3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Gwen, Larry, Dick and Mary

Sally, could you pass us some of that corn? Sure.
Thank you.
Dick, wouldn't you prefer it if we sat together? Oh, of course I would, Mary, but you didn't call shotgun quickly enough.
Well, nobody told me I had to.
Crybaby.
Look, I'm not going to go over the rules again, Albright.
Better luck next time, Ok? It's a beautiful night, isn't it? Oh.
Yeah.
Actually, it's a little warm for my tastes.
Well, that's an interesting look, Harry.
Well, it was the last clean piece of laundry in the house.
Our washer and dryer broke.
We're waiting for Dubcek's nephew to get out of rehab so he can fix it.
Remember that odd smell in the office today, Mary? I said it was Nina's leftover paella.
Well, it wasn't.
Oh, come on.
Look, I hate the laundromat as much as anybody, but just go and wash your clothes.
Laundry-mat? So you're saying we can just prance into this laundry-mat with our dirty clothes? And use their washers and dryers? [Sarcastically] Yeah, right.
That'll work.
Dick, please can I sit in front? Forget about it, Chickie.
My poor Mary.
You miss me.
I'll tell you what.
Sally, you move up here.
I want to go sit next to my wee bonnie lass.
Now this is more like it.
Yeah.
That's the stuff.
Dick, your family.
No, no, no.
They don't mind.
Yeah, we won't look.
Make your move! Oh, go ahead.
No, no, no morning, Mary! Ahh, I had a great time last night, didn't you? No.
Dick, I cannot do that again.
Oh, you're right.
Next time, maybe we should all just stay home and have game night.
No.
No offense, but I cannot spend another evening playing chutes and ladders with Sally, Tommy, and Harry.
What about kerplunk? No, Dick.
We need to socialize with other people.
Ri--what about hungry, hungry hippos? Dick.
I'm serious.
We need to broaden our social horizons.
Go out with another couple.
Another couple? Why would we want to go out with another couple? It'll be fun.
I don't know, Mary.
How do you know? It could be really weird.
Us? Alone with 2 people? A whole dinner? What if nobody even talked? I don't think it's worth the risk.
Do it for me.
Ok.
Now we just have to think of a couple that would be fun to go out with.
Judith is always talking about her boyfriend Trent.
Dick, I'm not sure but I think Trent may be imaginary.
Yeah.
Nina, you have a boyfriend now, don't you? I sure do.
Well, how about the 2 of you and the 2--- no.
There's a woman in my tennis clinic-- Gwen McMICHAEL, very sweet.
I'll call her and see if she and her husband would like to join us for dinner.
Uh, all right.
But just to be safe, I'd better bring along candyland.
Oh, my god.
Look at this place.
Those interlocking chairs go on for miles.
It's so bright.
Like heaven.
Look at all the machines.
We could do more than one load at once.
Yes! Now all my cute little tops will never again cross paths with your skidmarked jockeys.
This is the future.
Oh, it's broadband, baby.
Hello.
Why aren't they here? I bet they're not coming.
Oh, just relax.
They're 2 minutes late.
Well, then, they're just plain rude.
We should leave.
Dick, sit.
Oh, here they are.
Gwen.
Mary.
Hi! Hi! You look so nice.
Oh, I love your jacket.
Oh, Ralph Lauren.
You must be Larry.
I must be.
I hope we haven't kept you waiting too long.
Oh, no, not at all.
I love watching people.
It's what I do.
After all I do have a Ph.
D.
In anthropology.
Oh! This is Dick.
Dick? My name is Dick Solomon.
I'm from Ohio.
I like to read books.
My favorite color is red.
I--I teach physics, and my dream is to someday learn to ride a bicycle.
That's an icebreaker if I've ever heard one.
Why don't you sit down? I'm Larry McMICHAEL.
I'm in printing.
I like fly-fishing, and my dream is to find a wife who won't spend so darn much money.
Oh, you! Waiter! Could I get a bottle of your best red wine? On me.
Oh, why, thank you, Larry.
You know, Mary, if it were up to my husband, we'd probably never socialize at all.
I mean, we'd probably never even leave the house.
Why should I leave the house? I've got cable.
He's got cable.
The only television I watch is the history channel.
Anyway, why don't we order? These guys are probably starving.
Dick's eaten Oh, you.
It's true.
It is not.
Come on, guys.
We don't have a full load yet.
Is this washable? Sure.
Well, everybody, I'm off.
How was last night? Oh, Mary and I had the most wonderful time with Larry and Gwen McMICHAEL.
We spent over an hour talking about movies.
Then Mary and Gwen got into a huddle and talked about gardening while Larry and I talked about traffic.
It turns out he hates it as much as I do.
That sounds great.
You know, you guys want to have a really good time? You should all come to the Rutherford rinse with us.
Yes, about that.
Sally, Tommy, Harry, please sit down.
There's something I have to tell you and it's not going to be easy.
I know how much you all enjoy the times that you've spent with Mary and me, Dick, is that vest a little stinky? Maybe a little.
Ok, give it.
But Mary and I have come to a decision.
You know I think those pants might be a little crusty, too.
Yeah.
Stand up.
We want to spend all of our free time with Gwen and Larry.
Mary says, and I have to agree with her, that it's rare for 2 couples to mesh together so perfectly.
And so I'm afraid that means that we won't be spending any more time with the 3 of you.
Aw, that's a shame.
Hey, got any quarters? Yeah.
There's a couple in the left-hand pocket.
Ok.
Great.
See you later.
Bye-Bye.
Need any help? Thanks.
No.
Thank you.
[Dryer buzzes] Aah! That's us.
Ok.
Grab that basket.
Hey, hey, what are you doing? That's my basket.
But you're not using it.
I will when my clothes are done.
No, see, ours are done now.
Congratulations.
What's her problem? I don't know.
Whatever.
Look, let's just use that dryer.
These clothes have been done forever.
Hey! What do you think you're doing? You're touching my stuff.
It was done.
Yeah, you weren't here.
You don't touch other people's stuff.
I knew this place was too good to be true.
It's Ok.
Just stay calm now.
Everything's fine.
We're just going to go over here and do another load of laundry.
Ok.
Hey, that's my machine! What're you talking about? It's empty.
No, I put my magazine on it to hold it.
What's that supposed to do? This is chaos.
Look, you cannot reserve anything with a magazine.
That's right.
I'm sorry, man.
Those are the rules.
Whose rules? My rules.
Can I at least get my magazine back? No.
Yeah, you keep walking, jerky.
Run! Match point! Would you serve, already? Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Got it! Switch! Game.
Set.
Match.
Eat dirt, you McMICHAELS.
Aah! I should have warned you I played tennis in college.
Great game, partner! So, who's up for a beer, huh? Oh, that sounds great.
I don't think we can.
We've got a carpet guy coming.
Oh, well, what about after? Ah, well, you know they have to measure, and that just takes forever.
You know, we should really get going, Gwen.
Yeah.
Hey.
You want to go see that new Norwegian film? I did a post-thesis dig on a fjord near where it was shot.
True story.
So, should I get some tickets? Oh, gosh.
I think we've got something on our calendar.
Anyway we'll give you a buzz.
Take care, now.
Maybe we can get together next weekend.
Buzz buzz.
We'll give you a buzz.
Mary, have they called back yet? Gwen and Larry? No.
I've left several messages, though.
Oh, why haven't they returned our calls? This is madness.
Mary, let's try them again.
Oh, Dick, no.
I don't want to appear too desperate.
But we are! Maybe they don't like you as much as you thought.
Maybe they're dead.
Do you think they're brushing us off? Well, why would they do that? Dr.
Solomon, when you're around them, are you just being yourself? Well, of course I am.
Hmm.
There you go.
Larry! Oh, there you are.
Thank god.
You're alive.
Dick.
Gwen! Oh! Oh! Dick, what are you doing here? Why haven't you returned our calls? Please tell me it's because you don't know how to use your answering machine.
Well, Gwen.
We've been sort of busy.
Busy? Busy playing tennis without us? Why? Was it something I did? No.
No.
It wasn't you at all.
We like you, Dick.
Oh, thank god.
You like me.
So there's no problem.
Unless, of course, you don't like Mary.
Oh, my god.
You don't like Mary.
It's not that we don't like her, Dick.
It's just that well, she's kind of oh, I don't know tedious.
Yeah.
Pretentious? And completely self-Absorbed.
Mary? We're sorry, Dick, but her credit card says "Mary Albright, Ph.
D.
" Now that's just yucky.
But you've got her all wrong.
Mary is a wonderful person.
You hardly even know her.
Dick.
You've got to give her another chance.
Please.
For me.
Well, maybe we were a little quick to judge.
Larry? Wouldn't be the first time.
We said we'd never use that outdoor chicken rotisserie, and what did we have for dinner last night? Rotisserie chicken.
Guilty! So, that means you'll give her another chance? Ok.
Sure.
Oh, great.
All right.
What have we got, Tommy? The lady says she stepped out of the laundromat to get a coffee.
When she returned, her slipcovers had been removed from the dryer and placed on the folding table.
She also claims they were still wet.
Is this a fact, sir? He moved my stuff.
I am not talking to you.
I'm saying, I went-- zip it! Tommy [Clears throat] Why don't you tell our friend here the rules.
The rules are: you are not to remove someone else's moist items from the dryer.
Now, was it moist? It was damp.
Don't pee on my shoes and tell me the washer's leaking.
Now, was it moist? It was moist, ma'am.
Crowd: ahh! What is the matter with these people? Beats me, ma'am.
You, buster, you better grow up.
You owe this woman of drying time.
I told you.
And you, young lady, you better drop that attitude.
Here's a little piece of advice-- you've heard this before-- Colors fade but dumb is forever.
Next! So even though I had vying for me, I chose Pendleton because, I don't know, there was something quaint about it.
Oh, quaint.
Yeah.
Really? You don't mean quaint.
You mean humble, don't you, Mary? She means humble.
Mary loves humble things.
Oh, there was a certain je Ne sais-- breadsticks.
Who wants a tasty breadstick? I'm so glad Dick finally got in touch with you.
I was beginning to think you didn't like us.
How silly.
Don't be so needy, Mary.
[Clears throat] So, uh, let's order.
Gwen, do you want to split a Caesar? I'll let you have all the anchovies.
You got a deal.
Great.
Here is an interesting little anthropological tidbit from this photographic mind of mine.
Did you know that the anchovy was the staple food of the Phoenicians? I didn't know that.
And they're so little.
Why don't we get a bottle of wine for the table.
Yes, a nice buttery chardonnay.
Not too oaky.
No, we wouldn't want it to be too oaky.
Mary, maybe you don't need anything to drink tonight.
What?! Well, darling, you know how sleepy and long-winded wine makes you.
No, actually, let's get a bottle of wine.
I feel like we're going to need it.
Good times.
Get out of here.
Sally? Got some bad news.
Oh, my god.
Tommy, what is it? It's about the washer and dryer at home.
I'm afraid that they've been fixed.
No! Sally, it's Ok.
But--but these people need me.
Sally, you've got to be strong.
For them.
It's Ok.
It's all right.
I know.
I know.
Hey, I was hoping you'd come back.
I came back to say good-Bye.
Well, can't we go across the street to the diner and get a cup of coffee or something? June bug what we had here was very special.
Hum of the dryers, fluorescent lights, sweet, sweet smell of softener sheets.
But take that away, and I'm afraid we got nothing.
What are you, some kind of moron? I know it's hard to understand, but, uh, at least we'll always have this, huh? And this.
Hey! Oh, that's gross.
That's right.
That's right.
Fight daddy.
Fight daddy.
So, anyway, after graduate school, I took this trip through wine country, and the funniest thing happened.
Is this the one where she meets the guy who looks just like tony Curtis? No, this is the stunner where she forgot that the dog was blind.
Oh, have I told this already? Yes, Mary.
You've told it already.
Thank you, Dick.
Tell it again.
Oh, Dick, I--I-- tell it again! I don't think Gwen and Larry want to hear it-- I don't give a flying fudgsicle what Gwen and Larry want.
Both: what?! Look at you two sitting there all fake smiles and fake friendly.
Looking all fake with your fakeness and your fake little world.
How dare you?! Get out! Come on, Gwen.
I have never noticed it before, but you look capable of violence.
I'll show you who's capable of violence.
Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! What the hell just happened here? Mary, there's something I haven't told you about those two.
What? They don't-- they don't-- I don't like them.
Why? They're tedious and pretentious and completely self-Absorbed.
Mary, our time together is too precious to waste with people like that.
They were getting a little dull.
I found myself doing all the talking.
I could listen to you all day.
So, anyway, the trip through wine country.
I was with my friend Charlotte.
And we-- didn't you forget the part about the train ride? Yeah--have I told this already? No.
So, anyway, Charlotte's French Both: wasn't very good.
And I, of course, had just come back from the Sorbonne, so we're sitting at this table, and a man approaches the table wearing the most humongous collar now isn't this better, Mary? I suppose.
We don't need to be out with another couple, now do we? No.
Ok, Albright.
In the back.
This is ridiculous, the next time I'm sitting in the front.
I call shotgun for next time.
I call shotgun for time after that.
Shotgun infinity.
Can she call shotgun infinity? I'm afraid so.
Yes!