3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick the Mouth Solomon

Oh, here it comes.
Wow! Ooh! That looks really, really good.
What a big portion! I love it.
I'll bring some extra plates.
Extra plates? It's family style.
You share.
Wait, share? No, no, we don't share.
Suit yourselves.
God, what kind of crappy restaurant makes you share your food? Well, I ordered sausages, and I'm going to eat my sausages.
All 10 of them.
Oh, now, stop this! The waitress said it was family style.
We're supposed to be a family, so let's eat like one.
Sally, go get some extra plates.
Dick, this is weird.
I don't think it's a good idea.
Go! Excuse me.
I'll be right with you.
I just need some extra plates.
Hey, gimme a sec, huh? Hey, kid, the lady asked for plates.
I suggest you bring her plates now.
Sorry, Sam.
Right away.
Wow, that was great.
My name is Sammy Marchetti.
My name is Sally Marchetti.
Sol--Sally Solomon.
Meeting you has been my extreme pleasure.
I do hope our paths cross again soon.
Ciao Bella.
I just--I just met the most incredible man at the bar.
Well, he's not getting any of our food.
All right, everybody, readyset andshare! Don't touch my food, you buzzard! And so they served us these balls made entirely of meat.
Have you seen these? Uh, yeah.
They're shaped like, say, a tennis ball.
Have you seen these? Of course I have.
But you don't play with them, you eat them.
You've seen these? Many times! Well, it sure sounds like you haven't.
Hi, Dick.
Oh, Mary, the food at Sul panno's was wonderful.
You should have come.
I would have loved to.
Well, I asked, but you said you didn't want to intrude.
But then you're supposed to say, "don't be silly.
You wouldn't be intruding.
" But then--then you'd be there, feeling like an intruder.
Not if you told me I wasn't.
Well, you weren't.
Well, you didn't.
Well, you wouldn't.
Well, I couldn't.
Well-- I'm sorry, I'm lost.
We--we have trouble communicating.
I have no idea what you're talking about.
We don't communicate.
I've been considering this for awhile, and I think it's a good idea that we get away and reconnect.
"The institute at mason farm? A couples' retreat?" What is this? Well, if we want this relationship to work, it's important that you-- and by you, I mean "we," learn to listen to me.
Mary, have you seen those balls made entirely of meat? Why do you have to go away to learn how to talk to each other? Well, it seems that for human couples to communicate on an intimate level, they have to be in a room full of strangers.
So, basically, it's a money-sucking sham.
I'm not paying.
Hey, y'all.
Vicki, what's up? Whatcha looking at here? Oh! The institute at mason farm? You know, I hear that they have a jacuzzi there that totally cleanses your whole soul.
But the weird thing is there's no water in it.
Dick, can we go? Absolutely.
If I have to talk about my problems to strangers, I prefer they be people I know.
Well, let's go get packing.
Knock, knock, knock, knock.
Hey, dubey.
Sally, uh, you got a package.
A package? It's a dress.
A dress? Here's the card.
"For the prettiest doll in the world.
I'll pick you up at 8:00.
Love, Sammy Marchetti.
" Sammy "the butcher.
" Got to be careful, honey, he is hot-blooded.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Sammy "the butcher" Marchetti? That's a cute name.
Sally, don't-- don't you see? That's--that's a mob nickname.
Like, from the movies.
What? This guy, he's like a goodfella.
A wiseguy.
He's a hit man.
Oh, my god.
I know.
That is so cool! Isn't it? Oh, my god! Sure get a lot of respect, don'tcha? Well, it's what it's about, Sally.
People are good to me.
I'm good to them.
People are bad to me.
Well, they're not going to be happy with what I give them, you know.
That's how it works.
Sammy? Yes, my love? Tell me about your work.
Sally, listen to me.
I'm only gonna tell you this once.
Don't ever ask me about my business! You understand me? The less you know, the better.
You hear me? Oh, yeah, mm-hmm, yeah, Ok, Ok, I'm sorry.
All right, then.
Eat! Mangia.
Oh, does everybody feel what I feel? This place is just a whirling vortex of--of spirituality and truth.
Albright can you see my aura? No, but your bra strap is showing.
Come on, Vicki.
Let's go get a personality manicure.
I can't believe you let me talk you into paying.
So, uh, Sammy, you want something to drink? Espresso? Cappuccino? Coffee's fine.
Oh, good, 'cause I don't know how the hell to make an espresso or a cappuccino, so you're funny.
I like that.
You're scary.
I like that.
Huh, a gnome, huh? Yeah, they must be German.
That's all right.
We'll work on that.
Hey, Sally, I rented the godfather andgoodfellas.
Aah! It's you.
So, what are you, like, uh, Sally's brother? No, no, I think-- yeah, I'm supposed to be the nephew.
Nephew, huh? Yeah.
So, nephew I'd kinda like to hang around a little bit and get to know your aunt a little better.
How'd you like to make yourself, uh, 20 clams? What do I have to do? Go to Sul panno's restaurant.
You tell him Sammy sent you.
They will give you an envelope.
I want you to take that envelope, return it to me at this address.
You in? Yes, I'm definitely in.
Don't mess it up.
I don't believe this.
I am a wiseguy! And we stop.
Ok, everybody, tell you what.
Let's everybody take a seat on the floor here.
That's it.
Now, the first key to opening the door of communication with your partner is to tell that person what really scares us.
But that's hard, isn't it? All: yeah.
That's why we're here.
To take the fear out of fear.
You know what I'd like? To take the fat out of peanut butter.
It's--it's so fattening.
Dick, this isn't about peanut butter.
It's about something bigger.
Ok, Vicki, how about you? Oh, me? Sure, yeah.
Tell Harry what you're afraid of.
Oh, ha ha.
Well, I don't really know how to-- I'm afraid you're going to stop loving me, Harry! Ok, I'm afraid of spiders.
Certain kinds of cheeses.
And that you're going to stop loving me, too! Don't be afraid.
I--sometimes I'm afraid.
Oh, good.
What are you afraid of, Dick? Well, before I met Mary, she had something of a reputation for sleeping with, well, pretty much anyone on the other side of a glass of chardonnay.
Dick, that's not appropriate.
Now, Mary, we're here to open up, not to shut down.
Sometimes he doesn't know when to stop.
Well, maybe that's because you don't know when to listen.
What? Oh, yeah, yeah, she does do that a lot.
Tells me I'm wrong.
Tells me to shut up.
It's true.
She does that.
Sometimes I feel like I don't even know how to behave like a real human being.
Sometimes I wonder what am I doing here? Why am I on this planet? Am--am I a good person? Am I a person at all? You know, doubting you're a person makes you even more of a person.
But I'm afraid.
Of what? That she'll never love me for what I really am! [Crying] Incredibly honest, Dick.
No! Very nice.
Now, Mary, what do you have to say? If you people knew what he was really like, you wouldn't be on his side.
All: aw! Now you're playing the blame game, Mary.
And you know what? Nobody wins.
No, no, no, no.
I was just trying to point out that he-- I'm also afraid of plastic garbage bags and Velcro.
Come here, baby.
[Buzz] [Siren] Nephew! Yo, Vito! Sul panno's ordered 20 pounds of veal and a dozen t-bones.
Let's get choppin'.
Everyone creates for themselves an outer shell.
Ok? It stops growth.
It stops communication.
It stops love.
I'll tell you what.
Let's have everybody grab an inner tube.
And let's see what it feels like to have somebody bump into your shell.
Yeah, that's good.
Ok, now, everybody, close your eyes and start moving around the room.
Fast pace.
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh! Good.
Get off of me! Mary! Transcend the anger.
We're here to help you work on your problems.
That's not why we're here! We're here for him.
He's the one with the problems.
He's the one that needs help.
I'm not crazy.
He is! But Mary, I'm only trying to be real.
All: oh! [Sighs] What are we doing, Sammy? What? What are we doin', huh? I like you, you like me, what are we doin'? I'll tell you what we're doing.
Come here.
I gotta go.
What? Where you gotta go? Work.
A man's gotta work.
But we're eating dinner.
What do you gotta do? Hey, I told you never ask me about my business! Why? Who goes to work at It's a special job I gotta do.
Well, what is this, Sammy? Tell me, please.
The people I serve don't want to know the details.
They just want the job done, Ok? Now forget about it.
Oh! Please, Sammy.
Please, let me into your life.
I don't think you're ready to handle it.
Oh! Would you like any dessert? Dessert? Look at me.
I'm crying.
I'm a wreck.
I'm upset.
I'll have the gelato.
I called in an order about an hour ago, Don Orville.
Oh, yeah, that's $12.
Officer Don Orville? Scusi,my mistake.
It's been paid for.
Smells good in here.
Sally! Oh, my god, Don.
Sally, what's wrong? No, don't sit.
Are you crazy? This is his booth.
Sally, what's gotten into you? Oh, god, Don, it's my new boyfriend.
Oh, back on your feet already.
Well, good.
Good for you.
Where's my eggplant? Listen to me, Don, you've got to get out of here.
He comes back and finds you here, there's no telling what he might do.
Sally, I'm a cop.
What could he possibly do to me? He will kill you.
I got your envelope here.
I think that this is your envelope.
Hey, you want your envelope?! Oh, hey, Tommy.
Look at you.
Where you going? Nowhere.
You going on another run for Sammy? What's it to you? What's it to me? I am family.
Well, I got a new family now.
Oh, Mary mother of god.
This is all my fault.
I gotta get us out of this.
I gotta break up with Sammy.
Break up with Sammy? Nobody breaks up with Sammy! Sammy breaks up with you is how it happens! Sammy breaks up with-- don't you get fresh with your aunt Sally! [Door slams] Dumb broad.
Tommy, what's going on around here? What's Sally got herself into? Tell me, Tommy! Hey, watch the suit here.
Hey, where did you get the dough for such a snazzy jacket? Never ask me about my business.
What happened to you?! You used to be such a good kid.
Now look at you.
Look, Don, we come from 2 different worlds, you and me, and I don't think we should be seen together no more.
Capisce! Let me lay out the cold, hard facts for you, Tommy.
If you're involved in something criminal, there's a 1 in 5 chance you'll be caught.
If you're prosecuted, there's a So don't play with fire.
Look, you played by the rules, Don, and what do you got to show for it? Nothin'.
Well, that's not going to be me.
You understand? But Tommy-- don't call me Tommy.
From now on, I'm the nephew.
Damn! Come on, Mary.
But Dick, they don't like me.
But they want to.
Come on, do this for us.
And that's why we need to understand each other when we fight, so that we can fight all: fair.
Yes, very nice.
Dennis, may I interrupt? When you ask to interrupt, you're only interrupting what? All: yourself.
Very nice.
I'm just going to go-- no, no, no, no.
Wait, my friends, we, all of us, have failed someone here.
We didn't embrace Mary when she needed us.
It's no big deal.
There's-- there's love in this room, Mary.
Open yourself up to it.
It's your turn.
You've got the floor.
Well, now-- it's just so all: hard.
But we're here to listen.
Whenever I shared a deep feeling with, uh, my family, they'd always use it against me.
Her parents are horrible people.
Just awful.
We didn't-- we didn't talk.
We--we didn't share feelings, open up.
This is your chance.
All--all my life, I've--I've had this facade of the beautiful, tough, has-it-all lady.
When deep inside I'm-- I'm just a fat, little girl who wants to be loved at all costs.
Oh! [Crying] I'm so proud of you, Mary.
Thank you, Dick.
I love you.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Who's the king? All: you are! Drinks in my room! All: yay! Tommy, stay away from the door.
What are you doin' here, Sally? I'm getting us out before it's too late.
Oh, my god.
Look at you.
Sally, you were never supposed to see me like this.
I knew it would disgust you.
Does doing what you do make you feel like a big man? Does it?! What's going on? Don, get back.
Who's the tough guy now, huh, Sammy? Sally, what are you doing? He's a mobster, Don.
Sammy? He's a butcher.
Yeah, yeah, I was just cutting up some steaks.
Is that what you call the people you kill steaks? No, uh, it's meats, Sally.
You know, cows, pigs.
Is that what you call the people you kill cows and pigs? Sally! Listen to me.
He's my butcher.
Exactly, Don, he's a-- a butcher.
A butcher? Oh.
Well, um-- guess I won't be needing the gun anymore.
Uhsuper sorry.
Oh, my god.
There's someone I know.
I gotta go.
I looked up to you.
You were my hero.
You broke my heart, Sammy.
You broke my heart.
so, how was the brisket? Oh, like butter.
This is a football.
This is a baseball.
This is a tennis ball.
Do you know what this is? It's a meatball.
No, Nina, you're wrong.
It's a ping-pong ball covered in meat.
Now, this is a meatball.
You are the meatball! You are the meatball! She doesn't know what a meatball is.