3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - The Loud Solomon Family: A Dickumentary

Why do these people insist on putting their biographies in the paper? Like they're so great.
"Beloved" this and "devoted" that.
Dr.
Solomon, those are the obituaries.
Well, I want one about me.
Hopefully soon.
Dick.
Oh, good, you're here.
Um, I want you to meet Jeffrey Malone.
He's from the Fleischman foundation.
Jeffrey, this is Dick Solomon.
Oh, so this is the guy.
Yeah, this is the guy.
And this guy and I have to have a little talk.
What is it, Mary? Remember that article I wrote last year-- "where's mommy?"-- Dissecting the post-nuclear American family? Oh, yes.
About that tyrannical blowhard and his ridiculous relatives.
Uh-huh.
Honey that was about you.
You mean I'm dirk Sullivan? Yes.
I've been observing your family for the past 4 years.
You've what?! And the Fleischman foundation has given me a grant to make a documentary on the typical American family.
Your family.
Finally-- the recognition I deserve! We'll be glorified as the ideal American family.
Not ideal so much as typical.
Nina.
Scratch the obituary.
I don't want to get overexposed.
Dr.
Albright is, uh she's right in there.
Dick, are you sure about this movie thing? Well, of course.
They totally buy us as a human family.
This is incredible validation of our mission.
Look, it's bad enough that Albright's been studying us for 4 years.
Now she wants to film us? I don't like it.
Why not? We could be exposed as aliens.
Maybe a few years ago when we were complete weirdos, but look at us now, lieutenant.
We are an ideal family.
We're perfect for this.
And what's more, we get a professionally produced record of our mission out of it.
Yeah, like a wedding video.
That's true, I mean, we screwed up every status report we ever tried to file.
Why not let Albright do it? Because it's too great a risk.
Oh, come on.
Every earth family wants to be immortalized on film.
Yeah, we'd be suspicious if we didn't want to do it.
Is that what you want, lieutenant? I didn't realize we were on a suicide mission.
Why don't we all wear t-shirts that say, "don't film us, we're aliens.
" Yeah.
Wee-ooh, wee-Ooh.
All right, all right.
I get your point.
Ok, everybody, I think we're about ready to start.
Now, remember, we are not here.
Uhwell, where-- where are you? We are here but we're not.
So just be yourselves.
That's what we need.
Just pretend these cameras are not here.
Just act perfectly naturally.
Ok.
But it's not natural to act like there aren't cameras here when there are cameras here.
That's true.
Uh-- I've got an idea.
Why don't we notice the cameras and then act surprised? Mary: no, no, no, no! That's not going to work.
Ok.
Start.
What's wrong? Aren't you going to say "action"? Sally, this is a documentary.
You don't have to say "action.
" Action! Just 30 years ago, the traditional 2-parent nuclear family was the norm.
But in our increasingly fragmented 500-channel world, all that has changed.
To quote myself in an article I wrote that inspired this film, where has that norm gone, and will we ever get it back? How do I look? Do I look fat? Notfat.
What's that supposed to mean? Shh! Dick: we're just an average family.
I suppose, to the outsider, we might seem a little unorthodox, but what does this "outsider" know anyway? Who is he to judge us? Screw him.
Uh, well, this is my room.
Uh, let's see.
At night sometimes, the moon cuts through the Mullers' tree over there and makes some real weird shadows in here.
Sometimes when it's windy, you can hear scratchy noises out at the window, um Dick and Sally say that it's just branches, butman, sometimes it sounds like a dead guy's fingers.
Um, me and Don-- oh, that's my boyfriend.
Don.
That's my boyfriend.
Um, we've been through a lot together.
Uh I lost my virginity.
That was big.
Um, then I moved out on my own.
And then I moved back in.
So basically, I'm a nonvirgin who's moved twice.
That's not bad.
Yeah.
There was a time in my life when I considered being the Ceo of a fortune 500 company.
But in a situation like that, you really have to ask yourself, "have I been offered this job?" Mary: the dinner hour at the Solomon's house.
A time for eating and a time for revelations.
"There is no substitute for hard work.
" Oh.
How true is that.
Harry, what does yours say? Oh.
Um "your life is like a kitesomehow.
" Harry, did you eat yours again? Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Hey, you guys, check mine out.
Ahem.
"You are a gifted leader who will inspire many.
" Sally, I think that one was meant for me.
This must be yours.
"A smile opens many doors," no.
I think I'll stick with the one I got, thanks.
Come on, Sally, it's clearly a mix-up.
Hand it over.
You're not getting my fortune, Dick.
You are playing with fate.
Now give me back my damn fortune, lieutenant! Dick? What? Lieutenant.
That's, uh it's a nickname.
Our dad used to call me that.
Right.
'Cause he was in the navy.
Yeah.
That's why we moved around so much.
Mary: Dick, you never told me about that.
Well, it was top secret.
We actually, uh, lived in a submarine for 2 years.
Yeah.
A yellow one.
Dad's a great guy.
You'll really like him.
Mary: Dick, you always said your father was dead.
She meant, you'll like his corpse.
Family meeting.
"We lived on a submarine.
" What was that? Well, if you hadn't called her lieutenant-- hi.
Excuse us.
Sally: I told you this was a bad idea.
Dick: calm down.
I think we're still coming off quite nicely, me especially.
Yeah.
You're looking good.
Well, I am so glad you're pleased with yourself, but I, for one, do not want to be exposed.
Mary: exposed as what? Exposed? Sally didn't say "exposed.
" Mary: we have it on film, Dick.
Well, it--it's just that, uh, Sally doesn't want to be exposed for what she really is.
Which is, uh a lesbian.
No way! No, I'm not.
I--I date Don.
Mary: then what is it, Sally? What are you afraid of being exposed as? A lesbian.
And we're so proud of her.
Well, onwards and upwards.
Thanks, Dick.
Thanks a heap.
Can I be there when Don finds out? Only if I can be there when Alissa finds out your little secret.
What? Bed wetter.
Excuse me? I'm just trying to tell the truth here.
Ohhdude.
Well, that's our 2 secrets.
Every family has 2, and you've got ours.
Well, if I do wet my bed, it's only because I'm afraid of you.
Afraid of me? Why would you be afraid of me? Don't hit me! Sally, protect me, please! How dare you accuse me of that, you little runt! There.
You see why I prefer women? Sorry.
Mary, we made a mess of your film.
Obviously, all this is unusable.
I know how important this is to you.
But how about I go out and buy you a nice lunch? You're still filming, aren't you? Well, all right.
It's fine.
It's no problem.
Because, uhwe are an ideal family.
Please stop.
Tommy: this is bad.
It's very, very bad.
Ok.
I say we start a fire, pull the fire alarm, and then the whole audience will clear out.
Why don't we just pull the fire alarm? Without a fire? That's illegal.
You want me to get in trouble or somethin'? Pipe down.
The more we talk, the worse we look.
Shh! Don't shush me.
I'm shushing them.
The next morning found the Solomons in an outwardly jovial mood, but it was clear the revelations of the night before had taken its toll.
Here, Sally.
I got you this book.
It's called Ohio's best lesbian hikes.
Aw, thanks, Tommy.
Now I can walk and kiss women at the same time.
Well, good.
You know, Tommy, I'm hittin' the mall this afternoon to pick up some sensible shoes.
How are you fixed for fresh, dry bedding? I'm doing just fine, but thanks anyway, butch.
Is that any way for an ideal family to behave? I don't think so.
Don't you hit me! I am not hitting you.
It hurts me on the inside, every time! Hey, Albright! Who do I have to sleep with to get some face time around here? Sure.
I don't have a glamorous problem like Tommy or Sally, but, you know, it's a burden being the perfect one in the family.
Would you like to know how I handle it? Mary: tell us, Harry.
I got me a little drinkin' problem.
Yeah, that's right.
Perfect, happy little Harry.
Well, maybe he's not so perfect after all, huh? Oh, wait a minute.
Now you're going to hound me with your cameras, aren't you? Well, whatever.
Mary: in retrospect, Harry's problem should have been obvious all the telltale signs were there: forgetfulness, moodiness [Thump] Lack of coordination.
It was hard to watch.
The Solomons are lovely people.
Very nice.
They're clean.
They never complain, and, as for the noise, well, I think they've gotten used to it.
Mary: how do you think they function without a traditional mother figure? You said you were going to let me tap dance.
When do I get to tap dance? Sally's not yet comfortable with her own sexuality, but that will come in time.
There's just so much a brother can do.
Mary: but what about Harry? Oh, Harry's straight as an arrow.
He's just not very bright.
I'm talking about his drinking problem.
What? Harry doesn't have a drinking problem.
Yes, he does, Dick.
I never authorized any drinking problem.
Excuse me.
Harry? I'll get to the bottom of this.
Harry, are you in here? Where are you going? Nowhere.
I was just getting ready to take a shower.
Harry? Sally: la la, takin' a shower damn! Harry! Taking a shower let's move.
What's with the camera? Aw, crikey! Mary: where are you going? We have a date.
No.
Uh, no.
Mm-Mm.
This is not a date.
It's not? No.
Now let's go.
Mary: Sally, have you told him? Of course I've told him.
Now let's get-- told me what? Harry! Sally, why aren't you in the shower? Oh, great.
Look, Don, um you and I have something in common.
What? We both like the ladies.
Of course we both like--Huh? I am a gay woman.
You're kidding me.
She's kidding me.
Is she kidding me? She's kidding me, right? Sally, you're going back into that house! Ow! You're the reason I'm gay! Is this candid camera? No, this isn't candid camera.
I can see the freakin' camera! Aah--hey! Donny! Whoo-whoo! Harry, there you are.
Oh, buzz off! Honk the horn! Step away from the vehicle.
Step away from the vehicle.
What do you think you're doing? I was just trying to get some attention.
Attention? What a stupid, idiotic-- Cry for help, you poor thing.
Don't worry, Harry.
We're gonna get through this together.
[Burp] Come on, Don, what's the big deal? No big deal.
My longtime girlfriend's a lesbian.
I'll just walk it off.
You've still been, you know, sleeping with her and whatnot, haven't you? Well, yeah.
Then what's the problem? I'll bet she just thinks of you as a woman.
What? You've got a strong feminine side.
I always feel like I can go to you for advice, fashion tips.
Well, it's no great talent.
Some colors just go together.
If I was a lesbian, you're the kinda lady I'd wanna be with.
I'm not surprised Harry has a drinking problem.
Being around Dr.
Solomon messes people up in the head.
You should know.
You're sleeping with him.
I bet you don't have the guts to put that in your film.
Yes, I do have the guts.
Hey, how ya doin'? Hello.
What's going on? Oh.
They're making a documentary about my family.
How could you not tell me there were cameras in there? I have, like, the zit of the century.
What, that? Oh, come on.
Oh, my god.
Make them go away.
Alissa, please, give me a break.
That is nothing.
Nothing? If people at school see this, I will be so embarrassed.
[Mimicking] I will be so embarrassed.
You think you'll be embarrassed, wait till the whole school finds out I'm a bed wetter.
Huh? Oh, my god.
I--I didn't know.
Well, now you know.
I'm so sorry.
Look, I don't want your pity, Rudolph.
At least Rudolph doesn't have to wear diapers.
They're pull-ups! Call them what they are! Come on.
But I don't want to.
Harry, say it.
My name is Harry, and I'm an alcoholic.
Okthis is triple "A.
" I'm thirsty.
So the big man likes to drink, is that it? Yeah, that's right.
So let me pour you a drink.
You're gonna drink this whole bottle of booze.
And then you're gonna drink another and another until you are so sick that you're never gonna want to look at a bottle of booze again.
Can I have a lime? What are you doing? I'm saving your brother's life.
Because I love him.
Oh, great plan, Dick.
How you gonna help me, make me sleep on an electric blanket? What I do, I do for our family.
Oh, please.
What you do, you do for yourself.
I mean, my god, look at us.
Yeah.
All 'cause you wanted to be in some movie.
Oh, come on! You wanted to do it, too.
You manipulate.
Yeah! Yeah! Where would you all be without my manipulation? I was just trying to be a good alcoholic for you.
[All arguing at once] You want some secrets, Albright? Hmm? You want the big, fat family secret? Tommy? What are you doing? Dick's not even my real father.
Come on, aunt Sally, uncle Harry.
The lesbian has left the building.
I think they just occasionally, we have a little, uh it's healthy for an ideal family to this movie is over! Sometimes a film captures the truth.
Sometimes a film creates its own truth.
I'm Dr.
Mary Albright.
Ph.
D.
Thank you.
Bravo! Bravo! Thank you all so-- and I thought my family was screwed up.
You made me laugh, you made me cry.
Oh, my god, they actually like us.
Wow.
Tommy.
You were so dark and troubled and screwed up.
I am so lucky.
Ha.
Oh, that's great.
Hey, you wanna get some punch? Umit's a little close to bedtime, isn't it? Sally? I want you to know that I accept you for who you are, and if we end up being just friends-- Sally.
Don.
Oh, man.
Wow.
You just kissed the gay right outta me.
I did? Uh-huh.
What can I say? It's a gift.
So, uh, what did you think? Hmm? Oh, it was terrific.
Really good.
You really think so? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, uh, do you think I have a shot with that tap dancing lady? Oh, I think you've got more than a shot.
Mary, what say we go back to your place and make a little film of our own? Are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting? Oh, yeah.
A movie about me without the rest of the family.
I was thinking "a day in the life.
" You follow me to the office-- don't film Nina.