3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - The House That Dick Built

Ooga-ooga-ooga-chaka ooga-ooga-ooga-chaka ooga-ooga-ooga-chaka mama, turn it down! I'm on a word search! Ooga-ooga-ooga-chaka deep inside of me when you hold me in your arms so tight you let me know everything's all right I--I--I--I--I-- I'm hooked on a feelin' I'm high on believin' what do you want from me?! That you're in love with me Okall right, then.
I'll see you then.
Who was that? My girlfriend.
Your girlfriend? Yeah.
Since when is Alissa your "girlfriend"? What do you mean, man? We hang out at school together.
We bought a pizza together.
My girlfriend.
If you say so.
Look, she just invited me over to go baby-sitting with her.
Wouldn't you say that qualifies as a boyfriend thing? Not in the circles I run in, no.
Well, you're super-wrong, because Alissa just happens to be my girlfriend.
That's right.
Say it enough, and you might just start believin' it.
I hate you! Hello, sweetness.
Hello, Vicki.
Look what I did.
I ordered way too much Chinese food.
I hope you're hungry.
I'm always hungry.
[Growls] That's what I like about you, Harry.
You're a good eater, yet you got a stomach like a washboard.
Yup, and a tush like a sink.
You got good genes, baby.
The kind of genes that I would like to pass along to my child.
Could you pass the dim sum? Harry, you know, I'm not getting any younger, and, lately, my biological clock is just tickin'.
Could you pass me some moo shoo? Harry I wanna have a baby.
Haaa! Haaa! [Hacking] good morning, all! Uh-huh.
What's with the classified, Sally? I'm getting my own apartment.
Excuse me? I've decided I need my own space.
Oh, no.
No, no, no.
Dick, it's time.
It's not time.
And what's more, it will never be time.
Now, I'm gonna leave and come back into the room, and we'll just start this whole day over again.
Good morning, all! Hey.
Mo rning.
What's with the classified, Sally? I'm getting my own apartment? You're what?! Dick, I need my own space! Out of the question! We are a unit! We are on a mission! My mission is to figure out what it's like to be an adult human female, and I'm still living with my middle-aged brother! When we split up, we risk exposure.
Harry, talk some sense into her.
I got a lot on my mind, Dick.
I'm thinking about having a baby with Vicki.
You're what?! Do you think that Lamaze is the way to go? I would say drugs.
Are you insane? What will you do when the doctor says, "congratulations.
It's an 8-pound purple tube"? Yeah, that would be sticky.
What is happening to this unit? We used to stick together.
Now you're all going off in your own directions.
What about you, Tommy? Are you running away to join the circus? No.
I'm just going baby-sitting with Alissa, my girlfriend.
Keep dreamin'.
Now stop this right now! I am issuing a command decision.
No one on this mission will be doing any impregnating, relocating, or baby-sitting without my express written consent! Now, let's just try to start this day right, shall we? Good morning, all! Good morning, jerk.
Jackass! Creep! That's better.
I see you have an apartment for rent.
Now, a Sally Solomon may be by today to look at it.
Please, don't hold the fact that she is a convicted arsonist against her.
Who am I? I'm one of her drunken and unruly roommates.
Thank you.
Yeah, yeah, thank you.
What are you doing? Clipping Sally's wings, thank you very much.
Sally's looking for her own place, so he's trashing her name to every apartment manager in town.
Condos, too.
Put that phone down! Could you hold, please? Dick, people grow.
You can't hold on forever.
When I went to prep school, my father wouldn't let go.
He visited me every weekend.
He was also having an affair with the school nurse.
But the point is it drove me crazy, and it just pushed me farther away.
You're doing the same thing.
Mary, you can't compare me to your morally bankrupt father.
My family is different.
Very different.
Promise me you'll stop this.
All right, I promise.
Thank you.
Thank you for holding.
I'm with a leading Colombian drug cartel.
Yes, and I'm scouting apartments for one of my mules-- Sally Solomon.
Dick! Muchas gracias.
I've stopped, I've stopped.
Harry, you know what? I've been thinking.
If it's a girl, it'll look just like me, and if it's a boy, it'll look just like you.
What if it looks like something you never seen before? Now, you know, that does happen.
My sister had a baby that looked just like my boyfriend.
It was weird, weird.
I'm just not sure that this is a good idea.
Oh, Harry, see, that's what I love about you.
Not only are you strong and sexy, but you're a worrier.
You're gonna be a great daddy.
I'll be a great daddy.
I like kids.
Like playing with kids.
I just hope that's what we have.
Ok, now, here's the number where we're gonna be.
Here's the car phone number, and my sister's number's on the fridge.
Don't worry.
Everything will be fine.
Oh, Mr.
And Mrs.
Wheeler, this is Tommy.
Nice to meet you, Tommy.
Now, you've got the numbers, right? She's got the numbers.
Ok, good.
Come on, let's go.
Bye-bye, now.
So, uh, how you doing? Good.
How are you? Good.
So, uh, couldn't help but notice that, um, you introduced me as "Tommy.
" Uhyeah.
Just "Tommy"? Uh-huh.
Would you prefer, like, "the t-man"? Well, I just-- I don't want the wheelers to be worrying all night about who I am.
You know, "is he her brother Tommy? "Her lab partner Tommy? "Her dance instructor Tommy? Her boyfriend Tommy? Her dance instructor Tommy?" Dance instructor? Yeah.
I dabble in jazz fusion.
It's just an example.
Let's watch Tv.
Good night.
I'll see you Monday.
Good night.
Dick! What the hell did you do? Or I might just stay and watch.
I've called every rental agency in this entire town.
They've all hung up on me! Perhaps you should work on your telephone etiquette.
Albright, you live by yourself.
Let me ask you something.
I was just leaving.
It'll just take a second.
Please, just sit down.
Thank you.
Look, I have gotten to the point in my life where I feel I don't have to live with my family anymore, and I'd really like your opinion on that.
Mary, tell her she's wrong.
Sally, no.
Every time I give you advice, it blows up in my face.
What? Name one time.
I can name 5! I can name 7.
Oh, I can name 10.
I can name 12.
I don't care! Look, Albright-- doctoralbright you live by yourself.
I could do that, right? No comment.
So you think it's a good idea.
I refer you to my last response.
Mary, you can provide a preponderance of evidence that proves what a frightening responsibility living alone is.
In order to do that, we would have to determine what the meaning of the word "is" is.
All right, look would you, in a million years, live in an attic with Dick, Tommy, and Harry? Well, I really think that's a matter of-- answer the question, please.
I would rather live in a box behind the 7-eleven.
Oh, damn! Ha ha! Aren't babies cute, Harry? Oh, look, there's me! I had just learned to walk.
And you're in a beauty pageant! I was "little miss bowl-a-Rama.
" Aww! Shut up! The situations are not comparable! Dick, I have made up my mind! Harry, get away from that strumpet! I'm doing your job here.
You know that.
Out! Out! Out! Boy, your brother's got some control issues.
He's a freak! He won't even let me get my own place.
There's a room over the garage I used to rent out.
What? Mama, that place is condemned.
I know.
It's just asbestos and bad wiring.
Nothing a little paint won't fix.
I would like to see this place.
Well this is it.
[Long gasp] Oh, wow! I cannot believe this place.
Now, there's no kitchen.
Which means no dishes, huh? Oh, my god! Look at that! I know-- rat droppings.
I'm sorry.
No--a window! You didn't tell me there'd be a window.
What a great place to put a hole! Ok, dubie how much are you charging for this place? Mmm Are you serious? Ok, 60.
I'll take it! I prefer cash.
Hey, what say we tack this onto Dick's bill? Well, sure.
In that case, it's 75.
"Good night, stars, good night, air, good night, noises everywhere.
Good night, moon.
" Good night.
Ahem! So, how do you know the wheelers? Oh, um, Mr.
Wheeler's my mom's boss.
So, if she saw him walking in the halls at work, she'd say, "hey, there's my boss, Mr.
" I guess.
So, if you saw mewalking along in the halls at school, you'd say "hi, Tommy.
" Right, right.
[Doorbell rings] They're back already? Let's see who's at the door.
Oh, my god! It's a couple of scary weirdos.
That's my uncle and his girlfriend.
We understand there's a baby on the premises.
And there he is! Oh! Oh! Woojie, woojie, woojie, woojie! Cute thing.
Take him.
What? You'll like him.
You'll see.
Are you sure? You'll like it.
Ahhhiya, hon.
Soyou two kids thinking of having kids? Come on, Dick.
It's all-you-can-eat.
No, I'm not hungry.
You can eat the rest of what I can eat.
Come on, cheer up, Dick.
Sally wants her own space? Let her have it.
You gotta roll with the punches.
Look at me.
I've moved on.
Sally gave me the old heave-ho, and here I am, about to put this place out of business! I can't.
I have to figure out a way to get her to come back.
I know.
You're concerned for her safety.
Oh, that's a laugh.
Look, Sally may be a tough cookie, but in a lot of ways, she's naive , and that makes her vulnerable-- easy pickin's for any rat- bastard psycho with a good haircut! Still have feelings for her, eh, Don? Maybe.
More shrimp here, johnny! If Sally only understood the workings of the criminal element, she'd move back in a heartbeat.
Criminal element? Exactly how does this criminal element work? It's the usual story.
She comes home tired and forgets to close the blinds.
She puts on a teddy and parades in front of the window.
Suddenly, there's a knock at the door.
Is it pizza? No! It's Dr.
Nefarious in a ski mask and a hatchet! She's screaming her head off, but nobody can hear her because of the train passing! Clickety-clack! Clickety-Clack! Clickety-clack! Whoo-whooooo! Huhn! Huhn! Huhn! Aaaaaah! Not a pretty picture but it could happen.
You're right, Don.
In fact, I can almost guarantee that it will happen! So you want me to go buy y'all some wine? No, that's Ok.
They probably got plenty around here.
So, um you ever been to Vegas? Lookin' forward to the new star wars movie? Nothin'! Well, Harry, you can't just talk to him while he sits there.
You gotta, you gotta pick him up and play with him, see? Go ahead.
You'll feel it.
Well, I don't feel it, but I sure smell it.
And now I feel it.
Let me take him.
No, no, no, no.
Now, listen, y'all just go on and go out for ice cream.
We'll hold the fort down here, Ok? Are you sure? Go on! Go on! Have fun with your boyfriend.
Did you hear what she just said? Look, William's got a load in his diaper, and if she wants to deal with it, that's fine with me.
No, no, no.
Before, before.
She specifically referred to me as your, um you know boyfriend? Mm-hmm.
So? So nothing.
That's great.
Let's go.
In your face, man! [Rattle] Uh ahem.
Who's there? [Cat screeches] [Sighs] It's just a cat.
It's just a cat.
[Humming] Lieutenant! Lieutenant! What? It's me! I know! Stop choking me! That's an order! Jesus, Dick! What the hell are you thinking? I came here to show you how vulnerable you are living alone.
And did you? Yes! Except for the vulnerable part.
Dick! Lieutenant, we belong together! You can't leave the unit! I am not leaving the unit! I just need my own space.
I want the hair in the sink to be mine.
Yeah, but you won't be under my roof.
I'm not that far away.
Look, when I open my door, I can see right into Tommy's bedroom.
You can? Oh, my god.
He has no privacy at all.
I'm gonna be Ok, Dick.
I've learned a lot.
Well, you've had a good teacher.
I guess I better go deal with Harry now.
High commander proceed with care and discipline.
Your counsel has been acknowledged.
Hello! Howdy! Rrr rrr rrr! Amazing! still thinks it's funny.
And for some reason, so do I.
Honey, you can stop now.
Rrrr! I mean it! Ok.
Hey, little one, look at you.
Oh, yeah.
Boy, bet you're gonna be something when you grow up, huh? Postal worker toll booth operator or maybe even the president of a fan club.
Oh, I envy your parents.
Yeah? I know I'm not your average guy.
But I deserve as much happiness as the next guy.
Oh, Harry! Oh, Vicki! Harry, stop it this instant! Dick, didn't you ever learn to knock? I'm warning you, Harry, if you continue with this foolhardy escapade and implant this empty receptacle with your cosmic seed, you will no longer enjoy the protection of our unit.
Are you saying I'm not good enough for your family? No! Although you're not.
Harry knows what I mean.
So what's your decision? Dick would you please hold William for a second? Vicki let's make a baby! Yahoo! Yeah! We're home! what are you writing? I'm entering Harry's breach of conduct into the logbook.
What'd he do? Never mind.
Oh, what's happened here? This morning we were all together, and now look at us.
Sally's living in a garage, and Harry's with that Vicki.
It's those damn dubceks.
Of all the gin joints in all the world, why did we have to move into this one? Well, it was the first place we looked.
That's true.
You know, every night before I go to sleep, I look at myself in the mirror, sometimes for hours and I commend myself for how well I've kept this unit together.
But tonight I see only failure.
I'm a bad high commander.
Oh, you're an excellent high commander.
It's a very difficult planet.
You know, humans grow.
It makes other humans hurt.
It's earth.
You know, what are you gonna do? How do you know so much? Dick, I'm the oldest.
When you get to be my age, you just know things.
Are you gonna be Ok? Mm-hmm.
Oh, come here, little buddy.
Come on.
It's Ok.
It's all right.
Tommy? Alissa.
You left your bag at the wheelers'.
Uh I'm just gonna leave this and you alone with dad and whatever the hell it is you're doing.
Get off my lap! Alissa, look, he's not really my dad! He's just some guy I'm living with! No, no, no! Alissa! time passes so quickly here.
You're put on this planet, you assume a life, your little subordinates need you and are always underfoot, all ass and elbows.
Then one day, they leave, and you're sitting alone worrying and wondering how they're doing.
Well, I'll find out.
Hey, Harry, how you doin'? Harry: outstanding! Sally, how are you? Sally: aw, shut up! It feels so good when they call.