3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - This Little Dick Goes to Market

Sally, Harry, welcome to the Rutherford P.
D.
Gym.
Aw, this place is cool.
Yeah, this is where we boys in blue sweat and strain day in and day out, week after week, all so that we may better protect and serve.
Mm.
Is it always this crowded? I don't know.
I've never been here before.
Oh.
Yo, tanner.
Oh, you're lookin' good, baby.
Hey, musky.
What's up, buddy? Nice to see you.
Yo, big dog! What's up, baby? What's going on over here? That's our new rookie-- toughest one we've ever had.
Oh, yeah? Well, I'd better meet this new rookie and take him down a notch before his head gets too big.
Hey, rookie.
Sally, this is Janice, the newest member of the force.
Janice, this is my girlfriend Sally.
Pleasure to meet you, Sally.
Oh, no.
The pleasure's all m--mercy! And, uh, who's this little fella? They call me Harry.
And I answer to it.
Well, I wish I could stay, but I'm off to do my 10-mile run.
It was nice to meet you.
[Purring] Stop it.
All right.
What's the deal with her, Don? She's all show and no go.
Am I right? Oh, anything but, Sally.
She's strong as an ox, smart as a whip, and tough as a Sunday steak on Thursday.
She's like robocop.
Oh, so she's a robot.
That's no robot, Sally.
Robot don't smell that good.
Wow.
The Nasdaq just exploded another 150 points.
Ka-Ching.
I cannot believe how well our stocks are doing.
kind of growth, and we'll never have to see each other again.
Yeah! Whoo! Hi, guys.
What's all the excitement about? Dick, did you see what the market did today? Oh.
Yes, they switched the canned goods to aisle 6.
Why do you think I'm late? She's talking about the stock market, you idiot.
The stock market? It went up 150 points.
Everybody's cleaning up.
That biotech company doesn't know it, but they just bought me a new snowboard.
And I'm doing so well, I just bought myself a cherry-red bass boat.
She is a beaut.
How are your stocks, doing, Dick? Uh, my stocks? You wish you had my stocks.
He doesn't own any stocks.
You're a liar, Dick.
A liar, huh? Yeah, well, then, how come this liar made enough money off the stock market to pay for A a 6-day trip? Yeah, for Mary and me, to sunny Cancun.
Sunny Cancun?! Dick, are you serious? Of course I'm serious.
But now, thanks to Strudwick, the surprise is gone.
I'm gonna have to cancel the whole shebang.
Oh, Dick, don't do that.
I've always dreamed of going to the Yucatan.
Come on, Mary, it's not about the trip.
It's really about the surprise.
No, forget the surprise.
I mean, 6 days in sunny Cancun.
Well, if you insist.
Oh, Dick! Yes.
4 days in sunny Cancun.
That's what I said.
All right, Tommy.
We were lucky enough to land on earth in the middle of the biggest bull market in history, so it's time that we took advantage of it.
And you expect to make enough money in the stock market to take Albright to Cancun.
Yeah.
But if we'd found out about the stock market when we first landed here, we would own freakin' Cancun.
Excuse me.
I read all about it right after we landed.
Well, why didn't you say anything? Dick, I was I wasn't obsessed with money.
I was obsessed with boobs.
Well, why haven't you said anything since? Again, boobs.
Come on, help me out.
The first thing we have to do is pick some stocks.
Whoa.
That one went up 70%.
Wow.
That must be the best one.
We should put all our money in there.
But there's so many of them.
Don't you think we should diversify a little? Now, you see that, Tommy? That's why you'll never get to Cancun.
I'm just saying-- no, let me explain.
Let's say that these eggs represent all our money.
And these containers represent stocks.
I'm with you.
Now, if one of these stocks is doing better than all the others, then we should put all our money in that stock.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
So we should put all of our eggs in one basket.
No.
We should put all our eggs in one bucket.
No eggs in the basket? Forget the basket.
I don't know, Dick.
It sounds risky.
I mean, what if we lose? Ah, well, but what if we win? Yeah, but what if we lose? But what if we win? Lo-- Wi-- ahh! Ahh! [Puffing] Hi, Sally.
Harry, when we first landed on this planet, I was a fierce warrior.
I used to break down doors and beat up auto mechanics.
I'm still a bad-ass, right? You terrify me on a daily basis.
Yeah, I'm afraid to ask you to pass the salt.
See? That's what I thought.
So then there's no doubt that I'm still the toughest woman in Rutherford, right? Well, actually Janice could kick your butt.
You're just saying that 'cause you have a crush on her.
I have a crush on her because she can kick your butt.
Oh, yeah? Yeah.
Well, let me tell you something, little buddy.
There's only one person who could kick my butt, and that is me.
Oh.
Hello, Janice.
I bet you can't catch me.
Ooh! Uh-oh.
Whooh.
[Purring] So, are you ready, Tommy? I am ready, Dick.
All right.
All we have to do is hit the return key, and the order will go right in.
All right.
I'll press it.
No.
I wanna press it.
I'd really like to press it.
Let me press it.
I wanna press it.
I'm the ranking-- Ok, all right.
We'll press it together.
All right.
Ok.
And and yes! We're in.
Yeah! Congratulations, Tommy.
We just bought 100 shares of Eversoll, incorporated.
That felt so good.
That felt great.
It sure did, Tommy.
It sure did.
What do you think we should do now? I think we should just sit back, relax, and let the money work for us.
There's no use worrying about everything.
Yeah, you're absolutely right.
I'm gonna go out and get myself a sandwich.
I'm meeting some friends.
Ok.
Take care.
Bye-bye.
Where's it at? We're up 1/8! We're brilliant! Yeah! Yeah! Oh, Sally, what a pleasant surprise.
Later, hon.
I'm here to see Janice.
Hi, Sally.
Hey.
Pee wee.
Don't you look nice today.
Well, thank you.
And may I say that the color of your uniform really brings out your lats.
It actually does.
Hey, Janice, you know what? You have arms, and I have arms.
What do you say we pit 'em against each other in a test of strength? You mean, like arm-Wrestling? No.
Like this.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Well, Ok.
Hey, hey, hey, hey! You can't arm-wrestle in the middle of a police station.
Why not? The boys haven't gotten their bets in yet.
This is so silly.
I know.
It's crazy.
I wanna see her bleed.
Oh, I know you'll do great.
Ahem! Ready and begin.
You weren't ready, were you? No, no, no.
I wasn't ready.
I wasn't anywhere near ready.
Maybe we should try it on a 3-count.
Hey, that's a great idea, Janice.
Let's do that.
Ok.
Ready? One Did I do that wrong again? Yeah.
You see, you went on 3, and I thought we were going after 3.
Jeez, I'm sorry, Sally.
No, no.
It's Ok, sweetie.
You'll get it.
Now this time, on 3.
Ok? All right.
On 3.
Ok.
Ok.
One Agh! Sally, I am so sorry.
Yeah, well, that, uh that whole counting thing, it's tripping you up.
Sojust give me a call when you figure out how to count.
Hey, Harry.
Where you goin'' well, that's for me to know and for you to find out.
Please find out.
Cancun is for lovers, Mary.
I want you to buy anything you like, no matter how ridiculously overpriced or frivolous.
Are you sure? Oh, absolutely.
My stock was at 38 this morning and according to my nifty new pager, it's already jumped up to 44.
Well, in that case, I'll go check out the swimsuits.
Oh, and, uh while you're at it, darling, why don't you pick us up a pair of those matching sarongs.
Uh.
And get us a couple that don't match.
Ok.
Oh, my god.
42.
Where did 44 go? Wait a minute.
It's back down to 38.
Do you think this is real silk? It can't be.
Nah.
I didn't think so.
I wonder if I should get this in a 6 or an 8.
Higher.
Go higher.
Ok.
A 10.
Can I get away with a mesh middle? Oh, god! No! Tommy.
Tommy, did you see this? We lost everything, Dick.
But why? How did it happen, Tommy? What made the stock go down? Well, that's the funny thing.
It was just a little rumor, see? A rumor? They reported it on Cnn.
Said the company had a little problem with overspending.
Overspending.
But a rumor can't do that much harm, can it? Oh, a rumor? No.
It can just turn a sweet girl into a whore and a rich man into a pauper! Well, we're not down yet.
If one rumor can send our stock tumbling, then another one can bring it back up again.
Follow my lead.
Now, tom, keep this close to your chest, but I heard a rumor about Eversoll, inc.
Eversoll, inc.
? Isn't that a small company that manufactures toasters? That's right.
Toasters.
Wow-wee! That is cutting-edge technology.
That's right, but here's the big news.
Rumor has it that the average Chinese person is eating more toast than ever.
It's the hip new food.
Rice is out, and toast is in.
Toast, eh? So that means that the Chinese will be buying toasters up the ying-yang.
And that means that we'll be buying Eversoll up the ying-yang.
Eversoll! Solomon! What are you doing? Vincent, Judith.
Oh, gosh, I hope you didn't hear what I just said.
I'm trying not to give you two a hot stock tip.
Yeah, so are you interested, or aren't you? Oh, please.
If I haven't seen a detailed description of a company's financials, I don't want to own it.
I'm not asking you to own it, you thick-head.
I just need you to buy some stock.
That's what happens when you buy stock, you thick-head.
You own a piece of the company.
You're kidding.
Duh! Hey, Sally.
Harry, what's happened to me? Still thinking about Janice, huh? Yeah.
Me, too.
I've always been stronger than anyone I've ever known.
It's the most important thing to me.
Somehow, I lost my edge.
She made me fall in love with her.
My assignment on this mission is to protect the unit, but I am powerless against her.
She's a voodoo mama.
I'm a soldier, damn it.
This is unacceptable.
I wonder if she sleeps naked commando-style.
I have to destroy her.
If I can't I don't deserve to be here.
I bet I could climb her like a tree.
I'd be like a 5-year-old at Disneyland.
[Elevator bell dings] [Doors close] All right, Tommy, as owners of Eversoll, inc, we must find a way to cut the overspending that is bringing this company to its knees and keeping me from going to sunny Cancun.
Let's trim the fat.
To the bone.
[Ding] Is this the right floor? Who cares? Hey.
What are you doing lollygagging about? Lollygagger.
You.
Get off the phone.
See me in my office.
Get him an office.
Hey.
I notice you're all drinking from separate cups.
One cup per group.
We're trying to run a business here.
Not a water-drinking factory.
What is with all the computers in here? Hasn't anybody heard of an abacus? Hey, you.
Walk with me.
What do you do here? I'm the Vp in charge of marketing.
Enjoying yourself? Oh, yeah.
I love the work.
The hours are great, and the day care is really convenient.
You hear that, Tommy? I sure do, Dick.
Shut down the day care, make this guy work weekends, and then fire him.
No one has this much fun on my dime.
[Stammering] What are these, paintings? You don't need art to run a business.
Sell! Sell! Sell! Hey, you can't go in there.
There's a board meeting in session.
Without calling me? You're fired.
I'll say it again.
This doesn't fly.
I want to see earnings-- Who the hell are you? I'll take this chair, if you don't mind.
So, where were we? Cost cutting.
That's right.
I've gone over the numbers a million times, and I still don't see how you can justify spending that much money for a table this long.
Feedback? Yeah.
Who are you? Who are you? Bob gander.
Hi, bob.
You're fired.
As a matter of fact, you're all fired.
Now just a second.
You can't fire me.
I'm john Eversoll, president of this company, and just who do you think you are? I am the noble stockholder.
It is I who paid for your desk.
It is I who bought this office building.
And without my investment dollars, you would have nothing.
Am I your boss? No.
I am your god.
Tommy, how's our stock doing? It dropped a point.
Oh, yeah? You're fired.
Excuse me?! Eversoll: get them out of here.
Wait.
Do we need I don't think so.
Fire them both and get one big one.
There you are.
Hey, Sally.
Good to see you.
Not for long.
What are you doing? What am I doing? What am I doing? I'm taking you on, I'm taking you down, and I'm taking you out, baby.
You are about to become a stain and a memory! Sally, don't do this.
Aw.
What are you afraid of? You afraid someone's gonna knock you off your perch, huh? Prepare to die! Can I go one week without hearing that? What? Why is everyone always trying to take me on? There's a person inside of me.
I know what you're trying to do.
You're trying to soften me up before you go in for the kill, but it ain't gonna happen.
You are going down.
[Crying] Hey.
Hey, no crying.
Illegal move.
I'm sorry.
It's just everyone always sees me as this tough warrior but I'm a woman, and I'm soft inside.
[Weepy] I'm soft inside, too.
No one understands.
I do.
Sally, I thought we could be friends.
Oh, Janice, we can be friends.
[Both crying] Are you trying to flip me? Yeah, I am.
Not gonna happen.
[Sobbing] I know.
Dick? What are you doing on the roof? We're supposed to be going to sunny Cancun.
I'm gonna jump, Mary, and don't try to stop me.
The hotel's on a cliff.
Do you wanna try it down there? Forget the hotel.
Forget the trip.
I lied about getting rich off the stock market.
Sowhat you're saying is we're not going to Cancun? I'm afraid not.
Jump.
But, Mary, it turns out the ups and downs of the stock market and my roller-coaster emotions make for a deadly cocktail.
Jump.
But I now realize that money's not important.
Love is what's important.
And if that's so, why, then, I'm the richest man on earth.
Don't think, Dick.
Just jump.
Oh, Mary, thank you.
Thank you for saving my life.
Aah! Hello, Janice.
Harry.
What are you doing here? Oh, I've come for a workout.
Hmm.
Well, what do you wanna do first, the bench or the mat? Hmm.
Well, let me see.
I was thinking maybe we could start with the-- aagh! Is that all you got? Mama! So, Sally, you didn't take Janice out? No.
We actually bonded, and I learned that I can be vulnerable and still have my edge.
What does that mean? It means that I can be a killing machine, just not when the view is on.
She used you as a thighmaster, huh? No.
Janice was as gentle as a lamb.
No.
I was walking home, and Dick jumped off the roof onto my head.
I didn't jump.
I was pushed.
You were pushed? So Albright was that pissed at you, huh? But she only pushed me the first time.
You asked for it.
You fired me.
I was cutting costs.
I was doing all the work.
You were slacking off.
I hate you! I was being a responsible stockholder!