3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Happy New Dick!

Uh, yes, hello.
It seems that a generous donation has been made in my name to your organization, and I was wondering, how does your return policy work? Yes, I'm serious.
I want you to march some of those dimes right back my way.
Hello? Hello?! Merry Christmas, Dr.
I baked you some cookies.
Oh! Thank you, Nina.
And I got this for you.
You're making the world a better place.
And don't try to get your money back, because they won't give you the time of day over there.
Well, it's official! The first annual Albright new year's fondue party is on! That's great.
Wow! Ph.
S and melted cheese! The cops are going to have their hands full.
I've got to tell you, Dick, I'm really excited about this party.
Oh, yes.
There's nothing like the stink of a good fondue.
But I don't see what the whole hullabaloo is about new year's.
What do you mean? Well, it's so arbitrary.
The earth makes one orbit around the sun right back to this random point.
I mean, the man who came up with this calendar thought the earth was flat.
Do you really want to be on his team? You know, a year goes by, you think what do I have to show for it, but, sure, I made Dean, I'm making a lot more money, I have tremendous power over all of my friends oh, yeah, I had a great year.
oh, you guys having a new year's bash here? That's right, little buddy.
Need any help that night? What, you don't have plans for new year's? Oh, yeah! No.
Oh, hey, we need a party coordinator.
Can you count down from one to 10? You mean 10 to one? Wow! You're going to be good.
Oh, my god! Larry! Mrs.
Deguzman! I haven't seen you guys since we graduated from night school! Look at you, man.
You made it.
I bet if we ever have a class reunion, you'll be psyched.
Yeah, Mr.
Big shot bartender.
You two having a hard time finding work? Oh, there are jobs out there, but you either need experience or a college education or an explanation for where you've been for the last 7 years.
Wait a second.
I got an idea.
Say, Doug! You know how you've been talking about hiring on an extra couple of people? No.
Well, your search is over! I found you the people.
Can you vouch for them? Well, I'm not the best judge of character, but yes, yes, I can.
Both: fah who fore-aze Da who dor-aze welcome, Christmas come this way oh, come on! How can they let the Grinch carve the roast beast after what he did? I think they feel bad for him because of his enlarged heart.
Totally unrealistic.
Hey, you guys! You guys, look what Don got me! Wow! Wow! You're such a sweetie! This is the best Christmas day ever! I know what the ladies like.
I thought you were going to get her the earrings.
Earrings? Tommy: whoops.
There were earrings? Well, they match the necklace, but I thought maybe next year.
Necklace andearrings that's all you need.
All you need.
Maybe the store's open.
They guy's Jewish! So, Dick, you want me to reserve you a table for the new year's bash? Uh, no.
Mary's having a fondue party.
What's the big whoop about new year's anyway? I don't know.
Mary says it's a good way to mark her year's accomplishments.
Well, I had a pretty great year.
I lost my virginity and I completely mastered the art of manipulating Don.
Oh, and I got some great sweaters.
Nice going.
I graduated from night school.
I rescued Harry from that freak show.
I still haven't thanked you for that.
And I, uh well, there's so many.
Where do I begin? There's, uh what? Well, for one thing, I saved that child from drowning in her above-ground swimming pool.
You didn't save any kid.
We saw that on the news.
Then I guess I didn't pitch that no-hitter in Cleveland.
No, sir.
Not that I recall.
Well, fine.
I can't be concerned with trivialities.
My achievements are grander, and if, as such, they are harder to define, then they are all that much grander for it! There.
Now this says fun! Yep.
Says so right there.
I mean, the whole vibe of the sign says fun.
Yeah, right there.
Oh, no.
Larry! Deguzman! Could you guys come over here for a second? You guys, why are these drinks just sitting here? I thought those were for Mrs.
Deguzman's table.
No way! I'm the hostess! I'm warning you, man.
She's a bitch on wheels.
Just, uh, deliver the drinks, Ok? [Humming 12 days of Christmas] Da Dee Dah duh Sally! Merry Christmas, part 2.
For me? Oh, you shouldn't have.
Oh, my god! They're perfect! They'll look so great at the starlight room on new year's eve.
The starlight room.
Ha ha ha ha! The starlight room? Sally, that party is for Rutherford's movers and shakers.
Do you know how impossible those tickets are to get? All I know is how powerful my boyfriend Don Orville is.
That may be, but it's such short notice.
I'm sure you could pull a little stringy-wingy.
I'll do my best.
I'm going to go put these on.
She plays me like a big, dumb cello.
What are you looking at? All right, so I'm working here.
So quit riding me! Let's not insult the customers, Ok? I probably should've told you, man.
I've got problems with rage.
Wow! This man just gave $1 billion to the U.
! Can you believe that? In February, I took the whole family to sizzler.
And for no big reason, just to do it.
Can you imagine spending 8 months building an orphanage in Bosnia? Big deal.
War-torn countries are just full of opportunities for show-offs.
We better be off.
It's time for the cider festival.
Oh, no.
You go without me.
I've got some important things to achieve.
But we were going to go.
I'm sorry, Mary, but do bring me back some cider, and don't let it get cold, 'cause then it's just juice.
You pay! You pay now! I will not! Oh, I'm sorry.
Is there a problem here, Chet? Hey, friend, you trying to stiff the lady? That ain't right.
I'm not stiffing her.
I waited for over a half an hour.
She never brought me my hot wings.
But I put them right over there on the bar for you! Oh, those? I ate those.
Very greasy.
I did you a favor.
Employee meeting, employee meeting.
Guys, come on.
I went out on a limb for you.
Don't make me look bad.
Oh, man.
The lecture begins.
Tommy: Ok, all right, so what I'm thinking is we clear out these tables here, and we have room for a conga line! Oh, my god! Could I be the person that yells out conga? You know, to get stuff going? Yeah, Ok.
[Humming] Sally? Nothing up my sleeve.
Presto! to the starlight room! Oh, Don, that's so cool! Let's scalp 'em! What? Well, I just don't want to go anymore.
Tommy's planning a really fun new year's eve party here.
See? "Fun.
" Sally, do you know how hard it was to get those tickets? Let's just say I wasn't shy with the nightstick.
Don, listen, it doesn't matter where we are as long as it's where I want to be.
Right, poopkin? No.
Oh, you big, silly man.
It's not going to work this time, poopkin.
Hey, I'm crying here! That has never not worked.
It's not too late.
I may have squandered 362 days, but the year is not lost! I can make a difference! You, I beg you.
Step forward.
And you, sir.
Please, do not be afraid.
Come forward! Let all men, white and black, black and white, put aside their differences and join hands and walk together down the streets of Rutherford! Let there be peace and harmony in the valley.
For I, Dick Solomon, have made a difference! Dick? What? Jake and henry are bowling partners.
They're, like, best friends.
If they're not willing to serve as examples for our children, then let it be on their heads.
I tried.
I am such a loser.
[Doorbell rings] Vincent, welcome! I didn't know whether you had a chance to stop by the cider festival.
I did.
Well, you can never have too much cider.
Dick, what's wrong? I thought you were going to help me cube the Havarti.
I guess you can file that with all the other broken dreams and unfulfilled plans of 1998.
What are you talking about? This year has been a disaster.
I've accomplished nothing.
Mary, do you hear me? Nothing! [Doorbell rings] That's a shame.
Why don't you talk football with Strudwick? Judith! Just back from the ciderfest.
We've got plenty of cider, everyone.
Drink up! Vincent, have you ever really thought about where your time goes? I can't say that I have, Dick, but-- well, I have.
The last year, I've spent 4 months sleeping, sitting in traffic, watching the discovery channel.
While I have seen every type of animal eat every other type of animal, it hardly makes for a stellar 1998.
I have to go stand over there now.
Uh, what are you doing here, Sally? Oh, nothing.
Just wondering if you, uh, you know, wanted to hang out.
It's new year's eve.
Aren't you going out with Don? No.
I'm mad at him.
Why? Because I was crying.
What? Oh, my god.
I was only doing it to get what I wanted from him.
Uh, Sally, do you always cry to get what you want? No.
Usually all I do, you know, is push my boobs out at him.
Or sometimes I go like this.
Oh, really? Yeah.
I only go to the crying place if I'm really backed into a corner.
And you don't understand why he's mad about that? No.
You think he's crazy? What's his problem? It sounds like you're just pushing his buttons.
That's exactly what I'm doing.
But you shouldn't be.
Why? Why? Because if you just keep crying and pouting to get your own way, he's going to take a walk.
Oh, my god! I don't want Don to take a walk.
Thanks, Nina.
You sure know a lot for a woman who never has a boyfriend.
I have a boyfriend.
Then why are you sitting home alone on new year's eve? I'm not.
I'm going to a party.
Sure, you are, Nina.
Dick, stop throwing bread in the pot.
You're wasting it.
Like bread in the fondue pot, so are the days of our lives.
It's new year's eve.
You're bringing us down.
Dick, cheer up or you'll be whistling through your cheek.
But, Mary-- no "but, Marys.
" This is a party, not a wake, so act like it.
Oh, all right.
Everybody, a toast! A toast! As the old year draws to a close, one can't help but reflect on what hasn't been done and what can never be reclaimed.
Say what you will about this year, it is lost, it is gone, and as I look around me, I can honestly say that there is no group that I would rather be with to face the grim specter of death racing at blinding speed so inexorably towards us.
Aw, jeez! Who wants to go bar-Hopping? Great idea! Let's go.
Yes? Lock up when you leave.
Got any 2s? Damn.
What's going on in here? It's out of control out there.
Everybody expects you to wait on them hand and foot.
You got any 7s? Oh, I see.
Well, there's a good reason for that.
It's really very simple.
It's your freakin' job! between now and zero hour.
Nobody goes dry, you understand? Is that champagne? I can't be around the stuff.
It takes me to a bad place.
Aah! Now, you listen to me.
You and you are going to do exactly what that man tells you to do.
Go! Go! Move! Move! Sally.
I was afraid I wouldn't see you here tonight! I was afraid I wouldn't see you, either! Don, I have been such a jerk! No, Sally, look, I'm sorry I had to read you the riot act, but you crossed over the line.
No, I know! I know! Say no more.
Listen, Don, I have realized that I am really, really hot.
What? I am really, really hot! And that gives me the power to render men defenseless, but with that power comes a certain responsibility, and I know that now.
That's good, Sally, because a man's got to have his dignity.
Of course he does! Well, then we agree to agree.
Wait, wait, wait.
So what should I do the next time I want you to do something you don't want to do? How about we don't do it? Interesting.
Whoo hoo! Ring in the new! Happy new year! Oh.
Dick, you just going to sit out here in the cold? Yes.
We'll be inside.
Just what do you hope to accomplish sitting out here? I'm hoping that I'll freeze solid and become a monument to all those who live lives of quiet desperation.
The tomb of the unknown loser.
What do you want me to do, give up my new year's and sit here and tell you how special you are? All right.
It's 11:58.
Everything's set.
This is going to be great! Larry, we're at t-Minus 2 minutes.
Ok? All right! [Whoosh] [Cheering] Should auld acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind no! Stop singing! It's not time! Sounds nice.
It sure does.
Judith is a little flat.
Well, that's it.
It's new year's.
It is? It's 1999.
It's--it's literally a new year.
That's where the name came from.
Mary, this is wonderful! I feel like a vast weight has been lifted.
I see this endless horizon rich with possibility! I see 15 gallons of spoiled cider and a pot of congealed fondue.
Oh, god, Mary.
I'm so sorry.
I've ruined your party, your night.
I've ruined everything.
Can you ever forgive me? I've got a lot of burnt cheese to scrape when I get home.
I'll scrape your cheese, Mary.
I'll do anything.
Please? As of midnight, I became a new man.
Can't we just shut the door on last year and look ahead? I thought you said new year's was just a random spot in the earth's orbit.
That was last year's Dick.
He is so over.
Please? Yes! [Singing and blowing horns] Stop it! Stop celebrating! It's not time! Happy new year, Harry! Happy new year! Happy new year! You're fired! [As time goes by plays] Ohh, this is fantastic.
Just me and the woman I love dancing alone in the cold, still air of a crystalline winter's night.
I've been a fool, and you've forgiven me.
It's a perfect new year.
[Bells chiming] What's that? It's the bells at the old church.
Oh, my god, Dick it's new year's now! So the whole time we've been out here together celebrating it was 1998.
So I've salvaged Mary, that means-- oh, Dick, shh! This is a beautiful moment.
Don't spoil it.
But it's such-- shh! I'm ready to-- shh! Happy new year, Mary.
Happy new year, Dick.
I've ruined the whole point of the party.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! In 15 seconds it's new year's in Utah! You get another chance! Yeah! Come on, Tommy! All right! Countdown 99 is on the launchpad! All: 9 I just get so excited.