3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - The Physics of Being Dick

She thinks she is all that, but she is not all that.
Oh, no, girlfriend, do not go there.
Do not go there! Oh, damn! She went there.
Well, I better get back to the station.
Time to go on duty? No.
I'm on duty.
It's time to punch out.
Well, I'll see you Thursday, Tommy, at career day.
Career day? What career day? I've heard nothing of this.
It's nothing, Dick.
It's just a bunch of bores blabbing on about what they do.
You wouldn't be interested.
Wait.
Dick not interested in talking about himself? I know! That's insane.
Oh, don't be silly, Tommy.
Once your classmates hear me speak, you'll be the toast of the school.
Are you kidding, Dick? You're a physics professor.
I mean, that's almost as dorky as I got nothing.
I'm stumped.
This is outrageous! I'm wise.
I'm revered.
And I work damn hard! Who do you think puts food on the table? I put it there.
I'm going with America's farmers.
There's food on the table? Oh, now, stop it.
If you people think it's so easy, why don't you get a job and work for a change? I'm glad that was a question and not an order.
Dick: it's an order! Well, I'm glad it's an order and not a direct order.
Dick: it's a direct order! I'm glad it's a direct order-- Dick: go get the want ads! Hey, guys.
Is Dick here? No.
I wanted to talk to him.
Why? Well, I'm looking for work.
There were some sweet gigs on the Pendleton research board, but I don't know which one to do, like here.
I can get 50 bucks if I let them rub solvents in my eyes.
Oh, Sally, that--That's not good.
Really? Well, I could sign up for the hornet sting study, but I didn't bring a swimsuit.
Dr.
Albright is looking for a research assistant.
Really?! Uh yes, but it's just grunt work.
I mean, it doesn't pay hornet study money.
Oh, that's Ok.
What do I have to do? Uh, well, I'm giving a talk next week at the faculty club.
Some Bolivian professors will be there, and I'm going to be discussing the culture of the Aymara Indians.
And I'm your date? No.
You're my fact checker.
You just go to the library and make sure all my information is accurate.
Hmm, I would've gone with the hornets.
Good morning, Mary.
Good morning.
Sally, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm doing some anthropology stuff for Albright.
You're what?! See ya, boss.
Well, that's just great! You never show any interest in physics! Well, Dick, there's good reason for that.
It's physics.
Like anthropology is so hot? I mean, sure, there's naked people, butonce you get past that, it's really just what? I don't know.
I can't get past the naked people.
You know how they say if you really want a job, it'll just fall right in your lap? Uh, no.
And how desperation is the surest road to success.
I never heard that.
Why do they say those things? Why? I'm not sure they do.
I fell for the lies.
Pounded the pavement, and now here I am.
There are no jobs for guys like me.
You know, I've been looking for a new bartender for a while now.
Do you mind, buddy? We're talking about my problems now.
I'm saying I need somebody to start today.
Uh, yeah.
Well, I guess you're out of luck.
Why, what do you got going on? I'm looking for a job, brainiac! Morning, class, I'm sorry I'm so late.
A funny thing happened today.
I learned that there is a, uh, A small group of people that doesn't find physics absolutely exhilarating.
Isn't that hilarious? Exactly.
So I was wondering, what drove you to take it? Well, uh, it's required.
And we want to graduate.
So that's all that brings you back to my class, a requirement? Not one of you yearns for a career in physics? Not one soul longs to make physics his lifework? Not one among you aspires to place physics-- Dr.
Solomon.
Leon, please, tell me you have to pee.
Guess what.
What? I found a mistake in your speech.
Oh.
Ok.
Let's hear it.
Ok.
This is so great.
Ok.
Here on page 2, you say there aren't any aymaran communities on the high plains, but dirkson's survey says there are.
No, there aren't.
Yeah, but Dirkson says there are.
All right.
Maybe there's one or two, but my point still stands.
No.
Ok, but Dirkson says-- forget Dirkson! Just go back there and concentrate on-- on place names and spellings and things like that.
Ok? Man, who died and made her Dirkson? Look, Sally, if you're gonna work for Dr.
Albright, there are a couple of things you need to understand.
One: she doesn't like to be corrected when she's wrong.
And two: she's often wrong.
Wait, wait.
So I shouldn't tell her her breath smells like a sock full of horseradish? I didn't.
But, hey, that's my boss.
I just can't please him.
Well, what are you gonna do? Exactly.
I just can't win.
Well, what are you gonna do? You said it.
You know, I got a family to think about.
What are you gonna do? Hey, you know you're right.
Tomorrow, I'm going down there, and I'm gonna tell him what he can do with his job.
Harry, thanks for listening.
Hey, what am I gonna do? Harry, I need a drink.
You and everyone else.
I got the whole town of Rutherford drinking again.
Harry! All right! What is wrong with this world? You dole out moonshine to a roomful of boozehounds and everybody loves you, while I shape young minds with the elegant laws of physics, and what do I get? Nothing.
Here's the deal, Dick.
Around here, a guy can't even give peach schnapps away.
But you put it in a pineapple glass, add a little umbrella, call it a shooter, I can't make 'em fast enough.
Harry, that's brilliant! You're saying I gotta give physics a little razzle-dazzle, right? Ok.
Of course! This is the nineties.
Kids want what's cool.
They want the latest, the here and now.
They want the Fonz! Ayyy! What are you gonna do? I'm going to career day! All right! You do that! What an idiot.
Harry, did some joker put my number up on the men's room wall? Ooh, I don't think so.
Well, be a doll and put it up there, will ya before that big guy with the beard takes a leak? Hi.
Am I interrupting? No.
Come in.
What's wrong? Find another mistake? No.
Nothing.
Really? Really.
I went through it with a fine-tooth comb.
This baby is gold.
Great.
What about the population of circuata? I was just guessing on it.
That was a guess? You nailed it! Well, I've always been pretty good with trends in that part of the hemisphere.
Listen, I gotta tell you, after reading Dirkson, your stuff was refreshing.
But substantial, like, uh, Gatorade, but with meat in it.
Sally, let me buy you lunch.
We can go to the oak room.
The oak room? You deserve a treat.
Well, I spent the day with your speech.
I think I've had my treat.
Dear god! They have chocolate cheesecake.
Of course, I should probably just apply it directly to my thighs.
Ha ha ha ha ha ha! That's, oh, so funny! Oh, yeah.
All right.
Step right up, kids, and meet the girls of physics.
Each and every one of them a bundle of mass and energy.
Are you really a licensed bikini inspector? Uh, kind of.
I'm a physics professor, you understand? Now, friends, let me tell you about a little thing called physics.
You know what makes a car go fast? Physics.
And you know what makes a curve ball curve? Why, physics! And you know what's got me standing here instead of floating out the window like a puff of smoke? Inertia, with a capital "I.
" That rhymes with pi, and that starts with "p," and that stands for physics.
Your father is an insult to this entire school.
I don't see your dad here.
Uh, my dad is performing open-Heart surgery right now.
Oh, couldn't cut it as a brain surgeon? Now, let me tell you about something that's really hot.
Inasmuch as "e" equals cosine "m" plus "I" sine "m," we get arbitrary values of the separation constant "P.
" Now, watch this.
I'm sorry I'm late, kids, but I was involved in one of the world's scariest police chases.
How'd it end? The guy got away.
Ohhh! But I rolled my car.
Cool! Cool! Oh, man, I want to be a cop.
It's not all glamour, kids, but it's mostly glamour.
Oh, and, uh, guns.
Cool! Cool! And what makes that policeman's gun so cool? Physics! Kinetic energy generates the velocity with which the bullet exits the barrel, while the ballistic coefficient and sectional density determine the damage to its targets.
Guns don't kill people.
Physics kills people! Oohhh.
Ohh! [Snaps fingers] Tony! Dick, I told you, you shouldn't have come to career day.
Oh, when we first came to this planet, I could've gotten any job.
Cowboy, rock star, international superspy.
Why did I choose physics? Dick, you know what they say.
When life gives you lemons, just shut up and eat the damn lemons.
Well, I've had it.
I renounce physics and all its uses and applications, including conservation of momentum.
Whoo hoo hoo.
I'm out.
I'm out.
Hey, guys.
Hey.
Yo, dubie.
Give me a margarita, Harry.
What about your job? I'm on the job right now, baby.
Rocks, no salt.
Are you telling me that Mary's presentation is already perfect? Well, she thinks it is, and I'm getting paid not to argue.
Ka-Ching! [Ding] You got lucky, damn you.
I'll tell you the secret.
You just pucker up, vapor-lock onto your boss' butt, and hold on.
No independent thought required.
In fact, it just gets in your way.
Free thinkers die in the dirt like dogs, Sally.
Here's your booze.
Sally.
Dubie, my hollow-legged lady friend.
One-eyed jimmy's gonna go out back and fight a midget.
You wanna watch? Yeah.
Let's go.
Citizens.
Ah, what'll it be, officer? Oh, I'm just in the neighborhood checking things out.
You got it.
One free cheeseburger.
Don't be stingy with the onions.
Harry, I'd like a free cheeseburger.
You got it.
That'll be 6 bucks.
Oh! That's it! I want a new job! A job that comes with respect, stature, and free cheeseburgers.
I want your job.
Dick, you don't know the first thing about being a cop.
It's a gritty job where a good day is one where you come home alive.
Isn't that pretty much a good day for anyone? [Police radio chatter] I gotta go back to the station.
They're bringing in a suspect.
Hey, Don, I want to go.
I want to hold a gun and flash a badge.
I don't know, Dick.
It's illegal, it's dangerous, and it violates the sacred oath I took when I joined the force.
So don't tell anyone.
Let's go! All right, Dick.
We're gonna go in there.
We're gonna do a little thing we like to call "good cop, bad cop.
" You're good cop.
I'm down with that.
I'm glad.
All right, here we go.
Hi, Jonesy, I'm Dick.
I like your shirt.
So, you say that you didn't rob any gas station.
Right, Jonesy? Yeah.
Right.
Now, I-- I believe you, but the thing is you're scum! I find chunks of you in my puke! So don't you jerk me around! Dick! We'll be right back.
You're supposed to be good cop.
I am! You're raising the bar too high.
You know how bad I have to be now? Real bad! I couldn't help myself.
Why don't you be good cop? That way, I can go as big as I want.
Ok, I'll be good cop.
Oh, well, you'll have to, uh, excuse my partner.
He's got a real mean streak, butI want to help you out.
See, I know that you're a nice-- oh! We'll be right back.
What's the matter with you? I'm always good cop.
This was my one chance to be bad cop.
But I'm a bad good cop.
You're not even a cop! Well, can't we both be bad cop? But the whole concept is-- oh, whatever.
Now I want answers! And I really want answers! Thank you for inviting me to your conference.
How do I look? You look fine.
I love Bolivian men.
They're like Hondurans without all the attitude.
Good afternoon, ladies.
Oh, Dr.
Albright, what a great suit! Well, thank you, Sally.
Sally, you smell like jagermeister.
Somebody spilled it on me in the library.
Well, once again, I was completely unnecessary.
If I didn't know any better, I'd swear you were a moron.
Aymaran.
Aymaran.
Come on.
We're your friends.
You did it, right? No.
Come on.
You can tell us.
No.
I didn't do it.
Well, so much for good cop, good cop.
There's no such thing! I told you, there's only one permutation that works.
Ok.
I have this idea.
Sad cop, somewhat effeminate cop.
Get out! Go home, Dick.
You are not cop material.
I have to be! It's not you.
It's just not you.
You're right.
Apparently, I was put on this earth to bore a bunch of unreceptive dimwits to the end of my days.
It's my lot in life.
Well, I think we both learned something today.
Let's have lunch sometime.
Look.
Why don't you just let me go? Because I know you did it, Jonesy! You jumped the fence, and you stole the money.
But you got no proof.
Besides, I couldn't jump that fence.
It's physically impossible.
Physically impossible? That's where you're wrong.
You may not have much respect for the law, Jonesy, but there's one law that you can't break: coulomb's third law of universal gravitation.
What? It states that the force between 2 objects is proportional to the algebraic products of their respective charges, as well as proportional to the inverse square of the distance between them! But of course, you knew that, didn't you, Jonesy? Not--not all of it.
You're object "x," and the fence is object "Y.
" Now, where "v" is the velocity of the 2 objects, and "r" is the distance between them, and "e" is a unit vector directed from the first object to the second, we see that the fence proved little challenge.
WellI guess.
You guess! I bet you guess.
And so we see that "x" equals zero as "y" approaches infinity! That's how you avoided the security camera.
That's how you managed to get back over the fence.
That's how they found you exactly 1.
3 miles from the crime scene, proving that you and only you could have perpetrated this heinous crime! There's the proof! Ok! Ok! Ok! You got me! I did it! I did it! My god! What kind of a cop are you? I'm not a cop! I'm a physics professor! Of course, my dad didn't say anything.
He never did.
And how did that make you feel, Chet? Angry.
Worthless.
Oh.
But you know that's not true, now, don't you, Chet? Yeah.
Yeah, I do.
All right! [Sighs] Well [Ding] Happy hour's over, Chet.
But I think we made some real progress.
I feel better.
Yeah.
And just remember don't stop drinking.
Thanks, Harry.
All right, buddy.
Line 'em up, Harry.
No, Harry.
Dr.
Albright, we should take you home now.
No, Nina.
I have brain cells that will remember this evening, and I want them destroyed! Hey, Dr.
Albright, how did your talk go? How did my talk go? Let's see.
First of all, the Bolivians were highly amused when I confused the name of their president with the word for kayak.
But they stopped laughing when in their native tongue, I welcomed them to my womany place and told them I told them there was room for everyone! Tell her how you told them that their country was A shining example of goat death.
I hope this isn't in any way my fault.
It's all your fault! You were supposed to check these things! You're absolutely right.
I let you down completely.
Yes, you did! What were you thinking? I have no excuse.
It's just--it's just really intimidating when you work for for what? Say it.
A bitch?! No.
A genius! Well, that's nice, but I'm a professional, and I expect other people to be professional with me.
Of course you do.
God, what have I done? I've let down the brightest woman alive! Oh, god! [Sobbing] Oh, Sally.
Don't beat yourself up.
Let me buy you a drink.
Margarita, rocks, no salt.
Harry! [Ding] And so, using coulomb's third law, I was able to prove that he did it.
What does that have to do with it? Nothing.
All I proved was that he's rotating around the sun.
But he didn't know that.
That's the wonderful thing about physics.
Nobody understands it.
So you can use your knowledge to bully people into submission.
Well, that's the plan.
As long as America's educational system remains woefully inadequate, I rule.
Yes, you really do.
What you do is amazing.
Thank you, Sally.
Sometimes I wish you were dead so they could put you on a stamp.
Sally, you're not kissing my butt, are you? A man of your stature? I wouldn't dare.
Well, good.
Here's 20 bucks.
Thanks.
Captioned by the national now that you're feeling better about your career again, do I have to keep working at the bar? Oh, no, Harry.
Oh, good.
There's just too much pressure.
All those people and their problems.
No.
There's too much pressure in the soda gun.
You could put an eye out.
Why do you think they call him one-eyed jimmy? Wait.
He lost his eye from soda? Yeah.
Root beer.
No wonder he's angry.
I would be.
So how was the fight? Oh, short.