3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Superstitious Dick

Here's your mail.
Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, and, Dr.
Solomon, the Andrew K.
And Eileen B.
Fleischman foundation called.
They received your grant application.
Oh, excellent! Dick, the Andrew K.
And Eileen B.
Fleischman foundation grant is very prestigious.
Do you really think you have a chance? Oh, it's in the bag.
Once I dazzle them with my scientific prowess, they'll hand over that $20,000 and then, pffft! I'm off to Disney world, baby! That money is for scientific research.
Oh, you're right.
I should probably hit epcot while I'm down there.
"Dear friend, this is a chain letter.
"You have 3 days to send copies of this to 10 of your friends, "but do not throw it away, "or bad luck will befall you.
Sincerely--" Mary, what is this? I got one, too.
Bunch of crap.
Just throw it out.
Whoa! You are crazy.
My aunt Janelle threw a chain letter out once.
The same day, she crushed her hand in a juicer.
I don't understand.
What kind of power could this letter have? The power to waste your time.
Why risk it, Dr.
Solomon? Just send it out.
Every culture has its own superstition.
I have studied 'em all.
And the one thing they all have in common-- they're all a little bit cuckoocuckoocuckoo.
Mary: cuckoo! Cuckoo! Well, Nina, I hope that your aunt now realizes that the plastic plunger included with the juicer is there for a reason.
[Crash] Mary: ow! Pull the plug! Pull the plug! Oh, Mary, are you all right? I told you not to throw that chain letter out! Oh, don't be ridiculous.
It was just a coincidence.
Ow! Ooh! Ah! Ohh! Unnhh! hey, guys.
Well, I finally figured out why Dubcek gave me such a deal on the garage apartment.
Look at all this junk I found in my toilet tank.
Oh, no, no.
I think that junk's supposed to be in there.
It's like your toilet's brain.
Or heart.
Whoopsie.
Well, I guess we better go down to elberfeld's hardware store on main street.
Hey, you know, they give out free peppermints.
Whoo! Not anymore.
Ever since that new hardware stop superstore opened out by the interstate, they went out of business.
Old man elberfeld died a lonely, broken man.
[Gasps] There's a new hardware stop by the interstate? Awesome! Let's go! Family meeting, family meeting! Ok, can any of you come up with a reasonable scenario in which throwing out a piece of mail would result in having your ribs broken by a floor waxer? Absolutely.
The guy who was waxing the floor thought you were throwing out his paycheck.
No.
The guy with the waxer knew nothing about it.
Well, why were you throwing out his paycheck? No.
There was no paycheck.
No paycheck? Well, no wonder the waxer dude went psycho on you.
No! No, no! It's called a chain letter.
It's a random, meaningless piece of mail, but Nina seems to think that throwing it away can cause bad luck.
Oh, please.
That's stupid.
There's like a billion-to-one chance that those 2 things are at all related.
Thank you.
Yeah, just like there's a billion-to-one chance that aliens from a distant galaxy would actually visit this crappy little planet.
That's true.
Ohh.
Hello, hello.
Donny boy! I just came by to pick up Tommy for the hockey game.
Hockey game? Yeah.
Remember those season tickets for the Rutherford ice hogs that you begged me to order back when we were dating? No.
Well, they came.
Yep, 63 home games.
So I just figured I'd treat Tommy and his lady to an evening of hockey.
Yeah.
It gives me a chance to show Alissa how varied my interests are.
'Cause every guy loves a good hockey game.
Still trying to make up for the museum of miniatures, huh? Desperately.
So, Alissa, you know that big car that sweeps the ice? That's called the ice car.
Isn't that a Zamboni? Yes.
Yes, but Zamboni translated from Italian means car of the ice or ice car.
Soda! Who needs a soda?! I'll be right back.
I don't know anything about hockey.
I'm a pathetic excuse for a man.
Ahh, don't worry.
When the puck drops, sticks are gonna meet flesh, teeth are gonna fly, and blood will stain the ice.
There will be so much testosterone wafting up to these seats, she'll definitely mistake some of it for yours.
That's cool.
Thank you.
Oh.
[Puck drops] Pass it! Get a body on that guy! Stenstrom! Stenstrom! What's a Stenstrom? Uh, number 23.
Olf Stenstrom.
teeth, and 2 broken noses.
The pretty boy of hockey.
Shoot, you magnificent bastard! Shoot it! Is there anything I can help you with, miss? Yeah.
I think I need a new one of these.
Let me take a look.
Uh, you might need a new flex post.
But your slide float's fine.
Oh, here's your problem.
Your center barrel is purging.
Whoa.
You're like a plumbing expert.
Well, I've been here a while.
I bet you could fix anything, huh? Pretty much.
Is that all you need? Mm-hmm, yeah.
Ok.
No, uh wha-wha-wha-what do you know about, um, um, shelves? Mounted brackets or built-ins? Brackets.
Ok.
Why don't you and I take a little walk down to aisle 15, then we'll hook past plumbing, and you'll be all set.
Ok.
Hey, pal.
Could I get You want me to make keys for you? Ok.
[Engine humming] It is not just for myself, but for all scientists that I accept the Andrew K.
And Eileen B.
Fleischman foundation grant.
For I am but a humble player-- ahem, ahem, ahem-- a humble player in the amazing drama that is science.
Hi, Dick.
Mary, what happened to your arm? Oh, it's nothing.
After they wrapped my ribs, the nurse walked me to my car and slammed my shoulder into the door.
I guess accidents will happen, huh? Yeah.
She then took me back to the hospital, and they forced it back into its socket, gave me a shot of cortisone.
Oh, well, I hope that made it feel better.
Well, no.
The cortisone was mismarked.
It was minoxidil.
But they tell me the excess hair will fall out by beach weather.
Oh, don't tell me you still have that chain letter.
Well, it just so happens that I wrote a very important phone number on it.
I don't see any number.
Well, I wrote it very small.
Are we still on for the game tonight? Sure, if you're up to it.
Oh, I'm fine.
Excuse me.
How do you tell the difference between a 1/2 inch dowel and a 3/8 dowel? You know, I've been getting this a lot lately.
There's a standard rule of thumb.
Ok, now, the 3/8 dowel fits perfectly in my ear.
Whereas the 1/2 inch dowel does not.
Ok, thanks.
All right.
All right, everybody, clear your desks.
All you will need is your examination and a number 2 pencil.
You will have exactly one hour-- Leon, clear your desk.
Dr.
Solomon, that's my lucky rabbit's foot.
See, I really wanna do well on this test.
And a severed foot of a lagomorphic mammal increases your chances of getting a good grade? That's what I'm hoping for, yes.
What about studying? That works for most people.
Not me.
That's why I got this.
Just put it away.
Well, what about bug? He gets to wear his lucky Pendleton sweatshirt.
I'm not wearing this for the test, jerk.
Pendleton has got a basketball game today, and the team always wins when I wear this.
Dr.
Solomon, what about our exam-- oh, shut up, Caryn.
Now, bug, about your shirt-- does it work just for home games? How many miles before it loses its power? It's not like that.
Ok, you're gonna jinx it now.
You're gonna jinx it.
Stenstrom! Stenstrom! Did ya see that? Now that is forechecking.
Mm-hmm.
And I'm guessing that nobody forechecks quite like Stenstrom.
Yeah, nobody.
Sorry we're late.
My carburetor caught on fire.
It was a tad strange.
The car was turned off at the time.
Wow, Mary.
Looks like you've had a string of bad luck.
She did throw out a chain letter.
Ooh, that's bad news.
Elbowing! That's elbowing! Put him in the box, you blind idiot! Would someone tell that annoying girl to keep it down? She's Tommy's new girlfriend.
She's cute.
Shoot it! Shoot it! Mary, look out! Ohh! I caught a puck! I caught a puck! That is so lucky.
And I thought you had bad luck.
Oh, ho! You see, silly? Oh, and I was so worried about this stupid letter.
Look at this, Mary.
I'm tearing it up.
So much for this one.
Good riddance.
I mean, what are the chances of Mary Albright catching a hockey puck? [Thud] Oh, no.
It's the curse of the chain letter.
This is the worst thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm doomed! Hey, Justin.
Justin, look what's broken.
Oh, how did that happen? I do not know.
It must've just disconnected itself or something.
Looks like your gas line's been cut with a hacksaw.
Weird.
You can fix it, though, right, Justin? Got to open it up, look at the cores.
Think you may need to rethread the t-valve? Could be.
I just hope I don't have to recalibrate the flow bushings.
Yeah, well, there's a lot of silt collecting in the drip pan.
Ooh.
What are your btus? I'll be right back.
I'll be waiting.
You know that song macho man? Mm-hmm.
He's who they're singing about.
So I guess rugged good looks and broad shoulders really do it for you women.
Oh, please.
Lots of guys have that.
But Justin-- Justin can fix things.
He can build things.
He's got a belt full of tools.
A tool belt, if you will.
How am I supposed to compete with guys like that? Look at me.
My arms are stick-thin, I shave, like, once a month, my ass is flat.
Sweetie, listen to me.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Ok? I mean, I'm sure there are a lot of girls who are more than willing to settle for a tiny, little wussy like you.
That helped very little.
This is a disaster.
What am I gonna do? I can feel the Andrew K.
And Eileen B.
Fleischman foundation grant slipping away! I told you to send out that chain letter.
Nina, some of my students have lucky charms.
Do those work? Ooh, it couldn't hurt.
Try to remember an item you had when something really great happened to you.
Like the day I met Mary? Yes, what did you have in your pocket the day you met her? Lint.
Lint! My lucky lint! Your lucky lint? Oh, damn! I let Harry play with it, and he lost it.
Oh, listen to you two.
Haven't you ever heard of the machacan tribe? Well, of course, but tell us for Nina's sake.
Machacan men believed that by wearing this sheath over their that by wearing this sheath, they would ward off all misfortune.
Great.
Can I wear it? It didn't work, Dick.
They were wiped out by a volcano.
Everything we know about them we have learned from their perfectly preserved-- from this sheath.
Are there any volcanoes in Ohio? No.
Great.
Then I'll wear it.
Give that to me.
Oh, fine.
Smells like hell, anyway.
Look at her.
She's in love with Stenstrom.
Aw, she's just getting into the game.
I love you, Stenstrom! She's about a goal away from taking her shirt off.
Oh, don't sweat it, Tommy.
It's just a harmless crush.
Kinda like the one I used to have on Joe Namath.
It's not something I'm proud of.
But it's not a harmless crush, Don.
She's crazy about him.
He's just more of a man than I am.
Guys like us are always gonna lose out to guys like that.
At least I can give 'em speeding tickets.
Yeah, but what can I do? That's something you're gonna have to figure out for yourself, Tommy.
That's part of what becoming a man is all about.
You're just saying that 'cause you don't know how to help me.
I'm dry.
Hello, hello, hello.
What are you doing? Nothing.
I'm in a run of bad luck, and I'm not setting foot outside this house without a lucky charm.
Yeah.
Oh, really? It's impossible to find rabbit's feet in this town.
Oh, sure, you can get a whole rabbit, but don't tell the pet store what you're gonna do with it.
Well, this came for you.
The mailman accidentally left it in my bedroom.
It's from the Andrew K.
And Eileen B.
Fleischman foundation.
I've been chosen as a finalist for the Andrew K.
And Eileen b .
Fleischman foundation grant! This must be your lucky day.
And you! What? You're my lucky charm! Oh, Mrs.
Dubcek.
There you go.
And thank you for shopping at the hardware stop, your one-stop spot to stop to shop spot.
Hi.
Can I help you? I'm looking for Justin.
He's not with another customer, is he? Nope.
Today's his day off.
Maybe I can help you? No.
Heh.
No, no, no.
Justin and I were gonna talk about customizing cabinets.
My specialty.
I was a carpenter for 10 years.
You were? Bonded and licensed.
Bonded.
No.
No, I can't.
It wouldn't be right.
I'll just wait for Justin, Ok? Ok.
I mean, it's not like I don't want to.
It's just I just don't know where it'll go, you know? That's fine.
Oh, screw Justin.
Let's do it.
Uh, excuse me.
Where's the lawn-And-garden department.
You know what? I have no idea.
Let's go find out, huh? Wait a second.
Don't you work here? No.
Why would you think that? You got the orange shirt.
I-- hmm.
What's going on with that guy? Take 5.
You're fired.
Hey.
Hey, Stenstrom.
Hmm? Ok, look, I gotta talk to you.
I'm beggin' you, man.
Everybody knows that you're big and you're strong and so you could have any woman in this place, but I'm just asking you, man to man, could you leave me my girlfriend? Just that one.
That's all I ask.
Just that one.
[Swedish accent] Ice hogs number one.
No.
She really means a lot to me, man.
Stay in school.
Say no to drug.
Ok, I'm just gonna take a wild guess, say you don't speak a word of English.
Say no to drug.
Tommy, what are you doing? Ok, this is the last time I'm gonna tell you here.
Stay away from my girl.
'Cause otherwise, you're gonna have to answer to me.
You don't want a piece of this.
Capice? Ok.
What was that all about? He was talking trash about you.
I didn't wanna get violent, but if I needed to, I would've forechecked his butt into the Zamboni.
Ow! Such an idiot.
Ok, let's ease up there.
Next.
Dr.
Solomon.
Welcome.
Thank you for having me.
Please come in.
Uh, yes, uh yes, of course.
Are you Ok? I'm fine.
We've read your paper, and we're quite excited to hear your presentation.
Uh, thank you.
And I'm sure that a generous grant from, uh [Clears throat] Ok, I'm coming.
Who is this? This is my esteemed colleague Dr.
Mamie Dubcek.
Lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky, lucky-- Dr.
Solomon.
Just one moment.
Franks, beans, collard greens.
Yes? On page 13 of your proposal, you suggest the behavior of super-- I'm sorry.
I can't answer any questions on that.
You can't? I can't answer any questions regarding page 13 or what I like to refer to as "the devil's page.
" So, uh, if you are all open to said page, I will just collect them and rid the room of their demonic mojo.
Andrew K.
And Eileen B.
Fleischman foundation grant.
Andrew K.
And Eileen B.
Fleischman foundation grant.
Dr.
Solomon yes? Do you really think this is any way to impress a panel of scientists? All signs point to yes.
Ahh, well, I didn't get the grant.
Mmm.
They didn't like your ideas? I never got to them.
I was too busy yanking on Dubcek's ears.
It's so weird.
Humans make up all these superstitions to try to control random events, but before they know it, the superstitions are controlling them.
And to think I fell for it.
Yeah.
Well, I feel pretty stupid, too.
I thought Alissa was in love with Stenstrom just 'cause he's big and rugged and likes to fight.
Ooh, he sounds good.
Hey, you guys.
I'm going down to the mall to buy some sneakers.
well, the mystery is solved.
It wasn't bad luck.
I have an inner-ear infection that threw off my balance.
Oh, that's good to know.
The car place called.
Your car will be ready tomorrow.
Oh.
What happened to your car? Some kid hit the windshield with a rock.
It was a meteorite.
They don't know that! Nasa's still studying it.
Bad mojo.
Bad mojo.
Mm-Hmm.
Mm-hmm.