3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick and Taxes

You wanted to see me, Dick? Oh, Mary, thank god.
I wanted to show you that if you mix up the letters in your last name, it spells "lab right.
" Ok.
But what was the emergency that couldn't wait another second, that made me get off the phone with the chancellor? "Lab right.
" Dick, look.
Something weird is going on at work.
Doug's gonna make me pay taxes.
Everyone pays taxes, Harry.
It is our duty, nay, our privilege to pay taxes when we purchase goods, such as chocolates and combs.
That's very noble of you, Dick, in February.
Let's see what you say in April when you have to file your return.
My return? Your tax return.
My tax return.
The one you file every year.
Oh, that.
Well, Nina does all my filing.
Uh, Nina! What? Uh, bring me my return.
Your return? My return.
My return.
You see what I have to deal with? My return! All right.
Form 1040.
First name: Dick.
Last name: Solomon.
And Mary said this would be complicated.
Dick, this is so boring.
Why are we doing it? Because, Sally, this is what humans do.
It's like their national pastime.
And you don't want us to stand out.
You know what would be funny? Where it says sex, write "frequently.
" That's a good one, Harry! That is funny.
They don't ask for your sex here.
Well, if there's anyplace you can indicate that you like to have frequent sex, I think it's worth doing.
"Farm income or loss.
" So did our farm show a profit last year? No.
Where is schedule f? Wait, wait.
We didn't have a farm last year.
We lost the farm! No! Line 14.
"Other gains or losses.
" I gained 2 pounds.
I lost my virginity.
There's your opportunity for that frequent sex thing going to throw in.
"Enter itemized deductions from page 3, schedule c, line 2, to the extent they are allowable on schedule a, form 1040-nr.
" "Enter the larger of your itemized deductions from line 28 or standard deduction shown on the left.
" My left or its left? "See page 30 to find your standard deduction "if you checked any box on line 35-a or 35-b or if someone can claim you as a dependent.
" I'm telling you, there is no schedule p! There has to be, damn it! I don't understand this! I'm a superior being.
I can calculate the decaying orbit of a dying moon to within 1/10 of an inch.
Why can't I calculate the subtotal of line 59-a? Why can't I find line 59-a? Where the hell is line 59-a?! I can't take this anymore! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! I hate it! Oh, here it is.
Everybody just settle down.
Ok, you add lines 41 through 47.
Oh, yes, Mary.
You are the sexiest accountant in town.
Just a minute, Dick.
I'm not quite done.
Oh, that's it Mary.
Crunch those numbers.
Crunch 'em good.
So you subtract line 64 from 56 yes.
Now deduct my pants.
Dick, I think you're gonna want to keep your pants on.
Why is that? Because you're about to lose your shirt.
And so are you.
You owe $9,500! What?! You bitch! You didn't pay any taxes.
What did you expect? Well, I certainly didn't expect my girlfriend to wear my ass as a snowshoe! $9,500? Oh, my god! You guys, what are we gonna do? Look at all these receipts from all these meals.
If we'd only talked about business during some of them, we could write off all this money as deductions.
Who says we didn't talk about business? Yes.
'Cause that's the only reason we ever go out to eat, anyway, right, is to talk aboutbusiness.
Ok, I must tune out, because I never hear us talking about business.
We can lie on our taxes.
I can't believe that no human has ever thought of this before.
Ok, wait a second, you guys.
What if we get caught? How can we get caught? All those other dopes out there are telling the truth about their taxes.
They're just going to assume that we are, too.
Hey, check this out.
You can get a deduction for having a home business.
Really? Then it's a good thing that you run one here, Sally.
Yes, Dick, it sure is.
Is this the business that I never hear you guys talking about? Oh, and look at this.
Here's a receipt for $14.
Or is it $114.
99? Or is it $1,114.
99? Wait, wait, wait.
You think they'll buy that? I mean, that's a lot of money.
For a pencil sharpener.
We just cross out "pencil sharpener" and write in "airplane.
" It's brilliant! Well here is our home business.
Thanks, dubie.
What, we're selling chairs? No, hon.
It's a salon chair.
We put up a sign, take a few pictures.
Anybody asks, it was a failed home business.
Deduction city.
You know, there's a funny story about how I got that chair.
Heard it! Heard it! I got your sign, Sally.
Great! It looks like a real business.
You put it up outside, Ok? Ok, everybody, I've got it.
I played with the numbers a bit, entered a few harmless clerical mistakes, and guess what.
The government now owes us $375,000! Oh, yeah! Tommy: who needs ed Mcmahon? We've got uncle Sam! This is really working out great for us.
If we keep doing our taxes like this, in a few years, we'll be millionaires.
You know, I once had a millionaire-- heard it! Heard it! Heard it! Excuse me.
Is this Sally's actual salon? Uh, yeah.
Well, good! I could really use a cut.
Oh, Ok, I guess.
Mary: go on.
Give it to him.
Why should I? Well, you're my assistant.
Now give it to him.
You give it to him.
You're sleeping with him.
Well, you can sleep with him.
You're nuts.
I'm not gonna do it.
No, just give it! Just give-- can I play? Unless the rules are very complicated.
Then I'll just sit it out.
You got a letter.
Really? From the I.
Oh, great! It's probably my check.
I took a second pass on my return, and it turns out I don't owe anything.
It doesn't look like a check.
It can't be a birthday card.
My birthday isn't for months, and-- "notice of audit"? What's an audit? Oh, boy.
An audit.
You are so screwed.
Mary, she's scaring me.
Dick, sit down.
We have to talk.
Can't it wait till after my audit? Everything is gonna be fine.
You just have to tell the truth.
It's not as if you have something to hide, right? Hide? No.
I have nothing to hide.
Why would I hide? That's good, because they're gonna be all over you.
They're gonna dig into every aspect of your life.
Find out everything about you.
Everything? They can be pretty brutal.
Ohthat's interesting.
N-now, if you'll excuse me, I--I--I have to, uh, nnnnnnnn yaah! Ok, Nellie, what we're gonna do is we're just gonna give you a little bangs to cover up these tiny little worry lines.
Then we're gonna eventually graduate the sides in like that.
How's that sound to ya? I don't know.
Oh, trust us, darling.
We're just trying to give you a little shape.
I mean, you have a lovely neck here and no one can see it.
Ok, let's get you washed.
Harry! Ok, hold on, doll.
I only got 2 hands.
Come on.
That's the stuff.
There you go.
Family meeting! Family meeting! Who is this? Oh, that's my 4:00.
You can go sit in the chair, hon.
Would you like some mineral water while you're waiting? Why don't you just go run along, dear? Um, where should I go-- get out! Ok, listen up.
I've got horrible news.
We're being audited by the I.
What? Does that mean we don't get the $375,000? It's worse.
Agents of the government are gonna go through our lives with a fine-tooth comb.
Every detail of our past examined under a microscope, for the last 6 years! So? We've only been on the planet for 3.
That's the whole problem.
The more they probe into our past, the more they'll find out we don't have one! Because we're aliens.
That is the conclusion they will draw.
[Exasperated muttering] Now, we've all got to have detailed explanations for the last 6 years: where we've been, what we've done, and the documentation to prove it.
Oh, I did that, like 3 years ago.
You did? Yeah.
Complete and airtight.
I gave them to you guys.
What'd you do with them? [All making excuses at once] I'm sorry.
That's just great.
You know, sometimes I don't even know why I bother! You're just gonna have to go and do it again.
We need foolproof backgrounds by tomorrow.
Now get cracking! Oh, and, Sally? Bump your 4:00.
I'm not gonna battle faceless and hostile government forces with this unsightly fuzz on my neck.
Oh, hello, Mary.
I was just thinking about how long I've known you.
It's more like 3 years.
Well, then you'd be comfortable saying No, it's 3 years, Dick.
So I can safely quote you as saying that you've known me for 6 good, verifiable years, then? Fair enough.
But you are quite familiar with what I was doing in the 3 years prior to that? Are you kidding me? You never told me anything about your life before you started working here.
You hem, you haw, you rush in, you rush out.
Oh, let's not forget the spontaneous laryngitis.
That was going around.
How about the truth, Dick? Tommy's coming up with the truth right now, but in the meantime I'm going to need you to play ball.
Oh, no.
You're not gonna drag me into this.
Drag you into this? This whole thing is your fault! If it weren't for you, I never would have filed my damn tax return in the first place! Well, if you hadn't fudged with my numbers, you wouldn't be in this situation.
Just remember this.
If I go down, you're coming down with me! I hope you burn in hell, Mary Albright! Ok, that last bit was a little harsh.
But it's been building up for 8 long years.
Damn! How's that feel? Oh--oh, that's hot.
Good, good.
No! It is the truth, I am telling you.
Oh, I've got another client--Top-secret-- I cannot tell you who it is.
But she's had her nose done 3 times, and she's still not happy.
Is it Maggie wright? Yeah.
But I told her, enough is enough.
I think she looks like a witch.
Ohh! You! Harry, Sally, can I talk to you for a minute? Oh, sorry, hon, we're completely booked.
Maybe we can fit you in tomorrow around-- now! Now! Ok.
I got your new biographies done.
You have to have them memorized by tomorrow.
All right, Sally.
From 1992 to 1994 you were an unpaid docent at the museum of Chippewa heritage.
No, no, no, no.
In a coma? Mm no, no, no, no, miss thing.
I don't think so.
Ok, you know what? I just spent 2 days documenting and falsifying these covers, but you go in there tomorrow and say whatever you want! It's your alien autopsy, Ok? All right, let's focus and go over it once again.
Before we moved here on January 9, 1996, where did we liveSally? Stewart, Florida, sir! And Florida would be on what, Neptune? No! Earth, sir! That's good.
And during our time in Florida, was I ever gainfully employed? No, you were not! So how did we live? By our wits, sir! Good.
Oh, by the way, are we from a distant galaxy? You.
No are you sure? [Mouthing silently] Yes, sir! Ok.
Now let's go over our return.
You, young man.
How could this family have lived for 3 years with no visible income? How many cans? We collected cans.
And you didn't report that income? The income was $6,217, which falls well below federal limits for filing.
Your numbers don't add up! We turned in in Michigan where it's 5 cents a can, sir! Oh, yeah? In Michigan, eh? Where I was in a coma! Sir! Now, Mr.
Solomon, there are some irregularities here on your tax return.
I must say, I was surprised by some of these numbers-- well, then, let's go over them, Mr.
I've got nothing to hide.
Me neither.
Nor I.
We're ready to talk.
Now, here on schedule e-- schedule E.
Yeah, I remember the first time I saw schedule E.
It was around 1992.
Do you remember that? Oh, yeah.
Oh, incredible.
What a day.
I was, uh, right here on earth, as carbon based as the next guy.
You claim a $16,000-- oh, gosh! You guys remember march 20, 1994? Like it was yesterday.
Remember that steakhouse we went to? Ohh, yes.
I had the porterhouse-- no, no, no-- I had the flank.
No, Dick.
I had the flank.
Are you sure? 'Cause I'm almost positive I had the flank.
No, 'cause I always get the flank.
[Arguing] Maybe you both had the flank! Yes.
There's no law against the flank.
There's certainly nothing alien about it.
Ha ha ha ha! The--he-- ha ha ha ha! I've just got to grab something off the printer.
Oh, my god! Do you think he knows? He definitely knows! It was you with the flank steak! This is what we're gonna do.
When he comes back in, I break his neck.
Then we make our escape, and I snap everyone's neck from here till we get home.
There's no way they'll catch us! Let's call that plan B.
Quick, let's buy some time by barricading the door.
Just push the desk over against the door.
That's right.
Push it.
I can't see him.
What are you doing? Uh it it just-- it just slid right over.
Do your realize this whole floor is slanted? Look, I think I see what you're trying to do, andfrankly, it's not going to work.
All right! It's time to come clean.
The reason why we haven't been filing returns is we were kidnapped.
That's right! Yeah! Yeah! And they said if we filed our taxes they'd kill us! Oh, really? No! Uh, no.
To be honest, we were in the witness protection program, and they were very bad about forwarding our mail.
I don't think so.
How about this? We've spend the last 4 years living in the Canadian rockies with a pack of wolves! A pack of wolves.
I was the alpha dog.
Solomon, why don't you just cooperate? You're only making things harder.
All right.
All right, you've caught us.
We are aliens.
We came here from a barred spiral galaxy in the Cepheus Draco border territory in order to study your species.
I only ask that you take into account our good intentions before you call in your scientists to dissect us.
Sorry, folks.
I've heard that one before, too.
Solomon, you owe $16,143 in back taxes.
Yay! Yes! Yes! Mr.
Gindek! Aah! Mr.
Gindek! Thank you! Thank you! Well, we still have a lot to learn.
Could you imagine a real human being afraid of a tax audit? Ha ha! I know.
Although I do feel a little more human now that we've been reamed by the I.
I think "reamed" is an understatement.
We're paying taxes for years we weren't even on the planet.
Yeah, well, luckily, my business is booming.
Hey, Mr.
Harry, how many appointments for tomorrow? Let's see.
Uh none.
What?! In all fairness, Sally, you have terrible haircuts.
Oh, right.
I forgot.
Hey, by the way, did you guys see Dubcek's face when she came out of the dryer? Errr! Is this what I paid for? Sally, I had no idea you'd gone to beauty school.
Oh, sure.
Back in '92-- remember '92, Tommy? Sure.
The year we danced to the music of vanilla ice, and scent of a woman introduced America to a young heartthrob named Chris O'donnell.
Oh, how's that feel? Ow! It hurt.
Oh, good.
Ow! Ow! Ow! ow! Ow! Ow!