him over.
He gave it up.
The perp is wally Taylor.
All right.
Come on, Tommy.
We're through here.
Uh, there are no eggs on the outside of my house.
They're all in here.
Thank you so much.
Ah, don't thank us.
Just doing our job, ma'am.
Aah! Duck! What? Oh, my god! So it wasn't the pope.
It was batman all along.
Casper, the friendly ghost [Wailing] The unfriendliest ghost I know no, come on, Harry.
Keep going.
Yeah, more like keep going to the bathroom.
Being scared is pointless.
It's just biochemical fuzz in the lint trap of your mind.
Whoa! You've been bobbing for some funky apples, man.
Harry, I've let fear run my life long enough.
I'm not going to live this way any longer.
Intelligent people don't believe in ghosts.
Yeah, they don't believe in aliens either.
Oh, shut up.
[Wailing] It's coming from behind those boxes.
Give me a hand, Harry.
No.
Absolutely not.
If the ghost wants to scare us to death, he can just move his own boxes.
Will you just do it, Harry? Did you bring the holy water? No.
Well, what's that? Sanka.
Is it holy? Well, I don't know.
But it's definitely decaffeinated.
This is the high commander.
By the power vested in me by the maxwell house corporation, I command that you depart from this world and return to your source.
[Dick and Harry screaming] Aah! Aah! Aah! It's the ghost of Mrs.
Dubcek.
Where have you been? I've been down here screaming for hours.
What are you doing down here? My lighter went down your vent, I went to look for it in the crawlspace, and I got stuck.
Oh.
Oh.
Well, what about the smoke and the electricity going out? I couldn't find my darn lighter, so I had to short out a 220 line to light my cigarette.
That reminds me.
I need a cigarette.
Harry? Harry, look at me.
I'm not afraid anymore.
It's great.
I feel I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.
Anything, Harry.
Anything.
Wow, Dick! You've just defeated your own fears.
What are you gonna do now? I'm going for a routine checkup.
I really don't know what I was so scared about, Dr.
Howard.
The blood pressure test was a piece of cake.
My urine sample was plentiful, to say the least.
You know, it's amazing.
Once you bring your fears out into the light, you see there's really nothing to be afraid of.
Good to hear it, Dick.
[Glove snaps] You know, in a way, every day is Halloween for us.
You mean because we hide behind these bodies, pretending to be something we're not? Uh, yeah.
So, Tommy, what's with the mustache? Well, guys, I've made a little decision.
The mustache stays.
Oh, that's muy macho.
You know what I've learned this Halloween? That you should always be brave enough to face your fears.
Because when you do, it's only Mrs.
Dubcek stuck behind a wall.
Always? Always.
Ok, so I know it was Dubcek who was screaming, but did you ever figure out who was rattling those chains? Oh, yes.
That's the ghost of Mr.
Ferguson.
Dubcek says he was brutally murdered in our apartment this very night.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Captioned by the national [Humming] [Singing softly] There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby if happy little bluebirds fly [Singing louder] Beyond the rainbow why, oh, why can't I?