3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - When Aliens Camp

Wait.
The police have their own car wash? Oh, Don, I'd love to.
Oh, this could be fun for tonight.
The Rutherford museum is presenting their titanic exhibit.
They're unveiling a tank of water from where the doomed liner went down.
I'm on the phone.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought that you-- no, it's nobody.
It's just Dick.
What's for lunch? I didn't make anything.
All right, I'm off to the gyro stand.
Oh, Harry, Harry, it's gyros.
You know, if one more person tells me how to pronounce it, I'm just gonna stop eating 'em.
Harry, stay here.
We can order pizza and eat it all together.
See you guys later.
Wait.
Where are you going? The arcade.
Oh, that sounds like fun.
Let's all go.
Have fun.
I'm staying home.
That's it.
Family meeting! Family meeting! You're not family.
Get out! What was that about? Don't you see what's happening here? We're not spending any time together.
What about last week when we went to the plumbing supply store? That was an emergency.
Oh sure, throw that back in my face.
We're all going off in different directions.
We're becoming a fragmented crew and a lousy family.
Yeah, but that happened, like, months ago.
I thought we were all Ok with that.
You know, I'm still the leader of this so-called family, and what I say goes.
Fine.
What do you have to say? We're spending this weekend together as a family.
Great! I'll call Don.
No, no, no, no! That's the whole point! We're going out and doing something together.
Family only.
Well, like what? Oh, I-I don't know.
Like these people.
Look how much fun they're having.
What are they doing? Um, eating cereal? No, but what are they doing? It's called camping, Dick.
Camping! That's it.
We're doing camping! Going camping.
We're going camping! Bottle opener? That'll be useful.
A saw? God knows-- god knows we'll use that.
A scissors? Get out of town! Oh, that swiss army.
Yeah, when they get in the game, they are ready to play.
Sweet lord! A toothpick! Nina, have you got anything stuck in your teeth that I can assist you with? No, thanks.
I'm good.
Oh.
That's a shame.
Now, Nina, if you need to reach me for anything this weekend, I'll be unreachable.
I'm going camping with my family.
Mm-hmm.
That's nice.
Now, before you ask, I'm going to have to tell you--no.
No what? No, you can't come along.
I hate camping.
I'm sorry, Nina, but I'm afraid that's going to have to be final.
You see, as head of my household, I've made an executive decision.
It's going to be just me and my family.
We're going camping all weekend.
You're going camping? Yes.
Just me and my family.
Ohh, I love camping.
My folks and I went every summer.
You did? Oh, yeah.
Dad and I would wake up every morning early to go blueberry picking.
And then mom would shake off her hangover and throw some blueberries in the pancakes and some in her bloody Mary.
What happy, beautiful memories.
Oh, I'd love to go back up there sometime.
The fresh air, the starry skies.
A sleeping bag for 2.
A brisk dip in a babbling brook.
Clothing optional.
And then, go hiking, collect some leaves.
Leaves clinging to our wet, gleaming buttocks.
Excuse me? Oh, Mary, come with us! Oh, Dick, I can't.
I've got-- oh, please, please.
Really? Are you sure? Of course I'm sure.
You know what? Yes! I'm gonna go for it.
I'm gonna go air out my sleeping bag.
Yes! Yes! Uh, Dr.
Solomon, I really hate to mention this, but didn't you-- Nina, I'll say it one last time.
You cannot come! Dick, I gotta tell you, I was kinda mad with this whole "family only" thing, but I'm starting to have fun.
Oh, good.
But, uh, you know, when I say family only, I'm speaking in the larger sense of, uh, the family of man, which could include, say, uh, Mary, if you think about it.
What? Morning, campers! Hi, Mary.
Here you go! Oh, crap! I'll go get the rest of my stuff.
She's coming? Well, you're the one who took her backpack.
Now we have to bring her.
But you told me I couldn't bring Don.
I know what I said.
But if Don were here, it would be a different story.
You can't penalize Mary for Don's lack of initiative.
I am out! Me, too! Screw this.
Sally, get in the back and sit down! That's an order! Mary is coming with us, and I will not tolerate any complaints.
Ok, I'm ready.
Where should I put this? Oh, just throw it in the back.
Ow! Whoo! Ow! Oh! Oh, Dick! It's beautiful up here.
Not now, Mary.
I think that pine cone bit me.
I cannot believe people get out of a comfortable bed at the crack of dawn to come out here and sleep on dirt.
I think it hearkens back to the early days when people were, you know, idiots.
Hey, what's that? It's our tent.
We're not all gonna fit in there.
We have to set it up, goober! Maybe I can be of some help.
Do you know where your guide pole is? Uh, yeah, he's over there.
Trying to suck the venom out of his pine cone bite.
Let's see.
If each one of us takes a corner-- uh, you know what, Albright? What? I think we can manage.
Ok.
Uh, if you need me, I'll be over here, setting up my tent.
Like she can help us.
Right.
Ok! Who wants to go say hello to some trees? Oh, I will! I love trees.
Uh, Dick? Can I talk to you for a sec? What are you doing? You drag us up here in the middle of nowhere and then you skip off with your girlfriend to talk to trees? Yeah, we need some help here.
Well, so does Mary.
I mean, look around.
She can't greet all these trees on her own.
Mary.
Mary! Mary: Dick! This is reprehensible behavior.
How the hell are we going to set this thing up? Ok.
I think I saw how she did it.
Man, we're gonna die.
Hey, check it out.
Those 2 dragonflies are doin' it.
I wish I was a dragonfly.
So you could be doin' it? No.
So I could fly my ass outta here.
Ohh! Did you see that, gang? Now, that was a cast.
I'm really impressed.
Genius.
You know, I'm just getting a little bit fed up with your negative attitude.
Well, I'm getting fed up with the lack of lunch.
When are you gonna catch a fish? I already did.
Uh, Dick? Albright's fish ate your fish.
It's the circle of life.
[Gunshots] Harry, what was that? I don't know.
I just bent over to dig up some worms and these fat guys in orange vests started shooting at me.
Oh, my god, Harry.
You've gotta be more careful.
They probably thought you were a-- here we go.
More woodsy wisdom from Albright of the jungle.
Harry, sit down.
Let's all sing that nice song about rowing your boat down the stream.
Tommy: aw, man.
I don't want to.
Just sing the freakin' song, all right? Row, row, row your boat gently down the stream merrily Mary: row, row, row your boat gently down the stream merrily, merrily merrily, merrily, life-- What are you doing? Joining in.
Well, you're a little late.
That how you sing it.
It's called a round.
Oh, please.
Sally, we're out in the woods.
This is supposed to be fun.
Fun? First you force us to come up here, and then she weasels her way in.
Weasel.
Dick invited me.
I didn't weasel.
Weasel.
Tommy: wait a minute.
You invited her? You didn't tell them? Hey, I think the bass are getting jumpy.
Lines in! Oh, this is just great.
Hey, Mary, wait! Weasel.
Harry, enough with the weasel.
No! Weasel! That fish really looks delicious, Mary.
Well, our dinner's almost ready.
Harry, I'm not eating that.
Oh, why, puddin'? 'Cause it doesn't have butter or sour cream? No.
'Cause it's a rock.
Look at how smug she is with her homemade tartar sauce.
Maryuh here.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
That was so big of you, Mary.
I could really go for a nice end cut there if you have some.
Say, guys.
How about throwing a little of that bass my way? [Sneering] Hey, Mary.
You know how we can smooth things over? What say you and me go into your tent and flatten some grass? Go to hell.
Ha ha ha ha.
Say, guys.
Now that we've got that monkey off our backs, we can get down to some really serious family fun, huh? Oh, I see how it's going to be! You don't need me? Well, I don't need you.
You hear me? I don't need you! You hear me? All: shut up! Fine.
Fine.
As long as you heard me.
Uhh! Aah! Couldn't sleep a wink.
There was a big rock under my foot.
That's funny.
I couldn't sleep 'cause there was a big foot on my head.
[Gunshots] Hey.
Hi.
How's the blueberry picking going? Well, I didn't get as many as I like on account of those guys are still shooting at me.
Maybe you need a license to pick blueberries.
That might be it.
Good morning.
[All grunt] Nice day.
Wa-hoo.
Look.
Obviously, this isn't working, so why don't you just go get Dick and we'll go home? Fine.
Go get him.
I don't have him.
I thought he was with you.
He's not with us.
Where is he? Hmm.
Well, we got nothing to go on except for our best guesses and this lengthy note from Dick.
"Dear ungrateful family "and sexy but vindictive lover.
"Since you have shunned me, I have decided to leave.
You won't have Dick Solomon to kick around anymore.
" He just walked out on us? Weasel! Aah! No.
It's just an expression.
"Let's see how you do without my leadership.
"Of course, I won't be there to see it, "but I am confident you'll fail.
Ha ha! Good-bye forever, Dick.
" Ok, listen up, people.
What we got here is a missing camper.
We're gonna check every outhouse, doghouse, and henhouse in a 5-mile radius.
What about just a house? Shut up! Albright, you guard the camp.
Oh, now, look, I think I might be of some help here.
Look maybe you can catch a bass or toss a tent, but when it comes to search and rescue, I'm in charge of the troops.
Fine.
I just want to point out that your troops are standing in poison sumac.
So? They're not eating it, are they? Waking up alone in the forest.
My lungs full of fresh air, my hair touched with dew, my body lashed to the ground with ropes, my nose full of-- wait, what was that last one? My body's lashed to the ground with ropes! Hey! [All shouting] Somebody poke him! No, no, no! Stop! Who are you? What are you doing to me? We're beaver scouts.
And we're poking you! All: yeah! No! No! Where's your beaver supervisor? Mr.
Hagen? He's sleeping off a 12-pack in the canoe.
I am a high commander, and I order you to untie me! You're a high commander? I'm the high commander! High commander of what? Well, I'm between gigs at the moment.
But I promise you that I am.
Prove it! Yeah.
Shoot down a helicopter.
Untie me, and I just might.
How? I have an acute knowledge of thermodynamics and gyroscopic motion.
Yeah! Cool! Bitchin'! Yes! Get the arms first, will you? Dick! Dick! Dick! Hello.
Albright, what are you doing here miles from the campsite? Yeah, with your tent and our tent and the lake-- and we just went in a big-Ass circle, didn't we? Yup.
[Gunshots] My tree disguise sure ain't working.
I told you you were going in the wrong direction.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did.
Then which way'd he go? All right, his footprints went off that way, and then they veered up north towards the ridge.
Sally, would you like to lead the way? No.
I think you should take the point.
Most of the dangerous work is in the flank, so let's go.
Hold on.
Harry, take off your coat.
Harry, put your coat back on.
Scout masters, families, girlfriends! All: eww! Yeah, it's all the same.
Just a bunch of whiny voices trying to tell you what's right and wrong.
Blah, blah, blah! All: blah, blah, blah! Well, no more! Now, you listen only to me.
The leaders you've had before were weak, gutless.
They had nothing to teach you except the same old blah, blah, blah! All: blah, blah, blah! Look around you, boys.
I declare this our new kingdom.
Here is where we will make our stand.
Here, where we are truly free! All: blah, blah, blah! No, I was trying to make a serious point there.
Oh.
Sorry.
Yeah.
We just got swept up.
Hey, you guys, wait up.
I got a blister.
Oh, here.
Let me take a look.
Why? You never seen a blister before? I have some aloe.
That should help.
No, I don't need any-- oh, that's kinda good.
I played field hockey in college, and I used to get a blister in exactly the same spot.
This always made it feel better.
You're not gonna try to kiss me, are you? So, you really played field hockey? Yeah.
See this scar? Courtesy of laura parker, cheap shot.
Wow.
What'd you do? Dropped my stick and opened her up like a melon.
You know what, you're pretty tough for a prissy little bookworm.
Thank you.
You should know, Sally, that the last thing I wanted to do was intrude on your family weekend.
Oh, that's all right.
The last thing I wanted to do was have a family weekend.
Want to keep looking for Dick? If for no other reason than to kick his ass.
Hey, guys.
Check out these berries we found down by the stream.
Oh, my god, Tommy.
You didn't eat these, did you? These are finch berries.
They make coffee beans look like sedatives.
Let's go! Dick! Dick? Hey, you guys, can you give Harry another berry? He's drooling on my shoulder.
Oh, yeah.
Chasing that trout upstream really wiped him out.
Halt! This is a secured area! You are not authorized.
Oh, look at them.
Aren't they cute! Oh, man! You ever been with an admiral? Ehh, hey, hey.
Uh, ease up there, little fella.
We're looking for a tall, disoriented-looking middle-Aged guy.
Have you seen him? Are you talking about the king of the revolution? Oh, god, I hope not.
Next time, bring me creamy.
Would you like the jelly? What flavor is the jelly? Grape.
The horror.
The horror.
Scout: we got prisoners! Bring them in! Keep it movin'.
Move, move, move! Second scout: come on! Tommy: uh, Dick? What the hell are you doing? I'm creating a new society.
Our society.
I call it dicksylvania.
And you just crossed the borders.
Yeah! Go on, kids.
Tie 'em down and poke 'em with the sticks.
You touch me with that, I make you look like a corn dog.
Ok, men, regroup.
Seriously, Dick let's get going, huh? Oh, no! No, you shunned me! No.
These are my people now.
We're staying in these woods forever.
Forever? Forever.
Yeah, but it's only half an hour till hamburger time back at camp.
No, no.
We're gonna kill a boar, remember? We can eat for a week! We got school on Monday, ya moron! Hey, I thought we agreed that school was for, you know, fools.
Fools? You're the one with peanut butter on his face.
Let's go.
It was fun till he took his pants off.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! What about our-- the plans for-- the world we-- the cool fort? Scouts: blah, blah, blah! Well, this is probably a long shot, but did you bring my bathrobe? And maybe some handi wipes? Let's get out of here.
Oh, wait a minute.
You haven't seen our cool latrine.
You--you-- Harry! Ugh! You got your trout in my peanut butter.
Your peanut butter got on my trout.
Not bad.
Not bad.
All right, let me get this straight.
You disobeyed your own orders, invited Albright into what you knew would be a hostile environment, alienated everyone, and then you stomped off into the woods where you became a jungle overlord.
Well, it's a mistake every man makes sooner or later.
I learned my lesson.
Yeah, right.
But you have to admit I did orchestrate a hugely successful weekend.
How do you figure that? Well, through a series of apparently lame-Brained orders and seemingly selfish strategies, I managed to lead this family to a new level of unity.
And that's the story you're going with? Unless you've got something better.
No.
Here you go.
Hey, what are these? Boy, you really haven't camped, have you? They're marshmallows on a stick.
You put 'em in the fire.
All: oh! [All talking at once] Captioned by the national what do you think? I can't quite put my finger on it.
It's like peanut butter but with a kind of fishy taste.
It's trout butter.
I don't like it.
I love it.