3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - 36! 24! 36! Dick! (1)

Greg Gumbel: welcome back to San Diego, everyone, the site of super bowl xxxii, won by the Denver broncos Terrell Davis, the most valuable-- run for your lives! The big women are angry! Save yourselves while there's still time! Security! I need security! No! I'm trying to warn you! They're already here! They're ready to take over! Dick, narrating: how did it happen? It began so innocently.
It was a day like any other.
I can still remember.
I was teaching a class in physics.
High commander's log, January 12, earth year 1998.
There are some new students in my class today.
I usually don't allow students to join my class mid-Semester, but I made an exception this time because they walked in and sat down.
Kepler's third law states what? Class? A body in motion tends to stay in motion.
No, no.
Bug, I'm looking for a planetary law.
Yeah, planets, you know, heavenly bodies? Kepler's third law.
The square of a planet's period of orbit is proportional to the cube of its average distance from the sun.
Th-th-that--that's very good, uh Gabriella.
[Bell rings] So, uh, you want to orbit around my planet? You know what I mean? Yes, I do, and yes, I would.
You would? Are you sure you know what I mean? Absolutely.
Ohhhh! Dr.
Solomon? Gabriella, it was a pleasure to have you in class.
I don't know much about science, but you are such a good teacher.
Oh, sure.
That's what I do.
Who's under the dryer? Fast Eddie's appliance repair.
Make sure you get the guarantee.
So, uh, Eddie, you want a soda or something? You know, it might not be too cold.
I think there's something wrong with the refrigerator.
You're not Eddie.
Eddie gave me the shop.
Why? Because I asked for it.
So, uh would you like a soda? Thanks.
I like it when men give me things.
Me, too.
Sometimes the barber gives me a lollipop.
Did you go to the barber today? No.
Did you? Yes.
Dick: high commander's log, January 14.
For some reason, the men of Rutherford, Ohio, are in the best spirits I've ever seen.
As for me, I'm getting to know Gabriella better.
Dick, don't you find it just a little bit odd that a woman that gorgeous likes you? You wouldn't think it was odd if I were Mick Jagger.
Yeah, but Mick Jagger's not a small-Town college professor.
And yet he still gets women.
Next time, try thinking before you open your mouth.
Dick, Sally, I'd like you to meet Chloe.
Dick: hi.
I'm extremely beautiful, and I'm Tommy's new girlfriend.
Is that true, Tommy? Yes.
And yes.
A woman like that is not supposed to be available to a high school kid.
That's why we got him a subscription to playboy.
And now we can cancel it.
Ba-bam! So what are you gonna do about it? Let's see.
Oh, I know.
Enjoy the hell out of it.
As you were, lieutenant.
So how are things? Ah, same old, same old.
You? Can't complain.
Yes! Yes! Dick: high commander's log, January 15.
Gabriella has given me a photo of her.
I'm trying to determine which angle will be most visible to Dr.
Albright to best mock her for having broken up with me.
I think that they should just turn the class into a seminar.
What's that, you say? Who is this a picture of? What? Well, if you're going to be so nosy, I'll tell you.
It just happens to be-- Dr.
Albright! Dr.
Albright, look! What is it? Tickets to the super bowl! Where did these come from? Frank leggett, class of '94.
Oh, my god.
His team is playing in the super bowl.
Eeeee! Why would he send you the tickets? Oh, uh, Frank was having a little trouble maintaining his academic eligibility.
I just gave him a little help and guidance.
"Your classes were so easy.
Thank you for letting me coast.
" He was a brilliant student.
He spelled easy with a "Z.
" Oh, who cares?! I have 2 tickets to the super bowl! So, uh, who are you gonna take? Oh.
Ohh, um oh, I'm sorry.
I've known Nina longer.
Whoo! San Diego, here I come! Whoo! Videotape for Mascha.
Take 8.
Who's your daddy? You're my little schmoo-Schmoo.
What the hell are you doing? Oh, uh, making a tape for Mascha.
In case she needs a Harry fix in the middle of the night.
That's so sweet.
Sally, look.
Champagne and caviar for Gabriella.
What's caviar? Russian fish eggs.
Very expensive.
Yeah, I know.
You and Tommy have spent a fortune on these women.
Look, $700 for a necklace, $400 for earrings.
Guys, look what I bought for Chloe.
How much did that cost? $50.
$50? A month for the next 16 years.
One second.
Wait, wait, wait.
Can somebody please explain to me why Rutherford, Ohio, is suddenly brimming over with beautiful women just dying to date losers? Well, I'm betting it has something to do with el niño.
Hello, Don.
Hi, Sally.
I said, "hello, Don.
" Yeah, I heard you.
Can I buy you a coffee? Wait a second.
What makes you think you can have me? Look around.
Times have changed.
I'm going to the ladies' room.
Anybody care to join me? A sucker? This is it? I'm trying.
He's not responding right.
Well, try harder.
Ladies, we will not rest until we have achieved the total world domination.
Excuse me, but what did you say-- Sally: Dick! I'm up here.
Oh, I'm silly.
I've been looking everywhere for you.
You weren't at the school or-- oh, hello.
Why does your wife always bother us? No, I'm not his wife.
I'm his sister, and, uh, right now, we really need to have a little brother/sister chat.
Sally, anything you have to say to me you can say in front of Gabriella.
Ok, um you know those hemorrhoid suppositories you always buy-- all right, in the kitchen! In the kitchen! I'll be right back, my perfectly symmetrical little snowflake.
Mmm [Speaking Russian] Sally: Dick! Hurry up! I miss my gabby.
I think I finally figured out what's going on.
These women are part of some strange, organized coven.
Their goal is to dominate the world.
I heard them, Dick.
They're dangerous.
You mean to tell me that sizzling Siberian sex kitten in there doesn't really love me? No.
But is only using me in a plot to dominate the whole world? Yes! Ha ha ha ha ha! That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard.
She's my girlfriend.
Gabriella: Dick! [Speaking Russian] Well, I guess it's up to me to get to the bottom of this.
And if I have to smash Dick's fantasy and leave him a blubbering idiot, then all the better.
That and that.
Ooh! And this.
I'm gonna try it on.
Ooh, I'll help.
No, you don't, bad boy.
Why don't you go take a marketing survey or something? What? Would you like to take a marketing survey? Ok.
Excuse me.
I can't seem to find my size.
And that would be? An 8.
You have 2s and 4s and a couple of zeros.
Well, I'm sorry, miss, but we don't really carry the plus sizes.
Since when did 8 become a plus size? In the clothing business, we have to cater to the demands of the buyer.
I've been shopping here a long time, and I demand service.
You know, hon, it's really unattractive when a heavy gal yells.
So, would you buy this product? In a heartbeat.
How much would you pay for this product? Whatever those pretty ladies say.
So, would you give up all that you hold dear and devote your life to obtaining this product? Sure.
What is this product? I have no idea.
What do you see when you look at me? Ooh, I see someone who's sweet, fun to be with, maybe a little insecure, but I like that about you.
Don't you think I'm beautiful? Well, sure, you're cute, even with the mole.
Well, then, don't you want to give me anything? Oh, of course I do.
I want to give you the mountains and the river and the trees.
Well, I guess I was just hoping for something more like extremely expensive jewelry.
Hmm? Ok.
I was keeping this for a surprise, but I had the barber take a little off the top.
Just for you.
Sometimes I feel like such a failure.
Ooh, why? Harry, I have to tell you something.
I'm not from around here.
I'm not from around here, either.
I'm not like other women.
I'm not like other guys.
I can't tell you why.
I can't tell you why, either.
We have so much in common.
We do.
Sally, narrating: lieutenant's log.
Yes, I have one, too.
The coffee shop is lousy with these leggy predators.
I must get to the bottom of this at any cost.
Prepare for contact with prell.
[Static] [Tuning] Ladies, we have come a long way from Venus.
I would like to commend you all on your hard work and dedication in heels, I might add.
Why did you choose Rutherford, Ohio? Mmm.
Because it is so delightfully average, a petri dish of the mundane.
Does the experiment go well? Every man tested scored Excellent! Now it's time for us to move west towards our final destination: area 32.
[Toilet flushes] Search the stalls! Excuse me.
I just, uh, need to wash my hands.
Why were you hiding in there? I wasn't hiding.
Then why weren't your feet visible? This is pretty embarrassing, but, um sometimes I jam my feet against the stall door, you know, for leverage.
I haven't been eating enough grains lately so it's been waaaa! You're lying.
Yeah, I'm lying.
It's because I want to join you.
Join us? Hmm.
You've got split ends.
She's tall enough, she's got the bone structure.
Perhaps we can use her, that is, if she can endure our makeover.
[Balalaika playing] [Singing in Russian] La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la rrrrrrrrrrr! Oy! Oy! Oy! Oy! La la la la la la la la la la-- um, I just need to get something from my room.
You mind if I go alone? Not at all.
Ooh, Mascha! Hello, Harry.
I didn't come to see you.
I came to take your sister shopping.
Look, I know how you like things.
And so, um I made you something.
Not real gold, macaroni.
I spray-painted it.
This has absolutely no market value.
And yet I'm touched.
You're either really cheap or really deep.
I'd like to think that I am both.
I don't know why, but I want to give you something, too.
Oh, no, you don't have to.
I have to go now, Harry.
Ok, ladies, let's go! Wait, wait, wait! Why are you leaving? Oh, I'm sorry, Dick, but I've got some business to take care of.
Ouch! Sally, you can't go.
You have to make us dinner.
Uh, you have to buy your own dinner.
Um, here's a grocery list.
It's very important that you read it so you know what you have to buy.
Let's move! Even if you're not hungry, it's a good read, that grocery list.
I heard you, miss pronunciation.
Sally: the list, Dick! Read the list! Well, shall we go grocery shopping? No, no.
That's Sally's job.
No, I think the most prudent thing for us to do now is just to, um, sit here and wait for the girls to come back.
Dick: high commander's log, January 18.
Like locusts, they came en masse without warning.
Then, in a cloud of sparkly powder and perfume [Sighs] [Sighs] [Sighs] They were gone.
Hey, guys.
I was just wondering have any of you-- no, we haven't seen kirsta around.
Will you give it a rest? You don't hear me whining on and on about Gabriella.
Only 24 hours a day.
Mmm, please.
It's not like you lost Mascha.
Mascha, Mascha, Mascha.
Why I ought to-- hey, hey, hey! Why don't we stop kidding ourselves? We knew it couldn't last forever.
The thing I most regret is I didn't take any pictures of Gabriella and me.
Now no one's going to believe me when I tell them I slept with her.
You didn't.
You see, it's started already! Just as I suspected.
She's a winter.
Oh, I always thought I looked best in warmer tones.
Oh, you were wrong.
She has combination skin and a dry t-zone.
We must exfoliate.
Uh, uh, couldn't we just moisturize me? Do you want to be one of us or not? Yes, yes! Do whatever you want! I need the Fido bent.
Now open! Uhh! Aaah! Whoa, look, Harry.
It's mascha's compact.
Ooh, let me hold it.
Ooh, I can still feel the heat from her slender fingers.
[Static] Hello? Come in, Sassoon.
This is prell.
What was that? She was hot.
[Static] Prell: hey, who is that? Oh, my god! Do you realize what this is? It's a multiphase micro transmitter and rose-pink blush in one! This planet doesn't have that technology.
Holy cow! We weren't just dating leggy babes.
We were dating leggy babes from beyond.
Oh, my god! We're aliens ourselves and they fooled us! What chance do regular humans have? We're such idiots! Sally tried to warn us.
Where's that shopping list? Oh, whoa! Wait a second! Wait.
I think I put it in the trash.
Oh, wait.
Here it is.
Oh, no! What? None of the groceries we need are on this list.
No, it's just some long, involved message about Sally infiltrating their group and heading to California.
Ohh! Ohh! Ohh! She was asking for our help, and we weren't there for her.
Oh, who knows what they're doing to her now.
We were sitting on our duffs while she's single- handedly trying to save earth! Earth.
Maybe it isn't the biggest planet in the galaxy or the roundest but I've come to think of it as home.
I was gonna retire here, you know, in Boca.
Poor Mascha, in their clutches.
She's one of them, you idiot! We've got to save earth, and we've gotta save Sally! Let's go! Wait! Wait if we run into one of those cunning, manipulative women? You're right.
Everyone grab a comb and a dinner jacket.
Let's go! Captioned by the national