3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - The Fifth Solomon

[Dialing] Hi, Sally.
It's me.
I'm in the car.
I'm on the new cellular, silly.
So, what are you guys doing? [Squealing tires] Tv? Oh, what's on? Oh, that's my favorite show! I tell you what, put the phone up to the Tv.
Uh, Dick, watch the road.
Oh, Sally, hang on.
Do you wanna eat pizza tonight? No, no, I'll call 'em.
I've got a coupon in my wallet.
Dick, you drive.
I--I'll call in the order.
Now, where's that coupon? Oh, here, I'll get the coupon.
I'll get the coupon-- [Giggling] Can't you just order a pizza when we get home? Oh, here it is.
Here, now.
You see, Mary? Everything's fine and we'll have nicehot piping pizza when we get Di-I-ick! [Crash] I--I don't know how this could've happened.
I-it just came out of nowhere.
Dick, those tire tracks tell a different story.
It looks like you drove off the road and straight into this tree.
Well, that tree must be new because I've driven off this road several times, and I never hit it once.
Were you distracted, maybe take your eyes off the road? No.
He was ordering a pizza.
Mary--please-- that's the whiplash talking.
[Arguing over each other] Well, in any case! An accident report has to be filed.
It's just a good thing you aren't drunk, Dick, because that would be a lot more paperwork! Oh, Mary, what am I gonna do? You should call your insurance company.
My insurance company? Oh, don't tell me you're not covered.
Well, uh, of course I'm covered.
I'm with the same insurance company as you.
What's their number again? Oh.
It's on the back of this card.
Here, I'll call them right now on my brand-new cellular phone.
Now, where is it? Here it is.
Don! Wait up! All right, Missy! You're off my speed dial! Well there it is, gang.
Oh, my god, Dick, what the hell did you do? How're we gonna get groceries? Yeah! Or tow each other around the block on skateboards? Come on! Just be thankful I wasn't killed! You're right.
'Cause then we'd have to find a ride to your funeral 'cause you wrecked our freakin' car! I'm gonna go talk to the mechanic.
I'm telling you right now: if I don't get in that office and find a calendar with greasy women posing on car hoods I swear to god I'm breaking something.
Ok now, you need to chill out.
I'm breaking something.
Gary Parkinson, buckeye fidelity insurance.
You called about your rambler.
Oh, yes, Gary.
Thank you for getting here so quickly.
Here it is.
This car's been in an accident.
You bet.
Why else would I want insurance? No.
You have to buy the insurance before the accident.
Say again? You have to buy the insurance before the accident.
Oh, I see.
So that's how this little scam of yours works.
It's-- you people are the worst kind of scum, you know that? Now, if you'll excuse me, Gary, I have to get back to my respectable job! Try finding another sucker.
Good day, sir.
Well, I'm screwed.
Well, uh, maybe you should rent a car.
And I suppose if I had insurance, you'd pay for that, too.
Yeah, we would.
Good day, sir! Oh.
Gary Parkinson, buckeye fidelity insurance.
Harry Solomon.
That's all I got.
Harry, how would you like to experience complete peace of mind? Well I don't know.
I hear that.
Bam! What? You just got hit by a bus.
Who's gonna take care of your family? Well, I'd say the bus driver owes me one.
After he found out you didn't have insurance, he died laughing.
But it doesn't have to be that way, Harry.
I'll show you how you can build a safer tomorrow today, with insurance.
Whoa! You'd do that for me? Harry, you might find that a good insurance salesman can become your best friend.
You just give me the go-ahead, and bam! You're insured! Give me a call, Ok? Ok.
All right.
Bam! Hey you did what I did.
All right! Bam! There it is again.
Bam! Ok.
I like that guy.
So, what do you think? About what? My rental car.
Isn't it great? Not really.
Not really? Nina, just watch what this baby can do.
[Starts car] What? It started right up.
And listen to this.
It's called Fm radio.
There's jazz, or rock or my personal favorite, Latin salsa.
[Salsa music plays] All cars have that.
Well, not the rambler.
If I'd known what an antiquated piece of crap that car was, I would've crashed it years ago.
Oh, and, uh, speaking of crap I just noticed a little something on my windshield.
Gee, I wish there was some way I could get rid of that.
Wait a second, what's this? Will you look at that? Blue juice at the touch of a button.
Now, tell me that's not damn cool.
I have to get back to the office.
Me, too.
[Click] Dick, open the door.
Oh, are they locked? Gee, I'm sorry.
[Click, click] You locked them again.
Well, allow me to unlock them for you.
[Click, click] You unlock these doors right now! You didn't say the password.
What's the password? The password is salsa! [Salsa plays on radio] All right.
Your total is $4,955.
What? $4,955? There was significant damage.
Well, I think if we try really hard, we can get this number down just a little bit.
Look at this: "replace crankshaft"? Do we really need that? If you want the car to go.
Ok, but right here, uh, "new brake lines front and rear.
" Can't we just go with one or the other? Not if you want the car to stop.
Yeah ah! Ah! Ah! "New hood ornament"? We do not need that, and you know it.
I'll leave it off.
You can't just leave that off.
That makes the car.
Justtell me what you want.
We want you to drop the attitude and put the new hood ornament on the damn car! Now let's crunch these numbers one more time and see what we got, Ok? Your total's $4,955.
Now we're talking.
That wasn't so hard now, was it, sweetie? Get back to work, all right? Lock doors.
[Chirp] Unlock doors.
[Chirp chirp] Open truck.
[Thump] Close trunk.
Close trunk.
Oh, damn.
I guess I'll have to learn to close my own trunk.
Hello, Dick.
Oh, hey, Don.
You want to go for a spin in my sweet ride? Sorry, Dick.
I'm here on official police business.
I was going over your accident report, and I noticed you didn't fill out your insurance info.
Oh, that's because I don't have any insurance.
But, Dick, that's just plain crazy! You have to have insurance.
Why? It's just a bet against myself.
The only way I can win my money back is by getting horribly injured.
You know, Dick, you have a good point.
I don't even know why I'm here.
Oh, wait, I know why I'm here because it's the law! No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
No, it's not.
Yes, it is.
Well, I subscribe to nature's law.
The industrious beaver doesn't insure his dam, does he? No! He rolls the dice and if a flood should strike, he smiles his toothed grin, slaps his tail upon the water, and flies away! I'm just gonna put down state farm.
"Arthritis"? No.
"Asthma"? No.
"Have you smoked in the last 5 years?" Yes.
No, you haven't.
Yes, I have.
You really haven't.
I really have.
Oops! Already checked "no.
" Well, that's unfortunate, 'cause I enjoy the occasional cigar.
I didn't hear that.
[Loud] I said I enjoy the occasional cigar! You don't smoke.
Hell, I'll smoke that banana right there.
You don't smoke! Ok.
I don't smoke.
You know, I really do smoke.
Wow! Great ride, isn't it? Whatever.
The rental car is superior to the rambler in every way.
[Chirp chirp] I don't like the way it smells, Dick.
It's got kind of a new-car smell.
And the--the way the headlights just mold into the front grill.
It's just it's smug! Mm.
It's trying too hard.
Let's just get the rambler fixed.
Our friend the mechanic said he'd give us $400 for the old heap.
$400! We're trading up.
The 2000s are in, and the '99s must go.
Prices are slashed so low, we won't believe our eyes.
We're talking well-Equipped models, priced to move! Well, if they're priced to move I don't know.
I'm sure we'll see savings like this again.
These are once-In-a-lifetime deals! All right.
Wow "loss of any limb, $5,000"? Hmm.
Soif I lost a foot, um, do I get credit for the toes, too? $200 per digit.
Wow! That's a nice little nest egg.
That's if they get cut off.
When they get cut off.
You know, Harry, I was looking over your disability policy, and you could benefit from some additional coverage.
Oh, no, no, thanks.
I appreciate you looking out for me, but I really can't afford any more.
[Sighs] Ok.
W-well, wh-what-- w-wait a second.
Where you going? Well, I just thought you were serious about wanting to protect your family, but I guess I was wrong.
Just forget the whole thing! Well, wait a second, Gary.
Don't say it like that.
I do care about my family.
That's what they all say.
Whoa, whoa, wait a second, wait a second.
Wh-what if we were to tack on an extra $100,000? Come on! Help me out here! Tch.
You got it.
Aww oh, uh, by the way, Gary, you know that pencil you gave me with your name on it? Yeah? I still haven't sharpened it.
All right.
Here you go.
Not bad for a day's work.
I could make a tidy living crashing cars.
So, George, what now? Couple of fenders, new coat of paint, and then long slow drives in the country with the missus? Actually, we're gonna chop it up and strip it for parts.
Well you're not gonna tell me what to do with my money, I'm not gonna tell you what to do with your car.
Happy chopping.
So long, George.
So long, car.
I just said good-bye to a car.
What's that all about? Sorry.
I didn't mean it.
Is Gary in? Still in a meeting.
Ok, I'll hold.
Oh, I can't hold.
Well, um, just tell him I called.
Third time now.
Hey, guys.
Well, here it is.
So you sold the rambler.
And the funniest thing happened.
When I was leaving, I said good-bye to it like it was a person, like it would actually answer back.
You talked to the car? I--I know it makes no sense.
I mean I-it's only a car.
It can't think.
It can't feel.
Ha! Dick, it's like you actually miss that broken-down pile of junk.
I do.
'Cause I do, too.
I miss the hell out of it, too! Oh, this is crazy.
I mean the rambler's just a thing! You're right.
It's just a big pile of metal and rubber.
And gaskets.
And hoses.
And that crack in the leather with the foam sticking out.
Kind of pinched you.
So nice.
I loved that crack.
That was a great crack.
Ok, what's wrong with us? It's like our emotions can't tell the difference between an inanimate object and a sentient being.
Somehow we got so attached to it.
Like it was a member of our family.
All right, this is ridiculous.
We're never gonna get the rambler back.
It would cost us $5,000 that we don't have.
What we do have is a first payment on a new car.
A better car.
Yeah! One with better seats! Sun roof! Moon roof! Cd changer with 6-speaker stereo surround.
Clock? We can get a clock? You bet your ass we can get a clock.
All right! Yes.
"Buckeye fidelity insurance," can I speak with Gary Parkinson please? Still in a meeting.
No, I don't want his voice mail! That man sold me insurance! God! You have got to stop calling him.
I just need to talk to him.
I don't get it.
Everything was going so great.
Why won't he call me? Oh, for god's sake.
Sit down, Harry! There's only one way to get a man to call you back.
You don't call him.
You don't write him.
You don't even think about him.
You have moved on.
I've moved on.
You don't care if he calls.
I don't give a lick.
You make him come to you.
He comes to me.
Because if he calls you back, Harry he's yours forever.
Butif he doesn't he was never your insurance agent to begin with.
Boy, it's a nice night, isn't it? Uh-huh.
I've never seen the doughnut shop so crowded.
Oh, look, Dick.
A wolf just chewed off my ankle.
Ok, Dick, what's going on? Mary, I've done something awful.
What did you do? I've been unfaithful.
Oh, Dick! How could you? I don't-- I don't know.
At first it just seemed so new and exciting.
It's Tina swain from the history department, isn't it? You know they're fake.
What are you talking about? The other woman.
The other woman-- Mary, I'm talking about my car! Why does everything have to be about you? Oh.
So I said to myself, "Harry, you are walking around without catastrophic dental.
" We can't have that, can we? No, we cannot, Ted.
Let's talk about deductibles.
Harry? What are you doing here? Oh.
Hi, Gary.
I'm just upping my coverage.
Why are you talking to Ted? Well, I couldn't get you on the phone.
Ted picked right up.
You mind, Gary? I'm right in the middle of writing a policy here.
Butt out! This is between me and him! I'm interested in your boat and home policy.
What is this? You never told me you had a boat! Well, you never asked.
For pleasure craft under 30 feet-- heyhe's my client, you son of a bitch! Get out of my cubicle! All right, fellas, fellas.
Please! Don't fight over me.
It's unseemly.
I'll be in touch, Ted "Ashby.
" I'll call you tonight.
Bam! Ahh somehow the stars always seem so much brighter from inside this car.
This is the first place on earth that we ever you know sat.
Hey what are you guys doing in my car? Ohsorry, George.
We'll just be another minute.
Ohhurry up.
Tow truck's on its way.
Man, you guys remember when we first saw this thing? We laughed so hard.
What a primitive form of transportation.
It's so loud.
So uncomfortable.
And slow.
I mean, moving parts? Come on! But then the first time we took a drive, wow.
The wind in our hair the rain in our hair the snow in our hair and then we learned about the top.
Well, old gal I guess this is it.
Hopefully, some of your parts will go to help some other car live a long and happy life.
We just want you to know that whenever we see a rambler proudly rolling down the highway, we'll think of you.
Good-bye, old friend.
[Tow truck arrives] All right, back it up.
Come on back.
Come on.
I can't take it anymore! No! Harry! Harry, what are you doing? Did it hurt? God, Harry.
Harry: oh, it did.
Wait a minute.
Harry's got insurance! Harry: Harry's in throbbing pain what do you mean? We can fix the car! Yeah! He's got to have at least $5,000 worth of damage on his face alone! You think? Look at where his nose is! Yay! Yay! Harry: ow! Aww aww sorry, Harry.
That might be enough for a Cd changer.
Look at that rambler shining in the moonlight.
It's great.
Just like the old days.
Stalled twice on the way home, and the muffler's in the trunk.
All's right with the world.
I'm just glad I had insurance.
Thanks to Harry.
Ow! You know, it's weird.
Humans are not very discriminating.
I mean, they become as emotionally attached to objects as they do to people.
No, it's not just the objects, Sally.
It's the memories and feelings that we associate with them.
But then where does that end? I mean, we have memories and feelings associated with everything.
I'm surprised we can throw out garbage.
Garbage? Who's been throwing out garbage? I thought I was very clear about that! No, no.
He does it all the time.