3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Portrait of Tommy as an Old Man

Sally? Hi, Don.
Got your message.
I saw you being interviewed on the news today.
The camera loves you.
I've been working on a big case, Sally.
A case involving murder.
Murder, Don? That's right, Sally.
Murder with a capital "M.
" Unless it's in the middle of a sentence.
Then it's a small "M.
" Yeah, yeah, that's right.
So, um, maybe you want to go get some lunch? Well, I'm on duty, and, uh-- [Babbling] I'm real hungry.
I'll go get my coat.
Sally: hey, Don? D-aah! Huh? Yeah? What? I thought we could try that new Mexican place.
Oh, yeah, Mexican.
That's--that's--oh, god! Hey, what's the matter, Tommy? I have to write a 20-page history paper by tomorrow.
Ooohthat's tough.
Oh! Oh! And on top of that, George capisorros was waiting for me after school to beat me up 'cause I wouldn't let him cheat off my algebra test.
So what did you do, hop the fence and run home? No.
I kicked his ass, but, I mean, that's not the point.
I shouldn't have to do that.
Oh, Tommy, good.
I have an assignment for you.
What? Some students were handing out this leaflet on the campus.
It's for a secret underground party called a rave.
I think you should investigate it.
No, Dick.
These things are loud and hot.
Everybody's on something.
It's not for me.
Oh, you sound like an old man.
I am an old man.
Oh, yeah.
You guys forget that, huh.
I'm older than you are.
I'm sick and tired of acting like a kid.
Well, it's no cakewalk being the dashing patriarch, but I deal with it.
At my age, I shouldn't have to deal with anything.
I should have no worries.
I should be carefree.
Oh, I know what this is all about.
You want a Nintendo.
No! I want to relax! You know what? I'm through.
What are you saying? I'm retiring from the mission.
Effective immediately.
[Sputtering] Old guys say the darnedest things.
I cannot believe this! I've never heard of anybody retiring in the middle of a mission before! Can he do this?! It happens.
But it's rare.
Sometimes it's unavoidable.
But it happens.
But it's rare.
God! Tommy was the only one who knew anything, and he didn't know anything! We're screwed! Tommy was a little tense, that's all.
And he said some things that he didn't mean.
Trust me.
He is not going to retire.
Hey, guys.
Look what I found in the basement.
Hogans, eh? Tommy, you can't be serious.
Well, actually, Dick, I've been thinking about it for a while.
And, you know, uh, this was never my dream job.
So are you gonna go back to the home planet? Nah.
So drafty there.
There's that film in the air, you know.
I like it on earth.
There's, uh, women, gravity.
It's nice.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go to the park.
Feed some ducks.
It's just not gonna be the same without him.
Oh, don't worry.
He'll be back.
I'm sure gonna miss him.
Can I have his job? I don't know why I even bother to lecture.
Most of my students just copy their term papers out of the encyclopedia, anyway.
I'm sure that's not true.
This one's photocopied! I swear, sometimes this job just sucks the life out of me.
Do you ever wonder if maybe you made a wrong choice in life? You know, with your job? No! No.
I always wanted to teach half-baked morons at a second-rate university.
And here you are.
Here I am.
But I did have dreams when I was younger.
You did? Like what? Oh, it-it's silly.
No, no, no! Tell me.
Well, when I was a kid, I wanted to be a singer.
You know, a torch singer, like Peggy lee or Ella Fitzgerald.
I even had a stage name picked out.
Marlena Albrecht.
Marlena a smoky room a martini in my hand spotlight, just me, center stage.
With a hep cat backing you up on a standup bass.
[Mimicking bass] I'd wear gloves-- long, black gloves.
I'd have an opium problem.
Slap that bass! You are some messed-up white people.
Sally? Sally: Don? Aah! I'm so glad you're here! I was worried about you.
You left so quickly yesterday.
Well, I--I--I got a call on the, uh, the, um, the walkie-talkie! You know, about the--The murder thing.
Wow! You want to grab some lunch? Oh! Sure! I'll just, um, get out of this chair.
There'sno reason for me not to.
Oh, look-- where'd it go? Where did what go? I don't know.
I'll just, uh, go grab my sweater, Ok? Aah! OhHarry.
I need some information.
Well, I got information! What? On this day in rock 'n' roll history, the who-- enough information! Harry, I need you to do something for me.
I'll tell you where the who went and why.
No! Mary is trudging through life under the weight of an unfulfilled dream, and we're gonna make that dream come true for her.
Mmmmthis sounds like it's gonna be hard.
Very hard.
Tommy could do it with his eyes shut.
Ok, take this down.
I need you to find a place-- whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Ineedyouto Harry, forget writing it down.
Just memorize it.
I need you to find a place-- whoa! Whoa! Whoa! I need you to find-- Harry, forget memorizing it.
Just listen to me, all right? I need you to find a place where Mary can sing her little heart out.
I don't care how many toes you have to step on or how many arms you have to twist.
You must not take no for an answer.
Mary performs Saturday night! Have you got that? Harry? Oh, I'm sorry.
I was thinkin' about cake.
Whoo quincunx.
Huh? Uh, quincunx.
Quincunx? Yeah, you know-- an arrangement of 5 objects in a square with one at each corner and one in the center.
Quincunx! Wait a second, there.
You gonna challenge me? I wouldn't challenge him.
You're a pretty smart kid.
I'm not a kid.
Well, fine, fine.
Who cares? Sit down.
Thank you.
You got zeolite: z-e-o-- I saw it! Hello! Can I help you? Yes! I need some information.
Who's the manager? That would be me.
Ah! Well, have I got an act for you.
A lady with a voice like an angel.
She'll knock your socks off, she will.
Hey, hey! And I'm not takin' no for an answer.
No, great idea.
We could use some live music around here.
I'll turn off the radio.
Hey! I didn't drive 5 miles to get shot down.
I said it was fine! You listen to me, Charlie! I don't make promises, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna let you stomp all over this woman's dreams, capisce?! I--I said it was-- I don't care what you said! I said it was fine! I said it was fine! Gracias, amigo.
Thisis the lounge.
Down there, the Tv room.
We get movies every Sunday and Tuesday.
Uh-huh? Yesterday Willy wonka.
Tomorrow the Poseidon adventure.
Shelly winters goes swimming in her slip.
And here's where the gals play mahjong.
We got a lot of gals.
Plus your cribbage, your canasta, and your bridge.
Oh! You have everything.
And through there, the cafeteria.
Norman, my man.
I'm home! Wow.
So this is where they store all the old people.
You know, I like this place.
Some guy out there just called me "son.
" Gin.
Ooh! Lester! You are cookin' with gas.
What is that, Yep.
I owe ya 55 cents, ya scoundrel.
Sally! This is the one I was telling you about, lester.
Was I right? Is she beautiful? And still not married.
It kills me, really.
You know, Lester's grandson's a periodontist.
Very comfortable.
Your deal, Tommy.
Oh, I'm gonna sit this one out, spend some time with my family.
Uh, nice to meet y'all, and, you know, that Bess is one lucky lady.
Hey, don't we know it.
We love her.
[All mumbling agreement] I couldn't agree with you more.
Who's Bess? Well, she's my ticket in here.
Anytime someone asks, I just say I'm visiting my great aunt Bess.
Where do you sleep? Well, there's a couple of empty rooms.
And if anyone hassles me, I just say I'm staying over to help my great aunt Bess.
Hey! Are those new shoes? Oh, yeah! The fellows and I went to the outlet store.
I got these.
99! I feel like I'm walkin' on air.
Tommy! Come on in here, will ya, please? A whole new episode of Nash bridges is comin' on.
Come on! I'm comin'.
You're gonna miss the whole first part.
Come on! Just one second.
I'm not gonna lose my seat, I'll tell ya right now.
I'm comin', Stanley! Shh! I'm gonna come! Oh, my god shut up, Stanley! He's very I'm gonna go, though.
But you guys come by anytime.
It makes me feel good when you visit.
Oh, Nina, how's my guest list coming for Saturday night? Uh, Judith can't make it, Dr.
Suiter can't make it, and Dr.
Strudwick is flying to Philadelphia.
Well, at least you'll be there.
Well, actually, I'm driving Dr.
Strudwick to the airport.
No! If he'll let me.
Your loss! Oh, uh, say, Mary.
Have you ever heard of a little place called the stonehouse? You mean that rat hole by the highway that burned down last year? Well, they've rebuilt it.
Yeah, and then the health department came in and closed it down.
Yeah, yeah, that's the one.
How would you like to go to dinner there some time? Are you serious?! I read a review that said the food is unimaginative but fair.
Tempted? A little.
Sally? Oh, Don! I'm so glad you're here! I've been so worried since you ran out of here 2 days in a row! I've just been a little preoccupied, angel, that's all.
Is it something I did? You?! No, baby, no! Good.
It's, uh it's another case.
Uha robbery.
What did the guy steal, Don? Uh, money.
Money from a beautiful bank teller-- not you.
She was--she was folding this stack of bills because she's a--a teller, ya see.
Yeah, I got it.
She's a teller.
And, uh, so when she turned her back from the bills, he justhad to touch 'em.
Why did he do that, Don? Because he wanted to be near her--Vicariously, you know? And when she came back, he was so ashamed, that he just shoved the underwear in his pocket.
The money! The money! He shoved the money in his underwear.
In his pocket! What are ya gonna do to him, Don? I--I--I--I don't know.
I mean, it's an honest mistake.
What do you think we should do about that? Well, you know me, Don.
Yeah? I would, uh, string him up by his feet and bust his face in with a chain.
That's an option.
Announcer: the lawn bowling tournament will begin in 15 minutes.
Lawn bowling? I thought that was Tuesdays.
It is Tuesday.
What happened to Monday? Monday was yesterday.
So how's your scampi? Unimaginative.
What did I tell you? But I'm having a good time.
Excuse me.
Why are there so many empty seats? Sorry.
I spent my advertising budget on pesticide.
Oh, they have live music! Dick, that's neat.
Excuse me just a moment.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm pleased to bring up a young singer who's making her stonehouse debut.
Will you please put your hands together for the one, the only Marlena Albrecht! Wasn't she wonderful, ladies and gentlemen? Thank you and good night! Sally? Don.
I didn't expect to see you.
You've made it pretty clear you don't want to be around me.
Sally, that's crazy! But you've been so cold! Sally, I'm full of guilt! And it's eatin' at my insides like a bellyful of sharks! Have you tried belching? Sally, sometimes I wish I could take my brain out of my head and run it under the tap.
Sally, I stole your underpants! Don, if you needed underpants, you could have just asked! I didn't need underpants, Sally! I took 'em because I'm weak, because I'm pathetic, because I'm a man.
And I couldn't resist touching something that had been so close to you.
Really? I'm so sorry.
I can't believe you, of all people, would come into my house and do something so damn swell! What? I thought we were on the outs, and then you go and do something so crazy and brave and really sweet! You know we're talking underpants here.
Here, Don.
Keep 'em.
And when you look at 'em, think of me.
Oh, here! Take the bra! It's a matching set, so god bless you! And tomorrow we'll work on chapter 7.
And, Kevin, I would appreciate it if you would not giggle every time I said homo Erectus.
[Giggling] Mary well, well, well, if it isn't ed Sullivan.
What happened last night? What happened?! I was just trying to give you something you never had.
An aneurysm? I just wanted to be the one to make your dream come true.
Oh, come on, Dick.
I could have been either a mediocre singer or a damn good college professor.
I think I made the right choice.
Sing for me.
What?! Sing for me, Mary.
Come on.
Just a few bars.
Dick, I have a classroom of students who are going to be here any minute! Don't worry.
I'll lock the door.
This is inappropriate! Dick, this is neither the time nor the place to do a-- oh, my.
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the golden tonsils of Marlena Albrecht.
There's a somebody I'm longing to see I hope that he turns out to be someone who'll watch over me oh! Mary! I'm so proud of you! You did make the right choice.
Hey, Harry.
What's goin' on? Oh, Tommy! What are you doing out? Uh, well, I just came by to get my hiking boots.
Norman and I were gonna go leaf collecting.
I'll go get 'em for you.
I can get 'em.
No! No! No! You sit down.
Well, look who's here! Hey, Sally! How you feelin'? I feel great.
You look great.
[Loudly] You want a drink or somethin'? Uh, uh, no, thanks.
What's going on around here? Oh, nothing you need to worry about.
You sit down.
Hey, everybody.
Hey, Dick.
Tommy, how you feelin'? Oh, I feel great.
You look great.
[Loudly] You want a drink or something? No.
Here are your boots, Tommy.
Oh, thanks.
[Loudly] Do you want a drink or somethin'? What, do I look thirsty? Maybe you should sit down.
Fine! Hey, tell us what happened with Albright.
[Loudly] Sure.
Tommy, we're gonna go out on the roof to talk.
Do you want to have the television on? No.
I'll just come.
No, no.
It's mission stuff.
You sit down.
Look! Wheel of fortune's on! That's one of your programs.
You know, I learned something today.
What? Every human being has dreams, but it takes real wisdom to know which ones to chase and which ones to let go.
I mean, look at Mary.
I'd rather not.
All right.
That's it.
I can't take it anymore.
I want back.
Well, I thought you liked eagle vista.
You know what? They keep the Tv too loud, it's too hot, everybody's on drugs.
It's just like a rave but without the babes.
But you seemed to be having so much fun.
Oh, I was atrophying.
It made me feel like an old man.
But that's what you are.
Yeah, but that's not how I feel.
At least I didn't until I retired.
This is what retirement does to you.
It makes you old.
Dick, I need my job back.
Can he do that?! It happens, but it's rare.
But it happens.
But it's rare.
Welcome back, Tommy.
Resume your duties.
Oh! Cool! Wait a second! But I got all this information! The zip code for Waukesha, Wisconsin--53186.
Gestation period for a wombat fetus-- 30 days.
Shut up, Harry.
In 1548, Sigismund I of Poland dies, succeeded by-- what's the matter, Dr.
Albright? I have the most immature class! We're studying Miocene man, and I'm discussing the migration of homo Erectus-- [Giggling] Every time I say homo Erectus-- [Laughing] They laugh! As if there were something funny about homo Erectus! [Laughing loudly] What are you laughing at?! Homo Erectus isn't a Miocene man! He's Pleistocene man! [Laughing]