3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Moby Dick

Hey.
Where are all the marshmallow bits? They just poured out that way.
Hey, you guys.
Look.
Dubcek gave me a tomato plant.
I'm gonna feed it, and in a couple of weeks, we'll have fresh, plump, juicy tomatoes.
Silly Sally.
You can go down to the corner and get fresh tomatoes from Mr.
Lee, and you don't have to feed him Nothin'.
He hates it when you even try.
Dick: Sally! Look at this! You shrunk my favorite pants! No, I didn't.
Then give me one other logical explanation why they don't fit anymore.
I don't know.
Maybe-- hush! Hush! [Ice-cream truck music playing] Listen! Mr.
Frosty smooth! Oh, he's early today.
Mr.
Frosty smooth! Mr.
Frosty smooth! Good morning, Nina.
[Coolly] Mary.
[Icily] Morning.
I, uhlike your belt, Dr.
Solomon.
This isn't a belt, Nina.
It's a tie.
I think somebody's getting a spare tire.
Forget it, Mary.
It's a little late to try to buy my affection with gifts.
I meant you've gained weight.
Why should I be concerned about gaining weight? My body is just the vehicle that carries my brain around, and my brain deserves a smooth, luxurious ride.
Ok, Dick.
Get fat.
I don't care.
Well, I don't care if you do care.
As if I cared that you didn't care that I cared.
As if I cared that you do care if I care or not.
I couldn't care less if you care that I care! Well, now, that was uncalled for! Peanut brittle? You know, Dr.
Solomon, sometimes when there are changes in your life, you use eating as a way of filling that void.
Changes? Well, nothing has changed in my life.
Well, except for the fact that Mary and I are no longer romping lustfully in pastures of delight, our writhing bodies eternally entwined, glistening like the morning dew.
Bingo.
[Mouth full] Oh, poppycock! You don't see Mary gaining weight, and she's lost a lot more than I have! She lost me! Did you hear about that guy who cut off his finger in shop class and then sewed it back on in home Ec? That's just an urban myth.
Oh, did you want to see thunder train? It's playing at 6:00.
I already saw it.
When did you see it? Just the other night.
You know by myself.
You never go to the movies by yourself.
Wellyeah, but Wendy really wanted to see it.
Wait, wait.
Wait.
You saw it alone with Wendy? Well, I couldn't very well have been alone if I saw it with Wendy now, could I? Aah! Why are you so jumpy? Oh! I'm smack dab in the middle of dying is deadly.
Number 14 in the Anson nembrook detective series.
Oh, it's a gripper.
I think August is cheating on me.
Why? Did she take out a big insurance policy on you and then have her lover cut your brake lines? I don't know what to do.
Well, don't ask me.
I'm 3 days away from retirement.
I gotta know.
Ok! You talked me into it.
I'll tail her for ya.
I could do that.
Oh, yeah, but she knows you.
She knows you, too.
Well, yeah, but not intimately.
Me, neither.
Really? Well, then why do you care? Ohh! Well, that looks pretty crappy.
I don't understand.
I did everything I'm supposed to do.
It's just not working.
Martha Stewart says it helps if you talk to your plants.
Oh, yeah? Mmm.
Hi.
I'm Sally.
Dick: Sally! [Panting] Sally, do I look fat? You want the truth? No.
You look great.
You don't mean that.
Ok.
Well, thanks a lot! Oh, Dick, just be thankful you're a man.
You know, I mean, you guys can get away with it.
You don't know what you're talking about.
Oh, don't I? You know, the only time a woman is allowed to get fat is when she's pregnant, but she can't even enjoy it because she's barfing all the time and her boobs are turning into a restaurant.
But men can balloon up to the size of a Volkswagen and still get dates.
Well, that's great! Oh, not you, Dick.
You're sloppy fat.
Oh, all right, fine.
So what if I have put on a little weight? Big deal.
I can lose it.
I'm the high commander of this body.
I'll just order it to stop eating.
No, Dick.
It's an earth body , Ok? It won't listen to you.
First thing we need is a strategy.
Look what I was reading earlier today.
"Farmer loses leg in wood chipper"? Well, that's gotta be No.
Not that.
This.
"Suzanne somers reveals her secret summer slimming tips.
" I want to know! So, um how's your diet going, Dr.
Solomon? Oh, it's not just a diet, Nina.
It's a complete lifestyle change.
Sally just signed me up for a step class.
I'm drinking 8 16-ounce glasses of water a day, and I can eat all the grapefruit I like.
I suppose you have to diet when you don't have the willpower to simply eat right.
Mmm.
You wouldn't believe how delicious this grapefruit is.
Mary: mmm.
Would either of you like a taste? No, thanks.
That's all right.
Can I taste yours? You know, Dick, if you're too weak to be in the same room with pizza , Nina and I can go in her office.
Oh, no, no, no.
That--that's not necessary.
I'll give you a whole grapefruit for just one pepperoni! Let's go.
No! Uhuh how about 2? 2 grapefruits! And my watch! Hey, you thirsty? Oh, I know you.
You wouldn't say anything if you were.
That's what I like about you, you know.
You're not rude or demanding like most people I know.
You must be bored out of your mind.
No.
Not at all.
I was talking to the plant.
Well, Tommy, I've got the evidence right here.
Whup! But I have to warn you, kid.
You might not like what you see.
[Gasps] Harry all these pictures are overexposed! Well, I told you you wouldn't like it.
What was she doing? "3:35.
"Spot August talking to friends.
"3:42.
August gets on bicycle.
"Pursue on foot.
over garbage can.
" "3:46.
Follow August to the library, "where she studies alone until it closes "at 3:46.
"I then follow her home, "where she arrives at exactly Harry, what time is it? Where does the day go? Woman: and up! And step! And up! And step! And up! And step! Eye of the tiger, Dick! If I can do it, you can do it! Woman: and step! And up! And step! And down! Up and step and up and step! [Plop] That's as far as it'll go.
Oh, fiddle-Dee-Dee.
I've gotta get back down to a 32 waist.
Ok! On the count of 3, deep breath.
What are you doing? I'm becoming thin again.
Sally! I thought you were gonna exercise.
Sally! Help Harry! What?! What is that? It's called "the shatner.
" Now, now, go on, pull.
Tommy! Tommy! Pull.
Pull.
Thank you, lieutenant.
Oh--what--no.
Dick.
Dick.
Dick! Dr.
Solomon! You look great! Thank you, Nina.
I feel great.
You dropped your calculator.
No.
That's where I keep it.
Here.
Let me get that for you.
Thank you.
[Rip] What was that? Mary: Dick? Excuse me.
Are you all right? All right? I couldn't be better.
[Hissing] Harry: ooh! Oh! Harry? I'm not Harry.
Umwhat are you doing with the camera? What camera? Put down the ribs and step away from the platter.
No.
Ok, then.
But make no mistake-- if you take one bite out of that, you're gonna hate yourself more than you already do.
Are you prepared to face those consequences, soldier?! Urrhh! You're pathetic.
Oh, I know! You know, Nina was right.
I do have a gaping hole inside of me, but it's not my fault! It's this body! It has a stupid design flaw.
It thinks it can fill an emotional void with food! God.
Come on, Jeremy.
You named it Jeremy? I was gonna call him lycopersicon esculentum, but it sounded kinda snotty.
Come on, Harry.
I see.
So suddenly it's a crime for a grown man to hang around the high school taking pictures of the young girls.
Whatcha eatin' there, Dick? Ribs.
Fat-free ribs? Oh, shut up! My diet is dead.
Oh.
Diet, huh? Must be rough.
Lucky for me, I was blessed with a high metabolism.
Thanks for the ride, Don.
Hold it there, Harry.
I can only release you into the custody of a family member.
Well, I'm right here.
Not you.
Where's Sally? She's in the other room.
Is she alone? Well, she's with Jeremy.
Jeremy.
Well, it's like she's obsessed.
You got any more hot sauce? Can I have a rib? No! No! Dr.
Solomon-- not now.
I'm working.
Oh, my god! What is all this stuff? It's not mine! Oh! It's those damned raccoons! They have little hands, you know.
You're really worrying me.
Oh, I don't know what you're talking about.
Look at yourself.
No! Look at yourself.
Who am I kidding? I'm huge! Oh, Nina! I'm doomed-- doomed to a life of forlorn pudgery.
I'm gonna be referred to as "husky" and "jolly.
" People will nickname me "tiny," and they'll laugh and throw rotten fruit at my rear as I pass them in the streets! Nobody does that.
Well, I do.
Oh, Nina, I need help! Good.
Dr, Solomon, admitting you need help is half the battle.
The other half wouldn't happen to be a cherry cheesecake, would it? You know where you stand.
Huh.
Well, it should be.
Tommy! This time I've got good news.
What is it? August is cheating on you.
Darrin laskey.
Yeah.
Harry, how is this good news? Oh, well, look how happy he is.
What's that, Dick? Nina says I need more structure and support, so I--I joined a weight-loss program-- fat-losers.
"The fat-losers Well, now we're talking! But it looks so hard! Oh, quit being a baby.
This is exactly what you need, Dick, some discipline.
Ok.
Let's-- let's, uh, start with the bread group.
Ok.
Ha.
You can have half a reduced-calorie bagel, or you can exchange it for Ah.
Tonight you will be having the lo-cal symphony salad.
All right.
Here, give me your tomato.
What, my--my tomato? Umuh, maybe we're rushing things here, Dick.
I mean, look, we're racing through a whole world of cottage cheese options.
No.
I've made my decision.
Now give me your tomato! No! Don't make me do this, Dick! I'll take that one.
Jeremy?! Yes, and those 2 little cowards hiding behind him.
Aaahhh! Hi.
A new face.
Have you weighed in yet? Uh, yes.
That fat-loser over there helped me.
That's Lilly.
She's been a fat-Loser for over 9 years.
Well, I see you have your water bottle and your menu planner.
Here's a food scale.
Oh.
It's official.
I'm a fat-loser.
Congratulations.
Ok, could everybody please take a seat? I've got a lot of good news here today, people.
Joe McBRIDE, And he spent the weekend in new Orleans! God, I love that crawfish.
Stephanie Hayes, Yeah, you heard me.
Now, here's someone who is finally holding her ground.
No loss, but no gain-- Mary Albright.
Mary? Dick! Why didn't you tell me you'd been coming here? It's none of your business.
But it's your business to stand by and watch me suffer alone while you secretly find help in the pillowy bosom of this support group! Let's hear from our newest fat-loser.
Hello.
My name is Dick, and I'm a fat-loser.
Sit down! No.
I have a lot to say.
But I don't want to bore you all with why I'm here.
I want to tell you why Mary Albright is here.
Dick! You see, we were lovers once, but that's all over now.
And she pretends that she's Ok with it, but she's not.
And so she's been trying to replace me with other men.
Men like Oscar Meyer Ben & jerry and the Pillsbury doughboy! Dick, please.
August.
Are you cheating on me? What? Harry saw you kissing Darrin laskey.
Darrin laskey.
He's in my drama class.
We were doing a scene together.
A scene? Oh.
Oh, my god.
I must look like such an idiot.
You were doing a scene? What a fool I am.
That Harry, he's-- hey, August.
And Kevin Douglas.
You must be in drama class, too.
So you're quite a little actress there, August.
So you two are just rehearsing away.
It's very convincing.
I'd--I'd pay to see something like this.
So, now, tell me, Kevin, so you're, uhyou're, uh you'rekissing your new girlfriend, aren't you? Can you give me a minute? Right.
August, how could you do this to me? Me do this to you? What kind of a boyfriend are you? You--you lust after our music teacher.
You flirt with that sleazy Lorna.
Ok, but in all fairness, they both totally blew me off.
Mary.
Don't talk to me.
You lost the right to embarrass me in public when we stopped dating.
I forgive you, Mary.
You're forgiving me? For what? For how you deceived me how you led me to believe you were unaffected by our breakup, when in fact, you were a hungry, frightened little ballerina careening out of control at 80 miles an hour.
For your information, my eating had nothing to do with you.
That's what you'd like me to think, isn't it? I don't care what you think.
You do, too.
I do not.
Do, too.
Do not.
Too! Not! Why don't you just admit that you've been eating because you missed me? Why don't you just admit that you've been eating because you missed me?! Because I don't miss you! Well, I don't miss you, either! Are you as hungry as I am? More.
Oh! Hello, Sally.
Hello, Don.
How are things going withJeremy? Jeremy's dead! That's terrible! I'm so sorry.
Oh! My pants fit! I won the war! That's great, Dick.
You lost weight? Even better.
I bought bigger pants.
Good thinking, tiny.
Why are you eating like that? [Mumbling] I'm sorry to hear it.
Well, Dick, your salad's ready.
I hope you like it.
Salad? Little guys never knew what hit 'em.
Who wants salad? I want some real food! I cannot believe how insensitive you Ar-- shh! Listen! [Ice-cream truck music playing] Mr.
Frosty smooth! Mr.
Frosty smooth! He's right on time! Captioned by the national Harry: it was the end of a long day, and all I wanted to do was sit back, have a drink, and think about love's fury.
I knew the dame was trouble the minute she walked in the door.
Did you drink all the milk again, you idiot?! Go back to bed! My gut told me things were about to go from bad to worse.
I hate it when I'm right.