3rd Rock from the Sun Episode Scripts

N/A - Youth is Wasted on the Dick

Oh, my god! Last night's game was brutal! Oh, what happened? "White queen's bishop 3 takes black rook's pawn 4 in 12 moves!" Aah! In your face, Andrei pershnekov! Oh! Oh! All right, fellas, set up in here.
Move all this furniture out.
Hi, Donny! You want an omelette? I can't, Sally.
I'm here on official business.
And, yes, I would like that omelette.
What kind of official business? Mushroom and cheese.
Oh! And we suspect that your neighbor across the street is a video pirate.
Ohh, you mean the guy with the peg leg and the eye patch? No, the guy right next door to him.
I'm talking about the kind of scum that puts new movies on tape and then resells them illegally for a profit.
Don, when you nab this criminal, as I know you will, can you get us a copy of prince's much maligned and misunderstood film classic under a cherry moon? Dick, you can get that at any video store.
You'd think so wouldn't you? No.
But no.
Jimmy! Get those 22 power binoculars.
Put them on the tripod.
Bob, get the night goggles for backup.
And, Phil! Surprise me.
Man, I love it when you order people around.
Order me around.
Well, there's really nothing left to do.
I was sort of running out of gas with Phil.
Order me around.
Well, I, uh I guess you could make me that omelette.
Are you asking me or telling me? And make it fluffy! Waah! Since volume is proportional to the cube of the radius, then the atom is actually mmm! What did I just say, Leon? Uh, "what did I just say, Leon.
" Students, we are talking about the orbital trajectories of subatomic nuclei.
This is the fun stuff I promised you! Dr.
Solomon, how can you expect us to concentrate? Yeah, this is the last class before spring break.
Ahh, yes, spring break.
The time when young people give their minds a rest from giving their minds a rest.
It's so great! It's a whole week of drinking and partying and water-skiing naked at midnight with a live goat! It's gonna be so much fun! That sounds utterly infantile! Not to mention a waste of a very talented goat.
Come on, Dr.
You were young once.
Why, no.
No, I wasn't.
Well, what do you mean? None of your business! Nina you still pass for young.
What do you do during spring break? I like to use the time to relax and find my center again.
And how do you do that? Well, I picture a 50-mile radius around you, and I go outside of that.
Ah, that does sound relaxing.
Oh, Dick, I'm glad you're here.
I wanted you to see this.
"The bed and breakfast on sterling lake"? Sterling lake is really special to me, Dick.
I spent so many happy summers there with my family when I was young.
Wait a second.
You had a youth, too? Yes, Dick.
Well, what was it like, or can you still remember? It was wonderful.
We lived in log cabins we built ourselves.
Oh! And when Mr.
Lincoln came to town, we were all a-flutter.
What do you think it was like, Dick? I'm sorry, Mary.
I just feel like like I never had a youth.
What do you mean? While you were growing up, I was working as a color spectrum particle separator at the assemblage dome.
Boy, and I bitched about working at the dairy queen.
Phil? What is this? I ordered a pastrami on rye without mustard.
This has mustard! You call yourself a cop? All right.
All right! Are those cops gonna be up here all night? 'Cause I'd really rather have them come down to my place.
They're staking out this guy across the street who illegally pirates videos.
Does he have any films starring chesty doubloons? Uh, I'm not sure.
Why? No reason.
Ok, boys, I'm out of here.
Now, listen up.
With the police here day and night, I want you all to be on your guard.
Don't do anything that might expose our true identities.
Come on, Dick.
What do you think we're going to do, walk around in t-Shirts that say, "hug me.
I'm an alien"? I'm never gonna live that down, am I? Your head looks funny.
Watch this.
I'm looking for an officer Don Orville.
I am he.
State crime division.
Well, what, like the feds? No.
Feds are federal.
I'm with the state.
It's feds state you.
Don, is he serious? Listen up, people! We've been chasing this video pirate for a long time, so I hereby commandeer this observation post.
But Don, this is your case.
Tell him! Yeah, what am I supposed to do? You can get me a sandwich.
Hey, who's this guy? Jack McMANNUS.
I'm with the state.
Ooh! A fed.
And this is your room.
Oh, my god.
Mary, come look at the room! Oh, it's just as it was when I was a little girl.
And I remember you! My family, the albrights, brought me here every summer.
I'm sorry, dear.
I don't recall.
Oh, you must remember! I loved your blueberry Belgian waffles.
I have so many guests here.
You people all blend together.
Oh! I have a wonderful idea! We used to go to this woodsy little place called Der burgerplatz.
The juiciest hamburgers in the world.
It sounds Der wonderful.
Shall we go now? Or later.
After you've earned it.
You mean you want to-- but, Mary, it's still daylight.
Sure! That's the charm of a place like this.
Oh, they should put that in the brochure.
Why do you have to ride Don like that? He's a good guy.
Well, I'm sure he is, but I have a job to do.
I didn't make lieutenant by being a softie.
Wait a second.
You're a lieutenant? So am I! Salvation army.
Yeah, yeah.
I get to ring your bigger bells.
So does the target have a back door perimeter? Yeah.
I'll have a unit standing by with a reserve blockade.
Oh, how you going in, "v" formation or 2 by 2? Wow, you really know your military tactics.
Oh, well, you know, Christmas crowds, they're basically animals.
if things get dicey, I'm gonna have to fall back on sprint and cover.
That's exactly what I would do.
Shall we talk weapons? Sure.
Want to see my piece? Yowser! [Rock music playing] Oh, this is horrible! Spring break has invaded my little burgerplatz.
So this is what young people do on spring break? These kids have ruined this place.
Oh, I don't know.
It looks like they're having a pretty good time, especially those people over there with the-- is that a goat? Oh, let's get out of here.
There are other places to eat.
I'll tell you what, Mary, why don't you go and I'll stay? What? Uh, the burgers.
You love the burgers, and you should have them, so I'll stay and get in line in this fun, awful place, and bring them back to the room eventually--right away! Really, Dick? You're the best! No, you're the best.
No, wait.
I'm the best.
You see that? It's so great! Hey, buddy! Dr.
Buddy! Hey! Hey! Caryn, pitman, and Leon, what are you doing here? A physics experiment.
Every time I pour beer down my throat, it obeys the laws of gravity.
Every time.
[Belches loudly] I'm pitman! I'm pitman, too! [Belches] Yeah! Can I join you? Um, well, here's the thing: no.
This looks like so much fun! Please, uh, tell me what to do.
I'll do anything you say.
What? I want to be your student, and you can be my esteemed professors.
I'm so totally esteemed.
Ha ha ha! Ok, Ok.
Lesson one.
This is beer.
Get to know it.
No, no, no, no.
Really get to know it.
All chanting: chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [Chanting] Solomon, chug! Chug! Chug! Solomon! Solomon, Solomon, chug, chug, chug! Yeah! [Belches] I'm pitman, too! [All cheering] So, Jack, what's the perp doing? Sitting on the couch.
What's he doing now? Sitting on the couch.
That bastard! He's toying with us! It's all right, boys.
We are gonna tail this freak until he makes a move, and I know guys like this.
They always make a move.
Oh, yeah, they move, all right.
They move all over the place! If you'll excuse me, I gotta take care of a 514.
What's that? Pee-pee.
Hey, lieutenant.
Hey, lieu--you.
What is it with that guy? He makes me feel so tingly? Alive? Yeah! Hey.
Would it be weird if I went and smelled his jacket? Oh, we have.
Go ahead.
That's the last time I get coffee for Jack McMANNUS.
Oh, hey-- Don, you gotta sign in.
Since when do we have to sign in? Jack's rules.
Yeah? Well, I am not signing in! Oh, why did they have to bring in the feds? This should've been my collar.
Why don't you break the case yourself? Yeah! Get the guy to incriminate himself.
And get it on tape to make it stick.
What, you mean like a wire? Well, look who just woke up! Wearing a wire.
But who's gonna do it? I'll do it.
Could be dangerous.
Harry'll do it.
[Soft rock playing] Solomon: oh.
Here we go again [Vomiting] [Retching] Oof! Ok.
I think I'm really done throwing up now.
You're a wild man, Dr.
Oh, I love this! Living in the moment, alcohol wreaking havoc on my liver, my body destroying itself from the inside-- I just feel so alive! Look at all those stars.
The universe is so big.
There has just got to be intelligent life out there.
Oh, but they'd never come here.
I mean, what can we offer beings of such supreme intelligence? Beer me! Wow.
You turned into, like, this whole other person, Dr.
You can call me Dick.
That's so cool, Dick.
You can call me Dr.
[Vomiting] Well, he put the fire out.
I think I'm really done throwing up now.
Hi, Jack.
Ouchy, this dress is too tight.
Oh, yeah? And too short.
Ohh! Yeah.
Happy birthday, Mr.
Listen, Jack, I'm not gonna lie to you.
I find you very attractive, and I know you must find me attractive, because well, you have eyesight.
But I'm on duty.
I'm wearing a thong.
I'll sign out.
[Cell phone rings] Ohh.
Yeah, captain, I understand.
I'll be right there.
I'm sorry, doll.
I gotta go.
There's something that needs to be taken care of, and I'm the only guy who can do it.
Ohh! You ain't kiddin', baby.
[Snoring] Isn't she hot? She is so hot.
Can I make out with her? No, you cannot.
She's my girlfriend.
But I let my friends make out with my girlfriend all the time.
Get over it, dude.
The girl is mine.
Aah! Hello, light sleeper.
What's going on? Ah, there was nowhere else to go.
The bars were all closed.
So you brought them here? Well, yeah! Well, that's it! The party's over! Oh, come on, Mary, weren't you ever young? Hey, Leon! Dance break! Whoo! Whoo! [Loud music playing] I can't believe you would ruin this place for me, Dick, a place that meant so much to me.
Grind it, Mary! Grind all your problems away! Stop! Stop this ruckus this minute! I am so sorry! I have never been so embarrassed.
Oh, you should be.
And I do remember you.
You're that fat little girl who ate everybody's Belgian waffles.
Well, I-- and this is the kind of wild parties and drunkenness that your family brought when they came here.
What? I want you out of here by tonight! [Door closes] Dance break! [Loud music plays] [Chiming] Testing 1, 2.
Testing 1, 2.
I've got you under my skin I've got you-- pizza delivery.
I didn't order a pizza.
Yeah, well, it's part of a special promotional thing.
There's Nothin' but crusts.
[Static] Tommy: Don, Don, something's wrong.
I can't hear Harry at all.
What the hell was that? Don: oh, crap.
I think we've got the Mic, and he's got the speaker.
Tommy: what? But--but then that means that the video pirate can hear everything we're Sayin'! Don: run, Harry.
Run! Run, you idiot! Run! I gotta run.
Aah! Look at this place.
You really know how to trash a hotel room, Dick.
I'm sorry, Mary.
What are these? Oh, those are cantaloupe balls injected with vodka.
I'm just so sorry.
I've ruined this place that holds so many happy memories for you.
Memories? No, that old woman was right.
My parents only brought drunkenness and chaos to this place.
I guess I romanticized it because I was fat and unhappy and I just didn't want to remember it that way.
That's so sad.
Have you ever thought about selling your story to lifetime? You could call it fat, fat little girl, the Mary Albright story.
Why does your youth always seem better when you look back on it? Mary, however unpleasant your youth was, it's made you who you are today, a bright, accomplished, mature woman, the woman I love.
Ohh, Dick.
Ohh-hh-hh! Jack, are you leaving? This case is a bust.
Barney fife here alerted the perp to our presence, and now he's fled.
Boy, give us some credit.
We screwed up the case, too.
You are a disgrace to that uniform, and not just because of that haircut.
Hey, hey, hey! At least Don took some action.
He blew all my hard work.
I can't even believe I was ever attracted to you.
Huh? You know something? You may be a big time state cop, and you may be gorgeous and get high profile cases and make a lot of money, but you got Nothin' on my Donny! Thanks, Sally.
That wasn't emasculating at all.
You're welcome.
Bunch of yokels.
I'm outta here.
What's a yokel? I don't know.
Some kind of cop talk.
Probably means brave.
Were you really attracted to him? I thought I was.
But, Don you-- you had the guts to risk Harry's life.
Nothing makes me hotter than a man of action.
I'll show you some action.
Oh, yeah.
Order me around, you funky small town cop.
Get in there! Waah! No! Aah! It's funny.
When young people get rowdy and dance in a bar, everybody says they're just having fun.
But when an adult does it, they say, and I quote, "quick, call an ambulance! Some creepy old man is having a seizure in here!" I don't know.
I think youth is overrated.
Greasy hair and pimples, constantly having to cover your lap with a 3-ring binder.
Yeah, but without young people, we wouldn't have the young guns movie franchise.
Or the young and the restless! Or the noted psychologist Carl Jung.
No, that's with a "J.
" It doesn't count.
It has to.
It's a homonym.
Homonyms don't count!