3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - A Friend in Dick

Harry, is there any cereal left? Nope.
Guess I'll just have some toast.
No toast, either.
Oh, and we're also completely out of bread.
Good morning! Good morning.
No, I tell a lie.
It's a great morning, and it will culminate in an even greater evening, for tonight Mary and I will attend king of the jig, starring Irish tap-dancing sensation peter Connelly.
What happened to my delicious coffee? [English accent] You should really get yourself a bean grinder.
This canned stuff's intolerable.
Oh! I'm gonna go and have a smoke.
Sally, it appears that your new boyfriend has bogarted my coffee.
Yeah.
Something tells me he ate all our cereal, too.
Yeah? So? [English accent] We spent the night together.
He got a little hungry.
What's the big deal? You slept with him? No.
We were discussing his writing.
He is an artist, you know.
Yeah.
A starving artist.
Oh, Harry, that was pretty clever.
Yeah.
I have no idea why.
I don't like what this guy has done to you, Sally.
You're broody and moody, and your hair looks like--like-- like what? Doody.
Yeah, well, what do you know? You and your ivory tower, hurling down your wisdom McNUGGETS dipped in the special sauce of the establishment.
[Muttering] Now hang on there, Missy.
I command you to drop that ridiculous accent.
What accent? The bad English one.
I don't have to do a thing you-- lieutenant.
Okey-dokey.
So, Mary, what time should I pick you up for king of the jig? I'm not going with you.
But we made our plans We broke up.
Judith and I already got tickets.
And I am not leaving that theater without a sweaty scarf.
Well, what am I supposed to do? Well, why don't you bring one of your friends? My friends? Oh, oh.
Yes, of course.
It's just that there's so many.
Choosing one could result in hurt feelings.
Ironically, I might end up losing friends over this.
Maybe we'll see you there.
Mm, yeah, I'll see you there.
Yeah, with one of my many, many friends! Nina-- not a chance in hell.
Are you sure you can't make it? It should be a great show.
I told you, my name is Dick Solomon.
You made a delivery at my office a few months back.
Yes, I signed your electronic clipboard, and you made a nice comment about the size of my package.
Hello? Hello?! Ohh! [Normal voice] Oh, no.
Is that baywatch? It's not baywatch.
It's baywatch nights.
So what's the difference? It's colder at night.
[Click] There! There's something to feed your souls.
Mmmhey! She will kill you.
So you wanna go roller-Blading? Oh, I don't have any roller blades.
How about a video game? Oh, Harry has Yahtzee! Yahtzee! No offense, Solomon, but this place sucks.
Hey! You! What? Would you like to join me for a night at the theater? No.
This is so odd.
I can't find anyone who wants to join me for king of the jig.
One could draw the mistaken conclusion that I don't have any friends.
[Derisively] King of the jig.
Peter Connelly's strip-mining an entire culture for profit.
That is so true.
And you know what else? I need money for roller blades.
Roller blades? Yeah, and a few other things all my friends seem to have.
Are things really gonna bring you happiness, Tommy? Yeah.
That saddens me.
Great, Tommy.
You made him sad.
You happy? Come on, Dick.
Let's see the wallet.
No, Tommy, you'll have to get your own money.
I'm stretched thin just covering the bare essentials: food, clothing, shelter, and theater tickets.
Yeah, Tommy.
You want money, maybe you should go get a job.
Harry, Tommy has a job.
Yeah.
I go to school.
Oh.
Then maybe I should go get a job.
Oh, man.
Good evening.
Would you by any chance need a ticket for the show? We have tickets.
That's why we're here.
Well, what if I knocked off 5 bucks? I'm insane! This ticket must go! Hi, Dick.
Hello, Mary, Judith.
I-I'm just waiting here for my friend.
Well, I hope they get here soon.
They're going to close the doors in 5 minutes.
Bear in mind: no one will be seated once peter Connelly's shirt comes off.
[Gasps] Who needs tickets?! Tickets here! Get your red-hot tickets! Cut-Price tickets here! Hey, what do you think you're doing? Oh, oh, no.
Nothing illegal is going on here, officer.
I just bought an extra ticket, and I'm trying to unload it.
You know, hopefully, for a nice profit.
Scalping tickets is a misdemeanor.
Come with me.
Wait a second, uh it's Ok, Rico.
He's a friend.
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
Don's a friend of mine.
Don and I are friends.
My friend Don.
All right.
See you back at the station, Don.
So, Don, I have an extra ticket.
It's yours if you want it.
An extra ticket, huh? I hear it's a pretty good show.
Pretty good? The Rutherford bugle calls it "tap-licious.
" Well, I suppose crime could strike inside the theater just as well as it could out here.
Look at Abe Lincoln.
Let's go! Ah! Good news.
The falafel connection needs a night manager.
Harry, you go to bed at 8:00.
Besides, this job requires a high school diploma.
Well, that's discrimination.
Man, you need diplomas for all these jobs.
Yeah, which I don't got.
Let's eat.
Hey, wait.
You are just gonna have to go to high school and get a high school diploma.
Huh? No.
Nooo.
Noooo! Oh, forget it.
I don't wanna.
Ah, Harry, come on.
Let's go sign you up.
You see, you gotta think of a diploma as an investment.
Yeah.
An investment in your roller blades.
Ah, you see? You're learning already.
[Audience applauding] Whoo! Whoo! Huh! Whoo! Huh! Huh! Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho! Oh, god! Oh, that was the most spectacular thing I've ever seen.
Oh, was that great or what? Oh, yes, my friend and I were just discussing it.
Mary, Judith, you remember Don Orville.
How do you do? Dick, I didn't realize you and Don were such good friends.
Well, you know how it is-- the college professor and police officer, it's a scheduling nightmare, but when we do find the time, Don and I are practically inseparable.
Isn't that right, Donny, old boy? Not entirely.
Hey, what are-- shh! What are you wr-- shh! What are you write-- shh! What are you writing in your journal? Oh, here they come.
Right on time.
Peter Connelly's obedient little sheep.
They've sat through his puppet show, purchased his t-shirts, and now they're here to discuss the experience and feel cultured.
Oh, that's pathetic.
It's not their fault.
Connelly has them programmed.
He's the head of the monster.
The head of the monster? Yeah, I'd like to have 5 minutes alone with that phony.
Why? What would you do to him, Seth? Let's just say he would never dance again.
Oh, yeah.
Ha ha.
Oh, I would love to see that.
Yeah.
Oh, that would be great.
Him not dancing, right? Look, I'm trying to write! Incoming! You get it? 'Cause we're coming in, right? Heh heh heh.
Ahh turns out paintball is lot more fun than I thought, huh, Don? Well, you didn't have to tie me down and do me execution-style.
Come on, I was just playing around.
No hard feelings.
Hey friends? Friends.
Let me buy you a beer.
Hey! 2 beers here.
I'd like to get a couple of Rutherford railroad stouts.
Yeah, you know, they brew it right here in Rutherford.
Yeah, they put a microbrewery in the oldbrewery.
Hey, we ought to go take a tour sometime.
Yeah.
Free samples.
Can't beat that with a stick.
No, sir, you can't.
And you know the ladies love the beer.
Oh, yeah.
You know who else loves the beer? Pathetic lonely guys.
Ok, enough of that.
So tomorrow night I was thinking sushi and the dog track? Well, that sounds like fun, but tomorrow night's no good for me.
No.
You working the late shift? No.
Oh, you got a hot date? No, no.
Who is she? Come on, come on.
No, no heh heh heh.
No, I'm going out with my buddy Ernie.
We're bowling a couple of games and eating some chicken wings.
Oh, of course.
Chicken wings.
I'm sure you'll have a good time with your buddy Ernie.
Smooth.
Disappointing.
Come on, Harry.
It's time for school.
How do I look? What is this? What? My backpack.
Yeah.
It's a backpack.
You don't wear it on your back.
Just throw it over your shoulder.
I'm a little nervous.
All right, all right.
There's no need to be.
Night school is the same thing as regular school.
The only difference is it's at night.
Which makes it really spooky.
Granted.
But there's only a few things you need to remember, you know: make sure the tough guys think you're cool, grab a seat next to a babe, and, uh, you know, don't let the teacher push you around.
Ok.
Tough.
Babe.
Don't let the teacher push you around.
Is that it? Oh! Yeah, and never put your mouth directly on the drinking fountain.
But that's how I drink from the fountain.
Not at school.
Ok.
Well here I go.
Oh, uh, aren't you forgetting something? I'm sorry.
No! The snack! Oh! Great show, peter.
You killed out there.
Eh, not as good as the show in branson, but, uh, [Heels click] I'll cash the check.
Peter Connelly! Eh, what happened to the redhead from the second row? She's outside.
Give her a t-shirt and send her home.
Peter, I'm so sorry to burst in on you like this, but I just couldn't control myself.
Eh! Boys! Why don't you take a walk, see if you can find some of those menthol cigarettes I like so much, eh? Eh! Eh! Sowhere should we begin, me not-so-wee lass? Well, why don't you tell me? [Gasps] You strike me as a lady who knows [Pats chair] What she wants.
Well, peter [Clears throat] You know what I want right now more than anything in the world? Tell me, buttercup.
Coffee.
Coffee? Yeah.
You know, I want to be wide awake in case we go for a ride on the old tour bus.
Eh! Well, then, by all means, lass, let usLATTé! What would you like? I'll have a cappuccino.
Root beer.
Ohh.
What? It's not what Don would order.
Don would order a mocha.
Fine.
I'll have a mocha.
Don would order it with gusto.
I'll have a mocha.
That's too much gusto.
Well, how would Don say, "get bent"? I'll tell you how he'd say it.
By going out to eat chicken wings with his friend Ernie and leaving me in the lurch! Hey, what about the check here? No wonder you don't have any friends.
What's your problem? I'm sorry.
Save it.
Don't ever let it happen again.
You bumped into me.
I think I know that! Is this seat taken? No.
Please sit down.
So what brings you in here, pretty lady? [Purring like a tiger] Ok, have a seat right over there, honey, and I'll be right back, Ok? Don't make me come and git ya! Seth! Sally, you look sexy.
What? In a very stereotypical kind of way that does nothing for me.
Seth, look what I brought you.
What? It's the head of the monster himself, peter Connelly.
Peter Connelly? Is he here right now? Yeah.
Well, let him have it.
Come on.
Peter Connelly.
Yes.
Oh, my god, can I have your autograph? What happened out there? That wasn't the Seth I know! Sally, please! I was mocking Connelly.
He signed your shoes.
Yeah.
The shoes of a man who hates him.
Ha hah! I don't believe this.
You're a fraud! Sally, the whole culture here's a fraud.
I'm a fraud, you're a fraud, life's a fraud.
Yes, but you in particular are a complete fraud! God, when I think of what I gave up for you.
I mean, my family, my self-respect, my hair-care regimen! Hey, just relax.
You're being stupid.
That's the wrong thing to say.
Jig on outta here, loser! Get out! So he says, "they're not Teflon bullets.
They're dum-dums.
" Dum-dums.
Heh heh-- Don.
Dick, what are you doing here? I was under the impression this was our place, Don.
I guess I was wrong.
And who might you be, Ernie? Ernie.
No.
So this is who you choose? Choose? Choose to hurt me with.
Uh, Ernie's a friend of mine from the academy.
So tell me, Don, what is it he has that I don't? A leaf blower? Oh! Well, I'll tell you what, Mr.
Don Orville! When you decide what it is you want from this relationship, why don't you just let me know, hmm? Oh, and one more thing: you're a lousy dancer! I-I'm sorry, Ernie.
I don't know what to say.
It's Ok, Don.
I understand.
I'm gay, too.
I'm not gay.
Oh.
Well, me neither.
I just didn't want you to feel uncomfortable.
"The boy goes to the store.
" Harry.
Would you like to diagram the sentence? Well, you're the one with the chalk.
Knock yourself out.
I'd really appreciate it if you'd give it a try.
Well, look, if you want your butt kissed, why don't you call on Mrs.
DeGUZMAN? Man, just diagram the damn sentence.
Well, back off, buddy.
Maybe I don't know how to diagram the damn sentence.
You ever stop to think of that? That's Ok, Harry.
If you had all the answers, you wouldn't need to be here.
What's your point, teach? Well, my point is we're all here to learn together.
We are? Yes.
Are you sure? I'm sure.
I wanna learn! I wanna learn! Dick, do you mind?! I have work to do.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was just sitting here thinking what a lonely shambles my life has become.
I don't have any friends.
And you know why? Because I devoted all my time to my relationship with you.
Finger-pointing is not going to solve your problems.
I'm not finger-pointing.
But it's your fault! You! You wouldn't come with me to king of the jig! I had to replace you with Don, and now he won't even speak to me.
Hey, Dick.
Don.
So hey.
Look.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Last night? No biggie.
Cool.
Soburger? Fries? Later? Sure.
Solid.
That's my main man.
Ohh, it is such a relief to be rid of Seth.
So you can get back together with Don? No.
So I can shave the poodles from under my arms.
Smooth.
Hands off, pervert! You know, Sally, you may have lost a boyfriend and I may have found a friend, but you know what's the most important thing? What? That I found a friend.
Captioned by the national all yours.