3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Collect Call for Dick

Why is Rusty's so crowded today? Maybe it's the huge mob of people.
I think it's these rusty fun lunches.
Everybody's got one.
It's a clever design.
You know, the box soaks up the gristle.
[Burps] Oh I'm sorry.
Probably the secret Rusty's sauce.
That's just ketchup.
Oh, well, thank you so much for ruining it for me, Tommy.
[Growls] [Gasps] My burger is infested with pigs.
No, you know what these are? They're fuzzy buddies.
They're promotional giveaways.
See? "Collect them all.
" Why? I don't know.
That way you have them all.
You'd think they'd put something useful in a fun lunch.
Like a nice pair of slacks.
Or a fedora.
Fedoras are back.
When were they out? Never, to my mind.
Yeah.
Fedoras are perennial classics.
They're my favorite hat.
[All cheering] Go Rutherford! Let's hear that spirit! [All cheering] Go Rutherford! [Whistle] Hey! Solomon! That's the second time that wave went by and you didn't get up.
Uh, yeah, I'm sorry about that.
I just haven't learned how to time these things yet.
Give me this book.
That's not what school's about.
You're at this rally to generate a little pep for the team.
Yeah, about that, sir, see, I just don't have any pep.
But I'm really Ok with that, you know? Get out of the way! Just because you got your hair cut doesn't mean I'm not watching you.
Now let's hear a little pep! Help me out here.
In this little scenario of yours, my pep could be the decisive pep? Solomon, if this team is gonna win, we need everybody here behind us.
The team's A pep is nice, but a good rebounder, now that would be sweet.
Sexy! Dr.
Solomon, if-- oh, my god! You've got a jiggly pig! I do not! I've been looking all over for one of these.
I'm so jealous.
You have? Why? I collect them.
I've got, like, 2 drawers full of them.
Well, I've got 2 drawers full of underwear, but I don't go around bragging about it.
Yes, you do.
Oh, Mary, get a load of this.
Nina collects those fuzzy buddy things.
Ha ha ha ha ha! Not you, too.
Well, you collect thimbles.
Mary, you don't! Antique thimbles! Both: ha ha ha ha! You're both idiots.
In a good way.
Nice save.
Well, if you think they're so stupid, I could take that jiggly pig off your hands right now.
Be my guest.
Oh, and in that case, merry Christmas and happy secretary's day.
Thank you.
So, Solomon you feel any different now? Uh, yes, sir.
Lots different.
I have to admit, I wasn't quite sure what you were doing at first, but after 50 push-ups, I'm brimming.
I'm brimming with school pride.
Is that fake pep? Yeah, it's pretty good, huh? You just bought yourself another 50.
I was just kidding.
Excuse me, miss.
Can you help me? Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't work here.
Oh, no.
That's Ok.
That makes you smell a little cheap, sweetie.
Hey, they've got fuzzy buddies here, too.
Lois, he opened it.
Can I at least get them out of the box? Please? What's the big whoop? Oh, there's some snow leopard that's supposed to be impossible to find.
Every Tuesday a new box comes in and the hunt begins.
The hunt? Get back! Aah! Aah! B-6.
Look! What? Fruit flies.
Where? Miss.
What? You lose.
Ooh! Hello, Tommy! You want winners? No, I can't.
I have to go to school and wash jock straps.
Oh, and, uh, my principal wants to see us tomorrow.
Because you've been washing jock straps on school property? No, it's because, apparently I don't have enough pep.
Did you try faking it? Yeah, of course.
Dick! Sally! Where have you been? I've been hunting.
Look! Fuzzy buddies? Yeah.
It took me and a couple of mighty fine kick boxing moves.
Ooh.
Puffy the lamb.
Bah.
Hey, give that back.
You wouldn't happen to have one of those jiggly pigs, would you? Those are really hard to come by.
Good thing you already have one.
No.
No, I gave it to Nina.
And I sort of miss it.
You just gave it away, Dick? Those jiggly pigs are worth, like, 40 bucks, if you can even find 'em.
They're that hard to get? Yeah.
Look! Well, wait.
We still got all these.
Look! A frog, a cow, a tiger! But we could have had the pig, and we don't.
Now it's a collection without a pig, and it need not have been! Who's fault is that, bonehead? Now Nina's laughing all the way to the bank.
Oh, my god.
Look how many there are out there.
Some of them are really valuable.
We nail the right one, we can make a fortune.
Whoa, they only made 200 of these cute little turtles with the Santa hats.
I will have you, Christmas turtle.
I need more of these! We already got, like, a dozen! There's 119 that we don't have.
Hey, there's a 24-hour drug store in parma heights.
Want to go? Let's ride! Don't even think about touching those.
You're thinking about it.
Stop thinking about it! Hey, Dick, what's with all the rusty burgers? Ah, well, I'm just preparing box lunches for the homeless.
Why are you putting all the food in the trash? It makes them more comfortable.
Mary, you can be so insensitive.
Good morning.
Oh, uh, Nina.
Do you remember that pig that I let you borrow? Borrow? No, you gave me that jiggly pig.
That's the one.
I need it back.
But I like it.
I'll give you $20 for it.
But it was I'll give you a gift.
30.
$30 for that? Ok, 50.
But that's my final offer.
$50? Ok, it's in my desk.
Sold! Fine.
$100! Whoo-hoo! Very smooth, Dick.
Thank you, Mary.
Want to buy a thimble? Tommy, maybe you're not into sports.
That's all right.
Neither am I.
Actually, one of my legs is shorter than the other.
But spirit isn't about sports.
It's about life, Ok? Excuse me.
About what you just said-- can I see your legs? Tommy, I have an idea that I'm actually pretty excited about it.
Would that be corrective slippers? Doesn't it seem a little weird to you to force someone to be excited against their will? All the other students are excited.
You don't want to be the only one who's not.
Where do you find your pants? Is there a special store? No! No, there's not.
Dr.
Solomon we confiscated this book from Tommy.
At a pep rally.
Now, with my idea in place [Principal's voice fades] Wh-what? Do you agree? Uh, uh, yes.
Absolutely.
What?! You're kidding! You will do whatever he says, and you will like it! Because no son of mine will undermine the authority of this hallowed institution by reading lurid trash like advanced calculus with this obscenely over-Thick bookmark.
You will do exactly-- what? What's that you say? Excuse me.
I'll be right there.
What? Careful, now! You hellion! I'll be right there! Hey, everybody, it's hootie! Go hootie! Go hootie! All: go hootie! Go hootie! Go hootie! Go hootie! Go hootie! Go hootie! Go hootie! Go hootie! Go hootie! Go hootie! Go hootie! Go hootie! Go hootie! Well, let me know, because my offer stays on the table for exactly one hour.
Ciao.
Thanks.
Word on the street is that you've got a winky the rabbit.
Now I'm quite interested in that item, and it just so happens that right now I am flush with ocelots.
No, no, no, no.
I don't want you to make a deal you're not comfortable with.
All I'm saying is, this is your future.
Asking your parents would only cloud your judgment.
Someone's coming? All right, call me back tomorrow during recess.
Night-night, Becky.
She's weakening.
Uh! Uh.
Uh.
You touch, you die.
Those need to be in mint condition.
Come on! You already got, like, 3 of these.
[Sighs] Oh, all right.
Uh, uh, uh.
Have fun.
Hello, little zebra.
Hey, guys.
Tommy! No, no, no, no.
I am not Tommy.
I am hootie, the Rutherford high owl.
Where I go, people follow, hooting.
Wait a second, you mean to tell me you're actually doing something for school? When I put this thing on, I become an idol.
They adore me! Do you understand? I am hootie! Hear me hoot! Go hootie! Go hootie! Go, go, go hootie! Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Dick, there's no food in the house.
I needed the money for the fuzzy buddies.
Look, you're probably going to say no, but can I slice one of these open, fry up the beans? Have a little lunch? Harry, look at this.
What? Snow leopard? Chilly the snow leopard.
The holy grail of fuzzy buddies.
Do to a manufacturing error in Taipei, they were made with only one nostril.
Only 30 of them ever made it out of the factory.
It's the most valuable of all.
It's worth more because it's defective? It's worth more because it's rare.
But it's rare because it's defective and crappy? Exactly.
What I wouldn't give to have one.
Hey, I got an idea.
How about, instead of buying a bunch of screwed-Up dolls, we buy some food? Pay the rent? Come on, Dick! Dubcek's threatened to make me work it off, and I don't think she's talking about mowing the lawn.
Fear not, Harry.
Tomorrow we're going to make back our rent for the whole year.
Check this out.
It is the fuzzy buddy swap night at the rusty burger.
This is great! Yeah, it's time to cash in.
Cash in? How? Well, sell.
You know, the whole collection.
The fuzzy buddies? Sure.
You didn't think we were gonna keep them forever, did you? No.
No, of course not.
I knew the day would come.
One big pay day.
We're in, we're out, grab a rusty burger for the road, charter a jet to the west coast and watch the sun rise.
Nice.
Nice.
Nice.
All right, Dick.
Now remember, you've got the best fuzzy buddy collection in town.
I know.
You've got what they want, and they know it.
Look at them all, gawking at you.
Might have just sat on cheese fries.
There she is.
Who? Our buyer.
The one they call the Columbian.
The Columbian? Must be the matriarch of a powerful cartel.
Uh-uh.
Her nephew went to Columbia university.
Let's go.
Columbian! Meet the professor.
And Mary Anne.
I hear you're looking to mm-hmm.
Liquidate.
That's good.
Cause I'm looking to acquire.
Listen here, lady, we're not giving these away.
We're looking for top dollar.
I got top dollar.
I got better than top dollar.
Well, then, by default, wouldn't that become top dollar? I can see you're serious.
And I got something I think might interest you.
Perhaps you've heard of chilly the snow leopard.
Chilly the-- you've got one? Dick, stay focused.
Let's just get the cash and go, Ok? Can I see it? By all means.
Ohh.
Just one nostril.
He's magnificent! All right.
That's enough.
No! No! How much do you want for it? I'll buy it! Dick! I'm starving over here.
We're supposed to sell these, not buy more! Sell them? Are you insane? I need them.
It's my collection.
Sold.
I can't stop now.
Not when I've come this far.
Not when there's so much more to get! Dick, they're our nest egg.
We've got to sell them.
You'll get these fuzzy keepsakes from me when you pry them out of my cold, dead hands! Who's gonna win this game, I say? Come on! Hoo.
Hoo.
Who's gonna win this game, I say? Let it go, Tommy.
We're down by 22.
But the game's not over till the buzzer sounds.
[Buzzer] Announcer: and that's the game.
The final score, parma heights 52, Rutherford 30.
Wait.
This can't be.
Wait.
This is impossible.
Don't leave.
Wait.
Hey, take it easy, Solomon.
It's just a game.
Just a game? Are you insane? You! You did this.
You didn't practice them enough, you bastard! Tommy, pep is wonderful.
But when it manifests itself in such a violent way-- Ok, all right, it's not me, all right? When I put on the owl suit, I become the owl, do you understand? Hootie did this.
I could have taken hootie, but he pearl harbored me.
You know, this school has something else to offer you.
Somethingsomething besides spirit.
Something called intensive psychological counseling.
Does that sound like fun, Tommy? Tommy? Hootie? Can I talk to Tommy now? Yeah, I got your number from a friend.
He said you could help me out.
I--I--I need a roger the road frog.
No! Not a mini one.
I need a full-size roger, damn it! Yeah, yeah, Ok, I'll calm down.
Where are you? Ok.
You guys ready? He's not going to like this.
We've got to confront him.
It's for his own good.
Now you swear this intervention is not for me? Because I have fallen for that twice.
Come on people.
It's go time.
Can I bring you half? You know I'm good for it.
Ask Britney.
She'll vouch for me.
We go back-- way, way back.
I--I don't mess around.
I'm cool.
Hello? Hello! What are you doing? I was in the middle of a call! Well, you're getting another call right now, Dick.
A wake-up call from people who care about you.
Oh, good.
I--I--I'm glad you're here.
As a matter of fact, I could use a few bucks, maybe 20 $30from each of you.
We'll write you a check.
You will? A reality check.
I'm not writing any checks.
Dr.
Solomon, you've got a problem.
A problem? I don't have any problem.
So I collect now and then, it's no big deal.
You collect, Mary.
What about all those thimbles you got? I have never missed work because of my thimbles.
I--I--Iaah! Now, you used to just collect after work, but now you collect as soon as you get up in the morning.
Well, sure.
Just to get the day going.
Dick, you have spent all of our money on these things, we haven't paid our rent in a month! God, I'm so ashamed.
I can't look Dubcek in the face.
You came to my school, and all you could think about was where your next fuzzy buddy was gonna come from.
I am embarrassed to bring my friends over.
Ok, sure, maybe I've been a little excessive.
More than a little, Dick.
Yeah, but I can quit whenever I want! Can you, Dick? Can you really? Sure.
Face it, man! You're strung out on the buddies! Oh, all right, take them.
Go on, take them! I don't need them! Are you happy now? Is that all of them, Dick? Yeah, that's all.
I swear.
You sure? Of course I'm sure.
Then what are these? Aah! And what about these? Or these? No! No! No, that's it! Oh, no! They're special! Oh, no! Not them! I am so glad I finally got rid of all those things.
But I gotta tell you, the craving is still there.
Sometimes, when I'm trying to get to sleep, I can still see their shiny little button eyes staring at me.
So, then, what do you do? I get up and calm myself down with a stiff drink.
That's good.
Good for you.
Year, we're proud of you, Dick.
How could you have gotten so carried away? I don't know.
Maybe I was just trying to fill some emotional void.
Maybe I never really felt loved by my mother.
Dick, you never had a mother.
See? That's a pretty serious void.
Well, it's a good thing you stopped when you did, Dick.
One day you're admiring fuzzy buddies through the drug store window.
Next thing you know, you're flying out of Bogota with a balloon full of fuzzy buddies shoved up your-- all right, stop! Ok! Hey! But how exactly would that work? Well, you just attention, Rusty's customers! Take it from a man who has been through hell.
Those Rusty's fun lunches you are eating are not safe! And I'm not talking about the cholesterol or the fat content or the diseased meat or the carcinogens caused by the broiling process.
And I'm not talking about the food server with the unwashed bathroom hands.
It's you.
I saw you.
Or the spoiled mayonnaise in the secret rusty sauce.