3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Tom, Dick and Mary

Come on.
Big money.
Big money! Harry, where were you? You were supposed to pick me up from work.
Yes, I was.
Free spin! Free spin! I had to walk.
I'm soaking wet! Look at me! Dick, would you like to buy a vowel? What are you doing, Sally? Oh, I'm looking for an office job.
I bought a new suit, and I need a place to wear it.
Fortune you're my wheel of fortune the appeal of fortune is sublime um, Tommy, I'm meeting Kevin at the mall.
Do you want to come along? Yeah! Yeah.
That'd be great! Me, my old girlfriend, her new boyfriend, cruisin' the food court, hangin' out, splittin' a hot pretzel.
No.
You are so immature.
Oh, really, August, and how old are you? I'm not talking about age, Tommy.
I'm talking about maturity.
Oh, maturity.
I see.
Well, tell me, August.
Who's the one who wants to hang out at the mall, hmm?! Your son is impossible.
I completely agree.
He doesn't get that girls mature faster, and that women-- blah, blah, blah.
You made your point.
I said I agreed.
Now get out! Why do you insist on hanging out with teenagers? It's not my fault.
I don't have any choice.
This was the body you assigned me.
It's pathetic.
I'm older than any of you, but if I want to see an r-rated movie, I have to go with Mrs.
Dubcek.
Just once, just once I'd like to meet a woman closer to my age.
You know, someone like Angie Dickinson.
Wait! The Tv is off.
Yeah, I turned it off.
Well, but now it's off.
We have a mission.
We didn't come to this planet to watch television.
Yeah, but it's given us a reason to stay.
I'm ordering you to go without television for a week! Now, that's final! A week, no Tv? What'll I do? Why don't you try using your brain for a change? Well, what good could come from it? What's Harry's problem now? Dick's the one with the problem.
What's the matter, Dick? It's Mary.
I hate you! Go figure.
This afternoon I tried to borrow her magnifying glass, you know, to burn some ants.
Of course.
Go on.
So anyway, she's like, "no, you'll break it!" And I'm all, "I will not!" And she's like, "it's mine! You can't have it!" So we have this huge fight.
Finally she let me borrow it when she wasn't looking.
And let me guess.
You broke it.
Yes! A particularly large queen burst into flames, and I got scared and dropped it on the sidewalk.
Oh, Dick! I know what'll make you feel better.
A little Tv.
Aah! [Doorbell rings] Who is it? It's Tommy.
Oh, Tommy, come on in.
Hi.
Um I'm here to return your magnifying glass.
Dick broke that, didn't he? And he couldn't bring it over himself, could he? He's so immature.
Well, he's not necessarily-- Yeah, he's pretty immature.
I'll just leave this here on the table.
Thanks.
Oh, wow, the Aztecs! You studying them in school? No, but I read about them on a placemat at the pancake house.
You know what the Aztecs' problem was? They were at the wrong apex of the technological world arc.
I've never heard of that.
Oh, it's my own theory.
You see, technology begins in china in 5,000 B.
C.
With, um, literature and architecture and pasta and alcoholic beverages and fireworks.
Oh! Would you like an Oreo? Oh, thank you.
Oh, please continue.
This is fascinating.
So over the centuries the techno- arc moves through the middle east, Egypt, Greece, Rome, Florence, Europe, the Americas, until it gets back to the pacific rim, but it always travels west.
So you're saying, the earth's rotation affects civilization.
Exactly! And every dominant society is in sync with the arc.
And the Aztecs are-- they're off the arc by 2,000 years, and that is why their advancements are never recognized.
You have a very interesting theory.
Well, for a teenager.
No, for anybody.
Most people dismiss non-Literate cultures.
Well, we live in one.
Would you like a cup of coffee, Tommy? Could you do me a favor? Hmm.
Call me tom.
Would you like a cup of coffee, tom? I would love a cup of coffee, Mary.
All right.
Miss, uh, Solomon? There's been a mistake.
There's only 4 words on this typing test.
No, no, no.
That's right.
You asked me if I could type 40 words per minute.
There it is: "40 words per minute.
" And it only took me a half hour.
When we say 40-- Ok.
You know what? They're your rules, not mine.
Hello "Sally.
" I'm Carl.
Hi.
You know, you should check on your friend over there.
No speak-a De English.
I don't work in personnel.
I'm in distribution, but maybe I can help you get through that.
Oh, yeah.
I'm having some trouble filling it out.
You're, uh, filling it out just fine.
I'm, uh, looking for a new assistant.
Oh, great! And I already know you can type 40 words per minute.
Hell, I can type 100 words per minute, you give me enough time.
[Telephone rings] Hello.
Oh, hi, tom! I had a wonderful time, too! No, I will not let you buy me lunch.
I'll buy you lunch.
I insist! Ok.
Good-bye, tom.
Nina, I'll be back in about an hour.
Have a nice lunch.
Nina, I need to send something over to tom, and I seem to have lost tom's address.
Who is he again? I don't know, and it's none of my business.
Well, it's none of my business, and I'm obsessed with it.
I thought the two of you were over.
Why do all men think once they plant the flag, they own the mountain? I spent 2 years climbing that mountain, and I'm not about to let another man yodel on it! Aah! What's the matter? Oh.
He's thinking.
Tommy, do you still have feelings for me? Sorry, August.
I'm seeing someone else.
What? I can't believe this.
Kevin and I have only been going out for a month, and you already have a new girlfriend? Oh, that's rich.
Good-bye.
Your son is impossible! And you're a pain in the ass.
You're made for each other! Where's dinner? Sally's not home yet.
Nyaah! Harry, go think in another room.
And no television! Dick, I've been meaning to ask you.
Um are you still interested in Mary? No! Why does everybody ask me that, because I'm not! No, sir.
She and I are free! Good.
Oh, yeah, it's good.
Yeah, I'm glad.
Damn right.
So am I.
Hey, guys! Good news! What is it, lieutenant? I got a job.
A real job! Look! "Sally Solomon, stern and bower, inc.
" It's my I.
D.
I have a parking pass, medical, dental, pension, profit sharing.
I'm thinking of retiring in Mexico.
Well, your dollar goes further there.
Well, what about dinner? It's so much harder than I thought.
I actually have to learn how to respect my coworkers if I'm going to keep this job.
"No offense, but you're offending me.
" What's this? Oh, it's a pamphlet about understanding and tolerance and all that crap.
Anyway, I read it, and as hard as this is to believe, sometimes I think I make people feel uncomfortable.
Oh, get out.
What's this? "Hearty man's meatloaf with all the fixin's.
" Ok.
This is the bad news, you guys.
As a working woman, I can no longer cook for you.
From now on, you have to eat frozen dinners.
Aww.
Aww.
Can we start tonight? Sure.
As soon as I take off my coat.
Hi, guys.
I'll just, uh, take that.
Harry: noooo! Mr.
Webber, you have a meeting in 10 minutes.
Mmm.
Someone smells like fresh lemons.
What are you wearing? Pledge.
I like it.
I'm going to have a hard time concentrating on work if you go around smelling like that.
Oh, I'm sorry I distracted you.
It won't happen again.
Well, speaking of distractions, I can't stop thinking about what's under that jacket.
I mean, give me a break.
I'm only human.
I'm sorry.
Does that help? Oh, that's much better.
Ok.
Look, Mr.
Webber, I just want you to know that I read that booklet from the human resources-- oh, whoa, whoa.
Whoa! I was just kidding.
Honestly.
Oh, you're very kind, but, look, I know I look hot, and if I have impeded your performance or made you uncomfortable in the workplace, I apologize for that right now.
Well, if you want to apologize, maybe we could do it over drinks.
Oh, that's sweet.
'Cause I certainly can't work with those legs around.
Do you have any idea what you're doing to me? Oh, my god.
[Door closes] I'm sexually harassing my boss! [Frantic knocking on door] Harry, what are you doing here? Just visiting my good friend Nina.
Hey, what's that music? It's jazz.
Well, it's groovy.
You know what else is groovy? Television.
You know what's on television right now? Shows.
Oh.
Sorry, Harry.
Something's wrong with my antenna.
Don't worry.
I'll fix it.
As god is my witness, I'll fix it.
[Frantic knocking on door] Oh, Nina, I got to talk to somebody.
Well, sure.
Come on in.
You got to help me.
I am sexually harassing my boss.
What are you talking about? It's all my fault.
No matter what perfume I wear, he sniffs me.
My legs distract him all day long.
He can't get any work done.
Sally, this guy sounds like a total creep.
Aah! Good news! I've got Mr.
Ed.
No, wait.
It's a Madonna video.
[Banging on door] Nina, I need some information! Dick, I was talking to Nina.
Well, wait your turn! Nina, I want you to call up Mary and find out if she's with anybody.
No! I'd do it myself, but she'd think that I still wanted her and I don't! Don't pull me into this.
It makes me uncomfortable.
Aha! You're harassing her! I am not! You're making her uncomfortable.
I know when I'm making someone uncomfortable, and this isn't it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Everybody freeze.
We've got reception.
I said no Tv! Oh! That was my antenna! Don't worry, I'll take it out of your salary.
Who is Mary seeing? Why don't you ask Tommy.
He's at Mary's right now.
What, Tommy's at Mary's? That duplicitous old fart! Hey.
Which is our nickname for him.
[Doorbell rings] I'll get it.
Hello.
What do you want? Where's Mary? The kitchen.
What do you want? I have to see her.
Yeah.
Let's just keep this outside, all right? What do you think you're doing? I'm enjoying myself.
For the first time on this planet, I've met a woman who appreciates me for what I think, a woman who doesn't judge me by my appearance.
I'm happy, Dick.
She's too old for you.
I'm older than you! Well, you're too old for her! Either way, it won't work! I make her laugh, Dick.
She likes it.
You shut your foul mouth! She said she never laughed so hard with you.
Listen to me, grandpa.
You stay away from the woman that I don't love! She's not your girlfriend anymore, pal.
You gave me the all clear, so shove off! Mary: tom! Yeah, I'm comingMary.
Ooh! And if I catch you hanging around this porch again, I'm calling the cops.
Dick: I can't believe he had the gall to say he could make her laugh.
I'd like to see him do it with me in the room.
Could you please take this somewhere else? She laughed her head off with me.
I'm being harassed, Ok? My problem is far greater than anything to do with your-- hey, hey, hey! Harry, what are you doing? Thinking.
Learning.
Observing the world outside the Tv.
And you know what I've observed? You.
And you know what? You're not very good at your job.
I beg your pardon! Let's review! What have you accomplished since we got here? Well, you got a rathole apartment, a used car, and you got lucky a few times.
Well, the big giant head's got to have a merit badge for that.
Got you there, Dick.
And you! You call yourself a security officer.
Look at you! Since we got here, we've been robbed, mugged, threatened, and now some mental midget is making you feel all uncomfortable in the workplace.
And all you can do about it is yak, yak, yaaak! You want your woman back, you go get her! Your boss is a moron, put your foot in his butt! We're an interstellar squad of superior beings, for god's sakes! Now quit your bitchin' and get out of the kitchen! Well, good morning, sweetness.
Let's cut to the chase.
Your conduct is affecting my work performance and/or creating an intimidating environment in my workplace.
You know, Sally.
It's casual Friday.
Why are you wearing a bra? Oh, wow! I don't believe it.
Harry was right.
I'm going to have to plant a patent leather pump right in your ass.
I'm afraid the, uh, company has decided to terminate you.
You're having me killed? No.
No, no.
We're firing you.
Oh, good.
Why? The incident with Mr.
Webber.
Oh.
Ok, uh, veronica.
Um, I'm glad you brought that up.
You see, Mr.
Webber has been making me feel very uncomfortable.
Well, then you should've filed a complaint with us.
That's what I'm doing.
Yes, I know, but you should've come in before you broke his kneecap.
Now you don't have a leg to stand on.
But neither does he.
[Doorbell rings] Hello.
Can I help you? Yeah.
I'm here to see Mary.
I'm sorry.
You can't come in.
It's me! Who is it? Oh, tom! Come in! We're having coffee.
Would you like a cup? Uh, no, he wouldn't.
Yes, please! Oh.
I'll go put on some more.
What are you doing here? I brought Mary a new magnifying glass.
I couldn't bear her being without one.
This is me you're talking to, you pathetic heap.
You're only here because you can't stand to see Mary happy with someone else.
Like you could threaten me.
It's laughable.
Ha ha ha! You see.
Now you're making me laugh at you! If you hurt her, I swear to god, I will break your neck.
You will not threaten me.
Is that clear, soldier? Oh.
Ok.
Then, uh, permission to do this.
Ugh! Aah! So, how do you like this? Doesthatfeelgood? What is going on? Roughhousing? Tommy, are you all right? My daddy hurt me.
Dick, I don't believe you! Oh, Mary, if you only understood what was going on here-- I don't want to understand! Get out! But he started it! Get out and get help! All right.
If that's what you want.
Promise me you'll be good to her.
Oh.
Oh, well.
I suppose I can get another one the next time I'm in southwestern Tanganyika.
I shouldn't have come here tonight.
You're welcome here anytime.
Mary, sit down.
What is it, tom? Listen.
You're really sweet, but it's just not going to work out, and besides, I think we both know there's still a guy out there who's stuck on you.
I have no idea-- shh! Don't speak.
Just let me remember the way you look right now.
It's Ok, Dick.
You can have her.
You're not giving her to me.
I took her.
Well, whatever gets you through the night.
Harry: ah! There you are.
You know, I've been thinking again.
Oh, my god.
Aw! Shut up! You know, Dick, I don't think you have a clue about earth women.
Matter of fact, I don't think you'd be too good with women from any planet.
Speaking of women, I think you're incredibly hot.
You know, we're not really brother and sister.
It's all made up.
What say we have a go at it? You, me, and a stick of butter.
What do you say? Look, Harry, home shopping.
Harry: oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Seen it, seen it.
Bought it, bought it.
Want it.
Need it.
Ooooh! Oh, I like that.
Ahh.
Ahh.
Ahh.
Peace.
You know, Dick, you're just like that guy I worked for.
It's all about possession and control.
You think you own Mary.
Oh, no, I know now that I never owned Mary, but I did test drive the hell out of her.
Yeah, yeah, we know.
Thinking, thinking thinking hard I know what the answer is, I got it no, that can't be, I'm so wrong I guessed Mao, but it's B.
D.
Wong thinking, thinking thinking hard what's the use? I've burned too many brain cells maybe I'll just fantasize look at Alex and close my eyes