3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - D3: Judgement Day

Guess what, you guys.
Don is taking me bowling.
Can you believe it? Bowling! Hard to believe.
Just picture it: me and Don, alone our sweaty bodies intertwine bowling.
You don't know what bowling is, do you? No.
[Jennifer laughing] Oh, Dick.
I came to Pendleton for its collection of rare books, but I found something much rarer-- the love of a good man.
Oh ha ha.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
Well, I'm off to sing madrigals with my choral group.
Are you sure you won't join me? Uh, madrigals no, I don't think so.
All right.
I'll see you later then.
Ohh! Good-bye, all! Good-bye, Jennifer.
She's great, Dick.
Oh, yeah, she's great.
There's just one problem really.
What's that? I can't stand her! How did that happen? I don't know! For the first 3 days I was madly in love with her, then on the fourth day, it was over.
Wow.
So it sounds like it was just infatuation.
Thank you so much, Mr.
Monday morning quarterback.
You win the hindsight bowl! I miss Mary! Oh, gee! Ohh! Mary and I were meant for each other.
And now I've dumped her just because she was so busy being Dean.
I've gotta get her back.
Well, but first you gotta get rid of Jennifer.
I know, but how? Well, you could treat her like you treated Mary.
That seems to do irreparable damage.
Look, Dick, you just gotta come clean.
You gotta tell Jennifer the truth.
It's what Don would do.
I mean, Don always says, "the truth might hurt, but a lie will only get you a billy club to the windpipe.
" The truth, huh? You know, that's so crazy it just might work.
Diaphenia, like the daffdowndilly Jennifer.
White as the sun fair as the lily Jennifer.
Heigh-ho, heigh-ho excuse me.
How I do love thee Jennifer! What is it, my pretty prince of fun and physics? I have something to tell you, and it's not going to be easy.
A bit of gossip, perhaps even sleazy? Maybe it's gonna be easier than I thought.
Jennifer, we've had some good times and many more to come.
Yes, well, actually, what I was getting at is I think it's time we moved on.
To the next level? Oh, Dick, I couldn't agree more.
[Class bell rings] I've got a class.
We'll celebrate later.
Oh, Jennifer, no, you misunderstood.
Diaphenia, like the daffdowndilly Jennifer! Oh, damn! Yes! [Strike] Whoo-hoo! All right, Donny! Oh, that was so great! Wh-what is that called? That's a strike, baby.
All right, now, remember what I told you, Sally.
When bowling, first of all, you put your fingers into the holes here.
Hold it like that.
All right.
All right.
Ok.
Now the key is the head pin.
You want that head pin, so you want to hook around through-- yeah, yeah, I got it.
Throw ball, knock down pins.
Well, there's more to it than that.
I mean-- don't throw the ball! [Strike] Ohh, no! Putting the you back in him? Not the self-help books! I need help.
I made a complete ass of myself.
So you got drunk and told him off.
Big deal.
You want him back, go get him.
I was the one that told him it was Ok to see other people.
Now I think that's a big red check in my guilt column.
Ok, you want him back? Well, it just bothers me to see him with her.
Shut up! I said, do you want him back? Yes.
Repeat after me: go go get get him.
Him.
Again! Go get go get him.
Him.
All together! Go get him! Go get him! Now you march in there, tell him how you feel, straight up.
Straight up! Go get him! Go get him! "And so, Jennifer, lest there be any misunderstanding, "let me repeat: I do not, cannot, and will not ever love you "as long as we both shall live.
With frosty aloofness" Dick Solomon.
Now, that should do the trick.
Dick.
Mary, what are you doing here? I-I've come here to tell you something straight up! And here it is: what you did really hurt me.
Oh, I know.
Mary-- no, no, no, it was thoughtless and pigheaded! That's exactly what I've just written-- no.
Let me finish.
I don't put all the blame on you.
I mean, I was consumed by my job, and I didn't have enough time for us, but seeing you with someone else makes me realize what I've lost.
It does? Now I can't expect you to just come running back to me without me making some sacrifices.
No, of course not.
I mean, I've just got to make myself more available to you.
Oh, yeah, that would be a must.
I--I can't give you a lot of time , but I can give you quality time.
And seeing me with Jennifer made you realize this? Yes, Dick.
I see.
Well, let me explain something to you, Mary.
Quality time is good, but Jennifer gives me quantity time.
That means a lot of time, Mary.
She puts me first.
Me.
Not her job.
Something apparently you are not willing to do.
I am so too willing.
It's just that you're being-- no, no, it hurts too much! Oh, Dick! I'm not saying that you should stop trying, but it will be hard.
There are hurdles, Mary.
Hurdles! Remember: hurdles! So there I was.
I'd just finished my break-up letter to Jennifer when Mary comes in and tells me she wants me back.
No! Yes! After what you did?! I know! Oddly enough, being with Jennifer seems to have helped.
The less available I am, the more Mary wants me.
So you took Mary back? Ohh, no, no.
No, Mary's offer was tempting, yes, but I'm not closing this deal just yet.
I can get a lot more out of her.
What makes you so sure? Jennifer is my bargaining chip.
Well, what do you want? I want the old Mary-- walks in the park, breakfast in bed, lunch in bed.
Changing the sheets, 'cause there's food in the bed.
You know.
Hi, guys.
Where's Sally? All right, Don, let's get outta here.
Hey! Sally, are we going luging? No, we're going bowling.
Why? Well, because you're dressed like a big luger.
That's exactly right.
Sleek, agile, aerodynamic, and dangerous.
Let's bowl.
All right, eyes on the target relax, concentrate anddoh! Ah, that's very good, Sally.
You're really getting the hang of this.
Oh, there's one left.
Die, you bastard, die! Yes! A spare! I get to go again.
Uh, Sally! Can I talk to you for a minute? Yeah, but hurry up.
I'm in the zone.
Sally, have you ever-- you ever heard of the term, "play by the rules"? No.
Well, the rule is, you know, you get a turn, and then I get a turn.
I don't like that rule.
Hey, Don, what's the goal of bowling? Knock down the most pins.
And have I? Well, yes, Sally, but there's a certain thing called sportsmanship.
Freeze.
6-pin standing at 11 o'clock.
Sally that's not our lane! What the hell are you doing, lady?! You left 'em unprotected.
Get your head back in the game.
Mary: now I think, that once you see the numbers, you'll realize just what good shape this department is in.
And next semester Dick, with my allergies, I won't be able to eat anything here.
Uh-huh.
Oh, no! No, no, no! Mary's here.
This is no good.
Well, we'll go somewhere else.
No, no.
I will not let her control my life.
Sir we would like a table as far away from that woman as possible.
Of course.
How is the table by the window? What, in the draft? Well, what about next to the bar? With all those drunken boors? Well, I'm afraid that leaves this table here.
All right, but this is an outrage.
You're sure you're all right with this.
Absolutely.
We are going to have a good time.
Why should we let some wacky coincidence dampen our spirits? Oh.
Uh.
Dick.
Why, Mary.
I didn't expect to see you here.
What a surprise! Hello, provost, how are you? So nice to see you both.
Listen, I don't want to interrupt your dinner.
Jennifer and I will just sit over here and nuzzle.
I can't understand a word you're saying.
So let's order.
I don't know why you would bring me to a place like this.
I'm allergic to everything on the menu.
Why, the butter alone-- aah! Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha! Oh, you.
Quality time? You actually said "quality time"? Well, I was just trying to define-- is that what we talked about? Is that what we talked about?! No.
When a man hears "quality time," he thinks it means rub your feet while you watch the lifetime channel.
[Whining] Well, what am I supposed to do? [Mocking] What am I supposed to do? You have really lost it.
You have lost your groove thing.
Come on! Blow smoke up his ego, make him want you.
I don't know.
You are Mary Albright.
You flirt shamelessly.
That's what you're famous for.
I am? Mm-hmm.
I am.
Now, you go out there and live up to your trashy reputation.
I'll do it! Hi, Dick.
Mary.
Gee, I hope last night at the restaurant wasn't too awkward for you.
Ohh, not at all.
I don't know whether you noticed, but, uh, I was with Jennifer.
Uh huh.
You had on a new jacket last night.
I liked it.
Ooh, you did, huh? I found it on a bus.
Pretty good fit, though, eh? Very.
But you always know what looks good on you.
Well, that's so true.
Have you been working out? Oh, yeah.
Hey.
What? I canceled my meeting tonight.
Really? So we can do whatever you want.
Oh, yeah? Let's say we make it an early weekend.
Oh, I can't take Friday off.
I have a budget meeting in the morning.
Ohh, look at this.
Jennifer's wide open on Friday.
You know, she is so flexible.
I'll see how open I can get.
My god, it's actually working! If I can keep this going another few days, I'll have her up to 6 nights and melrose Mondays.
Melrosemondays? Oh, Jennifer.
What happened to you? It's an allergic reaction.
I told you I couldn't eat at that restaurant.
But you didn't eat anything.
All you had was water.
I think there was a lemon in it.
[Sniffling] Dick, I noticed something last night, and I want you to be perfectly honest with me.
You still have feelings for Mary, don't you? [Gasps] He didn't answer right away.
Oh, my god.
He didn't answer right away.
Oh, dear god, Jennifer, he does have are you feelings for her.
All right? [Babbling] Now, Jennifer Jennifer, calm down! Look, I can see you're upset, but I think it's crucial that we tough it out for another 2 or 3 days, depending.
Ohh.
I see what game you're playing.
You've just been using me.
No.
Oh, thou blind fool, love, what dost thou to mine eyes, that they behold, yet see not what they see? J-j-Jennifer, wait! I don't even know what that means! Ohh! What's the matter? I'll tell you what's the matter.
Jennifer broke up with me just as I was starting to make some real headway with Mary! Oh, god, why don't you just be honest with them? It's what Don would do.
I can't! I've almost got Mary where I want her.
What are you gonna do? I've gotta find some way to win that horror show back! I'm gonna go insane! That's nice.
We'll miss ya.
Psst.
You guys ready? Yeah.
Wait a second, I gotta go get my-- come on, come on, come on! Hey, guys.
What are you guys doing? Where you going? I-I-I'm just taking Harry and Tommy in for questioning.
Oh, I thought we were goin' Bo-- [Strangers in the night] Bo Bo-Bo-Bo Bo Bo-Bo-Bo-Bo all right! All right, Tommy! Atta boy, baby! [Ball hits pins] All right, boys, another beer frame! All right! You in the zone, baby! Come on, get 'em all! See the ball, be the ball! Oh, yeah! [Ball hits pins] Ah! Who goes? We goes the three amigos! Hoo-ahh! Sally.
Where ya been? Diaphenia, like the daffdowndilly white as the sun, fair as the lily heigh-ho heigh-ho how I do love thee I do love thee as my lambs are beloved of their dams how blest were I if thou wouldst prove me Diaphenia, like the spreading roses that in thy sweets all sweets encloses fair sweet, fair sweet, how I do love thee I do love thee as each flower loves the sun's life-Giving power for, dead, thy breath to life might move me you're mocking my madrigals.
Jennifer, no.
I'm here to win back your heart.
[Skeptical] Mm-Hmm.
Forgive me.
Dick, are those orchids? Yes.
Call 911.
Call 911.
No, no, no.
It's Ok.
They're all paid for.
Gaaagh! Aah! Oh, my god! She's allergic! Oh, damn! Honestly, Sally, it's not what you think it is.
Uh, what--what do you think it is? You went bowling behind my back.
With Harry and Tommy.
Ha ha ha ha, noooo.
No.
Of course not.
Why are you wearing matching bowling shirts then? Ok, give me a minute.
Hey, is--is that a water fountain? I think it is.
Let's check that out.
I would like that.
Why don't you tell me the truth, Don? Just be honest.
All right, you want honesty? I'll I'll give you honesty.
I hate bowling with you, Sally.
I--I absolutely hate it! You're--you're terrible.
By ignoring the rules, you just spit in the eye of the pastime of the gods.
And to be honest, I never want to go bowling with you again.
Oh, Sally.
Sally, I'm kidding! I'm kidding! I'm a kidder.
I'm joking, it was a joke.
I--I love bowling with you.
You don't mean that.
I I don't mean it? You don't think I mean it? Come on.
Sally, it's your turn.
You're up.
And I want you to use my ball.
You mean-- that's right.
Blue thunder.
[Choking back sobs] Oh.
Oh, Don! Oh! Sally! Aah! Dr.
Solomon! Heigh-ho, heigh-ho how are you doing? I'm fine.
How are you doing? I'm fine.
How are you doing? I'm fine! Shut up! What are you doing here?! These flowers are for Jennifer.
What?! It's Ok.
They're plastic.
But she's in the hospital.
No, she's out, and coming here.
Oh! Diaphenia, like the spreading roses that in thy sweets all sweets encloses oh, my god! What the hell was that? I've gotta get ahold of Mary before it's too late! [Ring] Don't answer that! It's Dr.
Solomon, and he's desperate to talk to you.
He is? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You've got him where you want him.
Nowit's time to be cool.
[Snap] Hi, Mary, it's Dick.
I was just wondering how you were doing.
But, uh, you just walked in, so when you get this message, just ignore it.
Take care.
Bye.
Hello, Dick.
Mary, I was just thinking about what you said the other day, about quality time.
Oh, that.
I, uh, just want you to know that if you're still willing to make that kind of commitment, I would be willing to make a sacrifice of my own.
Are you making an offer? Well, no, I'm really just putting out a feeler.
I'm not sure it's worth my time to respond to a feeler.
Oh, I think this is a feeler that you can't refuse.
Mary, if you can promise me to make a good-Faith effort to spend more time with me, I will break up with Jennifer, despite the fact that I will be crushing the frail soul of a woman already teetering on the edge of sanity.
I can live with that.
Oh, Mary! Oh, Dick! Oh, Mary! What do you say we get outta here and find someplace nice? And when I say get outta here, I mean right now! You! Jennifer! What were you doing to me, orchids?! I gave you a list of my allergies, and what was on the top of page 6, column 2? Orchids! Ok, Jennifer, before you go any further, there's something I must say: I am breaking up with you.
You're breaking up with me? You're breaking up with me?! I ended this hideous travesty of a relationship yesterday! Yesterday? She--she broke up with you yesterday? Oh, that's right.
You broke up with me.
That's how it happened.
Teetering.
You're incredible! You are so lucky I'm allergic to any blood other than my own, because if I weren't, I would cut you open from stem to stern and dance in the red, red river of your death.
Help me, Mary, help me.
Oh, get out! A plague! A plague on you, Dick Solomon! Aaaaah! Oh! Oh! I am so sorry, Dr.
Albright.
I don't know what came over me.
I'm really a very docile person.
Oh, that's all right.
He brings that out in women.
Could I be transferred to another office? First thing in the morning.
I don't know why I put you in here in the first place.
You wanna get a drink? Oh, I can't go to bars.
I'm allergic to smoke.
I have a full bar in my desk.
Lead me.
It seems like it should've worked.
A triangle is the strongest shape in geometry, but somehow, a love triangle just collapses.
Yeah, but, see, that's what I'm trying to tell you.
You just gotta be honest, Dick.
Like Don.
There aren't a lot of guys who'd actually admit to-- where are you guys going? Us? We're goin' Bo-- Bo-Bo Bo-Bo-Bo Bo-Bo Bo-Bo-Bo Bo-Bo Bo [Ball hits pins] Ah, strike.
Nice one, Don.
But they're still winning.
What are you talking about? Ah, we keep knockin' 'em down.
They keep comin' back.
I'm gonna take out their headquarters.
What? I'm gonna disable the pin setter with this 16-pound mama.