3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Sally and Don's First Kiss

Ha ha ha ha ha! Ohh-ho! Thanks, Don.
I had such a great time.
Oh, me, too.
It's been so long since we've been on Adate date.
Yeah.
I'm so glad we decided to skip the movie and head straight for the firing range.
You are some shot, Sally.
Aww.
I was just tryin' to scare him.
You know, if if they put your face on these targets, Sally, no man would ever take a shot at it.
Not with a gun.
Oh, Don.
What are you doing? What am I doing? I'm--I'm trying to kiss you, Sally.
Uh-huh.
That would explain the lips coming at me.
What's the problem, Sally? Problem? What problem? We've been going together for over 2 years, Sally, and we've never kissed.
Not once.
We haven't? Are you sure? Believe me, I've been keeping track.
If we had, I'd know.
Kiss me, Sally.
Kiss me for all the times our lips have been razor close but never met.
Just like that? I don't know.
This is all happening so fast.
Nothing is happening fast, Sally.
If this relationship were a snail, it would be mocked by the other, faster snails.
Uh--uh, I just need a little more time.
Take all the time in the world.
Thanks.
How about now? Not yet.
I was only kidding.
What about now? I said not yet! I'm joking! It's a joke.
It's a joke.
You mean you've never kissed Don before? No.
No.
Never? No wonder you're so crabby.
Shut up, load.
There's nothing wrong with taking your time.
Harry: yeah.
Give her a break.
If I were Sally, I wouldn't kiss Don, either.
You wouldn't? I would.
Me, too, in a second.
What's stopping you? I don't know.
I really care about Don.
It's just that the--the moment didn't seem right.
It didn't seem special.
But why, muffin? Action is action.
I say French the guy.
Part of me wants to.
It's just-- it feels like there's something missing.
I think I know what it is.
Have you tried kissin'? I don't understand.
I mean, Don and I have such a great time together.
Just last night we staked out the laundromat for 6 hours.
Oh, the guy with the slugs is back.
Oh.
That sounds so nice.
But I think you may be missing an essential part of the human experience.
What? Romance.
Romance? Don't worry.
Everything you need to know about it can be found in the writings of the world's greatest authority on the subject.
"The gates of windemere, by Frank Shakespeare.
" The Frank Shakespeare?! The Frank Shakespeare.
Oh! Thank you, Dick.
Thank you! What did you get, Nina? The lunch special.
Ah.
Soup and salad.
I was thinking of getting that.
Mary, what are you getting? The special, Dick.
Not the grilled cheese? That's a nice sandwich.
Just pick something.
Today.
My croutons are sinking.
[Whimpering] Get the special, Dick.
You always get the special.
Just get the special! One special, please.
I guess there's no turning back now.
I've made my choice.
Oh, my god, they have Salisbury steak! Next! One, uh lunch special, please.
Are you sure? I've only worked here for 26 years.
[Register drawer slams shut] Who had the lunch special? Oh, for god's sakes, Dick, what's done is done! No, no, I'm talking about the price.
How much was it? Hmm.
That's strange.
[Yelps] She charged me for crackers.
And one of them is broken! "This city in Pennsylvania" Pennsylvania.
"Is home of the liberty bell.
" Libertytown! Hey.
Let's focus, people.
This is our final exam.
I didn't sit through night school for 3 months not to get my diploma.
No! You did it as part of your plea bargain.
Untrue! Oh, well.
Hey! Hey, hey.
Calm down.
Now, what kind of test is this? Multiple choice.
Oh! It's multiple-- then your approach is all wrong.
Multiple choice is a matter of patterns and balances.
Forget everything you know.
Knowledge is your enemy.
It's only gonna make you second-Guess yourself.
Sally, reading: "her bosoms heaved against the flimsy cotton "of her gown.
"He was about to have his way with her, and she was about to let him.
" Hey, Sally.
I'm reading.
That's all.
Can't a girl read? Yeah.
Whatever.
Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi-- Ohhh.
Love's delicate thunder.
Forbidden love is always the sweetest, isn't it? Oh, yeah.
But that hunter Carlton is trouble through and through.
But, Mrs.
Dubcek, how could you judge him so harshly? I know he's gruff and insolent and makes women cry for sport, but is there a more handsome or tortured soul in all of spencerville? No.
Mrs.
Dubcek, I've been such a fool! Don's been waiting so patiently for me, and all the while I've been disregarding his manly needs.
What's wrong with me? Nothing that a pint of bourbon and a cheap motel room won't fix.
Yes.
You're right.
I will kiss him.
I will kiss him.
Mary! Mary! Listen.
Mary! I've polled everybody in the faculty lounge, and-- no, don't tell me.
No one else is being charged for crackers.
That's right! So it's become a campus-wide issue, has it? No.
It's just that you won't stop talking about it.
I'm telling you, Mary, that woman has it in for me.
Maybe it's all in your head.
I used to think there was a hidden camera in the ladies' room.
Eventually, I dismantled the ceiling tiles and found nothing.
I think I've said too much.
It's not in my head.
I have the receipt.
Maybe she just doesn't like you.
Not like me? Hoo-hoo! Not likely.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You're Dr.
Solomon.
You're loved by all.
Thank you, Mary.
That's all right.
I can't believe it.
I failed.
I believe it.
You suck.
Wait a second.
You failed, too, Mrs.
DeGUZMAN.
We all failed.
Wait a minute.
This is the callback sheet for pippin.
Oh! Here are the grades.
Wha-- we passed! We all passed! Oh, yes! Ohh! Get off me! [Humming] Nice weapon, officer.
Sally, narrating: I'd barely laid eyes on him, and yet I was already enveloped by the hot flash of his manly presence.
Sally! What are you doing here? You're not supposed to be here.
I know.
It's forbidden, like our love.
Wait.
You didn't come here to watch me do my business, did you? Hush, Don.
I'll answer your questions, all of them, but not here.
Not now.
Well, then when, Sally? When the crescent moon slices through the clouds like a saber through the strings of a bodice.
Help me out.
Is that Tuesday? Friday? I beg of you, I must go now.
Everything you need to know is in here.
Be patient, my love.
The wait is almost over.
Sally: "meet me at Rutherford bluffs tonight.
[Laughs]" Ohh, how cute! Say hello to your wife for me.
Hello, Lucy.
May I say you're looking absolutely stunning today.
Yeah, I've been working out.
What do you got? One banana and, uh a little bowl of pea soup.
Is that everything? Yes, that'll do it.
Oh, and a, uh a pack of crackers.
[Heart beating] [Rings up register] [Yelps] So it's true! You hate me! Sally, narrating: the cool air embraced the trees like a desperate lover.
A more perfect night I couldn't have hoped for.
[Bushes rustling] And then, he appeared out of nowhere, breathless in anticipation.
[Panting] Sally, why do we have to meet all the way up here? I'm a cop, not a goat.
Sally, narrating: his chiseled features mocked me with their perfection.
Oh, where had I ever found the strength to resist him for this long? Have you got a handkerchief? I'm sweatin' like a pig.
I can't stand it any longer! Kiss me, Don.
Kiss me like you've always wanted but never could.
Now, Don, now! Oh, mama! It's my breath, isn't it? No, Don, it's not that.
All the fire in you is gone, Sally.
What's the matter? What is it? Uh, well, it's because, uh Dick died.
Dick died?! No.
I'm just tired.
Let's just go.
I can't go, Sally.
You threw my hat up into the tree, and if I don't get it back, I'm out 40 bucks.
Let's go.
I did it! I did it! I passed my G.
E.
D.
You are looking at a high school equivalency diploma guy.
That's great, Harry.
How'd you pull it off? By following my man Tommy's advice to the nines.
Couple of "all of the above," not too many "none of the aboves," easy on the Cs, heavy on the Ds Harry and Tommy: and don't be stingy with the As.
Did you even read the questions? Not this time, baby.
At least something nice is happening to one of the Solomons.
Yes, it is.
One of the Solomons is in great pain.
Mmm, well, I'm on cloud nine.
The lady in the cafeteria doesn't like me! What'd you do? Nothing! I barely said Well, Dick, I have an idea.
Why don't you try going to high school? Everyone hates you.
You don't ask why.
Everyone just hates you.
And that's a good thing? Yeah.
It teaches you not to give a rat's ass.
Lucy, if I didn't know better, I'd say these flowers are for you.
Now, uh, before we proceed, may I offer you, uh, a stick of gum? Opera tickets? A spanking-new umbrella? I could use an umbrella.
Done! Now, uh all I have is, uh this soup.
Fine.
That'll be 1.
50.
And a, uh a pack of crackers, which I can't imagine there could be any charge for, given our amply demonstrated cordiality.
Plus a quarter for the crackers.
No! It's not fair! Why? What do you have against me? Something about you rubs me the wrong way.
That's it? Oh, come on! Hate me for my brilliance.
Hate me for my arrogance.
Hate me for my catlike dexterity.
But you can't hate me just because.
Just watch me.
Crackers, 25 cents.
Brewskis! Thanks.
Wow.
I never thought I'd actually graduate.
Me neither.
We've been through so much together.
for a lifetime.
Hey.
You remember that crazy time I came to class without a pen? Oh, man.
Were you out of luck.
Hey! Tommy! The man with the plan.
Dude! A toast to Tommy.
A toast to Tommy.
Hey, you want to join the party? Oh, this party.
Uh, I can't.
I gotta study.
But, hey, you guys can relate to that, huh? Do we ever.
Never again.
I've come to think of you boys as my sons.
My unemployed loser sons.
Go get a job! Ha ha ha ha ha! I'm gonna miss you, lady.
Sally.
Oh, Don.
Thanks for coming.
I'm so glad you called.
After last night-- about last night, I know what went wrong.
You do? Yes.
I picked the wrong book.
I should have gone for something less Gothic, a little more contemporary.
Romance novels? What are you reading these for? I just wanted to put some romance into our relationship, Don.
No kiss could live up to these books.
I mean, this is real life.
We don't need some windswept mountain.
We should be able to kiss anywhere, anytime.
Right now, for instance.
Here? Yeah.
In the kitchen, in the afternoon? Sure.
With the dirty dishes? Right on.
Ok.
Uh, should I stand? No, I'll sit.
Maybe we should stand.
Ok.
Ok.
All right, then.
Ok, let's do it! Ok, here goes.
So what do you want to do for the rest of the day? I don't know.
Kill myself? Then I asked her why she didn't like me, and she didn't have any reason at all.
Does she need a reason? ' Cause I could help her out.
I was just Sayin'.
How can she hate me? I did nothing to her.
You know, Dick, no one's gonna love you all the time.
But how can I live with that? I can't even go in the cafeteria.
So you're just going to let this woman control your life? No.
Just the lunch part.
My favorite part.
Dick, you can't let her do this.
So she doesn't like you.
Big deal.
If you don't let it bother you, then she has no power over you.
Power.
Power is given.
Control is taken.
Take control! You know, you're right.
This is about power.
She likes watching me squirm.
If I don't squirm, she's got nothing.
Exactly.
Oh, Mary, you're so wise.
You know so much about this.
Tons of people must hate you.
Oh, stop.
You're embarrassing me.
Are, uh are these free? Quarter apiece.
All right, ring me up.
[Change jingles] What are you doing? I'm celebrating my liberation from caring how you feel about me.
See, you're not gonna ruin any more of my days.
I win.
So, please, ring me up.
Because I've got a purse full of quarters here and a hankering for crackers.
That should cover it.
If there's any extra buy yourself some crackers.
We've become a real posse the three of us.
I don't know how I'm gonna face the world without you guys.
I'm scared, man.
No.
We can't be.
We have to embrace the future.
But it's so hard.
Ohhh.
What's wrong, honey? I have to do the hardest thing I've ever done in my entire life.
I have to tell my boyfriend it's over, and I don't want to.
But you must.
You will feel better when it's over, sweetie.
You're right, Mrs.
DeGUZMAN.
I've got to do it.
Thank you.
Wow.
That was really sweet, Mrs.
D.
Nah.
I just want her to leave.
She's a bummer.
Absolutely.
[Thunder] Ah, women.
I don't get 'em, chance.
[Sighs] Must be easy bein' a horse.
They bring in the lady horse.
No talking.
You both know why she's there.
Of course, people watch you.
You got Nothin' to be ashamed of.
You got the horse situation.
Sally.
What are you doing here? I had to see you, Don.
I haven't been able to sleep all night.
It's only 7 P.
M.
, Sally.
We have to talk.
I know what's coming, so make it fast.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I-- I--I hate myself for feeling this way, but-- but I need more.
More? You don't know what more is.
No, that's not true, Don-- No, I'm gonna do the talkin', and you're gonna do the listenin', so just sit down.
What's come over you, Don? You're being so gruff.
I'm afraid.
[Thunder] Now, listen, Sally.
I may not be the perfect man.
I may never make the cover of pretty boy magazine.
But I'm Don Leslie Orville.
And, Ok, telling you my middle name just now probably really didn't help my cause.
But if you want to have a relationship with me, it can't be when I'm just flashing my badge or shooting a gun.
It has to be with the whole me, with the 24-hour me, with the me I'm always gonna be whether I like it or not.
Oh, Don.
Oh, Don what? Oh, Don Don.
Sally.
If you're gonna rip my heart out, you better reach in now and pull it out fast, because in one second, you're gonna be wearin' my lips for good.
Captioned by the national