3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Dick, Who's Coming to Dinner

Good morning.
Oh, good morning, Nina.
Say, I have a 2-for-1 dinner coupon at cafe De boeuf-- that's French for "cafe of beef," and Mary refuses to come.
We've been So how does 7:00 sound? Sorry, Dr.
Solomon.
I'm busy.
No.
Let me explain.
If I buy a steak dinner, you get one for free.
And then when the garcon turns his back, you can just slip me a few bucks under the table.
That's very generous of you, but I have a meeting of the black student union.
Nina, this coupon expires tonight.
You'll still be black tomorrow.
That's true, but I'm gonna have to pass.
But--I'll tell you what.
I'll come to the meeting, and then we can go grab some half-priced boeuf.
Dr.
Solomon, I don't think you'd get a lot out of it.
The meeting's a discussion group for black members of the Pendleton community.
Sort of like weight watchers? I'll be in my office.
But--but Nina-- I don't get it.
Why won't she admit that the black student union is just a blatant ripoff of weight watchers? Because it's not! Dick, you've got to accept the fact there are certain things in life you will never understand.
Oh, I accept that.
But what are they and why won't I understand them?! Hey, Harry, how was the library? You are looking at a free man.
I returned the book, paid the $14 in late fees, checked it right back out again.
Oh, but get this.
The library is having a poetry contest, and the topic is "if I could change the world.
" Isn't that perfect for us? Yeah, sure.
We've got a keen third-party observer perspective.
Too bad poetry's stupid.
I don't think it's stupid.
I think it's boring.
The sign said there would be prizes.
Prizes? You mean like a trip to Hawaii? Or like a dune buggy? Hey, it's the public library! Sky's the limit! I'm in.
In! In! [Laughter] Uh-oh, Solomon's here.
Check, please.
Oh, oh, good.
Listen, I've got to talk to Caryn, so if you guys wouldn't mind hitting the bricks.
Did you happen to go to the black student union meeting last night? Oh, yeah, I went.
Did you happen to take any notes or photos? You know how important those meetings are to me.
Yeah.
Um, Dr.
Solomon, you're not black.
Well, how black do you have to be? I mean, you're a milky cocoa at best.
This isn't really about color.
I should have just said African-American.
Well, what happened at the meeting? Tell me.
Yeah, I'm leaving now.
I'll tell you what happened on "the jeffersons" last night.
Weezy almost started a fire.
Oh, oh, and they changed lionels.
If I could change the world, I'd have every swimming pool have a shallow end, a deep end, and an unbelievably deep end.
That is excellent.
Yeah.
Ok, if I could change the world, I'd make every guy look like Don.
Then how would you tell which one was Don? They wouldn't all be named Don, dumbass.
I wonder what I'd look like if I looked like Don.
Oh.
You guys, here comes Dick.
Check, please.
You know what? I've been thinking-- we should all attend the next black student union meeting.
Whatever.
Ok.
Well, maybe there's, like, a white one we could go to.
You think? Why not? Bartender excuse me, are there any white support groups in this area? You mean like those white power guys who meet out in hendersonville? White power.
That sounds uplifting.
Yeah.
Thank you, my white brother.
We'll have two orders of buffalo wings, please.
You people disgust me.
All right, make that one order of wings and one mozzarella sticks.
Anyway, it sounds like fun.
Yeah.
White people playing white games.
Having white discussions.
Yeah, where do white people go for really good pizza? I'd be interested to know.
Hey you think Barry white will sing? Why wouldn't he? Man over megaphone: look to ourselves and the future generation to seize control of our nation's destiny.
[Cheering] You say, what's involved? This is our nation.
We were here first.
We aren't goin' anywhere! [Cheering] Well, it's a good thing Barry white wasn't there.
Those guys were kind of creepy.
Why do you think they burned that giant lowercase letter "t"? I don't want to be a part of any group that hates the lowercase letter "T.
" No, they hated more than that.
They hated just about everybody.
You know what would be good? If people from different races could live together in peace and, oh, I don't know say, harmony? Harry, how did you come up with that? That is so brilliant.
You guys, that's the topic for our poetry contest! Uncharted territory! Get a pen! Get a pen! Oh, here comes Dick.
Check, please.
Oh, Nina, good.
I wanted to ask you, did people dress up in robes at your black student union meeting? No.
And, uh, was there a guy with a microphone shouting unattractively? No.
Ok, good.
One last question-- will you only rest when the blood of white people overflows the rivers of America and runs out to sea? No, I'll probably rest before that.
Any reason you ask? No, it's just that last night, I went to this rally in hendersonville-- you what?! You went to a white power rally? Because of you.
What?! What?! I--I didn't like it! Ok, so what rhymes with racism? Weigh station! All: yeah! Uh, that doesn't rhyme.
Yes, it does.
Ok, you know what rhymes with weigh station? Playstation.
That's it! Yeah, but, you guys, we already rhymed weigh station with racism.
They don't rhyme.
Playstation and weigh station rhyme better.
Yeah, and that way we can avoid the whole racism thing.
It's such a downer.
I know.
Isn't it the point that we want to talk about racism? Yes.
Poetry's hard.
Well, you know, poetry doesn't have to rhyme.
What? Yeah, poetry that doesn't win prizes.
You got that right.
I mean, read Walt Whitman.
He never rhymed.
Look, either rhyme something with Playstation or leave.
Claymation? Finally something we can use! All right.
Racism is as bad as claymation.
That is A maybe we don't have to rhyme.
That's a great idea.
Breakthrough.
Yeah.
Ok, class, here's your exam.
Just pass it around.
I only have one because my assistant Nina refuses to make me copies.
Did you do something rude like accuse her of not being completely black? All I did was go to a white power rally, and now she won't even talk to me.
You went to a white power rally? Well, I am white.
[Groans] That is such a white male rationalization.
Just deny the entire history of white oppression and then have the nerve to say that you want equality.
Oh, yeah, right.
White oppression.
I'm sure history really backs that one up.
Well, yeah.
There's, like, slavery.
Racial quotas.
Japanese internment camps.
Glass ceilings.
What are you talking about? I didn't do any of those things.
Let me ask you something.
Do you even have one black friend? Well, there's, uh, Nina.
She's your assistant.
Well, there's you, Caryn.
I'm your student.
Well, then, there'sAl roker.
He's on television! You're kidding, roke's on Tv? I got to give him a call! [Gasps] Ok, what? My students are right.
I colonized every continent.
I enslaved an entire people, and even after I abolished slavery, I--I continued to marginalize minorities with economic disincentives.
Don't let this eat you up.
Angel food cake is white.
Devil's food cake-- black! I know how you feel.
Who gets to make the first move in chess? The white guys.
Dick, I've been through this white guilt thing, too.
White guilt? Oh, yeah.
As a matter of fact, one of my ancestors was a proponent of slavery.
Who? Well, actually my mom.
How do you live with yourself? She's not me, and I've learned by observing her behavior that we have the power to do whatever we want.
We have the power to make changes in society.
We do? Absolutely.
So stop feeling guilty and do something.
After all, it's not like you picked the color of your skin, right? So, Mrs.
Dubcek, what do you think of the poem? Well, the thing about this contest is everybody in it is under the age of 10.
They're all kids? We are gonna kick ass.
Yes! Yeah! Uh, miss Dubcek, there's a man downstairs pounding on your door.
Oh, he woke up.
Maybe I should let him out.
Hey, Dick.
Hey.
Does anyone remember why we all decided to be white? Oh.
Um, I went with white 'cause I thought I'd be a little cooler in the summer.
Well, don't you remember, Dick? All the television signals that we picked up in outer space were filled with white people.
Oh, except for that, uh, that black nerd with the hiked-up pants and the oversized glasses.
What was his name? Bryant Gumbel.
Right.
Well, guess what? We've unwittingly aligned ourselves with the most despicable force in western civilization.
Bummer.
Yeah, but, Dick, we can't do anything about that.
We can't change society.
And that's where you're wrong.
Mary says we can, and you know what? I'm gonna do it.
Well, how? I'm gonna revitalize America's urban education system.
I'm gonna create enterprise zones to draw in investors.
I'm gonna set up a $1 billion minority scholarship fund, and I'd like us, as a family, to kick it with Sean "puffy" combs more often.
No, Dick, I meant it's against the rules of our mission to change society.
Oh, damn, you're right.
I guess I'll just have to concentrate on Nina.
Oh, Nina, good.
I'm glad I caught you.
Can I talk to you? What is it, Dr.
Solomon? No, no.
I'll just be a minute.
It has come to my attention, Nina, dear, that you have been placed in a servile role.
This job has put you on the fast track to nowhere, but all that is about to change.
I have some wonderful news for you.
What? Nina you're fired.
What?! Fly! Fly like a bird! Oh, you have finally lost it! Harsh medicine, I know, but it's what you need.
This job is what I need.
This job pays for my health insurance, and I get to take free classes.
Nina, sweetheart, trust me.
I know what's best for you.
You don't know what's best for me.
You don't even know me.
You think I'm some little helpless black girl who can't make it in the world without the help of some enlightened white guy showing her the way.
And you say I don't know you.
Dr.
Solomon, when I look at you, I don't see color.
I see a jackass.
Good night.
"It takes me everywhere, to places that I like.
And that is why, my friends, why I love my bike.
" Thank you.
[Applause] Not good.
Not a good poem.
Nope.
Apparently she didn't want to change the world.
Yeah.
She's just coasting on her looks.
Yup.
Hey, uh, Mrs.
Goltra, are we up next? Don't you think you're just a little too old for this poetry contest? Old? Maybe your ideas are too old.
Maybe you're just afraid of what we might say.
Yeah.
Maybe ageism has gotten the better of you, Mrs.
Goltra.
We're not leaving.
Fine.
Fine.
Just read your poem and don't break anything else.
Oh, my god.
Ok.
Shh.
"If we could change the world.
" Racism.
It's here.
Racism.
Stop racism.
Stop racism.
Stop.
Racism.
Stop! What? Well, you're standing on my foot.
All right! Shut up! Shut up! Never again should a Cherokee man board a commercial jet liner and be afraid that the cowboy pilot will take him and the rest of the passengers out.
Racism.
We dream of a world where every photo is in color, and black and white photography is a hilarious joke, akin to someone saying, "hey, your horse and buggy is here.
" Weigh station.
In this world, America will do the laundry of the Chinese.
All: and we will mix the whites and colors.
One load, one world! [Piano playing] Can't sleep at night can't sleep at night and you wonder why maybe god is trying to tell you something cry all night long cry all night long something's gone wrong something has gone wrong maybe god is trying to tell you something let the church say amen.
All: amen.
Dick: amen! If I could have your sweet attention, here at the piano.
[Playing] Dr.
Solomon, what are you doing here? There's something that needs to be said here, Nina.
[Gospel flourish] Sometimes a man, he thinks he knows everything.
But that man, he knows nothing.
He's so lost.
Never looks at life from any angle but his own.
But then one day, he sees the light.
He reads the books.
Learns black culture like a pro.
Difference between Malcolm x and Mr.
T? You just ask him.
But I pity the fool.
This fool, he thinks he knows everything.
But still, still, he knows nothing.
You know why? Why? He picked the white body.
Fool chose the white body he didn't know he had a whole rainbow to pick from.
Nobody told him.
Nobody told him but I, Dick Solomon, I need you to tell me, tell me that I can be a good man.
Tell me I can be good in spite of my color.
Dick Solomon, you can be good Dick Solomon, you can be good Nina Campbell what do you want?! Tell me I can be good.
Tell me, Nina! Tell me I can be good.
I suppose.
Nina, tell me.
Tell me you're my friend.
I'm your friend.
Yeah, we're all friends here.
Tell me you love me.
Dick Solomon, you can be good come on, tell me.
Dick Solomon, you can be good tell me I'm your savior! Good night, reverend.
Ok, that was just a little too much.
Nina! Nina! So How'd you guys do on the poetry contest? Eh, pretty good.
It was a little touch-And-go there for a while.
We had to wrestle the trophy away from that little blonde "winner.
" You know something? As long as we've been here, we've believed that, as aliens, we were superior.
But what I realized is nobody's superior.
We're all just different, that's all.
Yeah, Dick, like we're no better than humans? Yeah! Hey, you guys, look at this-- I'm human.
[Lowers voice] Can I get cheese on that? I was so blind I was so lost until you spoke to me oooh can't sleep at night and you wonder why maybe god is trying to tell you something cry all night long something has gone wrong maybe god is trying to tell you something one more time! Can't sleep at night and you wonder why maybe god is trying to tell you something