3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Eleven Angry Men and One Dick

[Ring] Hello.
Uh, no, you have the wrong number.
I'm going to transfer you.
But if I lose you, try again.
Nina, how many students have signed up for my demonstration? None.
None?! Oh, wait.
None.
What's your demonstration about? Oh, it's a little experiment I do every year.
A few students communicate without words for an entire week, and the rest of the class learns what life in a society without language was like.
You mean like that's good fun.
No one wants to do it? I know.
You'd think kids would be lined up for $10 a day.
You don't have to be sarcastic.
I'd have 50 students lined up if it wasn't for that damn financial aid.
Dick, something big has happened.
It's big, I tell ya.
Big, I say.
"You have been summoned to serve as a juror "in Ohio state court, Rutherford, Ohio.
Such service is a privilege and a duty--" oh, jury duty? Throw it out.
And if they call you on it, tell them it was lost in the mail.
That is why the judicial system is in such a shambles.
It's people like you who are too apathetic to show up.
You threw yours out last year.
Well, yeah, I'm not about to serve on a jury in the summertime.
Well, winter, spring, summer, or fall, all they have to do is call and I'll be there.
Yes, I will.
Well, what a huge honor.
A tremendous opportunity.
Well, thank you, boys.
No.
No, not you, Dick.
Albright's offering 10 bucks a day for people not to talk.
Are you interested? Are you kidding? That's double what Sally pays.
Ohh! Hi.
[English accent] Hi.
What are you writing? My thoughts how nobody understands me, how utterly alone I am, and how much it hurts me that I don't care.
Oh, my god! That's exactly how I feel.
I--I'm Sally.
I'm Seth.
Sally would you buy me a scone? [English accent] I know, Seth.
I hate that, too.
[Coughing] Sally, thank god you're alive.
What? Uh, a tanker full of milk jackknifed on the interstate.
I thought you might be in it.
No, Don, I'm fine.
I've been here all day practicing my smoking and my accent.
Well, this trip was unnecessary.
You want to check out the wreck? I'm a cop.
I can get us real close.
Oh, no, thanks, Don.
You don't want to see a wreck? Are you feeling all right? I'm fine.
I just got to go meet this guy Seth.
You know, you would really like him.
Seth? I picked him up at the coffee shop.
He talks kind of funny, but he is dreamy.
He's an artist, but he's tortured.
Tortured, huh? There's a lot of that going around.
He's so wonderful.
You know, I have never felt this depressed before.
I'm really happy for you.
Oh, look at him.
How much more guilty can you get? I mean, he's got a gun.
That's the bailiff.
Oh.
Oh.
Well.
What about him? His expensive suit, clutching a briefcase-- he's a lawyer.
Oh.
Well, his turn will come.
I've been sitting in there for 2 hours.
You'd think they'd at least put out a buffet.
Yeah, I lost 75 cents in that thing.
Nutzit? Cool ranch? Barbecue.
No, thanks.
Maybe just one.
All right, everybody, listen up.
We're about to start the jury selection process.
The first case on the docket is a petty theft.
Mmmno.
I'm looking for something a little more meaty, international software piracy, perhaps, or maybe a triple homicide.
Ok.
Just let the judge know when you find something that tickles you.
Oh, will do.
Oh, and, hey thanks.
Harry and Tommy Solomon will demonstrate how pre- verbal societies functioned.
For the next 5 days, they will function without words.
Let us begin.
That means I'm hungry.
That's good, but no talking.
Oh! [No audio] You can't do that, either.
Oh, not that, either? Ok, no mouthing.
Oh, sorry.
All right, we got it.
Yeah, it's tough at first.
Ok, yes.
All right.
Oh, um, oh, uh McHALE'S navy.
Yes! This is great.
He got it.
People, what you see here today is real.
It is not a setup.
One more word out of you and you're not getting paid! You know, I have never met anyone like you, Seth.
Most guys I meet have goals and careers.
Not you.
You're an artist.
Artist?! How can I paint when seagulls are choking on plastic can holders? Ok, let's go down to the lake, grab a 6-pack of 'em, and set 'em free.
What's the point? It's not going to buy a little kid in Appalachia his asthma medicine.
We could organize a walkathon and get that kid some dough! Sally, I have a play to write, and an artist lives only for his art.
And he only wears black, ' cause it goes with everything.
And nothing.
Wow.
Lawyer: sir, have you ever been in an automobile collision? Uh, no.
But I am a college physics professor, so no matter how sophisticated the analysis gets, uh, I'll follow it.
Thank you.
You're excused.
Excused to prepare for the case? No, excused to go sit in the lobby and wait for the next case.
Excuse me? You're excused.
But I'm a professor.
That guy doesn't even have any teeth.
Sir, do you believe everything you read in the newspapers? No, of course not.
Thank you.
You're excused.
Do you believe everything you read in the newspaper? Yes.
Every last word.
The newspaper is my bible.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're excused.
Ok, now it's personal.
This case involves big-Rig trucks.
Do you have any feelings on big rigs? Yes, of course.
I think anyone who drives one is guilty, right? Thank you.
You're excused.
Guilty of bringing the world joy! I love big rigs! Do you believe everything you read in the newspaper? Yes! No! I don't know! I don't know what to believe anymore.
You tell me what to believe and I'll do it.
He's good with me.
Me, too.
Ok, Mr.
Solomon, you're seated on the case, the state vs.
Chris foster.
I'm in? I'm in? I made the cut! I'm on a jury! Fine.
Fine.
Report here tomorrow at 8 A.
M.
In the morning?! Court is now in session, judge Harold debelko presiding in the case the state vs.
Chris foster.
All rise! So what did this Chris foster do? Telemarketing fraud.
Well, how will they prove-- shh! We're not supposed to talk.
[Thinking] Chris foster, snake oil salesman with the salad oil hair, an armani-clad, private-jet-piloting huckster who gets his kicks flying mom and pop into the poorhouse.
Well, fasten your seat belt, foster, I'm bringing you down.
Deplane.
It's judgment day.
Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, and the defendant will rise.
[Thinking] That's right.
Show your ugly face, you fiend.
Your honor.
Oh, my god! It's that nice man from the vending machine.
once again, one not guilty.
Not guilty it is.
What are you talking about? Look, foster said he wasn't guilty.
Are you calling him-- and his attorney-- a liar? Yes! Now, look, let's just slow down a minute, can we? I think we need to consider the consequences of what we're doing here.
Can you live with sending this man to jail considering the indisputable fact that Chris foster is so pudgy and cute? How pudgy and cute the defendant is has no bearing on this case.
Look, this morning, no one was thirstier for vengeance than I was.
But now it's not just a crime , it's a face, it's a person.
And he was sitting right next to us.
He's gonna know we did it.
Look, our job isn't to send him to prison.
It's simply to decide between guilt and innocence based on the facts.
And there are phone records, canceled checks, and 8 witnesses all saying foster did it! Well, if he stole this money, what did he do with it? He supported a mistress and her child.
We heard that testimony.
Listen to you.
In an age when a man can't even support his family, this man supported 2.
Send him to jail? Let's send him to congress.
Thanks, Jeff.
Hey.
Do I, uh, know--jeez! Sally! My god, what have you done? Seth has convinced me to reject the media's definition of what a woman is.
From now on, you'll never see me in tight jeans or a push-up bra or thong underwear.
In fact, I'm done with underwear for good.
Hmm.
Why? Seth helped me see who I really am.
[English accent] I'm a different person now.
You're talking crazy.
You don't paint a mustache on the Mona Lisa.
You don't eat steak on thanksgiving.
And you don't muck around with Sally.
Officer, why is there a boot on my car? Some guys get a pretty lady.
Some guys get the boot.
Life ain't fair.
one pizza.
What? I'm in the mood for pizza.
Fine! Let's have pizza.
Aha! If you could have pizza, couldn't you vote innocent? No! Maybe you'll all change your tune when you hear about a little thing called reasonable doubt.
What's the point? The point is, it's reasonable to assume that foster used the money to pay for his sick daughter's life-threatening operation.
No, it's not.
He doesn't have a daughter.
It's not a reasonable doubt if you just make things up.
Oh, so it's truth you want? Yes.
You want the truth? You want the truth? Well, I can't handle the truth! All right, since you haven't reached a verdict, the judge has ordered you all to spend the night sequestered at Gary's motor lodge.
[All groan] Oh, good! We can use the time to get to know each other.
[All groan] [Telephone rings] Hello? Pssst! [Coughing] Sally, I was surprised to hear from you.
[English accent] I want to know what's goin' on? Seth's got a lot of parkin' tickets.
Tell the man to chill.
I see.
Well, you know what, Sally? This man is "the man.
" You the man? I the man.
Well, why are you doin' it? Because, Sally, he, uh, he parks his car slightly askew.
Sometimes it's just weird- looking the way he parks it.
And that's a crime? According to the letter of the law, it's not technically a crime, per Se.
But it's a big faux pas.
Oh! Thank god you're here! I need your help.
[English accent] Dick, trial over? Eliza? No.
It's Sally.
Oh.
Oh, no, the trial's not over.
We've been sequestered at Gary's motor lodge.
I'm no law expert, but, uh, if you've been sequestered, I don't think you should be here.
I had to come.
They're gonna convict this poor guy Chris foster.
Oh, come on, he's guilty! Well, how do you know? He's on trial, isn't he? Oh, he's guilty? Guilty of not being able to buy justice with some high-priced lawyer.
Actually, he has a high-priced lawyer.
He made a nice fortune swindling people.
So he is guilty.
Well, maybe he is, but why do I have to be the one who sends him away? I'm the final batter, juror number 4.
It's the bottom of the ninth inning.
The count is 11 and one.
Foster's in the penalty box waiting for the 2-minute warning.
But who's gonna blow the whistle on him? Not the umpire! Me! Don't watch a lot of baseball, do you, Dick? What a load of cobblers.
Where are you going, lieutenant? Don't call me that.
That's not my thing anymore.
When the high commander has a problem, he turns to his second in command for counsel.
That's your responsibility.
Yeah, well, responsibility is just a choke chain on your creative dog! You have a job.
You took on this assignment, and now it's your sworn duty to do it right.
[Normal voice] Oh, just like you're doing your sworn duty, juror number 4? Not a word! Not a word! I think Tommy is saying, "good work, Harry.
This shelter will protect us from foul weather.
" All without words.
All without words.
I think he's saying he needs more masking tape on top.
No, no, that's foul weather.
Or--or masking tape.
We're all learning together.
I think they want to invite the rest of the tribe into the shelter.
I'll go in there.
I think they're inviting you, Caryn.
I'm scared.
Albright: it's all right.
Go ahead.
Um, we're getting a little off-track here.
This is the first experiment I ever understood.
Guys! Guys! You're not communicating! Stop! Stop! This experiment is over! Shut up! Get out! Where's our money? Here.
Get out! So, um, you want to book us for next semester? No! We'll see.
We, the jury-- all of us in fact, every one of us find the defendant guilty on all counts.
Does the defense want the jury polled? Yes, your honor.
As I call your number, please enter your verdict.
Juror number one.
Guilty.
Juror number 2.
Guilty.
Guilty.
Juror number 3.
Juror number 4.
Mr.
Foster, I'd just-- juror number 4.
I'm not making any judgments-- juror number 4, how do you vote? You are so guilty, you stupid man! There was no way for me not to convict you, and I tried.
I was so dedicated, I snuck out of the motor lodge and talked to my friends and family about this case.
You spoke with others about the facts of this case during the deliberation process? Yes.
To anyone who would listen.
Your honor, I move for a mistrial.
Granted.
[All groan] Does that mean he's not going to jail? No, thanks to you, there's going to be a new trial.
Am I gonna be on the jury? No.
Yes! The jury system is like a never-ending battle.
Justice always depends on fair-minded humans outnumbering the bigots, fools, and cowards.
Yeah, which one are you? Fair-minded coward.
Yeah.
Justice is so much simpler where we come from.
Oh, yeah, you simply hook the suspect to the old truth belt, and if his tube stays purple, he's innocent.
If it turns blue, he's guilty.
Nice and clean.
Oh, except for those times when it doesn't change all the way, and then you get into those endless arguments about, "ooh, I think it's magenta.
" "No, that looks lavender.
" Well, I guess our system isn't perfect either.
All systems are corrupt.
[Sighs] That's right, sunshine.
What's for dinner, Sally? [English accent] Whatever you make yourself.
I'm meetin' Seth.
Oh.
Have a nice night, princess.
God, when does it end? Ah, it's just a phase.
Yeah, she'll grow out of it.
But in the meantime, what are we gonna eat? [English accent] Bangers and mash, guv'nor.
Captioned by the national sure is a relief to be able to talk again.
Oh, you're telling me.
Yeah.
You know, during the silence, I sort of noticed how good-looking you are.